Harmony in the family. Harmony in the family: the main factors for its maintenance and development. Leadership - spiritual, moral

All men are from Mars and all women are from Venus. So the grandmothers of our great-grandmothers used to say. Sometimes we really communicate on different languages and act like aliens. Meanwhile, the harmony of family relations is an important component happy life. How to achieve harmony in the family?

In this article, we are talking about how to reach mutual understanding with loved ones, avoid scandals and establish a truly favorable microclimate in the family.

Harmony in family relationships or how to save a marriage

Complexity family life the proverb “married - do not attack, no matter how married you do not get lost” is the best illustration. Harmony in family relationships- far from a myth, and it is not worth making something unrealizable out of this completely ordinary phenomenon.

Outcome one: unhealthy-matriarchal

An image of a woman with a rolling pin in her hand involuntarily arises in my head, and somewhere on the rug, downcast, a downtrodden hubby sits. Not the most favorable disposition of forces, and on both sides! The woman is in charge. But what is it really? She gets a lot of responsibility, a lot of problems and a man with an inferiority complex, depriving herself of support and support from his side. Here they do not ask the question “how to avoid scandals in the family”, here they constantly live in oppression.

Plot development: the hysterical wife and the "half-husband" will exist exactly until the latter runs away and leaves the harsh head of the family in splendid isolation.

Dominant wife + henpecked husband = unhealthy relationship

Outcome two: unhealthy-patriarchal

From an early age, we learned that the head of the family is a man. The Pope is without a doubt an untouchable authority. Imagine for a moment that there are too many dads in the family, and mom silently languishes in the role of a gray mouse. The word of the father is the law, but the mother is afraid to open her mouth? When a man categorically indicates to a woman about her duties (cooking, cleaning, washing), he gets in the role of his wife not a sweet life partner, but a shadow walking around the apartment on tiptoe.

In this case, the question “how to achieve mutual understanding in the family” as such is no longer worth it, because here there is complete dominance: patriarchy and despotism forev!

If the head of the family is a tyrant and a petty tyrant, it will be very difficult to achieve mutual understanding in the family.

Plot development: if a man needs a pet, and a woman is satisfied with the role of the victim, then why not? But if she has personal opinion, then run away, where the eyes look.

Exodus three: healthy-matriarchal

Many men are looking for a wife on a subconscious level, similar to the "mother". Well, there are also plenty of women looking for a “son” for themselves. If in these conditions the wife earns more husband, then she completely takes all the problems on herself, although she listens to the man.

Plot development: at first glance - a complete idyll, just a little woman in the lead. The problem is having kids together. The girl grows up to be an imperious person, and the boy is a weak-willed henpecked.

The leading position of the wife in relation to the husband is not in the best way affect the microclimate

Exodus four: healthy-patriarchal

To our joy, most of them choose this option - so trivial, but proven. So let's write it down: a man is a head, a woman is a neck! Is it possible to argue that a man is a breadwinner who accepts important decisions, after consulting with her soul mate, and the woman is a sweet fairy, creating an atmosphere of kindness, understanding and support in the house?

The holidays are behind us: a merry feast, a honeymoon trip, viewing gifts from friends and relatives. You are immersed in the hustle and bustle of living together, and the new stage: building relationships between husband and wife. Each of us wants to create long term relationship, but not everyone succeeds in embodying the idea of ​​​​a strong unit of society. What is harmony in the family: how to establish and maintain this fragile atmosphere?

The history of the concept of "harmony in the family"?

The concepts of "harmony" and "psychological compatibility" were taken several decades ago. In the 16th and 17th century, marriage and love were incompatible terms. It was believed that marrying a loved one was reckless. Bourgeois ideals came to replace medieval ideals, when a woman began to demand attention and care. The man has new responsibilities, including the upbringing of children. The woman got the opportunity to study, work, express her opinion.

In the 19th century, marriage moved from patriarchal relations to partnerships, when spouses pull one strap for two. Here it has already become inappropriate to demand complete humility and humility from a woman. Women began to actively show their authority and position. As Engels said, the family has become the cell of society. Together with sexual revolution in the 20th century, an opinion appeared that the life of spouses should be harmonious, based on equality and mutual understanding of two.

What are the relationships in the family?

Family relationships proceed according to the scenario, where everyone has their own role. Depending on who the husband and wife will be in a relationship, family life proceeds according to one of four scenarios.

Patriarchal with a bias of despotism;
Matriarchal, where the wife is the clear leader;
Healthy matriarchy;
healthy patriarchy.

The first scenario assumes that the pope is an indisputable authority that no one has the right to object to. Mom silently performs her duties and languishes in the role of a driven mouse. and a mother-shadow moving along the wall. What harmony can we talk about here! It is simply impossible to establish and achieve mutual understanding.

The second scenario suggests mirror reflection main characters: wife-leader and driven man. The wife holds the reins of power in her hands, and the man completely shifted his duties to female shoulders. Is it possible to maintain harmony in such a family and is there happiness? The wife has all the rights, but at the same time she must be responsible for everything, including for her husband, who is not able to lend a shoulder in a difficult moment. Such a marriage exists as long as a man can withstand.

The third scenario allows for the creation harmonious family. The wife earns more than her husband, solves problems, but asks her husband's advice and listens to him. The husband found a second "mother" who can take on some of the problems and who will endure whims. possible in such a family. Problems arise when children grow up. They adopt the behavior of their parents and carry it into their lives.

The fourth option is the most common and most correct. A man is a breadwinner, a head that makes responsible decisions. A sorceress woman creates and maintains harmony in the family. At the same time, she is a neck that correctly guides her husband, giving the right advice.

How to establish harmony?

In the dictionary of S.I. Ozhegov, harmony is harmony and consistency with something. If we talk about harmony within the framework of family life, then it means mutual understanding and respect, consistency of spouses and children. Many understand that establishing harmony is a paramount task, but only a few do it. Young spouses bring discord into a benevolent atmosphere, guided by the attitudes and stereotypes of behavior that are laid down by the parental family.

Since the inception of marriage, they put pressure on the shoulders of young people, hindering the development harmonious relations. They bring suffering until the husband and wife decide to live according to a new scenario. Another obstacle is internal complexes that do not allow partners to meet each other halfway. Vicious, vicious circle mutual reproaches can last for years and decades.

Stop the flow of resentment and reproaches can mature personalities. After all, the actions of both spouses are capable of establishing and maintaining harmony in the family. A mutual decision: “I want to live next to a person for the joy of myself and him” can restore broken relationships and create a harmonious atmosphere.

Accepting these rules, one should trust each other, allow the partner to express his positive and negative opinion, and conduct a dialogue. Maintaining harmony begins with ourselves, so each partner must strive for harmony and peace in his soul.

Harmony and love in marriage

The main feeling in the family is love. In love, it is easy to take care of your spouse and children. It's easy to be loyal and stand up for a relationship. Feeling love, a person is able to share the suffering of his other half and sympathize with him. mutual love allows you to protect relationships so that nothing interferes with them. Love lies in the fact that the wife and husband feel the value of each other, see the potential for development. Over the years, passion turns into more deep feeling on which harmony is maintained.

In love, it is easy to appreciate your companion, respect, accept him with flaws and give freedom. An obstacle to harmony is distrust, misunderstanding, manipulation of feelings and substitution of concepts. From here follow: jealousy, fear of loneliness and loss. A happy family based on love and respect for values, providing personal space and freedom. If a person lives in harmony with himself, it is easy for him to bring peace into his life.

How to maintain harmony in family relationships?

Family life is difficult to keep from conflicts and misunderstandings. But if you set a goal, act. Start by respecting your husband, wife, children. Respect the wishes and needs of others. Children, seeing the relationship between parents, will understand how important it is to maintain peace and mutual understanding.

Learn to talk, share joyful and sad experiences. Listen to other family members without irritation. Learn to listen without prejudice and judgment. Do not rush to show anger or malice. Keep the fragile peace and harmony so that the built order does not break. After all, conflicts, misunderstandings, hidden grievances destroy a person from the inside, destroy his relationship and lead to mutual irritation.

Maybe it will become easier if you discuss the accumulated problems with loved ones in a calm atmosphere? After all, by speaking out the problems, you get rid of the oppressive feeling and find a solution. If there is misunderstanding or tension between family members, express how you feel.

Accusations should not consist only of reproaches. Explain why you think this way and not otherwise. open communication and discussion is a step forward. Learn to understand your opponent, and then demand understanding for yourself. After all, our vision of the world is not always similar to the vision and perception of another. Strive to discuss conflicts, not to prove the case. After all, your victory in the dispute can destroy the relationship. Find compromises and do not jeopardize the created harmony.

Everyone has the right to be themselves, respect that. Praise and support each other. Don't hide sincere feelings. After all, it is important to realize that there is a place where you will be listened to and understood. Keep it and appreciate the actions of loved ones.

Spend more time with your husband (wife), children. Memories of joint vacation, Sunday afternoon, a bright holiday strengthen marriage and become a guide among family life. Communication makes it possible to appreciate the role of loved ones in life, to understand their importance.

Learn to keep your individuality, being an element of the family. Be a person to right moment stand up for marriage. Maintain harmony in the family and intra-family ties will be strengthened.

One Solution family problems not for every task. Each couple must find their own way out, based on own feelings. Remember that you should not fight with the external indicators of the conflict, but with its true reasons. Look for the source of misunderstanding in yourself and discuss problems immediately.

Psychologists say that the basis for a happy married life are love and patience. Listen to a loved one, and boldly compromise. Everyone has conflicts, but this is not a reason for divorce. On the way to a happy life and long marriage only misunderstanding and selfishness can become a hindrance. If you love each other and desire to be together, you will strive to correct behavior and make progress.

The Church focuses all her attention on finding out what the deep, basic problem of man is.

Why do families break up? After careful research, you come to the conclusion that the root of the problem is a serious misconception that is very common in our society.

Unfortunately, in modern society we are not taught the right relationship with our neighbor. I learned this from watching children. different ages when in close contact with educational institutions. Wrong upbringing starts with pretty early age and very quickly bears its sad fruit. From childhood, we are told about the importance of regular school attendance, we are taught that it is necessary to acquire various knowledge, they try to make us grow up kind, good people, we are taught good manners And correct speech. Our grandmothers taught the same thing: “Be polite, behave with dignity, learn to speak only good words". And at school we are taught to be polite, we are taught to address those who are older than us, on “You”, we are taught the correct speech, etc. All this is necessary, of course.

However, we missed something very important. Communication is not only polite behavior and beautiful speech. Communication is also the ability to listen to another person. This is what almost no one teaches us. While in Orthodoxy and in our culture this is given importance. If we turn to the ascetic works of the ancient and modern Church Fathers and even the ancient Greek philosophers, we can see that they pay a lot of attention to this topic. For example, St. Nicodemus the Holy Mountaineer, a monk, an ascetic who labored in the deserts of Athos in the 18th century, in interviews with his confessor, advised him on how he should listen to those who come to him. How should he sit on a chair, how to look at a confessor, how to meet a person who has come to confession. I even told him to watch his facial expressions. Saint Nicodemus advised the confessor to watch his movements so as not to accidentally embarrass a person in some way. I even told him how to breathe while he was listening to confession. What a wonderful wisdom of the experience of relations between people, flowing from the tradition of our Church, unfortunately in our century has already been practically lost. We are trained only to speak. The art of listening is unknown to us.

Moved by good intentions, parents, husbands or wives bring their children or spouses with whom they have complicated relationship. But, being in enmity, how they torment themselves and others. As soon as they start a dialogue, their problem immediately becomes obvious: they do not listen to the other person. They begin to speak in sync, playing back, like two tape recorders, a pre-recorded recording that outlines the pros and cons of themselves. And so do both sides. But two tape recorders can never find mutual language between themselves. They will only play back the information recorded on the cassette. It is the same with people: each seeks to express his point of view and is not able to listen to the other.

Someone may object that yes, unfortunately, this is a sad reality, but what can you do! And I refer to my personal experience communication with couples: so, 90% of marriages break up not at all because of extramarital relations of one of the spouses. The betrayal of one of the spouses is already a consequence. The first crack appears due to the fact that a husband or wife - justifiably or not - closes in on himself.

We have been convinced of this by many years of experience with married couples. The husband is headlong into making money, selflessly and with dignity working from morning to evening, sometimes in two jobs, in order to meet the requirements modern life. The wife does the same. And what is the result? Both come home in the evening so tired and devastated that they cannot even communicate with each other, and, unfortunately, they dump all this psychosomatic fatigue on each other.

And if they have children, they think it's enough for them to just be " good father” or “a good mother”: “I do everything necessary for my children and for my home. I try to make sure they don't need anything. So that they don't feel left out." But experience shows that the most important thing that our children need is harmony in the family, and very often it is absent in families.

You, as parents, know very well that children have very subtle feelings that are very difficult to deceive. We can avoid swearing in front of them and not tell them anything about our strained relationship with each other. However, the child, in a way unknown to us, understands what is happening. Even babies. Therefore, I advise mothers who come to confession with babies to leave them with someone from their relatives, since I noticed that when mothers go to confession, their babies participate in what the mother says. A child may be a completely breastfeeding baby and not understand anything, but when the mother holding him in her arms tells something sad, or cries, or is very worried, the baby, seeing her excited, begins to worry himself. That's why I tell mothers: "Don't come to confession with your child!" - “Yes, he is still quite a baby, he still does not understand anything,” they object to me. Understands! Long before birth, he already understands everything. Today, science has proven this, and there is already a "fetal psychology." That is, even the embryo perceives stimuli and various negative emotions that form around it. So let's not be naive, believing that our children do not understand anything. Understand! They are very sensitive. And it's hard for us to hide from them.

I repeat: the most necessary thing that our children and we ourselves need is harmony in relationships. This is something that goes without saying. But how to get it?

Marriage is an ongoing effort to improve yourself. It's not so simple here. And marriage is a science of sciences.

I quite often visit city and regional schools and lyceums. After our interviews, some of the students stay and ask questions:

Vladyka, why does the Church not allow extramarital relations? Is it really that unacceptable? Why is the Church so strict?

Yes, the Church is strict about this issue. Not because he wants to prevent a relationship between two people, but because he wants these relationships to be created on the right basis.

If from a young age you do not learn to see in another person not the opposite sex - a man and a woman, but a personality - Mary, Constantine, George, etc., then when you get married, you may encounter a very serious difficulty. In marriage, you will not perceive the other person as a person, but only as a man and a woman.

I hope you well understand that if a person does not transcend the difference between the sexes, then he will not be able to create right relationship married.

For example, some say: “I can’t understand why my wife complains about me! What does she lack? I good husband I take care of the house, I bring money, I provide everything for her. What else does she need? And the wife argues in a similar way: “I cook for him, wash, clean the house, I am clean before him, all my interest is only in the family. Why is he unhappy?"

But they cannot understand that, of course, all this is very important in marriage, but all this does not concern the other person. That sincere and sympathetic communication is of paramount importance in marriage, and material support families and household chores are secondary. As I said, in a marriage, the other person must be seen first and foremost as a person.

See, Christ, in order to save man, himself became man. God did not save the world only by leaving His commandments to the world or by sending miracle-working prophets to preach. Not! He Himself assumed human flesh. So it is in marriage: in order for the marriage to be strong and not fall apart, the husband and wife should try to understand the spiritual world of each other in order to anticipate what needs and difficulties arise in the second half. Thus, marriage is strengthened. And in doing so, husband and wife become "one flesh," that is, one person. Not separate husband and wife, but a married couple, something whole. Two people in a completely new reality for them.

Husband and wife become a new person whom Christ blesses in the sacrament of marriage and unites inseparably. From now on this new person cannot act with only a part of itself. And the husband can no longer imagine his wife as a part of something else, but only as a part of himself, and both become “one flesh”, despite the fact that the essence and psychology of a man and a woman are completely different. That's what's great about marriage - that one complements the other.

But, becoming “one flesh” in marriage, one member of the family does not completely possess the other and does not “absorb” his personality. Not! A man conveys to a woman his masculine practical knowledge, and a woman, in turn, conveys to a man her feminine experience and her vision of life, and together they become a new, blessed in marriage man who, in a marital union, brings into the world the fruit of his marriage - children . You see how amazing the Wisdom of God is: a child is not born only from the mother, but also with the participation of the father, that is, from two absolutely different people who once did not know each other.

Children very often resemble their parents not only in external features, but also in behavior and mental properties. Therefore, often parents see in their children an extension of themselves. And the most precious gift we can give our children is our attention.

The harmony that we talked about is achieved only by effort, work on oneself and sacrifice. You need to know that peace of mind, peace in the family and between spouses is much more important than anything material and cannot be acquired at any cost.

The creation of a marriage must be treated very responsibly, applying the right criteria to it. Let's look at the other person as a person, trying to accept him as he is. Let's try to understand what needs and needs our second half has. Let's try to understand that our task in marriage is to give ourselves to another, and not to demand from the other that he give us all of himself. A big mistake is to demand love from your other half, saying: "I demand only one thing from you: that you love me." Such demands can often be heard from newlyweds who have just married. When I hear such statements, I correct them by saying: “My children, you have laid the wrong foundation for family life. When you demand something from someone, your demands will often become an excuse for an argument and a quarrel. If you demand love from another, saying: “The only thing I demand from you is that you love me. I want you to respect me. So that you can be a good wife, ”that’s all! from that moment on, an ongoing quarrel begins, because then you will say: “You are not the one I dreamed of.” First you need to give a person all of yourself, and then take it. And to demand something from the very beginning is big mistake. Tell your wife instead: “What I truly desire is to love you, and I will always try to be the first to take the first step towards you in moments of disagreement.”

According to the teachings of the Church, true love“does not seek his own,” as the apostle Paul writes. “Love covers everything, endures everything, always hopes.” The Lord Jesus Christ absolutely loved man in a way that no one else could love him. He proved His love by His Great Sacrifice for him. In marriage, a man is greatly helped by the image of Christ, who loves His Church. And a man should also love his wife in that image. That is, in marriage, you have the opportunity to embody your love, to give all of yourself without claims, without mutual exchanges, without demanding something for yourself. Then your other half, seeing your generosity, will be extremely moved and willingly share with you all their inner wealth, as much as possible.

I tried to explain to you where the first crack appears, gradually increasing and entailing all other problems.

Let us strive to give our love, our whole self, to another without limitation. Let's take the trouble to listen and hear the other person. And in order to hear another, you must first be silent and turn into hearing yourself. Let the woman listen to her husband, and the husband to his wife. And so the spouses, sealed by a strong union, will give their children the best that they have, because their children loving parents with such a willingness they present their love and their participation and attention.

I wish you all the best, so that you always please your families. Teach your children all that is good. Teach your children to be active and teach them to achieve their good goals so that they become blessed from God.

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Harmony is complete mutual understanding, love and trust. Relationships should be peaceful. People must find compromises among themselves so as not to create ground for conflicts. It is important to learn to listen and hear each other, to accept your soulmate for who she is, to appreciate and respect. To achieve happiness, you need to wish it to your companion with all your heart, elevate him and admire his virtues, turning a blind eye to minor shortcomings.

However, to say much easier words than to perform in practice, to apply in life. We all understand with our minds how to act, but only in theory. When an annoying situation arises related to your partner, then anger and emotions cover the mind and fill it completely. First anger, then pride and the eternal pushing forward of your own "I". And then what?

Then a scandal, a quarrel, one after another. And so from time to time. As a result of such a process, misunderstanding and irritation are born, admiration and inspiration disappear, as if it never happened. A habit is born, which consists of memorable moments “how good we used to be” and the hope that this will happen again soon. But nothing bad appears on empty place, and good too. Since in a cold life habitual relationships can a bright feeling be born again? Unfortunately this is not possible. No wonder they say that you can't step into the same river twice. We conclude: you need to protect what is and while it is.

Relationships are a very fragile thing that does not cost anything to destroy. Therefore, they should be treated as crystal vase. The family rests on trust, which means that it is better not to sow the seed of suspicion and not to invent reasons for jealousy and imaginary deceit. It is important to respect and support your spouse in their hobbies, interests, work and other concerns. If you don’t like the addiction of a loved one at all, try to remain neutral.

Stop and better not start rummaging through mobile phones that do not belong to you. Same goes for pockets. notebooks, diaries. Every person has the right to their own privacy. And he will not leave you, will not give and will not change if you are attentive and diverse to him. Keep track of your appearance, few people like a beer belly or cellulite on the thighs.

Periodically go together to places that are memorable for you, make annual trips, at least out of town to nature or a sanatorium, be responsive and cheerful. Do not try to constantly complain about life and sores. Strangers you will be sorry, but close person it will soon get boring. Follow the daily routine, health and nutrition, do not run into a conflict, then you won’t have to complain.

The main value in a family with children is communication. Without communication, the child will become withdrawn, it will be difficult for him to find a common language with his peers, he will not learn anything. The mistake of many parents is to think that it is enough that the child is fed, dressed and shod and their duties are fulfilled. By communicating frankly with your children, you first of all earn trust in the future.

Parents work full time, in the evenings they are busy with their own affairs. The house is a mess, but inside this wonderfully crazy life lies an undercurrent where you can reach strong family and satisfaction.

There are several secrets that will help you maintain harmony in family relationships with children. Applying them to your own house, you will find that even the most uncontrollable things seem stupid to you, perseverance and trust in each other will be preserved.

1. Development of harmony in the family through communication.

Communication is the most important source of well-being in the family. It is your responsibility to choose what should be in your home. By taking the time to invest in developing your communication skills, you will open many doors to a successful future with your children. It is important to cooperate and trust each other.

Authenticity is the key to gaining the trust of an audience, whether you're speaking at a sales meeting or it's your kids. When talking to your children about an incident, use the incident alone to voice your opinion. Don't bring up past fights or open up other incidents. Stay focused on one. Provide specific information.

Stick to the facts when dealing with this situation. Spouses must necessarily consult, communicate with each other, how it will be better not only today, but also in the future.

2. Mastering the art of problem solving and conflict resolution.

Entire business conventions are devoted to this single task. The tips for incorporating problem solving techniques at home are simple: misunderstanding and overreacting, main enemy discord and family troubles. To do this, you need to control your emotions. You cannot change the behavior of your loved ones, but you can undoubtedly control your own.

3. Develop healthy self-esteem in your children.

Self-esteem helps you take on a leadership role. There should be a sense of ease in communicating with other people, both with their peers and in the family.

4. Build stamina.

like an adult strong man, you need to adhere to family discipline. Both parents should keep the same position in the upbringing of their children, even if they are different. You can’t punish children if you are not in the mood, especially in the presence of strangers, wait until you are alone and express what was done wrong, why it was wrong and what behavior you expect in the future.

5. Develop skills to become more patient.

Listen to your little ones, be patient when they ask stupid questions.

Family happiness is actually real. Try to change your life better side, use the tips for creating a happy family life.