All my life suffered from the fact that I remember the read read, texts, and lately Work is connected with such tasks. To improve memory, I know, you need to teach poems, some foreign language. Learn poems I have no desire; She taught Spanish and German on the Internet, but after a while absolutely everyone forget. Maybe there are some other ways to improve memory

After years and as a result of the acquisition of a certain life experience I came to the idea that many families hold on the ability of a woman to fight for their man. Your man is a cup for long years Battle with his mother, friends, mistresses and other affections. But I always think about these women: for what they are fighting. Fighting for love or struggle from the principle. In one wonderful day, my husband said that he was leaving for another woman. It was hurt and insulting, but I did not hold it, but helped collect things. I even lost weight on this soil. A month later

About 10 years ago I notified an interesting pattern. My five-year-old daughter fell asleep across the seventh prayer from the Orthodox evening rule. We had one room. The daughter was already laid under the blanket and she needed to wait until I read prayers. She had the most common ideas for her age orthodox world. But it was not forced to execute the rules.

Years passed and I am watching my son.

Regardless of how active was the behavior of the child all day, is healthy, in which mood went to sleep - to

I love to read, but only fiction. Many of my familiar or colleagues are reading books on personal Growth. Here I relate all textbooks from the sphere "How to succeed", "how to influence people", etc. Moreover, people absolutely do not read regular books, and these straight are almost quoted. Even a sign good tone It is considered if you read one or another book. For some reason, I do not see anything in these books. Although B. for different years I had impulses to read something like that, but after several pages threw everything. It seems to be bad there is nothing, but all that they say and

I'm 34 years old. I work, two children, husband, house, cottage in general as all women live " adult life". It is clear that the fatigue pursues constantly, and also the nerves will destroy the children, then the husband, then on the robot. Sometimes I spit and just rest, I drink sedative. But three months ago I started some kind of shadows, and in different time day and with different emotional states. At first I thought of fatigue, with a friend with a friend for 14 days in the sanatorium did not help. I do not believe in the spirits and other mysticism, so I do not know what to do, where to go to the psychiatrist, a psychologist, therapist? Please tell me

Girls, please tell me, on the Internet - contradictory information. Does there be both godfather - and mother and father? I can not find a suitable candidate for the role great Father. For me, this is all very serious, and not empty formality. There is no such man in our environment, whom I could entrust to become a congestion to my son. The father, who is planning to be baptized, insists on both godfall. I read that often the child has only one of the godfall, and it is quite acceptable. I do not know how to be - ask another father or continue to look for a candidate (which is hardly possible)

Cancer now became so popular that I will not hear about whom everyone die from cancer. My grandfather had a stomach cancer, which adds chances to hear in his address "Cancer". How can it be used to secure yourself from this terrible disease? Maybe something to drink for prevention? What do you personally do?

I wanted to travel all my life. When it began to work, then one of the motivating factors was that this one. If possible, traveled with his sister and abroad, and somewhere inside the country. But, of course, not as often, as vacation also has its limitations. And when I was returning home, such a tide of vigor was always felt and everything was done at work faster and was taken for something complicated to still earn and there was a choice somewhere. Now I am married and the husband somehow does not really want to go somewhere. All spokes on the absence of money, although I see that he just does not want. There would be a desire

05.07.2014

How to distinguish healthy love From painful? What features indicate addiction? What should be an emotionally healthy woman?
At all times, people asked the eternal question: "What is love?"

Life-friendly

In Russian, there is the word "love", it is consonant with the word "alcoholism".
Love is always lacking peace heatwhich she constantly requires a partner. They are not able to accept the fact that there may be two "me", separate from each other. They recognize only the existence of a single "we". All this is signs of dependence and internal inconsisions. When a person is dependent, he constantly has a risk of being unhappy.
If a loved one is a little glance, the painful unbearable suffering begins. And if he, God forbid, changed or left, then the severity of the state of an abandoned woman seems to be the condition of the deprivation of the substance to which the habit of and affection has been developed. The so-called hanging syndrome. It takes at least a little, the droplet of the same - in the case of love - new love, and alcohol - in the case of "alcoholism" so that breaking stops. Just like alcoholism, a repeated recurrent disease and the scenario of Logosolism repeats. The alcoholic promises himself: "Everything, I will not drink anymore, I tied up." Also, the left woman says to herself: "I will not fall love anymore. From love - Only suffering. "
Until the indifference, indifference, calm and neutral attitude towards the person who delivered suffering, will not come happiness. It will not work out. Just as with alcoholism. So far, the strong addiction to vodka will not pass, no clings, oaths, promises, coding will not get rid of this ailment. It will be possible to recover only if it does not yet pull a painful way to alcohol.
If a person in the soul reigns harmony and equilibrium, then loveEven the strongest will not compete with other attractions. As healthy love Doubts everything domestic powers - reveals the potential, ability, feeds creativity, fills the soul and body of energy.
In case of love addiction Relationship with a partner takes too much space in life and the value of everything else is lost. It is like alcohol leads the life of an alcoholic, crowding out all other interests. The main characteristics of the unhappy love - These are changed, offset experiences.
Stereotype, template, repeatability of the situation resembles signs of alcoholism. When a person who is indifferent to alcohol is going to a party, it is impossible to predict in advance how he will behave there. Maybe he will have to drink a lot. But this is not a fact. Everything will depend on his mood and from that company that will gather.
But the behavior of an alcoholic on any party or event can be predicted from the first glass to the moment when it is impossible to carry it out and spend it home.
There are women whose fate too can foresee.
Even in the most bitter days, peace and emotionally healthy woman always makes the future. She plans him. And fate changes it, meets new manAnd life is getting up. One of the most important indicators mental health It is an extensive, multivariant modus of life.
The life of a woman who suffers from love addiction - This is a painful endless search of a man who "can give her everything." According to its criteria and expectations, he must completely flip her fate, and even when this coup is not required.
In any relationship, including loveEach partner must pass their 20 counterparts to their half. Looks in a hurry to overcome the entire distance completely behind both partners.
They do not give the report at all, in which main essence Problems. Most often they do not find flaws in their ability to "sacrificial" love. They believe that only chosen women can love so much. Such is them psychological protectionthat helps them survive. She does not give them all the whole and straight look at the failure and protect them.
One of the extreme differences of women who are capable of healthy lovesatisfying the union for both partners, from women who suffer from love addictionis the level of self-esteem from those and others. Women capable of healthy love, Know the price to their mind, its qualities, its spiritual wealth, his personality. Do they do not wait for them to raise someone else. Such women know what they want from life and that they could do for themselves. If you ask them to make up and write a plan for the next 5 years - this task is generally not difficult for them. They tend to foresee their lives. They are willing to make a maximum effort to fulfill their life plan.

Love addiction, difference from love

Dependent on love Women, as a rule, need recognition. They feed their understated self-esteem due to someone else's assessment. For them, another opinion is extremely important. "If I won't be my wife, I can't take place as a woman," said one woman who made an impression quite worthy. She believed that he had the price only if a man would be next to her. Only the presence of a man could give her a feeling that she was protected and is safe, as well as the feeling that everything is in order. It seemed to her that without the support of her partner her life would be deprived of meaning.
Healthy women Distinguished emotional maturity. Such women enjoy all their feelings. They are much easier to endure suffering, disappointment, loneliness.
They are less likely to depressed and quickly come out of them. They are absolutely comfortable and well alone with them.
They know who they are perfect well. They are able to postpone the satisfaction of their needs for the background. They have a more stable mood. W. women dependent on love, feelings are still not so deep as they seem. Despite the intensity and strength of their suffering, their reactions are immature, like a teenager. They are not able to choose a worthy partner or show patience. They are like on a volcano. Their feelings are constantly changing, they cast out of extremes to extremes, shakes them aside. It seems that they do not care, from whom to depend. They need someone near. They completely absent self-discipline. They do not know how they do not want to postpone the satisfaction of their desires in a long box - behave like children. There is a possibility that the feeling of emptiness and hunger to attention stretches from childhood.
They set a goal: to fill the inner emptiness as soon as possible, it's hunger for attention that accompanies them from childhood. Imagine how a hungry man makes shopping in the store. He greedily grabs everything that comes in hand. Such women their own top Qualities depreciate. For them, even honesty with themselves does not have the highest value. Thus appear "holes in the shower". They lose part of their personality, their integrity.
For them, the definition "Who am I?" It is considered only in the context of relationships with a man. If a healthy women They are engaged in the active construction of their lives, then dependent loves occupy a passive expectant position. They look at the man and children as "donors" of their happiness and completeness of existence. If dependent women Not happy, they shift the blame on the shoulders of others. And sincerely consider them responsible for this: "It is his fault, he ruined best years My life! "As a result - they are always embittered and feel victims, abandoned, disappointed, crushed and even more devastated. They never come to mind that, perhaps, the root of the problem may be that they are not self-sufficient.
After all, no one can make us happy instead of ourselves.

Healthy love

Self-sufficient Personality always adheres to the principle: "I am smart enough to be self-sufficient. I am worthy of love and therefore love." As long as a woman is true until she appreciates and accepts himself as it is, it will always be.
In people dependent This logic is perverted: "If they love me - it means I deserve this love." The need to cause affection is made dependent on external circumstances - from the relationship concrete person. It seems to fills the deficit of his "I".
Defeating yourself as a separate holistic personality, inability to accept and respect the individual and uniqueness of their beloved person - an extremely common phenomenon among dependent women. They are subject to constant unnecessary suffering.
Two souls loving people - These are the two shores, between which the sea splashes. From time to time they are near, but not too close. IN otherwise There is no personal space for self-development each of the partners. After all, one oak will not grow in the shade of another.
Phrase: "I can't live without you" I should immediately alert. Since this is not love, but parasitism of one person on the other. Real full-fledged love - this is free choice Two people live together, but each of them can live alone.

When love is too much: prevention of love dependence Moskalenko Valentina Dmitrievna

Love or addiction?

Love or addiction?

How to distinguish love, or healthy, safe attachment from unhealthy, pathological attachment? In other words, what is the difference between love happy from unhappy love?

Let's listen to Natalia. This is young, very attractive woman from higher education. Successful in their affairs, secured, economically independent. She is 31. There was never married. She says: "I'm chronically not lucky in love. I do not understand what is the reason. My character appeals, they say even pleasant. I am sociable, cheerful, in the company I can revive fun, I love dancing, doing fitness. I follow the figure. Male I like me. I also like men - serious, solid, smart and temperamental.

I recently had another novel, as always, the short-lived, four months we were familiar. Initially everything went well. He showed interest to me, I also liked it. I did not notice when and how it happened that he became more expensive for me in the world. I hovering on it. Yes, I unnecessarily called him. Yes, I did not hide that he was all for me! I wrapped up all his affairs, I was overflowing with his problems. I suffered when he was less and less paid attention. In the evenings, I hardly kept myself so as not to call him. I sat and stupidly waited for a call. I think he knew in what condition I was. He stopped calling at all. We broke up".

Natasha had several novels who flowed across a similar scenario. Initially, they like each other approximately equally. Then the insight comes: "This is - he!" Natasha can do nothing with him, she hangs on it. It takes their own interests, and even their girlfriends she lies somewhere. She is just nothing else, except about his beloved, does not think. Her love resembles obsession, addiction. She absorbs man with his attention. He has nothing to breathe, he does not have a psychological space for his life. His boundaries are broken, it invades him as an occupant, trying to subordinate it to himself. Her borders also came to the state of the collapse. But he leaves. She "suffocated" him in his arms.

Natasha Mount is infinite. She believes that life is over. Until new love breaks up, it hurts to look at Natasha. Eyes go out, the figure loses sports. From afar it is seen that she has no one. Finally, new meeting... and everything is repeated.

Does you remind you of the state of Natalia dependence on alcohol? Euphoria, depression. Rises and decline. The unfortunate need of love as an uncomfortable need for alcohol. Rock dependence.

There is even the word such "love" by analogy with alcoholism. "Loomsticks" always have little heat that gives partner. They cannot accept the fact that there are two separate "I", they want to exist in a single "we".

And this means an internal non-vital, dependence. If a person is dependent, it looms the danger to become unhappy. If the beloved slightly weakens her love, suffering begins. And if if it changes, it goes ... the severity of the state of the left woman in this case resembles the condition of the extension of that substance to which the addiction has been developed. Thumping syndrome. Requires a sip of the same - new Love In one case, alcohol - in the other, to make it easier.

Both alcoholism is a recurrent disease, that is, the repeated and scenario of "Lubogolism" is repeated. Alcoholic gives closhes - everything is enough, it is necessary to tie. An abandoned woman can also tell yourself: "Everything, I will not fall in love more. Some suffering from this love. "

This attempt to get rid of unfortunate love at the rational level. An attempt tolerate failure, as the powerful rises against this our subconscious. Only the ideas about their dependence, helplessness and unnecessaryness increase.

And girlfriends-goodwires are whispering: "Look at him. Is he worthy of your tears? " Hate arises. As if the switch was clicked. There was love and suddenly - once! And hatred. This is another misfortune.

So far, the indifferent, indifferent will come, calmly neutral attitude towards a person who brought suffering, happiness not to see. Recovery will not. As with alcoholism. So far, strong attraction to vodka, then no zaschers, no horror stories, no coding help. Recovery is possible in the case when deactualization of attraction is achieved. Simple wordsThen, when no longer pulls a painful way to alcohol.

If harmony reigns in the soul of man, then love, no matter how strong it is, does not compete with other attractions. On the contrary, healthy love will like all domestic powers - feeds creativity, reveals talents, gives a special depth of friendship, care for children, loved ones.

With love dependence with men occupy an exorbitant big place In life and displacing, depreciate everything else. Isn't Alcohol correctly with an alcoholic life, ousting or absorbing all other interests? Unhappy love is characterized by modified, offset experiences. Why did Natasha be so involved in the problems of the beloved man to leave even their girlfriends? If he calls, she is able to cancel any other meeting, any outlined matter.

Stereotype, the repeatability of the situation resembles the features of alcoholism. When a person who does not suffer from alcoholism is going to a party, it is impossible to predict in advance how he will behave there. It is possible that he will have a lot of drink. But this is optional. Everything will depend on the mood, from which company will be gathered.

The behavior of an alcoholic at a party can be calculated on the clock and minutes, from the first glass until the moment when he becomes unbearable and will begin to recover. There are women whose fate also can be calculated.

Whatever bitter days have to experience mentally healthy, emotionally mature woman, I always have a future. She can plan it. And its circumstances change, meets new person, Life can go differently. The most important indicator Mental health is a wide, multivariant modus of life.

The life of a woman suffering from love dependence is a non-stop glowing search for a man who will "give it all." He, according to her expectations, will fully turn her fate, even if there is no need for a coup.

In any human union, and in love, too, each of the participants must pass their half of the way to meet another. "Looming" in its irrepressive impulse rush to run the entire distance of the entire distance for themselves and for the partner.

As a rule, they poorly understand what the essence of the problem is. Often they see even the benefits in their ability to love. They believe that only chosen women can love so much. These are their natural psychological protection that helps to live. She prevents soberly look at the failure and try to escape.

One of the significant differences between women capable of healthy love that satisfies the relationship for both partners, and women suffering from love dependence is to self-esteem from those and others. Healthy women capable of love appreciate their minds, their qualities, their spiritual wealth, their identity. They themselves appreciate, and do not wait until someone else is evaluating them. These women know what they want from life and what they can do for themselves. Ask them to write a plan for your life for the next 5 years - this task will not make it difficult. In general, they will foresee their lives. They are able to make active efforts to implement their life plan.

Women prone to dependence, usually crazy from outside. For them, only the assessment of other people is somewhat saturated, feeds their unstable self-esteem. "If I won't be my wife, I will feel the failed person," said one quite decent woman. This woman considered himself valuable only next to a man. Only a man could provide her a sense of security and security, the feeling of "I am in order." She thought she would not even be able to exist without supporting man.

Healthy women are distinguished by emotional maturity. They can enjoy all their feelings. They can endure suffering, loneliness associated with spiritual growth. They are good and with them alone. They know the answer to the question: "Who am I?"

They have a well-developed self-discipline - they can postpone the satisfaction of desires. They have a more permanent mood. They do not have such a great amplitude of fate oscillations.

Dependent women, despite the intensity of their suffering, feelings are still superficial, the reaction is immature, like a teenager. Neither wait nor choose a decent partner they can not. Feelings are often changing, and shakes them from hell to paradise. It seems to be no matter from which they depend. If only someone was. They have bad self-discipline. They cannot postpone the satisfaction of their desires for later. Just like children.

Perhaps this is because from childhood in them there is a feeling of emptiness and hunger to attention. They strive to fill their inner emptiness as soon as possible, sink hunger to attention. A hungry man does a bad shopping. He is in a hurry and grabs what comes. These women are better than their best qualities on the wind, even honesty with themselves is not the highest value. And "holes in the shower" are formed. Lost some part of the individual, the integrity is lost, there is no sense of identity. They define "Who am I?" Only through relationships.

If healthy women actively build their lives, then dependent occupy a passive position. They look at the man and even on children as a source of their happiness and completeness of existence. If the "love" is not happy, then they consider others responsible for this: "He's guilty, he destroyed my youth!" As a result, they are infinitely angry and feel defeated, destroyed and even more devastable. Some disappointment. Perhaps the root of the problem in misappropriation.

In fact, no one can make another happy. For a person with high self-sufficiency, the feeling "I am worthy (worthy) of love and therefore love (love)". So it will be as long as the woman is true until she appreciates himself as it is.

In dependent people, this logic is perverted: "I am loved - it means I am worthy of love." The ability to cause affection is made dependent on external circumstances - from the relationship of a particular person. It seems to fills the deficiency "I".

Mature, independent personalities have long been psychologically separated from their parents and can now form a new emotional attachment. When they build a family, the separation of roles in the family they do not have such a rigid as dependent. Members healthy family Can change roles. This reduces their interdependence. At the same time, this is the training of survival alone, in case of partner loss.

The addicted persons are very difficult to separate themselves from their parents, change the long-standing job for a long time, and even devote themselves to entertainment, find their hobby. The loss of a partner for them is so terrible that they cannot even make preparations for it. They are very difficult to exercise in reducing dependence. They painfully give more freedom to another. Therefore, the roles in such a family are solid, institutions, rigid.

Dependent people even seek to increase infantile interdependence, and not reduce it. They thereby reduce their meaning, sabotize their freedom. Freedom of a partner, they also undermine constantly. Women demonstratively refuse to acquire new skills. They hoping their helplessness to tie a partner to themselves. Their position is a passive wait, without one's own effort. They want to receive love, care. They give them "and" take "not balanced, prevails the desire to take.

Inability to perceive and respect separateness, uniqueness, "Druitism" of a loved one is very common among such women. True, they are not perceived as individuals. This is the source of many unnecessary suffering.

On the intellectual level for them, other people exist. But at a deeper level for them, other people are only a reflection of their female existence. In the depths of the soul, the whole world is she herself.

Between the shores of the shower of loving people splashed the sea. Sometimes it's good to be near, but not very close. Otherwise, psychological tesna arises and there is no space for the development of each of the partners. One oak does not grow in the shade of another.

If it were so easy to get rid of love dependence, probably, there would be no good half of literature, art, songs, romances. Nevertheless, each of us chooses for itself - suffer and suffer about and without reason or be free.

Margaret Bitty in his book on television leads the following characteristics Love and love dependency (addiction). She believes that love occurs in an open system of relationships, and addiction is in closed. About systems in which we live, we will continue to talk further.

Comparison of the characteristics of love and unhealthy addiction (according to M.Bitti, 1997):

Disintegration of the relationship between love and unhealthy addiction (according to M.Bitti, 1997):