Older and younger children in the family. “And where are the older children?”: Yana Rudkovskaya went on vacation with her youngest son and heir Evgeni Plushenko from her first marriage. Older child never stops being a child

If you have several children in your family, you have probably come across stereotypes and myths on this topic more than once. This is not surprising, because the idea that the order in which a person is born in a family affects his personality has existed for many centuries and is common in different cultures Worldwide. The only problem is that in reality everything is not quite so. According to research, the order in which babies are born does not significantly affect their intelligence or personality. In short, it's time to deal with some stereotypes and dispel them. It is possible that this information will change the way you view your family.

The first child in the family loves to command

There is an idea that the children who appear first in the family like to command, but this is not always the case. This trait is most common in families where the older child has the responsibility of looking after the younger ones. However, if the parents do not use the child's help too often, this trait may not develop. In short, as in most situations, it all depends on specific parents, and not on the order of birth of the child.

Middle children don't get attention

Some people are convinced that middle children are the most ignored in a family. However, this is not at all the case. Middle children are a kind of bridge between the oldest and the youngest child, so they get a lot of attention. In addition, this is a fairly common stereotype, so many parents try to pay attention to the middle child purposefully. As a result, this problem does not appear at all in such a family.

The youngest child is most involved

Do not think that the youngest child is most cared for. On the contrary, in a large family parents begin to relate to education easier, which means that the youngest child gets more freedom and has more responsibility. Do not assume that younger children are always spoiled. Statistics indicate that this is completely wrong.

Firstborns are more ambitious

It is believed that firstborns are always more ambitious than other children, but this is not so. Research does show that first born babies do impressive things, yet ambition is about the kind of family you were born into, not the order in which it happened. If parents encourage their children to strive for success and self-development, they will be ambitious, no matter if it is the firstborn or the youngest child.

Middle children know how to negotiate

If the child was average in the family, he probably had to settle conflicts all the time, right? Not certainly in that way. Many are convinced that middle children play the role of intermediaries between the elders and the younger ones, however, researchers have found that in reality everything is different. Middle children are more empathic, but not ready for concessions. In general, the ability to establish communication with others is determined only by the person's personality and his character. Family features do not play a big role.

Younger kids are the most adorable

Younger children are supposed to develop a special charm because they need to somehow stand out from others. This is not always the case. Many children simply learn behavior from their elders, as a result they do not need to constantly use charm at all. They behave exactly like everyone else in the family, just because of their age they can sometimes be more open and direct. This becomes the reason for the stereotype.

Firstborns are more responsible

Do you think that your responsible approach to business has something to do with the fact that you were the first child in the family? You are wrong. Research shows that the order in which a child is born does not in any way affect the propensity to engage in responsible behavior. As in most of the situations described in this list, everything is mainly determined by the individuality of the child and how parents approach the issue of parenting. If you strive to instill in a child responsible behavior, he will show these qualities, no matter how many brothers and sisters he has and in what order they appeared.

Middle children are more antisocial

It is assumed that less attention can lead to a tendency to antisocial behaviorbut in reality it is not like that. Research shows that middle children are often the most active and open family members. In general, everything is determined by personal characteristics, and not by the characteristics of the family.

Younger children are more likely to follow in the footsteps of their elders.

There is a myth that younger children are delighted with older children and tend to follow in their footsteps. In fact, this is a meaningless stereotype. The researchers found that younger children are even more likely to listen to own intereststhan those who were born before them. If a person behaves compliant, this only speaks of his soft nature, and not that he was the last born in the family.

Firstborns are more risk averse

It is assumed that the first child is more inclined to take risks, because he wants to set an example for younger children, but this is not the case. According to research, the youngest child is usually the least afraid of risk, while the older, on the contrary, is the most afraid. Scientists have no exact explanation as to why this is happening. Perhaps this manifests itself in families where the elders tend to take more care of the younger ones and therefore behave more carefully.

Middle children are less likely to succeed

Believe that middle child less likely to be successful than his siblings? Fortunately, this is not the case at all. Scientists have found that sometimes middle children are even superior to older and younger ones. If the child is purposeful and ambitious, the order of appearance in the family will definitely not interfere with his life.

Younger children are the most successful

Many people think that increased attention, which is given to the youngest children in the family, guarantees maximum success, however, everything is completely different. According to statistics, in most cases the oldest child is the most successful in a family, however, there are exceptions to any rule, and anyone can succeed.

The first child is friendlier

It may seem logical that the oldest child in the family should be the friendliest, because it is he who needs to make concessions all the time in order to get along with the younger ones. In fact, this is not the case. According to research, the order of birth does not in any way affect the degree of a person's friendliness, everything is determined solely by his character.

Middle children follow the rest

Contrary to popular belief, average kids aren't all that led. Scientists have found that middle-aged children can be quite ambitious and have impressive leadership qualities. After all, Warren Buffett, Abraham Lincoln, and Bill Gates were middle children. This clearly demonstrates that the average child does not have to be pliable and shy.

Younger children are more likely to be naughty

The youngest child in the family does not necessarily have to be such a mischievous person. In fact, contrary to the popular belief that younger children are more prone to bad behavior, the researchers found that this stereotype has no basis. It's just that the younger child behaves according to his age, in contrast to the more conscious behavior of the older ones, this may seem like a prank.

This is a chapter from the book The first part of the article can be read.
The problems of the older child are already different from those faced by the only one. Although for a while he was the only one. Dad and mom belonged only to him, there was no need to share with anyone. And then someone else is born, who henceforth becomes a part of their world. Moreover, it becomes the center of the world in which there used to be another “navel”. It hurts. This is very painful. Especially if the parents do not understand this do not want to see. There is even a term psychologists have for older children - "detonation", that is, overthrowing.

Imagine, everything that used to be only yours, now someone else's. And this someone does not stand on ceremony with you, everything is forgiven him. And in general he is so cute, and you are not at all. The requirements for you are increasing, they expect more from you, they want more. More and more often they tell you: "Well, you are an adult!", "I did not expect this from you!"

And you also have to fight your feelings. You have the right to hate and beat any invader of your property. And a brother or sister is no longer possible. They are small! Moreover, for some reason you are obliged to love them, even if you don’t want to.

If a child of the opposite sex is born, then it is somehow easier to reconcile. And it's easier to love. It's not really a competitor. But in otherwise - a serious struggle may arise. A brother or sister can be perceived solely as a rival for the love of the parents. As an annoying hindrance, as an attempt to replace a senior.

One man once shared that he had always hated his younger brother. In childhood, the elder was sick a lot, and his parents were very worried. Therefore, they - just in case - decided to give birth to a younger one. Which, fortunately, was healthy. And one day grandmother to the eldest family secret and said: “We thought you would not survive. So they gave birth to you to replace your brother. " Can you imagine how he felt? Although, according to him, after this recognition of his grandmother, it became easier for him. And it seemed that he himself wound it all up and invented.

Very often, mothers rely on the help of an older child, especially if this child is a girl. And if at first the child himself may want to help in order to feel his own importance, then gradually taking care of the younger ones becomes his duty in any case. Helping the mother, the older child adopts her qualities - responsibility, caring for others skills, leadership

It still has a lot parental expectations, although not as much as on the only one. But they are, and there are enough of them. At a minimum, home help, help with younger ones, understanding and maturity are expected. Even if he's only two or three years old.

“He’s small” - this phrase of parents can haunt older children all their lives. Do not offend, give in, do not take away, give all yours. So further in life, an older child can easily give even what he himself needs, he is ashamed to ask for help, always gives in to everyone in everything.

Moreover, older children are usually very developed leadership skills. Only children also leaders, but the sole leaders-dictators. Older children are democratic leaders of the people. Often people themselves nominate them to leadership positions, because I feel this concern from them.

The only person the older child does not know how to take care of is himself. He was not taught this. That you also have the right to want something, sometimes be against and not share, sometimes be alone without anyone, the right to personal boundaries, personal space, personal things. And for him this right is very important. If you do not allow him all this, he may never allow himself this.

Many characteristics of older children differ depending on what gender they are and what gender their siblings are. Competition is stronger among same-sex children. Even among girls. It’s not even worth discussing with boys. The older brother will always be the one the younger wants to defeat and overtake. This means that he needs to "run faster" so as not to catch up. Girls have almost the same thing, only rivalry can go for who is more beautiful, who is more talented. Which does not prevent them from fighting each other.

If a girl has a younger brother, then the parents need to be doubly attentive. She is older in the family hierarchy. But by gender - more importantly son... Therefore, they can be very hostile and share the palm. It is necessary to very subtly grope for the line where everyone will feel justice. Where main sister, and where is brother.

When an older brother has a younger sister, this is the easiest option for children and parents. She usually naturally obeys and obeys, he learns to protect her. And no one is trying to overthrow him from his pedestal.

Older children are more likely to face injustice. The younger ones usually know how to subtly manipulate, provoke, bring the elders to the handle. And when the elder broke loose and beat the younger, he would get it, and the younger would be pitied again. Younger children deliberately create such situations and revel in their situation. That's why they are younger.

Older children get used to being in a team. They get used to dragging those who do nothing, protecting and protecting them. So they can work for themselves and for their “junior” colleague. They are very uncomfortable when they have to do something on their own, individually. On the one hand, I want it - they can do it, but on the other hand, it is very scary and unusual.

As parents, we can encourage the individual victories of older children, giving them, for example, individual views sports. Tennis, boxing, wrestling. Where the result depends on you and only yours.

Older children are often very pleasant to talk to because they know how to take care. They can achieve a lot in life, because all of this is expected of them. They are hyper-responsible, and this is where it is important for parents to help their children without overwhelming them. As well as not making them adults ahead of time. Let them be children, even if they have a brother.

Senior and Junior

Surely many older children who have grown up remember how, under threat of punishment, they were left to look after their younger brother or sister, scolded if they fell and stuffed cones, suppressed fair complaints and indignations with the words “He’s small! Give in to him! "

At the same time, the younger ones can “show” that they were wearing the clothes of the elders, staying at home when they went to parties and clubs, and were constantly the object of comparison with them. And woe to the younger ones, if they were in some way not like them in the “negative” side - they studied worse, indulged more and obeyed their parents less.

It's good if such offenses are remembered with a smile or slight sadness. But often such "greetings" from childhood poison the lives of adults quite strongly. A man buys new pants every month because he was the fourth child in the family. The elder sister literally plows for the younger ones all her life, forgetting about herself, despite the fact that the “younger ones” are already 35 years old. Someone remembers how they did not buy roller skates for him, spending the saved money on a toy for his younger brother, and another how he hated the older brother only because he was constantly set as an example as the more skillful and independent among them.

Educate in the same conditions senior and youngest child not just difficult, it is impossible because the elder will forever remain the older, and the younger the younger. In psychology, a lot has been written about how children perceive their birth order in a family, how the perception of the world and oneself depends on this, how the child's personality is formed.

But if you can't get away from psychology, and parents cannot change the order of birth of each child, then they are quite capable of making the situations described above as few as possible. To do this, you need to try to avoid the following parenting methods of education.

1. Buy youngest child as little new clothes as possible.

Of course, if there are a lot of things left of the elder, it is a pity to throw them away or give them away, especially if the children of the same sex and the younger have not yet grown up to them. For family budget this is a good saving of money, but for the younger child, the denial of his right to identity, separation from the older child.

An exception may be the situation when the younger himself wants something like the older one.

2. Take the younger one to the same classes as the older one: everyone goes one way early, so at least he will be under supervision.

In this situation, the right of the youngest child to separate is similarly denied. Other interests, activities and hobbies. Of course, it is convenient when two children go to one section and look after each other, but this is not always useful for the development of the children themselves.

3. Comparing the elder with the younger, loading him with the duty of “being like an older brother”.

This is perhaps the most difficult, but most important. Of course, having the experience of raising one child, it is difficult to refrain from comparing him with another. In this case, compare the children at least to yourself. The younger does not need to know that the older one at his age already tidied up the toys himself, painted the sun beautifully, or even went to the store for bread.

Olesya Garanina

educational psychologist

When comparing children with each other, especially if this comparison is not in favor of one of the children, you make two mistakes - you drive the compared one into a corner, develop hatred for your brother / sister, and deprive yourself of the opportunity to gain new parenting experience. Who said that the way it was with the fear is right and right?

It is necessary to compare in order to praise one person without belittling the other and without forming in him a feeling of envy and inferiority.

For example: “Look how Volodya painted! Well done, our elder brother ?! ”,“ How great did Oksana dance, yes, Kolya? What a clever little sister you have ”, instead of phrases -“ Look how Volodya painted, not like you ”,“ How great, Oksana danced. Maybe you will / want that too ?! "

4. "Grow up" an elder, devaluing his feelings and desires: “You are older, be smarter; give in to him, he's small and in general, even though you behave normally. "

5. Load the younger one with responsibility: "If something happens to him, you are to blame."

The oldest child, whether he is 3 years old or 8 at the time of the youngest birth, has not stopped being your child either. And he continues to need your love, and not at all to suddenly become another "parent" for the baby. In such a situation, the feeling of love is more likely to give way to irritation and anger. It is better to involve him in caring for the baby, tell and show how small and helpless he is. And teach the younger one that the older brother or sister needs to be respected and obeyed, not to interfere with his studies, and not to take pencils from his desk without asking.

Remember that two children are not two opposite camps that need to be brought to a common denominator, but two sources of love and joy for parents, two personalities, each of which needs to be put into life in its own way!

One of the most painful issues for parents is the relationship between siblings. Contrary to the expectations of adults, children often do not get along well with each other. Especially if the elders have to look after the younger ones. Parents are not always aware of the fact that one child is assigned to an adult and throws off their responsibilities on him. At the same time, the elder does not receive any buns: he must - and the point.

Teacher Marina Solotova about why children dream of getting rid of their younger brothers and sisters, and what parents need to consider when they plan to replenish their family.

At the age of 12 I got hired so much that I don't want my own

Nastya has two little twin sisters. Nastya is sure that her mother loves them more than her, Nastya. Because their mother brings kinder surprises to them every evening, but she, Nastya, does not. Mom can be understood - she is sure, and probably not without reason, that fifteen-year-old Nastya does not need "kinders".

And Nastya's duties include cooking porridge and casseroles for the sisters. Because mom does not have time to do all the chores around the house. Nastya confesses that she is pounding at the word "casserole".

Nastya also learned to hide her old dolls. At the age of 15, of course, she doesn't need them at all, but Nastya doesn't want her sisters to play with her toys.

Most of all, Nastya is offended because she cannot go to the pool. Time for this, given its many additional classes, she only has in the evening. But in the evening she must take her sisters from kindergarten and bring home - my mother does not have time to arrive at the garden on time, she works.

Nastya cannot go with us on a vacation trip. Because a family with three children does not have enough money for this. “But if I were alone, - says Nastya, - I would have had enough!”

Nastya really does not understand why she has to endure all these troubles - she did not give birth to sisters for herself, she was not even asked if she wants to increase the family!

But at the age of 15, the girl dreams of one thing: how she will finish school and leave home for another city, where there is no younger sisters... And all my conversations about the fact that sisters are great, that this is happiness, that many relatives are God's giftare useless. Nastya does not see the prospects that she has in connection with the presence of sisters in some distant future. She is sure that her life today would be much happier and more interesting if there were no younger children in the family.

First the nanny, then the lyalka?

In our school of journalism, almost every student has younger brothers and sisters. It was the younger ones - it just coincided. And how differently our guys treat them!

There is a girl, Lena, who runs from school to the kindergarten after her brother with a constant smile, anticipating the joy of meeting the baby. When she talks about her brother, she glows. Lena never travels with us, because she loves to stay at home with her brother during the holidays.

There is a boy Misha, whom his parents sent to live with his grandfather in a neighboring house, because he completely got out of hand, and his mother with three younger boys (one of whom is a baby) does not find the time and energy for full communication with the eldest son, who entered puberty. Olya prefers to pretend that she does not hear when it comes to the youngest children in the family. And Ramil before each trip declares that he will go only with his brother. My brother does not study with us, he has completely different interests and hobbies, but the boys do not like to part for a long time.

Remember the saying: "First the nanny, then the lyalka"? Well, it seems like a tradition in our families - older children have to fulfill a whole range of responsibilities in relation to younger ones. And it is also believed that they, children, should enjoy it. The same as the parents. What happens to get. But not all of them.

"I got hired so much as a child that I don't want my own people"

Here are some reviews on this topic in one of the social networks from already adults:

“My sister and I have a difference of 10 years. She stayed with me for 3 months. I did everything (washing, ironing diapers, changing, rocking, walking, feeding every 3 hours, changing diapers, games, fairy tales, lullabies, etc.) and voluntarily. Help Mom. And then she took my sister to the section from the age of 6 to ballroom dancing... And then my sister moved with me to another city. 10th, 11th grade, parenting meetings, admission to the university. Everything is voluntary. But I am so bored that now I am 30 years old, and I do not really want my children. All stages of education were enough for me. "

“I was imposed to take care of younger sister, and I believe that this is IMMUNITY! I didn't feel like doing this, so I only gave birth to one child and never planned on two, and I do NOT regret it! And even maternal capital did not inspire me to THIS! “Thank you” parents for the lack of love for children, they killed her at the age of five.

“I'll tell you about my family. Mom has three daughters. AND older sister I first had to mess with the middle, and then with me, the younger. As a student, I asked the older one: what is it like to babysit, did you like it? To which a clear answer was given: you constantly yelled, you had to clean up a lot, bring up, change diapers, feed, so now I don't want to have my own children! So ... In another family (acquaintances) about the same situation was, the parents work, and the older child can neither play nor relax before the arrival of the parents. "

“Think before giving birth. My sister and I have a difference of 8 years.

At the age of 12, my childhood ended. The sister was completely on me, what is own life, I forgot.
Up to the point that I went to the doctors with her, to parent meetings at school instead of my mother ... And at the age of 15 I was already called her mother. It was not very pleasant. "

“The age difference with two sisters is 8 and 10 years. From the age of 8 on my daily ironing, cleaning (to remove the poop for children, laundry of dirty sliders), not to mention that they need to be shaken, played ... Once, through my oversight (I am 9 years old) my sister fell out of bed, so I also They knocked on the head and threw the hungry out the door to school, in short, complete horror. Well, yes, we grew up, relations with the sisters are normal, but - resentment for my mother for childhood, well, plus I can’t stand ironing. ”

The oldest child never ceases to be a child!

Yes, I know everything about our traditions, family values And all the rest. And I know a lot of examples when children in families are friends, take care of each other and do not consider this care a heavy duty. Because the parents in these families are very simple rule: The oldest child never ceases to be a child!

In such families, with the appearance of the youngest child, the elder does not lose parental attention. He is still loved, he is still surrounded by care, there is always enough time for him. Because the parents, deciding on the second (third, fourth ...), understood that now their love, attention and time are multiplied by two (three, four ...). Yes, babies require the constant presence of the mother. Yes, it is not easy to take time out of your schedule for normal communication with a grown-up son or daughter, especially since they do not particularly require this - they sit at their computer and do not interfere with anyone. Personally, I really like it when mom and dad have a fixed time for each child. Saturday from 10 to 16 - mom's time... And Sunday from 12 to 17 - daddy. We spend it the way the elder wants: a movie, a cafe, a walk, a trip - whatever. But this time is sacred. A clear timetable allows parents to plan their weekend ahead of time so that the elder is not left behind. And the very presence of this watch proves to the child that he is still needed and loved.

How often in families with children of different ages it sounds: "He's small!" or "You're big!" And most often these statements are not in favor of the elder.

That is, "You are big" means that you have to give up something, sacrifice something, you cannot.

Yes, sometimes this is true. But balance is needed. And along with the above, “You're big” should mean that you can use something, you can do something, your opinion taken into account. You are an authority that we, your parents, actively support. And if you, together with us, take part in the education of the younger, then you also participate in the discussion of important family issues with the right to vote. And then the teenager will feel the advantages of his position.

Where there is a senior assistant, the temptation is very high to shift some of your responsibility onto him. Another comment from the social network: “I have four. I remember the day when I said to my daughter: “Lisa, it depends on you how the younger ones will learn. Whether you like it or not, this genetic law... And so, she is an excellent student all her life, and everyone else too. I didn't herd anyone, I didn't hire tutors. " Let's imagine the state of a child who now has to study for four. Yes, a child can help parents with a younger brother, but he, unlike parents, is not responsible for his life, study, development, upbringing!

One day we decided we wanted another family member

It is very important to respect the elder's right to personal time, personal space, personal belongings and other "personal". You need to stay with your brother on Saturday, because you have business? Arrange this on Monday, ideally by first asking if the person has any plans. And yes - not always, if the plans coincide in time, the older child, and not the parents, should abandon their own.

My sister is almost 10 years younger than me. I have remembered for all my life the day when mom and dad said that today we will have a family council. For me, 9 years old, it was a real event. Because on our first family council we decided (WE, I also decided!) that we want another family member. When Lenka was born, I was in seventh heaven. Because I already knew that my life would now become much more interesting.

For 40 s extra years I can’t remember a single case when we quarreled. And now, in terms of age, I can confidently say: thank you, mom and dad. You have not been around for a long time, but my sister and I remain the most dear and close people. Because you have never sacrificed our interests for the benefit of another. Because you taught us this relationship. Because your love has doubled with the advent of my little sister, not divided in half.