23.04.2019

Men choose loneliness. Ways to combat male loneliness. Negative experiences in the past

Fickle Don Juans, old bachelors, devoted sons... How do women explain to themselves why a man is lonely?

“I have no prejudice against bachelors,” says 46-year-old Sofia. “I draw for myself the image of an original, independent, like myself!” Divorced 38-year-old Polina, mother of three daughters, is afraid of men who “stewed in their own juice for 40 years.” She believes that they are “selfish, womanizing and obsessed with their independence. How can they fit a woman with children into their lives and remain faithful to her?” Women's judgments are firm and sometimes harsh. They reflect their expectations and often disappointments. Successful and independent, loners and seekers love adventures- their stereotypes are similar, despite differences in personal life experiences.

"Seducer"

This is how many women see unmarried people. Unreliable, sexually incontinent, narcissistic, this man loses interest in a lady as soon as he receives signs of reciprocal sympathy. Generations of deceived women branded the men who abandoned them and passed on to their daughters their indignation and hostility towards such male image. However, the responsibility for breaking up does not always lie with the man.

“Sometimes women unwittingly provoke a breakup themselves,” notes family psychologist Inna Shifanova, - because of the belief that it is impossible to love them constantly and the relationship (sooner or later) will fall apart. Those who were unloved in childhood or betrayed in their first love union retain the fear of being rejected. They avoid communication or create obstacles to it themselves: jealousy, insatiable demand for attention, tightness, comparison of a partner with other men prevent them from opening up to another and being fully involved in the relationship. Their feelings are contradictory: they want a relationship, but they are afraid of suffering again.”

"Old Bachelor with Oddities"

An eccentric who has always lived alone, unable to give up any of his habits and is afraid of any change - another image of a bachelor. The stereotype is not entirely harmless: it helps a woman forget that love is concessions and compromises on both sides, and at the same time hide from herself her own bachelor habits. For example, on Sundays, stay in your pajamas until two o'clock in the afternoon or watch five episodes of Desperate Housewives in a row.

Inna Shifanova says: “When I ask single clients what is most important to them in possible relationships, they often answer: “I want him to be kind, give me flowers (buy an apartment, a car), become good father" Women talk only about him, the psychologist notes, about their expectations, sometimes contradictory. But love is a path that has to be taken towards each other.”

"Sissy"

A familiar image - secretly in love with own mother, a man dependent on her. He seeks the protection of a woman, but is afraid of falling under her control. It has attractive features: raised by a woman, he speaks about feelings more easily than his “courageous” brothers; Having gotten used to obeying, she willingly fulfills her friend’s wishes.

“But few women want to compete with his mother,” explains the psychologist. - If a friend manages to take the place of a “caring mother”, the unconscious prohibition against incest will kill her sex appeal in the eyes of a partner." Moreover, independent adult woman is unlikely to want to appear in public with " mama's boy", whose insecurities and sensuality can jeopardize her self-respect. Perhaps she will even prefer a hidden homosexual to him: at least you can have a pleasant time with him, although you should not count on a long-term relationship.

"Abandoned Husband with a Broken Heart"

There are many prejudices against such a man. They believe he is using his new girlfriend like a nurse: she will understand and console, raise her fallen self-esteem. And if he has children, the woman will have to take care of them and conduct diplomatic negotiations with her ex-wife.

"Comparison with ex-wife painful, but inevitable,” notes the family psychologist. “Even if a man remains silent, a woman will still think whether she treats children this way, whether she manages the household worse than her predecessor.” Many women, when looking for a partner, prefer widowers who yearn for life as a couple. They often idealize a lost friend, but still strive to enter into new ones. strong relationships, seeing in them protection from old age. “Widowers go straight to their goal,” says 40-year-old Valeria. “They are more mature and feel less sorry for themselves.”

Objective view

Whether stereotypes about single men are justified or not, they remain as tenacious as the old good fairy tale about a handsome prince. A man must be in love, attentive, courageous, with a sense of humor, independent and reliable... Everything happens as if women had previously determined the ideal that men must meet in all respects. However, stereotypes can also say a lot about the character of those who, with their help, are trying to attach another label.

“Each of us has our own system of ideas, fears, expectations that come from experience, parent scripts And public installations, - reflects Inna Shifanova. “Wanting to be objective, we actually sift reality through the sieve of our stereotypes: the more there are, the smaller the gaps.” It is difficult to get rid of the “grid” because we simply do not notice it. Moreover, to some extent, it really protects us from mistakes. But, alas, also from discoveries! And often the price of such “wisdom” is loneliness.

We are all, men and women, unique. That's why it's sometimes so difficult for us to find a mate - and that's why when we find one, it brings us so much joy.

Why do they stay lonely?

There are so many women around them who dream of finding a life partner - but these men refuse to enter into long term relationship. What are underlying reasons, encouraging them to hold tightly to their loneliness?

“I’m tired of everyone feeling entitled to ask me why I’m not getting married,” says 48-year-old Mikhail. - To get rid of them, I bought wedding ring and put it on left hand, as if one were divorced or widowed. If they still ask me a question about what this means, I don’t lie - I just take a deep breath and say: “Better not ask!” Usually this is enough."

It is impossible to name with certainty one or even several reasons why a man prefers loneliness, our experts say. The solution may lie in family history, and in sexual problems. “Even a survey won’t help here,” says family psychologist Inna Shifanova. - Because among the reasons for loneliness may be, for example, hidden homosexuality. Many men won’t admit it even to themselves and may prefer complete abstinence.”

Isn't this the key to some platonic novels, in which dates and frank conversations do not lead to physical intimacy and often leave women perplexed? “This is not excluded, but the reason may be different,” notes sexologist Irina Panyukova. - Become sexually incompetent, especially after long break in sexual life, many men are afraid and therefore avoid any physical contact. Women often do not realize how vulnerable men are in this area. And subsequently, fear can overpower or completely suppress desire.”

A patient and generous woman can help a man overcome many fears. However, experts remind that there are also problems that cannot be solved without the help of a psychologist - and this can only be done if the man himself wants these changes.

Not everyone knows how to live alone as a man. If a person lives alone for a long time, then he gets so used to it that it is difficult for him to imagine his Cohabitation with another person.

Habits include daily activities, household management, a way to relax and have fun exactly the way he himself wants it. For many men, the very fact that everything will have to change is very frightening, and they long years They don’t want to start families.

Sooner or later in everyone’s life there comes a time when he strives to acquire a loved one in order to give him his care. But not all men know what to do, and at the same time begin to feel dissatisfied with their lives.

Reasons for male loneliness

In fact, there may be several reasons:

Excessive demands on their chosen ones.
Selfish motives. This type of man does not strive to make someone happy, much less take into account someone’s opinions and desires.
Workaholics and careerists. A large percentage of single men belong to this type. They can be wonderful, caring and loving husbands, but they simply have no time to find their life partner. Such people simply do not have time and energy left for their personal lives.
Representatives of the stronger sex with certain complexes or with poorly developed communication skills. Perhaps one of these people had a negative experience in or went through with their chosen one. This group includes a large percentage of men who were unable to overcome difficulties in communicating with girls and resigned themselves to loneliness.

Based on the reasons why loneliness occurred in men, there is a need to look for a way out of this situation and a desire to change their lives. Most often, men from the category of workaholics, those who have had negative experiences or have certain difficulties in communicating with women, think about how to get rid of loneliness. For these people, loneliness can be a burden; they can hardly cope with it, which will gradually lead to internal attitudes that prevent them from being happy and successful.

Psychologists say that single men lose their desire for love over time. spiritual growth, they are not interested in self-development and self-improvement, they do not strive for anything. The familiar and established way of life suits them quite well, and the desire to be better, more interesting and more successful gradually decreases.

A lonely person begins to perceive this state of affairs as inevitable and inevitable, and attempts to change something are made less and less often. If we talk about bachelors, then at a certain moment, when in the usual male company all friends will be with their families or with close girlfriends, there will be internal discontent yourself and your life.

Such a man will not be extradited external manifestations dissatisfaction, on the contrary, he always, often makes fun of his comrades, the first assistant for women in the kitchen and housework. People often talk about them with bewilderment and wonder why he is so good, but is still alone. No one sees or knows the real feelings and motives for such behavior.

Concerning male egoism and too high demands on women, then here the torment of one’s position is not so painful. As a rule, they consider themselves lonely through no fault of their own; there are simply no worthy ones, or the time has not come to start a family. Such men do not think about how to get rid of loneliness; most often they hide behind their bachelor status and live for themselves, avoiding personal attachments and responsibilities.

Ways to combat male loneliness

By understanding the mistakes made by single men, you can understand where the real problem, and what needs to be changed in yourself or in your life. For the loneliest person, the reasons that led to such a state may not be visible - this is how the psyche of representatives of the stronger sex is structured that one should not show one’s weaknesses, but rather disguise them.

This is very important stage and, having gone through it, you can understand how to get rid of loneliness. Each case is individual, important role play not only the factors leading to male loneliness, but also personal qualities, type of temperament, age of the person and length of stay in this status. How to overcome internal installations that a lonely guy created for himself? They act as a defense mechanism during periods of introspection and constant reflection on the problem.

There cannot be a general rule on how to get rid of loneliness; everyone needs to choose their own methods of dealing with this phenomenon.

And with great demands on a woman, you should adhere to 3 rules when communicating with girls:

It is necessary to respect each individual and see in him not an object, but a living person with his own shortcomings and merits. You may not meet your ideal companion in your lifetime.
Learn self-criticism and attitude towards weaker sex show not arrogance, but patronizing. A man's destiny is to protect and protect his chosen one.
Try to care in an unusual way, organize an unusual romantic date, which will take into account various little things, so beloved by your chosen one. This will help you focus more on the other person's personality, rather than just yourself.

Negative experiences in the past

For those who have or have had negative experiences in relationships, we can recommend the following:

If the events happened not so long ago, then it takes time to be ready for a new relationship. As a rule, this is a year; there’s no point in delaying it any longer. After thinking about what led to this outcome and doing correct conclusions, you can try to establish new relationships.
If the question is how to survive loneliness, you should take care of yourself and your self-improvement. It could be anything - a new hobby, sports, music, travel, a change in activity, a lot of activities that are worth spending your time and energy on.
Traumatic events (divorce, betrayal, or loss of a loved one) lead to feelings of fear or uncertainty about success. Having recognized his fear, a man will understand how to overcome loneliness. Life must go on, and let previous failures become a lesson and experience that will make a person stronger and stronger, wiser and more attentive. If you have the right attitude, then any changes in life will be perceived as a new level.

Problems with communication skills can be easily corrected with psychological trainings or consultations, they will be given practical advice How to overcome indecisiveness and communicate beautifully and competently. This problem must be solved as soon as you realize that it is the inability to express your feelings and talk with people of the opposite sex that is an obstacle to a happy relationship.

For people missing work most time, it is worth making drastic lifestyle changes. They say about such people - you live at work. But sometimes you need to think about yourself. First you need to select free time for your personal needs. Let it be a trip, meeting with friends, going to the cinema or bowling, whatever, the main thing is to be in an environment where there is an opportunity to make new friends. IN otherwise Over the years, starting a family and getting rid of loneliness becomes more and more difficult.

It is necessary to know how to get rid of loneliness for a man, since this condition can lead to changes in personality and leave an imprint on character and on the perception of the world as a whole. Representatives strong half Humanity have a natural destiny to protect their home and loved ones, to be strong and reliable for someone, to solve problems and achieve success in any activity.

It is important that a man takes the first step towards changing his life, and then loneliness can be overcome.

“Everyone has their own loneliness,

On it lies the stamp of an invisible secret,

Who is intoxicated with loneliness, how blessed he is,

And who is melancholy and sad..."

And loneliness, it’s strange to hear. " Atypical situation- many people think so, loneliness and a woman - yes, a typical couple!” Meanwhile, there are no less lonely men than lonely women.

Loneliness is a state of mind. How lonely is a single man?

Loneliness is a human problem

“Loneliness is a socio-psychological phenomenon, emotional condition person, associated with the absence of loved ones, positive emotional connections with people and/or with the fear of losing them.”

One of the main problems of humanity is loneliness. A multimillion-dollar city, work colleagues, friends, but a person feels lonely. Why? Loneliness is not the presence of someone nearby, it is a state of mind. Who suffers more from loneliness: women or men? There is no definite answer! Even psychologists find it difficult to answer this question; everyone has their own loneliness, but the consequences are the same for everyone. Despair, a feeling of hopelessness, despondency, torment of the soul.

Established by nature

And the Lord said: “It is not good for man to be alone.” Being

Man, man at the dawn of civilization was lonely, and this is inherent in nature. He had to get food alone, survive alone.

Time passed, life changed, traditions changed. Boys from childhood were raised to be courageous, warriors, protectors, breadwinners, heads of the family! Credit must be given for this social institutions of the past. Having such roots, men easier than women relate to loneliness.

Reasons for male loneliness

Men very rarely talk about loneliness, somehow they prefer to talk about women, about their exploits, aspirations, and only occasionally, after drinking too much about the pain of loneliness, are they even able to cry. And in the morning, having sobered up, out of shame he is ready to sink into the ground for his weakness. There is a bitter aftertaste in my soul and even more sad.

So what are the reasons for male loneliness? First, let's divide loneliness into social loneliness and psychological or emotional loneliness.

Social loneliness

Man is a social being and is subject to the general society. Despite the Internet social media and advanced technologies, modern generation They believe that they are susceptible to loneliness and, above all, social loneliness.

It is generally accepted that a person should have a family: children, joint family budget and the ensuing circumstances. If a man does not have such a “set”, he is considered lonely. Although the man himself may not consider himself such. As a rule, such men call themselves free. Even while in civil marriage, most of them consider themselves single and free.

Psychological loneliness

Psychological loneliness of a man, and indeed of a person in general depends on its internal warehouse.

A man may be lonely due to his character or deformation of personality development.

Writers, artists, scientists, inventors prefer to live alone. They have ideas, formulas, etc. in their heads, and a woman for them is superfluous, as they say: “The third is extra!”

“An introvert is a person whose mental makeup is characterized by concentration on his own inner world, isolation, contemplation, one who is not inclined to communicate and has difficulty establishing contacts with the outside world" Wikipedia

Unfortunately, in Lately There are more and more infantile mother's boys. And there are also romantic young men who received a treacherous blow from their beloved girl and lost faith. There are also sexist people.

"Genophobia - fear of women"

But, there are also men who do not belong to any of these categories, but consider themselves lonely. Among these there are many married men. Why does this happen? There are quite a lot of reasons. This:

Mutual disappointment
Shifting roles. Women are becoming more and more independent, and men are the opposite.
Formation of new values
Loss of life meanings

It's scary to think where society is heading! But is everything really that bad? Is it really impossible to fix anything and break the vicious circle of loneliness? Of course you can!

How to fix the situation

What to do to avoid lonely men? Large share responsibility lies on the shoulders of the parents. Raise real men, not wimps and selfish people.

A boy should know from childhood that he future man, let's remember. A young man must not only grow, but also develop spiritually. Parents should not brush aside their son’s experiences, they should talk to the child, help deal with adult life. Mom and dad must teach their son to understand girls. Most true friend and the parent's assistant is trust.

As an adult, it is trust that will help overcome loneliness together, that is, the loneliness of a married man.

Although, to be honest, many representatives of the stronger sex often refer to alienation with their spouse, covering up their infidelity. As the saying goes, “there is no smoke without fire.”

But it won’t save you from loneliness! A man, unfortunately, is not satisfied with one role in his wife: an excellent cook or a wonderful lover. He needs everything at once! Again, the weaker sex must be stronger than the stronger. A wife should be good in bed, be able to cook all sorts of goodies, and keep the apartment clean, so that her beloved husband does not feel lonely. C'est la vie, as the French say!

Maybe he is incapable of love or an inveterate bachelor?
Why is he still single?
Maybe he's selfish?
Or maybe he is mentally ill?
And many more reasons...

Girls should get to know their future life partner well before going to the registry office. And before you go to bed, it wouldn’t hurt to know who you’re with.

You should not idealize your future spouse; the consequences will be very serious.

What to do with a single man? First of all, help him grow up, and for this you need to be an adult yourself. Yes, men, at least the majority, are big children!

Look also

What if a man doesn’t like women and the people around him, lives with past memories and feels good with himself? Having fallen in love, such a man can devote part of his time to a woman, and then begins to annoy him that she is constantly nearby.

This is the type of single man, a man who is more comfortable in the company of himself than anyone else. He tries to avoid dependence on other people, including loved ones.

Who is he - a single man and how to get along with him?

Men suffering from loner syndrome are very similar to each other.

They try to build relationships in such a way as not to let the person get close.

Marriage seems like an ordeal to them.

Most of these men are bachelors.

It is almost impossible for him to make calls or unnecessary attentions.

A single man can remain sexually abstinent for a long time.

He believes that he has nothing to attract women. Many of them are sure that women only need money.

Wait They have a lot of complexes. At home, such a man can claim that he is not afraid of anything. But as soon as he goes out into society, he begins to feel inferior.

There are no authorities for them. They only listen to themselves.

They know how to do a lot and take care of themselves independently.

They have favorite hobby or hobby.

As a rule, a man's loner syndrome begins in childhood, when he felt the need for affection and love, but did not receive it from his parents, especially from his mother. Such children begin to feel frustrated heartache and fear for your future. As adults, they acquire many complexes and self-doubt.

Living with a single man is a constant reminder to a woman of her imperfections.

But a single man can become a good father because he will always find something that will be interesting to his children. In most cases, this smart people, who do not waste time on trifles.

If life brought you together with a single man and you fell in love with a typical individualist, then you need to remember that it is impossible to re-educate him.

Tips on how to get along with a single man

Don't think that this man needs your attention. Don't try to give him what he didn't receive as a child. Increased attention and care will only irritate him. And he himself will not be able to take as much love from you as he needs.

Remember that such a man needs solitude, he wants to spend more time alone. Don't reproach him if he doesn't want to go have fun with you.

Keep in mind that he will make most decisions on his own without consulting you.

If a single man begins to talk about how bad he is, then he needs to be dissuaded from this. Such a man must be praised for the slightest detail. He needs this.

You need to find something that is interesting to a single man, find interesting feature, which can unite you.

You can get along with a single man if you don’t listen to loud music, don’t attract too much attention to yourself, if you don’t throw tantrums and don’t ruin his life. If he begins to feel that a woman is interfering with his life, he will try to break up with the lady. You need to learn to adapt to such a man or learn to live “without him”, living with him in the same territory.

Text: Svetlana Akhi

Single women in our time do not surprise anyone: there are much more of them than the stronger sex. It would seem that in conditions of a “scarcity” of men, the latter should be worth their weight in gold. Why then do some men still remain free? And is it worth spending time and effort on them? Let's look at the reasons for male loneliness!

Reason one. A lack of money.

Although it is common to say that happiness cannot be found in money, you still cannot live without it. When building a relationship with a man, a woman expects that she will be able to rely on him in a material sense too. Of course, there are gigolos who are just trying to lean on women, but not every penniless male has a chance of becoming a gigolo: wealthy ladies, as a rule, choose young and beautiful men.