How to communicate with your wife. How to learn to talk to your husband or wife. Secrets. This error in relationships is called "Communication Disorder" - the impossibility of normal communication

Good afternoon. I will describe the situation. We lived with my wife for almost 8 years. We got to know each other, met, got together and began to live. On this moment She is 30 years old, I am 33. At that time she had a daughter of three years old, now she is 11. Both were complex nature , hot-tempered and proud. Therefore, when they began to live together, they often quarreled, but these were more ostentatious conflicts in front of each other. because we knew that we could not live without each other, so we were acting out. They cannot be called serious, even friends all laughed at it later, and we ourselves. Further, when they became older, there were a couple of conflicts because of each other's jealousy. But when swearing, we never threw mud at each other, never said nasty things, swore at the situation itself, and my wife, under emotions, could attack me with fists. But it was more funny than aggressive. Once she wanted to hit and missed and hit her hand hard, and the second time I pushed her onto the bed and covered her with a blanket so that she would not rage. But later these stories in her memory for some reason will take a completely different turn. Otherwise, we lived well. They always supported each other in everything, they were always together everywhere for all 8 years. Friends called us lovebirds. Both worked, they had enough money. We always went on vacation in the summer with our family, in the winter we also always organized trips on excursions or to other cities. There was never a refusal in the wishes of his wife to buy something for herself. The child is dressed with shoes, raised like his daughter, and no one even knew that she was not in common with us. Many were jealous of our family that for so long we had preserved both feelings and love and a sharpness in relations. We really lived like native people, we never had secrets from each other. But one day it was as if everything had turned upside down. Nothing boded trouble, the wife never lingered anywhere after work, always answered the phone. But when you know a person, then even by one word or action you can understand that something is not right. So it was with me when we left for work in the morning, something skipped inside. That I could not understand, but that something was wrong in her behavior in the morning. During the day I called her as we always did and asked how each other was doing. But the answers alarmed me, she never spoke like that - I have no time to be busy. Well, in the evening, of course, a surprise awaited me. Arriving from work, I realized that the child was with my grandmother, and my wife, who always comes home before me, wasn’t. Her phone is off. Arrived late at night. Going home immediately began to provoke a scandal, with the words well, let's beat me as always. There was no limit to my amazement, but also resentment and rage. I could only ask her what happened? She roared hysterically and said that we would no longer live and that she didn’t want to see me anymore. The person seemed to have been replaced, I just did not recognize her, she is talking some kind of nonsense in which she apparently believes herself. Seeing her condition and the fact that there is no point in asking questions at the moment, yes, even before that, I understood everything myself, I just asked you, are you exactly sure? She said yes. Then I called a taxi and with the words I went to my friend and left. What I felt at that moment mentally, words cannot convey. Arriving there, she phoned that she really had a friend, but I didn’t see any sense in that. There was no point in arranging a scandal or showdown scenes, because I knew her as myself and knew that at the moment it would only aggravate everything. As a result, I went to my parents without insults and any nasty things. Then three days later she asked to meet and talk. She looked proud and serious. She began with claims in life to me that they lived badly, that life was not what she imagined for herself and that she wanted every day to be a holiday, and not some kind of forever problem. What did you miss for my questions? what have you been deprived of? what have you offended or denied at least once? unhappy with intimacy? I asked you to answer these questions and give at least one example. there were no answers. after which she burst into tears and said, I don’t know why I’m doing this, I don’t know why I’m doing this, I don’t understand how it happened, I would return this week back and I wouldn’t do that. I said that you can erase this week. I will never have any questions about this, everything can be solved. To which there was an answer that since she did this, there was no turning back, that she had already broken our family, and she had no feelings for me and we only had to go forward and experience it. Then she began to chase me away. When I asked her if she thought well and realized what she was doing now with her pride and stubbornness, I received a positive answer. Then I left. I didn’t call or write and didn’t touch her anymore. I talked to the child as before, about school and friends, the child lived with her parents. A month later, she called sobbing and asked for a meeting, what was happening to me inside you cannot imagine, I love her very much and everything around is just empty without her, the meaning of doing something was lost, but I found the strength to talk to her calmly and refuse meetings, because at that moment I already knew that the reason for all this was her colleague from work, who caught another fool with tales about another beautiful life, about big money and with all this his great love for her. I said that until she understands herself, does not understand that she really needs a family and clearly define her actions, I don’t want to meet with her and participate in all this, then she said, well, wonderful and said that she was filing for divorce. ... I said you are an adult and have the right to make decisions yourself and wished her good luck. A week later, another call from her. She sobs again, asks to listen to her, confesses her love and that she really misses that without our family the apartment is empty and cold and asks to meet and talk. Then I could not resist and agreed to meet. Thinking that everything in families happens, a person was mistaken, especially a beloved and dear person without whom I simply fade away and lose the meaning with which we have gone through a lot during our even short 8 years of life. I clearly asked myself if I could forgive her and forget all this, if I had a feeling of aggression towards her or a desire to take revenge. Realizing that a person is dearer to me than all these life circumstances, I went to meet her. The beginning of the meeting was tense, I did not make the meeting a causal showdown, but just started talking on abstract topics. When I was getting ready to leave, she burst into tears and told me not to leave again and not leave her. He barely calmed her down. We stayed and we spent a wonderful day and evening and night, as if nothing had happened, we were laughing, joking, fooling around as before. But in the morning, her phone started to break. I suggested that she turn it off, change the number and leave work. But she said that she needed to answer, after talking on the phone, her face went out again and she said that she was confused and did not know what to do. She misses me very much, our communication, but she will not understand what she feels for me, and there is another life, secured, beautiful and carefree for a person too mixed feelings, love. Yes, and there is no turning back, you can't glue your family together, once you've done it, you have to go to the end and go through it. I tried to explain to her a little that we need to take everything more seriously, that all this is not a joke, that she is more invented for herself than she really is. As a result, she again said go away and a scandal began to brew, I did not bring it to swearing and left. A week later, again calls are excuses to meet. After that we met again and seeing that everything starts in a circle, I said that I no longer want to communicate in such a way, that I hope for her prudence and that she will find the strength to understand the situation and make a decision, for my part, I promised forget all this and never mention this story if her head falls into place. But until it falls into place, I don’t want to communicate anymore and will not, and I don’t see the point in this. Since then, we have not communicated for a month. All our friends still cannot believe that we parted, everyone always envied our family and saw reverent attitude to each other, but here it is. Girlfriends say that they saw her and what her relationship is with this boyfriend colleague. He treats her like a beast, he doesn't smell like fabulous money, he is a stupid and rude person in himself. Nobody can understand what keeps her there. They say you lived a hundred times better. She herself is said to be constantly sad, but she tells them that she does not regret anything, that I constantly drank, beat her and we lived in poverty. Everyone knows that this is not true, but they will not understand why she comes up with it. I love her very much, to me she is real native person, very expensive and necessary, but then I don't know what to do. It’s hard to believe that after 8 years of life, a person was able to turn everything upside down and forget. How should I behave further, is there an opportunity to return something else or is it already the end of the whole story. Her answer to the question, after what her friends saw that it might be possible for her to return to the family, was such that I did not want anything, let it be as it is and I don’t want to go back, and that’s not it. We are not yet divorced at the moment. Sometimes they say she will ask someone so furtively what I am doing, where I am doing, as I am and everyone else. I can't understand the reasons for this turn of events, her behavior and what to do next.

To married couples can communicate effectively and be able to solve problems together, partners need to focus on their respective roles and responsibilities as a listening or speaking partner. But since most often in the family a woman acts as the initiator of a showdown, it is she who thinks about talking with her husband about problems in the relationship. After all, men do not look seriously at many problems that seem global to us.

How to start a dialogue with your husband about relationships

If you want to talk about your relationship with your husband, you have several options for solving problems. One of them is to attack your partner with a list of complaints that you do not believe his words, actions, or what does not suit you in this relationship. This line of conduct is likely to lead to defensive reaction your interlocutor: will defend itself with mutual recriminations in your direction, or emotionally disconnecting to avoid further criticism and escalation of the conflict.

When couples are confronted with an assault situation, they emotionally respond to each other's complaints and criticisms. At this point, partners often experience mixed feelings of anger and pain. Moreover, they are more likely to feel disrespectful, which is the reason for mutual mistreatment. In this vicious cycle, few good will understanding each other's thoughts and feelings, or willingness to discuss different points vision.

It makes more sense to look at another option: let go of the emotional response, take a proactive stance, and prepare before starting a conversation with your husband. Before the conversation, ask yourself a few questions:

1. Decide what is the most important thing for you at the moment? Pick one topic for discussion. Stick to your topic during the conversation.
2. What is your intention in the conversation? Do you want your husband to understand you better? Do you want to feel closer to your partner? Do you want an apology? Or do you want to punish your spouse? If you are very upset, you can wait until you calm down and think about your intentions.
3. What message do you want to hear from your husband? What do you want him to understand about you?
4. How do you want your husband to feel after the conversation? Do you want him to feel closer to you and hope for a joint future with you? Or do you want your partner to feel guilty, angry, or resentful?
5. How can you get your message across? What would The best way talk about your problem?

What determines the effectiveness of the conversation

In any case, if one of the spouses wants to talk about the relationship with his wife or husband, he hopes to be heard and understood. How effective the conversation will be depends on many factors:

1. You don't need to start talking about relationship problems out of the blue. Please select the right time and a place to present your idea in a more efficient way.
2. It is important to properly tune in to a conversation with your husband. If you expect the conversation to go badly, this will happen. If you assume that serious talk will worsen the situation, perhaps it will happen. You must define your expectations for the future conversation and tune in to a positive outcome of the conversation and a positive mood.
3. You need to know the purpose and reason for clarifying the relationship. Do you want to talk to your spouse about difficult problem to better understand your spouse's perspective on the issue? Do you want to clear up a misunderstanding that has arisen? Need to explain to your spouse about lying or abusive behavior? Are you concerned about your level of closeness and want to be closer to your spouse? If you know exactly what to expect when talking with your husband about certain problems in a relationship, the conversation will be much easier.
4. You need to prepare for the fact that the conversation will be pretty intense. Prepare for the fact that your spouse will not want or will not be able to understand you. But in this case, there is no need to scandalize, cry. Try to keep the conversation in an even emotional tone.

Ways to Solve a Difficult Conversation

At important conversation with her husband, oratorical skills are no less important. Correctly chosen words will help smooth out the sharpest corners:

1. Don't say "We have to talk" or "Can we talk?" - Start the conversation by stating that the topic is difficult, emotional, or unpleasant. Clarify that you know that you have different views, but still want to discuss this together in order to better understand the future prospects of the relationship.
2. Never say the words "Always" or "Never."
3. Don't blame in plain text.
4. Prepare rough plan what you want to communicate. It doesn't matter if it is mentally or in writing on paper.
5. Support eye contact... It will be good if your husband sees all the emotions on your face and in your eyes. Don't look away. Watch your hands while talking, try not to fiddle with clothes, or play with your hair.
6. No need to operate with complex phrases and psychological terms. Speak simply, openly, emotionally, but not too much.

How to have a conversation with your husband

Here are a few more points to consider before you sit down with your husband at the negotiating table to talk about your current concerns:

• use more often the word "I" instead of the word "you". If the conversation is more about you, it will be easier for the husband to focus on your words;
• do not attack, do not attack your partner, but rather tell us about what feelings you are experiencing at the moment and what you think about the topic of the conversation;
• do not manipulate your husband, for example, through sex or tears;
• do not defend yourself;
• share your most important thoughts.

Don't expect an instant solution to the problem. If the husband wants to comprehend, to think it over alone, this is normal. Correct solution may not come immediately.

And, of course, the most important condition when communicating with your husband is that you do not need to be shy or afraid. It's good that you want to talk to your husband about relationship problems. This means that you are not indifferent to your joint future, your relationship. If you can't start a conversation with your husband - shyness, fear or any other complexes interfere - seek help from a family psychotherapist.

We will not argue now whether this misunderstanding is due to biological or social reasons... Just as long as it is. And you have to somehow live with him (if possible, of course, happily). How - tells Anetta Orlova, psychologist, radio host, head of the New Horizon center.

Anetta Orlova

psychologist

Men and women seem to speak the same language, but with different accents. That's the whole difficulty - in accents! Sometimes they are so annoying that it is better not to continue the conversation at all.

He can't hear me

Enters the office a beautiful couple... The man sits closer to the exit, stretches his legs to the door (wants to escape), and his hand along the back of the sofa, as if inviting his spouse to sit next to him. The wife understands the signal - there is hope in this: after all, a lot can already be understood by the way couples sit in the office.

A whole play is played out on the woman's face. Strong tension in her arms betrays her anger, her shoulders are powerlessly lowered: she is used to being offended. This is her way of influencing her husband. His guilt becomes the fuel for her existence, and in return he takes revenge on her with a lack of emotional reaction.

She is offended - he ignores the offense - this offends her even more ... This communicative pattern in their relationship leads to more and more alienation.

Focus change

The key to salvation is a change of focus. Try not to talk about what worries you yet, at least experimentally look at the situation from the focus of your partner. After being in "you-focus", move to "they-focus". Play a game where you are a cameraman filming someone else's dialogue. Take a closer look and listen: what is happening between the participants? Are they talking about the same thing? Who speaks more and who keeps silent?

Listen to the tone of the speakers: perhaps irritation and anger are so off scale that the voices become metallic, the words are simply difficult to perceive and comprehend.

Try to imagine that you are turning off the sound of your camera, observe only the body code. How you positioned yourself in space, what your facial expressions express, what feelings are written on your face, what your partner's facial expressions indicate. Answer yourself to the question: do you want to get closer and be close to such emotions? Or is it better to stay as long as possible at work or not come home at all?

This is a purely evaluative, diagnostic action that will help you break free from habitual patterns. Now let's move on to the techniques that (with some effort) will lead you to an understanding.

Female-male phrasebook

Add conversation to negotiations

If you want to establish a dialogue with a man, it is not enough just to listen to him, it is important not to lash out right away with reproaches or accusations.

If you immediately start making complaints about what was said, it is unlikely that this will contribute to rapprochement or at least the continuation of the conversation. Even if you are faced with an unpleasant presentation of information or facts, try to express your feelings in the form of an I-message. Example:

Husband: It would be faster already on February 23, so hunting with Yurik for a couple of days to go to Tver, even if we take a steamy and rest.

Reply via YOU message: So you prefer Yurik's company over me?

Reply via self-message: Understand you: men's holidays- in a male company. But I feel sad without you.

Note that the answer through the I-message does not mean that the husband will not leave with Yurik this time. It only means that you understand his feelings and experience yours.

Don't press on pity

You can end your pitiful tirade with a specific request: "... tell me, he's a goat, right?" Or: "... hug me, please, I'm so sad." Or: "... will you wash the dishes today?" - and it will be easier for both of you.

Don't be afraid of silence

Women are masters of heart-to-heart communication. And for a man it is a burden. For him, it can be comfortable just being close to a woman, even in silence. Men are tolerant of silence, they are happy to be silent when they eat, drive a car, or when, in principle, there is no clear reason to speak. Women, on the other hand, are very sensitive to silence, they can often interpret it as a lack of interest - first they try to fill the pause with themselves, and then they get upset.

Give your husband's brain a rest! If you ask a lot of questions, the partner will get tired of us. If you want questions to help harmonize relationships, ask them in the man's field of expertise. If your question relates to an area where a man feels like an ace, then he will be happy to share information and feel at his best. He will associate this feeling of his importance and success with you.

Do you still believe that true love do not need words? Just the opposite. Trusting conversations make your relationship deeper and you happier.

Experts believe that learning to talk to each other is just as important as enjoying sex. Even the most fabulous nights end, and if, leaving the bed, you have nothing to exchange with each other with a couple of phrases, then the predictions for a long family happiness highly questionable. Often it is the ability to communicate that is the decisive factor that shows whether family union two people to be long, prosperous and full of trust.

TALKERS IN THE FAMILY!

Partners who are sincerely passionate about each other will always find topics for conversation. And not only about personal problems. Loving people discuss a variety of "matters": from the fall in the dollar exchange rate to the new man of the best friend. They build general plans for the coming weekend and share the events of the past day. Talk about latest news in the country, sports, movies and books. They laugh, argue, chat and even gossip. They are never bored in each other's company. Most often, such an intensive dialogue develops among partners completely naturally... People do not study any special rules of communication, but simply sincerely take an interest in each other's thoughts and feelings. But what if the conversations began to drag you into endless and fruitless arguments more and more often? You need to try to change your communication style.

— First of all, learn to listen! Everyone knows how important it is to be able to listen without interrupting your interlocutor. But everyone also forgets about it. But the ability to listen is already 90% successful communication... So restrain your urge to interfere with your partner's speech.

— Don't interrupt or correct. First, listen to his point of view and only then state yours. If it is difficult to deal with at first bad habit interrupt, try to bite your tongue. Yes, yes, in literally... This will give you the clearest and most painful signal to be silent while your partner is speaking.

— Try not to turn the dialogue into a monologue. Your limitless knowledge of accounting (cooking, pedagogy, medicine, etc.) is commendable, but let your spouse speak up. Free conversation is a process in which both partners are involved, and it involves an equal exchange of views. And long and boring first-person lectures can tire any listener and turn a conversation for him into serving a duty.

— Don't drag all the problems into the house. Each person has his own threshold, beyond which he simply ceases to actively perceive information. This means that to bring down your partner emotional experiences from troubles at work, friendly intrigues, shopping and transport shocks is not always worth it. Many things are best discussed with your mom or girlfriend. Or learn to deal with emotions on your own.

— Feel free to express your love. The stronger sex needs approval, support and compliments no less than you and me. Well, what should you say once again: "How happy I am with you!" or "You look great today!" It's not difficult for you, but a man's self-esteem immediately rises. Reward your spouse for the behavior you enjoy. Thereby you will strengthen positive aspects your relationship.

SILENT SPHINX?

Both women and men from time to time feel the need to be alone with themselves. In men, the desire to be alone, or at least to be silent, arises much more often. After all, they, as you know, do not really like asking for help. If your husband gets lost in an unfamiliar area, he will most likely prefer to travel around to the last drop gasoline than to seek guidance. And even more so, he will not seek help in a stressful situation when he needs to ponder some problem or find an answer to a tormenting question. To meditate in splendid isolation is preferable for him. The man is silent, and his brain at this moment is busy developing important decision... Sometimes the thought process takes just a couple of minutes, and sometimes it takes hours or even days. Unfortunately, most women do not understand this male tendency and immediately begin to go over in memory all their words and actions: "What if I did something wrong?" These moments can be the most stressful moments in your relationship.

- Do not engage in self-criticism. Your partner's silence does not mean that he suddenly disliked you or that he doesn’t care about you. It only means that for a while you should not invade his personal space and demand attention to yourself.

- Do not bother a man to be alone with himself. When you notice that your husband's face has taken on an expression of hidden anguish, do not distract him or interrupt his thought process. Do not bother him with the notorious: "Why are you silent?" Let him have enough time to reflect on this or that question. When a man is ready, he himself will turn to you for help. Most likely, after his "return" you will become more closer friend friend.

- Even if you know the reason for his silent boycott, do not rush to offer your partner your help. Men hate it when women start giving them advice they didn't ask for.

- Sometimes male taciturnity may have another completely natural cause... The husband came home from work, tired, and at home he was waiting for comfort and delicious dinner... He wants to relax, be himself and silently watch good movie... He is certainly good with you - well, why words? Curb your eloquence and you will take another step towards mutual understanding. This is the very case when it is more pleasant to be silent together.

TOGETHER INTERESTING

Yes, the great Carnegie was right when he said that you can get along well with another person if you start talking to him about his needs. This rule also works in family relationships... It is difficult for partners to have a free conversation if they have little common interests or topics of conversation. Of course, during the period of acute love, he forgets about basketball and computers and even pretends that he is interested in all these violets on your window. However, very soon everything will return to square one and talk about matches, cars and gigabytes immediately crawl out. What to do?

Try to make personal hobbies a part of your relationship. If your husband is sincerely passionate about something, then you still cannot avoid talking about it. So why not expand the horizons of your knowledge at the expense of the interests of your companion? Make him feel that you are really interested in what he is talking about.

- Become a competent conversationalist. Men and women perceive the world differently and express even the same thoughts very differently. But this will not interfere with mutual understanding if you really know the subject you are talking about.

P. S. In general, do not play in silence with your husband. Talk in the morning, afternoon, and evening. On the phone, at the dinner table, in the cafe, on the beach, in the store and in bed. Don't wait for a stormy stream of speech to suddenly turn into a frail trickle.

WOMEN LOVE TO TALK, MEN ARE ANNOYING

Women need conversation like air. American psychologists found this quite scientific explanation... It turns out that in women, the region of the brain that controls speech is 20% larger than in men. Speech ability at fair half of humanity began to develop ahead of the primitive society... While the men silently hunted mammoths, the women spent the whole day in collective caring for children and everyday life. And all this is in active communication with other women of the tribe. So female eloquence has been perfected for many millennia. But, unfortunately, many men are not able to listen to their wife's long monologues. If you do not want to be known as an empty talker, take care of your husband's ears. Sometimes it is useful to be silent! 60% of all family conversations start at the initiative of women.

WOMEN SHARE FEELINGS, MEN SOLVE PROBLEMS

If a man, finding himself in a stressful situation, often prefers to plunge into silence, then a woman, on the contrary, feels the need to talk about her troubles. Overwhelmed with emotions, a woman finds relaxation in speaking out and getting sympathy. But men, as a rule, do not understand this. They immediately begin to prompt different options solutions. “I’m so tired of this job,” you complain. - Constant checks, reports, commissions. “Dear,” the husband immediately reacts, “I’ve been telling you for a long time: quit!” Of course, you are not going to quit. You have a great job close to home and a great salary, but today has been a tough day. So tell him about it - you don't need his advice, you just want to "cry on a strong shoulder."

WOMEN LOVE DETAILS, MEN GIVE THE ESSENCE

A man is a man of action. Talking more than is necessary to convey basic information seems like a waste of time to him. Men usually prefer a one-line story, their sentences and phrases have a clearly separated beginning, middle and end. It is easy to understand from their speech what they are talking about and what they want. Women, on the contrary, are happy to bring a lot of details, associations and clarifications, often distracting from the essence of the conversation. Such thoroughness can make men lose their temper. The advice is simple: try to learn how to first state the essence of the matter, and hold on to the details for later. And women in their conversations sometimes share with each other such information that men consider very personal. Indeed, why report best friend about your husband's diarrhea? Respect your partner's right to privacy!

Sometimes in a relationship there comes a moment when one of the partners feels the need to speak out, but the fear of being misunderstood, a sense of shame, pride, and sometimes elementary politeness prevent you from starting a conversation.

Where does this feeling come from and why speak frankly at all, and most importantly, how to do it correctly?

As a rule, women tend to sort things out more often than men, since they are conventionally considered more emotional. Men, on the contrary: in every possible way, avoid talking heart to heart, considering it the lot of the weaker sex and a manifestation male weakness... But in this way, without realizing it, they cause harm to themselves: after all, by suffering in secret, they endanger mental health, not to mention relationships that take their own course.

In fact, men are not capable of being frank. fewer women talking about myself all night long. Deep down, they want to fully open up, you just need to create the conditions for this:

gain the trust of a partner;
find the right moment;
find the right words.

What to expect from heart-to-heart conversations?

Sincerity is an enduring value that makes it easier for people to understand their relationships with each other. At the same time, it is a tool that requires skills and abilities.

There are people who find moments of revelation very difficult. Realizing that keeping to myself negative emotions, you will never get rid of problems, they remain stubbornly silent. The reason for this behavior lies in, self-doubt, distrust in a partner.

In contrast, there is the other extreme - people who abuse frank conversations. Unfortunately, their revelations are not aimed at the good of the relationship, but rather are a demonstration of their weaknesses. Thus, they try to absolve themselves of responsibility for the mistakes they have made.

Frank conversations can affect relationships in different ways: distance or bring people closer. It all depends on the situation and on the ability to tactfully formulate your desires.

Lack of candor in a relationship leads to separation and alienation. This is a pattern.

Holding back dissatisfaction and keeping silent about the problems that make themselves felt, the couple can survive for some time. However, sooner or later, the conflict will mature and reach such a peak when the patience of one of them bursts, and the fermented mass of discontent will take the form of anger and burst out in the form of a stream of reproaches and insults, putting a fat end on the relationship.

If both partners are extremely patient and not aggressive, another option is possible: stagnation in the relationship, which will lead to the imperceptible.

The purpose of having a frank conversation

Any problem is always easier to prevent than to cope with its consequences later and try to fix everything.
In cases where one is good, and the other suffers, restraint and patience are no longer virtues, but hypocrisy. Why?

Think for yourself: to feel one thing, to say another, to do a third - such self-sacrifice is unjustified even for the sake of preserving the family.

On the contrary, frank conversations help to strengthen healthy relationships... And this is not a whim, as some think, but a method of solving problems, relieving stress and good prevention conflicts.

The main thing is to learn how to do it correctly, without prejudice to yourself or others.

What's the best way to start?

Sometimes, a good start can get the whole conversation back on track and bring relief to both partners - that's ideal.

It is best to take your time and choose the appropriate moment when both are calm and in the mood for a conversation.

Avoid stressful, harsh phrases like “we need to talk”, which can immediately build a wall between the participants in the conversation.

Formulate the same thing a little differently, “I wanted to tell you something,” “I can talk to you. I'm worried ... "so that the partner feels a sincere note in his voice, a caring look of a loved one.

State your feelings

That is why it is so important to be able to speak. Hints, even the most obvious ones, can be ignored or not understood due to the peculiarities of male perception.

After you start, tell your partner how you feel, what worries you about yourself or him. What are you afraid of, what way do you see the way out, offer a choice of options.

Then let your partner speak: prepare to think it will take him a little longer than you expect.
It is important to listen to the person to the end, to see the situation through his eyes.

clothe requirements in the form of a request or a wish, if you want the partner to listen to you: frank direct demands and straight Talk- far from the same thing. Claims can hurt a relationship because they are nagging;
keep in mind that a man is more vulnerable than a woman, try so that your criticism does not hurt his feelings dignity;
be honest and frank yourself, you cannot call your partner to be frank tricky tricks playing with feelings.