18.04.2019
How people live together all their lives. They hug and kiss each other at the beginning and end of the day. How to stay in love all your life
If you are deeply convinced that love is dead in our time, do not jump to conclusions. These celebrities prove they are still full of romance when you find the right person.
It was already tough year for celebrities, counting all the couples who managed to break up. However, it's also not hard to find inspirational love stories in Hollywood. As divorce rates fall across the US, couples such as Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are proving that two people can live peacefully in love. And there are duos that stand the test of time even without formal marriage... Take Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, two stars who don't want to get married, but whose feelings don't seem to have wavered in more than 30 years. Strong marriages are rare among celebrities, but even in the depths of fame, there are couples who walk life hand in hand, despite all the difficulties, raise children, discover the world and grow old together.
Adriano Celentano and Claudia Mori - 51 years together
Every person who has watched Italian films at least once knows about this pair. Their passionate romance has been going on for half a century and the feelings are still strong. Their friends are full of admiration for the couple. "They've been together for so long and they are still crazy about each other!" - says one of their acquaintances.
Keith Richards and Patti Hansen - 37 years together
Keith and Patty have lived in perfect harmony for the past 37 years. Together they overcame many difficulties, always supporting each other. “Keith saved me. His love and thoughtfulness charged me positive energybrought me hope and saved me from depression, ”says Hansen.
Ozzy Osbourne and Sharon Osbourne - 37 years together
When Ozzy was fired from the group, Sharon took his career into her own hands, and thus began romantic relationship between them. Three years later they got married, and now they have three children .. Despite all the difficulties, they are still together. “I love her more than life itself,” says Ozzy.
Samuel L. Jackson & Latanya Richardson - 36 Years Together
Their marriage faced every possible difficulty. “When you've been married for 30 years, you certainly have the right to send everything to hell and cross it all out. But you can also say, "Damn it, I'm sorry!" Samuel says.
Sting and Trudie Styler - 34 years together
They met back in 1982 and have been inseparable since then. Sting: “I never thought I could limit my passion for one person. Life becomes incomparably better when there is only one person whom you love and who loves you. "
Hugh Laurie and Joe Greene - 27 years together
Hugh Laurie and Joe Green try to spend as much time as possible, even though their marriage has gone through hard times... “Joe and I complement each other beautifully, and I feel like we've grown closer over the years,” says Laurie.
Jamie Lee Curtis and Christopher Guest - 32 years together
When Jamie Lee Curtis saw the photo of Guest in the magazine, she told her friend, "I'm going to marry this guy!" Shortly thereafter, the two met, fell in love, and got married. The most true love at first sight!
Kevin Bacon and Kira Sedgwick - 28 years together
Kevin courted Kira for a long time, since initially she was not thrilled with the relationship. But Bacon never gave up, and the actress gave him a chance. The couple soon began dating, and now they have two children and 28 years of a happy marriage.
Cindy Crawford and Randy Gerber - 21 years together
They started dating in 1995, and three years later, Crawford herself proposed to Gerber. Result: 18 years of marriage and two children. Cindy said, “This is my first romantic relationship that started out as a friendship and I would recommend it to anyone. You will never find a stronger foundation for your marriage. "
Lisa Kudrow and Michael Stern - 21 years together
They met back in 1987, but Lisa didn't take it seriously. A few years later, they met again at Friends, began dating, and soon got married. The couple now have one son.
There are still many couples in the world of stars, besides these, who clearly support very strong relationships - but they are not yet long enough to be included in this list. For example, Jay-Z and Beyoncé are only 14 years old together, which, by the way, is only a year more than Robert Downey Jr. and his wife Susan Levin. It remains only to wish them to hold hand in hand for as many years as the couples above.
Recently we celebrated the 57th anniversary of our marriage. Every year we begin to look more and more at the path that we have passed together, and the experience that we have received in life. Sometimes people ask us how we managed to live to see our golden wedding. We always answer this question in unison: "Thanks to a sense of duty"! From the very beginning, there was a deeply rooted feeling in both of us that we should work to develop our relationship, but we did not touch on this issue until we lived together for the first 10 years.
We are also unanimous in the reason why we signed at one time: we wanted to be with each other more than with anyone else in the whole wide world. And now, after 57 years, this feeling has not gone away.
But we didn't want to talk only about our family life, so we interviewed eight other couples, with different backgrounds and life experiencewho have also lived together for over 50 years. They gladly accepted our offer to recall the past, since a clean marriage gives an opportunity to look at it honestly, and see in it both joys and trials.
Five features that all couples who have been together for over 50 years share.
Responsible marriage
One couple revealed that they both came from families in which their parents were divorced, so from the very beginning of their relationship, they firmly decided for themselves that they would work to overcome the challenges that arise to prevent their children from experiencing the bitterness of divorce. Another couple commented, “Being mutually responsible for marriage, from day one, allowed us to solve problems instead of cornering them. For us, divorce was not even listed among possible ways problem solving ".
Mutual support
Most of the husbands in the couples surveyed had to travel a lot for work (due to military service or for other reasons), but they always felt support from their other halves. One man said, "I decided that I would call my wife several times every day to ask how she and our children are doing and to tell her how much I love her." She replied, “This constant expression of love for me has helped me cope with many difficult situations... He makes me happy every minute of our life. "
They express interest in each other's hobbies.
All couples are active followers of certain religious movements and support each other in their church ministry. The shared spiritual views also strengthened their love for each other.
One of the husbands became interested in painting, and his wife in photography, so during her travels she photographed those places that her husband expressed a desire to capture on canvas. They both enjoyed each other's hobbies.
Unity in matters of life and leisure
Couples interviewed said this togetherness includes hobbies, entertainment, parenting, household chores, and more. One couple talked about the time when they decided to move to another city. “After the workers left and we stayed in a house filled with boxes of things, we suddenly realized that this was our last opportunity to go on family vacation before starting school. So we left the boxes unpacked, packed the car, and headed to Yellowstone National Park. ” Spontaneity can strengthen marriage and family ties.
Couples interviewed also mentioned the general directive family budget... One couple said, "In our family, money has always been shared, although it was limited." Another couple commented, "From the beginning, we were of the same mind about how we would spend our money."
Developing love, respect and trust in relationships
All couples interviewed expressed deep feelings love, respect and trust towards their spouses. It was these qualities that allowed them to successfully overcome the troubles of life together. Now many of them are faced with age-related ailments and again they find support in each other, realizing how important they are to each other.
Here are some of the tips we've received from reputable married couples, and we hope they'll help you along the way to strengthen and shape your marriage.
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I was going to a reunion. It was 10 years after leaving school, 6 years after marriage and two months after a difficult divorce. I returned to hometown with two sons, noticeably thinner, and that was all for now.
But memories of school awakened a lot of emotions. Is Arnold Rosenberg still the same nerd with glasses? Is Jill Paxton just as beautiful? And is there anyone out there to date with?
Arnold really remained the same bespectacled man. Jill Paxton was still a beauty. And I found someone to go on a date with. I will not forget the moment when I saw him. Broad shoulders, white suit. What happened to this nasty little Bond Hill guy?Yes, it was Stephen, with whom I studied in primary schooland he smiled at me with his slightly embarrassed smile.
… Stephen got two sons and a wife. I got a cat, a corvette that I couldn't drive, and a chance for marriage that I dreamed of.
While my story will warm the hearts of those who still believe in Santa Claus, happily ever after, and the pot of gold beyond the rainbow, I must admit that we had a lot bad days... There were days when I thought that Santa Claus was stuck in the chimney, to live happily ever after is a myth invented by a neurotic, and if a pot of gold exists, it is deep under mountains of offended feelings, angry squabbles and unwashed linen.
There were days when I thought that "living happily ever after" was a myth invented by a neurotic
There were days when the refrain of our renewed family sounded like this: "I hate you, you are not my real brother!" (from three younger sons two "my" elders). We quickly realized that angry and aggressive feelings can be mitigated, but must be dealt with.
Every summer we also dived into the Tampa Blues - when the older boys came back from their father and told the younger ones stories of a magical vacation with their real dad. Then they graciously paid attention to Stephen and me at last, and this meant that soon we were waiting for a rebellion against the rules of food, routine, homework and the realization that the summer is over.
And when we were literally killed by less than exemplary behavior of children, our relationship with Stephen also often came to a standstill. Sometimes during the whole day I did not notice even the shadow of a smile on his face.
One day he said, “I'm tired. Yesterday at 6 am I was rushing along the highway to get Frank on his plane, and he said to me: “Pa, you know what my the Best Day for the whole summer? " This is when I get off the plane and see my daddy. "
Leave the tales of the happy foster families... Being a father of adopted children is very painful.
But now Steven and I are the best parents and grandparents in the world. Over time, we learned to share vacations, accept different perspectives on parenting, and taught our children to love others as well as themselves. When we said goodbye to that close idea happy family, which they imagined at the beginning, and realized that the family would be much wider, everything gradually began to fall into place.
Years passed. The children left the nest. Some got married. Some don't. The grandchildren come to visit us. Stephen smiles at me with his still shy smile as I prepare for the alumni meeting in September 50 years after we graduate. I wonder if Arnold Rosenberg is still the same scholarly bespectacled man, and Jill Paxton is still the same beauty?
How to live your whole life together
1. Remember the magic of your meeting, especially on those days when it seems to you that it is not.
2. Believe that this magic will happen again.
3. Be glad that you are married to someone who shares all your interests with you, even if he is telling you what you would rather not hear at times.
4. Do not immediately change playfulness and coquetry for household chores. Things can wait!
5. Be kind and say thank you.
6. Don't ask him if you've gotten better if you don't want to hear the answer.
7. Humor allows you to see things in the right perspective.
8. Choose what to fight for - there are worse things than a mess on a bathroom shelf, on his desk and in the drawer of nails.
9. Sometimes another glass of wine is all that is needed.
10. Arrange for yourself at least once a marathon of watching your favorite TV show together.
11. Just because you thought it doesn't mean you have to say it.
12. Just because you thought it doesn't mean you have to say it. (This is not a mistake or accidental repetition!)
13. Dance together a slow dance in the living room, at least occasionally - do not lose this art.
Remember more often why you fell in love with him.
15. Appreciate old age for the opportunity to live in the present. At this time, we no longer remember the past, and the future cannot be guaranteed.
16. Make him start to play sports - put sports bag where she will always catch his eye on the way to the garage.
17. How would you spend your last day with him if you could plan ahead? Plan it out and do it.
18. Keep your vows.
19. Remember more often why you fell in love with him.
20. Each of your conversations should not include a list of what hurts, and the latest techniques treatment.
21. It's okay to swear or cry, but just don't make him your therapist.
22. Cook him such a dinner as if you were waiting for a whole group of guests.
23. Make a time in the middle of the week when you will not talk to him about work or your children.
24. Do not overuse the phrase "Tell me the whole truth" if you are not ready for the whole truth.
25. Buy a frame and hang a picture of him on the wall - or on your desktop.
26. On each of his birthday, raise a toast to what he has surprised and made you happy this year.
Cook him such a dinner as if you were waiting for a whole group of guests
27. Facebook is so named because it shows "face" - that is front side... Don't be fooled by the thought that you are the only one going through tough times.
28. On days when he makes mistakes, big and small, one after another, remember the Gestalt theory, which says that the whole is more than the sum of its parts. Concentrate on the whole.
29. You don't have to agree with him on everything. This includes politics, religion and some of his relatives.
30. If you want him to take care of his health, just hide the chips from him.
31. Always praise progress.
32. He sent you a card that warmed your heart. Save it and place it in a prominent place.
33. When he enters the room, before you say something to him, pay attention to his body language.
34. Follow only your own advice.
35. Remember how Billy Crystal 1 once said: “I would like to think that heaven exists and it begins from the very have a good day in your life. I will be 18 again and Janice Goldfinger (his wife for 43 years) will walk past me in a bikini and I will follow her and it will start all over again. I'd really like to think so. "
1 Billy Crystal is an American comedian who starred in the cult American love melodrama When Harry Met Sally (1989).
about the author
It is impossible to talk about love without talking about the psyche and human nature. We have already overcome the view of personality as a static, unchanging system. There is nothing more dynamic, free and open than the flow of life.* Love is rooted in the very existence of a person, in the subconscious, where opposites unite, where the border between personal integrity and illness turns out to be fragile, where the ability to judge disappears, but where one can and should look for the beginning of dissatisfaction with life, longing, feelings of loneliness, desire for completion and perfection , where is the cause of human suffering, the meaning of life, infinity, point of departure.
* I would like to convince the reader not to be afraid to plunge into the world of love - so complex, but fruitful and vital. To enter it means to enter into ourselves, to understand our true essencesurvive those special conditions psyche and spirit, in which everyone meets the reflection of their own "I", recognizes their limits, tests themselves, deepens self-knowledge. If a person runs away from this, taking refuge in sex, promiscuous relationships, or trying to avoid suffering, then he is sick, he is afraid of life.
* Love is a risk. The risk of losing yourself in another person and stopping, failing to get out of this state. But we also have the opportunity to get to know each other deeply and together gain even greater vitality.
* To love is to open up. This is an open game, while everything in our world teaches us to close, defend ourselves, use any means, just not to expose ourselves to danger, so that we are not injured, destroyed, not "bought".
* Love is truth. She does not accept gimmicks, compromises, double or triple play. It is direct and essential.
* Love is a design. She is doomed to die if she does not follow a certain path.
* To love is to make a choice. Do not accept submissively what we are offered, but claim to be active, creative role in the formation of relationships, never look for a comfortable path, striving for the true matrimony of minds before bodies.
* Love is a virtue. She is not content with what comes to hand, does not fill the inner emptiness with sex, but respects herself, her uniqueness.
* Love is wholeness. True love relationships never break, do not hurt a person's personality, but on the contrary, elevate it and help it grow.
* To love means to give meaning to life. Experiencing the experience of love, we begin to see the true, invisible meaning of things and events that make up the line of human life.
* Love is knowledge. Thanks to her, we become partakers of wisdom, learn new paths that would otherwise remain unknown to us, and come to ourselves.
* The level of our neurosis depends on how, when and how much we can enter into love; because in order for there to be love, you need to have the ability to love. Love doesn't come out of nothing, doesn't come to everyone. More precisely, we can all love, we have this property in potential; but few seek love, find it and realize it, because the ability to love goes on a par with the growth of personality. Neither one nor the other is given as a gift coming from outside and capable of falling to everyone, as some extraordinary event. There is nothing outside of ourselves. The external world is nothing more than a reflection of our internal content. Or, at any rate, the world is just what we perceive. Only by knowing ourselves can we know love. It is the same.
* Personality maturity, that is, the ability to love, is an extraordinary state that we all would like to find, experience, but which does not belong to the sphere of luck, chance: it is preceded by a long, difficult, hard-won path of preparation, training. It is something extraordinary, the result of the ordinary; and it is this that is our true, authentic state as human beings.
* No need to envy a happy couple or mature person! Don't think that we are unlucky or not capable! We all have the opportunity to grow and become capable of love. We are made for this. This is our mission. The only thing. Therefore, one should not think that happiness in love and wisdom are gifts that come from nowhere and only to especially fortunate people.
Falling in love and love.
* Before proceeding to general characteristics path to true, true and lasting love, I would like to clear the field of a classic element that introduces obscurity: falling in love.
* Almost everyone confuses love with falling in love. Women's magazines, TV shows, films, literature (with the exception of some authors) extol the moment of falling in love, as if it is the essence of true love. But it's enough to have a little common senseto understand that the experience of falling in love is very different from constant love.
* Today we live in a society in which the value of every thing depends on market demand, the image of the product is more important than the product itself, the means mass media became so powerful that they create the most real behavioral patterns. Love is the way personal growth, the spirit is almost everywhere on the globe are of little value, not appreciated. In this society, falling in love is experienced as love, because the image of the individual is important, but not his maturity. The media has a programming effect on thoughts and feelings: now all people think the same way and love - or believe that they love.
* Dissimilarity - something that departs from the generally accepted model - is perceived as an alarming sign, a deviation. In a society in which a person's life is absorbed by work and other responsibilities, the feeling of loneliness and abandonment is spreading uncontrollably, and communication between people has almost completely disappeared, sex is often considered the only act that can give the appearance of communication, warmth, and unity between human beings. Feeling sexually attracted to a partner, a person believes that he has found great love... Moreover, it is taken as proof of the intensity and correctness of the relationship, when in fact it is just proof of a deep inability to communicate in other ways. So we confuse falling in love with love.
* Falling in love belongs to the animal nature of man, love to his maturity. In order to fall in love, you do not need courage: it is enough to let everything take its course and give yourself free rein.
* In falling in love, a person modifies, distorts real reality, adapting it to these relationships; in love, reality becomes an integral part of relationships, uplifting and strengthening them.
* In a state of falling in love, the image of another person becomes an obsession, without him life is over; in love, a partner is always present, relations with him continue all the time, because we have built or are building with him a plan, life itself. Falling in love is not a design, it is just the ecstasy of the moment, even if it lasts for months or years.
* Falling in love covers deep inner loneliness, a person strives to be with a partner in order to feel alive; in love, our spiritual world is autonomous, independent of a partner - as a result free choice connects with the world of a loved one to move on together.
* Falling in love is a spark taken for fire; love is a flame that is constantly sustained.
* In love, an enthusiastic state is possible only in the presence of a partner; in love, happiness is the constant basis of life.
* Falling in love creates the illusion of growth, being only a stop, a temporary cessation of neurosis; love, by definition, is personal and, as a result, shared growth.
* At the end of falling in love, a person experiences a feeling of a huge emptiness: perhaps it just opens the emptiness that was before, and now has become even more bitter. The love I am talking about does not see the end, because there has never been emptiness, even before it began.
* Falling in love is afraid of death; many deaths are experienced in love, but they all dissolve due to the ability to see meaning in everything, meaning.
* In love, the limit is denied; in love, the limit is sought, recognized, accepted and exalted.
* In falling in love, prudence is banished; in love it plays an important role.
* Falling in love is by its very nature exclusive; love is universal.
* Falling in love is possession; love is a gift.
* Falling in love dominates over people experiencing it; those who walk the path of love together manage their love, not it.
* A person in love seeks to merge: usually he obsessively reproduces in his mind the image of a partner, his eyes, his face ... In love, a choice is constantly made.
* Doubt hurts falling in love, but strengthens love.
* Falling in love consists mainly of sensations; love, besides this, includes will.
* Falling in love is essentially consonant with the psychology of a child who, in his childish striving for "omnipotence", wants to get everything at once; love is the lot of mature people who are not afraid of time, but on the contrary, take it into account.
* Falling in love is superficial and is content with appearance; love draws strength from the depths of the partner's personality. Love is never superficial.
* Falling in love is inherent in consumer logic; love - the logic of being, cognition.
* Suffering kills falling in love; love includes it.
* In love, two turn into nothing; in love they multiply.
* Falling in love is easy, but it is devastating; love is difficult, but it is fulfilling.
* As we already understood, everyone can love, but few do it, preferring to limit themselves to falling in love. In order to fall in love, as you know, no effort is required, it is enough to give free rein to your feelings, to succumb physical attraction, a certain sensation, without going into a deep analysis of the other person and himself.
* In fact, we create ourselves illusions about the current situation. Are important for falling in love outward signs: image, gait, manner of movement, appearance, profession, social status, financial situation partner. In our increasingly selfish and superficial society, people mean by love either an intoxicating sensation of attraction or a pleasant feeling of satisfaction when they are desired, loved. To achieve this, they use all their energy. The ways to achieve such goals are usually the following: take care of the beauty of the body, play sports, eliminate possible defects in appearance, shape your own body and face in accordance with the pattern that is this moment considered to be the most advantageous, fashionable, and most successful.
* For the emergence of love appearance plays crucial role... I would say that the distinctiveness given to the face and body becomes hallmark person and is a predominant element in communication with their own kind and absolute remedy seduction, lure. In other words, the same means apply here as when selling goods.
* People no longer know what it means to love. They believe that love is simple, that it is entertainment, a pleasant moment during the day and in life, the difficulty is only in choosing the right partner.
* But in such behavior it is by no means possible to find the desire for personal and, therefore, also joint growth, which is simply not provided within the framework of the described approach and nevertheless is the only true key to what I call love.
* The ability to love.
* The ability to love is based on the same elements that are needed for intense, creative personal and, accordingly, joint growth. Reading these pages can be frustrating for those who expect to find instructions for learning to love here. The ability to love cannot be acquired through theoretical knowledge, as in preparation for an exam, when we listen to a lecture or read a textbook. You can't learn it by heart. The ability to love is within the scope of every human being and is embodied in it. Like any other ability, it is within us. It cannot be received from outside or from someone other than yourself.
* One must, however, look for it, recognize it, accept it, so that later it will be able to develop, expand and strengthen. A person cannot love if he has not grown, has not become mentally and spiritually mature.
On the way to knowledge.
We are divine creatures. Each of us, without a single exception, has a divine core in our souls, even if we do not want to be aware of it. It is the source that gave birth to us, the beginning and at the same time the goal. It is enough for us to look deeper into ourselves to understand this, to learn to call things by their correct names, to find meaning and achieve harmony in anticipation of the highest Harmony.* You need to know yourself. It is enough to look into ourselves, and love naturally will be called by its real name. Man is irreversibly endowed with meaning. Personality, whether it wants it or not, lives with meaning and cannot get out of it, otherwise neurosis and death will be its lot.
* The meaning is within us. It is impossible to love if we have not found meaning. Here is the magic key! "Love others as yourself." This means: if you want to love, the starting point is love for yourself, knowledge of yourself. And for this it is necessary to be able to give meaning, meaning to all things.
* Paradoxically, there would be no neurosis, no lack of mental peace, if the person did not have inner freedom. It is this freedom that allows the individual to get sick or improve his mental condition... In order to truly love, a person must have low level neurosis. The lower it is, the greater our capacity for true love.
* The starting point is the work of self-knowledge, analysis, aimed at finding out about your own neurosis and accepting it, being able to call it by name - and then trying to reduce it, knowing that it is impossible to completely eliminate it. The same people who do not feel themselves neurotic, consider themselves better than others, do not raise a question about their condition and confuse falling in love with love - are dead. A person has the ability to live alive or dead. Living dead means not making decisions, not making choices, not wanting to know, not striving for knowledge. In short, do not make sense of yourself and therefore all things.
* Each of us is unique, inimitable and is the result of our personal history. This must be taken into account if we want to become beings who are aware of our existence, although immersed in continuous movement life. A movement in which our "I" in the process of growth has found opportunities for activating the mechanisms of identification, protection, various manias, obsessions, obsessions; in which it passed, as psychoanalysts say, different phases characteristic of childhood; in which he had to "eat" the images of mother and father, projecting them inward; in which it feels a vague fear of death and a strong desire for eternity.
* Only knowing the hidden part of his own personality, his dark side, a human being can consider himself as such. Woe to a person if he does not meet difficulties, does not feel unhappy, if he is not directly touched by pain, suffering, fear. You can know the true only by knowing the false. It is necessary to go through the visible in order to get to the real. You will inevitably have to die to move on to life.
* The real can only be known through the false. To truly love, you must go through falling in love, or "love" in the conventional sense of the word. In order to discover your true personality, you need to understand and eliminate all identification with external modelsalien to our true nature. This requires making efforts, suffering, being courageous, constantly attentive and disciplined. We need to take off the extra burden imposed on us by false models, external and internal guidelines. In essence, our concept of ourselves is the image that other people have instilled in us and with which we identify ourselves. In order to remove the crust of deposits accumulated on it from your "I", a lifetime is often not enough.
* However, we must always try to do this, otherwise we will remain dissatisfied, unhappy, unable to love. We have a huge one, divine power... Even if we ourselves do not want it, it somehow pushes us, prompts us to start the path. Therefore, there is no need to be afraid: plunge into the unknown world of your Soul, into its innermost depths! If you succeed, you will come to the source of yourself.
* Of course, it is easier and more convenient not to go inside ourselves, because once we are there, we will no longer find instructions, rules, and advice. We'll have to cope on our own.
* It is impossible to begin the path of knowledge and least of all to enter into a relationship of true love with another person, without first subjecting oneself to serious psychoanalysis or psychotherapy. Without exception, all human beings, in the process of their personality development, have neuroses, without which it is impossible to reduce or eliminate them. the right relationship with ourselves and, as a result, with other people.
* To acquire the true ability to love, you need to be able to recognize and accept your own contradictions, limits. Only through the recognition of one's own limitations, through the associated suffering, begins the path to self-knowledge, to the ability to truly love.
* Few people know how to love. It's confirmed incredible amount failed relationship. This is supported by the fact that many people feel unhappy in love. Who today can honestly say to himself that he is happy in love and is capable of truly loving?
* To begin with, a true love relationship is lifelong. When it comes to a relationship of true love, the difficulties to be overcome, the energy invested and the very formulation of the question are such that this requires a whole life. You and I also noted that the relationship turns out to be untenable not because of a mistake in choosing a life partner, but only because of the unpreparedness of one or both partners who do not follow the path to finding their soul.
* In true love, there is no breakup. Crises, obstacles, which are always and everywhere talked about, are already embedded in ourselves, therefore, in a relationship of true love, one must constantly take into account the differences between partners, difficulties in communication, suffering. In a true love relationship, partners will never separate because they are constantly separating. They even look for partings to recognize them, call them by name, accept and survive. In true love, partners come together to walk the same path to the truth, to expose the falsehood that lies in the human being, and to discover their own uniqueness. They live a spiritual life, they have found their divine essence.
* True love relationships are realized only between those people who want to go beyond themselves. They can only be between real personalities. The human being's goal is to know himself. And a true love relationship can provide an opportunity to come to this goal.
* The difference between true love and "normal" love is as follows: the first is the path to knowledge, the second remains in itself. In the second case, love can even be beautiful in its manifestations, gestures, feelings, but it is directed only at the partner and stops there. Realization of true love should contribute to the fact that these relations effectively, really, concretely develop in the direction of knowledge.
* The following tips and suggestions are given in order to minimize, eliminate various add-ons, excuses, overweight, personal and mutual conditioning that impede free flow vitality to the state of knowledge.
* I believe that a person should begin the path to finding his own personality on his own. Only after reaching a certain degree of self-knowledge can you enter into a relationship with a partner. Peace of mind must be found in solitude. Marriage, conjugal relationship should improve, expand the spiritual world of the individual. Moreover, in my opinion, marriage fulfills only the functions of a smithy, a laboratory in which the level of self-knowledge of spouses increases.
* In a relationship of "normal" love, on the contrary, neuroses and problems of the partner are added to the neuroses and personal problems of each. Moreover, living together creates new neuroses, new problems. Indeed, in "normal" love, the energy of both partners is almost completely absorbed in overcoming the difficulties that arise as a result of their being together. It is obvious that in such conditions there is no time, no space, no strength left to go to knowledge.
* If we want to minimize excess cargo joint stay and to make it so that, on the contrary, it kindled the energy that was directed first to themselves, and made it contribute to an increase in knowledge, communication between partners, their relationship should be essential.
Relationship with a partner.
In a relationship of true love, communication takes on very special, peculiar, specific traits, due to which there is an exchange of internal content, concepts, reasoning between partners, which helps them to move forward, to continue the path of growth, knowledge. Communication also serves to experience different moments, situations together, to share feelings, desires, opinions.* All this becomes possible because work has been carried out and continues to be carried out internal cleansing, psychological and spiritual "hygiene" is maintained.
* In a relationship of "love" in the generally accepted sense of the word, communication is simply a conversation, an exchange of information. Often - in cases where the partners' self-knowledge is low or absent altogether - communication is reduced to the expression of judgments and prejudices.
* Prejudices are judgments that are taken for their own, being actually heard from other people and immediately assimilated without preliminary reflection.
* Judgments are no less harmful to true communication, because they are like locked boxes of inferences into which the interlocutor cannot penetrate. At the same time, no mutual exchange, no joint responsibility is possible.
* Judgments and prejudices are conditioned, therefore, by ignorance, disastrous for communication. The exchange of judgments and prejudices does not lead to any psychological and spiritual improvement and even suggests that partners have not yet begun the path to individual and joint growth.
* Another danger, another element that kills genuine communication, is justification.
* Justification is a strong indicator of lack of knowledge. It is used to make it clear that we are not responsible for our inappropriate actions, that our partner is to blame for them or external circumstances... In essence, it is a series of excuses with which we try to hide from our partner, but above all from ourselves.
* This bad habit - if you can call it justification - it blocks at the starting point a person who wants to start the path of truth and knowledge, not allowing her to see herself as she is.
* Justification also interferes with communication with a partner, because it does not give the latter an opportunity to state his explanations, reasoning, considerations or reflections: it eliminates the culprit, and therefore makes conversation impossible.
* Explanation is vital important element for the authenticity of communication. Thanks to him, communication contributes to the personal and joint growth of partners.
* Two people who have found each other and built a relationship of true love between themselves are not always at the same level of knowledge, although they follow the same path of growth. In addition, we know that the human psyche is impermanent in perception, understanding, and experience of the surrounding reality. The explanation eliminates both of these reasons for a possible departure, distance one of the spouses from the truth.
* The explanation must be solid: then the one who gives it will not waste his energy, and his partner will not have to take on an extra burden.
* Communication also serves to let the partner know at what stage of the path of personal growth we are, and this is an essential element for managing the dynamics of relations, for providing real help to the partner.
* In this regard, it should be remembered that two people who really want to grow should always tell each other the pure truth.
* Often talking the complete truth turns out to be difficult, sometimes inconvenient, in many cases it gives opposite resultbut this is an indicator of the strength of the relationship. On the way to knowledge, it is necessary to tell each other everything, even the worst, negative or unpronounceable for us. The frankness between the two partners is the foundation on which knowledge of love is built.
* Many, on the contrary, do not speak directly, restrain or postpone the manifestations of their feelings, reactions, positions towards a partner, because they mistakenly believe that they will upset him, bring him harm or disappointment. Such false kindness is not the result of a serious pursuit of knowledge.
* Lack of cognition can also lead to the use of the communication channel in order to dominate the partner, exploit him, create feelings of guilt or inferiority in him. Some people tend in certain situations to appear to their partner as a victim, and then true communication does not even begin: all attention is shifted to the emotional aspect of the situation, to the role of the victim.
* You should know that in genuine communication there is no executioner or victim. If one of the partners, even for just a moment, plays any of these roles, then for that moment he departs from the path of knowledge, whatever the circumstances in which he finds himself.
* True communication implies, therefore, high degree internal cleansing. Thus, we will allow the partner who took us as companions and expects from us the truth, truth, knowledge, to be reflected in us as in a clean, uncontaminated mirror, seeing in it his real, authentic image.
* True communication means a constant willingness to meet halfway, openness, a desire to accept a partner, the ability to trust him, surprise him, accept his reasoning, explanations, spiritual endeavors, the impulses that he shares with us to help us reduce our level of neurosis. Therefore, when we see that one of the two is offended, feels superior or adheres to a superficial attitude, this indicates a lack of true unity, which would contribute to knowledge, and means that this person does not have the courage to reveal himself, to allow himself to be interpreted, "read" himself in the name of committing mutual act faith in search of truth.
* In relationships of true communication, not only personal pride is excluded, but also often exacerbated and in a special way intuitive ability is valued.
* Human beings themselves are complex creatures immersed in the same complex world... In perceiving messages from this world, intuition trumps reason. Intuition, grafted into the clear mind of a sincere, truthful person, has great power, intensity and breadth.
* Unfortunately, many people confuse intuitive ability with dark sides his personality, with his inability to communicate directly, with his not overcome neurosis.
* True communication also contributes to the fact that partners productively transform themselves and each other and feel like an active part of life.
* True communication often helps us to rethink the requests that we may have developed in relation to a partner, either unconsciously - in this case, this belongs to the sphere of personal growth problems - or simply because the partner entered our life, follows the same path , became interdependent with us.
* Sometimes it is even important to share the feeling of disappointment with your partner in order to overcome this feeling later with forgiveness. By doing this, we will leave behind a part of our "I", which means we will grow even more. It will be another deed from the heart.
* Several years ago, I introduced the "reality therapy" method into my therapeutic practice. To start living psychologically healthy life and, as a consequence, to truly love, it is essential to accept reality, because in this way we recognize our human nature and come to terms with it, come to terms with our essential loneliness. Reality always leads, on the one hand, to the realization of our limitations, our ignorance, on the other, to the desire to know, to cognize.
* In union, unity between two people, when it is easy to succumb to fantasies and dreams, humility reminds us that the fundamental state of a person is loneliness and that one should always give preference to relations with one's own being, with one's spirit.
* The sense of the limit not only prevents us from forgetting that we should never suppress, dominate or possess a partner, because he is untamable, free, incorruptible in his essence, but also exercises us in the ability to accept the dynamics of presence and absence, which constitutes an inseparable characteristic of every relationship, every connection and life itself. The sense of the limit, like litmus paper, shows us whether the desire we feel for a partner belongs to the sphere of the imaginary or to reality.
* As a result of the fact that we accept a partner, which means that we accept his absence, humility and a sense of limit create in us a willingness to change inside, in our deepest essence. Only this ability to internal change will overcome the suffering associated with the absence of a partner, because she is able to give us inner feeling his presence.
* In falling in love, or imaginary love, a person essentially does not get out of his own narcissism, from that connection with his mother (or with his father), which he could not overcome. In such cases, the partner turns into a deceptive image, and we project onto him our most hidden needs, our desires, which we do not admit. At the same time, reality is destroyed for the sake of an obsession, and the personality of the lover is mixed with the image of a loved one.
* Humility helps us maintain our identity in a loving relationship. Moreover, every day our essence becomes more complete, leaving these relations transformed in a positive sense.
* Only great humility and a sense of limit allows both partners to look at each other with respect and interest, dispose them to mutual change. This is very essential in order to start building relationships in which everything turns out to be new and old, unknown and familiar, in which the partner is a continuous discovery and nothing is taken for granted and obvious, in which only mutual responsibility can create conditions for growth, for a plan. In such a relationship, both individuals are forced to become genuine, bright: then together they will be able to better cope with contradictions, the alternation of moments of light and darkness, suffering and boredom, characteristic of any course of life.
* In true love relationships, the willingness to change contributes to the fact that even experiencing the negative sides of life enriches, fills, strengthens the personalities of both partners, helps them to get to know each other and thus know themselves better. As a psychologist, I know that human health consists in his readiness to change. The same can be said about the ability to love.
True love.
Properties of true love.* Relationships of true love should be included in the plan of a personal and psychological joint with a partner, spiritual growth... In the absence of this intention, we return to the dimension of falling in love. In order for the relationship to grow into true love, and therefore, contributed to growth, you need to set yourself the goal of finding the truth.
* It takes courage to start, continue and complete this path. Married couple, capable of love, must constantly, at any cost, follow the path of truth. It is almost always painful, but uplifting. Following this path can sometimes only be delayed in time, but in no case should it stop.
* In a relationship of true love, we must acknowledge before ourselves and before our partner the fragility and duality of our own personality. In order not to project onto a partner or even onto external world their flaws, imperfections, negative sidesbut it takes courage to accept and discuss them in order to learn to "read" and interpret them together.
* To have the courage to seek the truth means to sink into the depths of one's own self and reveal in it the vicious, aggressive, depressive, manic, obsessive, exhibitionistic inclinations that characterize our personality, to stand face to face with them and overcome, conquer them.
* Do not be afraid to show your partner your weakness, defenselessness, nakedness, because if he really grows and builds with you true relationship, then it will please him: seeing that you have trusted him, he will feel truly loved. Each time you lose something untrue, you will increase your ability to love and move forward on a path of personal and shared growth.
* Acceptance of one's own neurosis does not humiliate the personality, does not acquire the character of an invasion of it inner world or masochism, because it is carried out with a partner. Moreover, such acceptance is a condition of true love, because as phantasms are destroyed, the personality, its essence, opens up for life.
* Life develops over time, not here at once. The desire to receive everything immediately is characteristic of the way of thinking of children, as well as immature people, even adults and even the elderly, people who do not know what life is, who are dead, despite the fact that they live physically.
* Life, growth, true love is a process, a course, a path. You cannot live as if life consists of separate moments, unconnected episodes, moments of joy, falling in love or suffering. In every act, in every thought, everything is already contained: pain and joy, desire and emptiness, life and death. Everything is conceived from the beginning and belongs to the continuous flow of time, movement without end. The one who wants to receive everything at once - both in love and in life in general - really wants nothing. If a person seeks to quickly achieve his goal in love, then this is only because he does not want to suffer, does not want to live. He simply transfers his "business", commercial way of thinking from work to love, to the realm of feelings.
* But the logic of feelings is exactly the opposite of the logic of business. In business, it is never advisable to tell the truth - we are either pretending or telling the truth in part. You shouldn't waste time in business - love needs time, you need to spend your whole life on it. In business, you do not need to rely on a partner; in love it is the very essence of a relationship.
* The ability to love does not come as a gift from heaven. It represents an approach, a lifestyle, and therefore needs to be raised, trained, supported.
* True love relationships begin in marriage, which is why they last a lifetime. At the time of marriage, we choose our partner as a companion on the path to knowledge. In a relationship of this type, love for the partner and for oneself is formed from the motives that are given to the partner and are received from him and for his sake, as well as taken from themselves and for their own sake on the way to knowledge. But they can only be useful if they are part of situations, behaviors, contexts that contribute to the duration and consistency of relationships, multiplying the energy aimed at getting closer to the essence of ourselves, partner, other people, the universe.
* In falling in love and imaginary love, separation from a partner hurts. In addition, prolonged separation almost always leads to a relationship to death, to an end. In a relationship of true love, the absence of a partner does not give such a destructive effect, because the individual has achieved his psychological and spiritual independence.
* When we truly love, the loved one lives in us. Regardless of the joy of the physical presence of a partner, from the experience experienced together, from everyday coexistence, our life, our actions always include him, even if he is far away.
* Identity of personality.
* Do not waste time looking for authenticity outside of your personality and do not think that you can do something authentic, do something authentic. Authenticity is an approach: it means that it should become a lifestyle, an inner element of our personality. You should not try to be authentic because it is now in vogue, or for tactical reasons in a relationship with a partner, or in order to show yourself, or for any other reason other than the desire for inner purity, conducive to knowledge.
* In many marriages, one of the spouses, and sometimes both, try to put pressure on the partner, keep him under control, and educate him. One gets the impression that for many people life is only about educating and being educated. Perhaps this is because everything more individuals in childhood were not "swallowed" by images own parents, did not "learn" them, as a result of which some subconsciously want to be a father or mother, others a son or daughter. Be that as it may, the obligatory task of the one who discovers that he is being subjected to such an attitude is to inform the partner about what is happening, and the one who activates such mechanisms must stop doing this and raise the question of his condition in order to understand where it comes from. this behavior, find out its hidden, root causes... This will lead both partners on the path to building true relationships.
* In other cases, spouses are busy monitoring each other's fidelity, not knowing that while they are doing this, life goes by. They want to make sure that their partner is faithful to them so that they can start living after that. But this is their neurosis, self-doubt. Can we expect that once they are convinced of the loyalty of their spouse, they will not check again? Their problem is in themselves, and they must find the solution in themselves.
* By respecting our spouse, we do not dominate him and never use him - even under such circumstances when we have the opportunity to do so. In true love, we experience oneness with our partner. As he is, not as he should be in order to be worthy of us or to make us happy. Respecting your partner does not mean arrogantly believing that we know better what is good for him and what is bad.
How to stay in love all your life.
If at the end of the period of psychological cognition of a partner we fall into nervous exhaustion, this should be blamed on the erroneous way of implementing our relationship with him. True love never leads one of the partners to neurosis, to nervous exhaustion.* Communicate with people more developed than we who have reached a higher spiritual level, it is necessary in such a way that their presence, their approaches and behavior contribute to the growth of our consciousness.
* Therefore, one should not copy other people, but receive an incentive from them to transform, rebuild one's own "I" for more high level: according to our rhythm and with the help of our personal psychological techniques.
* The completion of the process of our personal growth will not come at the moment when the pursuit of external models for us ends - even if beautiful, full of wisdom - but only when it leads to maximum realization our own potential.
* Each of us goes to knowledge on his own way. All this confirms the presence in a relationship of true love of mutual respect, joint growth, but not mutual identification or imitation.
* We must learn to install good relationship with ourselves: both with your body, appearance, and with your own personality, character, mind. In short, you need to learn to like yourself, accept yourself, consider yourself a person with all rights on this earth. On the other hand, liking yourself does not mean persisting in an uncritical, a priori attachment to your ideas and your image: it would be just another form of manifestation of your insecurity and pride.
* Accepting yourself means knowing your inner essence, discovering in yourself the dignity and vocation that the creatures of God possess. Another danger that we run the risk of meeting during the period of recognizing a partner is the rejection of the individual living space, from self-expression, in order to please the partner, or because of the inability to express our own essence.
* True love is the only way penetrate the secret of another person. In all other forms of love, a person is ultimately left alone. In marriage, we find in our spouse ourselves and both of us, we find God. Knowing ourselves, knowing a person remains the most difficult act of all that we have been given to perform. Knowing ourselves through thought belongs to the realm of reason; knowing oneself with the help of true love is the activity of the mind combined with the courage to be spirit creatures. True love transcends thought, words, reason.
* To do this, you need to be not superficial, but a deep personality, able to share your inner essence... Then conflicts, sorrows, contradictions, although they are present in the marriage, become clearer, and the two spouses leave them, acquiring more more experience, even more power.
* The absence of neurosis is not characteristic of a person. Reducing neurosis is the ultimate human task.
Vasily Pozdnyakov, October 29, 2005
True love is the only way to penetrate another person's secret
When I see two 70-year-old people walking holding hands, my heart fills with warmth.
Do they have some secret formula thanks to which their love was able to withstand so much?
Most happy couples have reasons why they've been together all these years. Today, too many of us have forgotten about these reasons.
Well, let's remember.
1. They have common interests, and they are in constant search of things that can interest both of them
Common interests are what brings people together. And happy couples aim to find even more activities and topics of conversation that will be of interest to both.
Common interests and activities should not be something of a fantasy. Sometimes it's enough that you both love to watch a movie in the evening with your arms around.
Remember, because common interests, the feeling that you are with a person who understands you - this is what once attracted you to your partner. Now what? Now, you’re too busy looking for something that you two might like.
If you continue the relationship not as a couple of like-minded people who constantly want to learn together and from each other, share your interests and look for something in common, but as two different people, who are not clear why and why they were there, it is unlikely that in a certain number of years someone will see your couple and think that you have a formula for a happy relationship.
2. They go to bed together every night.
Many couples today live according to their own schedule and forget about how important it is to spend time with each other. Even in the evening, instead of being next to your loved one, you sit with your nose buried in the TV and watch another unfunny comedy. Better watch this with your wife / husband, hugging under the covers, of course. Do not forget how we all need human warmth and affection.
3. They never go to bed holding a grudge against each other.
Happy couples say that this is one of the main rules.
Interviews with people who have been married for 50-60 years prove that this is not just a boring cliché - the moral is much deeper.
If you quarreled, argued, pissed off each other and at the same time go to bed without finding out the relationship and not understanding the causes and consequences, then in one evening you can destroy what you have been building for years.
Talk to each other frankly, speak up for yourself and listen to your partner. Find a compromise and do not forget to tell your significant other that you love and respect her, despite all the disagreements, quarrels, resentments and omissions that you will have to go through.
Today, many couples ignore this simple rule and go to bed without finding out the relationship and harboring resentment in their hearts. If this happens all the time, then this is the first signal that you with my own hands destroy your happiness.
4. They hug and kiss each other at the beginning and end of the day.
Happy couples celebrate starting their day with hugs and kisses and ending the same way. Psychologists suggest that thanks to this, both partners develop a feeling of attachment to each other, their mood improves, they begin to trust each other and feel safe.
Very often modern couples forget about the importance of hugs. Everyone is so busy with their own affairs, problems, worries that they will not even remember that today they have never kissed their loved one. Lack of intimacy will ultimately lead the relationship to ruin.
5. They trust each other.
Trust is the foundation of any lasting relationship... When you are confident in your partner, you can rely on him, you know that he will always come to your aid when you need it most.
Today, it seems that mistrust and persistence are an invariable part of any modern relations... If this continues, then such a relationship will not only not bring you happiness, but will make you anxiously paranoid.
6. They say "thank you" instead of "I'm sorry"
Happy couples always focus on the positive, not the negative.
They are not sorry. They give thanks.
Today, many people like to point out to another about his shortcomings, while forgetting that they themselves are also far from ideal. And people who really love each other are willing to put up with flaws. Instead of thinking about the cons, focus on your partner's pros, because they certainly have them.
7. They celebrate each other's success.
In happy couples there is no concept of "yours is mine", they have everything in common - both joys and sorrows. They help each other constantly move forward, inspire each other to new achievements.
Relationships are not a one-sided game, but a process in which you need to constantly support your partner.
8. They keep doing nice little things for each other.
Sometimes in a relationship, even the little things mean a lot. Happy couples, even after many years, continue to do these little things for each other: they leave notes with the simplest and pleasant phrase "" Or they can walk the dog if they see that their loved one is too tired for this.
Today we have forgotten how important the little things in a relationship. But it is these little things that very often help us feel that we are loved and cared for.
9. They respect each other's feelings.
This does not mean that they always and in everything agree with each other, but in any situation they respect the feelings of the other.
The seemingly ordinary phrase "I understand how you feel" can become magical and nip at the root many misunderstandings and disagreements.
For many couples, the relationship resembles a tug of war: everyone wants to defend their opinion at any cost and does not want to listen to the other at all. What do you think will come out of such an alliance? That's right, nothing.
10. They don't forget the importance of a sense of humor.
A sense of humor helps happy couples get out of awkward situations and easier to look at the world.
Many people have already thought about how important humor is in relationships, and even annual conferences are held on this topic.
But today, many modern couples mistake humor for sarcasm. By going to extremes, you can offend your partner, even if you don't want to.
