Happy adoption stories. We saw from the very beginning that Max reveals himself better in a familiar, family setting, rather than in a large class. At the age of three, Max, like all the children here, entered the younger group - and soon adapted, found many

“The neighbors asked who it was. I answered bluntly: we took the boy. What is there to be ashamed of? " Three candid stories adoptions

There are six and a half thousand families in Belarus who have adopted children. Many of them still live a "double" life, believing that it is right to hide the secret from everyone, including the child himself. However, in Western countries ah, the culture is different: children are increasingly being accepted into families openly. It is not surprising that adoptive parents in Belarus have to be careful: the attitude of society towards them is full of extremes. Either "oh horror, mercenary creatures, they took the kids for the sake of a preferential loan," or "oh, these holy heroes with a halo over their heads, adopted unfortunate orphans." In fact, they are neither one nor the other. Onliner.by met with three families to touch real life adoptive parents and children who have become relatives to each other.

“When Egor was brought to us for the first time, the nanny said: 'Look, these are your parents.'

The first time Olesya became a mother almost ten years ago. Danila was a long-awaited boy. And in 2014, another son appeared in the family - Yegor (the name was changed at the request of the heroine). One year old baby Olesya and her husband, Oleg, took from the orphanage. Why did they do this? A monosyllabic answer is indispensable.

- I had a great desire to become a mother again. It captured me completely, everything else faded into the background. You work for someone, make money and spend it, the same day after day. And what is all this for? Who do you live for? These are the questions I asked myself- Olesya sincerely admits. - At some point, the realization came that there are children who need parents more than anything else. I really want to become a mother, and they want to get into the family with the same force. So what's stopping me?

My husband and I discussed my desire to adopt a child and closed the topic for a while. For several months, everyone was simmering in their own thoughts. I didn't want him to do it for me or under pressure. This should be a mutual desire, because it is wrong to force anyone in such matters. Desire must come from the heart, otherwise there will be no success.

I slowly read the forums of adoptive parents, adoptive parents. It became clear where to go, what documents to collect. The video tutorials for adoptive parents, which are recorded by the host of the program "While Everyone is Home," Timur Kizyakov, helped a lot. He invited specialists, and they answered the most disturbing questions: what is meant by the diagnoses that you read in the child's medical record; how to react if adopted child steals, and so on. My fears were dispelled. In the end, our own children sometimes steal, get sick and all that.

- What were you most afraid of?

- In fact, it's hard to scare me(laughs. - Approx. Onliner.by) ... But to be honest, I was afraid that I could not cope. We are responsible for those we have tamed. When you decide to give birth to your child, you consciously go to conception. With Danila, I planned everything, prepared for pregnancy, ate right, followed the regimen. Here you are given a child with special needs. A piece of his life has already been passed - and not passed in the happiest way. How to deal with this? I want him to grow up a healthy, developed, happy boy. I was afraid of the consequences: what awaits us years later? But this, in the end, scares all parents. Every mother has a day when she thinks: “My God, everything is bad! Nothing succeeded! I raised him, raised him, and he yelled at me and slammed the door! " With adopted children the same way.

Honestly admitting their fears and finding out that it is normal to be afraid, Olesya and Oleg began to collect documents. The desire of parents to take a child into the family is great, but are they suitable for this role? In one month, the state must check the material and moral readiness of potential candidates. Do they have a place to live? Is the salary normal? Is your health good? Finally, is there a fire detector? Then compulsory psychological courses - they are conducted by both the National Center for Adoption and social and educational centers throughout the country.

- Although a large stack of documents is needed, in fact, all these criteria are easily met if it comes oh normal, a prosperous family... And psychological courses at the National Adoption Center - in general great thing, they really help. We were very lucky to have a specialist who performed them. At first I did not understand why they tell us such harsh things about the life of children in orphanages. Why are these films and books that describe a psychological portrait of orphans without embellishment? We were not told: "Everything will be fine, you will cope," but they showed difficult situations... During my studies, I read a book about a girl who was abused and then adopted. The hair on my head began to move ... Over time, it became clear to me: we can handle it, we are adults. After all, who if not us? Now I believe that the courses were conducted correctly. We were told honest things, not the formal "Everything will be fine",- explains Olesya. - On the other hand, I would not want to demonize children from orphanages. They have no horns and no tail - people are like people. Let's say in our family one child is biological, and the second is adopted. Let's take our classroom... There are children who live with a stepfather or stepmother. Some are raised by grandmothers. There are guys from single-parent families... Some have relatives with special needs. I don't think their life is much easier than our family's. And if you take off the crown, get off the pedestal, then it becomes clear: everyone has their own problems, ideal families no. There is no need to poke people with a stick. Try to be kinder friend to friend.

Yes, in our country, orphanhood is mostly social. It is rare to see a child in an orphanage who ended up there because his parents died. Most likely, they are in trouble. Many people believe that this will not happen to them. But everyone can be in this place. It is literally a couple of steps to it.

The question that is often asked to foster parents is "How did you choose your child?" For some reason, everyone is waiting for an answer about love at first sight, but we don’t even choose a husband and wife in one meeting, what can we say about children. Applicants for adoption, that is, those who have collected all the documents and passed the selection, are given the opportunity to meet with several children. So make the decision of your whole life, when you cannot hope for a "call to a friend" or "help from the audience." And then there are diagnoses varying degrees severity - almost all children in orphanages have them ... There is no exact answer on how to choose a child. Each family does it differently.

- When Egor was brought to us for the first time, he was a year old. The nanny, who was holding him in her arms, opened the door and said: "Yegor, look, these are your parents." A chill ran down my spine. At that time, we were just an aunt and an uncle, we could turn around and leave, and then the child is immediately told: your parents. Then began mental anguish: is it him or not? Maybe somewhere else our baby is waiting? .. In the end, it turned out that the perspicacious nanny was right. A month later, we took Egor home.

We got used to each other smoothly and slowly, not with a snap of our fingers. Egor probably had a harder time: he had no experience of life in a family at all, no idea that two caring adults could always be nearby. Little by little we warmed up the child. I knew that he had to go through all the stages normal development as if we had just taken the baby from the hospital. We showed that there is a reaction to any manifestation of it, we taught our son to express emotions and ask for help. I deliberately rocked the one-year-old Yegor in my arms all the time to make up for the lack of bodily contact. And little by little, he lived through the "infancy". Has given up motion sickness before going to bed, began to express affection. He had a new experience: "If I feel bad, my parents will come."

Olesya and her husband are one of the few parents who consider open adoption to be correct: no secrets or fairy tales. Passing half a year with a pillow under a T-shirt, depicting pregnancy, is not their story.

- Our environment reacted to the sudden appearance of a child in different ways. The neighbors could ask: "Who is this?" I answered bluntly: "We adopted a boy." Of course, this is not the most pleasant conversation. It happens that people begin to be wildly shy, lower their eyes to the floor, apologize when they hear about adoption. Although what is there to be ashamed of? This is a fact of our life. We are happy, we are doing well - why are you apologizing? I do not hide from friends: yes, our boy is adopted, this is not a secret. We were lucky with our parents: they accepted Yegor and love him very much. Although I know other stories of adoptive parents, when grandparents took children with hostility.

They often ask: "But what about the genes, are you not afraid?" Listen, let's everyone take and analyze their family history. What, all grandparents-aunt-uncles are blue-blooded? And nobody drank directly?

My position is this: you need to honestly talk about adoption, both the child and others. Why lie? Lying means that you are ashamed, that you are hiding something. And what is there to be ashamed of? In addition, the child already knows everything that he has experienced. Even if he does not realize, does not remember the details, in his soul he feels what happened to him. Yes, this is something intimate, and many lack courtesy. Kindergarten teachers and school teachers put tags on adopted children. Unfortunately, such a thing exists in our country.

But all these difficulties are such a small percentage compared to the joy that you get! Feeling that you are a mother, watching a child grow up, listening to his jokes, watching two sons quarrel and reconcile with each other - this is happiness.

In 2015, Olesya and her husband were among the active participants in the first festival of adoptive parents' families in Belarus. They are going to repeat this important experience this year.

"This is not a feat, but a simple human need - to give your love"

Natalia and Dmitry are more traditional in their views. The 50-year-old spouses respect the "secret of adoption", trying not to advertise to strangers that the girl who has appeared in the family is not their biological child. Onliner.by correspondents were sympathetic to the request of the heroes not to film their faces on camera.

- We do not keep a secret, it is impossible. Our Anechka was almost 6 years old when she was adopted, so not only relatives and close friends know, but also neighbors, colleagues, acquaintances. You can't hide that. We just don't advertise it. If we deem it necessary to tell someone from our new acquaintances, we will do it.

Six months later, we took Anyutka to a dance studio. Recently, a teacher told me: "Your child is the worst." What am I supposed to say: "Oh, this is an adopted child, he is not our bloodline"? And then they will pity and sympathize with us? I told the teacher: “Thank you. We will work and try. " Although one of the acquaintances of the adoptive parents said about this: “Let them know. If something goes wrong, we have nothing to do with it, we are not to blame. This is genes". By adopting a girl, we consciously took responsibility for her and for her genes too,- says Natalya.

At the festival of adoptive parents in 2016

- We have been married for 26 years. It didn't work out for us with children. And I always really wanted a child, for some reason a girl. It was my dream. It did not work for so many years, and finally "The Snow Maiden was scolded",- Dmitry laughs. - I am very satisfied. Sometimes I even feel that I am overly pampering my daughter, but I can’t help myself.

- For a long time, we did not have any thoughts about adoption, moreover, to my mother, who asked us to take the child from orphanage, I said that this will never happen. For the first time my husband and I started talking about adoption after our acquaintances, people of our age, adopted a child in Grodno. This was the impetus. In the end, we came to an unshakable decision: yes, we want to adopt a child. And I must say that the biological parents of our girl are also age,- adds Natalia.

- The first time we met with Anya in an orphanage. She ran out into the street and immediately followed us. And at parting she asked me: "Are you still coming?" I stood and did not know what to answer ... We left for a week, and as soon as we returned to Minsk, we immediately went to Orphanage to issue patronage. Anya saw us, ran to meet us, spreading her arms. On the first day we went to buy her new dresses, and she, standing in line, asked me: "Mommy, where is our daddy?" So, we were not “aunt” and “uncle”, but immediately became “mom” and “dad”. She probably realized that we do not have too much time, we are ready to be parents for a long time. On that day, my daughter could not fall asleep until late at night, the baby was tormented by the same question that you are now asking me: why did we choose her? I explained to Anya: “We want to be your new parents, take care of you, so that you live in a family and you have a mom and dad. We have been looking for our daughter for a very long time and are glad that you were found. " We took the documents to court for adoption in a week,- Natalya recalls.

Anya is surprisingly similar to Dmitry, as if own daughter... They even have the same blood type. “Don't tell anyone that it's not yours. There is one face in the photo! "- the judge noted when the adoption issue was being decided. It is not surprising that the girl chose her dad as her favorite. He is the “chief of toys”, carries his daughter in his arms, and his mother is responsible for more “boring” but useful things: reading, sounding, calligraphy. No evening is complete without shared fairy tale at night.

- A huge world outside the orphanage opened before Anechka. She did not understand what kind of free city it was, where dogs were running and cars were driving. The baby was afraid of the noise of the vacuum cleaner, and the coffee machine, and the water running from the tap ... Five-year-old Anechka stumbled, looked around with her mouth open, and I held her hand tightly, even thought that my daughter was disturbed coordination of movements, - Natalia describes the first months.

- It is natural for Anyuta to talk about the fact that she had another mother before, to remember the orphanage. And we, frankly, did not immediately know how to react to this. But now we are already freely discussing the topic of adoption with our daughter. My wife and I agreed that we would never speak badly about Anyuta's biological family. But I am against the school knowing her story: I don't want my daughter to be teased,- says Dmitry.

“And I don’t want anyone to tactlessly hurt a child’s soul in a conversation. I think it will be right to wait until Anya decides what to say and to whom. It is her right to tell that she is adopted, or to remain silent. We will not decide for the daughter. I emphasize: the choice is hers. And we will try to protect Anyutka from unnecessary attention to how she appeared in our family,- Natalia explains. - At the same time, openness is important to me - in the sense in which I understand it. For example, I advocate that families who are just thinking about adoption could come to the festival of adoptive parents. For example, a friend of mine, who had already done eight IVFs and was desperate to get pregnant, discussed the possibility of adoption with her husband. If such a family comes to the festival, this is openness. But propaganda and agitation are superfluous in this matter. How can I persuade people? “Well, adopt a child! Have pity on the orphan! " No. An inner, spiritual need must arise here. We have not had such a need for 25 years.

I believe that everyone should come to the adoption themselves. This is indeed a very responsible and serious step - not to buy a toy. For some reason, many people think that adopted children should be grateful and keep pace. This is not true. Children don't owe anything. Three weeks later, our daughter began to "probe" us and determine the boundaries of what was permitted. There were screams, crying, stamping feet, and clenched fists. Here life experience came in very handy.

- Sometimes at an appointment in a polyclinic, a doctor, for example, says: "God, how nice that there are still such selfless families in our country!" It's strange for me to hear this, because we need adoption first of all ourselves. This is not a feat, but a simple one human need- take care of someone, give your love. We did not take a child into the family in order to help the state or remove the social burden from the government. Not! This is a purely personal need. Our house was filled with children's laughter, Anyutka has changed a lot in eight months, we can talk about her for hours. This is joy- Natalia sums up.

"I was angry and jealous of families with children."

Olga and Alexander became parents 3 years ago. Just at some point they decided that they were tired of being together: 11 years together - I wanted to share my life with someone. So the one and a half year old Nikita appeared in the family. The decision to adopt was not an easy one, but it appears to be fair to herself and to the boy.

- Why did we adopt a child? Everything is simple. Banal physics. We did not have the opportunity to become parents ourselves, so we made this decision. Three s more than a year ago, a friend signed us up for preparatory courses at the National Adoption Center. Having heard and seen everything with our own eyes, we finally decided that New Year- 2014 we want to meet three of us,- Alexander recalls.

- We always wanted children. It seemed completely natural to feel the parenting experience,- Olga joins the conversation.

“It was as important to me as it was to my wife. I admit, I was even angry and jealous of those couples who have children. I didn't have a child ... We brought Nikita home on January 4. We wanted to have time to formalize the adoption and celebrate the New Year together, because we became attached to the boy during our meetings at the Children's Home, we saw how bad he was there. But with our officials it turned out as always. I had to swear and solve problems. For example, an inspector in the education department has lost our documents several times, and there is an impressive list of papers. I also had to come to the Children's Home more than once to finally resolve the situation with the "giving side", it was a serious hassle. It took a long time to explain in court why we need adoption at all. Like, you live well - why do you need a "dysfunctional" child? Why did they decide to adopt so quickly, why did they not go to Nikita for several months? I had to literally "educate" a judge on how the psyche of a child works without an adult and why every meeting for a child is another trauma of attachment and loss of trust in people.

Only the National Adoption Center is a pleasant exception in this matter. There we received support and help in the form of advice. On the whole, it feels like no one in our country is interested in adoption.

Soon there will be a festival of families of adoptive parents "Native people". And we are very concerned about him, because the main goal of the festival is to improve the image of adoption. Illustrative example- the same States where to take a child from an orphanage is good tone... And with us - it is not clear what. The act is "kind of good", but they look at you askance. There is a disregard for orphanhood and adoption,- states Alexander.

Despite the formal difficulties, Olga and Alexander managed to achieve their goal. In December 2013, the court officially recognized them as Nikita's parents.

- And it started! For the first month and a half, I hardly showed up at work at all. Since I run a small business, I could afford it. It was months on adrenaline. Now, after the fact, I understand everything well. My wife and I saw no problem. We were knee-deep in the sea. For example, just now, looking at the photo, we see how dystrophically thin Nikita was after the Orphanage. We didn’t notice it then. And many similar moments, health problems seemed to us something insignificant,- Alexander recalls.

- From somewhere they took all their strength!- Olga laughs. - It was a time of contrasts: incredibly hard during the day, and at night, when the baby fell asleep, it felt great happiness... It was very lucky that our son immediately accepted and trusted us. Nikita is an open boy. I guess that this is largely the merit of the nanny in the Children's Home, who often took him in her arms. Nikita was her favorite and thanks to this he did not lose confidence in people. He accepted me and my husband very well, literally right away, although at the Children's Home it was called a clear violation of affection. But we literally fell in love with the baby, and all the disadvantages that the staff of the institution spoke about seemed to us to be advantages. The adoption decision was firm.

In the first months, Nikita did not let me go at all, he hung in his arms. Usually at a year and a half, boys are already walking, exploring the world, and our baby wanted to be in my arms or Sasha's all the time. New environment caused him fear and anxiety. Putting to bed every time was a real feat for us: the baby could not lie next to us and be alone in his crib. We think he was seized by the fear that "I will fall asleep, and my mother will disappear at this time." They rocked them for two hours in their arms until they fell asleep, put them in a crib and ran out of the room. Neither the stroller helped, nor anything else. Being out of our hands caused fear and panic. We even wondered: is there such a phenomenon - excessive attachment?

- Nikita may be small, but he is a man. He understands everything, feels, remembers. Surprisingly, at the age of 5, he already clearly knows that he has been adopted. Although he cannot explain everything to himself. Of course, inside him there is so much pain and resentment towards the world that the baby begins to get angry, to show aggression. After all, he does not know where this pain comes from, why he feels so bad at heart. This common story with adopted children. Therefore, yes, Nikita is a "difficult" child. "Inconvenient". Sensitive. Demanding. He remembers everything very well. Himself asks difficult questions to be answered. And in this case there is nothing better than the truth... We decided not to invent any stories, but to honestly talk to Nikita about adoption,- Alexander explains his open position.

The human psyche is arranged in such a way that, unfortunately, the trauma of abandonment will remain with the child from the orphanage for life. Even now, one of Nikita's favorite games is taking care of toy babies. He can bring the baby and say: “Mom, look, he's lying alone. Have pity on him, please! " It's a way to relive your grief over and over again, trying to change the script.

- I explained to Nikita everything that happened to him through a fairy tale. She told me how one kid lived in the world, grew up in a house with other children, he was raised by his aunts, and then my husband and I came and took him to our place. And we will never leave the baby again. “You can beat, shout, get angry, but we will not leave you,” - that's what I said to my son. Then Nikita fell in love with listening to the tale about the lost bear, which I also invented especially for him. So he grew up with the knowledge that he appeared in our family not from the very birth. Now, at the age of 5, he is just beginning to understand that babies are born from mom's tummy... In his version of the world, until recently, children emerged from an orphanage,- explains Olga.

There were practically no problems with the reaction of the environment to adoption. Alexander and Olga honestly told their relatives about their joys and difficulties - where without them. As a result, one couple of friends also decided to take such a step - to take a child from an orphanage.

- Look how wonderful Nikita is! Absolutely ours, dear! I can't imagine another child right now. It is worth all the difficulties - to see, to be involved in how it blooms small man, - Olga is convinced.

- At the same time, the story of our son and his inner experiences that affect the whole family. I don’t want to tell you, they say, adoption is sheer bliss. No. For example, when I see Nikita's depressed mood, I start thinking. How to behave? How to educate correctly? What will happen next? It's complicated,- Alexander admits. - We were lucky: we are surrounded by competent people - starting from the director of the National Center for Adoption Natalia Pospelova (at first we called her every day with questions, putting Nikita to bed), family psychologist Olga Golovneva and ending with the chief pediatric neurologist of the Ministry of Health Leonid Shalkevich.

However, in general, our society does not understand adoption. If you came to the family differently from the rest of the children, then the school will be labeled as a "orphanage" with whom you will have to live to the end. But I'm not afraid for my Nikita: he will fight back. And if necessary, I will come myself and stand up for my son! But all the same, this is a negative that one has to deal with. I know of several stories where pro-publicity adoptive parents changed their stance due to the brutality of the school.

- Adoption is natural way... Why surrogacy is considered something normal, but a child from an orphanage is not? By participating in

I recently heard about such a monologue, full of despair, from my client: an outwardly sweet, very intelligent woman, a teacher with thirty years of experience. She came to me for legal assistance asking how to refuse adoption. So listen:

“Both my husband and I work as teachers. We didn't have children of our own. And someone advised us to adopt a child. And we decided to find a child in an orphanage and become foster parents.

Then, 18 years ago, when I entered the children's group at the boarding school, I saw Sasha (I changed the girl's name for obvious reasons). My soul just reached out to this three-year-old baby, and I completely forgot that I was recommended to see someone else. Sasha also felt something with her childish heart. On the very first day of our acquaintance with her, she told all the children in the group that her mother had come to her and soon she would take her completely to her place.

Her first word that I heard from her was "tipochka" which meant "birdie." She said it when we walked with her in the park on weekends, when I picked her up from the orphanage. I often thought of her before my husband and I adopted her.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan - how to find a child in an orphanage

Now she is completely independent, working on assignment in another city, not far from us. However, she has some kind of childish perception of life. Although we bought an apartment for her, she is still drawn to our home. And of course, as parents, we would be happy to live together, if upon our return a lot of insoluble contradictions did not arise.

Sasha and I developed a complete lack of understanding. She does not like to listen to our advice with her father, and does not accept control at all. Her periodic leaving home has already become habitual reaction to our comments with my husband. She overcomes any inhibitions so unexpectedly, atypically that everyone is amazed at her resourcefulness. It seems that its independence is an overvalue and an end in itself. In the courtyard, she is a tomboy-cheerleader. Even the boys obey her.

Yes, even a few days ago, from a neighbor woman who “knows everything about everyone,” Sasha learned about her orphanage past. And she immediately told me about it. I, of course, was not ready for this conversation. And she just tried to laugh it off, they say, how much does she know. However, in response, she sharply felt distrust and alienation.

For several days I did not dare to reveal our secret to my daughter. I remembered all my life before and after Sasha. Yes, time flies by ...

And so, I go into her room. Sitting on the couch, the daughter is listening to music. I could not help admiring her. Thick Brown hair waves fall on the shoulders. Green shining eyes, a smile that never leaves her face. Not a drop of makeup. Her natural beauty does not need any makeup. She, as always, is wearing her favorite jeans and a T-shirt. She does not accept skirts and dresses.

Sasha, let's talk.
- Mom, are you going to read morality again?
She waves it off and plays the music even louder. The conversation did not take place.

adopt a child

With 30 years of teaching experience, the woman did not know what to do with her own adopted child.

Based on knowledge of System-Vector Psychology, it was clear to me what was happening within this family.

The girl, according to the mother's description, possesses a urethral vector. Such children are naturally born with heightened feeling justice, completely devoid of selfishness, ambition, have extraordinary thinking, early become independent.

However, they do not accept tight control and pressure, they basically have no sense of any restrictions. Indeed, such children can run away from home, and, asserting themselves outside the home, create gangs in the yard, where they become “little leaders” among their peers.

Often, led by such a leader, adolescents are prone to committing group hooliganism. By the way, my visitor also shared her experience of being invited to the police, where her daughter was detained with her friends.

What about adoptive parents?

Mother - skin-visual, sophisticated woman... Her husband is an anal-visual, calm, intelligent person. Faced with disobedience and disrespect from their daughter, due to the properties of their character, they could not understand the motives of their daughter's behavior, so they were simply shocked by those whom they raised. Indeed, in their view, a girl should not behave like that.

The issue of unsuccessful adoption in this family was "superimposed" on the problem of the wrong approach to raising a daughter, which further exacerbated the problem. When I told the woman that the method of adoption she had chosen was fundamentally wrong, she completely agreed with me.

The approach to adoption should not be based on the principle of choosing a child by external parameters, that is, did I like this child, but did not like him.

How to properly adopt a child?

It should be noted that we are not talking about children of loved ones or distant relatives, left without parental care, who must stay with their relatives, if conditions permit. My advice will be on how to adopt a completely strange child.

Only the right approach for adoption in in this case- is to become a foster parent of a physically ill child left without parental care.

In this case, you will understand that this child will not be able to give you anything in return. He will only need you all the time. And then the decision about adoption will not be made on the basis of selfish considerations.

To do this, you really need to have a lot of love, dedication, courage. But only under such conditions, you, doing good selflessly, not for the sake of receiving gratitude or some kind of benefit in return, change into better side, reducing the number of unfortunate disadvantaged children, and, accordingly, reducing the volume of emptiness and suffering in society.

how to adopt a child

One of my first lawyer cases was a confirmation of this. As a result of years of feud grown daughter with his adoptive parents, the adoptive father, who was more than seventy years old, seriously wounded his daughter and killed her husband.

More than 15 years have passed, but I still have a picture in my head of how in the interrogation room remand prison we sit with the old man after the verdict. And with tears in his eyes he recalls the day when he and his wife were brought a strange baby girl lying in a basket. He would like to turn back time, but alas ...

Where does the child's hatred of foster parents come from?

The adopted child's hatred of his adoptive parents arises from the feeling of shame that arose from the fact that they witnessed his trouble even before the adoption. Foster parents, by the fact of their existence, generate in him this shame, which he would like not to remember, because of which that inferiority of the little man remains in him forever.

That is why an adult child, no longer in need of care, realizing with all his mind that he should be grateful to his foster parents for everything, as a result, feels hatred for those who revive in him shame for his flawed past.

Therefore, foster parents should not reproach themselves for being too loyal to the child, just as one should not blame the child for “black ingratitude”.

And, if you do not want to experience a sudden feeling of hatred from an adopted child, do not want to acquire an internal enemy in the family, adopt or adopt someone else's child with the intention not “for your own sake” that someone would give you a mug of water in old age, but “for the sake of the child himself. "

Returning to the conversation with my client, I invited her to the training on System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan. I hope that she and her husband will reconsider their attitude towards Sasha, and come to a reasonable compromise.

The article was written based on the materials of the training on System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan

Interview: Nadya Makoeva
Illustrations: Dasha Chertanova

Four and a half years ago came into force "law of Dima Yakovlev", also known as the "law of scoundrels": 420 deputies voted to prohibit American citizens from adopting Russian children. Six months after that, Russia imposed a ban on adoption for several more Western countries, including Spain. By that time, in Catalonia alone, 223 families were expecting their Russian children, and 48 of them already knew their adopted child.

Mary and David were lucky: they managed to jump on the last car of the departing train before all adoptions to Spain were frozen. Now they live with their son Max in beautiful house near Barcelona. Max, who is almost six years old, has many friends, he studies at an international school, speaks three languages, and is engaged in swimming. Max's mom, Maria, told us about the most exciting journey of her life.

welcome

I am 44 years old, my husband David is 49, we have been together for seventeen years, eight of them are married. We met when we worked in the same company in the banking sector, only in different cities: I'm in Valencia, he's in Madrid. Then we were both transferred to Barcelona, ​​where we continued to communicate - and are still together.

Adoption has always been one of the options for us, along with regular biological parenting. Many of our friends and relatives became foster parents, so this path was completely natural for us. In the end, we did not manage to have a child biologically, and we finally made the decision to adopt. It is not easy and is associated with a sense of loss, even if you have always perceived adoption as the norm. It takes time for humans to come to terms with the injustice of nature and move to the next level. It is very important to experience this in yourself and to mourn, to find peace of mind... Adoption is a very delicate and difficult business. Everything in the parent's head must be in proper order, otherwise you can easily lose yourself.

We decided to adopt a child from another country due to the timing. Adoption within Spain requires a long wait, eight to nine years, and when applying to official bodies, they almost directly recommend intercountry adoption - at least that was the case in the past. In recent years, intercountry adoption in Spain has become less popular due to financial crisis and due to the closure of this opportunity in many countries, including China and Russia.

It all started for us in December 2011 with an official request in (The word Acolliment in the name of the organization means not so much care as a joyful meeting, and can be translated as “welcome”. - Ed.)... A few weeks after that, the process of obtaining the status began foster parent: we had to receive a certificate of "professional suitability" in this capacity, which is a prerequisite for adoption. The process takes about six months and includes a series of trainings, several face-to-face interviews with psychologists and educators, and a home visit by a social worker. Plus we were given a list of books to read. Becoming parents, people must be ready to deal with a variety of issues - related to ethnicity, gender, various diseases - and you need to know what to do with all this.

One of the conditions for adoption: you cannot choose anything - only the country from which you want to adopt a child. In our case, it was Russia - simply because we already knew something about adoption from there, we had familiar families with children from Russia.

In addition, mathematically, there was a better chance that there would be a child for us in such a huge country - simply because of the size of the population. By that time, China was already closed to foreign adoption, and other smaller countries offered twenty to thirty children a year, so waiting lists were prohibitively long.

We had doubts, of course. We understood that everything would be very difficult from a bureaucratic point of view. Russia has very strict rules, it is necessary to prepare a lot more documents than in other countries. In addition, there is no escape from formalism: each requested document must be provided in triplicate, apostilled and certified by a notary. For example, a certificate of income from the company I work for, first had to be signed in the HR department, then certified by a notary, and then apostilled - not to mention official translations into Russian.

But perhaps the most serious concern was the topic of fetal alcohol syndrome- a condition that occurs in children whose mothers drank alcohol during pregnancy. Until now, a safe dose of alcohol for pregnant women has not been established, and the consequences may appear at any time. This was a serious problem - not because of the stereotype about "drinking Russians", but because of the official data: a large number children adopted to Catalonia from Russia and Ukraine are diagnosed with this syndrome. Last year, for this reason, the Ministry of Labor and Social Protection announced that the Catalan government was considering a ban on adoptions from Eastern European countries.

In September 2012, we received a certificate of "suitability" to become parents. Now it was necessary to choose an organization for international adoption, recognized in both countries, Russia and Spain. We visited several agencies, but ended up choosing ASEFA with a specialization in Russia - again following the experience of familiar families. Later, this agency closed its office in Barcelona, ​​the demand for its services dropped dramatically. We signed a mediation agreement, which included all the costs associated with the adoption, and confirmation that we agree to the terms Russian legislation... At that moment, our "bureaucratic pregnancy" began.

Bureaucratic pregnancy

The adoption process itself consisted of three stages... The first is distribution. When the documents arrive in Russia, they are sent to a certain region, and the administration of this region determines the child for you. This moment I will never forget: I was at work when suddenly a letter came with the subject "Distribution: photo". I opened the attachment - and there he was, our future son... I was simply dumbfounded, from an excess of emotions I did not know whether to scream or cry. This was in February 2013, and in April of the same year we went to Russia for the first time.

We spent four days at a frantic pace. Directly from the airport, you go to get acquainted with your child, and you also meet with the director of the orphanage, who for an hour talks about his medical and family history... Then you return to the hotel - and you have less than a day to decide if you are taking this child. If the decision is positive, the next day you go to the notary to formalize the distribution. Then you are given two more hours to communicate with the child. On the third day, you go through medical examinations all morning, and on the fourth you are already leaving. All these days you really can neither eat nor sleep and endlessly replay everything you saw, heard and experienced in your head.

The baby's home was located two hours by car from the airport, in the very center of a small town. As we moved away from the city, the landscape became more and more gray and impoverished. The babies were waiting for us in the house, they took us straight to music class where everything was decorated with balloons and beautifully decorated for special events. We saw nothing else - no other children, no rooms, nothing. We only saw what we were allowed to see. The nanny brought Max into the room, he was then about a year and a half. He was dressed in a red jumpsuit, his hair in swirls - somewhere shorter, somewhere more authentic. His face was not very friendly. They put Max in my arms - he did not immediately react to me, but then he sat quietly and looked at me attentively.

They did not interact with David at the first moment: we were told that the boy was not used to men, he did not see them at all, except in the clinic. In fact, all David needed to instantly win the boy's trust was to give him a balloon.

Max looked quite well-groomed and well-fed. The premises were old, but renovated and clean. We met with the educator, director and social worker... We were constantly accompanied by a translator and a representative of the ASEFA agency. Everything was thought out and well organized, the atmosphere was also quite emotional, although there was some tension. We have been asked in advance to be discreet and careful with our comments. In general, we didn’t understand very well what was happening, we couldn’t figure it out to the end: whether it’s such a Russian character, or how all official organizations are arranged here. What struck us was an almost ingratiating expression with which our representatives communicated with almost everyone we visited. And always with some kind of gifts: chocolates, delicacies.

The next day, we were very happy to confirm that we were taking the proposed boy. The first trip was crowned with success: we met my son. The return was difficult. For two short meetings we managed to talk to Max - we hugged him, made him laugh, played and fiddled with him. And now we didn't know when we would see him again. We only had to wait for the appointment of a date for the trial.

The delivery of a court decision is the second stage, and while awaiting the trial, a large package of documents had to be prepared again. It was not easy to wait, because we have already met our child. We were lucky again, the date for the hearing was set very soon - at the end of June 2013. The trip to the hearing takes only three days, and only one visit to the baby's home is planned, and in the remaining time there is intensive preparation: how to speak to the court, when to enter, who speaks when, and the like. The meeting lasted four hours, during which David and I were interrogated in a tense manner about absolutely everything. True, they say, usually the procedure lasts even longer.

The great thing is that the judge made a decision on the same day, and it was positive! Now it was necessary to wait another month until judgment will be signed to come back and pick up the son. The transfer of the child to adoptive parents is the last, third stage of adoption. This is the most long trip of all, about twelve days - in Russia it was necessary to prepare all the necessary documents for departure, including a passport. It is imperative to leave the country through Moscow.

We flew in and the next day went to pick up our boy. It was a very special moment. I remember that in just twenty minutes Max changed beyond recognition. He was so calm in the baby's house, and as soon as we left there, he did not sit in one place for more than a minute - and even now he remains so active. During that trip, his father and I lost seven kilograms without any diet.

From helplessness to attachment

These were very busy and stressful days. We were alone with the child in the apartment, with mobile phone that the agency left us in case emergency situations... We had to buy food, medicine on our own and walk with the baby, who understood the speech of any passer-by on the street better than ours. People looked askance at us, and we felt extremely helpless. We cruised between playgrounds all day. The apartment we rented had only a bed, a sofa and two armchairs - so we had nothing to do but take walks.

When all the documents were ready, we were able to go home. The airport was not without thrill: I had to go through an endless number of inspectors who put everything and stamped on our papers. At that moment we were even afraid to breathe. They looked at us with such contempt that we almost felt like criminals.

But all the expectations and ordeals were worth it. We have a wonderful, kind and worthy son, real hero for me and David. He loves life in all its manifestations and teaches us this every day. We are often told how lucky he is to be with us, and I always answer: we are the lucky ones to become his parents.

When we got home, it took a while for everything to fall into place. The most important and difficult thing was to form an attachment so that the child would recognize us as parents. At first, Max received all adults equally friendly. If someone on the playground smiled at him or played with him, he calmly walked with these people. We had to wait six months or more to see the first signs of affection for us. It took a lot of patience.

Then we started looking for a school - we wanted to find a small one with a small number of students in classes.

We saw from the very beginning that Max reveals himself better in a familiar, family setting, rather than in a large class. At the age of three, Max, like all the children here, entered the younger group - and soon adapted, found many friends. Max loves the pool, he is a great swimmer - it seems he could live in the water!

Four years ago, we went to Russia together, and returned as three. We were very lucky, because that summer Russia suspended the possibility of adoption by foreigners from many countries, including Spain. It was a great shock for everyone. In our case, the court decision was made just a few weeks before the end of the adoption - but we were very worried about the families who were not so lucky. Families who have already managed to get to know their children and whose affairs were frozen until the time when the International Adoption Treaty with Spain was renewed. They had to wait for the reunion whole year after U.S.

Max knows from the start that his mom didn't carry it in her belly. We do not hide anything from him and honestly answer all questions. It is important to talk openly and naturally about adoption - of course, given the age and degree of preparedness. All foster children were abandoned at first, and we cannot change that. The role of foster parents is to share this loss with the children throughout their life. later life and prepare them, give them the tools to deal with this pain, heal this wound. Cry and laugh with them. It is our human duty to ensure that these children have a second chance. It is everyone's duty. After all, these are our children.

What could be more important in a person's life if not family. A complete family consisting of dad, mom and children. In a house where children's voices are heard, happiness is born. I want to tell the story of how I made the main decision in my life.

Doubts and fears: why my husband and I did not dare to adopt a child for a long time

The decision to adopt a child was one of the most important for my husband and me in our life. It so happened that we cannot have our own children. Seven years we tried to live for ourselves, to build a relationship for two. Twice he left me, but came back. Apparently, fate was pleased to keep us together.

Of course, we thought about adoption. Although, I confess, I thought about it with horror. I had no idea how I could love someone else's child. There is also this burden of responsibility and fear. Today we are raising two adopted children. You will say: how is that? Were you afraid to take one, but in the end - two? Yes, oddly enough. Everything went difficult with the eldest son. But after three years the girl was taken with ease and joy. A newborn, as if she had given birth to herself. But that was later.

The psychologist helped to decide. He asked me to list what we are afraid of, what fears are pursuing us.

• How can we fall in love with someone else's child?
• How will others react to this?
• What is heredity?

I AM for a long time believed that love for a child in a mother originates somewhere at the genetic level, that a mother cannot but love her child. However, life convinced me. How many women are around who abandon their own children and how many of those who devote their lives seem to be absolutely strangers. It turned out that love arises over time. Caring, daily contact with the baby, worries about him - this is love.

As far as gossip is concerned, the fears were unfounded. Today my children know that they are adopted, and they know this from us, their parents. Therefore, we are not afraid of any gossip.

The third reason for our fears was more difficult. I confess that we were very afraid that our child might have bad heredity... After all, children from dysfunctional families... But, on the other hand, we have acquaintances, quite prosperous people who have children with various syndromes. What's this? Ecology, an accident? Do not know. I prayed to get caught healthy children.

How it began: our first steps towards adopting a baby

Psychologist's consultations helped us. It was after talking with a specialist that we accepted final decision take the child up.

We decided this: since the Almighty did not give us the opportunity to give birth to our children, then this is our destiny. And in order to not live our lives in vain, to leave behind something good, to do something useful, we decided on this difficult task.

Step 1 - a trip to the guardianship authorities.

Having learned about our desire to adopt a child, they offered several options to choose from: adoption, custody, foster family, patronage.

Adoption is this form family education, with which adopted child and his adoptive parents become relatives, that is, the same relationship is established between them as between parents and children.

In the case of establishing guardianship (for children under 14 years old) and guardianship (after 14 years old), the guardian assumes obligations for the upbringing, maintenance and education of the child, and also protects his interests.

A variant of foster education is possible. In this case adoptive parents conclude an agreement with the guardianship authorities, according to which the adopted child instead of the orphanage lives in a new family.

Patronage means conclusion of a tripartite agreement between the guardianship authorities, a potential foster caregiver and an orphanage. From foster care to adoption, the rights and responsibilities of people who take a child into foster care are increasing.

We decided to adopt right away. Although it was possible to go from an easier one, for example, to take custody.

Step 2 - collecting documents.

I wrote an application to receive a conclusion that our family can become an adoptive parent.

I needed the following for the statement:

• autobiography;
• the passport;
• certificate of salary from the place of work;
• house documents (ownership of housing);
• certificate of no criminal record;
• help with medical institution(passing the medical examination);
• marriage registration certificate (copy);
• characteristics from the place of work, from the district police officer and neighbors;
• certificates from the housing office, which confirm the place of residence of the neighbors.

Step 3 - inspection of living conditions.

Social workers come in a few days at our address and check living conditions thus finding out whether we can provide the foster child with decent living conditions.

Step 4 - passing the school for adoptive parents.

5th step - medical examination.

Step 6 - getting an opinion.

Within 15-20 days from the date of writing the application are conditional e parents must receive a positive or negative opinion. In our case, the conclusion was positive.

Step 7 - finding a child.

There is one orphanage in our city. My husband and I have made visits several times. First they looked, then, when they found it, they looked closely. Although my Deniska immediately conquered us. When I saw him, my heart sank right away. Understood: he is ours. It seemed (and even now it seems) that he looked like my husband. We wanted the boy to get used to us, so they often came to visit and took him on vacation twice. I will not hide, I found out everything about him in advance: I spoke with experts, got acquainted with the documents.

Step 8 - judgment.

Since we decided to become adoptive parents, it was required judicial procedure. Only by a court decision did the boy become a legitimate son, received our surname and was recorded in our passports.

Paper bureaucracy: what did we go through to adopt a baby?

Above, I have outlined the main steps towards adoption. But to be honest, some of these steps just unsettled us, infuriated us. For example, adoptive parenting courses.

There they told what an orphanage is, and how children end up in it, how a foster child should be raised. By the way, there were also lawyers who provided free consultations.

On the one hand, everything seems to be correct, the necessary information is given out. But the organization of these courses is terrible. It does not take into account that we are all busy people that we have to take time off from work every time, since classes in weekdays, during business hours.

And another thing that strained my husband was the exam, which we had to pass at the end of school. He was, of course, very nervous. Judge for yourself: three times a week, in the middle of the working day, we had to "run" to these courses, and then there was also an exam, like schoolchildren. But nothing. We passed it with success, received certificates.

The next circle of hell is a physical.

This, my dears, is horror. Compared to the annual physicals we usually go through, this one was supernatural. I do not know how in big cities, where the practice of adoption is more widespread, but in our district polyclinic the whole brain was "taken out", driven out and all forces squeezed out. I have never gone through so many doctors and so many tests. Plus to everything: there is now one doctor, then another, there are no necessary forms, or doctors simply do not know on which forms what is filled out. Well, the timing. In theory, quickly, from 15 to 30 days. In fact, several months. The whole process took us almost 4 months.

Today I am sure that seven years ago my husband and I took one of the critical decisions in our life. And it turned out to be correct.

We are still full of strength and energy, we have an interesting and full of impressions ahead of us.

I wondered if this woman really thinks that you can choose a child from one b / w photo in the federal databank? In any case, the official did not have any formal reasons for refusal, and soon we received the required paper, where it was clearly written that we can visit the chosen child. The doors of the hospital have now opened quite officially for us.

The head of the department at the hospital was very happy that everything was fine with us and ran to get the documents. We have already been here several times completely unofficially, talked with the baby, talked about his health with the doctor. I can say that those children are happy who lie in places where doctors understand everything.

Without mom

Box for 5 beds. Each contains one abandoned child. Here is Vitya, he has a very unpleasant diagnosis, that's why they refused him for three years already. But since the development of the body is delayed from this disease, he is like a one and a half year old baby in growth and appearance. Tiny hands, like a newborn's, tiny nose. But his eyes are such that you won't look for a long time, he understands everything for sure, everything except one, the most important thing. When, in the presence of ordinary children, you start playing with someone else, the child, as a rule, begins to cry and ask to be played with him too. Vitya does not ask and does not cry, he laughs when other children laugh from the caress of adults - he feels good when the other is good. Weird.

Misha has bright blue veins on his face and neck. He holds his head with his hands all the time and spins on the crib. He has a very bad headache. Very strong and always. And the point is not that he has a congenital malformation of the central nervous system and not that he is likely to die soon; no. Unfortunately, there are many such children, but each of them has a mother who will hold her child by the hand until the last minute of his little life. Misha, you understand, has no one to hold the thin pen.

And Nadka is a small smiling miracle. She is absolutely healthy and only eight months old. She was found in a store in a cradle with everything she needed. The parents turned out to be not monsters, but ordinary scoundrels. Although no one bothered to write her name. And only when the police found my mother, it turned out that her name was not Nadia, but Lena. Another girl was in this room, but her mother took her. Only it is unclear - for how long. Mom is 19 years old, which is surprising - she did not have an abortion, did not refuse after giving birth, she also breastfeeds. Yes, that's bad luck, 19-year-old mother still wants to walk, she and her aunt and left the child at night. And without a mother, she - to scream. Well, there was a neighbor with a civil position, but the police don't care about the details - they took them to the hospital, and then parental rights still deprive.

For one beaten, two unbeaten give

When we decided to adopt a child, I could not get rid of the vain thought - if all the children cannot be saved, then at least there will be "minus one" (or "plus one", from which side to look). But my confidence was dispelled very quickly, literally when we first came to the hospital and, taking our child, went with him to the playroom. While we were establishing contact there, two more "new" babies were brought into the box. So what to do objectively good deed did not work: the rate of replenishment is such that new children come in as soon as space becomes available.

Fortunately, I can't say that the kids don't have anything, old toys, torn rompers and gauze instead of diapers. No, they have a great playground. large quantity good foreign toys, they have enough diapers and disposable sheets, they are fed quite tolerably well. All this is true not thanks to the relevant authorities, but in spite of them, since no one has the right to know that healthy children have been lying here in the infectious diseases hospital for years. Literally everything that is possible for children is done by people united by one website on the Internet, thanks to them there are volunteers in almost all children's hospitals in Moscow and the Moscow region who find money, medicines, diapers, toys. They visit children, make them independent examinations in order to remove the suspicion of the presence of AIDS or syphilis.

This is one of the paradoxes. On the one hand, orphanages are overcrowded, hospitals are already overcrowded, and people who have decided to adopt a child officially cannot see normal, new photographs of children. In the structure that is authorized to provide information about children - the Federal Databank - it is impossible to get comprehensive information about children and how they look. Of course, first you need to go through a long and, by the way, completely necessary procedure collecting documents and certificates, then register with the guardianship authority, and then, what is most surprising, you will be shown one black-and-white photograph 3-4 years ago, and from above all this will be "flooded" with information that this child has AIDS, or syphilis, or down syndrome. I do not like? Let's look for another, fill in the fields in the questionnaire about hair color, eyes, gender and height, habits, etc. And they will pick you up. Do you want to find yourself an only child? It is impossible, the law does not allow. That is, of course, you can come to the child's home. But apart from the children's homes, children in a large number lie in ordinary children's hospitals. And not because they are sick, but because there is not enough space in orphanages for a long time. And nothing can be said about them. They seem to be absent, or there, but they are sick with the same imaginary syphilis. Of course, there are places where directors do their best to take the children away - find in Yandex "orphanage # 7" or "Yaransky orphanage", but, unfortunately, there are very few such establishments.

The adoption procedure itself is not at all complicated, it takes two months at most, and there is a lot on the Internet necessary information... First, the documents are collected, then they are submitted to the court, the hearing of the case, and after 10 days your child is yours. Many frankly do not understand why adopt a child, if you can give birth to your own. It is pointless to prove something, it is not a certain obligatory social burden, to each his own. But you can talk about how a person is born, literally a person is born not through the womb, but through affection and love. Mark, like all the children lying there, looked like a block of wood. Such a wooden block with two handles. Could you lie more than a year in a crib, not knowing what it is to sit on the backs of your father or sleep next to your mother? But they can. They do not know what it is like to crawl around the apartment, leaving behind puddles, how it is to swim in the bathroom with chamomile, how it is to eat grandma's soup with a high meat content per cubic centimeter of a plate. The point is not even that he never had all this, but that he does not know, in principle, that this could be so. And this little block, who never smiles, because there is simply nothing, is afraid of literally everything, turns out to be in his arms for the first time. Where so much power comes from, you just wonder. He's got a stranglehold on you. In this regard, our son was especially lucky, although there are many such situations - two Americans and one of our girls wanted to adopt him before us. And in each of them - that's for sure - he grabbed a stranglehold, because, apparently, felt that if not now, then never. And now, he is at home, in his arms, from which he never wants to leave. And an amazing thing happens: after a while he begins to laugh just like that, not from the fact that you mutuz and toss him, but simply crawls and laughs in his entire small mouth. Then, gradually, he begins to respond normally to bathing, delicious food and an older brother.

Heredity

We, of course, do not know what will happen next, as in my youngest son his bad heredity will affect, but we very much hope in the mercy of God, in the fact that the Lord will somehow arrange everything well. It seems to me that this is just the case when you can and should rely entirely on the mercy of God, since it is clear that we ourselves are nothing but a massage, a swimming pool, and, most likely, we will not be able to give a child very successful attempts at upbringing. As, however, we do not know whether everything will be fine with our elder, what paths in life he will choose. So we have no fears about genes.

Instead of a conclusion

I began writing this text at the very beginning of the adoption process, and I am finishing writing to the friendly brotherly cry of my two children. During this time, I was asked a thousand times the question "why" - in medical institutions, where we took certificates, at the court, which decided, in fact, whether to allow us adoption, just friends and acquaintances, in whose eyes the first reaction was read quite clearly: "poor, they can probably no longer have children. " We answered this question in different ways, focusing on the situation and the interlocutor, but to be honest, I simply don’t know. That is, you can come up with several correct answers, but in fact, it is impossible to formulate a certain final, exact answer that would also respond inside. I don’t know, and I’ll hardly be able to explain it on a rational level. There is no difficulty with our own vanity, since this is just such a heroic act on the outside, but nothing special from the inside, we just have two children, two excellent peasants now meet me at home in the evenings.