How happy the young are at the wedding, how happy they are that they have met each other. All of them wish: "Advice and love!" And people who have lived together say: "Patience to you!" Young - again: "Love you, love!" And those who have already lived: "Patience to you!"

It always surprised me at a wedding. “What kind of patience are they talking about? - I thought, - Love, love! " And so I want those couples who create a family to be happy. So you want their happiness to be preserved for life.

Have I seen such families? I saw! And not only in the photographs of the royal family. It is possible, but it has become rare. Why? Not ready. We now very often have the following directive: “Take everything from life! Take the maximum today! Don't think about tomorrow. "

Family is something else. The family presupposes sacrificial love. It involves the ability to listen to another person, to sacrifice something for the sake of another. This runs counter to what is now being suggested through the media. Now the maximum is that they say: "they began to live and make good money." And that's all. Good to make money! How to relate to each other in family life? Unclear. We'll see how it goes.

Why is a young family starting to fall apart? What does she face, what difficulties?

Trying on new statuses

Before marriage, during the so-called "period of conquest", young people are always in a good mood, look good, smile, and are very friendly. When they have already signed, they see each other from day to day as they are in real life.

I remember how one psychologist said this: "It is impossible for a person to walk on his toes all his life." In the premarital period, he walks on his toes. But in a family, if a person walks on tiptoes all the time, sooner or later his muscles will contract. And he will still be forced to stand on a full foot, start walking as usual. It turns out that after marriage, people behave as usual, which means that not only the very good begins to manifest in our character, but also that bad that, unfortunately, happens in our character, from which we ourselves would like to get rid of. And at this moment, when a person becomes real, and not like the one standing in the shop window, some difficulties arise.

But it is not normal for a person to always be in a blissful state. That is, loving people begin to see each other in different states: in joy, in anger, and looking great, and not so. It happens in a rumpled robe, and in sweatpants it happens. If before a woman always looked great, then after marriage, in the presence of her husband, she begins to induce beauty and the like. That is, those things that were previously hidden have become visible. There is irritation, and in a sense, disappointment. Why was there a fairy tale before, but now gray days have come? But that's okay! It was just not necessary to create castles in the air.

Now you need to understand, to accept a person completely as he is. With its merits, and with its demerits. At the moment when a person begins to show not only his advantages, but also his shortcomings, new roles of husband and wife appear. And this state is completely new for a person who has just entered into a marriage union. Of course, before marriage, before marriage, each person imagined what kind of husband or wife he would be, what kind of father or mother he would be. But this is at the level of just ideas, ideals. Being in a marriage, a person behaves as it happens. And compliance with the ideal either works or does not work. Of course, from the very beginning, not everything works out the best way.

For clarity, I will give an example. One woman said very wisely: “There is no such person who would have got up on figure skates for the first time and immediately went and began to perform difficult elements.” Well, this does not happen. He will definitely fall and fill bumps. So it is when creating a family. People entered into an alliance and immediately became the best husband and wife in the world. It doesn't work that way. All the same, you will have to endure the pain, and fall, and cry. But you also have to get up. That's life. This is normal.

The husband is expected to behave differently from the groom. And the wife is also expected to behave differently from the bride. Note that even showing love in a family should be different from showing love in a premarital relationship. Answer this question yourself - if the groom puts a bunch of flowers to his bride before the marriage, climbing up the drain pipe to the third floor, how will other people perceive it? "Wow, how he loves her, he just lost his head from love!" Now imagine that a husband who has a key to this apartment does the same. He climbs up to the third floor to place a bunch of flowers. In this case, everyone will say: "He's kind of strange." In the second case, it will be perceived not as a virtue, but as the strangeness of his thinking. They will think if he is sick.

It would seem a trifle how to present a bunch of flowers. But expectations from the groom and from the husband are completely different. Why? Yes, because love is something in marriage, it is completely different. Here, more and more seriously, more demanding, much more tolerance, prudence, calmness should be shown. Quite different qualities are expected. Returning to the original question, premarital relationships and the beginning of family life are completely different stages in family life. But the beginning of a family, it seems to me, is more interesting, because this is already real life. Premarital relationships are preparation for a fairy tale, and family life is a fairy tale already beginning. Which will be happy or unhappy, but it depends on you.

The difference between a man and a woman in understanding love and family

A man and a woman feel differently at the very beginning of family life. Many women have a desire to preserve the style of premarital relationships, so that the man always compliments them, gives flowers and gifts. Then she thinks that he really loves her. And if he does not give gifts, does not say compliments, there is a suspicion: "Probably out of love." And the young wife begins to peer at him, ask questions. And the man does not understand why the woman is so restless, what happened.

When psychologists began to study this issue, it turned out that at any stage of family development it is important for a woman that a man would say something good and kind to her. A woman is so arranged that she needs verbal support. And men are more rational. And when men are asked about the extinct feelings, they are surprised, and the majority say: “But after all, we signed, there is a fact. After all, this is the most important proof of love. Still, it's clear what else to say? "

That is, a man and a woman have a different approach. A woman needs proof every day. And so the man does not understand what is happening to her every day. But it costs him nothing to bring and present one flower. And the woman will blossom after that, she will move mountains! It is important to her, but the man does not get it. One man said that when a woman starts to get angry, he does not attack her, but tells her: “Despite the fact that you are angry, I still love you. You are so beautiful! " What's going on with the woman? She melts away and says, "It's impossible to talk to you seriously." You just need to feel each other and say the necessary words. Since the woman is more emotional, you need to give her this emotional support.

They began to look further, and it turned out that even the very concept of "love and being together" a man and a woman understand differently. There is such a family of psychologists, husband and wife Kronik. They investigated the question of how men and women understand what it means to be together. When entering into marriage, a man and a woman say: “I am entering into a marriage for love. I love this man. And I want to always be with him. " It would seem that we speak the same language, we pronounce the same thing. But it turns out that a man and a woman put different meanings in these words. Which one?

The first and most common. When a woman says “love and be together,” her performance can be depicted as the following model. If you draw circles (they are called Eller circles): one circle and inside it a shaded second circle. This is what it means for a woman to be together. She tries to be in the center of the life of her beloved man. Such women often say: "I love you so much that if you are not in my life, then it loses its meaning." This is the same type of relationship when a woman in family life begins to cry or runs to a psychologist. She doesn't understand what's going on. “But we agreed to be together,” she says.

If you look from the Orthodox point of view, the law is violated here: the Gospel says "Do not make yourself an idol." This woman makes her husband not just a husband and a loved one, she puts him above God. She kind of says to him, "You are everything to me." This is a violation of spiritual law!

From a psychological point of view, such a woman in these relationships takes the role of a mother, and makes a child out of a husband. She re-educates her husband to the level of a capricious child. “Watch me cook. On you porridge, on you supik. See how well I clean. And come on this or this? Only love me! And let me rock you, sing a song. " And the man gradually becomes a child from the head of the family. Who would refuse to be carried on their hands?

Several years pass, and the woman begins to shout: "I gave you my whole life, and you are ungrateful!" “Listen,” the man says, “I didn't ask you to do this.” And he is absolutely right. She herself grabbed him in her arms, carried him, and then burst into tears. Who is to blame here? The man should be the head of the family, and the wife had to behave in such a way that he felt like the head. She should not raise a capricious child out of him. You must be able to love!

The second type of family, common in the deified Russia, depicted using Eller's circles. One shaded circle. Style "don't leave me a step, and I won't leave you." Such a family is like a prison. Once, in a student sketch, a student described this situation as follows: the wife, as it were, says to her husband, "To the leg, to the leg!" She says this to the head of the family, her husband! But he's not a dog! Why "to the leg"? At the same time, a woman comes to a family consultation and says: “You know, I suffer so much, but he is so ungrateful. He doesn't appreciate me at all! " However, she sincerely believes that she is suffering. And she does not understand that her strongest love is for herself. The attitude towards the husband is humiliating, not as to the head of the family, but as to the one to whom one can say "Be quiet!" and "To the leg!"

The next version of love and the interpretation of the concept of "being together." This option is the most normal and humane. If you depict the relationship in the form of wedding rings, they will overlap each other a little. That is, the husband and wife are together, but not as in the second case, when the family is like a prison. Here a woman understands that her husband is an independent person, he has the right to his experiences, his actions. They do not always have to walk toe-to-toe and look in one direction, there must be respect for each other, trust. If a man is not at home for some time, this does not mean that he is doing something indecent. No need to tell him "Where have you been? .. And now again, but honestly!" There should be a certain freedom, trust in each other. And a woman feels more comfortable, comfortable when a man is not always in front of her eyes. I want to draw your attention, to love is still giving another person the opportunity to do something without you. From this, the other person does not become a stranger, from this he grows up, he gains new information, his life becomes richer. A person communicates at his work, he reads books that he likes. Having processed all this, he becomes more interesting in the family, becomes more mature.

Now let's see how men understand what it means to be together. It turned out that the most common option is the following. If you depict two circles, then they will be at a distance from each other, and will be united by something in common: basically a man and a woman are united by their place of residence (apartment). What does it mean? The man is more independent. He needs more freedom in life. This does not mean that he is not a home person. A man values \u200b\u200bfamily life very much. He just needs a normal family environment. He does not need a hysterical wife, rushing about, who sees her life in raising her husband as a student. He does not need one who reproaches all her life, and then says "Why don't you appreciate me?"

This misunderstanding between a man and a woman, when they understand differently what it means to be together, is felt especially acutely in the first year of life together. Because of this, women suffer more often. Therefore, I appeal to them. If a man is not always in front of your eyes, do not take it as a tragedy. Moreover, a man must assert himself at work. If he asserts himself in work, in his profession, he becomes much softer in the family. If something does not work out for him at work, then he behaves harder in the family. Therefore, do not be jealous of his work. This is also a mistake. Husband and wife should not breathe in and out at the same time. And in life the same way, everyone should have their own rhythm, but they should be together. Unity should take place at the level of trust and respect for the other person.

I sometimes suggest to some women: "Imagine that a man would tell you troubles from morning till evening, teach you something from morning to evening." Such things never occur to women. Women do not at all understand that she is not a teacher in the family, and her husband is not a poor student. The opposite is true: he is the head of the family, and she should be his assistant. To teach him is not according to the commandments, it is a violation of spiritual laws.

There are physical laws and there are spiritual ones. Both those and others are of God. Both those and others are not canceled. There is a law of universal gravity. They threw a stone, it must fall to the ground. A heavy stone was thrown, it will hit very hard. The same is true for spiritual laws. Whether we know them or not, they still work. The elders write that "The dominion of a woman over a man is blasphemy against God," fighting against God. If a woman does not behave according to the commandments, she will suffer. Women, come to your senses! Begin to behave properly. Everything will come to life and line up as it should.

Monotone

In the first year of family life, there is such a complexity as monotony. If before marriage they met occasionally with each other, there were dates, and at this time both were in high spirits, everything was festive. In family life, it turns out that they see each other from day to day. And they see all sorts of things, and in a good mood, and in a bad one, they see ironed, ironed and not ironed at all. As a result of monotony, monotony accumulates emotional fatigue. We must learn to arrange holidays for ourselves. Just drop everything and go out of town together. Another setting, nature, and both of you calmed down. Just a change of impressions. And when people return from such a trip, everything is already different. Many problems no longer seem as global as before, and everything is simpler. The most important thing is to have it together, and to have a rest together, throw off this monotony, get rid of monotony.

Hypertrophy of little things

As a result of monotony, emotional fatigue sets in, the so-called "hypertrophy of little things" begins. That is, trifles begin to annoy.

A woman is annoyed that a man, returning home, does not hang his jacket on his shoulders, but throws it somewhere. Another woman is annoyed that the toothpaste is squeezed out not in the middle, but from above or below (that is, not where she is used to). And it starts to irritate to a nervous chill. Some things start to annoy the man too. For example, why does she talk on the phone for so long. And before the marriage, it touched him. “Wow, how sociable she is, how she is loved, how many people are drawn to her, and she chose me.” In marriage, the same is annoying to a nervous tremor. “What can you talk about for so many hours on the phone? he asks. - No, you tell me - about what? " When married couples come for a consultation, you see that they are not ready for a compromise, physically they can hardly restrain themselves. Husband and wife often turn to each other with the question: “Do you understand that these are trifles? Well, if it's not that important, why is it so hard for you to give in to me? "

First, the position where someone else has to rebuild for me is an unwise position. Even in ancient times, people said, "If you want to be happy, be happy." This does not mean that the whole world should be rebuilt for our convenience. There should be elementary patience and self-control. Well, what's the difference how the man squeezed out the paste? It's not a global tragedy that he hung his clothes on a chair, and not on a hanger. You can react differently without getting hysterical.

What else is starting to happen? There is a need to run a household. If earlier you could do nothing at home, or do it occasionally, because you were a child, now everything turned out differently. Earlier they told you: "You will work hard in life, you still have a rest." And when families are created, the classic version is as follows: a young wife only gets an egg or potatoes, fry eggs, heat cutlets, and the husband can do about the same. Is this a readiness for family life? Basic dinner preparation becomes a feat. Remember the movie, Munchausen says "Today I have a feat on my schedule"? Then everything in the family becomes a feat. Even banal food preparation. Mamma had done everything before, but then some responsibilities fell. It is very annoying if you are not ready, if you are used to using it.

What to do in this situation? Grow up! Rebuild! You need to make an effort on yourself. It's elementary, if you remember the stage when children move from kindergarten to school, and they have new responsibilities, new lessons, so much time has to be prepared. Well, because of this, they don't leave school! They learn, go on and on.

Just laugh at this little thing, turn everything into a joke. This is on the one hand. On the other hand, go towards each other. This is not such a global problem, because you can listen to another person. This is the most reasonable thing. There is a phrase - "I will die, but I will not bow down." Well, why die standing up when it’s so easy to come up and hang your jacket in the right place, if this annoys another person, especially a loved one? After all, he will be grateful to you, and the evening will turn out to be happier and there will be no scenes. Also for a woman. If she feels that her husband is annoyed by her long conversations on the phone, she should give in to him.

Who is the head of the family or Caesar - Caesar's

In the first year, it is determined who will be the head of the family. Husband or wife? Very often women who marry for love begin their family life by pleasing their husband. It is so natural: when you love, it is good for the other person. Many women are carried away. They begin to behave in the spirit of “I'll do everything myself. After all, the main thing is that you feel good. " If you need to get out, of course, she herself. To the store? Don't, she herself. If the husband offers help, immediately "don't, don't, I myself." If a man starts to decide something, the woman also tries to take an active part, "but I think so," "let's do as I say." She, simply speaking, does not understand at this moment that she is unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) trying to take on the role of head of the family.

Many women who are getting married behave the same at a wedding, when the newlyweds are supposed to bite off a piece of a loaf. They try so hard to bite off more. They shout to her: "Bite more!" And the woman tries to swallow to the maximum. According to a Moscow proverb: "The wider you open your mouth, the more you bite off." So they try to open their mouth wider, up to the dislocation. They don't even know that a family tragedy begins here. This is the beginning of family pain in several generations. Why? It is normal for a man to be in charge of the family (whether he understands it or not). The woman is weak. The man himself is more rational, cold-blooded, calm. His thinking is different. Women are more emotional, we feel more, but we capture more in breadth than in depth. Therefore, the family council should be in the family: one takes more in width, the other - in depth. One is more at the level of cold reason, the other at the level of the heart, feelings. Then there is fullness, warmth, comfort.

If a woman, without realizing it, intercepts the role of a leader from a man, the following happens: she changes, loses her femininity, becomes masculine. Pay attention, a woman in love and loving can be seen from afar. She is very gentle, the embodiment of femininity and motherhood, calm, peaceful. If we take the emancipated modernity, then in many families matriarchy reigns now, in which a woman is the leader of the family. Why?

Very often women come for a consultation and say, “Where can I get them, real men. I would be glad to get out of this, but where can I find it? " When you begin to analyze the situation, it turns out that with her attitude towards life and with her behavioral features, only the man who will shut up and step aside can survive with her without a heart attack. Because someone has to be sane. He thinks, "I'd rather keep quiet, because you can't shout her down." She shouts to him: "What kind of husband are you ?!" And he was simply already deaf from her scream. “Yes, here I am. Take it easy. See that you are not alone. You just feel that you are a woman. "

A woman should be feminine, soft and not hysterical. Warmth should come from her. The woman's task is to keep the hearth. But what kind of guardian is she if it is a tsunami, typhoon, a small Chechen war within the family territory? A woman needs to come to her senses, remember that she is a woman!

Women ask me the question "What should I do if he does not take on the role of head?" First, I must say that our boys are not trained to be the head of the family. Earlier, before 1917, the boy was told: “When you grow up, you have to become the head of the family, you will answer before God, as there was a wife behind you (she is a weak vessel). You will answer how the children felt behind your back (after all, they are small). You will have to answer before God what you did to make them all feel good. " They said to him: “You are the protector! You must protect your family, your homeland. " Orthodoxy teaches us that there is no higher honor than to lay down our lives for our friends. It's an honor! Because you're a man. And now they say: “Think about it! Do you want to join the army? You will die there! Are you crazy or what ?! " Now they bring up in the spirit: "You are still small, you still have to live for yourself."

And this "little" one creates a family. And it would be all right, he could become the head of the family if there was a feminine woman nearby. There should be a wife next to her, who was brought up in Orthodox traditions, who knows that her task is to be such a wife so that she wants to return to her house, because she is there, because she is kind and loving, and not shy away from her with the words “Lord have mercy. " She should be such a mother that children can approach her for help, and not run away from her, seeing how bad she is. She should be a hostess so that it would not be a feat for her to cook food. You see, when a man marries a feminine woman, the family life is different. And in a family with an emancipated woman, the following situation often occurs. She says: “You didn't listen to me last time, and it turned out badly. So be smart, listen to me now! Do you not yet understand that you are complete (knock-knock-knock) compared to me? "

When I was studying at the institute, our teacher once said: "Girls, remember for the rest of your life: an intelligent person and an intelligent woman are not the same thing." Why? An intelligent person has erudition, extraordinary thinking. An intelligent woman does not exaggerate her intellect when communicating, especially in a family. She tries to carefully find the very solution, the softest, the most painless, that would suit everyone in the family in order to help her husband, and so that everything is peaceful and calm. Many of our women are not smart. They go into a frontal attack, they act like fighters in the ring, women's boxing begins. What does a man do? He steps aside. "If you want to fight, well, fight."

Moscow psychologist (her kingdom of Heaven) Florenskaya Tamara Aleksandrovna said a wonderful phrase: "In order for a husband to be a real man, one must become a real woman herself." We must start with ourselves. This, of course, is difficult, but without this, a real man will not work. When a woman is constantly torn and hysterical, the man tries to step aside so as not to go deaf.

It's that simple. When a woman realizes herself and begins to change, at first the man is tensely waiting for the usual scenes, begins to ask: "Are you all right?" But then, when she really changes, then the husband finally begins to behave like a man, because he is given the opportunity to behave not like a whipping boy, but like a real man. And then, since the parents behave like a normal husband and wife, the children calm down. Peace comes to the family, everything falls into place.

Some women say, “How can I behave like a helper? I can not! Neither my grandmother nor my mother behaved like that. I never had this before my eyes. "

Indeed, how? Everything is banal and very simple - you should not stick out your “I” and put it at the forefront, but just love and cherish the other. Then the heart begins to prompt.

For example, a woman says, “Here I am discussing family issues with him, but all the same, I make the right decision. Why lie then? Why waste time on this? " This is how an intelligent person behaves, but an unwise woman, because she is digging a grave for her family. She seems to say: “I can't see you point-blank. What did someone say there? Are you? What did you squeak there? "

Is this how they behave with the head of the family? For example, one very intelligent woman answers my question: "How do you talk to your husband?" She says: “I will tell you the options that came to my mind, but the decision is up to you. You're the head. " I told him how she sees the situation, and he makes the decision. And it is right!

I understand that this is difficult to say. A modern woman is more likely to break, and will act according to the principle "I will die, but I will not bow down." And the family falls apart.

It is normal for a woman to turn to a man for advice. And the man begins to get used to the fact that he is in charge, what will be asked of him. When there are children, it's okay to tell the child, “Ask dad. As he says, so be it. After all, he is our chief. "

When the children are naughty, it’s right to say: “Quiet, dad is resting. He was at work. Let's be quiet. " These are little things, but they are the ones that make up a happy family. This must be learned to do. This is how an intelligent woman, a homemaker, behaves. Next to such a woman, a man from an inexperienced boy becomes the head. It is such a family, according to a survey of sociologists and psychologists, that is strong, because everything is in its place.

Relations of a young family with relatives

Family psychologists who have studied a lot of young families have come to the conclusion that it is better to live separately from their parents. With modern upbringing, if a young family begins to live separately, it does not have such a painful effect on how they master their roles than if they lived with their parents.

Let me explain why. Modern people are very childish. Very often people who create families, they are still determined to be children, so that mom and dad carry them on handles, so that mom and dad can solve their problems. If there is not enough money for them to help. If you can't buy clothes, you can buy more clothes. If the environment is not good enough, they will help with furniture. And if there is no apartment, they should rent an apartment. This attitude is selfish. Parents, like small children, must carry them on handles, must roll them in strollers. This is wrong, because when a family is created, they are two adults who may soon have their own children. They themselves have to carry someone on handles. When creating a family, it is necessary in advance, before marriage, before marriage, to think about where the young will live. Better to find an opportunity, try to earn money in advance. It is advisable that not at the expense of the parents, but at their own expense, at least for the first six months to rent an apartment and live separately.

Why did psychologists come to the conclusion that with modern upbringing, it is better to start family life separately? When a family is created, young people must master the role of husband or wife. These roles must be consistent. But it doesn't work out that everything was smooth at once. And in order to become a good wife, a woman must feel on herself what it means to be a good wife. For her, this is still an unusual state. It's the same for a man. Being a husband is unusual, but he is the head of the family, a lot is expected from him. Quite recently there was so much freedom, but now there are only responsibilities. A man needs to get used to it. Young spouses need to coordinate their actions so that communication between husband and wife is a joy. And in these painful moments, when everything does not always work out, it is better for the young to live separately. When one person after the wedding comes to another family, he should not only find a common language with this particular person. He will have to join the life of another family in which they have lived without him for very long years. For example, consider the relationship in a classroom when a new student arrives. Everyone had been together for a long time, and then a new one came. At first, everyone is looking at him. And it happens, like in the movie "Scarecrow". If a person differs from others, then repressive measures are sure to begin against him, they try him for strength. They watch how he will behave. Why? He is different, and we must see how much you can find a common language with him.

The Japanese even have a saying: "If a nail sticks out, they drive it in." What does it mean? If a person stands out in something, they try to adjust him to the general standard so that he becomes like everyone else. It turns out that a person who comes to another family, in which all relationships have already developed, experiences more difficulties. He has to build relationships not only with one person, husband or wife, but also with other relatives. He is no longer equal, it is more difficult for him.

When young people get married, they look at each other and think that the family is two people. And there are still numerous relatives, and each has his own idea of \u200b\u200bhow to behave with this family: what time to visit and leave, in what tone to talk, how often to interfere. And these problems with new relatives are quite painful.

How do today's youth behave? Very often she was brought up in the system of democracy, in the values \u200b\u200bof universal equality. Elderly people have lived their lives, they have a wealth of experience. What is equality here? What is a familiar pat on the shoulder? There should be respect for adults! But adults now have their own imbalances. It is written in the Gospel that "a man will leave his father and his mother, and the two will become one flesh." A person must leave his parents. They have the right to intervene in a child's life when he does not have his own family. When he has his own family, he is, as they say, "a cut off hunk." The family must make the decision on their own, at their family council. Climbing to them so actively with advice is not allowed.

Especially often there are problems when the mother interferes in the life of a young family. A man, unlike a woman, rarely interferes with the family of his child. What is the mother's mistake? The only mistake is that it does not help correctly. Help, of course, is necessary, but not at the level of humiliation and reproaches. The same thing can be said at the level of a reprimand, a public slap in the face. And the same can be said very carefully, one on one. "Daughter, I wanted to talk to you." When it is said with love, the heart always responds. When this is said with the wrong inner attitude, the person begins to reject. We must learn to help another person. Not at the level of the ruler, who beats with a whip, but at the parental level, having many years of experience behind her and instructing them, fledgling chicks, helping with advice. They will definitely hear!

And another feature: very many young people now, when they are creating families, begin to call their new parents not "mom" and "dad", but by name and patronymic. Their motivation is as follows: “Well, you know, I have a dad and a mom. And it's hard for me to say "mom" and "dad" to strangers. " This is not true! We have formal and informal style in clothes, we have a classic suit and we have indoor clothes. The official style also presupposes official communication by name and patronymic, here it is indecent to use the name. This communication style sets the distance. If in a family where there are close relationships, communication takes place at the level of an official reception, then a distance immediately appears. And then the question: why am I being treated with arrogance? It is normal to call, if you are well-mannered, your new parents "mom" and "dad". "Mommy", "Daddy", and the answer will be involuntarily - "daughter" or "son". As it comes around, it will respond. There is a law in psychology: if you want to change your attitude towards yourself, change your attitude towards this person. We must feel the heart of another person.

It can be very difficult. Many women at consultations say: “He has such a mother! It is impossible to stand it. Why should I love her? " You understand, if you lack so much kindness, at least love her because she gave birth to and raised such a son for you. She gave birth. And she raised. And now you have married him. Already for this you should be grateful to her. Start with this at least and the other person will feel it. Necessarily! As it comes around, it will respond. You need to love your relatives, and not immediately arrange transformations: “I came, and now everything will be different. Here we will rearrange, here we will plant flowers, replace the curtains. " If this family lived its own way, and you came to this family, you must respect it. You need to start by loving other people and learning how to give love. Do not demand, but give!

This is the task of the first year of family life. It's very hard. If a person is brought up in Orthodoxy, this is natural for him. If he was brought up in a modern way: in the spirit of “live, take everything from life,” then these are continuous problems. As a result, the first year ends, and you think, “Before that, life was calm, like in a fairy tale. And there are so many problems. Let's get divorced. " And people get divorced, not realizing that family life can be very happy, you just have to work hard, and then the return can be huge. If at the very beginning of family life this sprout is broken off, then there will be a point, thorns all life. That is, you need to let the family get stronger, gain strength, so that it gives you warmth.

This painful moment of family formation is common. For example, a baby learns to walk, he gets up and falls, gets up and falls. But this does not mean that now he should not learn to walk. A young family, she also learns to walk. But there is such a feature. When a baby learns to walk, it is necessary for an adult to stand nearby, constantly insure, take the handle. In the case of a young family, they must hold each other's hand. Together, husband and wife. Psychologists recommend starting to learn to walk separately from other relatives. When they learn to walk in one leg, figuratively speaking, then it turns out that they can already move on to the next step. After some time, after living separately, you can move to your parents. And the money that was spent on paying for the apartment can already be spent on other things.

In addition, a separate life helps young spouses to grow up. I started with the fact that we have some young people, and even for the most part, when they start family life, they still have consumer attitudes. “Give, give, give! I am still a child, I am still small and there is no demand from me ”. But imagine if a person ended up on a desert island. Who will pay attention to whether you are small or rather big, can you cook or not? You will have to search around so that you can eat this, and then you will have to look for a way to cook it. After all, you will not eat raw fish, such as it was thrown ashore? You are forced to find opportunities, learn how to cook food, how to equip your life. When young people begin to live separately, they seem to be on that very uninhabited island. It depends only on them what they will eat, how they will live, how they will build relationships. This helps you grow up much faster. And infantile attitudes such as “carry me on your arms” must be removed. This is reasonable, and I think parents should not hinder it. Of course, I want everything to be fine with my children, I want to grab the pens. But it's time for them to grow up. Listen to this. Of course, there are times when young people have matured internally, when they can build their relationships, being in the family of their parents. But for most young people this is very difficult. These are additional problems.

The appearance of a child

Second stage, second step. First year. A child appears in the family. I am not taking the case of so-called "simulated" marriages (this is when the bride is pregnant and therefore the marriage is concluded). Earlier in Russia it was considered a shame. Why? The word "bride" means - "unknown", synonyms - mystery, purity. Her clothes are white, a sign of purity. In our case, what is the unknown bride? I was recently shown a fashion magazine for a pregnant bride. Different options for a wedding dress for pregnant brides. They are simply taught consciously, systematically to debauchery. Previously, it was at the level of shame, but now it is in the order of things.

What happens if the bride is pregnant? The first crisis of family life is superimposed on another - the child. And the family is bursting at all the seams. If you look psychologically. And if you know the spiritual laws, then things are already obvious. The fact is that when a person lives according to the commandments of God, when he is covered with grace, everything happens by itself. He goes with thanksgiving. A sense of security appears. The feeling that God is love, and He cares about each of us. When a person begins to sin ... there is such a concept “sin stinks”. The guardian angel departs because our sin stinks. Grace leaves us, we begin to suffer, to suffer. We ourselves have departed from God. We have chosen this path and we ourselves are suffering. When the bride becomes so "experienced" (and sometimes not just one man), and then she asks: "Why do I suffer so much, why do my children suffer?" Well, open the Gospel, read it!

When a child was born earlier, they prayed, asked God to send that child who would be the joy of the family, the joy of God. Now often "holiday" children are born. When people get drunk on holidays and conceive a child in this state. And then the baby is born, and the parents ask: who did he go to, did we not have this in our family?

Before, when a woman was carrying a child, she always prayed. She confessed often, received communion. Through this, the child is formed. A woman's body is a house for this baby. She clears up and her condition affects the child. Naturally, everything also affects the relationship with her husband, physical relations cease. Because this is a hormonal earthquake for a baby. Why do they say "absorbed with mother's milk"? When mom fed the baby, she prayed. And if the mother, while feeding with her husband, cursed or watched a film of semi-pornographic content, which is now constantly shown on TV, then what is laid to the baby with mother's milk? Remember how you behaved when carrying the child and feeding. And why be surprised after that?

There are no dead ends in Orthodoxy. God is absolute love, and He is waiting for our repentance. Only. And as in the parable of the prodigal son, only the son returns, the father ran to meet him. “Father, I am not worthy to be called your son,” the son says, and the father runs to meet him. Here you just need to realize and repent, and repentance means correction. And repentance should be not only at the level of “now I won't do that”. It is imperative to go to confession and receive communion. Then we heal the soul and body.

We often would like to cope with our strengths, but we cannot. I remember that in the Soviet period there was a slogan: "A man is the smith of his own happiness." And I read in one newspaper: "A man is a grasshopper of his own happiness." Exactly! A person jumps, chirps, thinks that he is jumping high. What a blacksmith is there! After all, without God a person cannot create anything. Therefore, you need to go to God, repent, ask for strength, say “I have already done so much in my life, help, fix it, I cannot, you can. Help! Wise me, guide me and fix everything. You could revive the four-day Lazarus when he was already a stinking corpse. You revive me, revive my family, which is already stinking, disintegrating, my children, who have suffered, you help them yourself ”. And, of course, you yourself must begin to correct yourself. This is all possible.

What happens when a young family has a baby? They expect him and think: now everything will be fine. And what begins is that they must take on new roles of mother and father. There is a feat of motherhood and fatherhood. This is sacrificial love, you have to forget about yourself. How can you forget about yourself? It's so hard when you're selfish. And when you love, it's not difficult at all.

When a baby is born, how does the load in the family change? Firstly, if we take statistics, the burden on a woman on household chores increases dramatically, the time for preparing food doubles. Cook for adults and for a small one. And all by the hour. In addition, the washing time increases many times.

Farther. A newborn baby should sleep 18-20 hours a day. But now in our city, and throughout Russia, only 3% of absolutely healthy babies are born. The diagnosis of hyperexcitability has become a tradition in babies. What modern baby sleeps 18-20 hours? He cries and cries. As a result, when crying stops, a woman can fall asleep both sitting and half-standing. The woman has such an emotional overload. And what about the man? He thought it would be such happiness. But it turned out the opposite: the wife rushes about, the child cries. And this is family life.

What happens next? An offer comes in: “Let's get a divorce? So tired! " But why divorce? You just have to grow up. A child will not be a baby all his life. Within a year, he will begin to walk, grow, and then the baby has an amazing ability (up to 5 years old) to bring joy. They are such suns in the family, they are so happy about everything. "What is there to be happy about?" - we think. And they are so happy: "Mom, look here and there is a house, and here is a house, and around the house." And he's so happy. "Ah, mom, look bird!" And he's happy. For them, everything is for the first time in their life. This is a lesson for us, adults, how we can get joy from everything.

Recording of the conversation - Maternity Protection Center "Cradle", Yekaterinburg.

Transcript, editing, headings - site

Distance (online) course will help to find family happiness . (Psychologist Alexander Kolmanovsky)
The family ship crashes on the ice of selfishness ( Crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
The family needs a hierarchy ( Psychologist Lyudmila Ermakova)
Commitment allows people to be together ( Family psychologist Irina Rakhimova)
Marriage: the end and beginning of freedom ( Psychologist Mikhail Zavalov)
Does a family need a hierarchy? ( Psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
If you create a family, then for life ( Yuri Borzakovsky, Olympic champion)
The country of the family is a great country ( Vladimir Gurbolikov)
Apology for marriage ( Priest Pavel Gumerov)

Family relationships

When working with all family members at the same time, it becomes noticeable how diverse and inconsistent their activity is manifested. It is expressed in all kinds of movements and gestures, in ambiguous phrases and reticence. Most of all, this picture resembled a can of worms. It is difficult to determine where one worm ends and another begins. All this chaotic movement left an impression of liveliness and purposefulness. But this is an aimless movement. This comparison seemed so successful that they called the totality of intrafamilial relationships "a can of worms."

You can draw a picture of your family with a circle around each. If there was someone else in your family who no longer exists, you can designate this person with a shaded circle (deceased relatives, departed husband or wife). Everyone who was once a member of the family but then left it for any reason, forever leaves a deep imprint in the minds of their loved ones. If those who remained did not accept the separation, then the "spirit" of the deceased would hover over them and interfere in the life of the family. But as soon as the family finally realizes the loss and comes to terms with the separation, the negative influence of the "spirit" will disappear.

It is impossible to remain an independent island in a family for a long time. All family members are connected by a whole network of people, they are invisible, but they certainly exist.

Now you need to make changes to the map that couples are going through, they have their own role names.

Roles and couples in the family are divided into:

1. Married - husband and wife.

2. Parent-child - father-daughter, mother-daughter, father-son, etc.

3. Children - brother - sister, brother - brother, etc.

Roles are always paired in the family. You cannot play the role of a wife in the absence of a husband and the role of a brother in the absence of a sister (brother).

The same role is associated with different expectations. Therefore, it is important to find out what this role means for each family member.

In families, the roles are often slightly confused. Sometimes husband and wife have different ideas about marital roles that are far from each other. They never discussed these issues and believed that their ideas about family roles were the same.

What can you say about your family? What are your ideas about family roles? Why don't you all together discuss your views on your own role in the family, the role of your spouse, children?

You can imagine all the roles that your family members play in the form of hats, which they wear depending on the situation and during the day they constantly take off and put on their hats. And if you have to put on all the hats at once, it will be very difficult.

Now we will draw on the family map the lines connecting family members to each other, and think about the nature of the relationship of each couple, imagine how these two feel.

Now let's look at the triangles in the family, they appear with the appearance of the child, and now the family map will look like this: it is already difficult to select individual parts here. The connections between triangles become intertwined and complicated. In families, we do not live in pairs, but in triangles.

When a child appears, then 3 triangles are formed at once, and not one. Triangle - this is a couple + one more person, and since two can address at the same time, the third often remains, as it were, redundant. The essence of the triangle changes depending on who is currently on the sidelines. These triangles are: mother, father, son (daughter), etc. The level of tension within a particular triangle depends on who is currently in the position of an outside observer, and how uncomfortable he feels in this role. The "superfluous" always has a choice: either to intervene and disrupt the relationship of the other two, or to maintain their communication, remaining an interested observer. This choice will be decisive for the nature of family ties. All kinds of relationships and situations can arise between people in a triangle. When two are talking, the third may interrupt them, trying to draw attention to themselves. If disagreements arise between two members of the triangle, one of them can call on the third to be an ally. In this way, the triangle changes - constantly someone else is on the sidelines.

Can you recall a recent time when you were in an observer position with two other family members? How did you behave? What did you feel? What triangles do you have in your family?

And for a family of 5 people there are 13 such triangles. The success of family relationships depends on how these triangles are organized. To improve the relationship within the triangle, you need to realize the fact that one person cannot pay equal attention to two other people at the same time. If you find yourself unnecessary in the triangle, speak it out so that the other members of the triangle can hear you. Prove in practice that being superfluous for you is not a reason for anger, resentment or irritation; problems arise when people begin to think that since they are on the sidelines, it means that they are bad or no one needs them. You just don't know how to appreciate yourself.

To feel good in a triangle, you need to be confident and independent. If you find yourself superfluous in the triangle, you need to be able to calmly wait, not be offended, speak directly and honestly about your feelings and thoughts, and not hide your emotions.

Family ties did not arise immediately, it takes several years, including the courtship period, but this process sometimes does not end, because the core (the married couple) continues to develop and change.

When a family comes together, many different systems begin to function: people, couples, triangles.

The same systems exist in your family, each person perceives them in his own way, a husband may look different in the eyes of his wife than in the eyes of his son. And all these views should create a coherent whole, regardless of whether family members are aware of it or not. In a dysfunctional family, the ideas of each person are not realized and they prefer to remain silent about them. In a harmonious family, everything is discussed, openly and honestly.

In dysfunctional families, when they get together, there is a feeling of disunity, discomfort.

When family members see the intricate web of connections on their map and realize how diverse family life is, they are greatly relieved. Now they understand that they simply cannot always be on top. Well, who is able to control all systems at the same time? If people recognize the individuality of each, then it becomes easier for them to live, since the need to constantly control each other disappears. Each family member can find their own way to fully participate in the life of the family, but it is important not to become a victim of low self-esteem, since in some families it is generally difficult to maintain their individuality. The larger the family, the more interacting systems, the more difficult it is to cooperate with each other. This does not mean that large families are always dysfunctional, but here a great burden falls on the shoulders of the parents, which means that the relationship between them becomes more complicated. In a family of 3 people there are 3 triangles, in a family of 4 people - twelve triangles, in a family of 5 people - 30 triangles, out of 10 people - 280 triangles. Plus + couples. And in one period of time you can hear only a certain number of chapters, no more, otherwise complete chaos arises in your head!

It often happens that family pressure becomes so strong that spouses cannot express themselves as a person and their relationship begins to deteriorate. At this point, many couples drop everything and go their separate ways. They did not feel like individuals in the family, stopped communicating with friends, did not take place as parents. And irritable adults cannot properly build a family.

It’s not that difficult to become good parents: you just need to have certain skills and share a marital relationship, even if the "can of worms" is full. If the spouses are capable of such changes, then the internal pressure inherent in each family is directed towards a creative channel.

Family ties bind all family members in such a way that everyone is dependent on each other. Any family member can be at the epicenter of these interactions. And the question is not how to avoid them, but how to treat them and how to live constructively in such conditions.

For example, if a husband comes home from work, everyone demands his attention, and you can tell yourself what position he is in, how he is torn between family members. But it is better not just to imagine this situation, but to conduct an experiment, defining each family member's role.

The husband stands in the middle of the room. Let the wife take him by the right hand, the eldest child by the left, the second in the front, and the third in the back. If there are more children, let them cling to the knees and so on, until each one clings to the head of the family. Now pull it slightly each towards you, slowly but firmly, so that everyone can feel the struggle that has begun. After a few seconds, he will feel torn apart, unhappy and tired. He may even think he is losing his balance. The feeling he has is when at the same time they want too much from him. He cannot remain in the same position for long. He needs to do something. He has to go through several options:

• The path of humility, until it loses all sensitivity at all;

· In a stupor, he will wait with indifference for a denouement. Finally, he will be left alone with the feeling that the Pope “doesn't care”;

· May use force to free herself, and some family members may be hit or jolted;

· May fall to the floor, confused and exhausted. Then the family will feel guilty for mistreating him;

· Liberation through bribery, that is, making various promises that may not be fulfilled, but now they will give him the opportunity to get out of a difficult situation. But at the same time, the whole family's distrust of him grows;

· Can call for help from others: his mother or father, neighbor or friend. And if it is a person who is skillful, strong, dexterous, then he will be saved;

· He must realize that he is very much needed by those who are trying to take possession of him and tell them how difficult it is to be in such a position and ask for help, but one must speak directly without any hints.

There are 3 ways to avoid this situation:

· Leave the family and become a hermit;

· So plan communication in the family, so that no one dares, approach without prior permission or agreement;

· Do not pay attention to anything and do not worry about anything.

But none of these methods are satisfying. And the one who uses them continues to complain about life. One should not avoid, but try to resolve such situations: talk to the rest of the family and ask them for help in this situation. And people always respond to a call for help.

There are always times when a person has to endure pain, struggle, feel tired, need help, there is nothing special here. All of these conditions become destructive when a person uses them to avoid dependence on others.

Place yourself at the center of family influences. How much pressure does each family member put on you? Try to feel this pressure and the torus, how you feel.

You can cope with family bonds through discussion, but it is equally important what happens next: the choice that a given person made always has certain consequences and primarily affects his reputation in the eyes of other family members.

If you imagine all the connections in the family in the form of ropes that are stretched from each family member to another, then you can easily see what will happen during their interaction.

Let's look at the lines of the family card that personify the relationship of love - care - duty - comfort that exist between people in the family. It is easy to see that it costs nothing to break this system. And to prevent this from happening, we must learn to recognize everyone's right to a better life.

If the ropes between husband and wife are pulled, the same happens with the ropes connecting the parents and each of the children.

But now the time has come when one of the family members decides to leave her. Let it be the marriage of one of the children. What happens to this person's connections? Do the parents give their rope ends to him and let him go? Or, having untied the rope, you still leave it to yourself as a memory of a small child. But now he is already an adult.

What does the former child do? After all, it is necessary that not only his parents let him go by untiing their ropes, but he must also let them go.

There is often a situation where major changes occur simultaneously with several family members. A "normal parent group crisis" occurs. Everything in the family is interconnected. And it is not so rare that a woman is pregnant with her third child, the first child has just gone to kindergarten, the second has barely begun to speak, and the father has recently returned home from military service.

Let the following changes occur in a certain family in a year:

An older child needs to choose an independent path (finished school)

The daughter has the first gentlemen

Mother is approaching menopause

· The father tries to reconsider the past dreams of youth.

As everyone goes through these deep but natural crises, conflicts and tensions in the family can increase. In such a situation, someone in the family can, for a while, sort of out of the spotlight. Everyone feels overwhelmed and for a time the family can become a group of strangers.

These events set the stage for misunderstandings and traps in the seed relationship.

And although all such situations reflect the need for individual development, other family members often perceive them differently.

There are stages that a family must go through as each family member grows. All of them are accompanied by crises and increased anxiety, and therefore a preparatory period and subsequent redistribution of forces are required.

1. Conception, pregnancy, childbirth;

2. The beginning of the child's mastering of human speech. Few know how serious preparation is needed in this case;

3. The child builds relationships with the external environment, most often this happens at school. Elements of another world, new for both the parents and the child, penetrate into the family. Teachers usually play the same role in parenting, and this also requires adaptation from the parents and the child;

4. The child enters adolescence;

5. The child becomes an adult and leaves home in search of independence and independence. This is often felt by the parents as a loss;

6. Young people get married, and the family includes daughters-in-law and sons-in-law;

7. There comes a climax in a woman's life;

8. Reduced sexual activity in men. This is not a physiological problem, but a psychological one;

9. Parents become grandparents;

10. One of the spouses dies, and then the other.

The family is the only social group that has adapted to a multitude of successive events in such a small living space and for such a short time. When 3 or 4 of these crises occur at the same time, then life really becomes stressful and more anxious than usual. But, if you understand what is happening in your family, you can calm down and relax a little, and after looking around, you can clearly imagine in which direction these changes should be made. You are mistaken if you consider these crises to be pathological; they are natural processes experienced by most people.

The understanding of family ties, a deeper understanding of the roles of each allows you to understand the causes of conflicts. The role played by each family member reflects only part of the relationship, and their nature is definitely limited.

Each family member should have a living space, he really needs it.

Each family member influences others and is himself influenced by others. This means that everyone takes part and contributes to what happens to other people, and accordingly can help him change.

Each family member can be at the center of influences from other family members, because everyone is part of a chain of relationships with each other. It is important not to avoid these influences, but to learn how to manage them.

Because the family develops all the time, then the new arises on the basis of the created. We find ourselves on top of what was built before, which means that you need to know the past well in order to understand the present.

Remember: each family member has at least 3 roles in family life.
Family engineering is not significantly different from any other type of engineering. At seven, as in an enterprise, certain conditions are required to do a certain job. In order to build something, you must first find out what resources you have, compare it with your needs and determine the best ways to achieve the desired result. After thinking everything through, you find out what you still lack, and look for what is missing. This process is called family engineering.

One of the many frequent complaints from family members is that they have too much work, too many responsibilities and very little time to complete them. To make the family burden not so heavy, it is necessary to look for more effective ways of doing household chores. Pay close attention to how you work around the house.

From time to time, the responsibilities of each family member require reassessment. This must be done more often, because a person is getting older, smarter and more experienced, and the established procedures become outdated and do not correspond to the real state of affairs.

Most people willingly help each other, but not under pressure or out of hand.

Children, even small ones, can actively participate in housework.

In some families, it is necessary to divide responsibilities into male and female. In fact, there are very few strictly segregated household responsibilities.

Thus, more often than not, many of the opportunities of family members remain unused. Children are considered “too young” and their abilities are never given the opportunity to manifest. As a result, the burden on some family members is very heavy, and children do not acquire the necessary skills in housekeeping. Children should be encouraged to help their parents. One of the few human experiences is the ability to be creative. And you will not be able to find out how talented your children are until you give them the opportunity to prove themselves in business. It is necessary to clearly think over the responsibilities of everyone, even the smallest family members.

Housework is perceived as something unpleasant, imposed, but it is very important and makes up the bulk of family affairs. People on whose shoulders it lies to perform it should be given special attention.

Sit down together and make a list of the things you need to do to create family comfort and well-being. The list should include absolutely everything (washing, ironing, cleaning, etc.). Now look at the list how those things are done. Perhaps you will discover something new for yourself. Maybe find out that not all things are done or some things are done in a hurry, it's bad that one person has too much workload, and the other is too little. If so, then it’s not scary that some of you feel left out or offended.

Now you need to think over a plan of action and choose the most suitable case for each individual person. This moment can be the most difficult. How to decide who, when and how should or can better fulfill this or that responsibility? You can use various methods:

1. Order. Parents use their power and authority to tell them what to do. "It should be done like this, that's all!" You should resort to it with great care. But if you still used it, try to control the situation, otherwise you will face discontent and a "riot on the ship."

3. Method of expediency.

All of these methods must be used taking into account the specific situation, time and state of affairs. But in any case, one must count on everyone to fulfill their promises. And this, in turn, will teach everyone to be responsible for their actions.

If you always use only one method, then family members are tied hand and foot. This leads to a familiar situation in which an overt or latent conflict is brewing.

Parents should be able to say “yes” or “no” firmly, but also from time to time ask what the child wants to do, and have special insight to feel the situation in which they should allow the child to decide everything for himself.

There are families where parents do not make any decisions on their own, leaving the choice for children. In other families, no one is in charge of anything. There are families where parental authority reigns supreme.

A varied and constant change of chores around the house makes homework not so boring and hard. Children should be rewarded for helping. The child's self-esteem will suffer if they often say, "This is bad, sloppy done."

Another difficulty is that a plan once conceived cannot remain in effect forever. Any plans need to be revised as are outdated. All plans must contain precise deadlines for their implementation.

While the child is small, he must often be taken in his arms, and as soon as he learns to walk on his own, it is necessary to promote his independence, he must learn to serve himself and help others. It is important to avoid distortions here. When a child starts to walk, he does everything slower than he would like. You are tempted to pick up your baby and carry it yourself.

Many children say that adults often force them to do dirty work. And they leave themselves a pleasant one. If so, then this situation must be changed as soon as possible. Your efforts will not be in vain. No matter how tedious the homework is, everyone can do it with pleasure if they approach the matter creatively and with humor. But it is unnecessary to demand that the person doing boring work looks happy and cheerful.

You need to show flexibility and imagination. It is necessary to go through a thorny path of trial and error, until everyone feels himself a worthy participant in a common cause. Each person needs to feel that he is needed, that he is respected, that there is his share in family well-being. A child who actively participates in the life of the family feels that his contribution is appreciated, that the adults around him are reckoned with, and those who need help should certainly turn to him.

Now we need to talk about "family time". We work, go to school, and do other things that take our family's time. How much time does each of you devote to your family? How long does it take for homework?

In some families, most of the time is spent on household chores and family members do not have time to enjoy each other. In this case, family members feel that the family is a place where they are pressured, loaded with work. In this case, family engineering requires a revision.

Look back over your household to-do list and ask yourself two questions. Is this work really necessary? If so, can such work be done efficiently? Maybe this work is not necessary, then it would be wiser not to do it at all.

This brings us to the issue of priorities. If almost all your attention is spent on homework, but communication is not enough, you need to decide what is more important to you?

You need to start with the most important thing. Choose the types of work that are vital to your family. Then, if time permits, you can do everything else. All cases are divided into two categories urgent and those that can be done later. If there are more than 5 cases in the urgent category, that's a lot.

How do you spend your family time? How long do you spend with each other? Do you enjoy this communication?

It is bad when communication does not bring joy. There are families where, even after doing all the things, its members rarely spend time together and look tired and indifferent in the eyes of each other.

Everyone has the right to be alone. But many complain that they do not have enough time for themselves, and if the mother wants to be alone, then in this case she feels guilty. It seems to her that in this case she takes something away from the family.

Family time can be divided into 3 parts:

1. Personal time when you can be alone.

2. Time to chat with each other.

3. Group time when the family gets together.

And it is very important that every family member can use every time slot on a daily basis. To do this, you need to want and think about how to do it. Due to the multitude of activities outside the family, we do not always manage to spend time to its benefit.

Sometimes the use of free time does not depend on a number of external circumstances: the nature of the work (24 hours of duty, 24 hours of rest). Such people should organize their own time in order to take proper part in the life of the family.

There are families where one of the parents is absent for a long time (business trips, tours).

The larger the family, the more difficult it is to distribute household responsibilities.

Let everyone follow where he is at a certain time during 2 days - weekday and weekend. Divide the piece of paper by the clock, starting from the moment the first family member gets up. Out of bed, and continuing until the latter goes to bed. Let everyone mark where he was at a given time. Then have a member of the family put together the findings and graphically present to others how much time each member of the family has to communicate.

It is very rare to find families where family members would get together for more than 20 minutes. But more often general meetings happen once a week. Misunderstandings are possible if one of the family members is not present at the family meeting, so he must be sure to inform everything. Everyone should be aware of family matters and thus we will save our loved ones from excuses like “I didn’t know”, and “You always decide to stand behind her.” If family members do not trust each other, then it is better to discuss all matters in the presence of everyone, at least until the atmosphere changes.

If not all family members attend general meetings and you have little time to communicate with each other, then you need to maintain contact through a third party. The only problem here is that most people forget that they only hear someone else's opinion, and accept it as fact. In this case, the game "broken phone" appears. Families often play this game. This happens when families do not use "group time" to discuss family issues. This is the most common type of communication in dysfunctional families. Nothing can replace your own perception of the events that you hear with your ears and see with your own eyes. The type of communication adopted in the family strongly influences family engineering. Group time does not guarantee family well-being. What do you do when you are going to a place? What are you talking about? Does your conversation consist mostly of rebuking others or giving directions on how to do the right thing? Is it time consuming to listen to the endless complaints of one of you? Or maybe there is silence on the council? Or don't you speak at all? Or fidgeting in your chairs, waiting for an opportunity to leave?

Maybe you use this time to get to know each other better, to understand what is happening now in everyone's life and how was everyone's day today? Maybe at this time a person rejoices and reflects, shares his failures, pain, grievances and the rest listen to him attentively? Do you talk about your new plans, problems, etc.

Some families understand that every day the family, as a group, goes through a process of breakdown and recovery. We break up and then we meet. When family members break up, they live their own lives. Gathering together at the end of the day, they get the opportunity to exchange impressions of what is happening in the "outside world" and take a fresh look at each other.

Basically, the whole life of a family consists of fragmentary contacts between family members. The connection between loved ones is lost. Alienation arises, as a result, they feel as if isolated from each other.

Family members in crisis are beginning to realize that although they live in the same house, there is no warm human relationship between them. It will be useful for everyone to get together once a day for friendly communication. Given our hectic life, such meetings should be scheduled. Do not let them go by themselves.

Family members live in a world of illusion rather than reality. This leads to misconceptions about what really happens in the family. Scheduling “attendance times” is the first step towards understanding what is fiction in your family and what is reality.

Another important aspect for the implementation of family engineering is the sense of time for each person. For example, when you are waiting for something, time passes slowly, when you are busy with something interesting, it flies quickly. Perception of real time does not always coincide with individual perception. The perception of time by each family member depends on the general atmosphere in the house. It is associated with the ability to organize your life. Time planning is the basis for keeping promises and intentions. Many people have conflicts if one of them is constantly late for an appointment. This often leads to the conclusion that he does not respect the other, does not always happen, is correct in his assessments. Although sometimes this is evidence that everyone perceives and plans time differently. Children are often caught for being late. Most families are trying to solve this issue by punishment, not clarification. Children do not know how to organize time; they learn this wisdom for a long time. Learning how to plan your time is challenging. Many adults have difficulty here, what to say about children.

We are constantly faced with a process of constant selection and planning of today's cases. How will we accomplish our most urgent matters? Can we take into account possible accidents? Or transport delays are inevitable? etc. We must have a very good idea of \u200b\u200bhow today's day will turn out if at 8 am we can confidently tell ourselves and others that at a certain time we will be at the appointed place.

If people understand how important it is to plan their time, then there will be more understanding and less conflict between them. As a rule, in most families, children have a rigid schedule that is difficult even for an adult.

A person's perception of time depends on the level of reflection, motives, knowledge and interests. These factors are individual for everyone. Getting to know how a person uses their time is an important aspect of any relationship - after all, 2 people cannot manage their time in the same way. If the regime of the day is taken as a desirable guide to action and takes it seriously, then we will get a little closer to solving the problem. You need to make every effort to plan your time. When all this is done, you can safely do your business. But if the plans cannot be implemented and you are unable to change the circumstances, then you should not blame yourself for what happened.

We do not always understand how powerful the clock is over our life. Instead of being our helpers, they often become our masters. Our attitude towards time affects the successful implementation of the tasks that we set for ourselves.

It rarely happens that 2 people at the same time would like the same thing. When people understand that they may be in different states at different times, they look for compromise options. Instead of resenting each other, they try to come to an agreement and come to some kind of agreement. It may not always express the interests and desires of everyone, but there is an opportunity to satisfy both parties in some way. The belief that the desires of 2 people do not roughly coincide can lead to emotional unpredictable explosions. It is impossible for two to feel the same at the same time. And if we demand from others that they want what we do, then there is a threat of serious conflicts. If we delve into what others want, tell about our desires and try to reach an agreement together, take into account the real situation of everyone, then as a result we will be lucky.

We often hear complaints that someone took our things and did not put them in place. It is important to be able to manage things and decide for yourself how and when others can use them. In this way, you will always feel that others are considering you. If a person has a properly developed sense of self-esteem, then he is not afraid to share his things with others. If the child does not have the right to privacy and possession of property, then conflicts arise in the family.

Family engineering aims to improve family life.

The main thread of all family engineering is an effective and accessible information system, created in an atmosphere of trust and humane treatment of each other.

To make all this clearer, you can start a "family thermometer". To do this, it is necessary to express in words those problems that are important for each of us, which we rarely discuss. You can call them "topics for discussion":

2. Negative manifestations (complaints, worries, worries, etc.). Grumblers accompany your complaints with specific suggestions on how and what to change so that life's discomfort disappears. Then ask others to help you make these changes.

3. Collective communication difficulties. Problems often arise because people misunderstand what is being said or what is happening. Everything must be understood correctly. Only then can you succeed.

4. New information coming from outside. It appears as a result of family members' communication with the outside world and among themselves.

5. Hopes and desires. It is not necessary to forbid, to tell yourself about your hopes and desires, fearing that they will not come true. People who love you can help you. Try to help them too when they share their dreams. There is little we can do alone.

There are 5 indicators on the "thermometer" that measures the temperature in our family (see above). Make a large "thermometer" with these 5 readings, in the room where your whole family gathers, and label the "temperature" readings.

Regular discussions of painful problems will strengthen trust, increase everyone's self-esteem, and help to get to know each other better. As a result, you will become closer to each other.

"We choose our friends ourselves, but we get our relatives." Relatives exist in our lives, regardless of whether we want it or not, forming part of a kindred clan. If you like them, then you treat them as close people and communication is a pleasure.

We often get to know them after we have heard someone else's opinion about them, often unflattering. Sometimes parents give direct instructions to children on how to behave with a particular family member. It can be understood that in this way they acquire a one-sided idea of \u200b\u200btheir relatives. The child sees them through the eyes of his parents, and this prevents him from developing a personal attitude towards them.

Relationships between relatives are very difficult to build. Sometimes they turn into a real war, other times, relatives simply avoid each other. Sometimes people try to convince everyone that they do not interfere with family relationships. Sometimes people not only do not respect the individual characteristics of adult family members, but also do not take into account that each of them has its own positive and negative qualities.

Husbands and wives make the same mistakes about their parents, calling them old. One has only to hang a label on a person, how easy it is to perceive him as a person. Such labels form the atmosphere that prevails in relations between relatives. A generational conflict exists between parents and grandparents, between parents and children. The conflict of generations is the circle of problems, in relation to which a single view has not yet been developed, mutual understanding has not been reached.

When spouses can establish equal relations with their parents, both of them will feel like full-fledged people. Everyone will see in the other a unique amazing personality. They will be able to respect the life of each family member, rejoice in each other's successes, and try to jointly overcome the difficulties that arise.

All roles: husband, wife, child, grandmother, grandfather, etc. Are not roles that all people play throughout life. In this case, 2 main points must be taken into account:

1. In what relationships does a person have with other people;

2. What he should do in accordance with the role assigned to him in the family.

Who meets 2 relatives when they meet? People or roles? Roles are unambiguously defined and stereotyped, but people are multifaceted and humane. While the difference is clear, in many cases roles and people get confused. There is a person behind every role who plays that role. Roles are like different clothes or hats worn depending on the weather.

When husband and wife are together they play the roles of husband and wife with each other, when they are with their children they play the role of parents, etc. But there are people who always play only one role: for example, the role of grandfather, and the roles of father-in-law, husband, etc. somehow fade into the background. Sometimes old people are called only "grandmother" "or" "grandfather" "forgetting that they have a name, that means they forget about them as a person, remembering only their role. There will be no respect and cooperation.

Any role is rather arbitrary. Why shouldn't a person be himself and do what he wants, no matter who he is: an aunt, an uncle, a cousin, a parent? First of all, he is human. There is no universal maternal, marital, style of behavior. To live always playing some role means to constantly destroy the personality in oneself. To live feeling like a person means to feel the fullness of being and be able to adapt to any situation.

Family members think they know each other well, but in such cases, people often turn out to be completely strangers to each other. What they take to be personality is actually role behavior.

To avoid this, family members should simply really get to know each other, see each other as their individuality. It is necessary from time to time, as it were, and quite consciously to look at each other. This is very difficult, because everyone is convinced that they know very well the people associated with them by blood or legal ties. It is not very customary to share your truly deep experiences with those you know well.

Family members become so familiar with one of their roles that it is difficult to understand where the role is and where the person is. Most of the problems between elders and minors are due to the fact that elders get used to the role of old people. They themselves and everyone around them forgot that they also have a heart and soul, that they still need love and care, that they also need to feel the meaning of life.

What we see the meaning of life, as well as dreams, determines our daily actions. Personal development continues until death. And if we directed our efforts to always be harmonious, full-fledged people, the problem of age would be solved.

Family traditions and rituals, like fixed roles, can also be a burden if treated like a heavy responsibility rather than a shared joy. They reflect the family's lifestyle. Some rituals exist to emphasize family affiliation with a particular clan. The ritual does not always provide for the not exemplary presence of all genera. But even in those families where everyone must be present, very big problems and troubles are possible. You can spoil the fun of Christmas if you need to be present at the same time with the parents of the husband and wife. When young couples find themselves in such situations, they get real stress: they feel pressure from both sides and at the same time want to spend the holiday in their own way. If they decide to act on their own, then they often expect trouble. But even this can be gradually settled, even if at first these changes are met with hostility.

Adults have many problems if they maintain a parent-child relationship with their own parents. They are difficult to change. A relationship of equality should develop between two generations, in which each family member respects, first of all, the personality of the other person and can always come to the rescue if needed. In this situation, it will be easier to raise your own children.

It happens differently: elderly parents ask to get rid of the dictates of adult children. And some children are surprised to learn that their parents do not want to follow their advice.

Many pitfalls are concealed by the perceived need to “brighten up the loneliness” of someone who, in our opinion, is alone. Feeling at home can turn into a burdensome responsibility. When you courageously sit out the time of the visit or advise something to do to a lonely person (it can be a mother or father, or some other relative), and then you are upset that he does not want to do anything. Many people do this and then pay for it with irritation and guilt in front of loved ones.

There is the problem of helping. Many weak and sick people need the support of their children. How can 2 people help each other or accept help and still feel on an equal footing. It happens that these attempts lead everyone into a hoop trap and end in extortion: “he has to help me, I'm so weak”, etc.

Such relationships can arise between people who have not yet gained independence and in communication with each other tend to lead each other, and not cooperate.

If you look at modern families, you can see hundreds of examples of blackmail and extortion, disguised as helplessness or willingness to help. Parents only feel comfortable when their children appreciate them, take care of them, love them, and do not clamp them into a vice with their attention. Children need the same.

Of course, at times people really need help. But more often it turns into a simple means of manipulation.

Change will take place, but not as quickly as you want. Not everyone can treat each other equally well. But many will be able to live and collaborate in new ways if everyone feels that no one wants to make you love what you don't like. In addition, the character may change from time to time.

It is very easy to transfer part of your own problems to another person, and then assure him of the correctness of your opinion, so that once again you yourself will assert yourself in him. Many family troubles arise from this.

Quite different problems arise when the older generation only takes on the role of helpers. If they do not want to do this, then cracks can begin. Sometimes adult children simply exploit their parents. In this case, the elders are forced to limit themselves only to the roles of grandparents.

There is nothing wrong with helping each other, but the decision about it should be made with one consent of both parties and with the opinion of the capabilities of each. A statement like, "You have to do this because you are my mom", the mutual agreement of assistance is replaced by violence and control. Children are the most common victims. Some family members blackmail each other under the guise of love and family relationships. For the same reason, grievances arise.

And close people, more important than anyone else. Therefore, family relationships play a huge, primary role in the mental development and well-being of each of its members.

Conventionally, psychologists divide families into prosperous and dysfunctional, constantly correcting themselves: each family has its own problems. To minimize problems, to change the state of things in your home, you need basic basic knowledge of family psychology and the desire to create a favorable environment in which everyone could develop along a path determined by nature, without interference and serious disorders, complexes, erroneous ideas about the world. about yourself and others.

1. Do not close your eyes to rudeness, put each other in place. And if this is not possible (we mean socially dangerous cases, for example, in the case of an alcoholic husband), keep communication with this family member to a minimum.
2. Learn to negotiate. By speaking the problem, we make it clear to the partner, child, parent that we are ready to discuss solutions, to come to a compromise. This is how respect for each other is manifested, without which a normal relationship in the family is impossible.
3. Encourage mutual help, responsiveness, the desire to spend joint leisure in all possible ways (you better know who loves what, what you can do for everyone - this information is worth using). It is especially important to observe this rule in order to build relationships between children in the family. If you have several of them, put the emphasis on the fact that they are brother and sister (brothers or sisters), that they will never be dearer and closer to them. Repeat this constantly, children are very receptive to the words of their parents. Over the years, you will see confirmation of this, your efforts and attention will not be wasted.
4. How you spend your leisure time, by the way, is very important. Separately? Okay, but you must have something in common, both spouses and parents and children. Walking to the park, pizzeria, shops, walking - all these important little things will unite you like never before.
5. Availability is also important. If there are none, it's time to come up with them. Traditions unite us, strengthen the union between husband and wife and bond with children (such a measure is especially important and relevant in relation to adolescents). A trip to grandparents, your own holiday, cooking your favorite dish together, decorating a New Year tree - it can be anything you want. If only the traditions were respected by everyone. Not respected, it's time to come up with others.
6. Family relationships are based primarily on roles and responsibilities assigned to you. The roles in your family are already established. Dad is a breadwinner or a spiritual leader. Mom is a housewife or business woman. But in the case of responsibilities, everything is more complicated. Everyone should work on comfort. Write down once, agree on who is responsible for what, and you will deprive the family of the most common reason for quarrels.
7. Maintain love: in your relationship with your spouse and children. She does not disappear anywhere, so as not to talk about it. If a family has respect, understanding and loyalty, there will be love. This means that your bonds cannot be broken by accidental circumstances and even troubles. You are together and you are strength. For this it is worth being attentive to each other! Never forget to take time to communicate with your child and partner, especially with your parents (they also need us, as we need them, no matter how much time has passed since our birth).

Family relationships require your constant participation, no matter what role you play in it. Don't take each other for granted and eternal. As soon as you allow such an attitude towards loved ones, the family will begin to crumble. Think about what you can do from this list for your family.

Many psychologists have dealt with the problem of family relationships, such as A. Ya. Varga, T.V. Andreeva, E.E. Maccoby, G.T. Khomentauskas, E.G. Yustitskis, E.G. Eidemiller et al.

There is an extensive literature in the field of psychology and pedagogy that examines the relationships and interactions between parents and children. The richness of the categories used to describe the parent-child system should be noted. So, different terms are used: "types of education", "style of education", "tactics of education", "parental positions", "parental attitudes", "parental relationships", etc.

On TV. Andreeva, all good and bad is laid in a person from the first days of his stay in this world. The introduction to life consists mainly of what the child imitates adults and what adults cultivate in him. Therefore, the influence of the personality of the parents, who are the first source of the necessary life experience for the child, is very great. .

Z. Mateychek believes that the development of a child and assistance to him cannot be separated from the realities of family life. The relationship between parents and children is always closely related to the nature of the relationship between the parents themselves, the lifestyle of the family, health, well-being, and its happiness. Most of all, the welfare of the child is promoted by a friendly atmosphere, and such a system of family relationships that gives a sense of security and at the same time stimulates and guides his development.

Types of family relationships. In every family a definite upbringing system is objectively formed. This means understanding the goals of upbringing, the formulation of its tasks, the purposeful application of methods and techniques of upbringing, taking into account what can and cannot be allowed in relation to the child. 4 tactics of upbringing in the family can be distinguished and 4 types of family relationships that correspond to them, which are both the prerequisite and the result of their occurrence: diktat, guardianship, "non-interference" and cooperation.

A.V. Petrovsky points out that diktat in the family is manifested in the systematic behavior of some family members (mainly adults), initiative and self-esteem among other family members. Parents can and should make demands on their child, based on the goals of upbringing, moral norms, specific situations in which it is necessary to make pedagogically and morally justified decisions. However, those of them who prefer order and violence to all kinds of influence are faced with the resistance of the child, who responds to pressure, coercion, threats with their countermeasures: hypocrisy, deception, outbursts of rudeness, and sometimes outright hatred. But even if the resistance turns out to be broken, along with it many valuable personality traits are broken: independence, self-esteem, initiative, faith in oneself and in one's own capabilities. The reckless authoritarianism of parents, ignoring the interests and opinions of the child, systematic deprivation of his right to vote when solving issues related to him - all this is a guarantee of serious failures in the formation of his personality.

According to L.E. Kovaleva, custody in the family is a system of relationships where parents, ensuring with their work the satisfaction of all the needs of the child, protect him from any worries, efforts and difficulties, taking them upon themselves. The question of the active formation of personality fades into the background. At the center of educational influences is another problem - meeting the needs of the child and protecting him from difficulties. Parents are blocking the process of seriously preparing their children to face reality outside their home. It is these children who turn out to be more unadapted to life in a team. According to psychological observations, it is this category of adolescents that gives the greatest number of breakdowns in adolescence. It is these children who, it would seem, have nothing to complain about, are beginning to rebel against excessive parental care. If diktat presupposes violence, an order, and tough authoritarianism, then guardianship means care, protection from difficulties. However, the result is largely the same: children lack independence, initiative, they are somehow excluded from solving issues that personally concern them, and even more so the general problems of the family.

The system of interpersonal relations in the family, based on the recognition of the possibility and even expediency of the independent existence of adults from children, can be generated by the tactics of "non-interference". At the same time A.V. Petrovsky suggests that two worlds can coexist: adults and children, and neither one nor the other should cross the line outlined in this way. Most often, this type of relationship is based on the passivity of parents as educators.

Collaboration as a type of family relationship presupposes the mediation of interpersonal relationships in the family by the common goals and objectives of joint activity, its organization and high moral values. It is in this situation that the child's egoistic individualism is overcome. The family, where the leading type of relationship is cooperation, acquires a special quality, becomes a group of a high level of development - a team.

S.V. Kovalev notes that the style of relationships very significantly determines their emotional tone. If we imagine it in the form of a certain scale, then parental love will be located at one pole - very close, warm and benevolent relationships, and on the other - distant, cold and hostile ones. Many studies have shown that parental love is necessary for the self-esteem of a growing child, his good relationships with other people, and a positive image of himself. The absence of it leads to nervous and mental disorders, causes hostility and aggressiveness towards other people. The style of relationships is also realized in the means of education: attention and encouragement - in the first case, and severity and punishment - in the second. The emotional tone and the prevailing means of upbringing are also manifested in the type of family control and discipline, where, again, on one pole is the orientation of parents towards activity, independence and initiative, on the other - dependence, passivity and blind obedience.

According to S.V. Kovalev, the style of relationships between adults and children turns out to be not just a means of maintaining contact with them, but also a unique, but very effective method of education - education by relationships. This happens mainly because it is in communication with adults that the teenager most of all learns (more precisely, consolidates) all his future models of behavior, including the style of relationships with people.

Varga A.Ya. offers the following typology of parenting:

- "little loser." An adult considers a child to be a small loser and treats him as an unintelligent "creature." The interests, hobbies, thoughts and feelings of a child seem frivolous to an adult, and he ignores them;

Symbiotic parenting. An adult does not establish a psychological distance between himself and the child, he always tries to be closer to him, to satisfy his basic rational needs, to protect him from trouble;

Symbiotic-authoritarian parenting attitude. The adult behaves too authoritarian in relation to the child, demanding from him unconditional obedience and setting him a strict disciplinary framework. He imposes his will on the child in almost everything.

The nature of family relationships determines the style of family education. By integrating the opinions of different authors and trying to collect the most significant, the following styles can be distinguished:

1. Harmonious style. It is based on love, responsibility, attention, in which the methods of encouragement and pedagogically justified punishment are intelligently combined, the developmental care of the elders for the younger ones is manifested and parental authority is revered. Signs of a harmonious family:

All family members know how to kindly and sincerely communicate with each other, listen and trust, provide support to each other;

Have appropriate responsibilities, share responsibility for the state of affairs in the family;

Learn to respect other people, accept them for who they are;

They adhere to a common system of values, they know their rights and responsibilities;

They keep and honor family traditions, children know about the life of their kind, respect their elders and always come to their aid;

They value a sense of humor, have a positive attitude towards life;

The family is treated as a “place of psychological relief”, conditions for personal growth and intellectual development have been created in it;

2. Liberal style. He is characterized by warm parental relationships and an insufficient level of control, often turning into permissiveness;

4. Permissive style. It is expressed in leaving the child to himself, which often results in manifestations of negative behavior, delinquency, excessive and sometimes unacceptable entertainment, poor academic performance, etc.

Eidemiller E.G. and Yustitskis V.V. identified the following deviations in family parenting styles:

conniving hyperprotection. The teenager is in the center of attention of the family, which strives for the maximum satisfaction of his needs. This type of upbringing contributes to the development of demonstrative (hysteroid) and hyperthymic character traits in adolescents;

dominant hyperprotection. The teenager is in the center of attention of parents, who give him a lot of energy and time, depriving him of independence, putting numerous restrictions and prohibitions. Such upbringing enhances the reaction of emancipation and causes acute affective reactions of the extrapunitive type;

emotional rejection. In the extreme, this is Cinderella-type upbringing. Forms and enhances the features of inert-impulsive (epileptoid) character accentuation and epileptic psychopathy, leads to decompensation and the formation of neurotic disorders in adolescents with emotionally labile, sensitive, astheno-neurotic character accentuations;

hypoprotection. The teenager is left to himself, the parents are not interested in him, do not control him. Such upbringing is especially not favorable with accentuations of hyperthymic, unstable and conformal types;

increased moral responsibility. This type of upbringing is characterized by a combination of high demands on the adolescent with a lack of attention to him on the part of the parents, and less concern for him. Stimulates the development of traits of anxious-suspicious (psychasthenic) character accentuation.

According to V.V. Checheta, family upbringing is one of the most ancient forms of socialization and upbringing of children, organically combining the objective influence of culture, traditions, customs, mores of the people, family and living conditions and the interaction of parents with children, in the process of which the full development and formation of their personality takes place.

Characterizing the specifics of family education, V.V. Chet emphasizes the importance of natural warmth, love and cordiality in family communication and relationships, which serves as a powerful foundation for the moral and emotional education of children, especially in difficult, fractured social conditions, when contradictions are aggravated and when children, due to inexperience in life, are not able to do the right choice between the common human qualities of humanistic morality and anti-human manifestations.

Comparison of the characteristics of family relationships, parental behavior and the parental credo formed in relation to the child will help to clarify a lot in the functioning of a particular family, especially since on this basis the child's internal position is formed in assessing the attitude of the parents towards him. Systematization for this position is presented by G.T. Khomentauskas. Types and educational value of the child's internal position in parent-child relationships:

"I am needed and loved, and I love you too." Features of the type of family education: emotional acceptance, cooperation and cooperation; mutual respect and democratic communication style; authoritarian type of upbringing. Features of the child's personal development: trust in people and willingness to cooperate; high self-esteem and self-acceptance; social competence; secure attachment;

"I am needed and loved, and you exist for me." Features of the type of family upbringing: upbringing of a family idol; conniving hyperprotection; the cult of the child and his desires. Features of the child's personal development: emotional and personal egocentrism; inadequately overestimated self-esteem and distortion of the self-concept; low social and communicative competence; the affect of inadequacy; ambivalent attachment;

"I am not loved, but with all my heart I strive to get closer to you." Features of the type of family education: low emotional acceptance of the child, ambivalence, overt or covert rejection; education in conditions of increased demands and moral responsibility; dominant hyperprotection; the phenomenon of delegation and perfectionism. Features of the child's personal development: low self-esteem and self-activity; distortion of the development of the self-concept; feelings of guilt and inferiority; anxiety and frustration; perfectionism; comfortism; emotional dependence; anxious avoidant or ambivalent attachment type;

"I am neither needed nor loved, leave me alone." Features of the type of family education: ambivalence of acceptance, overt or covert rejection; hypoprotection, neglect; dominant overprotection, severity of sanctions and harsh treatment; authoritarian-directive communication style; aloofness of parents. Features of personal development: anxious types of attachment (ambivalent and avoidant); low self-acceptance and self-esteem; aggressiveness and hostility; high anxiety; frustration of the need for love and care; lack of basic trust in the world.

It is noted that overly strict or even despotic upbringing develops in children such character traits as insecurity, shyness, fearfulness, dependence, less often excitability and aggressiveness. Conflict relationships in the family also have a negative impact on the development of the child's personality. In all cases of improper upbringing, the child's social adaptation is disturbed.

According to A.E. Lichko, the most important sociopsychological factor is the situation of family interpersonal interaction. An adult can become an object of individual imitation if he occupies a high status position in the eyes of a teenager.

According to A.V. Bolbachan, adolescents strive not so much to become independent as to prove their independence to adults; the biggest offense for them is when they are perceived as small children, without respect; In reality, adulthood and independence are just being formed, they are not yet there, which is why communication between adults and adolescents is full of difficulties and misunderstandings. All efforts of adolescents are aimed at building a new type of relationship with an adult - “adult adult”.

Thus, in conclusion, we can conclude that each family has its own specific type of relationship, which affects the formation and development of the personality of a teenager. Depending on what kind of relationship develops in the family, on this basis, the child's internal position is formed in assessing the attitude of the parents towards him. The ability to empathize and sympathy is one of the main conditions for the development of a comfortable state in interaction. Lack of informal communication with an adult, lack of goodwill, sympathy, positive emotional contacts and much more can be the reason for the disruption of the relationship between the teenager and the parents.

The theoretical provisions we have studied in two chapters give a complete understanding of the concept of the relationship between adolescents and parents. Practical research is needed to explore further.

Popular wisdom roams the network: a family is a small country in which PAPA is the president, MAMA is the minister of finance, the minister of health, the minister of culture and family emergencies. CHILDREN are the people who constantly demand something, resent it and go on strike. As they say, there is some truth in every joke. Is this formula of family relationships really suitable for most people, or is it not as generalizing as it seems to us? And what is the standard of family relationships in this case?

They say that each of the happy families is unhappy in its own way. Indeed, it is true that there are some characteristics of family relationships, thanks to which, we feel calm and harmonious among our loved ones. However, it may be different. There are times when people who are called to become the closest become the causes of constant stress and dissatisfaction with life.

Various characteristics of family relationships, both between spouses and between parents and children, do indeed exist. Having understood the mechanism of their action and having figured out what kind of relationship a particular problem family is in, you can try to find a way out and eliminate the problem.

Characteristics of family relationships

What are the characteristics of family relationships?

Let's highlight 7 main types and consider each of the characteristics separately:

Traditional family

This is the ideal type of relationship. It is quite harmonious and its main characteristic is stability. Love, respect and mutual understanding reign here. The spouses have a common outlook on life. This is not to say that in such families there are no disagreements, however, all roughnesses and corners here are smoothed out calmly and to mutual pleasure. Such a well-coordinated relationship between husband and wife is the result of their deep respect and care for each other. Such families are most often durable and there are many reasons for this. The main one is a positive example of a family in which future spouses grew up. As statistics show, a child who grew up in a full-fledged family, where love and consent prevails, subconsciously projects such relationships into his future family.

Naturally, the majority wanted the characteristics of relationships in their families to be exactly as described above. However, not everyone succeeds in this. Unfortunately, the traditional family, as a pure form of relationship, is becoming less and less common.

Parent-child

When one of the spouses, husband or wife, is usually much older than his partner. Moreover, the age interval between husband and wife can wash very differently from seven to twenty or more years. One of the spouses builds his behavior from the position of a child, irresponsible and capricious, and the other spoils him, takes care of, cares, but also controls, educates, making all kinds of comments. One of the couple in the role of "adult" assumes all responsibilities for solving most of everyday problems, from financial security to any organizational issues.

As a rule, such a characteristic of the relationship is inherent in very young wives and their wealthy husbands of mature age, or, in the case when weak, infantile and dependent youths enter into an alliance with more mature dominant women who are accustomed to "carry everything on themselves."

Such a relationship can last without a cloud for quite some time. This idyll will be destroyed only when the spouse - the "child" begins to "grow up". He will gradually become a burden to excessive custody and constant control. The dominant partner will only cause irritation. Which will lead to the collapse of such a relationship.

Classical tyranny

In families of this type, there is only one person - a strong and powerful spouse - a tyrant. The interests and needs of the rest of the family members are not taken into account, the boundaries of their personalities seem to be blurred, obeying the demands of the tyrant-dictator.

The dominant spouse will control every step of any family member, telling the family how to behave, what to do, how to plan their day. The tyrant methodically and not without pleasure points out to others their shortcomings. He alone manages the family budget, telling his other half how to make money.

In such families, assault is quite common. Not everyone can feel comfortable for a long time with such a family structure. Classical tyranny normally can exist only at the initial stage of mutual love and how long this type of relationship will last depends on a large number of factors.

Relationship - "addiction addiction"

They occur when there are alcoholics, drug addicts, gambling addicts and other dependent categories of people in the family. In this case, the dependent person subjugates all members of his family, completely not thinking about their needs and desires. The codependents in this family are only concerned with solving the addict's problems. Trying with their last strength to pull him out of the abyss, to save him from a pernicious passion, they unconsciously completely deprive themselves of a normal life, sacrifice their well-being.

In such families, assault can also occur, up to a tragic ending. The family in such cases can survive only when the addicted person has a serious reason to conquer his passion once and for all. Happy resolution of such stories is rare. Usually, families collapse when the codependent spouse's patience comes to an end.

"Everyone on his own" or a disunited family

Such families sometimes seem very prosperous to an outsider's eye. The boundaries between the spouses are very clearly defined. Each of them, in fact, lives his own separate life, independent of the partner, without encroaching on the interests and freedom of the other. Most often, this is the notorious "civil marriage" or guest marriage, where one partner, rather a woman, considers himself married, and the other, a man, considers himself free. Less often - the opposite. Husband and wife can live separately from each other, in different cities, even in different countries.

Such families can exist for quite a long time, but this relationship comes to an end. There are many reasons for the breakup. Most often, there is a change in the outlook of one of the partners and on his part, the characteristics of their so-called "marriage" change. Of course, this partner will try to persuade his half to reconsider their beliefs and look at their family through the prism of his new values. However, this is not always accompanied by family preservation.

Friendship (brother-sister)

It sounds promising, however, such families are no less often than others doomed to break up. It would seem that a husband and wife have excellent mutual respect, common interests, some kind of common work or a goal towards which they go. They are quite capable of understanding each other without words. But, brotherly-sisterly relations exclude mutual attraction, carnal passion between partners. There is no place for sex. Therefore, the collapse in such a family often occurs when one of the spouses finds a person who causes a storm of emotions in him, a sexual desire that the current partner was not able to cause.

Relationship "Fireworks"

Here both spouses are quite emotional personalities and are not devoid of artistic abilities. Husband and wife are in constant competition with each other. This family is a volcano or Italian la famiglia. In this relationship, no one wants to give in. As Svyatoslav Vakarchuk sings: - I will not give up without a fight! Here all problems and misunderstandings are resolved through high-profile scandals. You will not surprise them with stormy showdowns of relations. Any "scenes at the fountain" here become the property of neighbors and are brought to their strict and not always objective judgment.

However, after a violent quarrel, the same eccentric reconciliation ensues. The husband and wife received a good emotional release, as they say, they yelled, throwing out their negativity. And now, as if nothing had happened, they are ready to live on for themselves, until a new quarrel, which will not be long in coming. The most interesting thing is that each of the partners considers his family to be quite prosperous and does not complain about the bitter fate.

How long can such a family exist? Yes, quite a long time. Both spouses, as it were, feed each other with their emotions and live quite harmoniously, as it seems to them, however, here it is worth asking the opinions of their neighbors, who are not just anyone: spectators, arbitrators, a lightning rod and an ambulance combined. Aren't these unfortunate hardy people who are forced to endure all this fireworks of emotions tired? And will they one day not want to get involved in these stormy showdowns of the relationship, saving one of the spouses from the other, letting them either reconcile themselves, or kill each other, so that the long-awaited silence in their house would finally come?

Types of relationships and their impact on children

Each of the characteristics of family relationships, naturally, leaves its mark on the mental - mental, moral and mental development of a child who grows and develops in families with the above classification.

In families with any disharmonious signs, it is highly likely that these features of your relationship will seriously harm the psycho-emotional and moral development of your child. His already fragile child's psyche will be distorted under the influence of unhealthy relationships in the family, often suffering irreparable consequences and causing serious mental trauma to your child.

So a child who grew up in a tyrant's family may develop a tendency to sadism, mental disorders of various classification. While, in a traditional family, where the relationship is close to ideal, as a rule, a calm, balanced child with a normal self-esteem will grow up, who will subsequently develop into a successful self-sufficient personality.

The dependence of characters on the environment of education

Among the factors influencing the viability of the family and its prosperous existence, there are: the level of education, education of partners, inculcated life guidelines, moral convictions and principles, that is, those characteristics that a husband and wife receive from their parents, who are an example for them. The ability of the family to move in one direction, to constructively resolve conflict situations, to its harmonious existence and development depends on whether all the above conditions coincide.

As a rule, almost none of the types of family relationships described above are found in nature in crystal clear form. So brother-sister relationships are often mixed with the characteristics of the traditional family, and codependent relationships, it is found that in the appendage they are poisoned by manifestations of tyranny. This naturally complicates the task of the psychologist, who has to solve the problem of correcting the relationship of a single family. It complicates but does not make it impossible. Therefore, for the sake of a harmonious and comfortable existence of your relationship, you can and should contact a competent specialist. As they say, the road will be mastered by the walking one. Therefore, having recognized in your family union the warning signs of disharmony, try to give up all your strength in order to bring your relationship to the level of happy. Yes, this is not an easy matter, but the game is worth the candle.