Who is the leader in the family? Leadership in a modern family. — He resolves difficult situations rather than avoiding them

Family relationships - complex topic, and it is impossible to generally consider absolutely all cases. But, nevertheless, there are basic things without which it is impossible to build a successful marriage.

A happy family relationship is a marriage for life, mutual understanding, harmony and love. Almost all people on the planet think so. But, in reality, everything turns out the other way around. IN different cultures The approach to building family relationships is different. But the issue of leadership in the family worries many. Therefore, today we will look at this topic and figure out whether a leader is needed in the family.

Who is the leader?

Unfortunately, modern society does not quite understand leadership correctly. Therefore, to understand whether a leader is needed in family relationships, you should first understand what its role is.

Exists 2 types of leaders - authoritative and authoritarian. Naturally, the first type of leader is a person who always leads, is the first to indicate the direction and takes the blows. The second type is a commander who specifies, but does not participate and does not implement his own rules. An authoritarian leader keeps the family in fear and demands submission, often not explicitly, but this does not change the essence. But, true leader performs the following functions:

Accepts responsibility for all team members, including in this case, families.
- Shows the right direction by his own example.
-Take care of everyone.
-Protects.
-Makes important decisions.
- Resolves controversial situations.

So is a leader needed in a family?

Almost all groups of people have a formal or informal leader. Family is no exception. In Muslim culture, it is customary to consider the man to be the leader in the family. Modern Slavic culture was transformed under the influence of feminism, and Domostroevsky concepts were relegated to the background. Today there are families with a traditional way of life, where the man plays the role of head, but there are also those where the woman is the boss and the man is the subordinate. In addition, today there are partner families where there is no head, and relationships are built on equality and compromise. Problems arise when the role of leaders is played by the parents of the wife or husband.

But we can’t say that any of these options are bad. Every family has its own values ​​and way of life. However, practice shows that each case has its own advantages and disadvantages:

1. The absence of a leader leads to chaos. There is no understanding in the family of who should do what, and crisis situations it comes to the point that uncoordinated actions lead to negative consequences. If there is no leader in the family, everyone will alternately try on this role. Another problem arises when children are born into the family. U younger generation a clear family model cannot be formed, which may cause problems in the future.

2. Leader woman- also not better situation. A woman subconsciously expects a leadership position from a man, wants to trust him in everything and feel like she is behind a stone wall. But, if a woman takes on the role of leader, the man gradually gives her this right, which is why many ladies are unhappy in relationships.

3. Leader man – perfect option, which has been followed for many generations. But it is important to understand that leadership requires a certain level of maturity. When a man is ready to bear responsibility without becoming an authoritarian person, such a leader will lead the family to happiness and success.

A leader is definitely needed in a family. For harmony in a relationship, it is necessary to maintain a healthy balance, but its absence does not always mean that the family will fail. Practice shows that the union of two people whose consciousness is fully revealed can be built on equal rights and responsibilities. The family is a single mechanism, and therefore there is no formal leadership here and cannot be.

Sometimes in families there are cases when a woman strives to become the head of the family. And not because she is bad or even a bitch, but because you yourself developed your relationship this way. There are several stages of relationship development. At first falling in love makes you young man blindly fulfill any whims of your girlfriend.

Then children appear in the family - and the husband and wife are forced to adapt to their daily routine. In the end, who gives the “orders” again? - Young mom. She is always with the children, knows better what they need, and does not always have time to go to the store or vacuum the carpet herself.

But you can tell your husband: “I alone am not enough to do everything - help me,” and not command.

There is simply no time left to motivate requests - hence the emphasis on laconic style commands: do this, bring that! For some women, the habit of commanding remains forever. There was a case when the neighbor was a woman mature age I told my husband: “The carpet should be dry-cleaned, and you should be at the market!” Many women spin like squirrels in a wheel, without thinking that it is impossible to give such commands to a man.

Firstly, by switching to a command style of communication, you unwittingly begin to suppress your spouse, lower his self-esteem and over time, year after year, simply kill him masculinity, which is laid down for victories and achievements in life. Over time, many men resign themselves and fade into the background, into the shadow of their wife, which in turn leaves an imprint on your family in the future in the form of your wife’s words - you are a loser, a drunkard, etc. And what makes or who makes your husband become a drunkard and a loser??.

Secondly, Unless, of course, you want to lose him.

Because if your husband is not henpecked by nature, one day his patience will burst and you will be left alone. Women should seriously think about this issue. There have been many cases when a couple who have children, and everything seems to be fine with them, ends up scattering, as the wife always strives for leadership in the family.

It turns out that you need to think about how to choose the tone for each of your requests? It's hard to imagine this in real life.

Everything is good in moderation! Both the wife and the husband have the right to ask each other for something. But psychologically, a request is perceived differently than an order! Phrase: “Darling, I’m so tired, maybe you (take out the trash, beat out the carpet, cook dinner)?” - this is, in essence, the same formulation of the problem. But it carries a completely different emotional connotation, which means that the husband will react to such a request much more readily than to a command.

Self-love occupies one of the first places among male values. A wife is not a sergeant, not a prosecutor or a boss, she is the most close person, a reliable colleague and partner. And those women who understand this will more often hear from their husband: “Let me prepare dinner myself today, and you, dear, rest.” Therefore, you should not strive for leadership - let your husband feel that he a real man, master!

The decision to get married is quite a serious moment in the life of both men and women. Perspective family life paints bright prospects for the spouses. The newly-made wife sees herself as a legendary housewife, the most caring and tender mother and the unsurpassed lover of her husband. The young husband is also full of plans for a future together. Spacious house, car and other amenities of civilization. Discussing their future, a husband and wife in love make changes to their dreams that have not yet come true, complement them and, of course, believe in their fulfillment. It would seem that there is nothing that could turn the life of one of them into a slave for the second. Why does this happen?

Who is the head in this house

The place of leader in the family is occupied by the more decisive spouse. This happens simply because brave individuals always try to become the first, without fear of responsibility. Nothing new! But the second family member rarely calmly endures the prospect of further submission and tries throughout later life change your position.

Over the years, the more morally weak spouses get used to their unenviable position and become real slaves and slaves of their masters.

Otherwise constant struggle for the “throne” can lead to misunderstanding and constant scandals, with all the ensuing consequences...

The thorny path to the goal

What to do if you want to be in charge? It’s worth noting right away that after putting on a commander’s jacket, you will immediately have to show the toughness and strength of your character. Moreover, the demonstration performance should in no case be unfounded. It’s not enough to just make a choice to do this or that; you need to defend, prove and analyze the consequences of this or that decision.

For example, how to convince your other half of the need to buy this particular washing machine? Of course, you need to compare the selected model with similar machines in advance. And decide, first of all, for yourself, what exactly you want. Then write down and remember its advantages over others. Find information about the service life of similar models and customer reviews about them. With such arguments, you can easily lure the seller to your side. An experienced consultant will immediately realize that the “bird in the hand” speaks the absolute truth, and the opinion of a professional is always valuable.

This is how the tactics for defeating the home leader will be slowly but surely developed.

It’s worse if the leader-half’s decision sounds categorical. Here it is worth asking for clarification as to why it is this way and not otherwise. In no case should there be a sharp and negative reaction to refusal. The reason may be solely personal sympathy in choosing such a solution. Examples from the lives of people you know who have found themselves in the same situation can help here. So, based on the specifics of certain individuals, over time the decision can be rethought.

The second option is to experience a daily reminder of the possibility of making a different decision that will lead to better consequences. In any case, constantly listening about the problem, a person will think about several options and choose the most optimal one. It is important that it has already been calculated by you in advance.

The reason to be a leader may also be the opportunity to show off among your friends. So, for example, a husband can prove to his friends that he is not henpecked. And the wife must confirm that the marriage did not deprive her of freedom.

In such cases it will help collective work. Yes, yes, working together will help you understand that a husband or wife simply cannot cope without outside help. And the other side, accordingly, will be able to understand for itself that fulfilling requests and simply doing something together is not a manifestation of spinelessness and humility, but a very ordinary phenomenon.

The relationship between a man and a woman, in addition to giving pleasure to both, also has negative sides. When a man communicates closely with a woman, if the man does not have some goal in life, he will inevitably become overly attached to the woman, since it is always more pleasant to communicate with close friend rather than worrying about something. And overcome this craving for opposite sex some idea or some aspiration in life is quite difficult. We know many examples from history and life when very serious people striving for something great or sublime, they forgot about everything, bewitched by women's charms.

Also in a family, when a man is strongly attached to his wife and children, he, regardless of his will, mentally weakens. All his interests slide into family problems. But a man is valued above all for his ability to achieve something great. It is quite natural that women value men for money, for the way they are respected in society, etc. But a man is capable of achieving such success in life when he is not strongly attached to women or family comfort. But what attracts women most to a man is his ability to not be attracted by his beauty and charm. When a woman sees such a man, she feels that he is very a serious man and feels great respect for him and a desire to somehow be useful to him, to be under his protection. In the same way, a husband becomes for his wife naturally very dear if he fulfills all his duties and takes care of his family, but does not really expect any benefits, respect or affection from them. A man cannot develop such a state artificially. This state comes to a man automatically if he is seriously engaged in self-awareness and tries to comprehend his spiritual nature. If a man is intelligent, then he will be able to organize his life so that the practice of self-awareness does not interfere with the material side of life. But this also needs to be learned. With this lifestyle, a man becomes able to treat the opposite sex more soberly, but this does not mean that he becomes insensitive, cold, insane or impotent. He simply becomes able to properly control his feelings and impulses, which is where the true spiritual strength of a man is manifested.

The second big problem that causes difficulties in family life is mutual excessive affection spouses to each other. This is very subtle question, which is not always easy to understand. The question is what feminine nature is that if a man becomes very attached to his wife, if he tries very hard to please her, pays too much attention to her, tries to enjoy sex with her as much as possible, then the family life of such people becomes disgusting and unbearable.
The nature of a woman is such that she loves it when a man becomes attached not to her, but to some goal in life. He chooses a goal for himself, and a woman is proud of such a husband who lives selflessly serving some very high goal. And then the woman is ready to do anything for such a man. This is the nature of a woman, although not all women understand this.

If the husband is, as they say, under the thumb, if he is not trying to achieve something serious in life, then the wife does not respect him too much, and then problems begin, conflict appears in family relationships.

How can you be a loved and faithful husband? A man must be faithful to his duty, that is, he must be a responsible person.

According to the Vedas, both men and women have intelligence equally. A woman's intelligence is manifested in the ability to be obedient, and a man's intelligence lies in the ability to be responsible and achieve his goal. It is very important for men to understand this principle.

A woman who is able to agree, even if she is pursuing some goal, and this goal is directly opposite to what is required of her, achieves her goal without special labor. But that woman who is inclined to conflict and disagree, to be stubborn and capricious, does not achieve happiness in life, because she acts contrary to the nature of her mind. A reasonable woman quickly and easily persuades any person, acting humbly and agreeing with everything that is required of her. She tends to serve others and help everyone. In this case, the woman will undoubtedly achieve success in her life.

A man succeeds if he looks like a responsible person. He not only looks like it, but also acts like it in life. The word that he takes upon himself, he always fulfills. He tries to make sure that no one experiences any difficulties or problems in life. He strives for self-improvement, refuses bad habits, tries to occupy himself with some sublime activity. Thus, he begins to be highly respected. When a person follows such principles, his family is protected from all difficulties and problems in life. Let there be some difficulties associated with this in the sense that the struggle with oneself is always difficult, but a person must endure them.

While engaged in self-improvement, a person should not neglect his responsibilities towards his wife - such is his duty faithful husband. The Vedas say that a man should give instructions to his wife, and the wife should listen, and not vice versa. If it's the other way around, then they will big problems. But you need to know how to do this.

We need to understand how to do it correctly. For example, a man should look as if he is submissive to his wife, as if he obeys her in everything, but in fact, the husband should have the final say. Because if it is the other way around, then the natural relationship between a man and a woman will be destroyed. The woman will not be satisfied in the family and the man in the family will also be dissatisfied.

Some women think that they should occupy either an equal or higher position in relation to a man. This greatly ruins their life. Even if a woman is more intelligent than her husband, she must still occupy a subordinate position. In this case, she easily solves all issues. A man by nature is inclined to ensure that everyone listens to his opinion, takes him into account, he is inclined to lead, that is, to be a leader. It's just a manifestation masculine qualities character.

If a woman is also a leader by nature, then her leadership should be manifested in such a way that she gains very strong respect for herself by humbly serving her husband and listening to him in everything. If she has any desires to change something in her family life, then she can do it without difficulty, because her husband, trusting her completely, gives her complete freedom actions.

Thus, a woman’s leadership is possible only when a woman places herself correctly, in otherwise There will be a huge number of conflicts, scandals and various showdowns in the family. When communicating with a woman, with his wife, a man must be careful, because by nature, with the help of her beauty, a woman can often embarrass him, plunge him into some problems and ruin his mood. This is not due to the fact that a woman wants it, but to the fact that a woman has more psychic strength than a man.

A woman has the ability to influence her husband’s consciousness without even communicating with him. If she is simply offended by him, he will experience great difficulties, because by her nature a woman has more mental strength, she is more sensitive, she feels the situation better, and a man may not always even understand how to behave correctly with a woman. Therefore, before he says anything, he must think.

He must weigh his words and communicate, speak with a woman very carefully, because sometimes he can hurt her in the very heart without even noticing it. That is, a man has a rougher, less refined mentality. He is more inclined to achieve his goal, to move in global directions. But a woman by nature is very sensitive, and her life revolves within deep family issues. For her, these questions are very important.

Let's say if a man serious problems in the family, then he is still able to somehow go about his business in life. But if a woman has some difficulties in the family, then it is very difficult for her to engage in any activity in society, because she suffers very much from this emotional background, that is, she becomes depressed and so on. Once again, it should be noted that the husband is obliged to behave with dignity, because this is always pleasant for both his wife and children. But the husband should not be under the thumb, because, according to the Vedas, only a man can take responsibility for the family. A woman will not take responsibility for the family because she is not naturally inclined to do so. She is inclined to trust someone with responsibility for herself. If a man gets into a subordinate position and does not want to take responsibility, and a woman wants her husband to obey her, in this case, she will not be satisfied and will experience only suffering and unhappiness.

If a woman tends to behave in this way, she wants to lead and does not want to give leadership to her husband, then a man can behave as if he is under his thumb. But, having won the respect of his wife by indulging her weakness, he himself must be responsible for his entire life in the family. A woman is responsible for the internal sphere in the family - who wears what clothes, who communicates with whom; how things and objects are located at home; who will eat what when and so on. Also, a woman often manages the family budget associated with these things. A man takes responsibility for the family as a whole, for the family’s position in society, for relationships with people around him, for activities related to earning a living, for moral principles in the family, and so on.

Thus, a man must clearly know his responsibilities in the family, then there will be no difficulties. For example, a man thinks: “I will cook or do laundry, and let my wife earn money, and more than me. In this case, we will be happy, because I like to cook, she likes to earn money.” Maybe there will be some happiness, but the woman will still be dissatisfied, and this will lead to conflict.

A woman has such power - if she is dissatisfied, then everyone in the family will be unhappy, and if a woman is satisfied, then everyone will be happy. The man takes responsibility, and the woman feels that she is protected. She feels protected, so she feels satisfied, and when she feels satisfied, everyone in the family also experiences peace.

And now I would like to dwell on those issues that cause great difficulties. In particular, the question “if the wife earns more money than a man" or "if a man generally looks irresponsible, tends to drink, engage in debauchery, and so on." How, in this case, can a woman be entrusted with all the responsibility in the family?

In this case, the woman must understand in principle that she can change her husband, because there is such a rule: “If a woman behaves correctly with her husband, he gradually changes as a result of the fact that their connection on a subtle level is very strong. In the end After all, he depends on her very much, because they are relatives, they have a lot in common in life."

Her correct behavior is to recognize him as a leader. She behaves humbly - this is a sign of an intelligent woman. She assumes an internally obedient state and consults with him in everything. IN critical situations she decides to act in some way, then apologizes to him, says that she could not have acted differently, and so on.

She does not pay attention to his shortcomings; on the contrary, she pays attention to his advantages. If a man has at least one good quality, then the wife can bring up everything in him positive traits. She herself will present him as a leader, and he will feel strong in himself. When a man feels strong in himself, he has a desire to change himself for the better.

A man should treat a woman who is inclined to lead as if outwardly he submits, but internally he himself accepts responsibility for the family. In this case, a woman who is very strongly inclined to lead will, at critical moments, enter a state in which support is required. She will see strengths her husband, who, despite the fact that he behaves humbly, difficult situation will give it to her good advice and put the situation in the right direction.

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The distribution of roles and functions in the family is closely related to the concepts of leadership in the family. In this regard, it should be noted that “...now the head of the family is not the head “by law”, but the leader, that is, whose psychological impact confessed voluntarily." Therefore, we can assume that in an egalitarian marriage, both spouses can equally be leaders, while in a traditional marriage, the role of leader belongs to the man.

Dynamic approach to family problems classifies modern families into three types: symmetrical, complementary and meta-complementary.

A marriage can be called symmetrical, where both spouses have equal rights, none of them is subordinate to the other. In such a marriage, all problems are resolved consensually through exchange or finding a compromise. Complementary marriage implies autocracy, i.e. one gives orders, and the other waits for his instructions. In a meta-complementary marriage, one of the partners achieves his goal by manipulating the other, emphasizing his weaknesses, inexperience, and powerlessness.

N.F. Fedotova claims that in modern family the husband's recognition of his headship is based mainly on priority in material support family and success in production, i.e. in activities outside the family. From the point of view of women, to recognize the headship of a husband, his role as the main breadwinner is not enough. Attributing to the husband the role of the head of the family, women pay attention to his participation in organizing leisure time, in creating a favorable psychological climate, and to a lesser extent - in organizing everyday life and raising children. At the same time, what is important for wives is not so much the husband’s participation in these matters, but rather the fact that he participates in them more actively than husbands in other families.

The basis for recognizing the headship of a wife is the high appreciation of her multifaceted activities in the family, not only by herself, but also by her husband. At the same time, the strongest motive for recognizing the wife’s headship is her authority with children and the daily work associated with caring for children. Women care for and raise children regardless of their social status and education. Unlike mothers, fathers are more involved with their children the higher their educational level and social status.

With a high assessment of your family activities wives often recognize their husband's inability to organize family life. Therefore, studies of the modern Fedotova family have proven that in families with female leadership there is low marital satisfaction (especially among women). .

The situation of leadership in a modern egalitarian family was well presented by A. Dobrovich and O. Yasitskaya: in some matters the head is the husband, and in others the wife. IN the right moments they exchange leadership, and no friction arises in connection with this, i.e. the personal leadership of the spouse is built as free self-government, similar to the processes of leadership in informal small groups. Such families are characterized by approximately the same level of assessment of the personal characteristics of the husband and wife and high satisfaction with family life.