You and Your Family: A Guide to Personal Growth. Virginia Satir: You and Your Family

Translated from English by E. Donina, N. Dmitrieva

Editor S. Rimsky

Development of serial design by artist V. Shcherbakov

The series was founded in 1999

Satyr V.

You and your family. Personal Growth Guide

Per. from English - Moscow: April Press, Eksmo Publishing House, 2002 .-- 320 p. (Series "Psychological collection").

13VN 5-04 * 004391-0

The book of the founder of family counseling, Virginia Satir, is devoted to the most pressing problem - family and intrafamily relations. What happens in a family when a solemn marriage is far behind and everyday life comes, when every day a husband and wife, parents and children face to face (or back to back)? It's boring? heavy? no way? Can anything be changed and how to do it? All this is fascinating, with subtle and kind humor, and most importantly, with faith in the desire and ability of a person for personal growth, written in this book.

I owe too much to Virginia Satir intellectually and emotionally to try to be objective in this introduction. I am very glad, my nameless reader, that you are about to embark on a journey that, perhaps, will change your life, help to find its new meaning and will contribute to your personal growth.

I first met Virginia Satyr eleven years ago. She taught family therapy at the Institute for Intelligence Research in Palo Alto. This was the first family therapy course in the country. Even though my psychiatry course was orthodox Freudian, the innovative ideas impressed me so much that I joined her with Don Jackson and took over as the program's administrative director, so that I could observe its effectiveness. She used one-way mirrors, audio and video tapes, educational games and exercises. Virginia gave examples from personal experience, took part in visual demonstrations, and modeled family interviews. Today, these techniques have become so common that it is easy to overlook their author. Don Jackson, in turn, invited Virginia to write a book about general family therapy.He believed that she could become mainstream in the field of family therapy.

Five years later, when the family therapy course became famous, Virginia took the lead in the Potential Growth Movement, she had to seek and find new ideas and techniques in this area. She also became the first training director at the Isalensky Institute and played a huge role in the creation of many other development centers. Almost automatically, Virginia combined aspects of sensual self-awareness, conflictology and gestalt psychology. The techniques she used in working with dysfunctional families are now being used more and more often, because they help people develop their potential. Fritz Perls, shortly before his death, called Virginia the luckiest person he has ever known.

When you read this book, many of you will think that everything written is simple and obvious. This will be partly because Virginia's ideas are widespread enough and have already received approval. But the secret is that Virginia - a brilliant scientist - knows all the principles that underlie this or that phenomenon and are able to reveal its general laws. And in this case, the explained phenomenon becomes surprisingly understandable and familiar.

Each time you reread this book, you will find that there is real depth behind its seeming simplicity.

Seven years ago I wrote a book, General Family Therapy, which was originally aimed at professional people trying to help families deal with their problems. Since then, I have received many requests to write a new book for families who are faced with the problem of intra-family relationships. In part, this book is the answer to so many requests.

Since I do not believe that any subject can be studied to the very end, I continued to experiment with new aspects of self-esteem, communication, systems and rules within the family. I have gathered groups of several families for co-ordinated workshops for periods of up to one week. Part of these workshops was continuous contact around the clock. What I learned in these seminars did not negate all the previous concepts of the family, but, on the contrary, expanded them.

All aspects of the family - individual self-esteem, communication, changed or corrected at any time. I would even say that a person's behavior at each moment of time is the result of a four-way interaction of his self-esteem, physical condition, interaction with another person, his system and his place in time, space and situation. And if I want to explain his behavior, then I must take into account all these factors (not missing a single one) and the degree of their influence on each other. Throughout our lives, we draw conclusions based on personal experience, but all of them almost always have nothing to do with what we really are, or our intentions.

The solution of old problems is postponed, and the problems themselves are only exacerbated by constant conversations around them. In short, there is hope that everything can be changed.

Acknowledgments

Unfortunately, it is absolutely impossible to list all the people who helped and inspired me for this work. Their names could make up another book. Among these people, families and members of these families stand out, who allowed me to their problems and troubles, which, in turn, led me to a deeper and clearer awareness of what a person is. In doing so, they gave me the opportunity to write this book. I want to pay tribute to those of my colleagues who wanted to learn from me, and therefore gave me the opportunity to learn from them.

Special thanks to Pat Colins, Peggy Granger, and all the Scitnce and Behavior Books staff who have spared no effort to create this book.

Introduction

When I was little, when I grew up, I wanted to become a children's detective and watch my parents. I did not have a very clear idea of \u200b\u200bwhat exactly I would be investigating, but even then I understood that something mysterious was happening in all families, inaccessible to prying eyes.

Now, 45 years later, having worked with about three thousand families and ten thousand people, I understand that there are really many mysteries.

Family life is somewhat like an iceberg. Most people are aware of about one tenth of those events that actually happen, that is, what they see and hear, often mistaking for reality. Some suspect that there may be something else, but do not know How to learn more about it Lack of knowledge can lead a family to destruction The fate of a sailor depends on his knowledge of the underwater part of the iceberg, and the fate of a family depends on understanding the feelings, needs and structure that are behind the daily events in that family.

In our age of stunning scientific discoveries, penetration into the atom, the conquest of outer space, discoveries in the field of genetics and other miracles, we also learn something new about the relationship between people. I am sure that the stories of ki of the next millennium will speak of our time as the time of the birth of a new era in human development, an era when a person began to exist in a larger world with the society around him.

Over the years of work, I have managed to understand the meaning of the expression "live like a human being." It means - to understand, appreciate and develop your body, consider it beautiful and useful, realistically and honestly evaluate yourself and others, not be afraid to take risks, create, show your abilities, not be afraid to change something when the situation requires it, be able to adapt to new conditions, preserving the old that may still be useful, and discarding the unnecessary.

If you put all these criteria together, you get a physically healthy, mentally developed, feeling, loving, cheerful, real, creative, productive person. A person who is able to independently stay on his feet, a person who can truly love and truly fight, who combines tenderness and firmness and realizes the difference between them, and therefore successfully achieves his goals.

The family is a "factory" where such a person is formed. You adults form new people,

Over the years of working in family therapy, I realized that there are four factors of family life that are inevitably present in the lives of people who come to me for help. It:

The thoughts and feelings that each person has in relation to himself. What I call self-esteem;

The ways people follow to understand each other. What I call communication;

The rules that people follow in their lives. Sometimes they make up a kind of aggregate, a family system;

The way people interact with the people and communities around them outside the family. I call it community relations.

It doesn't matter what the primary problem that brought the family into my office was — a nagging wife, an unfaithful husband, a son with inappropriate behavior, or a daughter with a neurosis — the important thing is that the recipe is the same. It was only by finding a way to change the four key factors that I mentioned above to alleviate family suffering. In all unsuccessful

Self-esteem was low;

The communication was indirect, vague, and not too honest;

The rules by which the family lived were harsh, inhuman, peremptory;

Social ties were carried out from the standpoint of fear, blame, or ingratiating themselves.

Fortunately, I also had a chance to communicate with prosperous families, especially in the process of doing my last job: helping families develop and use their human potential. In these vibrant families, a different pattern could be seen:

A high self-evaluation;

Communication is direct, clear, honest, specific;

The rules are flexible, humane, appropriate to the circumstances;

Social connections are open, full of trust.

Having received the specialty of a surgeon, a person is able to operate on people anywhere in the world, since the internal organs and limbs of all people are the same. In the course of my work with successful and unsuccessful families in the United States, Mexico and Europe, I realized that they all have the same ingredients. In any family, everyone:

Has self-esteem: low or high;

One way or another communicates; the point is how he does it and what is the result;

Follows certain rules; the question is what rules he follows and how they work for him;

Connected with society, but at the same time it is important - how and what is the result.

These factors are also valid for an ordinary family, where there is both a mother and a father, who, having conceived a child and gave birth to him, continue to take care of him, raise him throughout his life; and for an incomplete family, where the second parent is absent due to divorce, death or for some other reason and all the upbringing is carried out by the remaining parent; and for a mixed family, where the child is raised by adoptive parents, and not by the people who gave birth to him; and for a social family, that is, a family where children are raised by a group of adults who belong to a social organization. Each of these family types has its own specific problems. We will return to them a little later, but basically you can trace the interaction of all the same factors: self-esteem, communications, rules, social connections. In this book, I'll focus enough on each of them to help you understand how they coexist in your family and how they can be influenced to reduce problems and get inspiration and joy from communication. Take my recommendations as the accumulated experience of an ordinary person who at one time shared many minutes of joy and grief with many families, and not as the advice of a specialist. I also want to assure you that it is not my plans to condemn anyone.

The fact that you are reading this kind of book shows that you really care about the climate in your family. I hope that I will be able to help you improve your family life.

Family relationships are very complex. To make them at least a little easier to understand, I will use the terminology "as if". It will not change the complex model built by scientists, but it will help you look at your family from different angles. As a result, I hope you find something that really helps you.

This book will offer you many experiments and exercises. Even if at first they seem simple and stupid to you, try to fulfill each of them. Knowing about family building won't change anything by itself. You need to know how to make this system work for you, and these kinds of experiments are the concrete, right steps your family can take to become more successful. The more members of your family take part in these exercises, the better the result will be. You will feel how the system of building your family works, what leads to the creation of problems in it, and what leads to personal growth.

You may be interested in learning how to convince the rest of your family to take part in these experiments. This is especially important if the family already has some problems. I suggest that you carefully read what you have to offer your family so that it is easy for you to communicate the essence of what you are asking for. If you are enthusiastic and hoping to get good results from the experiment, try to convey your feelings to your family. They may find the invitation more tempting and more likely your family members will want to join you. If you present your request as a direct question like "Would you like to participate in an experiment that might be useful to us?" - you will create all the conditions for your relatives to agree. However, by no means should you repeat the mistake that most people make: trying to get your family members to join the experiment. This turns the transaction into an uphill battle, the outcome of which is usually, alas, a foregone conclusion. It is possible that at the moment the situation is hopeless and there is nothing to be done about it. But if your family members live under the same roof, the chances that they will want to at least try to do something are quite high.

I face various family problems. I passed each of them through myself. With this book, I hope to alleviate the suffering of families that I may never see, and I also hope to prevent problems that may arise in the families of our children. Of course, some kind of human suffering is inevitable, but like all people, we do not always focus our efforts on what is possible, and we do not seek the best way to coexist with what we cannot change.

Perhaps reading this book will make you experience the unpleasant moments that may arise when self-contemplation. But if it seems to you that it is possible to build a system of your family relationships better than it is built now, this book will be useful to you.

What is your family like?

Do you enjoy living with your family at the moment?

This question was not asked by any family with which I had to work. The fact is that cohabitation was taken for granted by people, and if there was no obvious family crisis, they believed that everything was in order. It seems to me that families that do not dare to ask such a question are simply used to their life, to its good and bad manifestations, and did not know that there was an opportunity to change something.

Do you feel like you are living with friends, people you like, trust and sympathize with and trust in you?

This question puzzles people. They say, “I never thought about it, they are my family,” as if family members are somehow different from ordinary people.

Is it fun and exciting to be a member of your family?

Yes, indeed, there are families whose members believe that home is one of the most interesting and enjoyable places in the world. But many people year after year live in families that are a burden to them, they are bored there, and perhaps something threatens.

If you can answer yes to all three questions, I'm sure you live in a family that can be called a successful one. If you answer “no” or “not always,” you most likely live in a family that can be described as problematic to one degree or another.

After meeting hundreds of families, I realized that a family can be successful, problematic, or be something in between these two positions. There are only a few successful families, but they have a lot in common, as well as problem families, regardless of the nature of the problems. I would like to give you a verbal picture of each type of family. Of course, no picture will fully correspond to any particular family, but you will be able to recognize the traits of your own family in some of them.

As soon as I find myself in a problem family, I instantly begin to feel discomfort. Sometimes it gets cold, as if everyone around is frozen. The atmosphere is emphatically polite, but it is quite obvious that everyone is very bored. Sometimes it seems that everything around is spinning like a top, your head starts spinning, and you cannot come to your senses. Sometimes you think that this is the calm before the storm, and at any moment thunder or lightning can flash. And sometimes there is some mystery in the air, and you feel like a spy who must solve it.

When I find myself in one of these families, my body reacts instantly. I'm starting to feel sick, my back, shoulders and head start to ache. I always ask people who live in such families, what is the reaction of their bodies to this situation. And when we got to know each other better, I understood that they feel the same way as I do. After these things were repeated several times, I understood why people living in problem families suffer from various diseases. Their body simply reacts to the inhuman atmosphere1.

In troubled families, bodies and faces talk about their condition. The bodies are either stretched and awkward, or stooped. The faces are sullen, sad and empty, like masks. The eyes are directed downward or past people. The ears obviously cannot hear. Voices are either unpleasant and harsh, or barely audible. You can find only a tiny bit of joy in communicating with each other or evidence of friendliness between members of such a family. It seems that these people spend time together under duress and are only trying to endure each other. Sometimes in troubled families there is a person who is trying to change something, but his attempts are wasted.

1. You may be surprised by what I am describing here. But each person physically reacts in one way or another to the people around him, although many simply do not realize this. Most of us have been taught to "turn off" these feelings. Learning this over the years, a person eventually turns them off with such ease that he simply stops noticing how his body reacts. After a few hours, he develops a headache, shoulder or stomach pains. And even then, he does not understand why this is happening. As a therapist, I have learned to listen to these feelings within myself and recognize their signs in my patients. It is these feelings that tell me a lot about what is happening between us. I hope this book will help you learn to recognize such signals within yourself.

Jokes in such families are caustic, sarcastic, even cruel. Parents are so busy prescribing what their child should do and what not, that they do not have time to understand: what kind of person is their child. Of course, they cannot get pleasure from communicating with him, just as the child does not get pleasure from their company. Therefore, people from unsuccessful families are sometimes very surprised that they can enjoy communicating with each other.

When such families came to my office, I always asked how they manage to survive in such an atmosphere. I found out that some people just avoided each other. They were so immersed in work and other activities outside the family that contacts were practically reduced to zero. It is very difficult to be close to such families, as you constantly face hopelessness, helplessness and loneliness.

Sometimes I meet people who courageously try not to notice these problems, but this is destructive courage. Among them there are those who still have a glimmer of hope and they are trying to fix everything, grumbling and swearing with each other. The rest do not care for a long time. From year to year these people hide this grief in themselves or, in despair, try to shift it onto the shoulders of others.

Traditionally, we see the family as a place where you can always find love, understanding and support. Even when everything is crumbling around - the family is a haven where you can relax, refresh and gain strength to better cope with the surrounding problems. But for millions of disadvantaged families, this is a myth.

We live in an industrial society, where all of us in one way or another have to deal with various organizations that should be practical, economical, efficient in their field and, finally, profitable. Very few of these organizations are responsible for helping people, protecting them from other people. Almost every one of us either lives in poverty, or suffers from discrimination, or is ruthlessly suppressed by some organizations, and all this happens through the fault of our inhuman social organizations.

For people from problem families who face inhumanity even in their own home, it is many times more difficult to experience any troubles.

Take a moment from your reading and consider how many families you know fit the definition of a failed family. Can the family you grew up with be called * to some extent successful? What about the family you live in now? Do you see any signs that you haven't noticed before?

The feeling of being with a harmonious family is completely different. In such families, cheerfulness, sincerity, honesty and love reign in relationships. The living presence of mind, heart and soul is immediately noticeable.

It seems to me that if I lived in such a family, they would listen to me, and I would listen with interest to those around me, convincing someone, and in some ways giving in to the opinion of others. She could openly Demonstrate her happiness as well as pain and disappointment. I wouldn’t be afraid to take risks, as every member of my family understood that risking, I could stumble, and my mistakes are proof of my growth. I would feel like a full-fledged person, a person who is seen, appreciated, loved and who himself is able to notice, appreciate and love the people around him. In such families you can always feel the vital energy, the members of such families are gracefully folded, their faces are relaxed. People look at each other, not right through and at the floor. They speak in clear, pure voices, their relationship is harmonious.

If a father from such a family is in a bad mood for some reason, his son can amiably say, "Dad, you are not in the mood for something today." He is not afraid that his father will mutter in response: "How dare you talk to your father in such a tone!" Instead, he will respond in the same friendly way: "Yes, I am somehow out of sorts, I had a terrible day today." To which his son can say: "And I thought that maybe it was I who upset you with something."

Successful families, like everyone else, make plans, but if something prevents them from being realized, family members are ready to make the necessary changes and, thus, solve all problems without panic. Suppose a child drops a cup and it breaks. In a problem family, such a case can lead to the fact that the child will be given a half-hour lecture, spanked, and then kicked out of the room. In a successful family, most likely, someone

will say: “Well Johnny, you seem to have broken the cup, did you cut yourself? I'll bring you a first-aid kit now, and you take a brush and sweep up the pieces. " If one of the parents noticed that the cup broke, because the child was just carelessly holding it, then he can add: "It seems to me that the cup fell because you only held it with one hand." This way the incident will be used as a lesson and will not diminish self-esteem.

In a successful family, it is easy to grasp the idea that human life and human feelings are the greatest value. Parents in such a family feel like leaders, not bosses, and feel obligated to remain human in any situation. They readily tell the child their opinion, regardless of whether it is good or bad, tell him about their sorrow and joy, failure and disappointment. They teach children to behave with others as they behave themselves. Parents from problem families are completely different. They tell their children that they should not offend each other, and they themselves insult them as soon as something does not happen the way they like.

Successful parents know that they need to learn to be a leader, that this skill does not automatically come to their child from the moment of birth. Like all good leaders, they know how to choose the time to speak to their child exactly when he is able to hear the parent. If the child does not behave like this, the mother and father show attention and care, looking for the reason for this or that action, and try to help him. This atmosphere allows the offender to overcome fear and guilt and get the most out of the parents' suggestions. Not so long ago I met with a mother from a prosperous family who very successfully got out of a difficult situation. When she saw that her sons of five and six years old were fighting, she calmly separated them, took each by the hand and sat between them, continuing to hold the boys by the hands, she asked them to tell what happened. She took turns listening carefully to them and? gradually asking questions, she restored the picture of what had happened. The younger one pulled out a coin from the older son's clothes. As the boys expressed their grievances and shared their feelings of injustice, the mother was able to help them understand each other and find common ground again. By returning the coin to its rightful owner, she, among other things, taught her sons a lesson on constructive problem solving.

Parents in successful families understand that their child is unintentionally committing wrongdoing. If the child is behaving badly, then he misunderstood something. Perhaps the problem is his low self-esteem, and then it is very dangerous. They know that a child can study well only when he values \u200b\u200bhimself and feels appreciated. Parents try to behave so that the child does not feel underestimated, although at the same time they perfectly understand that they can change the child's behavior by shaming or punishing him, but in this case, the wound that remains in his soul will not heal soon. When a child needs to be corrected, and this is sometimes necessary for all children, successful parents try to listen to the child, understand him, take into account his natural cognitive needs and the desire to please parents. It is from these little things that the concept of "successful parents" is formed.

Building a family may be the hardest thing in the world. It involves the joint efforts of two individuals aimed at raising one child. From the very beginning, we must not forget that when adults, man and woman, take up the upbringing of a child from birth to adulthood, they will inevitably have problems. Parents in successful families understand that there will be problems simply because there is no other way, so they are able to immediately resolve them as they arise. Problem families, on the other hand, make a lot of effort, hopelessly trying to avoid problems, and when they do arise (this is inevitable), these people no longer have enough strength to cope with them.

One of the greatest strengths of successful parents is that they are willing to change. Children grow and mature gradually. Parents, too, do not stop maturing1 and changing, and the world around them does not stand still either. They accept change as an inevitable part of life and try to use it for the good of their family.

Can you think of a family that could be called successful? Can you remember a time when your family was prosperous? Remember your feelings about this. How often do you have such moments in your family?

You may think that my image of a successful family is unrealistic. To this I can answer that I was lucky and I was personally familiar with such families, and therefore I know for sure that this is possible. But, alas, there can be only four such families out of a hundred.

Those who disagree with me may say that because of the many problems present in our lives, people simply do not have the time and energy to rebuild their families. I will answer them that it is necessary to find time for this, because it is a matter of life and death. It seems to me that this is the most important problem in our life. Losers grow up in dysfunctional families. It is these families that can become the source of criminality, mental illness, alcoholism, drug addiction, poverty, loneliness, political extremism and many other social problems. If we do not do our best to develop families and educate more humane people, those social problems that we already have will. will grow and multiply.

But if the cost of failure is so high, then so is the reward in case of success. Every person with some sort of power and influence was once a child, and how he uses his power and influence largely depends on what he learned in his family as a child. If we help problem families to become prosperous, and prosperous ones even more successful, the impulse of their increased humanity will affect the government, education, business, and religion in one word, all areas that determine our life, I am convinced that each problematic the family is able to become prosperous. Most of the causes of problems in the family stem from what a person learns in his own family after birth. But we must not forget that a person is capable of learning in the same way as retraining. The main problem is that you need:

1) admit your family is problematic;

2) believe that everything can be changed;

3) take action to bring about change.

With the help of this book, you will gradually free yourself from rose-colored glasses and begin to openly look at what causes joy or pain in your family. The first thing you need to learn about is self-esteem.

The book of the founder of family counseling, Virginia Satir, is devoted to the most pressing topic - family and intrafamily relationships. What happens in the family when the solemn marriage is far behind, and everyday life comes, when every day the husband and wife, parents and children face to face (or back to back). It's boring? heavy? no way? Is it possible to change something and how to do it - all this is fascinating with subtle and kind humor, and most importantly, with faith in the desire and ability of a person for personal growth, it is written in this book.
It is recommended not only for those whose life goal is to help solve other people's intra-family problems, but also for those who strive to make their family happy on their own.

My declaration of self esteem

I am me.

In the whole world, there is no exactly the same person as me. Of course, there are people somewhat similar to me, but there is not a single person who completely repeats me. Everything that comes from me is exclusively mine, because it is my choice.

Everything that is in me belongs to me: my body and all its movements, my consciousness, including all thoughts and ideas that pass through it, my eyes and what they see, my feelings, whatever they are - anger , joy, irritation, love, disappointment, delight. My mouth and all the words he says, be they polite, sweet, right or harsh and wrong. My voice, gentle or harsh, and all my actions directed both at me and at others.

I own my triumphs and successes, mistakes and failures. Since I belong to myself, I can get to know myself very closely and thus make friends with myself, love myself and all my components, and therefore I can direct all actions in the direction of my interests.

I know what does not suit me, I also know that there is something that I do not know about myself. But I love myself and therefore I can boldly act to change what does not suit me, and also try to find out what I do not know. I am me, regardless of what I say, how I act, how I look, what I think and feel. All this is only mine, and it reflects my position at a given moment.

When I comprehend how I looked, what I said, what I did, what I thought and felt, I can drop what I don’t like, leave what suits me, replacing the discarded with something new, more suitable.

I can hear and listen, speak and do. I have all the opportunities to be close and useful to other people. Everything in order to understand the world of people and things around me.

I belong to myself, so I can create myself.

I am me. Everything is fine with me.

You and Your Family: A Guide to Personal Growth: Institute of Humanities Research; Moscow; 2013

ISBN 5-88230-204-8

annotation

The book of the founder of family counseling, Virginia Satir, is devoted to the most pressing topic - family and intrafamily relationships. What happens in the family when the solemn marriage is far behind, and everyday life comes, when every day the husband and wife, parents and children face to face (or back to back). It's boring? heavy? no way? Is it possible to change something and how to do it - all this is fascinating with subtle and kind humor, and most importantly, with faith in the desire and ability of a person for personal growth is written in this book. It is recommended not only for professionals whose life goal is to help solve other people's intra-family problems, but also for all those who strive to make their family happy on their own.

Foreword

I owe too much intellectually and emotionally to Virginia Satir to be objective in this introduction. I am very glad that you, an unnamed reader, are about to embark on a journey that, perhaps, will change your life, help find its new meaning and contribute to your personal growth.

I first met Virginia Satyr eleven years ago. She taught family therapy at the Institute for Intelligence Research in Palo Alto. This was the first family therapy course in the country. I was then teaching an orthodox Freudian course in psychiatry, but despite this, her innovative ideas impressed me so much that I joined Virginia with Don Jackson as the program's administrative director, so I could see how effective her work was. She used one-way mirrors, audio and video materials, educational games and exercises. Virginia gave examples from personal experience, arranged visual demonstrations on herself, simulated family interviews. Today these techniques are so common that it is easy to overlook their author.

Don Jackson, in turn, suggested that Virginia write a book on general family therapy. In his opinion, this book was supposed to become a basic one in the field of family therapy.

Five years later, when the family therapy course became famous, Virginia took the lead in the Potential Growth Movement, seeking and discovering new ideas and techniques in this area. She also became the first director of the training program at the Isalensky Institute and played a huge role in the creation of many other development centers. Virginia, without hesitation, combined aspects of sensual self-awareness, conflictology and gestalt psychology. The techniques that she used in working with dysfunctional families are today used everywhere, because they help people develop their potential.

Fritz Perls, shortly before his death, named Virginia the luckiest person he has ever known.

After you have read this book, many of you will think that everything written is simple and obvious. This is partly because Virginia's ideas are widespread enough and have already received approval. But the secret is that Virginia - a brilliant scientist - knows all the principles that underlie this or that phenomenon and are able to reveal its general laws. It is in this case that the phenomenon being explained becomes surprisingly understandable and familiar.

Each time you reread this book, you will find that there is real depth behind its seeming simplicity.

Robert Spitzer,

Publisher

Seven years ago, I wrote a book, General Family Therapy, which was designed for professionals who work with families and their problems. Since then, I have received many requests to write a new book for the families themselves who are faced with the problem of their internal relationships. In part, this book is the answer to so many requests.

Since, in my opinion, no subject can be studied completely, I continued to experiment with new aspects of self-esteem, communication, system and rules within the family that were opening to me. I have gathered groups from several families for co-ordinated workshops lasting up to one week. The seminars provided for continuous round-the-clock contact. What I learned from them did not negate the previous ideas about the family, but, on the contrary, enriched them.

All aspects of the family - be it individual self-concept, communication, system, or rules - can be changed or corrected at any time. At every moment of time, a person's behavior is the result of a four-way interaction of his self-esteem, physical condition, interaction with another person, his system and his place in time, space and situation. And if I want to explain his behavior, then I need to take into account all these factors (without missing a single one) and the degree of their influence on each other. Throughout our lives, we draw conclusions based on personal experience, but none of them almost never relates to what we really are, or to our intentions.

The solution of old problems is postponed, and the problems themselves are only exacerbated by constant conversations around them. In short, there is hope that everything can be changed.

I owe too much intellectually and emotionally to Virginia Satir to be objective in this introduction. I am very glad that you, an unnamed reader, are about to embark on a journey that, perhaps, will change your life, help find its new meaning and contribute to your personal growth.

I first met Virginia Satyr eleven years ago. She taught family therapy at the Institute for Intelligence Research in Palo Alto. This was the first family therapy course in the country. I was then teaching an orthodox Freudian course in psychiatry, but despite this, her innovative ideas impressed me so much that I joined Virginia with Don Jackson as the program's administrative director, so I could see how effective her work was. She used one-way mirrors, audio and video materials, educational games and exercises. Virginia gave examples from personal experience, arranged visual demonstrations on herself, simulated family interviews. These techniques are so common today that it is easy to overlook their author.

Don Jackson, in turn, suggested that Virginia write a book on general family therapy. In his opinion, this book was supposed to become a basic one in the field of family therapy.

Five years later, when the family therapy course became famous, Virginia took the lead in the Potential Growth Movement, seeking and discovering new ideas and techniques in this area. She also became the first director of the training program at the Isalensky Institute and played a huge role in the creation of many other development centers. Virginia, without hesitation, combined aspects of sensual self-awareness, conflictology and gestalt psychology. The techniques that she used in working with dysfunctional families are now used everywhere, because they help people develop their potential.

Fritz Perls, shortly before his death, named Virginia the luckiest person he has ever known.

After you have read this book, many of you will think that everything written is simple and obvious. This is partly because Virginia's ideas are widespread enough and have already received approval. But the secret is that Virginia - a brilliant scientist - knows all the principles that underlie this or that phenomenon and are able to reveal its general laws. It is in this case that the phenomenon being explained becomes surprisingly understandable and familiar.

Each time you reread this book, you will find that there is real depth behind its seeming simplicity.

Robert Spitzer,

Publisher

Seven years ago, I wrote a book, General Family Therapy, which was designed for professionals who work with families and their problems. Since then, I have received many requests to write a new book for the families themselves who are faced with the problem of their internal relationships. In part, this book is the answer to so many requests.

Since, in my opinion, no subject can be studied completely, I continued to experiment with new aspects of self-esteem, communication, system and rules within the family that were opening to me. I have gathered groups from several families for co-ordinated workshops lasting up to one week. The seminars provided for continuous round-the-clock contact. What I learned from them did not negate the previous ideas about the family, but, on the contrary, enriched them.

All aspects of the family - be it individual self-concept, communication, system, or rules - can be changed or corrected at any time. At every moment of time, a person's behavior is the result of a four-way interaction of his self-esteem, physical condition, interaction with another person, his system and his place in time, space and situation. And if I want to explain his behavior, then I need to take into account all these factors (without missing a single one) and the degree of their influence on each other. Throughout our lives, we draw conclusions based on personal experience, but none of them almost never relates to what we really are, or to our intentions.

The solution of old problems is postponed, and the problems themselves are only exacerbated by constant conversations around them. In short, there is hope that everything can be changed.

Unfortunately, it is completely impossible to list all the people who helped and inspired me for this work. Their names would make up another book. Among these people, families and members of these families occupy a special place, who allowed me to their problems and troubles, which, in turn, gave me a deeper and clearer knowledge of what a person is. It was thanks to them that the opportunity to write this book was realized.

I want to pay tribute to those of my colleagues who wished to learn from me, thereby allowing me to learn from them.

Special thanks to Pat Colins, Peggy Granger, and all the Science and Behavior Books staff who spared no effort to create this book.

When I was little, I dreamed that when I grew up, I would become a detective to keep an eye on my parents. I had a rather vague idea of \u200b\u200bwhat exactly I would be investigating, but even then it was clear to me that something mysterious was happening in all families, beyond the control of the uninitiated.

Today, 45 years later, having worked with about three thousand families and ten thousand people, I understand that there are really many mysteries. Family life is somewhat like an iceberg. Most people are aware of about one tenth of the events that actually occur, that is, what they see and hear, often mistaking for reality. Some people suspect that there may be something else, but they have no idea how to find out. Ignorance can lead a family to ruin. The fate of a sailor depends on his knowledge that the iceberg has an underwater part, and the fate of the family depends on understanding the feelings, needs and structures that lie behind the daily life of that family.

In our age of stunning scientific discoveries, penetration into the atom, the conquest of outer space, discoveries in the field of genetics and other miracles, we continue to learn something new from the field of relationships between people. I am sure that historians of the next millennium will talk about our time as the time of the birth of a new era in human development, an era when a person began to exist in a larger world within a large society.

Over the years of work, I managed to understand the meaning of the expression "live like a human being." It means - to understand, appreciate and develop your body, consider it beautiful and useful, realistically and honestly evaluate yourself and others, not be afraid to take risks, create, show your abilities, not be afraid to change something when the situation requires it, is able to adapt to new conditions, preserving the old that may still be useful, and discarding the unnecessary.

If you put all these criteria together, you get a physically healthy, mentally developed, feeling, loving, funny, real, creative, productive person. A person who is able to stand independently on his own feet, a person who can truly love and truly fight, who combines tenderness and firmness and realizes the difference between them, and therefore successfully achieves his goals.

13. Family design. Your relationship model

Adults are grown up children. The family is the place where human development takes place. Remember how you felt when you first saw your first baby? Remember how you felt watching your spouse babysit him? Remember all your hopes, worries, fears? I suspect that almost every adult feels confused when he realizes that he must grow from this little creature an intelligent, free, adult person.

When you look at a very young child, you think that if no one takes care of him, he will die. While children, when they are born, do not bring benefits for care and upbringing with them, it means that someone must create these rules, and this is none other than the parents themselves. All of these rules become your designs and models, and that's exactly what the next two chapters are about.

Probably, all parents feel that they must do everything in their power for the child, since the responsibility lies entirely with them. They may feel a lack of information, or have a very vague idea of \u200b\u200b\\ u200b \\ u200bparenting, or not at all recognize other people's experiences, but everyone will be guided by the best intentions.

Each parent is faced with two questions: "How do I want to see my child in the future?" and "How are I and my partner going to achieve this?"

Your answers will be built according to your projects and models that you drew for yourself. Everyone has their own answer, although it can be either clear or vague, unsteady.

The work ahead is by no means easy. The school where parents teach is the toughest school in the world. You are both a blackboard, a principal, and a teacher, all rolled into one. It is assumed that you know everything about life, and the list of requirements grows as the family grows. At your school there are no days off, no vacation, no holidays, no salary increases, let alone a bonus. You work 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, for at least 18 years with each of the children. In addition, do not forget that there is a second “leader” of this school, and he also needs to be reckoned with.

Thus, you, one way or another, begin to create, to sculpt "in the image and likeness" of a new person. Of course, this is the hardest job, difficult, hectic, sweat and blood. Few people have at the same time love, patience, humor, common sense, wisdom and a sense of heightened responsibility. But this is the same work and the source of some of the most joyful and unforgettable moments in your life. What every parent would not give "to see the glowing eyes of a child and hear:" Mom, Dad, you are the best! "

In raising children, there is only one way - trial and error. No matter how much you read and hypothesize, many things are learned only in practice. I have a psychologist friend who gave lectures on parenting. The course was called "12 basic positions on education." Then he got married and after the birth of a child wrote a new course called "12 Tips for Parenting." After the birth of his second child, the course became known as “12 Tips for Parenting,” and after the birth of his third child, he stopped lecturing.

Probably, all parents, if you ask them, will give approximately the same answer as to how they would like to see their child: honest, healthy, strong, kind, with dignity, smart, with an easy character. Any parent will say that they want to be proud of their child.

I believe that the question is not “what” parents want their children, what achievements are expected from them, the more important question is “how” to achieve this. Unfortunately, we pay less attention to the second question, although it is the main one. I hope this book sheds some light on the “how,” which is what the next two chapters are about.

I also want to pay attention to what value systems parents want to bring up in their children and how they do it. In some families, the result of parental "contributions" will be good relationships, peace and love, while in others - troubles and misfortunes.

Maybe right now you can critically evaluate your views on parenting and see what is going wrong at the moment. Maybe right now something needs to be changed. Or maybe you will understand that you are doing everything right.

It happens that many people create families before they are ripe for this and do not have the knowledge and experience necessary for raising children. For example, how can a parent teach a child to be restrained if he himself has difficulty restraining his feelings. Parents have to learn with their children what they have not yet comprehended.

The most necessary quality that parents should have is moral readiness and knowledge of what awaits them in this difficult field. The upbringing process will become a hundred times more difficult if the person is not morally ripe for this. Fortunately, change is possible at any stage of our life, if only a person really wants these changes. It is necessary to comprehend everything in time, weigh and try to change, but this is not as easy to do as it might seem.

You can create a family and become a parent at any stage of your life, and you do not need to blame yourself and doubt the correctness and timeliness of your act. It is more important to realize what is happening now, what will happen next, and what you want to achieve. Believe me, self-flagellation is too much of a waste of time and effort. They can be used to benefit you and those around you.

Most parents want their children to live, if not better than themselves, then at least not worse. When it turns out that everything is not going according to plan, a very strong disappointment ensues, and it becomes stronger the more effort has been invested. At the same time, few people understand that the experience gained in childhood largely determines the line of raising children. I can even say that this is the main factor that forms the basis for planning a future family. A person unconsciously embodies in his family the pattern of relationships that was in the family of his parents, and it does not matter what kind of relationship was there.

The transfer of the parental scheme to your family occurs unconsciously and therefore is fraught with consequences. You can avoid many troubles only if you understand their causes.

If you really enjoyed your parent's relationship, you can consciously embrace the model by deciding for yourself, "I want my family to be the same." If you didn't like the way you were raised, you decide not to repeat their mistakes. Unfortunately, figuring out what not to do is only part of the problem. The main thing is to decide what needs to be changed and how to do it. This is where the problems begin. You are left without an example, without a model of action, which could be taken as a model. You must create it yourself. How do you do it? Where will you find solutions, and what content will you put into your model?

There are a lot of people who do not want to accept the parental model of relationships. After all, you often hear: "I will never raise my children by the methods of my parents!" By this phrase you can mean anything you want.

Now take a moment to break away and remember what moments from your childhood you would like to avoid in your family, with your children. What were you trying to change? How did it work out? Write 5 positive examples from your childhood experiences. Try to understand what is good about them. Write down 5 examples that have affected you badly and analyze them as well. Let your spouse do the same.

You can recall how your father said with his hand on your shoulder: “You must mow the lawn in front of the house until tonight,” his voice was soft and calm, but the instruction sounded rather strict and was specific and clear to you. And you can compare this with the way your mother behaved, who in a raised voice scolded you: “Why do you never do anything ?! You won't go anywhere if you don't help me! "

Or maybe your grandmother never refused you anything, and you used to find it difficult to be honest with her. Perhaps your father always helped you when you had problems and you turned to him. He listened to you, and together you were looking for a way out of the situation, but with your uncle it was the other way around. He said that it was not good to shift your problems onto others, and left you alone with your difficulties.

You may decide that neither parent has been a positive example for you. For example, you turned to them for help, and they immediately dropped everything, so that you were in the center of attention, which made you feel uncomfortable, especially in the presence of other people. In the future, you often found it unpleasant and offensive when others treated you differently, when people were in no hurry to help you. You have not developed such a quality as patience, which is so necessary for an adult. A negative experience could be, for example, this: when you uttered some “dirty”, rude word, your mother either slapped you on the lips, or locked you in a closet. You were in pain, you hid your anger and cried, feeling unloved.

As you make your list, think about how you can use both good and bad experiences to benefit your family.

Take a list of negative examples and try to understand what your parents wanted to get from you in this way. Today, through the eyes of an adult, you are already able to understand what you did not understand then. You have to teach your child the same things, but you can find another way. For example, isn't it better to just explain to a child that swearing is not good than to spank him for it?

You may also find that some of the things you have been taught turned out to be wrong. For example, before Columbus discovered America, people believed that our planet was flat. And you might have been taught that masturbation drives you crazy. Even doctors used to believe in it. Times have changed now. Identifying and knowing such contradictions will greatly help you.

Young parents have to learn a lot of new things, especially since new information appears almost every day. Many adults are not aware of how a person actually develops, few are familiar with the psychology of feelings and know how closely related mental, mental and physical development is. There are even people who do not believe in the power of emotions, in the existence of the soul, although it is difficult for me to understand how you can not believe when there is so much evidence of this around.

It took a long time to realize that raising children requires knowledge. For some reason, we never doubted that they are necessary for raising piglets. We always thought that we need to educate on an intuitive level, and behaved as if anyone would be a wonderful parent, if he just wants to, conceive and give birth to a child. And it turned out to be the most difficult job in the world. I often wonder what a heavy burden many parents have taken on themselves. Much is expected of them, but they do not live up to expectations. I am convinced that there is an urgent need for either mass education or helping parents raise their children. There are many things you need to know in order to build relationships and give your child a healthy upbringing. Imagine how everything will change if young parents, before the birth of a child, are aware of all the difficulties and underwater reefs of the work ahead and can make good use of the knowledge accumulated by mankind.

Now let's see where it all starts, follow the development of a young family. A child was born. There are three of them, and this third requires so much care and attention that the whole personal life, as a rule, is reduced to zero. If this happens, then the child will pay for it for a very long time. If conjugal love goes out, a new partner outside the family becomes a natural way out for many, especially for men.

Stop for a minute. Has this happened to you? With your spouse? How has this affected your family? How did it start? What to do about it?

Many people get lost here, because they seem to have tried all the means to change something. The starting point for you should be an awareness of the real state of affairs, recognition of facts. You can change everything, no matter how far it goes.

First, figure out what knowledge you lack, and then think about how to get it. There is such a wise truth: "Life is as you see it." Change your views and your life will change. One man complained all the time that it was dark everywhere for him. One day he stumbled, fell and broke his glasses. And everything changed at once. It was light all around! He didn't know he wore dark glasses.

Many of us need to fall for our sunglasses to break. And then we will make amazing discoveries.

If something goes wrong in your family, act as if a red light comes on in your car to warn of engine overheating. This indicates that something is wrong. You have to stop and see what you can do. If you can't do anything yourself, find someone you trust and who is competent in the matter. Whichever path you choose, most importantly, do not waste time on self-pity and lamentations on the topics "How unhappy I am" and "How bad you are."

Do what we talked about in the chapter on systems. Transform your family into a research group instead of blaming society for your troubles. You see how things change when you look at difficult problem situations as alarms. You don't have to pull your hair out and blame yourself and others. Hair will still come in handy for you, better be glad that you received and noticed this signal in time. Of course, this is not so pleasant, but you are honest with yourself and you can find a way out.

I once worked with a family. A father and mother came to me with a 22-year-old son who had serious problems with the psyche. When the course was over, the father with tears in his eyes hugged his son and said: "Thank you for your illness, it helped me to recover." Every time I remember it, it touches me.

I've already talked about the pitfalls that arise when you transfer the parenting model to your family. One of these moments is an attempt by a parent to give his child what he himself was deprived of in childhood. It also has its pros and cons.

Let me give you a vivid example. After Christmas, a young woman came to see me, let's call her Elaine. She was very angry with her 6-year-old daughter Pamela. For months Elaine denied herself everything, just to buy her daughter an expensive beautiful doll, and Pamela took the gift for granted, almost not reacting to the doll. Of course, the mother felt hurt and disappointed. Outwardly, this manifested itself as anger. After some time working with me, Elaine realized that this doll was just a child's pipe dream for herself. She gave it to her daughter and expected the reaction she would have had in childhood if she had been given this doll. She did not attach any importance to the fact that Pamela already had several beautiful dolls. The girl would be much happier if she was given a sled so that she could ride with her brothers. When we clarified the situation, everything fell into place, Elaine realized that she bought this doll for herself, fulfilling her childhood dream, and her daughter had nothing to do with it.

And really, what's wrong with the fact that an adult can take and fulfill his childhood dream openly, for himself, without trying to replace himself with his children. Children rarely gladly accept gifts that do not correspond to their wishes, at least until they have learned to hide their displeasure.

That is why many parents, when giving children different toys, put many restrictions. I mean a situation where fathers buy a railroad for their children, then play with them, setting strict rules on when and how children can play it. How much more correct it would be for parents to buy this railroad for themselves and play it as much as they like, and, perhaps, sometimes let the children play.

Many parents disguise their unfulfilled dreams as caring for the future of their children. They often want the child to become what they themselves could not become in their time: “I want him to become a musician. I love music so much. " Parents choose a future for the child that would suit them in his place, but this does not mean that it will suit him too. Maslow once said that trying to impose his plans on a child and expect him to fulfill his own hopes is equal to putting on a straitjacket that constrains his movements. In most cases, the child does not share the thoughts of his parents about his own future, but it is difficult for him to contradict them. After all, many adults complain about how their life turned out due to the fact that in childhood they could not do it their own way without offending their parents. Parents' attachments to their past, to unfulfilled dreams and hopes become part of upbringing and are embodied in children. They can be called shadows from the past, darkening the present.

If you are still internally dependent on your parents, you will not be able to act freely and effectively because of the fear of criticism from the older generation. This situation can make your relationship with your children distorted, insincere, fake. Some complexes may suddenly appear that you did not know about. Let's call this the parenting hands. A thirty-four-year-old man, the father of the family, never scolded the child in a direct manner, because his father always sided with his grandson and argued with his son. And the man was afraid to argue with his father since childhood. Thus, he dishonestly and unfairly treated his son, although this was not laid down by him in his family model.

I often wonder how people could change if they suddenly put into practice all our knowledge of how to increase the self-esteem of each person. Despite the available knowledge, we, oddly enough, have the opposite results. We have the 10 Commandments, the Golden Rules and the Bill of Rights, and they have been around for quite some time. It seems to me that having goals, we are only now beginning to lift the veil over the means of achieving them.

We have almost all the necessary knowledge, but it is concentrated in the hands of professionals. (It is assumed that this is so.) The trouble is that people with serious problems come to the specialists. I do not want to belittle the role of family psychotherapists, but so far the system of their work is such that they cover only small groups of people related by family relationships. We do not give the art of building relationships the value it deserves, perhaps because there is prejudice, self-doubt and ignorance of the realities.

Let's now talk about the so-called "parental guises" that people put on like clothes or throw on themselves like cloaks. I mean by this the aspect of an adult's life that concerns interaction with a child, his parental care, custody, and helping the child. This is relevant only as long as the child is still small, dependent, dependent and needs constant help. The problem is that these capes become familiar, never change or fall off. The key factor underlying your family life is the type of disguise you choose and whether you feel the need to wear it all the time.

Three main types of disguises can be distinguished: "boss", "leader and guide" and "buddy". There is a fourth type - the absence of any parental care. Fortunately, such people are few.

The “boss” implies three hypostases: a tyrant who abuses his power, an omniscient and a model of virtue. (“I am the authority; do what I say.”) He usually acts as an accuser. The second hypostasis is a martyr, an altruist, whose holy goal is to serve his neighbor. He assures others that no attention should be paid to him, and acts as a peacemaker. (“Don't mind me, just be happy.”) The third is a stone-faced man who lectures and teaches what is good and what is bad.

A “buddy” is a playmate who indulges everything and forgives everything and does not accept any responsibility. (“I couldn't do anything.”) This is not the best option - irresponsibility in children develops precisely with such parents.

We pay dearly for our mistakes and abuses. Of these types, the worst is a tyrant who raises faceless, overly obedient children. In each case, I repeatedly identify the reasons for this behavior. They lie in low self-esteem, various complexes that people try to play on others, in particular on children. His ways of acting speak of his ignorance, immaturity, rejection of himself. The child becomes a victim of low self-esteem and lack of self-esteem.

When I dealt with such adults, my first reaction was unpleasant physical sensations, including nausea. When this passed, I saw in these people grown up children who grew up in certain circumstances and are now trying to educate their children as they can. And I roll up my sleeves and get to work to help these adults and their children overcome shame, ignorance, complexes.

They really need real help, because the only "help" they get in life is punishment in one form or another, and it only aggravates the situation. Someday people will understand that no amount of punishment will teach a person to be better, be it an adult or a child. Fortunately, there are not many people in the world who abuse children. Nevertheless, prisons, psychiatric clinics and various institutions are filled with such people. All sorts of crimes are enough for the chronicles of many newspapers, magazines and television programs.

Many parents often feel like slapping a child on the neck for some kind of offense, but only a few do it without hesitation. The same thing happens with children. It is very rare that children raised in obedience and obedience do not become tyrants or martyrs, unless significant changes occur in their lives. I do not understand how justice can be taught by raising children in strict obedience. If what we need in this world is to learn justice and reasoning. A person who cannot reason for himself becomes a tool in the hands of other people, since he was taught only to obey. He acts according to the scheme: “There is one correct way. So I must do the same. "

I faced this so much that I decided to conduct a seemingly stupid experiment. I tried to count how many ways to wash dishes. I counted 247. You probably know people who say that you can wash dishes only in any one way, for example, before washing it, you must rinse it or wash it only with a certain soap, etc. After you have been with such a person in the same kitchen, you want to kill him. I think that such things are the cause of many quarrels and even showdown with the help of force.

When people say: “This is so because I said so” or “You have to do so because I said so” - every time they hurt their interlocutor, because these words are equivalent to: “You are a stupid, worthless person. I know better what to do. " Such attitudes affect the self-esteem of an adult, lowering it, but the self-esteem of children especially suffers from them.

In neither of the two types of "disguises" can a positive, trusting contact be established between the child and the parent. Effective parenting cannot be carried out in an atmosphere of mistrust, fear, or indifference. I have not been too biased to describe the three manifestations of the parent-"boss", but, unfortunately, this is the real state of affairs.

I would advise all parents to try to be leaders and helpers, to be kind, strict, inspiring and understanding people who do not force their children to do one way or another, but advise them, temporarily directing them in the right direction. When people become parents, they have many responsibilities, they can no longer live for their own pleasure, they have to give up their former joys. This is generally accepted. But I am sure otherwise. Any everyday worries and problems will look completely different if people are determined to enjoy communicating with each other. I have met many people who did not know at all what the joy of communication is. Instead of enjoying communication with loved ones, they tried to earn approval, avoid dissatisfaction, and please their partner.

I remember a young couple who told me that, having a very good close relationship and enjoying communicating with each other, they decided to do everything so that the same relationship developed with their child. That was 15 years ago, and today their relationship is wonderful. I get great pleasure from communicating with them. They already have three children and their relationship is great.

One of the components of the art of having fun is the ability to change, flexibility, curiosity, a sense of humor. Agree, the situation when a 5-year-old child spills milk on the table can have a completely different outcome. It depends on what kind of relationship system exists in his family. My friends, Laura and Josh, would say, “Oops! You gave the glass to rule your hand. You must talk to your hand so that it remembers that it controls objects, and not they to her. Let's go to the kitchen for a rag and clean everything here. " They go to the kitchen together, laughing and joking. I hear Josh say, “You know Dave, I remember the same thing happened to me. I did something like this and felt terrible. And how are you?" To which Dave replies: “Yes, I also feel awkward. Mom will have to clean it all up. I really didn't want to. "

I can also imagine this situation in another family, in the family of El and Ethel. Ethel grabs Dave by the hand, pulls him from the table, shakes him and says after Al, leaving the room: “I don't know what I'm going to do with this child. A real idiot grows out of him. "

Another couple, Edith and Henry, would react like this: the milk spills, Henry looks at Edith, raises his eyebrows and continues to eat in complete silence. Edith quietly gets up, wipes the table and looks very expressively at Dave. The behavior style of the first couple differs for the better in all respects. No one is offended here, there are no negative emotions, except for Dave's experience, which are absolutely fair. The same cannot be said about the other two cases. What do you think about this?

Does it happen in your family that everyone is just happy to communicate with each other? If you think that doesn't happen, think about what you can do. I can't imagine how people can love each other if they don't get the joy of communication as such.

This is one of the main values \u200b\u200bof our life. How can you teach all your family members to love and respect each other? The first step is self-love. Can you truly enjoy yourself? Do you like to be alone sometimes? Some people think they are opposing themselves to society if they allow themselves to be immersed in their world. They believe that you can do either one thing or the other, that is, either love yourself or society. I believe the opposite is true. If you cannot get joy from communicating with yourself, you will think how bad you are and that something is wrong with you, and as a result, infect others with your mood.

For a child, the process of knowing himself begins with knowing his body, and at the same time he begins to somehow relate to himself - either love, or hesitate. He knows parts of his body, colors and sounds around him.

When a child sees how adults like him, he himself begins to treat himself accordingly and understand that a person can also be admired, enjoyed and enjoyed from communication.

Along with this, he develops a sense of beauty. To be honest, we do very little to develop all these feelings in a child. In the overwhelming majority of families, upbringing is reduced to the fact that the experience of hard work, family scandals and a feeling of heaviness is passed on to them. I was very interested in the fact that when I worked with adults: I helped them get rid of their barriers and complexes, I tried to teach them to have fun, each of them showed a lot of good things, and it turned out that they can communicate easily and freely. You cannot imagine what a burden people carry in the form of negative emotions, problems and concerns. It is not surprising that many children do not want to be adults, because "being an adult is not interesting."

I don’t think having fun and enjoying life means being stupid and incompetent. I will say more, you cannot be a truly professional without enjoying your work and without feeling a certain ease of attitude towards it (not indifference!). It is very important to be able to laugh at yourself and understand jokes. All this again comes from the family. If everything your parents told you were to be taken as if it was exceptional wisdom, you have little chance of developing a sense of humor.

You need to understand that when people become dads and moms, they do not cease to be ordinary people. They just have more responsibilities and concerns. I have been in many families where seriousness and concentration hang in the air like a fog, and children are so obedient that it seemed to me that they were not people, but angels or ghosts. There are houses where they maintain such cleanliness that I personally felt like a towel that was specially sterilized. I doubt that in such an environment, self-love and an adequate perception of oneself and others can appear.

What is the atmosphere in your family? Attitude to love, all basic ideas about relationships are laid in the family. Have you ever tried to analyze what the feeling of love is like? When I love, I feel extraordinary lightness, my vitality rises, I feel pleasant excitement, openness and trust in a person. I feel my own value and need, I am able to perfectly understand the person towards whom my love is directed. I do not put pressure on a loved one, I try to look at the world through his eyes, share his ideas, accept his beliefs. I really like this feeling. I consider love to be the highest manifestation of all that is good in a person.

In the process of work, I realized that there are very few families with the same attitude to love. Everyone talks mainly about experiences, misunderstandings, disappointment in each other. So much effort is spent on establishing life and doing everything necessary that there is no longer time and desire for anything else.

We talked about the problems and the worst aspects of family life. Before we try to find solutions to these problems, I want to tell you something else.

I am reminded of the story of Robert Benchley. He was a college student and in his final exam he was supposed to write about fish breeding and how they treat their offspring. Robert did not open the textbook for the entire semester and began his work with the following words: "The issue of fish reproduction has received a lot of attention, it has been studied from all sides, except one: no one has ever tried to look at the problem from the perspective of the fish themselves." And so on, the whole work was written in this spirit. It was probably the funniest exam paper at Harvard.

So, having devoted so many pages to the problem of starting a family, now consider the situation from the point of view of children.

Like everyone else, I was little, and like everyone else, I don't remember anything special from my childhood. Only some episodes that seemed important then. Since then, I have observed a lot of how children communicate with their parents, and I myself communicated a lot with them. I also studied literature about the peculiarities of children's thinking and psyche.

According to the latest studies, all feelings awaken in children within a few hours after birth. Fifty years ago, there was an opinion that small children are not sensitive, they were not considered full-fledged people. We now know that this is not the case.

So, I'll try to see the world through the eyes of little Joey, who is about two weeks old.

“Sometimes my body gives me unpleasant sensations. When I'm wrapped too tight, my back hurts and I can't turn around. When I am hungry, my stomach makes itself felt, and when we eat, it starts to hurt. It is very unpleasant when the sun is shining in my eyes, because I cannot move away. Sometimes I am in the sun for too long and get minor burns. Sometimes they dress me too hot, and sometimes I, on the contrary, feel cold. It happens that your eyes start to hurt or you get bored looking at bare walls. My hands often go numb if I was swaddled too tightly. It is very unpleasant to lie in wet diapers for a long time - irritation begins. Sometimes there is constipation, and there are unpleasant sensations in the intestines. My skin is constantly weathered in the wind. I feel very keenly when the bathing water is colder or hotter than necessary. "

“I am often touched by different people, and when they squeeze me too hard, it hurts. Sometimes I am held too tightly, and sometimes I am afraid that I will be dropped. These numerous hands do whatever they want to me: throw me up, push me, squeeze me, hold me so I don't fall. Sometimes they really hurt me when they lift one hand or when, when changing diapers, they hold my legs like a hare. Sometimes it seems to me that they want to strangle me when they are being pressed too tightly to me, so that I cannot breathe. "

“Another terrible moment is when someone suddenly brings their huge head right up to my face. It seems to me that this giant will crush me. Whenever it hurts, I cry. This is the only way for me to make it clear that I am in pain. But people don't always understand what I want to say. Sounds around me are pleasant, and sometimes they give me a headache. Then I start crying too. I can also cry if I smell a bad smell.

Dad and Mom almost always pay attention to my crying. They even get it right what I want. But sometimes it seems to me that they just want me to shut up and let them do business. They scold me a little in their arms, as if I were a bag, and put me back. Then it gets worse for me. I understand that they have other things to do. "

“When I am touched and stroked by people who love me, all unpleasant physical sensations disappear. It seems to me that these people understand me. I try to help them with this. I try to cry in different ways, depending on what I need. I really love when people talk to me in a calm, gentle voice. I also love when my mother looks at me, especially when she looks into my eyes.

I'm sure she is unaware that her hands sometimes hurt me, and her voice is too harsh. If she knew, she would try to change. She is very distracted at times. Sometimes I am even afraid of her when she speaks loudly and makes sudden movements. When she comes up to me at such moments, I involuntarily lean back, and she really does not like it. She thinks that I do not love her. Then dad comes up to me. He very gently takes me in his arms, and I feel safe and secure. I see that he also really likes to communicate with me. And then I hear Mom and Dad fighting. I'm sure it's because of me. Maybe I shouldn't have cried. "

“And sometimes it seems to me that my mother does not understand that my body reacts to everything in the same way as hers. Wish I could tell her. If she knew that I have a very good hearing, she would not say a lot of things about me to her friends when I am next to me in my crib. One day she said, "Joe will probably look like Uncle Jim." And she burst into tears. Later I found out that Uncle Jim is my mother's beloved brother, a very good person, and she cried because he died in an accident while she was driving. If I knew all this at once, I would not think that she was crying because of me, I would immediately understand that she remembers him, looking at me. I would advise adults to tell everything to their kids, regardless of age. Otherwise, the child will understand this or that phrase incorrectly and will worry. "

“When I was born, I lay on my back all the time and managed to study everyone well from this position. I know every little detail of chins. I saw everything that was above, I saw it from below and was sure that this is how it really is.

When I learned to sit, I was very surprised. Starting to crawl, I saw that there was something under me too, and I learned what ankles and feet are. When I learned to stand, I found out that there are also knees. I was only 60 centimeters tall when I got to my feet. Looking back at my mother, I saw her chin from a completely different side. Her arms were very large. Often, when I stand between Mom and Dad, it seems that they are somewhere far from me, so at times I feel uncomfortable and I feel very small.

“When I learned to walk, my mother and I went to the store to buy vegetables. Mom was in a hurry and held my hand. She walked so fast that my feet barely touched the ground. My arm ached and I cried, and my mother was angry. I don’t think she understood the reason for my tears: she was walking on two legs and her hands were in a normal position, and I barely had time to move my legs, my hand was very uncomfortable, and I lost my balance all the time.

“I remember how tired my hands were when the three of us walked, and my father and mother held my hands. Dad is taller than Mom, so one of my hands was higher than the other, and I was somewhat skewed. My feet didn't feel the ground at all. My father had a wide stride, and I could not manage to get to the beat. When I could no longer endure, I asked my father to take me in his arms. He thought I was just tired and carried me in his arms. Despite the fact that overall that time was very good, many similar moments remain in my memory. "

“It seems to me that my parents have started attending some classes. They have changed a lot. Now, when they want to talk to me, they lean towards me and look into my eyes, and I don't have to lift my head. "

(I always look children in the eye at their level, bending over or squatting.)

Since first impressions are so strong and deep, I wonder if the image of parents is really something very big, personifying strength and power. On the one hand, the child feels protected, and on the other hand, small and defenseless in front of them.

I have already spoken about this, but it's not a sin to repeat it again. A child is really absolutely defenseless and helpless in front of an adult. Parents, of course, understand this and treat him accordingly, but often this attitude lasts much longer than necessary. So, an 18-year-old son or daughter is still small in the eyes of parents, no matter how independent and adult the child has become. The child's memory can retain the image of the parents as a symbol of power, while he himself already provides for their old age. Those rare parents who are aware of these moments will try to instill in the child self-confidence, convince him of his own importance and show the limits of his own strength. At the same time, they themselves become a model for the child. If the parents do not do this, the person grows up infantile and becomes a burden for everyone or simply puts pressure on others.

When I realized that a child's body, like an adult, reacts to the world around him, and all senses begin to work two hours after birth, when I realized that his brain is functioning with might and main to figure out what is happening, although he cannot tell about my experiences, I began to treat him as a full-fledged person. The brain is the most amazing of all computers, constantly seeking meaning in everything. Like a computer, our brain "does not know what it does not know," that is, it can operate only with the information that it has.

Here is one of the exercises I do with my parents.

One adult takes the position of a child who does not yet know how to speak, but only lies on his back in the crib. He should only respond with gestures and sounds. A couple more adults bend over him and try to do what they usually do with babies, guided by his attempts to explain what he wants. Each adult takes turns in the child's position. After 5 minutes of playing, I ask everyone to tell us what they thought and felt. In the middle of one of the situations, I play either a doorbell or a phone call. At the same time, I try to choose the moment when the child wants something. Then each one tells how the outside interference affected him. If you like it, try it yourself.

This is a very simple way - to explain to an adult what a child feels and how this experience affects his further development.

Baby's first impressions are the touch of hands, sounds of voices, smells. His attitude to people depends on how he is treated and talked, and the foundations for the development of his psyche are laid. He has to immediately learn to decipher intonation, touch, sounds and smells. The world of a newborn must be extremely complex and intimidated.

I am sure that by the time the child himself can walk, eat, speak, he already has a fully formed idea of \u200b\u200blife. In the future, life will only make slight adjustments. The child must learn how to relate to himself, people and phenomena. Here the decisive role is played by how you decided to educate him, what and how you will teach him.

Any training is multifaceted. While the baby is learning to walk, he simultaneously acquires knowledge about the ways of communication, and then makes up his own opinion on how to build relationships with people, from whom what to expect. He also learns something about the world that surrounds him from phrases like “Don't touch! Drop it! "

In the first three years, he learns more than in the rest of his life. Never again will there be so much new information emerging in such a short time frame.

And the influence of the luggage accumulated in the first years of life is much greater than one might imagine. If parents understand all this, they are much more attentive to the connection between what they are doing for the child and the colossal work that the child does himself, trying to learn something. Due to ignorance, many parents do not perceive their child as a person until he goes to school, and some even before the child leaves the family.

Many family problems are a direct result of parental ignorance and misunderstanding. We pay too much attention to discipline and forget about mutual understanding.

There are three more problematic points in education. They are not easy to eliminate, because they are at the very bottom of the “iceberg” of visible and invisible aspects of relationships.

The first is ignorance, that is, when a person simply does not know. And if you are not aware of the existence of something, then it will never occur to you that you can try to get to know it.

The second moment is when your communication with people does not give a positive result, because you have a very vague idea of \u200b\u200bwhat you want and what is the essence of the phenomenon.

Many parents are often surprised at how children sometimes understand seemingly innocent phrases or situations, although they are trying to instill something completely different in them. For example, I know a couple who tried to teach their children not to be racist. They invited a Negro boy into the house. When he left, mother asked the children if they liked his curly hair. But she asked this in a tone that implied a negative reaction, emphasizing their differences. If people are more attentive to such things, they can imagine in advance what the child will take out of the situation.

I remember another incident. A young mother answered her 6-year-old son Alex when asked about how children appear. She spoke a lot and difficult, and a few days later Alex, very puzzled, asked her: "Mom, was it hard for you to stand on your head?" The mother in disbelief asked what he meant, to which Alex replied: "Well, when dad was planting seeds." Mother very incomprehensibly told about the fertilization process, and Alex himself completed the picture.

The third tricky part is your value system. It should be very clear and precise for yourself, only then the child can assimilate it. And if you cannot directly say what is, the situation will be like this: "Do as I say, but not as I do," or: "Why are you asking me? Think yourself". Any of these answers will instill in the child's soul doubts about your sincerity.

As I already said, all the foundations of the understanding of the world are laid at the very beginning, in the first years of life. Everyone who raised a child leaves a mark on his soul and consciousness, teach him a certain attitude towards life, which later forms his own views on raising children.

We can now move on to the next chapter, where we will look at the problem of parenting in more detail.