How to survive parting with a loved one. According to the Moscow Psychological Aid Service. What is love

With beloved man. The mental pain is so intense that coping with feelings of sadness and loneliness is an overwhelming task. Therefore, relationship psychology considers the breakup. love affair as an opportunity for personal growth for both partners.

What will help you find the answer?

Experts offer the rejected person answers to the following series of questions:

1. How to get over a breakup with a man? The girls are very emotional creatures dreaming of perfect relationship. For young ladies it is much more difficult to cope with sadness because of a small life experience and a tendency to dramatize unpleasant events. But breaking up with a man hurts and mature women... Therefore, psychologists focus the attention of ladies on self-esteem and self-esteem, because peace of mind any person is based precisely on a sense of self-confidence and self-sufficiency.
2. What is the easiest way to deal with parting with a man? Psychologists assure you that you need to give yourself time to calm down. Experts share tips on how to forget the man who dumped you: you need to accept the very fact of breaking up a relationship, imagining that you are drinking a bitter pill. Taking medical drugs, you realize that they will begin to have a therapeutic effect only after a certain period of time. When you realize that your loved one has left you, then it should also take a while before you stop suffering and torment yourself with a sense of guilt. How to deal with the pain of separation? The main thing is to stop resisting reality and plucking spiritual wounds with false hopes.
3. How to start living anew after breaking up? It's important to do what inspires you. Experiences take away vitality, therefore, it is necessary to restore the internal balance.
4. How do men deal with breakups? Representatives of the stronger sex may not react as violently to a breakup as women often do, but this does not mean that they do not care. Men also suffer and do not know how to get through the pain of parting. The main difference is that young people tend to withdraw into themselves, and ladies are more accustomed to sharing their experiences with their friends.
5. How to behave after breaking up? Many guys and girls are afraid to show their weakness in front of the one who dumped them. Frequent phone calls and messages on mobile phone stupid content are included in the list of meaningless actions of rejected lovers. It is important at first to calm down, not subjecting yourself to ridicule from others, which hurts even more.

Below are the ways to overcome life crisis that will tell you how to get over the breakup with your loved one.

Stages of accepting the inevitable

There are 5 stages of accepting a fait accompli:

1. Negation. The human brain refuses to believe that something bad has happened. A girl, for example, just does not yet know what to do if a guy has left, how to get over a breakup. It is easiest for her in this situation to deny the rupture of the love affair. The reluctance to let go prompts the lady to look for ways to return love and passion. A woman sincerely believes that everything can still be changed, that everything depends only on herself.
2. Anger. The rejected person begins to hate the one whom he loved dearly until recently. Strong resentment and self-pity accompany a guy or a girl to this stage acceptance of the inevitable.
3. Bargaining, or a deal. Man calls out to higher powers with pleas for help. Young people ask to cancel parting with their beloved woman, hoping that in heavenly office similar decisions are made. They promise not to do what, in their understanding, was outside the bounds of moral foundations and worthy of blame on the part of higher powers.
4. Depression If you're unsure of how to deal with breaking up with your loved one, the advice of others who have faced a similar drama in life can help you cope with apathy and oppressive thoughts. Indeed, at this stage, young men and women fixate on themselves, tirelessly analyzing their feelings, showing indifference to everything else in life. Despite desperate efforts, there will be no victory in this situation. Realizing that it is useless to continue the fight to reunite with a loved one, the injured party becomes depressed.
5. Adoption. What if you broke up with a boyfriend? Accept the fact that the relationship is broken, as stated above. Only from the moment of accepting the inevitable begins personal growth and the pain becomes less intense.

Why is it hard to let go?

Psychology for women abounds in many useful recommendations concerning the following painful questions: how to stop loving a man and how to cope with mental pain. To understand how to get a guy out of your head, you need to understand the reasons for your unwillingness to let your lover go.

Relationship psychology suggests considering comparative characteristics love and love addiction.

What is love?

It is important to consider what happens to the person who truly loves:

1. All-consuming joy. You feel good together and apart.
2. The circle of potential objects does not narrow to potential sadists.
3. You are getting better, you want to create, to create.
4. The feeling of love carries positive energy.
5. Love does not negate inner freedom.
6. Relationships are built on equal terms.

The tragedy of parting with a loved one always carries with it pain, but deep down there is hope for the best, because a breakup does not mean that you do not deserve love and happiness. A person experiences parting without excessive self-flagellation.

What is love addiction?

Consideration should be given to how the affected person behaves and feels. love addiction:

1. Pain and despair.
2. An emotional reaction occurs only to those people who are capable of causing tension, suffering, who behave in an unpredictable manner.
3. Interested in nothing but the object of love. The desire to control every step of the partner.
4. Overwhelmed by anxiety, fear, uncertainty, doubt. And in the most happy minutes the girl may worry that soon he will leave her anyway.
5. Dependence on the mood of a loved one, his look, tone of voice, his words.
6. With all her might, the girl tries to please her lover. Everything forgives and tolerates mistreatment.

When a loved one left, how to survive separation? Direct all your strength to overcome love addiction, because it is she who prevents you from letting go of the situation.

Psychology says that people perceive love as a means that can change reality, filling life with meaning. Emotionally dependent girls and boys on their partner expect that the object of love will solve their problems with an inferiority complex. They make others responsible for their own happiness, demanding constant attention to themselves, violating personal boundaries and depriving the freedom of choice of who they are romantically involved with. Caring for others, they do not think about their true needs, but only try to oblige the chosen ones to love them as they wish.

How to deal with the pain of separation?

Listening to the advice of psychologists on how to cope with a breakup, people often forget about personal responsibility. It is not enough just to know what to do in a given situation. After reading the recommendations and analyzing the information, it is necessary to introduce ideas to improve the quality of life.

You should consider what steps to take if you are unsure of how to deal with a breakup:

1. Ask your partner why he is leaving. This information is important for you to next time do not repeat the mistakes of the past. How to get over a breakup with a boyfriend? Make sure your love affair is really over. It may also happen that the young man does not want to conduct long discussions, explaining to you what caused his decision. In this case, you just have to accept his choice and move on.
2. How to live after parting with your beloved? When he collides with strong emotions, it may seem to a person that the pain will last forever, but this is the most common belief in people experiencing personal drama. Ladies may even pass out from the shocking news. Some representatives of the fairer sex may not eat for 1-2 weeks and not sleep either day or night. Women prefer debilitating physical activity... Therefore, allow yourself to suffer, but do not dwell on negative experiences. Decide how many days or weeks you will yearn, cry, and feel sorry for yourself.
3. How to survive parting with your beloved? Men are often not ready to hear the truth from a lady of the heart, even if she is trying to explain the reason for leaving. They cannot understand what she lacked in the relationship, because everything seemed to be so wonderful. Men for the most part do not torment themselves with a sense of guilt, which already facilitates the process of adapting to life without a beloved woman. But you should still think about what happened when the pain subsides, in order to avoid such negative consequences in future.
4. How to quickly forget a man? Schedule a date when you will release your attachment to your boyfriend. It is on this day that you will truly forget it. This method has been repeatedly tested and confirmed in practice. If a guy quits, don't think that you could influence his decision to stay. The choice of a young man is confirmation that the relationship has long ceased to suit both of you, but he just took the first step to move on through life, but separately. Thank the man for saving you valuable time.
5. How to get over a breakup with a guy with whom you have been together for more than 10 years? Collect all the things he left in a box, and then hide it so that over time you will not even remember about it. Do not do for a month what you did only with him. Don't go to places where you were once happy. Do not stir up emotional wounds with memories by flipping through a photo album.

Common mistakes

Relationship psychology suggests that a girl needs to answer the following questions for herself:

1. Is there in young man something in common with those with whom you parted before? If the answer is yes, then think about why this happened, why these men cannot live with you. You could have different views on life values, goals and priorities. But most often it happens that the relationship is built on passion every time, which quickly passes.
2. Have the man's needs in the relationship been met?
3. Make a list of the qualities that your loved one wanted to see in you. Are you really able and willing to match his ideas of what a dream woman should be?

How to forget a guy? Stop thinking about how unlucky you are in life. Do not abuse in any way alcoholic beverages... You shouldn't start dating other men until your heart calms down.

And do not look for a meeting with the one who left you. It often happens that the man himself offers to meet for a pleasant pastime, but you should not agree to sex without obligation. You will get only a moment's relief, and then you will get worse.

The importance of self-esteem

How to deal with breaking up with your lover? Remember that you have you first and foremost. If you devalue yourself, then not a single person on the planet can return your faith in your uniqueness and originality, even if you really want to do it.

The following unmet needs must be kept in mind that contribute to your being abandoned every time:

1. The need for safety and security. Such women seek to marry a millionaire. If you feel that without a man you will be lost in this cruel world, then psychologists advise you to think about the fact that the need for security should be satisfied on your own, and not at the expense of a man. When a woman becomes a mother, she additionally needs to take care of the child and his safety. Therefore, it is important to consult a specialist if it is for the above reason that you are having a hard time breaking up with your lover.
2. The need for acceptance and love. Only next to a man could you feel intrinsic value as individuals. You can think that you are worth something in life only when you are in a love relationship. It is important first of all to love and accept yourself with all the advantages and disadvantages. Impossible to build strong relationships if you have a lack of self-esteem.

Love is what a person needs most. From birth to death, people tirelessly strive for love. She is written about in books, sung in songs, poems are dedicated to her. But this does not make the word "love" more understandable. Rather, on the contrary, it is used so often that it increasingly loses its true meaning.

People suffer from unrequited love even commit suicide. But often it is the inability to love that entails mental anguish. There are tons of books full of advice on how to forget your beloved. Wise people they advise not to waste energy on forgetting someone, they recommend learning to love even more. Indeed, in this case, it will be possible to rejoice in the happiness of those who decide to break off relations with us. Wisdom and patience to you!

Each of us dreams of happiness. For many people, it is directly related to a loved one. And to be precise, with an invented ideal. Finding it is very difficult. All people are different and may not like each other in terms of character and appearance. Therefore, you first have to meet, and then part. And for many people this process occurs repeatedly. Perhaps everyone will agree that parting is always painful and unpleasant. Moreover, both for the initiator and for the abandoned partner. In this article, we will talk about how to properly part, so as not to torture yourself, but to enjoy the unexpectedly opened opportunities and prospects. So let's get started.

Reasons for parting

Not all people are equally serious about relationships. Some start dating out of boredom and loneliness, others - sincerely fall in love and cannot imagine life without a found partner. There are also those who start relationships solely for sex.

In fact, there can be many reasons. But in all cases, one thing is the same - we need something from this person: love, care, material content, satisfaction sexual needs, joint walks and so on. Each has its own set of similar expectations. It is with them that a person endows his own ideal. Added to this are physical data (hair color, eyes, complexion, etc.). The resulting image is tried on a new partner every time. And the greater the degree of compliance, the higher the likelihood of continuing the relationship. Sometimes people only need to match in appearance. But it can also happen that the ideal corresponds only to physical parameters, and in other areas - complete disappointment. Then there is a desire to find a new partner.

What is the right way to part?

Below we describe the series simple rules that will help you in this difficult process. They will turn a breakup into a simple inevitability, and it will be much easier to accept it.

1. Use your experience

Some people already have an idea of ​​how to break up properly. When trying to break again, they use their past experience trying to communicate it in a suitable setting and in the most gentle way. After all, any parting is the strongest stress for both partners. Although everything here will depend on the situation. Many people have no desire to communicate after a breakup. Therefore, they can declare it in the most rude form.

2. Remote break

Sometimes the initiators of this process are women who know how to properly part with a man. Many of them are not able to tell the person about the breakup in person (fear of a scandal, excitement, etc.), so they use modern technologies... Girls write a message on the social network or SMS to the phone. This method is also suitable for men.

Be sure to apply this way in case of inadequacy or excessive emotionality of your partner. After all, it happens that at a personal meeting it ends with a loud scandal or, even worse, with assault.

3. Be honest

Sometimes people who do not know how to break up correctly come up with beautiful story with detailed description reasons. The partner is more likely to feel fake. And in this case, it is better to prepare for what he asks about real reason parting. Tell him the truth. But you don't have to go into insignificant details. It's important not to lie. Then even friendships can be maintained.

Talk to your partner about all your accumulated grievances and resentments. It is likely that they will not be so significant. Perhaps, after the showdown, the question of parting will disappear by itself.

It is worth noting here that not every person needs to be told the truth. For example, a man who does not know how to part with his beloved can tell her a lot. hurtful words... If a girl is impulsive, it will at least result in a scandal. Well, then she can tell your general environment about the "best" qualities of her ex.

4. Ask for forgiveness

Do not know how to properly part with your beloved man or woman? It's simple: ask for forgiveness. Only this must be done sincerely. Be sure to clarify exactly what you are apologizing for. Thus, you can significantly soften the reaction of the partner. Apologize and goodbye no matter who initiated the breakup.

5. Give thanks

No matter how difficult your relationship is at this stage, find the courage to say “thank you” to the person. You should be grateful for all the good things that happened between you. Perhaps your current partner helped you understand what kind of person you really need. This also happens sometimes. Gratitude is a great power. She will avoid negative feelings in the process of parting and maintain a positive attitude.

6. Unleash your emotions

If you feel bad, then you should not withdraw into yourself. It is proved that negative emotions negatively affect the body. Therefore, you need to give them a way out. The easiest way is to cry. They are great help. You can call a girlfriend or boyfriend to "cry in the vest." The main thing is not to get carried away with self-pity. Otherwise, it can drag on and lead to depression.

7. Let him go

Many women ask themselves the question: "What is the right way to part with the man you love?" On the one hand, they understand that the relationship has become obsolete. On the other hand, they still have feelings for a man. Therefore, after the breakup, they continue to run after the partner. You don't have to do that. Thus, you only humiliate own dignity... Forget about your ex and believe that everything in your life is going for the better. If the breakup happened, then it will soon appear new person and make you happier.

8. Switch attention

The properties of our memory are such that we perfectly remember events with a vivid emotional coloring. It doesn't matter if it's negative or positive. The emotions that a person received recently are remembered the longest. It also matters how often brightly colored events occur. The less often they occur, the longer a person remembers them. Equally important is the ratio of positive and negative situations. For example, if positive events constantly occur in a person's life, and then negative things suddenly happen, then it will linger in memory for a long time. And it will "pop up" in my thoughts every day.

It's the same with breaking up a relationship. For most people, the first breakup is generally shock therapy. Especially for a girl who does not know how to properly part with married man... As a mistress, she receives many vivid emotions from him: gifts, trips to different institutions, walks, compliments, romantic evenings etc. It is quite natural that the breakup will become a negative event for her. The same is true for the stronger sex.

And then everything depends on a specific person... People whose life is full bright emotions(no matter negative or positive), will be able to quickly switch to the new and forget about the old. It will be much harder for those who lead a boring monotonous life. It is difficult for them to abstract away. For many, this happens once in a lifetime. The takeaway is simple: you can't forget. But you can deprive a negative memory emotional background... It's easy to do: add new ones to your life positive developments equal or superior in strength.

Take a look at those who, after breaking up, start drinking or go all out (change partners like gloves). They do this unconsciously in order to search for new impressions and emotions that will help them forget about a negative event. But, alas, alcohol will not save you. And changing partners will only be effective if you allow yourself to fall in love again. In general, when the soul is very bad and forget unpleasant situation does not work, urgently look for vivid impressions and new emotions. This can be a parachute jump, rafting, flying in a wind tunnel, go-karting, horseback riding, passing a quest, excursion to the mountains, etc.

9. Get rid of reminders

A photograph of a person is the same as himself. And periodically looking at her, we seem to meet with him again and again. But after parting it is very painful. This means that all pictures should be removed from prominent places. You don't have to burn them in the trash can. Although in some situations this will be the only way out. Also hide or throw away gifts received from your partner. In general, get rid of everything that binds you and can evoke memories of him.

10. You cannot enter the same river twice

Women who do not know how to properly break up with their husbands continue to hope for the restoration of relations after the breakup. This is because their feelings have not yet died out. But you need to objectively assess the situation. Most likely, the relationship will not resume. Of course, if the woman knows the exact reason, for example, the husband left because of her completeness, then the situation is fixable. She can go on a diet and sign up for the gym. But this does not mean that the spouse will return with one hundred percent probability. Anyway, everything can turn out the other way around. The woman will become prettier and she will have many fans, from which she will choose worthy replacement ex-husband. Everything is completely individual. Just remember that even if the relationship is resumed, they will never be the same.

11. Accept it as it is and just trust fate

This principle has long been adopted by those people who know how to properly part. A person in such a situation is often controlled only by emotions, and he does many rash things. But after all given energy it is better to spend not on the struggle, but on the search for a new partner. The most optimal thing to do when breaking up is to accept the situation and let events take their course.

In the life of almost every person, sooner or later, parting occurs. In the lives of many - more than once. This is very an important event because it is only on one side the end of something. More importantly, breaking up is a moment of choice and the beginning of something new. If the choice is right, it becomes the beginning of a new one, better life, a more correct understanding of love. Parting has helped a colossal number of people become adults, loving and happy people.

Parting theme to the fullest. I have enriched and deepened my experience with the help of highly qualified psychologists and Orthodox priests who participate in the work of the site "Perezhit.ru". This article is the quintessence of our methodology. The article does not replace other articles, but it will help you structure and better assimilate the material.

1. Put a point

If the breakup happened, first of all, you need to take the fact of what happened for granted. If a person has left, it is necessary to let him go. It is necessary to put an end to those relationships that were.

The stories are different. Unfortunately, partings also happen in marital relations... Therefore, when I say that you need to put an end to it, I am not saying: lock the door tightly, bury the person, erase him from your memory. No! Often legal husbands and the wives return with repentance, and then they can be accepted. It's about something else. Coming to terms with parting means letting go of the person. Recognize his right to make such a decision, even if it is wrong. Stop holding it.

Theoretically, it is possible that after some time you both will change, and a meeting of new ones may occur, and you will be able to create new, more harmonious relationships.

But the people you are now could not be together. The path you followed came to this point. And with this point it ended. The person you are now must acknowledge and accept this.

If you have even a little love for this person, acknowledge his right to be free. Let go and bless him.

Say to yourself, referring to this person: “I am letting you go! Bless you!"

The termination of attempts to return a person, the termination of hopes for his return - completely necessary condition successful separation experience. Some cling to a person for months or years. And as long as they cling, they suffer, they get stuck in this state.

Often lovers (especially those suffering from love addiction) break up and converge several times. And the further, the lower the quality of their relationship. Thus, they humiliate themselves, their relationships, they reinforce the skills of how not to live, and reduce their chances of building healthy relationships... There is good rule: "Leaving go!"

And believe that your clinging does not increase the love and respect for you of the one to whom you are clinging, but quite the opposite.

2. Overcome obsessive thoughts

Most crisis situations we do not suffer from the situation itself, but from false obsessions about it. "You will never meet as good as she is." "You won't love anyone else." "You will never have children." "It is impossible to love someone like you." "I will not love anyone else so much" (this is usually the case for girls aged 15-18), "There is no need to live anymore." These thoughts hurt us almost physically, plunge into despair.

Relatively speaking, 10% of our suffering is from the situation itself, from the inability to see a loved one, to be with him, etc., 90% - from these false thoughts. So, as soon as we overcome these thoughts, we will stop suffering. And you can overcome obsessive thoughts quickly enough.

First of all, we need to realize these thoughts as an external force hostile to us, which, with the help of deception, tries to plunge us into despair and almost squeeze us out of the light. These thoughts are not generated by you! They came from outside to harm you. To accept the thought or not to accept it is in our power. If we accept it and begin to "chew", then it becomes, as it were, ours.

What do the psychologists of ladies' and also popular psychological magazines advise in similar cases? Get distracted. Find an activity to help you take your mind off your hard thoughts. This is as "wise" as advising a soldier on the front line to turn away from the enemy so as not to see his nasty face and do something else. Like, you don't see him, which means he is no longer there.

What about the fact that at this moment he will hit you in the back with a bullet?

My advice is clear - turn to face the enemy and fight. This is the only real way to deal with this enemy. Thought is such a thing that neither an exercise bike, nor a swimming pool, nor the fingers of a beautician or masseur, nor new lover... Thought can only be conquered by thought!

How to win?

Arguing with hostile thoughts is useless. Some people hope to analyze something, to reason, to make a decision with the help of a discussion with the thoughts that overwhelm them. In the acute period of the crisis, in the first week or two, no sound reasoning and correct decisions are impossible. First you need to bring yourself to a healthy, sober state. In a period of acute crisis, we have only one goal - to gain a sober view of things by fighting obsessive thoughts.

The only way to defeat false thoughts is to oppose them with true, good thoughts, clothed with the power of prayer.

To do this, you must, first of all, constantly monitor what kind of thought torments you. This is what I call - looking the enemy in the face.

Second, oppose this thought with an appropriate prayer. That is, a prayer, the meaning of which is the opposite of the thought that torments in this moment... Three or four short prayers are enough to "deal" with most obsessive thoughts in a breakup situation.

If you are tormented by thoughts of self-pity, thoughts of despondency, murmur, or fear.

Typical thoughts are: "I will not love anyone else", "I will not be so good with anyone else", "My life no longer makes sense", "How can I, poor thing, live now?" Our most dangerous enemy is self-pity. This pity must be dealt with ruthlessly.

Prayers that are used against such thoughts: "Glory to God for everything!", "For everything Thy will. Let it be as you please! "

The meaning of these prayers is that we recognize the non-coincidence of what happened. We recognize that no matter how painful it is, it is for our good. Thus, we express our trust in God, Who wishes us all good, and the confidence that this event will serve to improve our life and our soul. And since the improvement of the soul implies an increase in love in it, it means that it is quite possible that we will still fall in love with someone, and with a more perfect love.

If we are tormented by thoughts about the person with whom we are parting, or about the one who “took away” this person.

Typical thoughts: “He's the best, you won't meet such a person again”, “I can't live without her!”, “How could I get him back”, “Scoundrel! How could he deceive me like that! "," I hate her, vile, for taking him away! How to take revenge on her? "

If we are tormented by the thought of any person, we kill it with a simple prayer: "Lord, bless this person!" We put into this prayer the desire for goodness to man.

The psychological explanation is as follows. The fact is that the essence of obsessive thoughts that torment us is evil, aggression. This is either an offense against a person, or a desire to deprive him of his freedom by tying him to himself against his will, or a desire to take revenge, or a desire to be overtaken by misfortune for what he did. All this is the opposite of love. And now, when we oppose these evil thoughts with a good thought, the evil thought is defeated.

There is also a deeper level of understanding. If we recognize that dark entities are the source of our evil thoughts, then it is clear that it is evil that is their goal. And as a result of such a prayer, you get not just good, but a double good: you get benefits from prayer, and the person for whom you are praying. Naturally, such a result of their intervention does not suit these dark entities at all, and they leave you. Tested by many!

If you are tormented by aggressive thoughts directed to yourself.

False thoughts: "It is impossible to love someone like you, you are a loser", "You are to blame for everything, now if you had not made that mistake!"

Prayer: "Glory to God for everything!" If you are really to blame for something: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive me!”.

Prayer "Glory to God for everything!" universal. It contains, among other things, self-acceptance, gratitude to God for the good that is in us.

Prayers of repentance: "Lord, have mercy!", "Lord, forgive!" pronounced without strain, in an even, dispassionate tone. If we start acting, we ourselves will not notice how, instead of repentance, we will concentrate on despondency and self-pity: "Oh, how unhappy I am, have pity on me!" This will only harm. When a person truly repents, he firmly believes that God forgives him, and it is easier for him every minute.

I emphasize: the tone of all prayers should be even, no matter what storm rages inside us!

There are a few more rules to keep in mind when praying.

First, you need to control your attitude towards the One to whom you are praying. Remember, God doesn't owe you anything. It is not his fault that you feel bad now. But you, most likely, are largely to blame before Him. Therefore, pray humbly. Only humble prayer achieves the goal. Prayer, in the depth of which, is an offense against God or an insolent demand, will not give anything.

This is on the one hand. On the other hand, do not consider yourself a completely alien, powerless suppliant. You are turning not to an indifferent official, but to a merciful Father who loves you. He wants to give you everything you ask for and more.

Secondly, believe that they hear you, they can help you and will certainly help you. God is almighty, He created this world out of nothing. God hears your every word (which you yourself hear), and not a single word of yours is wasted.

Third, it is advisable to know as best as possible the One to whom you are praying. Some people think that God is the "supreme intelligence." But Satan also fits the definition of "higher intelligence". Therefore, if you are close to Christianity, try reading the Gospel to find out what kind of God He is. Just do not visualize God during prayer - it is very dangerous. (Looking at the icon of Jesus Christ does not mean representing God in front of you, it is safe.)

You need to pray exactly as long as the attack on you of obsessive thoughts continues. Some will read the prayer several times, and then they say: "I tried to pray - it did not help." This is ridiculous. You are sitting in a trench. The enemy fires at you from all sides. You fire three shots towards the enemy. Naturally, the shelling does not stop. In despair, you crawl to the bottom of the trench, throwing away the machine gun: it supposedly does not help.

Where is the logic here? The force of action must be equal to the force of reaction! When I was in this situation, for the first 5 or 7 days I prayed almost continuously, repeating the words of the prayers thousands of times. By carefully observing what kind of thought is attacking me now, and using the appropriate prayer against it. I held on to prayer like a drowning man Lifebuoy... Naturally, if I let go of the circle, I would immediately go to the bottom.

Therefore - do not be lazy, do not retreat, do not give up! Fight with all your might!

3. Forgive yourself and the other person

Common problems in a breakup situation are attitudes of resenting the other person or blaming yourself. Both positions prevent us from finally recovering.

Another person may be to blame for something in front of us. However, you need to forgive him, for two reasons.

Firstly, we do not know exactly why this happened, we do not know the degree of our guilt. The mistakes of one of the two may be obvious (drunkenness, cruelty, betrayal, consumerism at the material level), and the other - hidden (consumerism on spiritual level, jealousy, disrespect, emancipation). However, the former may be a consequence of the latter. That is why they say that both are always to blame. Each of the two always has his own truth. And you, knowing only your own truth, but not knowing the truth of another, cannot judge him.

Secondly, your resentment binds you to this person, like shackles shackle two convicts. By cutting the chain of resentment, you release not only him, but yourself as well. And each of you carries with him his own piece of the chain - his share of responsibility.

How to forgive?

Tell him mentally: "I forgive you!" This does not mean that you approve of what he did or take full responsibility for what happened. No, he is responsible and will fully answer for his mistakes. But he will bear this responsibility himself, without your participation.

If obsessive thought resentment will continue to haunt you, use the above weapon of prayer: "Lord, bless him!"

If we blame ourselves, we need to sort out our feelings and separate the rational from the irrational.

Rational is the facts of your specific sins: betrayal, rudeness, deception, jealousy, the wife's desire to rise above her husband, etc.

The irrational is just an inferiority complex, behind which are not facts, but beliefs: "I am bad," "I am not good for anywhere," "I am not worthy of love," etc.

The rational is cured by repentance. Take your share of responsibility by refraining from self-justification. Asking for forgiveness from a person - real or mentally. Ask God for forgiveness. Work on fixing yourself so that you can become a different person who won't do this anymore.

The irrational is an obsessive false thought. She is healed by prayer and good deeds... But above all - improving relations with parents.

4. Benefit, work on yourself

Known common truth: any difficult situation, any crisis is not a "misfortune", but a test. A test is an opportunity sent down to us from above, precisely calculated according to our needs and abilities, an opportunity to grow, to take a step towards personal excellence and a better life. And the opportunity to grow is so important and valuable to us that it would be strange to call it a misfortune. After all, growing up, we become happier.

But growth doesn't automatically follow testing. As stated earlier, a challenge is an opportunity. If we only feel sorry for ourselves, blame others, lose heart, grumble, then we have not passed the test, have not grown. And you have to grow. Therefore, the next lesson will be tougher.

To pass the test, you must, first of all, come to terms. When you and I, overcoming the desire to lose heart, feel sorry for ourselves and murmur, prayed "Glory to Thee, Lord!" - this was the school of humility. Thanks to this school, in the next tests we will not be so upset. Humility makes us stronger and more patient. Humility is our most valuable "income" from any challenge.

Now that the acute stage of the crisis has passed, it is time to soberly analyze the reasons for what happened.

First, what were constituents your relationship, how much love, how much dependence, how much physiological passion? From your side, from your partner's side.

Second, what were the genuine goals relationships - family, pleasure, mercantile calculation? From your side, from your partner's side. To what extent are these goals worthy of you, do you need such goals?

Third, if the goal was worthy ( real family), then how much you and this person fit for each other and for this purpose? Was it possible to achieve this goal with this person? And did you know him enough to admit the degree of intimacy that you allowed? And with what person can you achieve this goal? And which person is best for you? What qualities do you lack in order to successfully achieve this goal? Are you an adult or addicted? What harmful and useful skills have you learned from parental family and from the relationship that preceded this relationship?

Fourth, if the goal was worthy and people were worthy, what mistakes were you allowed in the process of achieving these goals? What should you do to get a better result?

In the process of this analysis, write down on paper everything that you need to change in yourself. Your mistakes to repent of. Your shortcomings to be corrected. Those good qualities that you need to develop in yourself. These records will be your second "income" from this test.

To get the third "income" from the test, put this piece of paper into action - start working on yourself. First of all, we are talking about inner work... About overcoming addictions, passions, fostering love, chastity. This work on yourself will make you a different person.

If you find it necessary to also work on your body, doing physical education is in any case good for you. Physical training associated with overcoming "I can no longer" not only make our body younger and more attractive, but also strengthen the will, which has great value for the success of all the affairs of our life.

It is very important at this stage to put in front of yourself the right goals for the next period of life. It is the improvement of yourself as a person, education of love in yourself, getting rid of shortcomings that should be your goals. Not new meeting, not the return of the one who left.

Moreover, it is highly desirable abstain from any relationship for at least a year like lovers - even chaste. Otherwise, the relationship will be built on an unreliable foundation. The first time after parting, self-esteem is underestimated. After some time of work on oneself, it can become overestimated. Both that, and another, makes it difficult to soberly evaluate the partner. In addition, the substitution effect is known when we unconsciously seek a replacement for the partner who left us. Relationships that begin to take shape ahead of time will be fragile.

Therefore, do not get hung up on the topic of love relationships! Don't worry about having nowhere to meet with a good man! Everything will happen in due time. When you are ready to create a full-fledged family- a worthy person will appear. As soon as you become a princess, your prince will immediately rush on a white horse. Even if you sit at home all day due to illness, he will make the wrong door or phone number - and will come to you. And if you are not ready, then even with a huge social circle you will not be able to choose anyone.

If age leaves little hope for creation new family Moreover, a person has only one field of activity - his soul. If there is someone to take care of, this is also a worthy task in life, but nevertheless, improving yourself is more important. Since only loving person can truly care for others. Here is the story of a woman living with dignity in celibacy after divorce.

5. Do not recognize the right to be unhappy

Many of us, unconsciously for ourselves, in the state "I am poor, unhappy, no one loves me" feel more comfortable than in the state: "I was born to be happy, and it depends on me whether to be happy or not." This is due to infantilism (childishness), the insurmountability of some stages of growing up. We do not want, as adults, to take responsibility for ourselves. And therefore, although we are afraid of troubles when they come, we literally cling to them and do not want to let go.

The more childish a person is, the more long time he gets stuck in a state of experience. As at school he liked to lie in a crib when he got sick, feeling sorry for himself and accepting the sympathy of others, so here he goes to the bed of self-pity. Finally, something like a valid reason for self-pity has been found. And in such a state after parting, a person, if desired, can stay long years... But what's the point?

In fact, there is not a single valid reason for such relaxation. Adults, mentally healthy people never relieve themselves of their responsibility to themselves and other people. After all, both other people and ourselves need us. They are needed not only healthy and capable, but also strong, joyful, capable of supporting and delighting others.

Therefore, adults, mentally healthy people do not get stuck even in such a serious trauma as the experience of the death of a loved one. No one but our enemies needs our tears, physical and mental illness and suicide. All our near and far, living and dead, we need strong and joyful.

Therefore, our task is to rejoice. And not sometime later, when everything will work out, and we will start a family with one of the heirs of the British royal house. You need to rejoice right now. There is no good reason not to do this. We are alive, able to work, we can love, God loves us, and He gave us many abilities that it's time to use.

Leave feedback ( Priest Ilia Shugaev)
The fact that there is only one love in life was invented by romantics ( Priest Andrey Lorgus)
The love of God will fill the lack of all other love ( Archpriest Igor Gagarin)
You need to understand and accept yourself ( Psychologist Irina Karpenko)

Probably, everyone has experienced unpleasant moments in life of parting with a loved one. It doesn't matter who left whom, the feeling of emptiness remains for both. After all romantic dates began so beautifully, relations developed rapidly, it seemed that it would always be so. But the end came unexpectedly, leaving sadness and longing for past love... Parting seems like the only one the right decision, but where to get the strength to overcome the moment of explanation?

Prerequisites for parting

Time passes, for some the parting takes place on initial stage relationships, for others after a long time, but the prerequisites for such a step are most often the same for everyone. At first, small quarrels and misunderstandings, small conflicts that develop into violent scandals. In relationships, irritation, coldness and indifference are increasingly manifested. There comes a moment when one of the pair or both understands that this is the end and nothing can be glued. Parting - the only way out. Perfect option when both unanimously came to this decision. In this case, psychological losses are minimized. But if you are the initiator, then there is always time and opportunity to weigh the pros and cons and prepare the ground for a correct separation.

The decision must be firm, without hesitation. It is better to repeatedly analyze all the moments of your relationship and the personal qualities of a loved one, since such decisions should not be made spontaneously. If a breakup is unavoidable, take a convenient moment and try to devote enough time to the conversation. The unfortunate way out is your silent disappearance. Such an act is regarded in different ways, it is likely that the partner will do everything to search. It is important that the conversation takes place in person, and not over the phone. Serious explanations are ahead, the reasons should be stated in such a way that after the breakup there are no reservations left, and the abandoned person does not feel deceived.

By adopting final decision, do not reassure your partner by saying that you will take a break in the relationship, do not hint at a possible joint future later. Some people are overly emotional, and empty expectations end in sadness.

Avoid direct reproaches and accusations, especially humiliation. More often than not, both sides are to blame for a cracked relationship. Maybe your partner just did not turn out to be the expected ideal, as your imagination drew it in the beginning. The conversation should proceed calmly, without raised tone and coldness to avoid stormy scenes.

Explain the reason for the breakup, which must be valid, even if it is not true. Thank you for the pleasant moments during your meetings, without going into details. Offer to be friends if possible. There are enough such examples when people have reached mutual understanding and support friendly relations, in some cases even by families.

The situation may be the opposite - they left you. It seems that life has stopped constant feeling loneliness does not leave, annoyance and resentment overwhelm. Occasionally the thought jumps over that it is necessary to overcome everything and start over. This should be the focus of attention.

There can be many reasons for parting - one of the partners is the initiator, or they came to such a decision together. Soul wound remains both in one half and in the other. Similar situations of friends and acquaintances will give a hint on how best to part, but advice family psychologist not worth rejecting.

A mutual solution is the most successful option. Passion and love passed as you got to know each other day after day. The desire to be the best for a partner has disappeared. Relationships have become commonplace, and their continuation does not make sense. In this case, there is a chance for a return, maybe the monotony is to blame for everything, and you hurried. Try to recall the pleasant moments that gave you both pleasure. If resuscitation is not possible, then decision parting will not cause any special injury, but it is important to preserve respect and your own dignity. Disperse calmly, without tantrums and scandal, leaving good memories about yourself and past relationships.

The initiator of the separation is usually in a better position. Think about where to start and how to notify your partner so that the explanations are painless for him, and therefore for you. Avoid significant dates for a moment of unpleasant conversation and harsh phrases. Best for a breakup announcement home furnishings, try to solve everything in one meeting, excluding the possibility of subsequent clarification of the relationship.

Most unpleasant option- the initiative of the opposite half. The statement of a loved one that you cannot be more together. Your feelings, hopes for the future, devotion are trampled underfoot at one point and, as it seems to you, humiliated. The state of emptiness cannot be conveyed. And the situation is aggravated when the initiator is another. What to do, how to survive?

In the first place, oddly enough, there are tears. An excellent remedy for healing (according to psychologists), closing wounds. Internal pain destroys from the inside, and poured out spills out negative emotions and, as a result, weakens.

Do not waste own energy for suffering. Direct it in a direction that is more enjoyable and beneficial to you. Engage in vigorous personal and industrial affairs... Show kindness to those in need (parents, neighbors, friends). This will make you feel useful and needed.

Psychologists claim that a huge role for recovery psychological state will play drastic changes in human form and external setting. New hairstyle, changing the image in clothes, updating the interior in the apartment, any experiment will make you feel like a different person, give a powerful impetus to the beginning of a new life.

1. Do something. Active action quite often help a person out in moments of seeming hopelessness. Work helps to switch your attention to the performance of immediate duties, to distract from personal problems, does not leave time for experiences, at least for a certain period of time. The alternative would be to study, fascinating hobby... Take your free time.
2. Some are treated for stress with sports. Together with the expended forces, negative emotions go away, which can destroy you in moments of despondency.
3. Get rid of things that resemble a loved one. Hide, if you do not dare to throw away, joint photos, presents from him (her) until the pain subsides.
4. Do not go to places where you can meet, and do not arrange "casual" meetings. Moments like these will only worsen your state of mind... This also applies to love songs with sad content and romantic films. Do not artificially tickle your nerves.
5. Try to get the pluses out of the current situation, look for the positive. Previously, there was not enough time for personal affairs, they paid too much attention to the half, but now there is an opportunity to take care of yourself. Take this chance.
6. There is no need to invent ways of revenge. Sometimes, after parting, the one who was left tries to act in the same way in relation to the other chosen one (chosen one). Just first think that another person will experience experiences similar to yours, but it will not become easier for you.

If you were left, giving preference to another or another, do not blame yourself, do not search for shortcomings in yourself, do not build illusions. Physically and mentally let go of your ex-lover or beloved who left you and move on with your life, striving for new acquaintances and relationships. The experience gained may even come in handy.

Mental experiences, pain, tears after parting with a loved one. Everything passes, a little time and smart decisions will help to overcome stress. And it is imperative to believe that the completion of one relationship is the beginning of life from scratch.

Video: how to survive parting with a loved one

No one can remain calm when they say “I don’t love” or “love another”. Everyday wisdom ("everything is for the better", "you will have a hundred more of these", "even Hollywood beauties throw it away ”) seem silly - and I only want one thing: to wake up and understand that everything was in a stupid dream. But days, weeks go by, and you don't wake up - it means that this is actually happening to you. Troubles could be expected from anywhere: they could be fired from work, steal a mobile phone in a minibus, get nasty in a queue. But you could not expect that the closest person would cause pain. At this moment, you feel crushed, because you were not ready for betrayal. And it's not clear what to do next. Psychologists advise - to worry.

Coping with a breakup: childhood experiences of loss

According to Freud and other supporters of the psychoanalytic concept, the situation of a break with a loved one always refers our unconscious to the first experience of abandonment - separation from the mother in early childhood... The circumstances could be very different: Mom went to work early, or you were in the hospital and she was not allowed in, and perhaps your parents were too strict. The result is the same - experiencing a break in personal relationships, a girl who experienced a lack of love in childhood will think: "I probably am not worthy of love."

“When Denis told me that he was leaving, I, of course, was shocked,” says Inna (25). “But at the same time, she seemed to understand, to justify him. After all, he is so successful, smart, handsome, and me? She graduated from a dubious institute and is far from a beauty. Of course, I'm not a match for him. " Psychologist of the Moscow Psychological Aid Service Vladimir Dmitriev I am sure that a small child who lacked parental love in childhood (and he always explained inattention by the fact that he was not worthy of it), having matured, is trying to earn it.

He believes that he has to get better to be loved. “When I began to analyze our relationship, I realized that I was constantly trying to match Denis, I dreamed of making him like him. I still didn’t fully understand why he chose me, so I tried to earn his love ”, - confirm the theory of Inna's words.

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According to Vladimir Dmitriev, in the experience of a breakup, a "childhood story" that a person carries is very clearly manifested: "Exploring it with a client, we return to the past and find a child who lives with a feeling of lack of love."

How to get over a breakup with a boyfriend: someone else's experience

Often you can hear from a person experiencing separation from a loved one that he feels this event as death (his own, partner or relationship). These feelings have a psychological explanation - indeed, experiencing a breakup often goes through the same stages as experiencing a loss. Usually, experts distinguish five stages: shock and numbness, denial and withdrawal, recognition and pain, acceptance and revival, and in the final - life after the end of the experience of grief. “As a rule, people who are in the third stage of experience turn to a psychologist,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. - They feel severe pain and grief that turns into anger. They are angry with themselves, with the departed partner, the injustice of the world. At the fourth stage mental pain decreases. And parting takes on meaning, meaning in life, its place in "personal history". Then the experiencer begins to establish life in a new way, then new events happen and new people appear. " While we are in great pain, it is impossible to analyze the situation. But when the pain releases, it is important to remember that any event, even a very difficult event, can enrich our life, if you look at the incident from the right angle.

“Two years ago, my husband came home from work and said that he fell in love and could not help himself,” says Valeria (29). - When I found out that his new passion was born in 1990, I experienced a powerful explosion of the most terrible feelings - anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, pity for myself and our child. During the year I remembered ex-husband only with curses, now I am grateful to him - for a wonderful son and for a meeting with an amazing man, which would not have taken place if my husband had not left me. " Vladimir Dmitriev explains that while rethinking what happened, we create a personal story with our own hands. The same event, such as a breakup, can be perceived differently by different people: as part of a success story (“thank you for three years of happiness, for a child, for the opportunity to meet love”) or as part of a victim’s story (“they always leave me”, “all men are the same”).

How long does it take to get over a breakup

It usually takes about a year to recover from a breakup. During this time, you need to live alone all the significant dates for the couple (anniversary of the first meeting, declaration of love). Vladimir Dmitriev believes that some aggravating circumstances of parting can increase the duration of the experience. If the familiar world is crumbling (for example, the spouses have been together for a very long time or the woman has learned about the man's double life), then the experience is stretched in time. But if both partners understand that the relationship has exhausted itself, openly talk about their feelings, thank each other and peacefully disperse, then the experience is relatively painless. This does not mean that an amicable, wise parting does not leave a trace in a person's soul. It also does not mean that people who are able to part peacefully are robots without a heart. It's just that a man and a woman in this case will experience bright sadness, and not exhausting pain that deprives them of strength and desire to live on.

“Most men from false gentlemen do not want to become the initiators of parting,” says Masha (26). - Instead of breaking up with their unloved friend themselves, they do everything to make the relationship unbearable for the girl. So it was with me - Dima stopped paying attention to me, came late, and I plucked up courage and voiced his desire: "Let's part." There were no scandals, we just sat down and discussed everything. It was important to talk about us with him, and not rub up personal problems with friends. It turned out to be terribly offensive and painful to hear some words, but very useful (I later understood this). In my opinion, I got through the separation much faster than many of my acquaintances. "

"I'm ugly" and other feelings

The majority of girls (70%) after the breakup blame themselves for what happened. They ask emptiness over and over again: what did I do wrong? for what? what do i need to fix? did you have to behave differently / dress / have sex? After a breakup, a lot of energy goes into analysis. own behavior and giving yourself unsatisfactory marks.

“Now it’s even a shame to remember what I thought of myself after my husband left me,” says Polina (28). - When the self-flagellation went off scale (I got to the point that one of the reasons for his departure was the lack of smoothness of my legs), as if the brake light inside worked. Then I was able to stop and remember that men were leaving perfectly ideal women, actresses and fashion models. It's funny, but this thought made me feel better. "

Guilt always accompanies the experience of loss, be it the death or departure of a loved one. You need to remember that this is normal, and at the same time try to find in your soul at least anger or anger. After all, if you can already feel them, then the denouement is pretty close. In the process of experiencing, you are faced with the fact that a variety of emotions live inside you, most of them are unsightly, but they are necessary in order to learn a lesson from what is happening, and therefore insure yourself against meeting the same rake.

Psychological advice: how to get over a breakup

What words do we hear from friends and loved ones who are trying to support us? Of course, don't worry, forget. Incidentally, this is the most wrong thing to do. Psychologists recommend worrying.

“Whether the experience of the rupture becomes a shackle that prevents us from moving forward, or a treasure, depends largely on how we survive it,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. - Sometimes the pain due to loss of trust (for example, in the case of betrayal) or broken hopes is so strong that you want to forget everything, just erase what happened from your memory. But more often than not, we fail to get over the parting precisely because we are trying to forget it. " Well-meaning friends advise returning gifts, changing hairstyles, or having a new romance as soon as possible. And some of us listen to others, others to themselves. The latter are doing the right thing.

“At first I wanted to throw away everything that reminds me of Oleg and even dyed my hair blonde,” says Irena (22). - Went off on her own with bleached hair exactly one day and returned natural color... It's good that I didn't delete the photos from my computer. It's a part of my life! A few months later I was able to remember our joint travel with a smile, not with tears in his eyes. " Vladimir Dmitriev explains that “surviving” and “forgetting” are fundamentally different strategies. Forgetting interferes with experience. It's like trying to treat a disease with pain relievers. Anesthesia can only be helpful in the beginning. Then it deprives you not so much of the pain as of the opportunity to overcome the ailment.

“I hate myself crying and never allowed myself to cry, even in front of my friends. Probably, dad, who raised me strictly, like a boy, did his job, - says Varya (23). - When the young man, with whom we lived together for four years, left me, she did not shed a tear. I felt terribly bad, but I thought it was humiliating to cry. At the fourth meeting with the psychologist, I finally cried and sobbed for half an hour. And then things got off the ground. "

The experience process is also hindered by illusion. We deceive ourselves, saying: "Yes, he is not needed, I am not at all offended, I will go to a corporate party with another, let him see ..." Fantasies pass, change one another, but real emotions exist, even if you want to forget about them. Do not bother yourself to experience them. The fact is that locked feelings will still come out - in the form of depression or health problems. "Emotions - tremendous power- says Vladimir Dmitriev. "If we break contact with them, this force becomes uncontrollable and we have to tame it with the help of a psychologist." 7 unhealthy ways to get over a breakup

Psychotherapists like to ask clients: what happens if a table leg breaks? The correct answer: if there is only one leg, it will cease to be a table. If there are many legs, it will remain the same. Therefore, the more important and favorite things in life, people, the higher the resilience in any crisis situation, including during the experience of a breakup.

According to the Moscow Psychological Aid Service:

• People rarely make an appointment with a psychologist directly about a breakup (300 cases per 20,000 visits), but often already in the first minutes of the appointment, clients who apply for depression or chronic fatigue begin to talk about the experience of separation.

• Several years ago, almost some women dealt with the difficulties of experiencing parting, last years increasingly for professional help are addressed by men.

Alena Legostaeva
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