How to stop falling in love with the wrong people. Manic thirst for love. How to break the vicious circle

Acquaintance, first date, first kiss... And now, you realize once again that you have fallen in love with this handsome man with attractive smile. Falling in love is a pleasant feeling that at first brings you only an incredible feeling of lightness and euphoria. But a little time passes, and you begin to understand that you fell in love with the “wrong” man, or that now there is absolutely no time for nice walks, dates, and you need to focus on study or work.

However, feelings are difficult to control; every day you realize that you are becoming more and more dependent. And here every woman in a similar position immediately faces the question: “How not to fall in love?” In this article you will find some useful tips that will help you finally solve this problem. difficult question and understand yourself.

Distract yourself

One of the most simple ways not falling in love means being distracted. You cannot allow anyone to take control of your thoughts, feelings and desires. Do things that give you pleasure, that take your attention away from the object of your adoration. Every time you feel lonely even a little, missing Him, just think about the things that make you happy. And take action!

Stop watching his every move

If you want to forget someone, forget also about the function of a constant observer. Don't update his pages in social networks every five minutes to make sure there is nothing new or interesting there. Don't let yourself become obsessed with someone. Be aware that the more attached you become to a person, the more difficult it will be to cut all ties later. Worse yet, if you continue to pursue him, his influence on you will grow exponentially every day.

Stop yourself from being too affectionate and tender.

Realize that you are too different to be together

Eat a big difference between love and just sympathy. You may be attracted to many men, but this does not mean that you can be close to everyone and spend the rest of your days together. Just because someone is beautiful, smart, or just plain attractive doesn't mean you have to love them.

In fact, there are many ways to avoid falling in love with almost everyone you meet, and this article contains only the most effective of them. By following them, you will never fall in love with a man you wouldn’t want to fall in love with.

Some girls constantly choose the wrong type of man. The history of their novels resembles a long and monotonous play, in each act of which only the names of the characters change, but events develop according to a well-known scenario. Some complain about fate because it constantly brings them together with weak men, others are perplexed why their next romance ends because of their partner’s betrayal, and still others have to break off relationships due to the unhealthy addictions of young people. In all these cases, girls unsuccessfully try to find an answer to the question - Why do I fall in love with the wrong guys?

If new novel surprisingly exactly similar to the previous one and, moreover, this trend was repeated more than once, it is not difficult to guess that this, alas, is not an accident, but a pattern that arose due to the girl’s not entirely correct behavior. No matter how smart, reasonable and wise a girl may be, unfortunately, for some reason she simply does not see the mistakes in her behavior that are pushing her into the maelstrom of yet another romance with the “wrong” guy. There is only one way to stop the chain of repeating events and finally find happiness in love - by understanding the reason for choosing unsuitable men.

Why do we fall in love with the wrong guys?

1. Manic thirst for love

The tendency to step on the “same rake” in relationships in most cases is due to the fact that girls crave love so much that they are ready to turn a blind eye to their partner’s shortcomings until they turn into unbearable torture. If you don’t be disingenuous with your own “I,” then we all already at the stage of acquaintance understand whether a happy relationship with this person is possible or not. However, girls, tired of love failures, abandon rational judgments in favor of illusory hope, which in most cases does not come true.

2. Victim complex

Psychologists identify a category of women who do not believe that they can be loved just like that. In their concept, love must be earned, earned and suffered. Due to various circumstances, the self-esteem of these women is low. In reality, they can be smart and beautiful, talented and strong personalities, accustomed to achieving everything through hard work. Subconsciously, women belonging to this type choose emotionally weak men, incapable of dedication and love. Having learned that nothing in life comes for free, women with low self-esteem make a lot of efforts to win the love of their chosen one. Perhaps they will actually be able to achieve a reciprocal feeling. But the problem is that the strength and quality of a woman’s and a man’s feelings will be very different. And, in the end, such an alliance will end in another fiasco.

3. Reluctance to leave your comfort zone

In reality, it is easier for all of us to communicate and build relationships with the type of people we are accustomed to. For example, it so happens that a girl constantly starts a relationship with a funny guy and the life of the party, who has an easy-going attitude towards life. The girl knows how to behave with representatives of this category of people, knows how to interest and attract them. Perhaps the relationship is going well at first. However, when the more serious phase of the novel begins, it turns out that the sweet, cheerful fellow is very conditional about the principles of fidelity and, moreover, does not know how to make money at all. It would seem that a girl who has been burned once or several times should avoid this category of people, however, it turns out that charm and the ability to charm do not extend to men of a different psychological make-up. This discrepancy can be explained very simply: in order to interest a serious and worthy man, he needs to comply. And in order to correspond to the currently unattainable ideal, you need to analyze your behavior and lifestyle, eradicating unfavorable factors, that is, to get out of the usual comfort zone.

4. The habit of idealizing men

Often girls who dream of happy relationship, subconsciously train themselves to turn a blind eye to the shortcomings of the man they like, endowing him with non-existent qualities. Deep down, they understand the futility of their own venture, however, they believe that their dedication will help them change their partner. But in reality, it is impossible to change a man. If by nature he does not know how to love, does not strive to take care of the girl, does not intend to make efforts to develop the relationship, an affair with such a person will turn into a one-sided game. And, in the end, the girl, completely exhausted, will grumble at fate and blame the guy for everything, not realizing that if she had looked at the relationship not through the prism of rose-colored glasses, she would have been able to save the moral strength that was spent on the wrong person. person.

5. The habit of obeying stereotypes

Our world is subject to stereotypes. Someone came up with the idea that a man worthy of love must achieve a certain material well-being, be gallant and courteous, and, of course, demonstrate his love for the girl in every possible way. Often girls who want to fit in at all costs established standards, when meeting men, they pay attention only to external factors - attractive appearance, availability of a car/apartment, ability to care, etc. But it often turns out that behind an outwardly beautiful screen hides a completely unattractive inner world, resonating with the girl's principles.

6. Thirst for the “forbidden fruit”

The desire to acquire the inaccessible, unattainable and forbidden is one of the consequences of low self-esteem. Many psychologists tend to attribute this tendency to childhood unrealized dreams. A child who so strongly desires to possess something that his parents cannot afford him can subconsciously project this desire onto the building of adult relationships. IN real life it looks like this: a girl meets a guy who can be described by one thing: in a short word- too much. He's too rich, too handsome, too talented, too noticeable, etc. Children's complex, sitting in the depths of memory, immediately makes itself felt: the girl wants to possess this guy and, as a result, falls in love. But her love is very superficial. She doesn't really think much about human qualities chosen one, their compatibility and the possibility of building harmonious relations. It is important for her to have a partner in order to satisfy her thirst for the “forbidden fruit.”

7. Looking up to your first love

First love leaves an imprint on our souls, laying a certain foundation for the development of all subsequent relationships. Particularly romantic natures often look for the prototype of their first love in all the men they meet. But the trouble is that, firstly, first love is rarely ideal, and secondly, the qualities acceptable for a 17-year-old partner are completely unacceptable for a 30-year-old man. However, girls are subconsciously attracted only by the surroundings of the novel: the look, behavior, jokes and actions of a new acquaintance remind them of their first love, giving pleasant feelings and stirring up memories.

How to stop falling in love with the wrong guys

If you realize that meeting the “wrong” guys is your problem, get ready for a long and fruitful work on yourself.

First, you need to analyze all the relationships that have been in your life. Figure out what exactly didn’t suit you about men and what became the decisive factor for breaking up the relationship.

Secondly, draw an image of your partner. However, forget about stereotypes and youthful ideals. As you decide to change the quality of your relationship, use reason and experience as your guide. Think about what type of men you will feel comfortable with? What character traits should your partner have, what lifestyle should he lead and, most importantly, what should he want from the relationship?

And thirdly, think about what kind of woman can attract the ideal man in your opinion? And are you a match for this woman? If you previously attracted exclusively morally weak men, perhaps your behavior demonstrates self-sufficiency and independence, which charm the stronger sex who do not want to be such. In this case, you need to work on your natural feminine softness and weakness. Or perhaps you are tired of being overly strong men who are accustomed to subjugate and dominate, and dream of a harmonious and equal partnership. In this case, you need men to see you as a self-sufficient and confident person.

Awareness own mistakes - important step on the way to solving the problem. When you realize that you are worthy of real and deep love, and stop wasting your life on the “wrong” guys, you will definitely meet a worthy man who will surpass your best best expectations and ideals.

“Our relationship lasted two months, and I was sure that I had met my soul mate,” says Marina. - And then he began to move away and admitted that he was not ready for serious relationship. We agreed that we would remain friends. This “friendship” torments me; I have no strength to break our connection.”

“It’s not for nothing that the girl mentions her “soul mate,” as the image of her own soul, which Jung called the Animus,” comments cognitive therapist Marina Myaus. - If we meet a person who merges with the image drawn by our subconscious, we are irresistibly drawn to him. But in order for a full-fledged connection to develop, it is necessary to separate the imaginary image and accept real person. Agreeing to love someone who does not value us, we remain in the flow of our own fantasies.”

Over time, the importance of not a specific person grows, but only the scale of his imaginary figure. We think that we are interacting with the one we love, but in fact we are conducting a dialogue with ourselves - that part of our Self with which we ordinary life We can’t find the strength to meet.

"This may be a consequence early experience, associated with relationships with parents, or with long-standing traumas that are held captive, explains Marina Myaus. - Unhappy love is just a mirror through which we look at ourselves. But this mirror is crooked and distorting. And dialogue with ourselves will be destructive if we do not find the strength to remove the imaginary figure of the one with whom we are in love. Instead of trying to repeat the previous traumatic love experience over and over again, we need to face our experiences head-on.”

How to stop falling in love unrequitedly

If an unrequited feeling lasts for a long time, it is difficult to admit to ourselves that we are wasting the time of our lives. Mechanisms turn on mental protection, which convince us: something is preventing the beloved from taking a step towards. Often this turns us into uninvited “rescuers”: we strive to help overcome circumstances that interfere potential partner be with us. Little by little we are losing critical attitude towards ourselves and others, perceiving only those words and actions that feed our illusions.

• Break contact. If the partner does not take steps towards meeting, imaginary love draws energy only from our own thoughts and fantasies. Break all contacts, both real and virtual. Unfriend the person on social media to avoid the temptation to spy on their life.
• Focus on yourself. It is important to redirect the flow of energy that we wasted on fruitless fantasies about inaccessible to a man, to myself. Engage in work, study or creativity - something that contributes to the growth of your personality and gaining greater self-esteem. As soon as we stop feeding an imaginary figure and begin to “grow” our own instead, the significance of the imaginary connection gradually decreases.

How to stop falling in love with everyone

The feeling of love can turn into a drug. We strive to experience it again, often in the process becoming closer to those who manipulate our need.

How to break vicious circle?

• Think about self-esteem. Trying at all costs to be with a person who doesn’t care about us, we lose self-respect. It’s hard to admit this, so the psyche throws up many excuses for such a connection. Self-respect will allow you to rely primarily on yourself, and not look for support in another person.
• Restore resources. By exhausting ourselves emotionally, we lose interest in other aspects of life. A partner who loves and accepts gives strength and fearlessness to move forward. Anyone who devalues ​​our feelings takes away our strength.
• Get rid of the victim role. We find ourselves in psychological subordination to a person who does not value us. Think about how a passive role could benefit you? Perhaps this is how you are trying to relieve yourself of responsibility for your own life?

How not to fall in love with unfree people

Sigmund Freud considered attraction to a parent of the opposite sex to be the prototype of all loves. IN full family this figure is always not free.

“Childhood experiences of rivalry with a same-sex parent can add passion to love triangle in adulthood, explains Jungian analyst Lev Khegai. - Defeating an opponent is no less important than achieving the object of love. From this point of view, the choice of unfree partners provokes stronger feelings.”

How to break the vicious circle?

“You need to honestly answer the question: are you ready for true rapprochement? - Marina Meaus suggests. - What makes you hold on to relationships in which the full presence of your loved one is impossible? Perhaps in parental family you saw not only love and care, but also a lot mutual claims, irritation. In this case, communication with an unfree partner allows you to leave the door open.”

How to stop falling in love with unavailable people

Falling in love with a famous singer, actor or athlete is a common phenomenon among teenagers. This child accommodation life events in a game format. But if a person carries away attachment to the inaccessible and famous in adult life- this turns into a problem.

“Falling in love with an idol as an adult is an indicator that we didn’t get enough as children.” mother's love, and the inaccessible but beloved image of the mother is replaced by the image of a star,” says Lev Khegai.

How to break the vicious circle?

• Parents of teenagers should be patient. The worst thing you can do is blame or ridicule his feelings. “Such a hobby may be associated with a natural process of separation, during which the teenager tries to disconnect from the influence of the mother. At the same time, the image of a star turns out to be an unconscious counterbalance to dependence on the parent, explains Lev Khegai. - If attachment to an idol is not critical and does not threaten the safety of the teenager, let him simply survive this period. Be patient and open to conversation. Make it clear that you love your child regardless of his hobbies.”
• In adults falling in love with a star is often also a consequence of failures in your personal life, which is why you regress into the teenage stage. Reflect on previous relationships. Perhaps you still have pain and disappointment. Love for an inaccessible person is a zone of known safety. But at the same time, you are robbing yourself by not allowing full-fledged feelings into your life and limiting the opportunities for internal growth that only close relationships in the real world give us.

Too much amorous people life in the world is usually not easy, because it is so easy for them to fall in love with someone, and it is not a fact that this someone will experience reciprocal feelings. And what remains - to try with all your might to win love? But this will most likely bring even more suffering.

Better think how to stop falling in love without reciprocity, so that even if you have feelings for someone, then definitely not for the first person you meet, who is not even interested in you.

Stop idealizing everyone

Why are you so in love? Probably the whole point is that you idealize men. As soon as you meet a handsome, friendly young man, you immediately take it into your head that he is certainly a thrifty, hard-working person, that he will be an ideal father. However, things won’t work that way - you will only be disappointed in the person every time, getting to know him better and better. But you are already in love, which means that such love will bring you suffering and nothing more.

Don't rush things

Don’t try to quickly fall in love with someone and get married just because your friends have all already found their love.. And you will find your soulmate, just don’t rush things. First, talk to the person, try to get to know him better, ask, for example, what he is interested in. If you have little or no common interests, most likely, your relationship will not develop the way you would like.

Trust your intuition

Women have a highly developed intuition, so don’t neglect it.. If inner voice whispers to you, “This guy is not as good as you think,” if somewhere deep down you doubt, you should not dispel these doubts. Take a closer look at young man, get to know him better, including through mutual friends. Understand that falling in love is easy, it is much more difficult to get rid of your feelings.

Love must be mutual

If you clearly sympathize with a young man, and he still doesn’t understand how you feel about him, most likely, he, on the contrary, understands everything, he’s just not interested in you. It's better to stop communicating with this person before you fall in love with him. IN otherwise there is a risk that you will overestimate yourself and think that you can win the favor of the object of your sympathy. It’s better not to take risks in amorous matters.

Why go far?

While you were unsuccessfully trying to fall in love with one man or another, you might simply not notice that someone else was trying to court you, who was constantly in your field of vision, but you were looking through him. Look at him with a gaze unclouded by obsessive love for another person., and you will realize that love has been next to you all along, and you don’t have to go far. You will fall in love with this person, and you will no longer need to think about the fact that you are still alone.