The most difficult years of family life. Ways outputs from the family crisis of relationships. What is a modern marriage and what is his role

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Writer Robert Stevenson once said: "Marriage is a long conversation interrupted by disputes." Sooner or later, each pair faces a crisis in relationships, and it is absolutely inevitable. The good news is that, coping with him, spouses go to a new level of relationship and find new ways to be happy together.

websitei am convinced that the marriage crises are not necessary: \u200b\u200bthis is an indication that relations are developing. The main thing is not to lower your hands and look for ways to overcome difficulties. After all, once you promised this person to be together "and in joy, and in the mountain" - it's time to prove that it was not empty words. So, get acquainted with the list of the most difficult crisis relations to be fully armed.

1 year of marriage. "Stage of awareness"

Shooting singer Pink itself made an offer to her boyfriend. True, in a year they broke up ... and then they came together again! Now the couple raises 2 children.

Family psychotherapist Rita Demaria calls this crisis "Awareness Stage". It usually occurs after 6-12 months of coaching. The first charm of love subsides, and you begin to see a partner in real light: with all its weaknesses and not always with pleasant habits (which before that you are gladly ignored). "It's time to learn to work together," says Rita Demaria.

What to do? "If you have not discussed the most important topics before marriage, such as finance, children, relatives visits, free time, etc., it's time to do it now," the psychologist Beverly Hyman advises. It is worth honestly to tell each other about your values \u200b\u200band priorities. It is likely that they do not coincide all the items, and then it is necessary to search for a compromise. At this stage it is very important to achieve solid agreements in the most "hot" issues.

3-4 years of marriage. Dangerous "Comfort Zone"

Marriage Madonna and Sean Penn lasted only 3 years, but in his interviews the stars say that they still love each other. Maybe hurried with a divorce?

A study of 2,000 married British couples showed that after 3 years 6 months, the spouses begin to pay less attention to each other, more often to prefer sex and less often recognize each other in love. The pair is included in the "comfort zone": on the one hand, this is a wonderful sense of safety and relaxation, on the other hand, such an unpleasant things appear like an uncomplicated door to the toilet and untidy homemade clothing. Although 82% of the surveyed married couples said they were satisfied with their marriage, 49% wished their partner to be "more romantic."

What to do? Salvation is to keep light. Speak compliments often, praise each other. It is not always worth telling a partner all that you think about him. Sometimes better silent. If you feel that there are problems, start the conversation gently, without charges. And, most importantly, look inside yourself, the family psychotherapist John Gottman advises. Growth in marriage occurs when each person will look at himself from the side and will understand which contribution it contributes (or does not contribute) to the relationship.

5-7 years of marriage. "Seven-year-old itch"

The star of the series "Friends" David Schvimmer and his wife Zone Bakman after 7 years marriage announced a break in relationships. Fans hoped that this is only a temporary solution.

In Western psychology, there is even such a thing as "seven-year-old itching." This one of the most critical periods in marriage. By this time, in a pair, there is already an established life, established relationships and spouses mainly interact as it were on the "autopilot", which is a big mistake, reminds Beverly Hyman. Due to routine, sexual attraction is reduced to each other. It seems that you already know everything about each other. Further prospects for marriage foggy. Sometimes couples make a decision to start the first (or second) child to "save" marriage, but it is worth remembering that the child is a separate personality, and not a rescue.

What to do?Family psychotherapist Robert Taibby offers the following:

1. Support open communication. Less formal "Well, how was the day?" - "Normal", more emotions and sincerity.
2. Decide the problems immediately as they arrive, do not "notice them under the carpet", where they will be copied more and more.
3. Listen to yourself. Periodically evaluate your condition, update the list of needs and the vision of the future. Share these thoughts with your partner.
4. Discuss the prospects for your pair. What are your plans next year, 5, 10 years old? Again, the key here is open and honest, and not polite and vague.

10-15 years of marriage. "A difficult age

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green almost divorced when their novel knocked 11 years old. But the couple still found the strength to reconcile. Now they have already 3 children.

What to do?Do not give away from each other. Search for new meanings of the existence of yourself as a couple. If the spouses have shouted for a long time from married problems while they raised children, now, when they stayed together, conflicts only exacerbate. But it will be time to solve them. This is a great opportunity to reconstruct marriage. This writes Beverly Hyman. Coach Steve Sybold recommends not to launch himself, engage in sports, as well as create new goals for a couple: travel, opening a business, language courses - something that will experience a new unforgettable experience.

Psychologist, family expert Mort Themer believes that generally accepted recommendations on the salvation of marriage, for example, to share their feelings with a partner "and" to visit a psychologist "together," do not always work, because they do not explain what exactly it is necessary do, to overcome the crisis.

1. Save your marriage even alone. It is usually considered that marriage can be saved only when both partners are ready to work on problems. "Even the efforts of one person can change the dynamics of marriage, and very often it is these efforts to motivate the stubborn spouse to join the process of preserving relations," said Mort the Eventor.

2. Do not ask yourself the wrong questions.Do not ask yourself: "Do I chose a person to my husband / wife?" The key to success in marriage does not find the right person, but learn to love the one you have found. Because love is not good luck. This is a choice.

3. Sluts give you, and do not help get close to it.The separation, which allegedly "refreshes" feelings, in marriage (especially during the crisis) can only give you apart from each other, but your goal is to get closer again.

4. Less conversations about problems.Talk about problems in marriage do not solve them, but only aggravate. This leads to disputes and ill-advantage. Talk about the problem does not mean it to decide. Speak little, do a lot. Look for real ways to solve difficulties.

5. Do not think that the psychotherapist will give you ready-made answers.Psychotherapy sessions help spouses to express and understand the point of view of the other, but do not answer the question of what you need doTo save marriage. As a result, some couples remain extremely disappointed psychotherapy.

6. Do not tell relatives and friends about the crisis of marriage.
"One of the most important values \u200b\u200bin marriage is confidentiality, so talking about your marriage or a spouse with family or friends is a mistake. This is a violation of the confidentiality of your spouse, and it is incorrect, "Mort said.

Each family pair occurs moments when the relationship is approaching their collapse. This is called the crisis of family relationships, and if they are not able to survive that the Union comes to its completion. And not only those who cooled to each other are parting, but also loving her husband and wife. And it is very sad. After all, everything that has to be done is to gain patience, wisdom and prepare in advance for crisis moments in living together. To reduce the number of divorces, psychologists recommend familiar with the reasons and manifestations of crises in relations by year.

Main types of family crises

It is important to understand that there are various problematic situations in which it also needs to be understood.

• Economic - in the family there is a problem with the budget. Husband earns badly, a large number of costs, it is not possible to carry a normal economy, buy clothes, food.

In this case, it is absolutely impossible to be confused with the desire of one of the halves or both spending money on extra clothes and too expensive food. As they say, "the legs stretches along the clothes!". Of course, it is impossible to say that the family should survive for a penny.

• Moral, spiritual. Here, too, may have the influence of funds, as well as psychological problems. Husband and wife got along to each other, or one of them no longer experiences that love and attraction to the second half that before.

But what type would not be accumulated family troubles, in each case it is necessary to understand carefully and be ready for them.

Crisis in marriage

Science Psychology is exploring the issue of relationships between people. The crises of relations in the family are one of the most important sections. If a specialist will not take professional skills and measures, then the number of unions of unions will strive for a high mark. Moreover, in recent years, the problem has gained a large-scale nature. If in former times about divorces in our country wrote on the latest page of the newspaper, and it was news from a series of outgoing, then today these statistics are simply terrified. Of the 10 marriage prisoners, the third collapses in the first months of life, the second third for the first few years. Plus - for 10 years of living together the Union of several more percent decays. And what as a result?

Opinion expert

Anna Zvyagintseva

Doctor psychologist

The family attitude was superficial, some do not even hide what married or marrying, they will continue to look close to each other. That is, people already understand that it is possible to partition and are not configured for a long lucky joint life.

According to the statements of psychologists, there are two main types of problems - development crisis and situational.

• The first can be observed throughout the whole life. After all, marriage is the birth of children, their marriage, marriage, physiological changes in the body, aging, etc. Translated to a simple language - people cease to understand each other, facing changes, lose harmony and interconnection. The moment occurs when the forces and patience are dried, and do not want to work on relationships. And here it should be noted - such moments are found in all families without exception.
• The second is a situational crisis. He accompanies from the moment of marriage, then the period of finding a common language comes, establishing contact with Visavi. The process is influenced by factors such as the birth of children, their growing, parting with loved ones.

Stages of family life

Family is a living organism. It occurs cyclicality, there are stages such as birth, development, consultation and fading. The transition from the state to a state necessarily leads to some failures, disorders. It is like a human body. When the turning points occur, misunderstanding arises, the desire to break the relationship, not to listen to anyone, to deny criticism, to go. And what makes adult wise people do - belong to everything with understanding. The same thing is in marriage - to prepare and look at the situation from the point of view of the wise person. Yes, there will be fears, panic, a sense of confusion. Not trouble, on the contrary, this is normal! The main thing is to take yourself in hand and resist the tests of fate.

Did you have a relationship crisis in your family?

Yes unfortunatelyNo, and I hope there will be no

Main problem moments

Immediately should make a reservation - problem situations may occur both often and occasionally. It all depends on the temperament and the nature of the spouses. Therefore, it is necessary to study in the crisis of relations periods noted by almost all family psychologists.

Relationship crisis - 1 year

Fucked up a loud and rich wedding. It would seem to live yes to live. But no, newlyweds after a few weeks of selfless rest in bed and wedding travel are beginning to quarrel. And on trifles. The reasons are banal and well-known - "Your mother advises too much, and yours is climbing!" The young husband is still a thing of the matter to her friends, wants to visit the nightclub habit, she continues to chat on mobile, etc. In short, everything is old as a world!

What to do

Sit and talk about what a family crisis is how to establish relationships. No need to swear for each occasion. If there is a desire to go to relax in the bar - go together. But visits to entertainment institutions need to be reduced to a minimum. Believe me, frequent entertainment to good will not bring. After all, marriage is not only a pleasure, but the obligation, this second half always be and everywhere together, with any situations. And the gatherings with friends are more than two, isn't it?

• To mature! Fun behind, now you need to treat everything seriously. Joint Life is a joint economy.
• Work! No family will endure a couple of years if both halves will not work on their character and strengthening ties.

Crisis 3 years in relationships

As a rule, after the wedding celebration, young see each other only positive qualities. "She has a beauty, he is my hero," etc. But with the passage of the Time of Pelon with the eye, the first moments of misunderstanding arise. Young begin to conflict, because problems have accumulated, non-claims. In addition, the firstborn is born in most families. And these are worries, diapers, night feeding, lack of sleep. In short, the nerves are breeding. In addition, the holidays are less and less, more and more bustle, Routine monotony. This is the most dangerous crisis in relations by year in marriage, in which most divorces occur!

What to do

The main thing is to understand that family bonds are two people and any self-egoism, the egocentricism of speech should not go! It is necessary to clearly follow the recommendations of psychologists and couples who marked silver, gold, or even a diamond wedding.

1. Clearly distribute and fulfill their obligations - the husband of the breadwinner, on the spouse of the comfort in the house.
2. Caring for the child must come from both parents, the spouse needs to help the young mammy take care of the baby.
3. Together to plan rest, solve family problems, design budget.
4. Do not listen to outsiders, especially friends. It is important to learn to hear each other.

Opinion expert

Anna Zvyagintseva

Doctor psychologist

The spouses should also have joint interests, to implement which will also have to two that only strengthens the Union.

Relationship crisis - 5 years

Romantic impulses ended, allover eclipsed by life and chase for the provision of family, routine. The spouse no longer need to be near the baby, she has no desire to constantly please her husband, everything is done on the machine. Food is preparing on duty, the house is cleaned, the spouse on the parish home does not seek faster to smack her beloved in the cheek. In addition, she decided to go to work and it outraged.

What to do

Stop and think about whether it is necessary to break the relationship only because of the fact that the person wants to realize himself in the labor field. And why the coldness came in a relationship where romance is looking for the reason in his laziness and "boring". Remember youth and make bright colors in the relationship, change the monotonous time and prepare a surprise. If it does not help - listen to the advice of specialists and expand your circle of communication, make new acquaintances, fond of new hobbies.

Important: You do not need to call conversations from family problems if they lead to even greater aggression. Release the situation, let all the idea of \u200b\u200byour guy. All of the above applies to him and to it!

Crisis of 7 years of relationship

It seems to be everything - the apartment, the children grow, everyone has its own part of labor, as a clock. What else do you need, why do troublevas arise? Basically because of the defaults of the beautiful half. There are no old caress, the spouse pays little attention to family issues. Yes, if a man is trying, then women do not really answer them to gust, which becomes the reason for the change, the spouse begins to look at extraneous beauties. During this period, it is most often novels on the "side" and in the threat of exposure, they are with ease of ease.

What to do

Remember whether we are people, and not creatures acting on instinct. Perhaps the woman is fairly unhappy with the situation. A man needs to show no single signs, but to include fantasy. The ladies do not stop watching themselves, remove the home bathrobe, make a hairstyle, if necessary - to lose weight. That is, continue to attract the spouse, because men love their eyes!

Strong Union is also a holiday from each other. If the spouse wants to spend time with friends - let go. He must communicate, change the atmosphere. The same applies to wives - girlfriends with girlfriends, visiting the beauty salon, clubs will only embellish monotony. And at the moments of the connection, it is necessary to show maximum feelings and give to understand the second half - love did not fade, you just need to add a little longer.

Relationship crisis - 10 years

Considerable age for family relationships. Husband wife seemingly survived a lot together. And then such an annoyance - started, conflicts and is about to come a divorce. This period also refers to very dangerous. The reason can be various factors:

• middle age crisis;
• puberta child (children), etc.

That is, there are a lot of problems in a psychological, and even physiological nature on the family. Children arise their own interests, they do not want to listen to their parents. Those, in turn, conflict because of this.

Important! In addition, men begin to think about the meaning of life, they are experiencing that half have passed, and they did not have time yet. Everything sees in dark colors, it seems that the end of the black period will not be.

What to do

Here you need to stop and look back. Are all those moments of happiness and joy are not worth being bolder, harder and together to survive troubles. Is it worth allowing problems to take over your desires, hopes and even ambitions. Doesn't it seem to be too expensive for the farewell? All that is required is to recall that life alone and not everyone led to appear on this light. It is necessary every day, step by step to approach complete harmony, taking the hands of a loved one.

Opinion expert

Anna Zvyagintseva

Doctor psychologist

As for children, parents are obliged to be one opinion about the upbringing. And before scolding your child - consult how to be what to do in this situation. It is necessary to become a friend for a child, and not to continue to act as strict critics.

If you want to think about life - pay time for this. It would be nice to chat with a wise mentor, with the same confessor. The spouse is not worth creating conflicts and swear, a crisis in a relationship with her husband, experienced by a difficult period, you need to survive together. Only a wise wife will understand that a man needs to solve psychological problems that have accumulated over the past years.

How to become wiser

The union between a man and a woman requires patience, compassion and even freedom. And the moments from which the direct threat of family uzam will come to emanate. And only weaklings that do not appreciate their happiness, love will devote their hands and refuse to fight. And those who want to know how to survive the crisis in a relationship with her husband, his wife and decides the question, will be able to pass through his hand in hand with the most expensive person on earth! The main thing is to be an optimist and for a second not forget that one or the one who sent the fate!

During this period, personal "interpenetration" takes place in a pair and a kind of relationships appear on relationships. The awareness of this pushes on attempts to return to itself the same, which can manifest itself in the establishment of old connections, and in the change of work.

Photo source: pixabay.com

For these years, marriage most often has the birth of the firstborn. With the advent of the baby, the roles of spouses are changing, they become parents. The load associated with physical, psychological and material costs increases.

A young mother is absorbed by the leaving for a cloth, and her husband feels abandoned and excess in this relationship. Especially if he is not attracted to the conscious fatherhood, but they are trying to use only as an obedient assistant.

Do not be afraid to trust my husband's role of the Father, he will cope with her no worse than you deal with the role of the mother. But make sure that your new status (caring parents) has not canceled the former (loving spouses).

Day after day. Crisis 6-7-years

In the life of the family, everything is stable and established: life, communication, work. But in the sex there is a suspension of the partner's body. Many men complain that romance left from relationships, the spouse does not share their hobbies.

That is why most of the change in marital pairs occurs during this period.

Women return to work. After several years of life, everything new is perceived as emotional, bright, I want to change a lot. The spouse becomes financially less dependent on her husband.

Photo source: bewoman.club

Women who are experiencing a crisis are trying to return to those days when "everything just started." They can safely buy beautiful underwear, arrange dinner with candlelight ... It is impossible to turn the time to reverse, and the fact that the spouse liked seven years ago, now it can cause irritation.

An erroneous will be an attempt to restore relationships by the birth of the second child. Children are not a means of manipulating her husband. On the contrary, an increase in psycho-emotional and physical exertion during the crisis may result in family breakdown. Romantic moments are needed, but they must be completely different - something new, interesting, unusual.

"And it's all?". Crisis 11-13 years old

It would seem that all that perhaps experienced together: difficulties, lack of finance, illness, failure ... Why, after such a life exam, some couples decide to part?

Perhaps this is the most inexplicable crisis. The spouses characterize him with the words "We became other people's people," and simply they cooled, there is no strength to "invest" in relation. Perhaps it is an echo of one of the unresolved crises of past years.

In addition, such a period sometimes coincides with the crisis of the mid-life of one of the spouses when the values \u200b\u200bare reassessing. Fear may appear that there are not many years left when there is a chance to "start all first"

Photo source: Piter-TreNing.ru

Own achievements and goals may seem insufficient, but you need to learn how to take them and put new goals. Not only for yourself as a person, but also for a family as a world that you continue to master.

Determine how small, but overall joint tasks that will develop your marriage. Together, look for new ways to implement the accumulated potential.

The children have not grown yet, but they have a period of choice of life position. Its activity depends largely on you. And if the younger generation will see energetic, enthusiastic life, loving parents, and not bored guardians, then not only the children themselves will win, but your "family boat" will not "break out" about life.

"The syndrome of the empty nest." Crisis 20 years

Children grew up their life begins. In families, where relations were built only around the interests of the child, the link is falling. The meaning of the relationship is lost.

Many men are bred at this stage, since the feeling of guilt and debt before children did not allow to break this relationship earlier.

Women do not get tired of reminding that the "best years" was given to the spouse, which means that he should now return debts.

Source photo: blondlife.ru

In fact, the crisis is because both spouses forget about the important advantage of this marriage period. After all, parting with an active parent role, you seem to return to youth when the marriage was your main family function. It is now that time came to remember everything good that brought you a marriage.

Remember what dreams and plans you once postponed to the "best times," now there is a wonderful opportunity to implement them. In sexual relationships now, more than ever your attention is important to each other, caressing and tenderness. Do not be afraid to experiment, divert your intimate life.

So, be patient and careful to each other, love and respect the partner, then any crises are not terrible to you!

There are rules that wise couples are observed throughout life. And then not only crisis years are overcome without loss, but also the golden wedding comes as a holiday.

• Do not make irritation in yourself. Try to choose the right moment and discuss the problem. The partner is not obliged to read your thoughts, but he can hear you.
• Do not repel a partner when he wants to be together. Always listen to each other, be careful to his problems and feelings. Never manipulate a partner using bans or sex permits.
• Choose wording. Try not to blame my spouse, but to say that you feel when there is a conflict. (Instead of "you again ...", tell me, for example, "I am very upset when you ...")
• Treat views, the interests of the spouse with proper respect, honor the traditions of his family. Do not prevent changes
• in the life of a spouse, be an ally and support in all endeavors.
• Create your world! Expand and strengthen the mutual interest zones, create the history of your family, its tradition, even their own language.
• Go to a new stage in the development of the family, without waiting for crises, do not let Routine steal love with you.
• The joy of mutual recognition over the years can increase. This also applies to the body and soul. New nuances and overtones appear in sex, not available any "Kamasu-Tre". Constantly engage in self-development, improve - and then you will be interested in a partner as a person.

Source photo: snitsya-son.ru

• No perfect people! Appreciate and develop positive partner quality.

Secrets of family long-livers:

I heard this story from the lady, who happily lived with his handsome husband for more than 30 years. A high-ranking diplomat, he was together with his wife at all secular events. He was surrounded by a large number of beautiful and smart women. And of course, it did not do without hobbies. When she saw that the husband begins to be interested in another woman, she did not suit him scenes. She approached her, started a conversation, carefully watched this lady and tried to understand what she was interested in her husband. And then tried to generate this quality in himself. When the husband discovered the virtue in his wife, attracted him to another, Roman Zoodaled himself.

To keep the test with honor, you need to prepare for it and work on relationships.

Learn to understand each other

The first crisis in the pair comes after the first year of family life. The reason for him becomes tapping spouses to each other. They will have a difficult task: to understand a loved one, to settle all household questions, learn not only to express their feelings, but also coexist.

How to get? When maximalism and categorical not lost the place of everyday wisdom, the marriage is under threat. To go through the first test, you do not need to forget about the advantages of a partner or partner. Be prepared to compromise. In difficult situations, do not give up, ask for help from more experienced couples, your parents or consult a psychotherapist.

Do not extend

After about 3 years after marriage marriage and woman can be on the threshold of the next crisis. According to the stereotypical scenario, the development of relations during this time the firstborn could appear. If the spouses did not even assume, what difficulties can bring a baby, for them will become an unpleasant shock that they are somewhat. If the offspring does not appear, all the same, partners weaken the desire to be always together.

How to get? Especially in this situation a man suffers. He may assume that his partner is concerned exclusively by the child and does not pay due attention to her husband. The wife can exhibit a stick, forget about the loved one and really take care of only his son or daughter. To overcome the second crisis, you need to remember the unity of the family and spend the threesome time more: Mom, dad and child.

Give each other

After a couple of years, when mom comes out of maternity leave, a third crisis of family life can come from maternity leave. Now the wife breaks between the house, child and official duties. It is especially difficult for her if there is no sufficient understanding and help from the spouse.

How to get? It is worth explaining to her husband, what help from him is required, and give it time to rebuild. All changes in the mistake of family life, especially such global, survive and realize not easy.

Overcome boredom

All troubles remained behind, the baby grows, the organizational moments are settled. It's time to calm down and live in peace and harmony. However, after a couple of years, the spouses can begin with a single-sampling of family life. This is the most dangerous crisis. His cunning is that her husband and wife do not understand that something is wrong with their marriage, because they do not quarrel and do not swear. However, they feel fatigue from each other and can decide that the feelings have passed.

How to get? It's time to refresh a family life, somehow to diversify it. Travel, new family traditions, common hobbies, attention to the intimate side of life - this is what will help to overcome the crisis of 7 years of living together.

If the spouses passed through all these crisis moments, their marriage will not be completely threatened. Maybe in 5-7 years old on family life will affect or the crisis of middle-aged partners. But it is more about personal problems. When a child becomes an independent person, grows up and leave the parent house, emptiness may appear between the spouses. It is important to fill it with a common hobby, rides, care about grandchildren, cottages and a new twist of feelings to each other.

The crisis is a sign of growth, but it is in these periods that need to follow changes in relationships. What if love is it time to save? Channel experts will be told. Watch the video!