How to stop being a victim in relationship reviews. The Former Victim is the inner Child. Pride in your own sacrifice

We covered in a previous article. Today I want to tell you why you shouldn't be a lifeguard and how to stop being a victim.

To explain why "Rescuers" do not save anyone, but on the contrary - they harm,let us turn to the well-known model of behavior of the victim, pursuer and rescuer. This is the model described by therapist Stephen Karpman back in 1968 called the Karpman Dramatic Triangle.

In healthy families, such triangles are found in a very mild form, not fixed as a permanent type of behavior. This happens often when faced with a new situation or when there are not enough resources to solve it.

Healthy families have many resources that they use to solve problem situations:they discuss, talk to each other, there is closeness, trust and warmth in a relationship.

Therefore, having fallen into such a triangle in some situation, they understand the "immaturity" of such a solution to the problem and are looking for the most comfortable and effective way out.

If you are still a victim, it means that it is beneficial for you.

In co-dependent families, everything is a little different, their relationship is this triangle. Karpman believed that: "If a certain game is going on, if there is a certain relationship, they are beneficial to all participants in the system.Otherwise, everything would just fall apart. If you are involved in something, you need it for some reason.

Communication within this triangle is a very effective way not to take responsibility for your actions and decisions, as well as to receive strong emotions as a reward for this and the right not to solve your problems (since others are to blame for this). "

What is the peculiarity of the triangle? The transition from one role to another - the victim often becomes a stalker and vice versa.

If you want to help - help to grow up!

Role reversals within the triangle can often be seen in violent situations: the husband (aggressor / persecutor) beats his wife (victim), the wife, in search of a rescuer, calls (the police), becoming at the same second an aggressor towards the husband-victim, and while this very police (rescuer) gets to the victim (wife), she still on the way, she becomes an aggressor in relation to her husband-victim, and the wife-savior “fights off” her husband from the police.

Therefore, if you really want to help your sister / girlfriend / acquaintance to cope with this situation - do not support her sacrificial position, including the savior!

Your help can be helpful if you return her to an adult position:

• Public protest:

Suitable in relationships with those who are not particularly close, or the relationship comes down to business: “I'm sorry that you have to worry about this, but this is your relationship and only you can figure it out!

• "Wake the beast"

Suitable in situations where the victim is in a state of complete helplessness and weakness and it is necessary to revive the energy: “You're right, it's awful to do that, he's a bastard! But you are a real rag, unable even to stand up for yourself. "

You should be careful with this method, as due to low energy levels and low self-esteem, such speeches can drive the victim into an even greater impasse. But it invigorates some and brings them to their senses.

• Driving to the point of absurdity

Another effective technique. One of the goals of the victim who draws you 105 times into the discussion of their situation is to avoid responsibility for analyzing the situation, leaving it to you. Therefore, it is important that responsibility remains with the owner:

- Masha, he is such a scoundrel, can you imagine what you did yesterday ...

- You're right, you can't live like that! Divorce!

- He ruined my whole life!

- Divorce tomorrow!

- Where should I go? And live on what?

- Well then, do not get divorced

• Return to real business

This method helps well to return a person from the world of dreams to real life:

- He is such a scoundrel (wave of indignation)!

-You are my friend and must respect yourself! I do not want to listen to your suffering - take yourself in hand. If you don't want to be a rag, take care of yourself! here's the number of your hairdresser / makeup artist / psychologist / fitness club / English courses.

• Clarifying the request

Many will try to object, they say, and so the request is clear: "Hear / support", but in reality it is not. Often the victim turns in search of salvation, although she herself does not know what exactly she needs from you.

She unconsciously pulls you in as a rescuer, and you, pulling in, feel not satisfaction from having helped, but an additional burden, irritation and guilt. So, you answer the next call of your friend:

- I hear that you feel bad now, but try to formulate what kind of help you would like from me now? What exactly can I do for you?

If the conversation turns into a constructive channel, great. If you feel that she is not able to explain anything, she squishes, say that you can continue only if she gives vent to tears and weeps out everything first. Then try again.

The method is good because it avoids any manipulation. - You are ready to be there and help, but it is important for you to understand what exactly this help should consist of.

What if you want to stop being a victim?

• Realizing that what is happening in your family is not normal

Often it is difficult for women living with such a person to adequately assess the degree of "abnormality" of what is happening.

This happens for various reasons:

- if the tyrant husband earns a lot of money and fully provides for his family, then very often this is almost the main argument in favor of the fact that everything is in order: "He works so hard, gets tired, sometimes breaks down, what to do ..."

- a woman's low self-esteem can justify literally everything a man does, these arguments, as a rule, begin with the same phrase: "I myself am to blame ..." (gave cause for jealousy, cooked the wrong borscht, left one with a capricious child, etc.) The list goes on and on.

- fear of responsibility for yourself and your life makes a woman after another "incident" quickly devalue her feelings and experiences and believe that "nothing terrible happened", well, or live in some reality of her own, in which (as in the case of my friend) all married women face with this.

• Realize why you need a tyrant husband?

Ask yourself, what hidden benefit do you have from living with a tyrant? The answer to this question can be given with great effort and unpleasant feelings, because you have to admit to yourself in avoiding responsibility.

Around such a person, there are always many sympathizers and really forgiving everything. And most importantly, it allows you to forgive yourself for everything, and this is also a form of irresponsibility.

• Take responsibility

If you decide to end this painful relationship, then taking responsibility for yourself is an inevitable step. Only you and no one else are responsible for your life and your relationships!

Of course, it was not you who made a tyrant out of your husband, but you chose just such a man, you live with him because you want this, it brings you certain bonuses.

Therefore, you have to choose:on one side of the scale - self-respect, healthy relationships + responsibility. And on the other - an irresponsible life under the tutelage of a tyrant + humiliation, suffering, a sense of one's own insignificance and depression. And depression is not the worst outcome ...

I know one story in which everything ended more pitifully: a woman fell ill with schizophrenia ... It was the only way she could get away from reality. The choice is yours.

• We change ourselves

Or rather, we change our old worldview and attitudes to new ones - effective and healthy. Enlist the support of relatives and friends, I am sure that in this decision of yours, many will be ready to support you.

Read books, articles. But do not neglect the help of a specialist psychologist, do not forget that your fears of responsibility may be based on deep unconscious reasons, which only a specialist can help to cope with.

There are specialized group sessions where you can learn that you are not alone with your problem and get support from the “sisters in misfortune”, as well as get qualified specialist help. Or you can choose an individual format of work, so who is more suitable for someone.

• Improving self-esteem

The first step in this direction may be the decision to get a dusty diploma and go to work. For some, such a step would be a trip to a manicure / pedicure.

Everything is important that will help you feel strong, smart, beautiful, etc.Of particular importance are some specific actions, the result of which can be measured - work, hobby, hobby, study - choose for yourself. Your goal is to begin to respect yourself and receive that respect and recognition from others.

• Rebuilding relationships with a tyrant husband

All you need to do is “quit the game”, ie. stop playing the victim. Imagine that there is a stranger in your husband's place - do you need to be offended by him?

And to prove his innocence or his wrong? No. So you don't owe your tyrant husband anything either.

As long as you are reacting emotionally, you are included in this game and it continues. As soon as you can get out of the game even a little, the situation will begin to change.

The main "pitfall" of this game may be that having lost the "object of confirmation of his power" the tyrant will become very difficult. In the process of the so-called “withdrawal”, he is capable of the most nasty deeds. In the best case, he will find a "savior", ie mistress.

When one of the participants in this game leaves it and "recovers", it is not at all necessary that the other will recover too, he must want this himself, and this does not always happen.

Therefore, as a rule, such families break up. But it's up to you to decide - to live your life freely and happily, or to be a “punching bag”, serving someone’s complexes and injuries all your life.

Dear Readers! Have you ever witnessed scenes of domestic violence? Have you ever acted as a rescuer or victim? We are waiting for your comments!

Tired of rudeness in public transport and the insolence of colleagues? Even the closest people and best friends constantly betray? So maybe it's just you?

Why is everyone yelling at someone, while others are afraid to even touch a finger?

The most common complaint of all “victims” is: “Why are they always shouting at me, and everyone who is not lazy? Why are they afraid to touch some people, while boors single out one of me from a huge crowd? Why do I always attract such people and why did they decide that they can attack me and vent their anger? "

Indeed, according to research by psychologists, there is such a phenomenon as "victimization". This is the character trait that causes irritation and anger of other people, and even calling them to crime. And even in court, sometimes, when a case of an attack or robbery is being dealt with, the defensive side may talk about the victim's victimhood, which provoked the offender. And, since there are not only thieves and rapists around us, other people, in response to victimhood, simply shout, offend, or stick to "drink blood."

And here are the signs of victimization:

• Sloppy appearance, scattered look. Energy vampires will stick to such a person in the first place and will tear their nerves with pleasure;
• Forgetfulness and carelessness, when a wallet sticks out of your pocket, and more than half of the bags you carry with you are left in the minibus;
• Awkwardness and delayed reaction - they like to laugh at such;
• Overly revealing sexy clothes that attract maniacs and turn on normal men. And normal men, in turn, suppress desire in themselves, which invariably goes sideways in the form of aggression - naturally, to the object of desire. Therefore, if men are constantly shouting at you in transport that you have crushed their leg, then interfere with standing, then something else - a skirt, then you need to wear shorter clothes.
• Desire for something bad. This happens when a girl grew up in a family where there was constant aggression and violence, and therefore she just got used to this and sometimes can no longer live without emotional outbursts.

So, on the one hand, you need to work on yourself, and on the other, you need to protect your interests.

Will aggression help solve problems?

To all those who, because of their own cowardice and fearfulness, most often think that if they just bark a good bark at the unbelted boor, then all those around them will certainly respect the former coward. This is something like a child's "When I grow up, I'll show you all!" But in fact, even a pumped-up man who has nothing to fear will not always begin to teach a lesson to someone insolent. And not because he is lazy - it's just that most people understand well that getting involved with aggressors is more expensive for themselves, and not worth their nerves or their health.

And many more have long understood that the problem cannot be solved by retaliatory aggression. This is when a colleague at work loses his girdle, you can still take some measures, even if reciprocal. But in simple situations it is better to leave, avoid conflict. This is both wiser and more grown-up than boiling from the inside, and then waving your hands in front of the mirror at home. Or even worse - start quarreling and get into a fight. "The best victory in a fight is not a fight that has started," says popular wisdom.

Is it worth re-educating other people?

Aggression always gives rise to reciprocal aggression, and evil gives rise to evil. Of course, in situations where a life or career collapses because of someone's attacks, it is imperative to take radical measures. But in other cases, you always need to weigh well - is it necessary to re-educate a boor? And most importantly - will it work? And for how long?

That is why it is absolutely pointless to try to deal with street drunkenness, overweight bureaucrats, transport boors and bosses who imagine themselves to be gods.

“One day a woman, after being yelled at by the boss, left the office, sat down on a bench and died of a heart attack.” Why were you so worried? Why did you take everything so to heart? But resentment, negative emotions - this is a struggle, only hidden. With what and why did she fight? Was there a chance to change a person who was insolent and choked with power? ...

How many accidents happen in a regular metro or minibus. One cheated one, the second one knocked or pushed, and the result is disability. Why re-educate an adult? Today the boor was gagged, and tomorrow he will already arrange a concert in another minibus. This is such a psychology. After all, it is much better to move away from an unpleasant person or just strictly pacify him. Why waste your nerves and let a real vampire drink blood? Do you have too much of it? :)

And finally, according to crime statistics, more than 60% of murders occur at the household level. This is sad. After all, this means that at least every second killer is a previously normal person who has lost his temper. Of course, even the best friends are capable of becoming sworn enemies within one walls, and it is common for a person to get irritated from the habits and way of life of the other. But, the more you show aggression towards another, teach him to live, eat and sleep, the more this aggression will be in response. Don't like your brother's antics? Stop quarreling and expressing hurtful words to each other, stop generating hatred for yourself and then consider yourself offended by everyone. Leave the person alone - everyone has the right to live the way he wants. And if you cannot refrain from moralizing - rent a house. Here's a simple solution.

And do not pay attention to the saleswoman who has cheated you. Once the queens of the counter felt like goddesses, and even in the villages there was no more prestigious and profitable profession. They humiliated themselves in front of the saleswomen, were free, it was profitable to make friends with them. But the Soviet times have passed, but arrogance has not left all the "girls". And you don't need to knock her down. The fact that someone can be re-educated by society is a myth. So, for example, it happened in one of the capital's grocery stores. The decor was changed, the renovation was done to match the European, and the counters were full of goods. But the saleswomen, the staff of which the management decided not to change (why?), Drank tea in the locker in chorus all day, and continued. And the indignation of the buyers who had become bolder after the changes was answered with outright rudeness. And so it went on for more than one month, and not one scandalous old woman could change anything. Until one day an old man came into the grocery store and asked for a complaint book after another portion of rudeness. Naturally, he did not receive it, but in response to the saleswoman's request they called the police and said that in the store "a man is shouting and insulting people." The result - the old man was taken away by an ambulance with a heart. But children and grandchildren were waiting at home. For whom and why did he start this fight? The only plus in this story is that the incident was recorded from eyewitnesses and ended up in the capital's newspaper. Only after that, the grocery store was closed, the saleswomen were fired, and later this building was rented a mini-market with other staff. But after all, how many years before the collapse of the USSR and months in the new country every day in these walls shouted at other people. And how many tried to answer - and nothing happened. The tank cannot be stopped by yourself.

When is a fight still needed?

Of course, it is not always necessary to avoid a dangerous situation or keep silent in response to rudeness. In those cases when it makes sense and even necessary to correct a person, it is worth trying to fight. So, for example, there is a wonderful example in history.

“Once a prominent, healthy man entered a crowded bus. Glancing around at the seated, he walked over to the 42-year-old woman and began forcing her to stand up and give him a seat. The woman refused, for which she paid - at the next stop she was arrested by the police ... "

Yes, this story is not only true - it thundered all over the world. And even this very bus was recently bought for a huge amount of money as a memory of that incident. But the woman became so famous not at all because she was arrested for refusing to give way to a healthier man - it was completely legal. Because it was 1955, and according to the American law then in force, all colored people (mestizos, blacks, Indians) were obliged to give up seats on the bus to whites - regardless of whether the people sitting were sick or holding small children in their arms. Those who disobeyed were simply arrested and imprisoned. And this is in spite of the fact that in city buses it was possible to sit down on empty seats "colored" only where there was an offensive "color" sign. And even from there, according to the law, they could be driven out by the "white" who entered. But once the cup of patience of this part of the population simply burst, and the audacious act of not the most courageous woman gave impetus to one of the most famous events in the world. Strikes began, and even sympathetic whites joined the blacks. In general, the strike lasted 381 days, and all this time the buses were empty ... Isn't it true that good patience and perseverance turned out to be among those who have long been accustomed to constant insults and ridicule?

If you have decided once and for all to abandon the image of a "victim", start working on yourself:

• Raise, finally, your head and look at others with a confident and bold look. You are no worse than others, absolutely in nothing. And don't let someone convince you otherwise.
• Learn to protect yourself. And for this you do not need to go to boxing classes at all - according to famous bodyguards, even an ordinary ballpoint pen can become a serious weapon against the enemy. Just know this and you will be calmer.
• Understand why people are able to ruffle the nerves of another out of the blue. Basically, these are two reasons: the desire to drink blood (energy) and the desire to assert itself at the expense of another. The best way to resist such an offender is not to cry and flap your eyelashes, but to scrutinize the screamer from top to bottom with a raised eyebrow. Usually the aggressor is completely infuriated by this.
• Understand who of your people around you are friends, and who just uses you. And communicate only with those people who are pleasant to you, respect you and make life easier, and not with those who plunge you into depression and complicate everything for no reason.
• Love yourself and love those around you. When a person is benevolent and just glows, few people dare to spoil his mood. Become a kind of sun, in the rays of which you can bask - and you will be grateful.

So how do you stop being a victim? Get rid of victimhood, but do not be like aggressors and boors. Find the middle ground and develop patience and optimism. Do not be afraid to radically change your life if these changes are for the better!

A lot of people complain that they are completely unlucky in life. And it seems that things are really not going well for them: there are problems in the family, things are not going well at work, relatives and friends at every step strive to criticize, do some meanness. How to stop being a victim when everyone turns away from you? What should be done to address such pressing issues? How not to lose your personality in this maelstrom of events?

The most important thing that distinguishes this inner feeling of being worthless and weak. This is how most losers feel. It seems to them that they all intentionally want to offend. Sometimes it even reaches the point of absurdity, and any contact is perceived as a way to get benefits from their person. This article is devoted to the question of how to get rid of the feeling of inner dissatisfaction with life, how to stop being a victim.

The origins of the problem

Any difficulties associated with communication, the attitude of people around us, come from childhood. It is in his youth that a person accumulates invaluable experience of interaction with society: it can be both positive and negative. If a person, whenever he needs to show his inner essence, hesitates and hides, and then takes offense at close people, then there is a victim situation.

The person himself does not notice how he gradually begins to try on this role. If we are treated unfairly as a child, this experience will undoubtedly linger in our heads. In the future, the personality begins to reproduce such a destructive model of behavior with those who are nearby at a given time. Until a person himself is aware of his problem, nothing will ever change in his life.

This is the best answer to the question of how to stop being a victim in a relationship. Begin to give your own feelings at least a little attention and care.

Main manifestations

Most often, these individuals refuse to have their own opinion, to express aloud the emerging desires. No one knows what they really think about, because people prefer to keep their mouths shut. They speak comparatively little, keep silent more and more and think about their own. Great sensitivity should be exercised in deciding how to stop being a victim. The psychology of a person rejected by all is such that he thinks too low of himself to act boldly and assertively. It seems to him that he will definitely not succeed, because he does not even make any attempts to change the situation.

How to stop feeling like a victim? Sacrifice itself is a consequence of improper upbringing in childhood, the formation. Becoming an adult, such a person cannot fully realize himself in his own family, career, and prove himself from the best side. And all because once in a person the conviction was strengthened that he is not capable of anything good. Many consider themselves complete nonentities who have no idea how to solve the most elementary problem. Refusal of ambitions, aspirations leaves a serious imprint on the personality, makes it withdrawn into itself and not let anyone into its inner world. How to stop being a victim? Try the following simple guidelines.

Working with self-esteem

You need to start small. Before talking about self-realization and high aspirations, you need to work through your own grievances, to feel like no less significant person than everyone else. Working with self-esteem involves accepting one's own personality without any judgment. When we are constantly under stress, it becomes more difficult to believe in the prospects we have. I would like someone to celebrate our achievements, to talk about the need to be yourself, to praise for something. But this, as a rule, does not happen. How to stop seeing yourself as a victim? Start stocking up on your own achievements. Point out what you have that is special that others do not. It cannot be that you are such an inconspicuous and uninteresting person.

Don't expect approval from those around you. Start loving yourself not for any merit, but just like that, because you exist on this earth. The fact is that others treat us the way we ourselves allow ourselves to be treated. No need to belittle your persona in conversation with someone or try to influence the feeling of pity. This will not add to your self-esteem. If you are seriously thinking about how to stop being a victim in life, then it is time to actively act.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and cherish your own failure in every possible way. Start gradually emerging from the shadows and learn to enjoy everything that happens to you. Help other people. Highlight those who need care and support at this point in time. This is the best way to accumulate positive impressions as soon as possible, to make you feel needed.

Development of personality

Probably, no one will argue with the fact that each person is unique. We are all quite different from each other, and that is the great diversity of the world. Anyone who suffers from low self-esteem and tortures himself with harsh self-criticism cannot figure out how to stop being a victim. It is sometimes so difficult to overcome the feeling of hopelessness that a person does not even notice the prospects nearby. It is even more difficult for him to believe that he means something to others. Meanwhile, it is so important to learn to value yourself, because no one else will do it for you.

The development of individual personality should begin with the awareness of one's own physical and inner attractiveness. When a person realizes how he differs from others, this gives him an additional incentive to act in relation to himself and no longer think about how to stop being a victim. Psychology is a science that helps to cope with existing problems, to overcome significant difficulties.

Talents and abilities

Paradoxically, the more gifted a person is, the stronger his need to hide in his protective "cocoon" is expressed. This is why many creative people are deeply introverted, highly withdrawn, and keep strangers out of their world. Such inner alertness prevents the personality, true desires and needs from manifesting. It is necessary to reveal the creative nature in oneself, to strive to realize talents, then the feeling of self-sufficiency will be added.

Sacrifice in pair

Sometimes it happens that people live together for a long time, but one of them does not notice that the other half is constantly suffering for one reason or another. How to stop feeling like a victim in a relationship? First, you need to understand yourself, to understand why this is happening. After all, the easiest way is to blame your partner for injustice. You should understand where you are "substituted", why it is convenient to offend you or not at all. The reasons may be as follows: often women do not feel attractive enough, do not have education, do not take advantage of the opportunities that life gives. Then a moment of insight comes and you have to think a lot about how to stop being a victim of your husband. Just start to respect yourself.

How to learn to appreciate yourself?

Healthy self-esteem has never hurt anyone. It is able to protect us from various unforeseen situations, when the perception of one's "I" can noticeably change not for the better. Self-esteem should be fostered by volitional effort. Start by asking yourself first what you really want. Realizing our own desires, we acquire a certain confidence. Realization of the value of his personality also comes when a person achieves some meaningful success. To speed up the process of forming the concept of "I am value", it is necessary to note every little thing, even an insignificant detail.

Show others that you need to be reckoned with. Otherwise, there is always a risk of becoming the person that no one notices. There is nothing sadder than when people diligently avoid their own individuality, do not allow themselves to be fully happy. Learning to appreciate yourself at all You just need to really want to achieve your goals.

Self-realization

It is important to reveal your inner nature, to fully express what you have inside. All it takes is to stop being a victim and start living. Self-realization helps in those cases when it seems that everything is already lost. Only by starting to do what you love and putting some effort into it, you can feel better, more confident than ever before.

Anyone who directs forces for a long time with a very specific goal in front of him will certainly achieve the desired result. And with a significant achievement behind your back, it is simply impossible to continue to consider yourself a worthless and mediocre person.

How to deal with resentment

Everyone has once experienced manifestations of someone else's injustice. Sometimes long-term resentment prevents a person from living happily, obscures everything, prevents the appearance of wonderful changes. She also becomes a tangible obstacle to feeling like a significant person. Only by overcoming this pain can you regain a state of integrity. Remember: sacrifice is not the essence of the personality, but only its temporary position, until the problem is solved. You must try to forgive yourself and your offenders. You cannot constantly live with a heavy burden on your heart. It is also very harmful to health: various diseases may appear, which will not be so easy to cope with.

Specialist help

Why loans are bad

It only looks attractive: supposedly you can not wait for the necessary money to arrive in order to get all the pleasures of life. In fact, there is a big trap here. When we are forced to borrow, then we have to be nervous and worried in order to repay the debt on time. You can't take full advantage of the thing you haven't earned. This brings additional worries and self-doubts.

You borrow from your future, which means that you are questioning the sale of your freedom. How to stop being a victim of loans? Just force yourself to get rid of this addiction. Apply certain ones and you, in the end, will come out victorious from this situation. It is worth stopping yourself at least a few times and you can save a lot of money.

Instead of a conclusion

The victim's condition does not lead to personal development. On the contrary, such a person often becomes suspicious and unhappy. And then we think that we have been wrongly offended, we do not want to take care of ourselves, develop fully, go forward, make grandiose plans. And a person is satisfied with small achievements, although he could have achieved great results.

The Role of the Victim. How do I stop playing it?

Psychologist Marina Morozova

Have you ever wondered why most people occasionally or constantly play the role of the Victim?
On the one hand, there is nothing good in this role.
The victim suffers, tormented, afraid, humiliated, offended, pleasing others, groveling, obeying, complaining, periodically rebelling, but always in a dependent position from someone or something.

The victim unknowingly and involuntarily attracts tyrants and tormentors, without wanting to.
There is always a tyrant or tormentor near the Victim. Just like the Victim is always next to the tyrant and tormentor.
The victim unknowingly provokes others to behave in this way towards her. The other person may not realize that he is tyrannizing the Sacrifice, and may not want to. But he does it. There is little awareness in such a relationship.
The role of the tormentor can be played not only by people, but also by the circumstances of life, illness.
A person in the role of a Victim subconsciously attracts problems, troubles and illnesses to himself, even unconsciously creates them.

A victim is a person who is exposed to:
1) Physical abuse (murder, beating, incest, sexual abuse).
2) Moral violence (humiliation, suppression, rejection, ignorance, boycott, bullying, threats, blackmail).
3) Energy impact (damage, evil eye, vampirism).
4) Manipulative influence (blackmail, manipulation).
5) And other influences (robbery, betrayal, deception, treason).

So, on the one hand, it would seem that there are some disadvantages in the role of the Victim.
But on the other hand, being a Sacrifice is very beneficial.
These benefits, of course, are not realized by a person, they are hidden from him. But if you think about it, you can find them. For example, one of the common benefits is to receive a portion of pity from loved ones, or, at worst, to feel sorry for yourself.

In fact, behind the desire to receive pity, there is a desire to receive attention, warmth, care, sympathy, compassion - in general, love.
People in the role of the Victim perceive love as pity, and pity for them is the equivalent of love. Therefore, when the Victim wants to receive love from close and dear people, she unconsciously seeks to evoke pity for herself. And she does not know how to receive love otherwise. And when the Victim feels sorry for himself, this for her is tantamount to a manifestation of care and love for himself.
Another common benefit of the Sacrifice is to receive gratitude, recognition, to feel needed, necessary, irreplaceable and even a saint.

The main unconscious goal of a person in the role of the Victim is suffering, since only through suffering can he receive pleasure and satisfaction. Moreover, rarely does anyone admit this, even to himself.

Types of victims.

People in the role of the Victim try to earn and earn love and approval by choosing different ways to do so. All of these methods are losing and destructive for the relationship and the person playing the role of the Victim.
All of them lead to unhappiness, disappointment and intense suffering, since love cannot be earned or earned, begged or begged.
I will cite several common variations of the Sacrifice role, depending on the way you receive love. Of course, this is not the whole list.

Submissive Sacrifice

The Submissive Victim lives by the rules of others, by the interests of other people, has no opinion or even the right to opinion. She agrees to put herself in last place and voluntarily dissolves in other people, for her this is a manifestation of love. Next to her, as a rule, is a tyrant and tormentor.
The Submissive Victim does not recognize himself as the Victim; it seems to her that it should be so. It was so in her family, in the parental family, for her such a life is the norm.

Such a person seeks to earn love through obedience, patience and submission. But this is what pushes other people away from him. Over time, such a Sacrifice begins to be despised, neglected.

Rebel Victim

The Rebel Victim lives by someone else's rules, but periodically organizes "strikes". "Strikes" always lead to conflicts. A day or two passes, the "strike" is suppressed, and everything returns to normal. Such a person tries to "win" love and approval. He feels like a Fighter, even a Hero and often does not realize himself in the role of a Victim.
Fighting is a destructive and losing way of earning love and approval.

Pleasant / Pleasant

A person seeks to earn love and approval, recognition and gratitude, helpfulness, pleasing others, to the detriment of his interests. It seems to him that the more he loves another, flattery and please him, the better their relationship will be. This is what happens at first.
But the more one pleases, the more the other becomes impudent and very comfortable "on the neck of the pleaser". The pleasing one expects at least gratitude from his loved ones, but those close to him take everything for granted. Over time, the sacrificial position of the saint and the tyranny of the tyrant strengthens, and the situation worsens. You cannot get love through pleasing.

Hard worker

This person seeks to earn love and approval by working hard and hard. He can work hard at work or only at home (in the role of a driven housewife), or in two shifts at work and at home.

Poor fellow

This Sacrifice seeks to earn love through self-pity. Such a person can be "forever sick", "forever drunk", "forever poor", "forever unhappy in love" or "everlasting failure." Remember "She fell in love with him for his torment, and he loved her for compassion for them"?
In Russia, love has long been associated with pity. When they said: "I feel sorry for him," they meant "I love him." But pity is not really love, but hidden aggression. This is such a "surrogate for love" that the Poor Guy gets.

Victim - 33 misfortunes

Such a person constantly gets into various troubles: accidents, accidents, every now and then turns out to be a victim of robbery or violence. He is constantly injured, falling out of the blue. Something constantly happens to him. "It's just trouble with him!" In all these situations, he attracts pity and attention to himself, that is, love.

Scapegoat

No matter what happens, and whoever is really to blame, the "scapegoat" is always punished. He is always to blame for everything. It is very convenient for others to "write off" the causes of their problems on the "scapegoat". And the "scapegoat", taking on the sins of others, feels his own necessity and need.

An intensely loving victim

This person has his own way of earning love - through suffering and the power of his love. It seems to him that if he loves another person strongly, strongly, with torment and suffering, he will be able to awaken love in another.
This is again the road to nowhere. The more such a person loves and suffers, the more disrespect, and then contempt, the beloved feels towards him. Such a Victim suffers from love addiction.

Holy Martyr / Martyr

This noble Sacrifice devotes his life to loved ones, relatives, family, in fact, sacrifices himself. She does not please, does not humiliate herself. Quite the opposite: she is full of dignity and proudly carries her destiny.
Relatives "sit on her neck", but she does not complain, all adversity endures steadfastly, silently and patiently. Next to such a Sacrifice there are always "goats" who use it, and, of course, do not appreciate it.
The Holy Martyr earns love through martyrdom in the name of the family, children, husband / wife, sick relatives, through the feeling of being needed, useful and necessary ("they will not survive without him").

Helpless Victim

In contrast to the "holy martyr," the helpless victim "lowers his paws" at the very first difficulties. She lives with attitudes: “I can’t do anything,” “I’m afraid,” “I don’t know how,” “I don’t know how,” “I cannot do anything,” “I will never succeed,” “from it won't do me any good. "
This is how the "learned helplessness syndrome" is manifested, which is formed in childhood up to 8 years. It is not congenital. The parents themselves unconsciously teach him their child, doing everything and deciding for him.
The helpless Victim wins love with his helplessness and weakness.

Excellent student / Excellent student

This Victim, on the contrary, can do everything and can, and not only how, but "perfectly."
As a child, the Excellent student won love with "fives", and then trying to ideally do everything that she does. An excellent student is a perfectionist and strives for perfection: she is an ideal hostess, an ideal mother, an ideal wife, an ideal lover, an ideal specialist, an ideal employee. But for some reason, she was tired all the time, irritated and completely exhausted. This is how the Excellent pupil complex manifests itself.
An excellent student / excellent student is a victim of himself, he voluntarily "puts everyone on his neck", while he rapes himself and destroys himself.

The eternally guilty victim

This Victim has a guilt complex. Such a person chronically experiences feelings of guilt for any reason. And this guilt is often contrived by himself. A person can blame himself for the fact that someone close to him died, that loved ones are sick or have problems. Well, since he is guilty, then he must be punished. And a person subconsciously strives for punishment in the form of illness, troubles, problems. Sometimes he mentally says to himself: “Serves me right. Himself to blame! " or "Serves me right, I don't deserve anything good."
Suppose a woman can blame herself for her mother's illness (“I ruffled her nerves”) and for the child’s illness (“the child is responsible for my sins”), for her husband’s infidelities (“I’m a bad wife”) and subconsciously punish herself by being ill, getting hurt, suffering.
This person takes all responsibility for everything and everyone upon himself. And often takes on someone else's responsibility.

Reasons for the Victim's role

They get to know the role of the Victim in childhood, try it on themselves at preschool age and rehearse in every possible way at school.
Its main reason is authoritarian education.
It is formed when:
- The child is beaten or severely punished
- Rejected or betrayed
- They humiliate, criticize
- Or, on the contrary, they overly patronize and regret (“my poor little one”). As a result, the child gets used to the role of “poor and unfortunate” and in adult life subconsciously receives love from other people, causing them pity and sympathy.
- In all these cases, the child lacks parental love. After all, if the parents take care of him, then only when they deem it necessary, and as they deem it necessary.
- And the child seeks to deserve or earn love in different ways: helpfulness, helplessness, irreplaceability, pity, work, work, "fives", negative behavior.
Often the role of the Victim is inherited from generation to generation. So, if a girl's grandmother and mother played the role of the Victim, the girl also automatically falls into this role.

Victim psychology

Let's now look at what the victim psychology is.
The usual state of the Victim is suffering. A person is constantly or periodically tormented, dissatisfied with something, not satisfied with something, that is, he is constantly ill. But from this state he "draws" pleasure and satisfaction. Otherwise, he does not know how to get pleasure and joy.
The main component of the Victim's role is helplessness. A person can be active and energetic in ordinary situations, but feel helpless in the face of any difficulties. Even an excellent student can do everything "on his own" and not only can, but as "excellent", but he is helpless and does not see a way out, how he can change the situation, how else can. It happens that he “understands with his head,” but cannot change anything.

The next component is hopelessness. The victim does not see a way out of an unpleasant situation and his position as a Victim. And he does not believe that it is possible to get out of it.
She feels powerless. She has no strength, no energy and time, she feels constant fatigue. And she does not have the strength to cope with the situation, to change it.
The victim takes a position of irresponsibility, but at the same time tends to take on someone else's responsibility.
She believes that nothing depends on her. The person in the role of the Victim is dependent on other people and circumstances. He is controlled and manipulated, but he does not affect anything. Someone else is always to blame for all his problems, and he has nothing to do with it. The victim blames others for his problems - they make her suffer, they tyrannize her, they don't help her. And therefore she is offended and angry at others, as well as at herself.
But at the same time, some Victims unconsciously take responsibility for others (husband, children, mother, colleagues). That is, they shift responsibility for their lives onto others, and drag themselves responsibility for others. This is the kind of confusion they have with responsibility.
For example, a woman may take responsibility for the health of her parents, but not see her responsibility for her own health. She may feel responsible for her son's studies, but not take responsibility for her failures in her personal life (“I’m not lucky,” “such is the fate,” “there are no good men”).
Some Victims prefer to be sick rather than trying to understand why and why they were given this disease. They will get sick, but they will never do wellness meditations and techniques or constellations, pray or undergo unction.
There are people who would rather die than forgive the offender who "ruined their lives." And at the same time they will feel like heroes and do not even know that they have been living in the role of the Victim for a long time.

The opposite of the psychology of the Victim is the psychology of the Master or Creator of his life, the King / Queen. A king or queen in the language of psychology is not a social or material status, but a psychological state. The royal state is the state of a self-confident, self-sufficient person, whole, filled with vitality. The owner is at the helm of his life, controls himself, his feelings and life situations, creates his own life and bears responsibility for it.

Psychology of the Master and the Creator

I myself create life events with my feelings, thoughts and actions
- He takes responsibility for his own life, but does not bear responsibility for others
- Independence from other people, their opinions and life circumstances.
- Knows how to defend against manipulation
- Active position
- Taking care of yourself
- Respect for yourself and other people

A preliminary task for those who are going to the online training "How to leave the role of the Victim and become the Queen / King?"

Write down the situations in which you have the Sacrifice Complex, and indicate how it manifests itself, what feelings you feel at the same time.

For example, you may have a Sacrifice Complex in your relationship with your mom, and you may feel pain.
Or in a relationship with your son, you may feel helpless and angry.
Or in a relationship with your husband, you can feel betrayed, feel jealousy, hatred.
It can show up when you are sick. In these situations, you can feel helpless, weak, you can suffer, torment and feel sorry for yourself.
Or, the Victim role can be enabled for computer and software problems. You may feel frustrated and frustrated.
Or the Victim complex may manifest itself when communicating with officials. For example, you may feel humiliated.
Save your notes prior to training. We will disassemble.
See you at the training!

Psychologist Marina Morozova