How to adopt a child or the foster mother's tears of remorse. "This is not a feat, but a simple human need - to give your love"

“The neighbors asked who it was. I answered bluntly: we took the boy. What is there to be ashamed of? " Three candid stories adoptions

There are six and a half thousand families in Belarus who have adopted children. Many of them still live a "double" life, believing that it is right to hide the secret from everyone, including the child himself. However, in Western countries the culture is different: children are increasingly being accepted into families openly. It is not surprising that adoptive parents in Belarus have to be careful: the attitude of society towards them is full of extremes. Either "oh horror, mercenary creatures, they took the kids for the sake of a preferential loan," or "oh, these holy heroes with a halo over their heads, adopted unfortunate orphans." In fact, they are neither one nor the other. Onliner.by met with three families to touch real life adoptive parents and children who have become relatives to each other.

“When Egor was brought to us for the first time, the nanny said: 'Look, these are your parents.'

The first time Olesya became a mother almost ten years ago. Danila was long-awaited boy... And in 2014, another son appeared in the family - Yegor (the name was changed at the request of the heroine). One year old baby Olesya and her husband, Oleg, took from the orphanage. Why did they do this? A monosyllabic answer is indispensable.

- I had a great desire to become a mother again. It captured me completely, everything else faded into the background. You work for someone, make money and spend it, the same day after day. And what is all this for? Who do you live for? These are the questions I asked myself- Olesya sincerely admits. - At some point, the realization came that there are children who need parents more than anything else. I really want to become a mother, and they want to get into the family with the same force. So what's stopping me?

My husband and I discussed my desire to adopt a child and closed the topic for a while. For several months, everyone was simmering in their own thoughts. I didn't want him to do it for me or under pressure. This should be a mutual desire, because it is wrong to force anyone in such matters. Desire must come from the heart, otherwise there will be no success.

I slowly read the forums of adoptive parents, adoptive parents. It became clear where to go, what documents to collect. The video tutorials for adoptive parents, which are recorded by the host of the program "While Everyone is Home," Timur Kizyakov, helped a lot. He invited specialists, and they answered the most disturbing questions: what is meant by the diagnoses that you read in the child's medical record; how to react if adopted child steals, and so on. My fears were dispelled. In the end, our own children sometimes steal, get sick and all that.

- What were you most afraid of?

- In fact, it's hard to scare me(laughs. - Approx. Onliner.by) ... But to be honest, I was afraid that I could not cope. We are responsible for those we have tamed. When you decide to give birth to your child, you consciously go to conception. With Danila, I planned everything, prepared for pregnancy, ate right, followed the regimen. Here you are given a child with special needs. A piece of his life has already been passed - and not passed in the happiest way. How to deal with this? I want him to grow up a healthy, developed, happy boy. I was afraid of the consequences: what awaits us years later? But this, in the end, scares all parents. Every mother has a day when she thinks: “My God, everything is bad! Nothing succeeded! I raised him, raised him, and he yelled at me and slammed the door! " With adopted children the same way.

Honestly admitting their fears and finding out that it is normal to be afraid, Olesya and Oleg began to collect documents. The desire of parents to take a child into the family is great, but are they suitable for this role? In one month, the state must check the material and moral readiness of potential candidates. Do they have a place to live? Is the salary normal? Is your health good? Finally, is there a fire detector? Then compulsory psychological courses - they are conducted by both the National Center for Adoption and social and educational centers throughout the country.

- Although a large stack of documents is needed, in fact, all these criteria are easily met if it comes oh normal, a prosperous family... And psychological courses at the National Adoption Center - in general great thing, they really help. We were very lucky to have a specialist who performed them. At first I did not understand why they tell us such harsh things about the life of children in orphanages. Why are these films and books that describe psychological picture unadorned orphans? We were not told: "Everything will be fine, you will cope," but they showed difficult situations... During my studies, I read a book about a girl who was abused and then adopted. The hair on my head began to move ... Over time, it became clear to me: we can handle it, we are adults. After all, who if not us? Now I believe that the courses were conducted correctly. We were told honest things, not the formal "Everything will be fine",- explains Olesya. - On the other hand, I would not want to demonize children from orphanages. They have no horns and no tail - people are like people. Let's say in our family one child is biological, and the second is adopted. Let's take our classroom... There are children who live with a stepfather or stepmother. Some are raised by grandmothers. There are guys from single-parent families... Some have relatives with special needs. I don't think their life is much easier than our family's. And if you take off the crown, get off the pedestal, then it becomes clear: everyone has their own problems, ideal families no. There is no need to poke people with a stick. Try to be kinder friend to friend.

Yes, in our country, orphanhood is mostly social. It is rare to see a child in an orphanage who ended up there because his parents died. Most likely, they are in trouble. Many people believe that this will not happen to them. But everyone can be in this place. It is literally a couple of steps to it.

A Frequently Asked Question foster parents, - "How did you choose the child?" For some reason, everyone is waiting for an answer about love at first sight, but we don’t even choose a husband and wife in one meeting, what can we say about children. Applicants for adoption, that is, those who have collected all the documents and passed the selection, are given the opportunity to meet with several children. So make the decision of your whole life, when you cannot hope for a "call to a friend" or "help from the audience." And then there are diagnoses varying degrees severity - almost all children in orphanages have them ... There is no exact answer on how to choose a child. Each family does it differently.

- When Egor was brought to us for the first time, he was a year old. The nanny, who was holding him in her arms, opened the door and said: "Yegor, look, these are your parents." A chill ran down my spine. At that time, we were just an aunt and an uncle, we could turn around and leave, and then the child is immediately told: your parents. Then began mental anguish: is it him or not? Maybe somewhere else our baby is waiting? .. In the end, it turned out that the perspicacious nanny was right. A month later, we took Egor home.

We got used to each other smoothly and slowly, not with a snap of our fingers. Egor probably had a harder time: he had no experience of life in a family at all, no idea that two caring adults could always be nearby. Little by little we warmed up the child. I knew that he had to go through all the stages normal development as if we had just taken the baby from the hospital. We showed that there is a reaction to any manifestation of it, we taught our son to express emotions and ask for help. I deliberately rocked the one-year-old Yegor in my arms all the time to make up for the lack of bodily contact. And little by little, he lived through the "infancy". Has given up motion sickness before going to bed, began to express affection. He had a new experience: "If I feel bad, my parents will come."

Olesya and her husband are one of the few parents who consider open adoption to be correct: no secrets or fairy tales. Passing half a year with a pillow under a T-shirt, depicting pregnancy, is not their story.

- Our environment reacted to the sudden appearance of a child in different ways. The neighbors could ask: "Who is this?" I answered bluntly: "We adopted a boy." Of course, this is not the most pleasant conversation... It happens that people begin to be wildly shy, lower their eyes to the floor, apologize when they hear about adoption. Although what is there to be ashamed of? This is a fact of our life. We are happy, we are doing well - why are you apologizing? I do not hide from friends: yes, our boy is adopted, this is not a secret. We were lucky with our parents: they accepted Yegor and love him very much. Although I know other stories of adoptive parents, when grandparents took children with hostility.

They often ask: "But what about the genes, are you not afraid?" Listen, let's everyone take and analyze their family history. What, all grandparents-aunt-uncles are blue-blooded? And nobody drank directly?

My position is this: you need to honestly talk about adoption, both the child and others. Why lie? Lying means that you are ashamed, that you are hiding something. And what is there to be ashamed of? In addition, the child already knows everything that he has experienced. Even if he does not realize, does not remember the details, in his soul he feels what happened to him. Yes, this is something intimate, and many lack courtesy. Kindergarten teachers and school teachers put tags on adopted children. Unfortunately, such a thing exists in our country.

But all these difficulties are such a small percentage compared to the joy that you get! Feeling that you are a mother, watching a child grow up, listening to his jokes, watching two sons quarrel and reconcile with each other - this is happiness.

In 2015, Olesya and her husband were among the active participants in the first festival of adoptive parents' families in Belarus. They are going to repeat this important experience this year.

"This is not a feat, but a simple human need - to give your love"

Natalia and Dmitry are more traditional in their views. The 50-year-old spouses respect the "secret of adoption", trying not to advertise to strangers that the girl who has appeared in the family is not their biological child. Onliner.by correspondents were sympathetic to the request of the heroes not to film their faces on camera.

- We do not keep a secret, it is impossible. Our Anechka was almost 6 years old when she was adopted, so not only relatives and close friends know, but also neighbors, colleagues, acquaintances. You can't hide that. We just don't advertise it. If we deem it necessary to tell someone from our new acquaintances, we will do it.

Six months later, we took Anyutka to a dance studio. Recently, a teacher told me: "Your child is the worst." What am I supposed to say: "Oh, this is an adopted child, he is not our bloodline"? And then they will pity and sympathize with us? I told the teacher: “Thank you. We will work and try. " Although one of the acquaintances of the adoptive parents said about this: “Let them know. If something goes wrong, we have nothing to do with it, we are not to blame. This is genes". By adopting a girl, we consciously took responsibility for her and for her genes too,- says Natalya.

At the festival of adoptive parents in 2016

- We have been married for 26 years. It didn't work out for us with children. And I always really wanted a child, for some reason a girl. It was my dream. It did not work for so many years, and finally "The Snow Maiden was scolded",- Dmitry laughs. - I am very satisfied. Sometimes I even feel that I am overly pampering my daughter, but I can’t help myself.

- For a long time, we did not have any thoughts about adoption, moreover, to my mother, who asked us to take the child from orphanage, I said that this will never happen. For the first time my husband and I started talking about adoption after our acquaintances, people of our age, adopted a child in Grodno. This was the impetus. In the end, we came to an unshakable decision: yes, we want to adopt a child. And I must say that the biological parents of our girl are also age,- adds Natalia.

- The first time we met with Anya in orphanage... She ran out into the street and immediately followed us. And at parting she asked me: "Are you still coming?" I stood and did not know what to answer ... We left for a week, and as soon as we returned to Minsk, we immediately went to the orphanage to arrange patronage. Anya saw us, ran to meet us, spreading her arms. On the first day we went to buy her new dresses, and she, standing in line, asked me: "Mommy, where is our daddy?" So, we were not “aunt” and “uncle”, but immediately became “mom” and “dad”. She probably realized that we do not have too much time, we are ready to be parents for a long time. On that day, my daughter could not fall asleep until late at night, the baby was tormented by the same question that you are now asking me: why did we choose her? I explained to Anya: “We want to be your new parents, take care of you, so that you live in a family and you have a mom and dad. We have been looking for our daughter for a very long time and are glad that you were found. " We took the documents to court for adoption in a week,- Natalya recalls.

Anya is surprisingly similar to Dmitry, as if own daughter... They even have the same blood type. “Don't tell anyone that it's not yours. There is one face in the photo! "- the judge noted when the adoption issue was being decided. It is not surprising that the girl chose her dad as her favorite. He is the “chief of toys”, carries his daughter in his arms, and his mother is responsible for more “boring” but useful things: reading, sounding, calligraphy. No evening is complete without shared fairy tale at night.

- Opened to Anya huge world outside the orphanage. She did not understand what kind of free city it was, where dogs were running and cars were driving. The baby was afraid of the noise of the vacuum cleaner, and the coffee machine, and the water running from the tap ... Five-year-old Anechka stumbled, looked around with her mouth open, and I held her hand tightly, even thought that my daughter was disturbed coordination of movements, - Natalia describes the first months.

- It is natural for Anyuta to talk about the fact that she had another mother before, to remember the orphanage. And we, frankly, did not immediately know how to react to this. But now we are already freely discussing the topic of adoption with our daughter. My wife and I agreed that we would never speak badly about Anyuta's biological family. But I am against the school knowing her story: I don't want my daughter to be teased,- says Dmitry.

“And I don’t want anyone to tactlessly hurt a child’s soul in a conversation. I think it will be right to wait until Anya decides what to say and to whom. It is her right to tell that she is adopted, or to remain silent. We will not decide for the daughter. I emphasize: the choice is hers. And we will try to protect Anyutka from unnecessary attention to how she appeared in our family,- Natalia explains. - At the same time, openness is important to me - in the sense in which I understand it. For example, I advocate that families who are just thinking about adoption could come to the festival of adoptive parents. For example, a friend of mine, who had already done eight IVFs and was desperate to get pregnant, discussed the possibility of adoption with her husband. If such a family comes to the festival, this is openness. But propaganda and agitation are superfluous in this matter. How can I persuade people? “Well, adopt a child! Have pity on the orphan! " No. An inner, spiritual need must arise here. We have not had such a need for 25 years.

I believe that everyone should come to the adoption themselves. This is indeed a very responsible and serious step - not to buy a toy. For some reason, many people think that adopted children should be grateful and keep pace. This is not true. Children don't owe anything. Three weeks later, our daughter began to "probe" us and determine the boundaries of what was permitted. There were screams, crying, stamping feet, and clenched fists. Here life experience came in very handy.

- Sometimes at an appointment in a polyclinic, a doctor, for example, says: "God, how nice that there are still such selfless families in our country!" It's strange for me to hear this, because we need adoption first of all ourselves. This is not a feat, but a simple one human need- take care of someone, give your love. We did not take a child into the family in order to help the state or remove the social burden from the government. Not! This is a purely personal need. Our house was filled with children's laughter, Anyutka has changed a lot in eight months, we can talk about her for hours. This is joy- Natalia sums up.

"I was angry and jealous of families with children."

Olga and Alexander became parents 3 years ago. Just at some point they decided that they were tired of being together: 11 years together - I wanted to share my life with someone. So the one and a half year old Nikita appeared in the family. The decision to adopt was not an easy one, but it appears to be fair to herself and to the boy.

- Why did we adopt a child? Everything is simple. Banal physics. We did not have the opportunity to become parents ourselves, so we made this decision. Three s more than a year ago, a friend signed us up for preparatory courses at the National Adoption Center. Having heard and seen everything with our own eyes, we finally decided that New Year- 2014 we want to meet three of us,- Alexander recalls.

- We always wanted children. It seemed completely natural to feel the parenting experience,- Olga joins the conversation.

“It was as important to me as it was to my wife. I admit, I was even angry and jealous of those couples who have children. I didn't have a child ... We brought Nikita home on January 4. We wanted to have time to formalize the adoption and celebrate the New Year together, because we became attached to the boy during our meetings at the Children's Home, we saw how bad he was there. But with our officials it turned out as always. I had to swear and solve problems. For example, an inspector in the education department has lost our documents several times, and there is an impressive list of papers. I also had to come to the Children's Home more than once to finally resolve the situation with the "giving side", it was a serious hassle. It took a long time to explain in court why we need adoption at all. Like, you live well - why do you need a "dysfunctional" child? Why did they decide to adopt so quickly, why did they not go to Nikita for several months? I had to literally "educate" a judge on how the psyche of a child works without an adult and why every meeting for a child is another trauma of attachment and loss of trust in people.

Only the National Adoption Center is a pleasant exception in this matter. There we received support and help in the form of advice. On the whole, it feels like no one in our country is interested in adoption.

Soon there will be a festival of families of adoptive parents "Native people". And we are very concerned about him, because the main goal of the festival is to improve the image of adoption. Illustrative example- the same States where to take a child from an orphanage is good tone... And with us - it is not clear what. The act is "kind of good", but they look at you askance. There is a disregard for orphanhood and adoption,- states Alexander.

Despite the formal difficulties, Olga and Alexander managed to achieve their goal. In December 2013, the court officially recognized them as Nikita's parents.

- And it started! For the first month and a half, I hardly showed up at work at all. Since I run a small business, I could afford it. It was months on adrenaline. Now, after the fact, I understand everything well. My wife and I saw no problem. We were knee-deep in the sea. For example, just now, looking at the photo, we see how dystrophically thin Nikita was after the Orphanage. We didn’t notice it then. And many similar moments, health problems seemed to us something insignificant,- Alexander recalls.

- From somewhere they took all their strength!- Olga laughs. - It was a time of contrasts: incredibly hard during the day, and at night, when the baby fell asleep, it felt great happiness... It was very lucky that our son immediately accepted and trusted us. Nikita is an open boy. I guess that this is largely the merit of the nanny in the Children's Home, who often took him in her arms. Nikita was her favorite and thanks to this he did not lose confidence in people. He accepted me and my husband very well, literally right away, although at the Children's Home it was called a clear violation of affection. But we literally fell in love with the baby, and all the disadvantages that the staff of the institution spoke about seemed to us to be advantages. The adoption decision was firm.

In the first months, Nikita did not let me go at all, he hung in his arms. Usually at a year and a half, boys are already walking, exploring the world, and our baby wanted to be in my arms or Sasha's all the time. New environment caused him fear and anxiety. Putting to bed every time was a real feat for us: the baby could not lie next to us and be alone in his crib. We think he was seized by the fear that "I will fall asleep, and my mother will disappear at this time." They rocked them for two hours in their arms until they fell asleep, put them in a crib and ran out of the room. Neither the stroller helped, nor anything else. Being out of our hands caused fear and panic. We even wondered: is there such a phenomenon - excessive attachment?

- Nikita may be small, but he is a man. He understands everything, feels, remembers. Surprisingly, at the age of 5, he already clearly knows that he has been adopted. Although he cannot explain everything to himself. Of course, inside him there is so much pain and resentment towards the world that the baby begins to get angry, to show aggression. After all, he does not know where this pain comes from, why he feels so bad at heart. This common story with adopted children. Therefore, yes, Nikita is a "difficult" child. "Inconvenient". Sensitive. Demanding. He remembers everything very well. Himself asks difficult questions to be answered. And in this case there is nothing better than the truth... We decided not to invent any stories, but to honestly talk to Nikita about adoption,- Alexander explains his open position.

The human psyche is arranged in such a way that, unfortunately, the trauma of abandonment will remain with the child from the orphanage for life. Even now, one of Nikita's favorite games is taking care of toy babies. He can bring the baby and say: “Mom, look, he's lying alone. Have pity on him, please! " It's a way to relive your grief over and over again, trying to change the script.

- I explained to Nikita everything that happened to him through a fairy tale. She told me how one kid lived in the world, grew up in a house with other children, he was raised by his aunts, and then my husband and I came and took him to our place. And we will never leave the baby again. “You can beat, shout, get angry, but we will not leave you,” - that's what I said to my son. Then Nikita fell in love with listening to the tale about the lost bear, which I also invented especially for him. So he grew up with the knowledge that he appeared in our family not from the very birth. Now, at the age of 5, he is just beginning to understand that babies are born from mom's tummy... In his version of the world, until recently, children appeared from orphanage, - explains Olga.

There were practically no problems with the reaction of the environment to adoption. Alexander and Olga honestly told their relatives about their joys and difficulties - where without them. As a result, one couple of friends also decided to take such a step - to take a child from an orphanage.

- Look how wonderful Nikita is! Absolutely ours, dear! I can't imagine another child right now. It is worth all the difficulties - to see, to be involved in how the little man flourishes,- Olga is convinced.

- At the same time, the story of our son and his inner experiences that affect the whole family. I don’t want to tell you, they say, adoption is sheer bliss. No. For example, when I see Nikita's depressed mood, I start thinking. How to behave? How to educate correctly? What will happen next? It's complicated,- Alexander admits. - We were lucky: we are surrounded by competent people - starting from the director of the National Center for Adoption Natalia Pospelova (at first we called her every day with questions, putting Nikita to bed), family psychologist Olga Golovneva and ending with the chief pediatric neurologist of the Ministry of Health Leonid Shalkevich.

However, in general, our society does not understand adoption. If you came to the family differently from the rest of the children, then the school will be labeled as a "orphanage" with whom you will have to live to the end. But I'm not afraid for my Nikita: he will fight back. And if necessary, I will come myself and stand up for my son! But all the same, this is a negative that one has to deal with. I know of several stories where pro-publicity adoptive parents changed their stance due to the brutality of the school.

- Adoption is natural way... Why surrogacy is considered something normal, but a child from an orphanage is not? By participating in

I have always known that a family cannot have one child. I knew, that's all. And life helped me to establish myself in this opinion. My daughter suffered cancer at the age of 4, and although we defeated it, I only strengthened my belief that there should be many children in the family. No, not as a substitute, but in order not to go crazy and continue to live for the sake of someone.

Important call

This long history... I lived alone with my daughter and dreamed of adopting little man, but somehow there were other important things to do all the time. And here late autumn called close girlfriend and said that I can congratulate her: she now has two children, the second is a son. His name is Timur and he is 6 months old. If I hadn't seen Olga in the coffee shop yesterday, I would have thought that I had lost my mind. And then it dawned on me: she did it! Why did she manage, and I still can't, when will there be “that day”? I immediately googled the phones of the guardianship authorities in the area, and the organization was three steps from my house. Isn't it a sign of fate? The very next day I was at the reception, and the most difficult thing was to answer the question: "Why do you want to take the child?" If I only knew how many times I would be asked this question different people... Now I know the answer: I wanted to do well for myself and for someone else.

So many papers ...

Yes, you really need a lot of paperwork, but do not believe someone who says that it is very difficult. Yes, there are inadequate care workers, but we meet such people at every step. So, the scheme: first you need to make a request to the special authorities about the criminal record - the certificate is made for about a month (they say that now this process has been simplified), and you go to classes at the school of foster parents (PDS) - it is in every district, and classes there are free ... At the same time, go to the clinic and dispensaries, hand over the tests - you will be given a special piece of paper - "slider". All this takes at most a month, believe me.

Lonely children are not given

This is an outright lie. Why it is being distributed - I don't know. How they give! I didn’t even have property: I lived in an apartment, but I was not registered there and was in litigation with the tenant about the document - I wanted to have a certificate of ownership of the apartment. I was very afraid that because of this they would not give me a baby. And in the apartment in which I lived, social repairs took place, and on the eve of the visit of the commission from the guardianship authorities and the Rospotrebnadzor, which was supposed to check where and how the child would live, all the tiles in my kitchen fell off. It looked terrible, I passed off the devastation for repairs. And having signed all the health documents at the head physician, having given a police clearance certificate and living conditions, she began to wait for the conclusion. Conclusions that I can be a guardian. Oh, yes, these documents were accompanied by a statement from my 14-year-old daughter that she did not mind that I wanted to take the child. Nobody knew more about this adventure of mine.

No need to look, he will come himself

I immediately called the orphanage, as I remember now, it was on December 30, and they told me that no, no one took this boy. I immediately faxed them a conclusion that I could be a parent, and on January 2, I stood with a bag of diapers under the door of the child's house (you better not know how I got there). Met me at 8 am Social worker and began to read Maksyusha's medical card, what else, besides the heart, is my future son... He had a suspicion of tuberculosis (his mother fed him in the hospital, although she had an open form of this disease) and an inguinal-scrotal hernia. And in his 1 year 6 months, he naturally did not say a word and, as I was told, did not even walk around. In general, lagged behind in mental development... With every word they said, it seemed to me that I was dying ... And there was no way back. How can I turn around and leave? And then there were footsteps on the stairs, a social worker brought me a boy. He was wearing a very cute suit and a bonbon hat larger than his head. Maxim immediately handed me a warm, damp little hand. I was allowed to take him in my arms and immediately asked: well, mommy, do you? The kid all this time happily jumped on my lap. I looked into his eyes and asked: “Well, Max, will you go to Moscow to live with us?” Without expecting, of course, an answer. The kid froze, gazed into my eyes and said quite clearly: “Yes! Yes, yes, yes! ”.. And these people told me that he didn’t even hum! I signed all the papers without hesitation. And realizing that the baby would not see the New Year at home, she prayed for one thing: to finish the design as soon as possible so that Maksimka could meet Christmas at home.

Christmas miracle

I called the baby house and the city's education department every day, but they asked me to wait. On January 6, in the morning, I woke up with the feeling that it would be enough to call, dialed my friend, took my daughter, baby clothes, and we went by car for my son. The insane fear that someone other than me would take him was maddening. A doctor friend cynically reassured: who needs him, with three heart defects, tuberculosis and a hernia and chest? Only for you. It made it easier. We came to closed doors department ... But then someone got out of the parked car, and it turned out to be that same evil aunt who gave her son away like a potato. “They couldn’t stand it. Well, God be with you, today is Christmas. Take the documents and follow him to the baby's house, I will call, do not forget to give the folder with the file to the guardianship authorities in Moscow on Monday. Although this is not according to the rules ... "

I took off from him, from my baby (he didn’t look like a one and a half year old, at most 9 months, he had just started to walk unsteadily), orphanage things in an instant, dressed in everything new and what friends had given, and took it out into the street. I remember how my son pressed against me and closed his eyes from the brightness of the snow. On the way, we were stopped by a patrol: in a hurry we forgot about the chair, and it's not a fact that Max would have sat in it. All the way he rode in my arms, and just approaching Moscow, I put him on a blanket on the seat, and he, closing his eyes, began desperately to rock his head. The way all the kids in the orphanage lull themselves to sleep. I gently wrapped my hands around his head, and he gradually calmed down. And exactly at midnight we stopped at the entrance of my house. Maxim did not wake up until morning and slept smiling, as if he knew that a miracle had happened and now he has a big family: mom, sister, grandmother, great-grandmother and great-grandfather ... And six months later, we also had a dad. These are the miracles.

P. S. Many years have passed, my son is in the third grade, he knows that he is adopted, but he is glad that we found him and love him so much.

Anna Kryuchkova

Svetlana and Igor adopted Lyuba. But soon Svetlana realized with horror that the one-year-old baby disgusted her. Months of shock: self-delusion, fear, burnout and pregnancy loss. Belarusian families who adopt children know about the “adaptation crisis”. But they do not know why it is happening, how to cope with it, to whom to go with this problem. Often they urgently need the help of psychologists, communication with other such families - so that life does not turn into a nightmare.

Svetlana and Igor Married for 17 years. She is a translator, he is a geek. They live in Minsk in an ordinary "sleeping bag". They are raising four children: two boys and two girls. Lyuba is almost eight years old. Svetlana and Igor adopted Lyuba when she was 11 months old. They took the baby to their home. And soon they were afraid of their own feelings.

"I considered myself a monster"

I already had two sons. And I really wanted a daughter, - says Svetlana. - Then it seemed to me that there is no critical difference between "giving birth to your own" or "adopting someone else's" baby. I thought: there are girls who do not have parents, but I have a desire to take. It is logical. Okay. Right.

The youngest son was one year old, and I was so happy in this motherhood! There was so much strength in me that, it seemed, I could raise five children at the same time. The husband assessed himself more realistically and immediately said that it would be hard for him with someone else's child. I persuaded. The decisive argument is Social responsibility... "Who if not we?" In principle, it is: we cannot live in a happy vacuum on one side of the fence, and those children - on the other, in their "leper colony." If there are orphans, then some kind of fault lies with all of us.

I learned about Lyuba from volunteers who visited one of the orphanages. We clarified the information with the administration - and went to get acquainted.

I saw a plump, curly, cute little big-eyed. The next month and a half they came to the orphanage, walked with Anyone, brought toys. We got used to each other calmly: on my part there was neither excessive painful tenderness, nor rejection.

The "hunger" is such that they eat you whole. And parents are not bottomless

But when they took Lyuba home, something unexpected happened - on the very first day it became unbearably hard for me. The strongest disgust for the child appeared. I lay at night and thought: "God, what have I done!"

And so it was not one night. It took a couple of years!

At the courses of adoptive parents, we were told about the adaptation period, but I did not expect that it could be so long. We were told about the possible destructive reactions of the child, but I was embarrassed my reaction: I just hated my adopted baby! Here she wrinkles her nose, but it seems to me that I have never seen anything more disgusting in my life. I was disgusted to watch her eat and drink. Lyuba had absolutely no developed taste buds - she swallowed everything. Household children, as a rule, are picky about food, they taste the offered dish for a long time, turn up their nose if something goes wrong. And Lyuba could eat the mustard and not frown.

She had the same type of reaction to everything - mostly screaming. Monotonous facial expressions, she often seemed to fall into a stupor - glazed eyes, open mouth. I could not photograph her, deleted the pictures, because they seemed terrible to me ... In general, I had no idea that such aggression, hatred and irritation could be felt towards children.

I felt like a monster, unable to love a poor child. And it was scary. To those around you you cannot say: "She pisses me off." This will be immediately condemned: “Adopted - so love, what are the problems? And if you treat an orphan badly, then it’s the last non-human. ” And you think so to yourself. And you also worry that the foster child is the worst in this situation. "

"The husband said: we made a mistake."

From my boys, I received an emotional charge in the form of smiles, gratitude, and from Lyuba there was no charge, - says Svetlana. - Only a minus. She only took away. And this is understandable: abandoned children do have an emotional hole. The "hunger" is such that they just eat you whole and still remain emotionally hungry. And parents are not bottomless.

Instead of accepting the situation and calmly caring, such parents begin to try to love more, to invest more in this deprived child. And in the end, nothing remains of them. This is a classic burnout. It happened to me.

I was like that person who rolls a stone up a mountain and thinks that everything is about to be fine, but the stone breaks down, rolls down and crushes you. I have good memory... But those two years of adaptation fell out of my head: I don't remember what I was wearing, how I ate, whether I slept with Anyone or separately. I only remember the severity. It seemed to me that I was in a well and see a pitiful patch of sky above my head - such was a narrowed, altered consciousness. And emotional exhaustion. I have run out of pity and empathy for anyone. Probably, the self-preservation mode has turned on.

In that difficult period I got pregnant again, which made it even more difficult emotional background... At one point, the husband could not resist and said: "We made a mistake, we need to fix it and give Lyuba back." Probably, he did not think so, and it was said in a moment of weakness. But then everyone had a moment of weakness.

I didn't know what to do. On the one hand, I could not imagine how it would be possible to live peacefully on, having sent the child back to the orphanage. For me, this is akin to an abortion. We invited a person into our life and suddenly we were expelled. On the other hand, she did not see a way out of the situation without the support of her husband. Dead end.

How could my Lyuba express different emotions if she didn't see them in the first year of her life?

How did you get out? Only with the help of a specialist. Almost immediately, I began to call the psychologist of the Adoption Center Olga Golovneva, who taught us at the preparatory courses and advised us to seek help in case of any problems. We went to her with her husband for consultations, called. She came to our home for support. Then I started talking to other adoptive parents. And I found out that my reaction is not unique. The family is a single organism. And so the adoption of a child can be compared to an organ transplant. It can take root remarkably almost immediately, and sometimes it goes badly. And this does not mean that parents are terrible. This is the given.

Saved, probably, and the fact that my husband and I were not afraid to admit our "strange" feelings in front of each other. We led endless conversations about how long you can endure this situation. Before that, my husband and I believed that everything in life depends on us. It turned out not. And that calmed us down. We decided - be as it will, we will not go according to our scenario. You cannot expect from these babies the same behavior as from native newborns. It's nobody's fault. You just have to accept it.

Due to stress, Svetlana lost her pregnancy. But this did not embitter the family, but rallied:

Grief unites too, she says.

"We are not superheroes"

Before Lyuba got into the family, she spent several months in an orphanage. And she was brought to the orphanage from the hospital, where she was treated for two months. And she got to the hospital from drunken parents who never visited her.

Adopted children are special, - emphasizes Svetlana. - And the point here is not in a dysfunctional heritage, but in a deep trauma, a fracture that occurs in children separated from their biological parents. This is akin to being deprived of the right to life, because human babies cannot live without the care of adults. This trauma can manifest itself throughout life, causing difficulties in building relationships with the world. When you understand this, all the "oddities" in the behavior of the adopted child become explainable. How could my Lyuba express different emotions if she did not see them in the first year of her life? She saw next to her only exactly the same orphans, screaming or indifferent, and copied their behavior. The first years she hid food, and we shoveled a bunch of stubs, dryers, sweets from under cabinets and beds. It's all the same trauma, the fear of being deprived of basic needs.

They say that for one year of a child's life in an orphanage, it takes three years in a family to align him with his peers. I understand that very well now.

But society is not always the case. Even close people.

It happens that grandparents do not accept an adopted child. They say, for example: "You bring my own grandchildren for the holidays, but this is not necessary." Fortunately, there was no such thing in my family, although the addiction of my relatives was also not smooth. Once I met my mother's employee at the theater, who saw Lyuba for the first time. Then I found out that my mother, when she asked who this girl was, said: "Familiar." Of course, it hurt me very much, as if my daughter was embarrassed. But everything went without quarrels, I just talked and explained my feelings to my mother.

I understand how orphans behave inappropriately from the point of view of an adult who is accustomed to domestic children. This is really not a sight for the faint of heart. When a child, for example, smears poop on the bed around him and yells, few people will be filled with sympathy - people have never seen such a thing in families. Therefore, foster parents need to be ready to constantly protect the child and explain his behavior to others.

And this happy family... Family without secrets

Society has little understanding of what it is like to be adoptive parents. As much as the new parents love the foster, the primary trauma can surface. Hence - destructive behavior and disease.

Adopted children have problems with concentration, mood swings, they require constant encouragement and praise. Many of them are prone to injury because they feel bad about their bodies and walk in constant bruises. And the neighbors think that they are not being watched or beaten. Some children have no sense of self-preservation: they love risky games, jump from rooftops, throw themselves under cars.

Who's guilty? For society - parents! Recently, the press described a case when an adopted boy was admitted to the hospital with a head injury and fell off a swing. No crime. Some woman took a picture of him in the hospital, wrote that no one came to him. And the parents really did not go often, since they lived somewhere in the village, there was no one to leave the farm to. Somehow the fact of adoption surfaced. And the society condemned: "they are pigs dearer than a child"," Yes, we'd better adopt him "and so on. As a result, the adoptive parents abandoned the child. I'm sure: not because they didn't love them, they just pecked them so badly that they decided that they really didn't deserve to be brought up.

Guilt can be overwhelming. If you assess the problems of your own children calmly, then in relation to the adopted child you always think: you didn’t add something, “didn’t rehabilitate”. Expectations from foster parents are high. But we are not superheroes.

Nine months ago, Svetlana had another daughter. Now the family has four children. And this is a happy family. A family without secrets. Friends know that Lyuba is not native child... Lyuba herself knows:

We do not hide this. I explained to my daughter that she was not born in my belly, that she had ended up in a hospital and an orphanage, where we found her. If she eventually wants to find her biological parents, I will give her all the information. We were so set up in the courses: the secret of adoption may be for others, but the child himself must know everything about himself. This is consonant with my convictions. We have a video of how we take Lyuba from the orphanage. And this is one of all my kids' favorite videos.

How can you help adoptive families

There are 7,000 adopted children and 6,000 adoptive families in the country. 500-600 new ones appear every year. All of them have four psychologists at the National Center for Adoption and psychologists of social services, to whom it is embarrassing, if not scary, to go to them: “if you do not cope, it means that you are guilty, that means we will take away the child.”

« Native people"- a community of adoptive parents and professional psychologists... Specialists conduct individual and group consultations, trainings, correctional and developmental classes for children. Experienced adoptive parents help "newcomers", they give hints from everyday life. Working with qualified psychologists, communication with like-minded people reduce tension in families, strengthen attachments, trust, and mutual understanding between adopted children and members of their new families. During the work of Native People, not a single cancellation of adoption has happened among the project participants.

Olga Golovneva, Head of the Native People project, tells:

Since 2006 there is a mandatory psychological preparation adoptive parents. A psychologist comes, only from a student's bench, and in front of him are 40-year-old candidates for adoption with a solid life experience... Their level of trust is negligible. And after adoption, if there is an adaptation crisis, the family is unlikely to go to this psychologist: “we are bad, we are doing something wrong, and what if the child will be taken away?”. In Native People, if we start working with an adoptive parent, he is with us for a long time: at our meetings, in our groups, in daily communication and correspondence. A person has where to go, there is someone to ask important questions.