Living together: what you need to know in order to get together with your loved one. The divorce was fictitious. Claims and recriminations

Divorce is always the termination of marriage, but not always the termination of cohabitation and even not always the termination of family life. Moreover, a divorce does not mean that you can even give up on your personal life. It is possible and how! Divorce is simply a legal stage in life that you need to be able to adapt to.

Sometimes it happens that the former spouses are happy and continue to live together. There are a number of reasons for this, each such pair has its own reasons.

Reasons why ex-spouses live together

The divorce was fictitious

The concept of a fictitious marriage is known to many, but the concept of a fictitious divorce is not particularly widespread. However, sometimes spouses get divorced to solve some financial and housing issues, but at the same time they keep their family and continue to live together. For example, the total income does not allow them to receive any subsidies, subsidies and other measures of social support.

Such a family is practically no different from a family in which the marriage is not dissolved. As a rule, those around them do not even know that the spouses have divorced. Such a divorce does not affect children in any way. However, one must understand that such cohabitation is not a marriage, therefore it is not protected by law in any way.

The divorce was hasty, thoughtless

Typically, such a divorce happens between young spouses, unencumbered children. In the heat of a quarrel, they threaten each other to file for divorce and actually file an application with the registry office. In order not to "lose face", they go to formalize the divorce, but in fact they have no intention of truly breaking up.

These couples continue to live together and sometimes remarry, for example, when they become pregnant. Mature couples who already have children practically never have such divorces. Firstly, they value the family more and strive to preserve it, and secondly, it is possible to divorce, having children, only in court.

And the court always provides time for reconciliation, therefore, by the time of the divorce proceedings, the spouses who have no real intention to divorce will have time to change their minds.

Divorced spouses have nowhere to live separately

This happens if the family lived in a small apartment or even a room, the division of which would not allow purchasing housing for each of the spouses.

Or housing is registered for a minor child and therefore cannot be divided between the spouses, since they are not the owners. Or the family does not have its own housing at all, only rented, and they cannot afford to rent each spouse separately for themselves.

If the housing issue rests on the unwillingness of one of the spouses to share the jointly acquired dwelling, then it can be solved by going to court.

Divorced spouses do not want to advertise their new marital status for some reason

For example, in order not to traumatize the psyche of an elderly or seriously ill relative, spouses end family relations and only share shelter with each other. With the normal organization of life and neighborhood, the relationship of former spouses resembles the relationship of those living in a communal apartment.

If they do not have children, then they may well coexist peacefully next to each other. The presence of children will complicate the situation, since a clear change in the quality of relations will be noticed by them and will raise many questions.

Family visibility is preserved for the sake of the child

This is not always correct. Sometimes it is easier for a child to get over the stress of the news that his parents are divorced and will no longer live together than to witness the "cold war" between his closest people day after day. The child is sensitive to the fact that a different relationship is developing between his mother and father than they were before - without love, trust, and mutual assistance. The child begins to delve into himself, feels guilty of chilling parents to each other. This leads to various health disorders in children. Therefore, the supposedly humane preservation of the family "for the sake of the children" is actually very undesirable, since the harm from such preservation is much greater than the benefit.

Joint residency meets the needs of joint business

The ex-husband and wife have a chance to become reliable business partners for each other in such a situation. For example, a family has a business based on the place of residence - a mini-poultry farm, a farm, a beauty salon, a shop, a pet hotel, etc. Family relationships can exhaust themselves, but partnerships remain.

Therefore, a divorce will make it possible to re-arrange personal life without losing either your business or profit.

However, every couple living together after a divorce has their own reason.

Is it worth the former spouses to live together

It is normal, like a neighbor, to coexist with your ex-spouse only under a number of conditions:

• The ex-spouse does not abuse alcohol, does not use psychoactive and narcotic substances for personal use, in other words, does not transition into an asocial altered state;
• The ex-husband is not aggressive and does not show signs of violence against his ex-wife, otherwise it is simply dangerous to live with him;
• He does not insist on maintaining family relations if the wife does not want to renew this relationship with him, otherwise such harassment will sooner or later bring the woman to a nervous breakdown;
• He does not abuse the opportunity to live with his wife, arranging noisy gatherings with friends, bringing new women into the house, if the dimensions of the housing do not allow for intimacy (if the former spouses live in separate rooms, then they can bring to their living area whoever they think necessary, without violating the rights of another).
• He does not refuse to take part in paying for the use and maintenance of housing, in which he continues to live with his ex-wife.

Sometimes the cohabitation of spouses leads to a return marriage. But most often the marriage is not registered, even if the neighborly relationship has again become a full-fledged marital relationship.

It so happens that after a divorce, some time passes and the spouses understand that the “divorced” life does not suit them. Then they can start living together again after several years of separation. The relationship between them has a chance to become strong and stable, but only if they do not become jealous of each other for those partners with whom each had a relationship after the divorce.

Thus, living together after a divorce sometimes helps to rethink your life and return to each other, learn to truly value your family.

However, if the former spouses are clearly determined to completely end their relationship with each other, if the contradictions between them are excessively significant, if there can be no talk of maintaining normal good-neighborly relations between them, then living together will only exacerbate the mutual negativity. In this case, the most reasonable thing is to immediately disperse and resolve all legal issues remotely.

In general, living with a former spouse is a rather ambiguous concept. Psychologists, for example, tend to believe that in this situation a man considers himself free, and a woman is married. On the one hand, this allows a woman to feel more confident, on the other, her ability to feel free and establish a new life can be significantly impaired.

He is cohabitation, every year it is gaining popularity among residents of large cities. Living together without officially registering a relationship has its pros and cons. It can be seen as a rehearsal for family life, an experience, a test of feelings, or the most convenient option for a relationship. Among couples in which both a man and a woman have already been in the role of spouses, a civil marriage is a kind of symbol of tranquility. He becomes a conscious choice of two, familiar with the intricacies of family life. What about girls who decide to live with a guy for the first time? What to expect from a new experience, and what pitfalls will be encountered along the way? We share our experience.

Underwater rocks

The first months will be especially difficult: you will get to know the person again. Say goodbye to the idealized image and get ready to accept the person for who they are, without romantic embellishments.

disadvantages

Your boyfriend is not perfect. It is not difficult to guess this even before living together, but it will be possible to determine the scale of imperfection only in conditions of a merciless life. Prepare for special difficulties if the young man lived with his mother before. A guy spoiled in a family is used to the fact that everything in the house is done without his participation: the plate left on the table is washed by itself, the socks scattered in the corners are washed by themselves, and the food appears by itself.

Young people who have tasted the delights of living separately are more prepared for living together. Every bachelor knows how to serve himself at a primitive level. With a fortunate combination of circumstances, he has talents for cooking, cleaning and washing. At first, household little things will haunt you at every step: splashes of paste on the mirror, the floor in the corridor trampled by dirty shoes, crumbs in the kitchen, and maybe in bed. As lucky as anyone! Do not despair. You can fight harmful addictions, the main thing is not to confuse them with innate character traits.

Deficiencies can also show up in a guy's habits. For example, a loud sneeze that sounds like thunder from an orchestra pit, from which the whole house shakes with you. Some voiceless men love to sing in the bathroom early in the morning, disturbing the sensitive sleep of the lady of the heart. Patience, you have a long job ahead of you.

Finance

In most cases, there are two issues of concern:

the girl earns more than the guy,
the guy's salary is higher than that of the girl.

You need to choose a convenient budget option based on the views of both partners:

The general budget - all the money is added up in one "heap", the costs are discussed in advance. The desires of both partners are taken into account. If this month the girl bought a handbag, then next month the guy will buy a prefix. No sexual privileges unless agreed upon beforehand. For example, guys spend less money on cosmetics than girls, this is their advantage. While a female representative replenishes supplies of lipstick, mascara and blush, the young man sets aside money to buy a laptop. But here's the bad luck: a girl can also dream of an expensive purchase, which she will not see in a similar situation. How to be? Explain to a man that cosmetics are among the essentials: she gives her a beautiful appearance, he - the opportunity to enjoy a lovely concubine.
Partially the total budget is the amount to pay for the apartment and general household expenses. It is divided equally. The couple disposes of the remaining money of their own free will.
One of the partners takes full responsibility for housing and household expenses. More often it turns out to be a man, but there are also business ladies who are ready. If a girl is financially dependent on a roommate, as a rule, she is engaged in all the household chores.

Couples starting to live together have a hard time managing the costs. Calculate a budget to resolve this issue. At first, accounting for purchases will provide invaluable help and save you from unnecessary quarrels.

Responsibilities

There is one destructive stereotype in the minds of the overwhelming majority of men: housekeeping is a purely female business. Such an alignment is justified only in one case: when all financial obligations lie with the guy. If both work in a pair, then household chores are divided into two.

Girls in the very first weeks of life together make one fatal mistake: they try to play the role of an ideal hostess. What is the danger?

You will not have enough strength to cope with the harshly piled up responsibilities. Even an experienced hostess needs an assistant, what can we say about a girl taking the first steps in life together? Life will exhaust you and squeeze out all the juices of life.
The guy will get used to it and sit on his neck. If you don't teach a young man to help with the housework right away, then you won't be able to do it later. He will get used to the position of the "master" and will not want to part with it.

Traditionally, men are entrusted with taking out the trash, washing dishes, a simple part of cleaning, but in each pair, the division of duties is individual. Some roommates actively practice complete equality: everyone cooks for himself, cleans up after himself, washes his things.

Personal space

At first, partners think that spending 24 hours a day together is a dream and real happiness. After a couple of days / weeks, young people realize that they cannot do it. The desire for solitude is a natural desire that must not only be respected, but also done everything to fulfill it. Let each partner choose their territory for the rest. It's good if these are different rooms. And if not? Someone has a computer desk, and someone a sofa and a TV. Hobbies are also a sphere of personal interests, which should not be interfered with without a good reason. But don't go to extremes. Organize your time so that you can be together and relax separately.

Sex

Until a girl and a boyfriend live together, sex in 90% of cases has a planned nature. This is especially true for women. The realization that today the girl will stay with the guy alone and spend a stormy night with him is a psychological prelude.

When living together, sex takes on a spontaneous and at the same time compulsory character. It's hard for a girl to switch to an intimate mood after a working day and household chores. Sex loses its brightness. In especially difficult days (and the first months there will be many), sexual intimacy can also cause a feeling of disgust. Boys are not immune from this situation either. In the conditions of a joint life, the physiological characteristics of partners are also revealed: one wants sex every day, the other once every three days.

Worldview

Each person is brought up and grows up in individual conditions, has a subjective experience and a system of views on the world. Conflicts can be different: atheist and believer, democrat and monarchist, Slavophil and Westernizer. But if global philosophical and political issues can be bypassed, then what to do with everyday troubles? The girl is a vegetarian, and the guy is a meat eater. The situation is not easy. But even in it you will have to look for a compromise that will solve the issue of cooking, smells and aesthetic tastes.

Prejudice

During their life together, young people will have to face personal prejudices and false ideas about civil marriage that wander among others.

Already married

Girls think living together is forever. In a couple of months or years, the guy will propose, they will play a wedding, have children and live together until old age. Alas, reality is different from a dream. and tend to disintegrate.

Still free

For a man, cohabitation is the ghost of freedom. You can always leave if something goes wrong.

Not seriously

Civil marriage is considered to be. It's right. But cohabitation is an effective test that helps to make the right decision. Young people realize whether they are ready for marriage and family creation or not. This saves from the tragic mistakes common among hurried newlyweds.

Will not take as a wife

This stereotype rests on the idea of ​​a man as a lustful animal, eager for sex. Yes, some guys get one-sided benefits from cohabitation, but you should not judge all men by them.

Cradle of debauchery

You still condemn intimacy outside of marriage among the inveterate guardians of morality who grew up in the years of the USSR. But young people do not share such ideas. Despite this, on a subconscious level, young people may experience shame and actively fight against the prejudices imbedded by the older generation.

When solving difficulties, remember that it is impossible to remake another person for yourself. But it becomes a victim and it is also not worthwhile to load an unbearable burden on your shoulders. The purpose of lapping is to make living together comfortable. Over time, you adapt to new roles and conditions, find a common rhythm and points of contact.

You ask for advice, and it is wise, but the decisions are still up to you. So listen. what you will be told, and let your conscience in this case tell you how to proceed. So that my answer is not confused, I will try to divide it into parts.

1. I think that I understand your feelings, not only with my mind, and therefore I sympathize with your pain and torment. And I really want your soul to find comfort and peace.

Is happiness possible after divorce?

Well, it has already happened! Something has happened that almost never plans in advance. No, of course, there are people who get married for money or some other purpose and then immediately plan a divorce. But what if you, like most normal people, loved, met, lived together, took care of each other, and suddenly a divorce !?

In fact, if we look at divorce statistically, we see a huge divorce rate.

Are there those who are together again after a divorce and are happy together?

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We live together after a divorce

Divorce, as a rule, is the collapse of the family and all relationships. Is it possible, after a loud break, to continue to maintain good communication and live together in the same territory is a difficult question. But what to do, and how to behave in such a situation, if life throws people new tests and tests? Let's try to figure it out.

Often, the notorious housing issue pushes the former spouses to cohabitation.

Life after divorce

Is there life after? This is how those who divorced most often ask themselves inconsolably - often with tears, scandal and bad relations with the “ex”. In this section, I want to talk about quite adult people who divorced or separated, remained in a formal marriage, after 15-30 years of marriage.

And the general reason is one - a midlife crisis, most often in men. After 40 years.

How to live after a divorce?

It is clear that not everyone is painfully experiencing parting with her husband. And, as a rule, those who are younger get used to the new status easier and faster and even find many advantages in it. But what about those for whom a gap is like a knife in the back?

No, this does not mean that you need to enroll in the ranks of "divorced women" and buy up all the new albums of Stas Mikhailov ... You see, they have already smiled, and this is just one banal joke.

How to start living anew after a divorce?

Divorce is always difficult. For both the woman and the man. It is hard when a loved one once becomes not only completely alien, but also an enemy. After all, it is no secret that most often divorce is accompanied by unpleasant scenes of the division of jointly acquired property, "pulling" children to their side and other things that leave deep, long-lasting wounds in the soul. Many begin with mutual hatred, which they bring into their future lives.

We live together after the divorce

Definitely NO. no, of course, what kind of life it will be. then you get tired of running around psychologists No, it's not worth it. In such a family, the child will not see harmony and love between parents and, accordingly, it will not be possible to learn real feelings.

divorced and then got together after 9 months, lived 2 more years and I could not stand it - they parted, which I’m insanely happy, of course, sorry for the time and nerves spent, but now I know for sure there are no former alcoholics and liars are horror-horror! and not.

After a divorce, do you want to be together again?

People will, of course, marry again after divorce. There are many. But we won't talk about many. We will talk about those who, after a divorce, enter into a new marriage with old partners. The popular rumor with the well-known expression that “you cannot enter the same river twice” is, oddly enough, right, because if you carefully read Herodotus, “the one who entered the second time is washed by other waters. ".

It happens that people part, and then find each other to start all over again.

American psychologists call divorce the death of a relationship. This is indeed the case. A couple who have decided on a final separation, as a rule, are not eager to communicate in the future. But in our country, there are often cases when former spouses have to lead a life together after a divorce.

Divorce is a serious step. For some, it turns out to be a long-awaited deliverance, while others experience it as a tragedy.

When a relationship is at the candy-bouquet stage, it seems that nothing better can happen to you and cannot: a man carries you in his arms, gives flowers, strews with compliments and admires your beautiful eyes. And the only thing you want even more than just seeing him on dates in the evenings is to be with him all the time, wake up and fall asleep in the same bed, cook dinner and drink tea in the same kitchen, hang clothes in a common wardrobe and enjoy the fact that now you are almost a family. However, life together is not always so rosy, and our ideas often differ from reality. Especially if we make one after another gross mistakes and break what we have not yet managed to build.

If it seems to you that living together is just moving things to his apartment, and then enjoying your morning coffee in bed, then most likely you have not yet had to take such a crucial step. When you meet in neutral territory, but each sleep in your apartment, it is very easy and simple to create the appearance of who you want to be in the eyes of your beloved. With him, you are a beautiful, charismatic, well-groomed, athletic, real girl-lighter, and an hour before that at home, in a hurry, wash your hair, pick up an outfit, scattering all your things around the room, clean your ears and forget to throw used cotton swabs into the trash can. As soon as the moment comes for your reunion on the common living space, the man will have to see everything that was so carefully hidden from his eyes for a long time, and you should take care that he does not lose interest in you. In general, you probably already realized that starting a life together is a very important step for all couples, and you need to take it seriously.

It is not for nothing that they say that true relationships must withstand two tests: distance and general life. So, before putting the last blouse in your suitcase, take the time and read about what mistakes you should never make, so as not to come back with the same suitcase in a month.

A la nature

Of course, you should not jump out of bed even dawn, so that while he sleeps, apply "war paint" and appear in front of your beloved fully armed - after a couple of weeks of such a regime you risk falling off from lack of sleep. However, it is also not worth teaching a man that now you will always walk at home without makeup. Firstly, he did not fall in love at all with a fighter for naturalness in a bathrobe, and, most likely, you prepared for dates to the maximum: mascara, shadows, lipstick, and also a beautiful dress and high-heeled shoes. And, secondly, when you declare to your beloved that the make-up is not needed at home, but when you are going somewhere, put on makeup like for a beauty pageant, you offend him very much. The man understands: she wants to be attractive to others, but not to me. Therefore, try to take care of your appearance, even if today is Sunday and you are not planning to go anywhere. Don't relax.

Under control

For some reason, many women believe that living together with a man gives them some powers and now they have access to what was previously prohibited. The favorite way to cover a man with a "cap" is to constantly inspect his pages on social networks, read SMS and incoming mail, and also track all his calls. Sometimes it reaches the point of absurdity, and women demand an account of every step: where they were, with whom they spoke, what they saw, what they ate, whether they blew their nose into a handkerchief, etc. Agree, you would not tolerate such an attitude towards yourself, so why should he? Plus, this behavior is similar to maternal care, and your man already has one mother, you should not turn into a second one.

Agree, you would not tolerate such an attitude towards yourself, so why should he?

Prohibited

Feeling that now they have much more rights to their man than before, women go into a rage: in addition to total control, they also include the "ban" regime. From now on, very, very many things are prohibited: Saturday trips with friends to the bathhouse (“What if you bring women there?”), Joint viewing of matches in sports bars (“There are a lot of women around who want to fool you”), as well as the football games themselves or weekend volleyball (“You probably don’t play at all, but go to women”). Some "almost spouses" become obsessed and try to plan the time of their beloved on their own: in the morning to work, then resignedly to go home (no friends!), From there for groceries to the store, and then to Aunt Masha for potatoes. Tell me, are you ready to give up gatherings with friends, shopping and cafes? Unlikely. Such a life will be like a cage. Do you think a man wants to sit in a cage, and even on a leash?

"If he loves, he will understand"

The beginning of life together is a very difficult period also because in one place the orders and laws of two different families suddenly collide: yours and his. Mom taught him that the dishes must be washed immediately after eating, and you are "sinful" and put it in a neat pile in the sink. Your father never scattered socks around the apartment, and your lover now and then leaves them behind a sofa or under a chair. It is clear that some things will annoy you, and in no case should you be silent about them. You should not rely on his telepathic abilities and think that a loving person will understand everything without words. Will not understand. Therefore, calmly, without hysteria, explain to your beloved that his socks make you nervous and he would help you a lot if he himself put them in the basket for dirty linen. Just do not be in a hurry to be offended when he asks you to wash the dishes immediately after a meal - everything is fair with you.

You should not rely on his telepathic abilities and think that a loving person will understand everything without words. Will not understand.

"Yours, mine are ours"

Would you call all your relatives to the house of your beloved, without warning him about it, if you did not live together? Of course not! It is also not worth doing when the living space becomes common. This does not mean at all that your mother's visit must be fully approved, but you can tell the man simple: “In a week, mom will come to us for a couple of days” you can. It's not difficult for you to warn your loved one about an imminent meeting with your mother-in-law? In the end, having chosen you as a life partner, he did not choose your whole family and, unfortunately, should not be happy with absolutely all unplanned visits.

If you and your man are thinking about living together, you should know what you need to prepare for.

Long distance relationships are one thing. Meeting in the evenings after a working day is a different, but completely different relationship - living together with a man. Civil marriage for you will open a man from the other side, unfamiliar to you, however, and will be able to make you come to terms with certain rules. Although this is all not very bad, if you look at such changes correctly.

Living together with a man: what you need to know

Kitchen . Now cooking will become a constant process for you, which should not be skipped in any way. If your loved one knows how to hold a saucepan in his hands, or how much pasta needs to be cooked, kitchen duties can be divided into two. For example, if you are preparing your morning breakfast on the weekend, then entrust a man to make sandwiches while you put on your makeup or take your morning shower. It is important to set the rules initially, which the two of you will follow. The same can be said about cleaning the apartment: someone takes out the trash, someone can wipe the dust, and someone can vacuum. It is necessary at the initial stage to agree that this function applies not only to one of the spouses - it is collective work.

Always near. Once you start living together, the problems will go away, since you will not have to go on a date after a working day. Your beloved man will always be there, and with him resentment, reverent attitude, irritation and love. This should not scare you, you just need to learn how to distribute your own space, of course, if there is a need for it.

Home theater. The big advantage is that you will be spending a lot of time together. So, for example, watching a movie will become the best pastime together, and you will watch famous TV series in whole collections.

Shared piggy bank. From now on, your finances will be combined, and this should not be sad news for you. You two will spend money on bills, household expenses and food. However, no one canceled women's needs, for which a little more finance can be allocated.

No need to pump. In a civil marriage, the level of irascibility, tolerance will be tested, there will be many reasons for small scandals. However, it is worth starting good habits from the beginning - you will both learn to sidestep conflicts and yield to each other. Therefore, if a man wants to watch a football match, and you are your favorite romantic series, then these views can be distributed to a computer and TV, thereby avoiding a conflict of interest.