What to do if parents humiliate. What to do if your own parents are humiliating

From the Caucasus, but we have been living in Moscow for a long time, and I study here from school. I am an only child, my parents actually love me. but they very often bring me moral suffering. in the literal sense. I study pretty well, a 4th year student, I like to walk, take pictures, listen to music, read ... but my parents are all do not like it !! they humiliate me, saying all sorts of nasty words, even tease me !!! they do it all so professionally that I start crying until I lose consciousness. I am not a weak person in myself, rather impudent., and they are the only ones who can really hurt me in the heart !!! I just don't know what to do. help me please !! thanks in advance

Hello Karina! let's see what's going on:

they very often give me moral suffering

my parents don't like everything !! they humiliate me, saying all sorts of nasty words, even tease me !!! they do it all so professionally that I start crying until I lose consciousness.

You are already 20 years old and you are NOT a small child who can NOT control your actions! Therefore, now the responsibility for the fact that the relationship between you and your parents develops in a similar way lies with you! Do you see your contribution to what is happening?

They humiliate you - and you allow them to humiliate yourself !!! accordingly, and you behave in such a way that later you will be humiliated and feel like that! it means that in your style of giving up with your parents there is already a developed stereotype in which, as a result, you are brought to a loss of consciousness (BUT, nevertheless, it is you who allow yourself to be brought up!), and accordingly you can afford NOT to bring yourself to such a state! how - first, by taking responsibility for the relationship! the second is to see your contribution! - to disassemble the general style of communication with parents, to analyze and see exactly where and what is happening, why the situation is being escalated and brought up - for what? to change this stereotype of behavior! but you will need to change it! accordingly, the fourth is to develop a new style of building relationships, in which you will NOT allow yourself to be driven! and also, to build this style, it will be necessary to learn to constructively and openly convey your feelings to your parents (DO NOT blame them and criticize them - that it is THEY who bring you! but learn to speak only About your feelings, resorting to I-messages!)

DO NOT wait for the situation to change itself - its resolution depends on you!

if you want the situation around you to change, then for this you need to change yourself!

Karina, if you really decide to figure out what is happening and find a way out, feel free to contact me - call me - I will be glad to help you!

Hello Karina! It is very sad when the closest people can bring you to sobs! And at the same time you say that you are the only child in the family and, in general, they love you - do you think so or know for sure, and then how do they show you their love? But the main question is different - how do you tell them that your parents are hurting you this way, why do you allow this to be done to you? Do they see how you cry, and if so, how they react, I don’t know if this is some peculiarity of the parents from the Caucasus. Karina, you need to learn how to share your feelings for your parents, talk about how those impudent words they say to you hurt you, and how you feel when they tease you! These are your parents, and if you know that they love you, they will accept you with your manifestations of feelings, do not hide your feelings, bring them to loved ones. you will definitely succeed. Good luck to you!

All moms and dads sometimes make mistakes in raising their own children, but it is one thing when this happens sometimes, in exceptional cases, and another thing when mistakes become a trend or, even worse, favorite methods of upbringing. All this inevitably leads to a fall in parental authority in the eyes of children, undermines their trust in parents, which means that it knocks out the soil of psychological well-being from under children's feet. Anxiety, aggression, lack of motivation to study - these are just a few of the consequences of such mistakes, which, without exaggeration, can be called fatal.

So, there are things that parents cannot do, and it would be better if each of us classifies them as unacceptable, "forbidden" educational methods as follows.

Humiliating a child

Unfortunately, humiliation of those who are weaker and cannot give back is a fairly common phenomenon and even finds understanding among others. Hence - the pictures familiar to the eye, when the mother drags her son across the street, holding him by the ear, or when the father, in front of all honest people, scolds his daughter for disobedience. "Raises" - think neighbors, passers-by and bystanders of such scenes. What does the child think? The world is crumbling in his soul at this moment. But it is even worse when all the "collapse" is over, and humiliation from the parents has become an ordinary background of life.

Why is that bad... The psyche of a growing person is formed exclusively in conditions, first of all, close ones. Depending on how mom, dad and other people dear to him relate to the child, he either feels protected or not. In the second case, anxiety and the need for protection are fixed in his character, partly going into the unconscious, and then almost certainly become hidden, deep motives of the behavior of an adult.

Aggression response to aggression

It happens that children show signs of aggressiveness - they pinch, bite, fight, throw objects or somehow throw out their anger at others. And when such outbursts of hostility directly concern parents, they often “give back” to the young aggressors so that they “disagree,” and meanwhile, it is extremely undesirable to do so.

Why is that bad. Not always visible are actually it. So, at 1.5-2 years old, a baby is just beginning to learn the world, grope for the boundaries of what is permitted, and biting and pinching is just one of the ways to test them "for strength". At 3-4 years old, the child still often does not understand how to express his dissatisfaction, anxiety, sadness, and sometimes throws them out by attacks on the one who is nearby. As a rule, cruelty is not yet discussed, although there is a risk that aggression will develop into it. To prevent this from happening, it is extremely important for parents to try to demonstrate to the child models of non-aggressive behavior - to emphatically peacefully resolve conflicts, surround the child with calmness and love. If mom and dad respond with aggression to aggression, then a vicious circle turns out - the child does not see another example, and his tendency is aggravated.

Drawing conclusions... Aggression generates even greater aggression - it is worth remembering this every time you want to "pay back in the same coin" to a child who is raging for some reason. Remember - and change the "military" tactics for the tactics of a peaceful settlement.

Threats and blackmail

“Well now wash the dishes or you’ll be left without dinner!”, “If I see you in this company again, I will not let you out of the house!”, “Oh, you refuse to help me? Then don't come to me with your lessons yourself! " Effective? At first glance, yes. But the problem is that such educational measures have only temporary success.

Why is that bad... First, such a way of communicating his will to the child demonstrates the weakness of an adult and, about which the child will certainly draw a conclusion sooner or later. Secondly, this is the surest way to the loss of mutual understanding and emotional contact between the child and the parent. And thirdly, you can even get used to such a peculiar style of communication, which is what children do, gradually developing in themselves malleability to emotional manipulation and reaping its fruits throughout their subsequent life.

Drawing conclusions... If we want our children to grow up to be empathetic, understanding, able to draw conclusions and have their own opinion people, then in communication with them we must demonstrate all these qualities. With the help of the language of threats and prohibitions, it is possible to achieve only temporary obedience to the child against the background of his gradually developing emotional deafness.

Broken promises

"Immediately promise me never to do this again!" - another kind of blackmail, but especially insidious. With its help, the adult calms his own conscience, shifting responsibility for further misconduct on the child.

Why is that bad. Even from an adult, it is impossible to get him to fulfill a promise made to him without a firm determination to keep his word. Children, as a rule, generally have a hard time imagining what their parents mean in the word “promise”. At the moment when mom or dad, cursing, demands from the child "not to climb trees", "not to take sweets without permission," "not to communicate with this girl" and so on, he has only one desire - to quickly and return to peaceful life. The meaning of this vow is not so important and is forgotten for several hours or even minutes after the incident.

We draw conclusions. Instead of seeking promises from the child that, due to his age, he is not able to keep, it is important to explain to him why certain actions should not be taken, what this threatens. It is necessary to select words, intonations, examples that could convince him of the correctness of our words. There is simply no other way, or it leads to a dead end.

Cheating

Often, adults believe that cheating a child once or twice from good pedagogical motives is not scary. Yes, sometimes such a “lie to save” becomes an effective medicine against whims and stubbornness. It would seem, what is wrong with a harmless lie?

Why is that bad... Children have tremendous intuition and from a certain age they perfectly feel parental insincerity. If they do manage to "catch" mom or dad in a lie, then their parental authority will instantly burst at the seams. Needless to say, it would be strange to demand honesty from a child in this case?

Drawing conclusions... Trust is too expensive to exchange it for with a momentary effect, moreover, friendship is impossible without it. If we want to be friends with our children, we must be honest with them.

You can talk for a long time about how you can and how you can not bring up children, but perhaps the main thing is not to forget the well-known truth, albeit a little paraphrased: treat children as you would like them to treat you, and then everything will be fine for sure.

Anonymous, age: 08/13/2008

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Hi, I ask you to come to our forum, they will help you there. If possible, come in.

You are only 2 years old. Don't listen to others, listen to your heart.

Lesha Medved, age: 08/13/2008

I think you need to start an independent life as soon as possible - away from relatives who do not behave like native people at all ... Try to find a job and rent a room or apartment - at least you need to calm down and think about the future. IMHO, it would be nice to contact a psychologist and work out all these problems with him - just not to drive them inside. But most importantly, do not think that life is meaningless. You are God's creation, which means that God has a plan for you. At least try to call Him for help, pray, and ask all the questions that torment you. Try praying for your parents, your brother, yourself. You will not regret! And try to find an area of \u200b\u200bactivity where you could do something to help other people. This brings spiritual satisfaction: as they say, "it is bad for yourself - help another." Hold on. Good luck to you!

Ronnie, age: 08/13/2008

Hey! Why live? I think that we should try to live for God, not for someone or for something, but only for Him. Try to do some kind of good deed for another person whom you do not know at all. For example, give way to an elderly person in the transport, or even the simplest thing that does not require any effort on your part, smile. Just smile at any child on the street or any other person. But just do it as if you saw Jesus before you. Do it for him. You are a weak and unhappy person, like all of us, you cannot do anything without Him, and love and understanding and everything else you can find only in Him. If you don't succeed, then that's very good. True! If you read the teachings of some holy fathers, you would understand this. The Lord comes first of all to those who are weak, to those who are tired, who are alone and unhappy. He came to save the sick, not the healthy, for they do not need a doctor. Look who the Lord healed - the sick, the blind, the deaf, the dumb. It is not written anywhere that he healed the happy and self-sufficient.
But most importantly, think about this: if you knew that there is a person who died for you, died a violent death, a shameful death, who was bullied so that you could not even look at it. more than anyone else in the world who died for you to live. He died to be with you every minute of your life. Neither brother, nor mom, nor dad, nor any of the people can do this, but He can. He who shed his blood to cleanse your heart and give you hope for happiness ... Could you betray such a person? The person who loves you more than anyone else in the world?
Think about it if you want to write.

Goldirom, age: 33/08/13/2008

First, you don't have to think about death every day. You still have time to die, but it's unlikely to come to life later.
Secondly, if there are problems, do not whine, but think about how to solve them. I know many stories and many people whose life looks like hell, but they do not lose their optimism, "flounder" and continue to live.
Third, get rid of the hatred. It destroys. No understanding with your parents? Are they poisoning your life? Get out of the house. Enter at least a vocational school, even a university, get a job at a factory to give a "hostel". Do something, do something. Every problem has a solution and more than one.
Fourthly, there are few people to whom true love comes in 20 years. And in general, love is a difficult thing. This is not a pink, slobbering happiness, as in women's paperback novels, it is, first of all, a huge mental work (to change oneself for the better, be more tolerant of a partner, learn to sacrifice, etc.).
Fifth, real friends don't come out of nowhere. Friendship is as difficult as love. Friends appear over time, are tested in difficult situations. You are only 20, there is still a lot of time ahead, there will be situations and friends.
Don't be afraid of people, don't be afraid to live. Don't sour! The rescue of the drowning is the work of the drowning themselves. Nobody can help you except you. Unfortunately, there is no magic pill “Happiness” or a good fairy godmother in the world. No need to despair !!! The road will be mastered by the walking !!! Start moving forward, and everything will work out !!! Good luck!

Elle, age: 08/13/2008

Hello. You know, you and I are alike in this ... I was also often betrayed by friends, the guy betrayed me, and I have problems with my parents. But you are only 20, you still have everything ahead. This, of course, is trite, but it is true. And, you know, I wanted to commit suicide, I drank pills and cut my veins, but still I live ... Not for someone else, but for myself ... I live in spite of my "friends", enemies, but if you die, then everyone will just think that they are stronger than you. Spit on everyone and build your life, set a goal for yourself and live looking forward!

gotika2193, age: 08/13/2008

You are looking for meaning, but life is much easier than it seems at first glance. I myself have thought many times about leaving this life, and ... I am very ashamed of it. first of all before God. and passing by the church, I often do not ask for help, but simply forgive to forgive me.

I want to tell you - never demand meaning from life! only you can invent it and give it life. I am sure that this meaning will change more than once in your head over time. so just skip this topic, and the meaning will come, and after it the desire to live. it happens, I know many people very similar to you, with problems similar to yours and even worse.
think how much will change when you meet love? love does not promise to be yours forever. what if it doesn't happen forever. it's difficult, but you need to learn to be the mistress of your life and destiny. after all, as they say, whoever wants to live leads life, and who does not want to, she drags him against his will.
and parents - we do not choose them. therefore, there is no point in judging them, you are already a big girl, who also has access to the Internet, and therefore, perhaps not everything is so bad in your family.

anonymous, age: 08/13/2008

Sunny, do you have the opportunity to rest with your Soul? He can do pleasant little things, read interesting books or do something else for himself. You can just think about life, look at it from the outside. It is very important to determine what kind of life you want, in the smallest detail ... who should be near, where you want to live, how to relax and where to work ... Ask questions and the answers will come. And then start changing your attitude to what is happening. Everything passes, and the struggle is not forever. Hatred gives rise to hatred in response ... Try to react more calmly ... Parents do not support you ... then you need to learn to support yourself morally. First, change your attitude towards yourself, love yourself, and this will give greater independence from the people around you, from them opinions. You are a Beautiful Man. You know .... "your mission is the shining path, no matter how dark the night is." You will definitely meet people who are close in spirit, they exist and they will not betray. Man does not come to Earth to live his life alone ...
Good luck :)

Sky Seeker, age: 08/14/2008

For starters, don't be afraid to show this article to your parents! For what? To know what it means to humiliate a child! After all, children begin to fear people or doubt themselves, their self-esteem goes down, in your case because of their parents! They are good. They are family. They reproach you for being bad. It is not right. That's just terrible! For them, YOU are the most important thing! They must respect you. Let them start treating you differently. And a brother hates it, so it is in almost every family. Especially if he is small, about 15 years old, younger than you, do not pay attention. Children just see that you feel bad. So they start to make you worse. For communication, try chatting on the Internet. There you will have a girlfriend or boyfriend. Support each other. Self-esteem will already rise! They betray exactly everyone. This must be experienced. This should make you even stronger! Thank them for shitting on you now! You will understand people more! Do something. There are many bad things in life. Highly. But goodness also exists here. Or if you can't, talk to a psychologist! But first, show this article to your parents. Or, if you can't, tell them that you don't like the way they treat you. Good luck to you!

Christina, age: 25 / 15.08.2008

It doesn't always happen and everything is bad.
Everything in the world is balanced. And if it's bad now, then it will be good. After some time, everything will return to you in full ... And you will understand and be happy that you have not done anything stupid.
Be patient, dear, and listen to your heart.

Dima, age: 32 / 08/18/2008

Don't make me laugh, go away from your parents, I would be there to help, but alas .. Start life separately from them, believe me, my parents and family are the same ... Well, I live, I don't give a damn about everything, I'm not with to live with them, I will wait for my time and gladly leave them, but you are already big - pack your things and leave as far as possible ...

lesja, age: 17 / 25.04.2009

Leave your Lord your need for a simple prayer to him. This prayer can come from your heart and the words in it are unlearned ... what the heart wants to say to the Heavenly Father, let him say that He will open the way for you to go further, give you strength and Hope to put all your problems on Him. .. You will certainly see the result of His actions in your life. You are on this planet for a reason, and the Lord has a plan for the salvation of a soul that has been given into His hands. Amen.

Elena, age: 41 / 09/18/2009

You know it's hard to believe, but everything is exactly the same with me! I also have a brother and he tells me that too. Parents constantly reproach that I don't want anything, I don't want to study. Today I thought to swallow pills and die, but then I realized that this is not an option, that I will not prove anything with this, and if I die, sooner or later everyone will forget about it. You are only 20. You are still young and you have everything in front (everyone has already told you) You just have to endure everything, endure and do not care about everyone who prevents you from living a normal life !!!

Masya, age: 14 / 24.12.2009

But for example, I am only 12, (in 2 months my birthday) life is just beginning, and I no longer want to live. I really want to end my life. Against the background of puberty, I have sharp mood swings, so I am happy Ida, and a minute later I roar into my pillow. It’s very difficult to live like this, I know it’s temporary, they say, such an age, you have to go through. But I'm not sure of anything anymore. Actually, my family lives well, we do not live in poverty, I have friends, they didn’t betray them in my life (except perhaps unrequited love for children). Very ashamed in front of myself. But I just don't see a way out.
Usually, I start to behave angry, for example, after talking with a friend. By myself, I am modest, but I throw out emotions on loved ones and loved ones. for example, a friend decided to pin me up, I was offended, she laughed at me, as a result, hysterics. I just deleted a page because of a quarrel with her, I want to die. I have problems with my family (partial) humiliate me, name-calling parents, beat me (rarely). But still, I understand that this is not an option. I have good grades in all subjects, and I don’t freak out because of the grades. Unless one time after the lesson the physicist (tired + hitting her stomach and face with a ball) made a scandal at home and attempted suicide. On the one hand, I am ashamed, on the other, I really do not know what to do and how to live.
Why do I live? Maybe someone will be interested. I live mainly because of little joys (my mother bought cookies, physical education was canceled at school).
The last "whim" of my sick mind is to wait for my birthday and commit suicide after school, walking up in the summer.
I wrote, rather to speak out, but I will not refuse help sent. I know I am acting like a fool and I need to learn.
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sister of talent, age: 12/04/2017

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Hello. Everyone has difficult moments in life. But at the age of 12, thinking about such things as suicide .. You still have to live and live. To enjoy the life. Don't think about suicide, imagine how your family will feel if something happens to you? On the one hand, yes, it may seem to you that they do not like you, but they are not. I myself am now 15 years old, soon 16. I also had bad moments. I, like you, had quarrels, but everything went away. Its OK now. Try to find common ground. And yes, get all the bad thoughts out of your mind. My friend thinks about such things myself, I have to explain that this is wrong. You still have so much to see, learn, enjoy. The main thing is not to give up, keep fighting. Do you have a dream, a goal? So go ahead for her. Good luck!))

Eva, age: 03/04/2017

Hi sunshine. You see, suicide is a great sin, it will bring neither you nor your loved ones anything but pain. Try not to think horrible things. And the fact that you are happy with little things is right! Holidays, sweetness, warm weather - great! In the future, interesting and important events await you - graduation, admission, employment, marriage, the birth of children. You have everything ahead! In the meantime, bear with the difficult age and mood swings, this is temporary. Good luck!

Irina, age: 29/04/2017

Read the book by Nick Vuychich "Life without Borders", I think if you are fond of studying, then new knowledge will be interesting to you. There is a book on the Internet.

BEDman, age: 03/05/2017

Anastasia, age: 03/07/2017

Hi, you are very much like me at 12. At this age I also thought about suicide and mercilessly hysterical. I even tried to make an imaginary friend whom only I can hear and see ... But then I somehow realized that not everything in my life is bad and decided that I didn't need any invisible friends, I didn't want to go crazy. And she gave up thinking about him. And I do not advise anyone to develop outsiders in their heads. Nevertheless, I still could not calmly enjoy life until the age of 13-14 - suicidal motives, hatred and contempt for myself, inability to control emotions, pessimism, I was thrown out of arrogance and conceit into the experience of my own insignificance. I didn't see the point in my consumer existence (and even now the meaning of life comes to me, then seeps through my fingers, flickers, teases with a fox's tail and does not want to submit). I realized that, it turns out, we make happiness ourselves. What supported me at the age of 12 and still supports me are books. In books, you can escape from the real world, forget, live someone else's life, gain experience. And the person who reads beautifully and clearly expresses his thoughts. If you read, then at one point you will notice that you are outgrowing some of the patterns, the gross projections of the mind are peeling off, and relative awareness appears. What used to be the norm has become game. Read at least fantasy, even samizdat, even fanfiction on Fikbook. By the way, I noticed that you speak well for your age.
I went through the same thing as you now and so far alive with: Be strong, everything goes away - both bad and good. There will be complexes about appearance ahead, get ready. I do not regret that I was a coward and did nothing with myself, because now life is quite bearable and I no longer live because of small joys, big dreams have appeared.

Anna, age: 03/26/2017

The park. Many people. All are beautiful, funny. The kids are playing. There is an atmosphere of joy in the air. And suddenly, in the middle of the park, there is such a picture: a disgruntled mother yells at a crying child, from this he begins to cry harder, after which she breaks down and gives him a slap on the head.

The question arises: why do parents humiliate their children? Why is it so with the child? Was it impossible to agree? Why do parents humiliate a child? Once their land wears?

There are no boundaries to indignation from such actions. It is impossible to imagine the state of the child at this moment. And if a mother does this with a child in public, then what happens at home when no one is around? How does the fact that parents humiliate and insult him affect the rest of the child's life?

There is a wealth of information on this topic on the Internet. For example, a forum where this phenomenon is discussed. Someone supports this behavior of parents, and someone sounds the alarm. Opinions differ, and the problem when parents humiliate and insult their children becomes more acute.

Consider the reasons for behavior, why parents humiliate, using the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan.

First, let's find out what mom means to a child. A mother for a child is a guarantor of security and safety, which are necessary for the development of normal psychological health. The child has the strongest mental connection with his mother. It is from her that he directly receives a sense of security and safety. In turn, the father provides this feeling for her. When everything is good in a family, then such a family can be admired forever. Everyone is beautiful - both mom and child. There are no situations when parents are humiliating.

A sense of security and safety is important to us throughout our lives. We strive to experience this feeling. It gives us confidence in the future, and accordingly, calmness and poise.

When parents lack a sense of security and safety, they feel uncomfortable and frustrated. Accordingly, all their states are transferred to children. When parents humiliate a child, this is the release of their bad conditions.

This happens unconsciously. And often all the aggression that the mother or father feels is poured out on the child. Parental misery can be caused by various reasons: stress, problems in the family or at work. Such states can be both short-term and protracted.