Domestic violence against women. Childhood abuse. What MPs say about decriminalizing domestic violence

Domestic violence - This is a phenomenon that is quite common in almost all corners of the globe. Family tyranny and despotism are observed everywhere, in various social strata and are not conditioned by belonging to a particular age group of family members, their financial well-being or religion. In addition, domestic violence is not determined by sex dependence of individuals prone to despotism and violence, and is equally common both in same-sex couples and in heterogeneous marriages.

- inability to take responsibility for their own actions on themselves;

- a high level of stress caused by economic instability or domestic troubles;

- an irresistible desire to harm a partner (sadism in a "light" form);

- the presence of psychopathic personality disorder, characterized by rejection of established social norms, impulsivity, increased, inability to form their attachments.

In addition, on the part of state bodies, assistance to victims of domestic violence is quite scanty, which also contributes to the emergence of domestic tyranny aimed at women or children.

Among the theories explaining domestic violence against children, there are two main ones.

The first theory includes the characteristics of the society in which violence is found:

- the specifics of the socio-economic organization;

- unemployment rate;

- poverty of the population;

- the presence of civil wars or local military actions;

- high crime rate;

- weakness of the state legislative base;

- lack of a unified and effective concept for the protection of children;

- attitudes of society in relation to tolerance of violence and the presence of convictions that punishment of a physical nature is an effective educational method.

According to many experts, a specific feature of the Slavic mentality is a tolerant attitude towards cruel treatment and manifestations of domestic violence.

K. Abulkhanova, noted that the actual Christian acceptance of torment and suffering is fundamental in the character of the Slavic people. In today's society, sacrifice is recognized as one of the dominant social attitudes. In addition, coercion is often perceived as a sign of attention. As a result, there is resistance to awareness of the problem of violent actions against children at the level of attitudes, both broad social and narrow common among specialists. The community as a whole, as well as most social professionals, do not consider child abuse and violence to be a serious problem requiring urgent action. As such, no decisive attempt is made to overcome this behavior.

Domestic violence provokes children into suicidal attempts, often successful ones, alcohol abuse, communication with youth groups, vagrancy, etc.

A developed and unified system of protection of the child population from cruelty helps to neutralize many of the above negative effects. And, conversely, the weakness of this system, the inadequacy of some of its elements, the indifference of society can not only act as a specific cause of cruelty towards children, but also further lead to the degeneration of the nation as a whole. In addition, the indifference of society to the existing problem provokes the emergence of a cult of violence among the child population. Today, abuse is the dominant trend in relationships between children and in the interaction of children with adults.

The second theory is related to the specifics of the family and the characteristics of family relationships in which the child grows up.

The modern family today has lost the original functions of love, support and care. Relationships in most families in today's society have been reduced to an economic modality. The distortion of family relationships was caused by a rapidly spreading phenomenon called "social orphanhood", in other words, the absence of help and care from children with living mothers and fathers.

“Little” victims of domestic violence are not able to master the norms of socially positive relationships in communicative interaction with individuals. In the future, they are not able to properly adapt to life, build a family. Children raised in families dominated by tyranny and despotism often treat their own children cruelly. They easily decide to use violent actions against other individuals. Such babies, driven to an extreme degree of despair and humiliation, are transformed from a sacrificial lamb into a criminal.

All violence leads to a persistent sense of expectation of threat, danger and constant worry. Abused children experience fear, powerlessness, pain, confusion, and shame. Often, they blame themselves for what happened, feel like accomplices or culprits.

If the father is a tyrant in family relationships, then many children feel guilty about the mother, because they, due to fear, could not trust her. Deep down in their hearts, some toddlers understand that what is happening is not their fault, but most still believe that violent treatment is due to their behavior or their character. As a result, they are forced to hide everything and be constantly silent. This, in turn, exacerbates the consequences of violence.

Families are often the source of violence:

- with the presence of an incorrect, inadequate style of educational activities and intrafamilial relationships, psychophysical characteristics or personal capabilities of the baby (for example, emotional rejection of the child, inconsistent conflict relations between parents);

- an unstable family in which a divorce is planned;

- disorganized, asocial family with regular alcohol or drug addiction, criminal behavior of older family members, immoral lifestyle.

Domestic violence against women

Coercion or violence against the weaker sex is called individual or collective violent actions committed against women. The main motive for this crime is the sex of the victim.

In accordance with the UN definition, violence against women is considered any violent act committed because of gender, which causes or may cause sexual, physical or psychological harm, suffering to women, and besides this, the threat to commit such acts, coercion -or, imprisonment of life.

Women are at the highest risk of violence from those closest to them and, predominantly, from partners in intimate relationships. Violent women undergo profound, often irreversible, changes that affect their physiology, behavior, cognition and emotional life. In the first turn, women are significantly reduced, there is a chronic feeling of shame, a sense of guilt, fear becomes its constant companions, the perception of reality is distorted. The victim is characterized by a critically high level of anxiety, the presence of neurotic states,.

Also, in victims of violent acts, there are a number of clinical manifestations of personality deformation - signs. Therefore, in the first place, helping victims of domestic violence lies in the positive transformation of the environment in which the victim exists.

Domestic violence can take the form of physical impact, but in addition, it often takes the form of verbal and psychological. Often, the fairer sex, victims of violent acts by a partner, do not inform anyone about the incident, including law enforcement agencies. Therefore, most experts believe that the true scale of the picture is almost impossible to establish. The risk of dying as a result of violent acts by a partner is several times higher for women than for men.

In addition, violence can also occur between women in kinship relationships, in particular between a daughter and a mother, in lesbian couples, or in relationships between girls who are neighbors in an apartment or room.

There are a number of signs that allow you to recognize the signs of domestic violence against the fairer sex and not appear as a victim of domestic violence:

- disregard for the feelings of the partner;

- a man abuses prohibitions;

- the husband forbids using the telephone;

- the spouse blames the woman for his own mistakes.

Domestic violence assistance is divided into several stages. First, it is necessary to identify the signs of the violence that has occurred. It often happens that a doctor suspects domestic violence against a patient, but due to certain circumstances she does not want to admit it. Therefore, it is necessary with the help of a confidential conversation, asking direct questions, to cause her frankness. If a woman confirms the facts of violence, then it is necessary to assure her that she does not deserve such treatment, that the problem of domestic despotism is quite common, that the person who performs the violent acts is considered responsible for such behavior.

How to deal with domestic violence? In the first turn, one should not be afraid to fight him. It is necessary to understand that resisting violent acts is not only possible, but also extremely necessary in order not to lose oneself as an individual and personality. You should not be afraid, let alone ashamed, to contact law enforcement agencies. For a spouse-despot, there are three options for liability (administrative, criminal and civil). If there are injuries caused by a tyrant spouse, they should be recorded in a medical institution. In addition to law enforcement agencies, there are also all kinds of centers aimed at helping women with domestic violence. These centers employ competent specialists and experienced psychologists who specialize in providing support to survivors of domestic violence, assistance is to restore the psychological state of the victim.

Domestic Violence - How to Deal with a Tyrant

Thousands of women around the world are subjected to domestic violence every day. Husbands can often do much more harm to a woman's physical health and psychological well-being than ordinary street thugs. After all, the attack of criminals is a one-time action, and the partners mock the spouses methodically, daily bringing them to a sad mental state. However, one should not place the entire blame for the daily bullying on men, because the victim is also to blame for what is happening. Women have a huge reserve of patience, they are aimed at preserving the family. At the same time, wives who endure bullying do not understand that with each passing day the level of danger of being under the same roof with a tyrant increases for them.

How to deal with domestic violence? It is necessary to understand that absolutely all domestic tyrants are afraid of publicity, which may entail the intervention of others and employees of state institutions. Often, sadistic husbands in public appear to be such "goodies", and in private they come off to the fullest. That is why you should not hide your misfortune, let alone cover up the tyrant. You should inform your spouse's parents, other close persons, friends about violent acts in your address. You also need to tell your family about your spouse's behavior. The centers for psychological support and legal aid provide assistance to women with domestic violence. In addition, it is recommended to write a statement against the tyrant to the law enforcement agencies. They have enough leverage and intimidation of domestic sadists. The most important thing in confronting a man prone to domestic violence is to demonstrate what awaits him in case of repeated attempts at violent actions.

Unfortunately, in our country, assistance to victims of domestic violence is developed to a much lesser extent than abroad. Therefore, in order to increase the effectiveness of the assistance system, eradicate the problem of domestic violence, it is advisable to adopt the experience of foreign countries, as well as to develop effective programs aimed at creating a system of psychological, legal, medical and social assistance to victims of domestic violence.

Today it is becoming obvious that effective social work in the direction of providing assistance and support to people who have suffered from domestic tyrants should be based on the close intertwining of all public services related to solving social problems of the population.

Domestic violence is dangerous because over time it acquires a generalized focus, when cases of abuse and violent actions are regular and cover different areas of the relationship between the tyrant and the victim. Domestic violence is a cyclical process.

Rehabilitation assistance to victims of domestic violence is characterized by the presence of certain prescriptions. What they have in common is their focus on overcoming psychological transformations caused by prolonged exposure to stress, as well as associated with the destruction of the victim's personality caused by cruelty.

Studies have shown that the following strategies for coping with PTSD are the most effective:

- in order to analyze the memories of the traumatic situation and deeply comprehend all the circumstances of the trauma, a directed return to memories is used;

- understanding the meaning of a traumatic situation in life, awareness of the style of behavior, decisions made by the individual, and the resulting quality of life.

Most experts believe that the experience of violence should be viewed as a traumatic crisis, the consequences of which affect women's perception of the world, their motivational and emotional spheres, cognitive processes and behavior. Hence, at the heart of the concepts aimed at studying the consequences of domestic violent acts as a traumatic crisis is the theory that an individual who has experienced a crisis situation cannot remain the same. As a result of the transferred events, changes must necessarily occur in his personality. Since there can be no “return” from a crisis situation. As a result of the traumatic crisis, the fairer sex moves from one state of self-awareness to another, from one judgment about reality to another. Such a transformation should be considered as the transfer of new experience, the acquisition of knowledge about one's own personality and about the world, which, as a result, can be considered as overcoming a stage in personal development, subject to a successful exit from a traumatic crisis.

In short, the positive overcoming of the crisis provoked by domestic violence is the way to acquire a new self-concept and a new concept of reality. This path is quite difficult and, often, causes a natural fear, which consists in the fear of losing oneself, the fear of not withstanding the experiences and losing the mind. Most women who choose this path need an assistant or guide. Psychologists or social workers can act as guides. A positive approach contributes to the fruitful overcoming of a crisis triggered by violence. It consists in a woman's understanding of her own reactions to circumstances, with their further acceptance, in experiencing and formulating her own state, which leads to the integration of the experience gained as a result of the transfer of violence.

On April 10, a round table was held at the Moscow City Hall "New Legislative Initiatives to Address the Problem of Domestic Violence", which discussed ways to address one of the major problems of our society. We went to a round table, and also asked experts about what domestic violence really is, where it comes from and how to deal with it at the public and state levels. In the next article, we will tell you what to do if this problem directly affects you or your friends.

For help in preparing the material and advice, the editors would like to thank the director of the independent charitable center for survivors of sexual violence "Sisters" Maria Mokhova, specialists from the ANNA national center for the prevention of violence and Natalia Khodyreva, candidate of psychological sciences and founder of the St. Petersburg crisis center for women "INGO".

Text: Maria Servetnik, Olga Strakhovskaya

What
"Domestic violence"?

There are several ways to define the problem: “domestic violence”, “family” or “partner”. The phrase itself implies that this violence occurs between people who are in personal relationships - spouses or partners, sometimes former and not necessarily living together, regardless of whether it is a heterosexual couple or homosexual. It is very important to distinguish between family conflict, which is one-off, and partner violence - regularly recurring or more frequent incidents that follow a certain pattern.

Conflict, no matter how acute it may be, turns into the category of domestic violence only when it occurs according to the same pattern at least twice. The fundamental difference is that a family conflict is of a local isolated nature and arises on the basis of a specific problem, which theoretically can be resolved, for example, with the help of a psychologist or lawyer. Simply put, conflict has a beginning and an end. Partner violence is a system of behavior of one family member towards another, based on power and control. It has no specific reason, except that one of the partners seeks to control the behavior and feelings of the other and suppress him as a person at different levels.

What types of home
do violence exist?

In society, domestic violence is understood primarily as physical violence, it is also assault. Indeed, this is one of the most widespread types of domestic violence: according to the ANNA crisis center, every third Russian woman is beaten by her husband or partner. Physical violence includes not only beatings, but also restraint, strangulation, burning and other methods of causing bodily harm, up to and including murder. However, there are other types of domestic violence: sexual, psychological and economic.

Sexy Domestic violence is coercion into sexual activity through force, blackmail or threats. According to research conducted in Russia in 1996 and 2000, approximately one in four Russian women are forced into sexual relations by their husbands against their will. This is directly related to the idea of \u200b\u200bsex as a "marital duty" that a woman must fulfill regardless of her desire, and the general idea of \u200b\u200bthe dynamics of sexual relations, in which a woman "gives" and a man "takes". Psychological violence is systematic insults, blackmail, threats, manipulation. It is a subset of violence involving children, from using children as hostages to threatening to harm children if the partner does not obey. Economic - this is the deprivation of one of the partners of financial freedom, from withholding income to situations in which one partner completely takes away the salary of the other and does not allow him to participate in making financial decisions. The problem is that physical or sexual violence can be proven and they are crimes, but economic and psychological violence is not. It is not uncommon for one of the partners to use all types of violence at the same time.

Why is it considered
what from domestic violence
are women mostly affected?

The types of violence that can be detected (i.e. physical and sexual) mostly affect women. According to the statistics of the Ministry of Internal Affairs for 2013, women make up 91.6% of victims of violent crimes against their spouses. “Among victims of violence by spouses or partners, the number of women exceeds the number of men by about 9 times. Women suffer 8 times more grievous bodily and other harm from their partners than men. Male violence most often has a practical purpose or expressive (expressing emotions). Women are more likely to resort to physical violence when they feel cornered and desperate to prevent further abuse. It is extremely rare that violence by women is systematic, purposeful, permanent, ”explains Natalia Khodyreva.

On the other hand, women are more likely to experience methods of emotional and economic violence. For example, a wife may seek to control all family spending and systematically humiliate her husband because of low earnings. However, a woman can also be a physical aggressor, for example, towards children. A hierarchy of power may arise in the family, where a man is the strongest, abuses power and uses violence, and women, in turn, use it against children.

Is there a connection between
domestic violence and financial
and the social level of the family?

There is an opinion that only dysfunctional families are subject to domestic violence, while wealthy and educated couples do not have such a problem. This is not true. According to the data carried out by the Council of Women of Moscow State University, 61.6% of disadvantaged families and 38.4% of those who are well-off face domestic violence. At the same time, for families with low incomes and a low level of education, problems are more often associated with alcoholism and the use of physical violence. In families with a high level of education, but low income, economic and psychological violence (sophisticated psychological manipulation and so on) is more developed. Domestic violence in high-income families is most often physical and sexual.

The point is that in dysfunctional families the problem of violence is more noticeable, since these families may be visited by social workers or guardians, for example, because of the child's behavior. Domestic killings of a partner are also more likely to occur in marginalized families, for whom the "drinking - fighting - knife" pattern is eerily typical. Such stories also penetrate the press, become material for reports, with photographs, names, private stories. It is impossible to get into the "status" layers in this way: until it comes to cruel reprisals or murder, no one suspects anything.

What are the reasons
domestic violence?

The main and most dangerous misconception that exists in society regarding the problem of domestic violence is that the reason lies in the actions of the injured partner, and the abuser was “provoked”. This automatically raises the erroneous question "why?" and the tendency to seek excuses for the aggressor. It is necessary to remember that there is no behavioral reason for systematic violence and cannot be - this is only the fault of the rapist's tendency to aggression and the manifestation of his power over his partner.

This tendency directly depends on the upbringing and the scheme of family relations, which a person "inherited", observing the relationship of his parents, as well as on the attitudes that prevail in society in general, and in particular in the environment of the couple. For example, the likelihood of domestic violence increases if a woman and her friends choose not to discuss the topic of violence or seek help, and the husband and his friends do not condemn the use of force. The problem is rooted both in the taboo of the topic of domestic violence, and in the patriarchal nature of Russian culture, enshrined even at the level of "folk wisdom" and traditional values: "A man is the head of everything," "Let the wife fear her husband." The family economy is also built in such a way that with the birth of children, a woman often falls into a state of dependence on who brings money to the house.

“The idea that a woman is 'running up' is, alas, widespread among many of my fellow psychologists,” notes Natalia Khodyreva. According to her, Russian society is characterized by a militaristic consciousness - it is believed that for any disobedience one should use physical punishment or shout. Therefore, rapists do not tend to see problems in their behavior.

How domestic violence is different
from any other, and why does this problem need a special approach?

First, in cases of domestic violence, the victim partner is in constant contact with the abuser and often depends on him economically. You don't have to see the person who hit you on the street every day and sleep in the same room. In a situation of domestic violence, victims are often unable to find housing, and constantly communicating with the abuser means being subjected to violence again. Women in unhealthy relationships are also pressured by social stereotypes that prevent them from breaking off relations with the rapist: “children need a father,” “do not destroy the family.” Another dangerous misconception that follows from the tradition of blaming the victim is the illusion that if a woman or a man behaves “better” and finds an approach to a partner, the violence against them will stop.

There are also psychological factors - after a long relationship with constant pressure, threats, often beatings, the household Stockholm syndrome develops. As a psychological defense, the victim begins to believe that the aggressor will take pity if he unconditionally fulfills his demands, and tries to justify his actions by building an emotional connection with him.

As a domestic violence problem
solved at the level of legislation?

Unfortunately, at the moment there is no special law on domestic violence in Russia. The most frequently applied to situations of domestic violence are articles of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation: 111 ("Intentional infliction of grievous bodily harm"), 112 ("Intentional infliction of moderate injury to health"), 115 ("Intentional infliction of minor harm to health") 116 ("Beating") and 119 (“Threats to kill or grievous bodily harm”). According to a study conducted by the ANNA Center, under the current legislation, it is very difficult to prove cases of domestic violence, even physical violence. The problem is aggravated by the fact that victims are often not interested in initiating proceedings against their partner, especially if they feel that there is still an opportunity to keep the family together. The police are contacted because they want to stop the violence “in the moment”, in the hope that it will never happen again.

But even if the injured partner is willing to follow through, obstacles arise. Cases under Articles 115 and 116 are private prosecution cases, that is, the prosecution is initiated not by the prosecutor on behalf of the state, but by the victim herself or her representatives. “The victim should act as a prosecution herself - collect evidence herself, appoint an expert examination, collect witness statements and so on. Meanwhile, in reality, a woman is often unable to even submit an application without the support of a lawyer - it is not accepted the first time. And if it comes to court, they try to reconcile her with the rapist, and instead of being protected, the woman gets a new circle of violence, "said Alexey Parshin, lawyer of the Moscow Bar Association and member of the working group on the development of the draft law" On the prevention and prevention of domestic violence. " , at a round table on the discussion of the bill.

In addition, the Russian legislation lacks the concept of a protective order - a court order that prohibits or restricts contact of a rapist with a victim. It turns out that a person who has been subjected to domestic violence is most likely defenseless from all sides.

What do they do
crisis centers?

Victims need psychological rehabilitation programs, social housing, protection programs for high risk of death threats, compensation for damage, programs for children who witness domestic violence. Now in Russia there are state and non-profit organizations involved in helping victims of domestic violence, but there are very few of them - less than 0.5% of all social institutions deal with this problem. At the same time, social institutions are being “optimized”, shelters and emergency telephone numbers are being closed. Most government agencies can only provide assistance to people who have a residence permit for the desired city or region, while victims without a residence permit are more likely to have nowhere to go. You can get to the hospital of the Moscow "Crisis Center for Helping Women and Children" only by referral from social protection. As a result, the victims find themselves without state protection at the most difficult moment - immediately after the act of violence. In this situation, you can apply for asylum only to non-state crisis centers.

For men, who are most often the initiators of violence, in turn, there are prevention programs in the world. Within their framework, boys and young men are taught what consent to sexual contact is, respect for women and girls, what actions are violent and why. For adult male aggressors, psychocorrectional courses are conducted. There is only one such course in Russia - the voluntary program Alternative to Violence, which is conducted by Men of the 21st Century.

How to improve
the situation in Russia?

This is a long-term systematic work, which includes both the introduction of the relevant law and its implementation, and the education of specialists and the whole society. Work is needed to improve the quality of life, aimed at the safety and health of citizens. It is important to remove the taboo from the very topic of domestic violence, to explain to the victims that they are not guilty and should not be ashamed of being bullied. Publicity can help to gradually change public opinion, which is especially important in a situation where the legal system is unable to adequately respond to cases of domestic violence.

At the moment, a draft law on the prevention of domestic violence has been developed, which is under consideration by the Russian government. It involves the transfer of all private prosecution cases to a private-public one, the introduction of preventive accounting, preventive conversations, a protective order and a judicial protection order, as well as specialized programs for both survivors of violence and rapists. The offender, in particular, will be offered to leave the place of cohabitation, regardless of who owns it, to transfer personal belongings and property to the injured partner, if they were withheld, to oblige to pay the costs of treatment, counseling and housing if the victim moves out.

The bill does not offer any separate special punishment for domestic rapists - all liability is provided in accordance with the articles, for example, on causing bodily harm. It is fundamentally important that this bill authorizes district police officers to respond and record all cases of domestic violence in their area, as well as conduct preventive conversations with the rapist after the first signal of violence. The rapist must be informed that after the second signal administrative responsibility will come, and after the third he will be considered a repeat offender. As Maria Mokhova emphasizes, the state is obliged to inform its citizens that this is not “my wife: I want to love, I want to kill,” but this is a person and a member of society, and it is forbidden and punishable to use violence against him.

What's the situation
in other countries?

Currently, 89 states have certain legislative provisions directly aimed at combating domestic violence, and in a number of countries (USA, Australia) there are also special articles on marital rape. Some States have enacted comprehensive laws on violence against women with a range of legal protections. Some of the former Soviet republics - Ukraine, Kyrgyzstan, Moldova, Georgia - have also already adopted laws aimed at combating domestic violence.

In the United States, where the system of combating and preventing domestic violence is highly developed, about three thousand women die a year. In Russia, this figure is three to four times higher, despite the fact that the population of Russia is two times less. International legal practice is to be guided primarily by the nature of the acts of violence, and not by the relationship between the perpetrator and the victim. Moreover, domestic violence by a husband poses a serious threat to a woman's life and health, since she is often forced to live with him even after a divorce or during an investigation.

The main elements of assistance for survivors of domestic violence, which are absent or poorly developed in Russia, but are actively used and developed in the world: protective orders, crisis and rehabilitation centers and social shelters where survivors of violence can spend the night and get food. In a number of countries, unlike Russia, there is also a mechanism of a protective order, when the warring parties first of all separate from each other in order to save people's lives. On the contrary, we have a practice of reconciliation of the parties in court. As Maria Mokhova notes, “in Russia, on average, they break away from a rapist seven times - they leave and return. It happens longer. "

Domestic violence in the family is a very "hot" topic today. Humiliation from an intimate partner is a pattern of intentionally controlled behavior. Psychological and physical dominance is used by a person in relation to a family member or close partner in order to gain and maintain power and control over that person. Domestic violence in the family can be not only physical and sexual, but also psychological.

The abuser uses manipulative behavior, including:

1. intimidation;
2. threats;
3. psychological isolation (silence and ignorance) to coerce and control another person.

This behavior may not happen every day, but it can remain hidden and be a constant factor in "terrorism".

Psychological domestic violence against a woman

Psychological abuse means intense and repetitive humiliation of a person as an individual. First of all, this happens on the basis of complete isolation and control over the actions or behavior of a woman (or other family members) through intimidation or manipulation. About 1 in 4 women experience violence from their partners.

Such situations "destroy the house" and the life of a person. No one deserves to be humiliated mentally and physically. Responsibility for this behavior belongs to the abuser. It's not the victim's fault!

Women who are physically abused are often isolated. Their partners tend to be in control of their entire life to a great extent, and also make it worse. Some of the warning signs for domestic violence are listed below. See if these situations include those that happen in your life and your family.

Signs of domestic violence

1. Physical and sexual abuse. Hair pulling or biting; pushing or choking; kicks or gifts on the head; punching and using weapons as threats; violent intercourse and unwanted sexual contact in public or private life; deprivation of food and sleep.
2. Emotional abuse... Insulting in public or confidentially; suppression of friends and family; insult (what makes a person think that he is crazy); creating a sense of guilt using the "Man's Privilege" over a woman; the behavior of a family member as the "Owner of the Castle", and all household members are servants.
3. Economic violence... A ban on work and the ability to work and earn money (thereby forcing a woman to ask for money from a partner); take money, if any; prevent women from accessing family income; not give voting rights in important financial decisions or requiring exclusive control over household finances.
4. Coercion and threats.Creating a deliberate threat to do something that will hurt; constant threats of divorce and threats to commit suicide; compulsion to do illegal things.
5. Bullying. Forcing a woman to be afraid (of children or other household members) through looks, gestures or actions; throwing and damaging things; damage to property (house, apartment); bullying pets; dangerous driving; demonstration of weapons (as intimidating factor).
6. Use of children... During conflicts, children are involved or children serve as a "bridge" for communication (there is no direct communication between parents, only through children); threats to take the children away and the inability to see them in the future.
7. Isolation. Control over what a woman is doing: with whom she sees, what she reads, where she goes, with whom she goes; a ban on driving a car; a ban on employment (getting a job); ban on free use of the phone.
8. Using jealousy and guiltto justify action. Constant accusations of unfounded betrayals, thereby hiding behind the fact that the partner was worried and afraid, in order to make him feel guilty, but in fact this only only strengthens the position of the “domestic terran”.

There is an exit

The danger is real. If you are in a situation in which you are being humiliated (physically and emotionally), do not ignore that situation. Domestic violence in the family is not the result of stress, anger, drugs or alcohol (but even these moments are not a reason).

The offender will "always keep" such a model of behavior, he has learned this and will always use it perfectly, even after he asks for forgiveness once again, and you believe and say: "This was the last time I forgave you."

But the worst thing is that this "last time" will be repeated over and over again, because your abuser is already an excellent manipulator who has learned to dominate and intimidate. Such relationships are destructive and dangerous.

Offended and humiliated partners are afraid to tell someone about their feelings, maybe someone is ashamed to admit it, and someone is simply afraid to do it. Some women are afraid because they are financially dependent on their partner.

How will they be able to take care of themselves and their children? Many women seem to have nowhere else to go. Abusers tend to isolate their victims, limiting all livelihoods and freedom. And most women continue to live in this madness, thinking that everything will work out.

Before opening the door to the future, the door to the past must be closed.

Nobody will take this decision for you, you can only be helped (social protection bodies, law enforcement agencies, social services), but you make the decision. Do not be silent about your misfortune, you cannot be silent, otherwise at one moment everything can end very badly for you and your children.

Now there are many social services, helplines, where you can turn for help and protection. There are even special shelters for women. If you are from a small town where there are no social security services, then dial the helpline number and they will help you find a way out. Just don't think now, reading these lines, that no one will help me. You cannot help a person who does not ask for help.

Domestic violence in the family is a very difficult situation and the fact that you need to leave such a "sick" family and take children (if any) is of course the right step. It will be very difficult and difficult to do this, because women in such families are emotionally depressed and psychologically weak. But it is important to remember one thing, until you close the door behind you, the next door in front of you will never open.

(ed.)

Domestic violence - these are regularly repeated acts of physical, mental, economic, sexual and other influence aimed at suppressing the will of another person and gaining total control over him. Many people live in families where such relationships are present. And in such families, instead of trust, love, security and partnership, control, power, anxiety and violence prevail.

Often, when talking about domestic violence, there are horrible pictures of battered, raped women, battered children and a hard tyrant man. The media portray the problem of domestic violence with the help of images, often grotesque and stereotypical, like alcoholic husbands, pathologically hot jealous, traditionally oriented, religious men. In reality, this is often not the case. If only because a rapist can be not only a man, but also a woman and a child. More details about this are described in this material. Metaphorically speaking, the rapist is more of a gothic vampire sneaking up on a victim from the darkness than a brutal aggressive monster destroying everything around.

In our culture, the word "violence" refers to the often extreme manifestations of this phenomenon: severe physical violence, beating, rape, murder. It is important to understand that quite often domestic violence does not manifest itself in such extremes. Much more often, this occurs in the form of "light" physical violence such as cuffs, kicks, pinches, and the so-called abuse: harassment (not only of a sexual nature), humiliation, insults, ignorance and devaluation.

Abuse, literally meaning "abuse", allows a more accurate reflection of the essence of domestic violence. The term "abuse" focuses on the fact that the main purpose of violence is power over the victim, control of the partner. English-language resources devoted to the problem of domestic violence use the phrase "domestic violence & abuse" to denote domestic violence. This division allows us to distinguish between abuse and violence in general, and to assess the terrible consequences of different forms of violence.

Factors of occurrence

The patriarchal structure and its consequence is a tolerant attitude towards the use of physical violence in family and not only relationships.

Social factors include belonging to criminalized or disadvantaged strata of society, alcoholism or dependence on psychoactive substances.

Economic factors are the financial dependence of the victim on a man, discrimination against women in the labor sphere.

Legal factors include the absence of a law on protection against domestic violence, its recent decriminalization, a low level of legal literacy, and the traditional neglect of the problem by law enforcement officials and the judiciary. In 2016, beatings were no longer considered a criminal offense in Russia, except for beatings against close relatives, motivated by hatred and hooliganism. And at the beginning of 2017, beatings in the family were removed from the Criminal Code. The State Duma explained this by caring for strong families. And in the spring of 2018, the chairman of the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation, Alexander Bastrykin, speaking at the congress of ombudsmen for the rights of the child, announced the increased incidence of domestic violence due to the decriminalization of this type of offense last year.

Domestic violence often occurs in families where one person is overprotective towards another under the guise of caring. Such manifestations of overprotection, such as increased attention, control and protection from imaginary dangers, distrust, harsh criticism, underestimation of abilities, orders, ignorance and emotional manipulation (resentment and blackmail), are emotional abuse. It is important that this can occur both between adult family members and in families with children. Parental overprotection is described much better than partner. In fact, overprotection is now called caring for a partner or a child, although this is not the same thing at all. In fact, overprotection is a form of abuse.

Signs of domestic violence

1. Deliberation or awareness of their own actions by the rapist. This means that the abuser understands that he is committing violence anyway. Extremely rare cases - when a rapist has a psychiatric illness, but they will not be considered in this material.

2. The root of this violence is the desire for control. And there may be variations here:

• The abuser wants to dominate, set the rules, control all aspects of the life of the family, influence, punish, control thoughts, actions, feelings;
• The abuser finds himself in a situation where he feels helpless and powerless, producing anger and aggression in him, and, not having the skills to otherwise deal with feelings, he commits violence, forcing the victim to do what the abuser wants.

4. Alcoholization or dependence on psychoactive substances in a family member significantly increases the risk of violence.

5. Strengthening over time, the emergence of new methods and the connection of new types of violence. That is, sexual coercion can be added to physical abuse, or physical abuse can be added to emotional abuse;

6. Cyclic violence.

7. Severe physical and emotional consequences for the victim.

8. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures, countries of the world, family composition, does not depend on the sexuality of partners: domestic violence occurs both in LGBT families and in heterosexual families.

It is important to distinguish family quarrels and conflicts from violence. In conflict situations, the conflicting parties are in a relatively equal position, although they can accompany the conflict with violent emotions, shouts, etc. Domestic violence differs from conflict primarily in that there is no equality in it - the rapist always seeks to suppress the victim. The second important difference is that domestic violence is always systemic and always cyclical.

The cycle of domestic violence

1. A violent act: in fact, the commission of violence.

2. Reconciliation: The abuser apologizes, explains the abuse, blames the victim, sometimes denies what happened or convinces the victim of exaggerating the event. At this time, the rapist seeks to show his sense of guilt, and like any guilty person himself seeks punishment or redemption. Having received it, the feeling of guilt passes, and the next stage begins.

3. Quiet period, it is also called "honeymoon": This is a rather difficult stage. After the manifestation of cruelty and violence, the offender can turn into a caring, loyal, charming and kind person, become what the victim loved him. The abuser can perform a variety of romantic bribing actions: invite to a restaurant or give expensive gifts. This behavior is designed to maintain a "normal" relationship. The purpose of this stage is to keep the victim in the family and maintain a semblance of well-being. This period can last from several hours to several years.

4. Provocation or escalation of tension: the perpetrator creates situations where the victim is in a position where the perpetrator can commit violence, blaming the victim for it. During this period, the victims are very careful, trying to predict each step and its consequences. This is a very difficult period and it can take a long time.

5. A new act of violence.

Types of domestic violence

1. Intentional violence.

A planned, deliberate act of violence in order to gain total control over the victim and a sense of satisfaction with control.

The abuser deliberately goes to commit violent actions, because as a result he will receive the desired control over the victim. Usually, by this time, the perpetrator is convinced that the victim is already sufficiently dependent on him, and it does not matter what kind of dependence it is: emotional, financial, sexual, territorial or legal. The fact is that the awareness of the dominant position "unties" the hands of the rapist, and in his view he can do anything with the victim, because she is dependent, and he is the master.

2. Unintentional violence.

A spontaneous, poorly controlled, but conscious act of violence in order to gain control over a situation and relieve high situational anxiety. The abuser tries, through a violent act, to cope with a difficult-lived situation and emotions, for example, high anxiety through violence against the victim. This form of violence differs from normal domestic violence in that it does not cycle and intensify over time. However, it becomes possible precisely in close relationships, where the boundaries are not so well constructed and there is dependence.

Forms of domestic violence

This form of violence is even more common than physical violence and is almost always accompanied by physical violence. Psychological abuse is difficult to diagnose, and even more difficult to prove in court. While all other forms of violence are easily identified because they have clear physical consequences, then clear signs of psychological impact are rarely seen, and the consequences can be extremely serious.

The breadth and sophistication of forms of psychological violence makes it much more difficult to classify them. In addition, psychological violence quite often does not appear on its own, but together with other types of violence. These can be offensive remarks (which are often called criticism), caustic jokes, especially and often public, any actions and statements, or, on the contrary, inaction degrading the dignity of the victim. Various kinds of prohibitions (especially in relation to relations between adults), for example, meeting with friends, relatives, visiting some places, a ban on work or study. Manipulation, threats, shifting responsibility to the victim, instilling a sense of guilt. Demonstration of one's strength, without physical impact, but a warning about such a possibility. This also includes humiliation and belittling of importance, devaluation of the partner's achievements. Emotional abuse is dangerous because it is difficult to prove, because it does not leave visible marks on the body.

A separate form of emotional abuse is gaslighting: The origin of this name is connected with the film "Gaslight" (Gaslight, directed by George Cukor, 1944). It brilliantly shows how one person can plant doubt about the adequacy of another and almost drive him crazy, constantly not confirming the reality of the surrounding events. Thus, gaslighting is defined as a form of psychological violence, in which the denial of reality plays the main role. In everyday life, gaslighting can take different forms, for example:

• Denial of facts: "What's the matter with you, I never said this", "it all seems to you", "you invented / invented".
• Denial of emotions "It seems to you that you are in a bad mood, but you are not", "You cannot be angry / offended at me"
• Emphasizing the inadequacy of perception, devaluation of the partner, references to the emotional state and possible mental illness: "Listen, something strange has happened with you lately, your grandfather started everything in the same way", "This is not fatigue, but again your depression begins ".

Gaslighters can be: parents who deny the facts of physical or emotional abuse of the child; relatives who accuse the victim of incest of being mad: a husband who considers any tears and discontent of his wife to be manifestations of cyclical processes in the female body or depression and shrugs off discussion of conflict situations; a wife who considers her husband's tiredness and apathy to be everyday laziness and does not want to listen to him.

2. Physical abuse.

This is a direct or indirect impact on the victim with the aim of causing physical harm, such as: mutilation, grievous bodily harm, beatings, kicks, slaps, shocks, slaps, throwing objects, etc. Corporal punishment in the family is a form of domestic violence. Physical violence includes avoiding first aid, sleep deprivation, deprivation of the ability to perform vital functions (for example, refusal to shower and toilet), attraction to the use of alcohol and drugs against the will of the victim. Physical harm to other family members and animals for the purpose of psychological impact on the victim is defined as an indirect form of physical violence.

3. Sexual abuse.

This is a type of physical abuse. This is not only "rape", that is, having sexual intercourse despite the explicit refusal of the other partner, usually accompanied by physical violence. It is any forced sexual act or exploitation of another person's sexuality. That is, persuasion after refusal, harassment, blackmail, coaxing, bribery, etc.

In Russia, as in many other countries of the world, marriage is often regarded as giving men the unconditional right to have sexual relations with their spouses and to use force if she does not want to have sexual contact.

Forcing sex under the guise of conjugal duty is also sexual abuse, since there is no conjugal duty. Sex in a healthy relationship always happens in mutual agreement, expressed by both people, brings pleasure, pleasure and joy from intimacy with a partner.

The relationship between sexual violence and unwanted pregnancies (due to the lack of the possibility of using contraception), teenage pregnancies, and an increased risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV / AIDS, has been proven.

Rape is the most severe form of sexual violence. The consequences of rape include unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV / AIDS. However, victims often do not report rape for fear of public reprimand. According to statistics from the Sister Center, only 10-12% of victims of sexual violence in Russia go to the police, and only one in five of them have law enforcement agencies accept a statement. Only 2.9% of criminal cases reach the court.

4. Sexual abuse of children by parents and incestuous relationships is a separate category of sexual abuse:

Forms of sexual violence include offering or coercing sexual acts (regardless of the outcome), displaying genitals, displaying pornography, sexual contact, physical contact with the genitals, viewing the genitals without physical contact, using a partner to produce pornography.

The consequences of sexual violence:

• Feelings of guilt, self-blame;
• Flashbacks (sudden, violent, repeated experiences of violent experiences)
• Nightmares;
• Insomnia, fears associated with memories of abuse (including fears of objects, smells, places, doctor visits, etc.);
• Self-esteem problems;
• Sexual disorders;
• Chronic pain;
• Chemical addiction;
• Self-harm;
• Suicidal thoughts and suicide;
• Somatic disorders, depression;
• Post-traumatic stress disorder;
• High anxiety and anxiety disorder;
• Other mental disorders (including borderline personality disorder and dissociative personality disorder, bulimia).

This is control over the financial and other resources of the family, the allocation of money to the victim for "maintenance", extortion, coercion to extortion. This also includes prohibitions on education and / or employment, and the deliberate waste of family financial resources in order to create a stressful environment. When one of the partners refuses to work himself, this is also a form of economic violence. In this case, he makes the other work for two or interferes with his work due to his own complexes.

6. Technological violence.

The rapist's total control of all equipment with which the victim interacts. Control of social networks, correspondence, phone calls, e-mail, login / logout to accounts, tracking the time spent in communication with equipment. "Why did you leave your Vkontakte account ?! Do you have something to hide from me ?!", "Delete your former friends / phone book." All of this is the same violence and methods of suppression and control of the victim.

7. Territorial violence and limitation of social contacts.

These are severe bans and restrictions on movement and stay in certain places, for failure to comply with severe punishment, physical and emotional violence. Prohibiting a partner from meeting certain people, friends, relatives. There are cases when not only meetings are prohibited, but also mentions of certain people. A ban on being in certain places in the house. Punishing a child for disobedience with a ban on walking is also violence.

Features of the perception of domestic violence

Read the following example:

Only one person works in the family for the family members. Thus, the rest of the family members are economically and geographically dependent on who works. This gives the abuser thoughts and judgments that since he / she earns money and provides for the family, it means that he / she has the right to dictate to the victims how to live. Therefore, the rapist considers it possible to humiliate or insult, to point out the worthlessness of the victims because of the smallest everyday situations, such as not washed dishes or not prepared dinner on time. And in the case of more serious "misconduct" of the victim, for example, conversations with those with whom it is not necessary, or improperly and poorly done household chores, the rapist has the right to "put his hand", that is, beat the victim.

Note that the word "rapist" is in bold and the word "victim" is in italics. This is for your convenience. And now:

1. Replace the word "rapist" with "man" and the word "victim" with "woman".
2. Change the word "rapist" to "woman" and the word "victim" to "man"
3. Change the word "rapist" to "husband" and the word "victim" to "wife"
4. Replace the word "rapist" with "wife" and the word "victim" with "husband"
5. Change the word "rapist" to "man" and the word "victim" to "son"
6. Replace the word "rapist" with "man" and the word "victim" with "daughter"
7. Replace "rapist" with "woman" and "victim" with "son"
8. Change the word "rapist" to "woman" and the word "victim" to "daughter"
9. Replace the word "rapist" with "mother" and the word "victim" with "child"
10. Change the word "rapist" to "father" and the word "victim" to "child"
11. Replace the word "rapist" with "father" and the word "victim" with "son"
12. Replace the word "rapist" with "father" and the word "victim" with "daughter"
13. Change the word "rapist" to "mother" and the word "victim" to "son"
14. Change the word "rapist" to "mother" and the word "victim" to "daughter"
15. Change the word "rapist" to "child" and the word "victim" to "father"
16. Replace the word "rapist" with "child" and the word "victim" with "mother"
17. Replace the word "rapist" with "child" and the word "victim" with "parent"
18. Replace the word "rapist" with "son" and the word "victim" with "mother"
19. Replace the word "rapist" with "son" and the word "victim" with "father"
20. Replace the word "rapist" with "daughter" and the word "victim" with "father"
21. Replace the word "rapist" with "daughter" and the word "victim" with "mother"

Try to feel how your attitude towards this situation changes and if you imagine someone more concrete instead of an abstract rapist. What emotions do you have, do you want to justify someone or intercede. Do you find it difficult to imagine some situations in principle? Pay special attention to whether your emotions and perceptions change when a woman, mother, or daughter becomes the abuser. And when does a daughter commit violence against her mother?

Today she didn’t add salt to the soup, yesterday she painted her lips brightly, and last month she stayed at work for two hours ... Even if you follow all orders, stop communicating with her friends, parents and glide around the apartment with a pale shadow, this woman cannot avoid domestic violence.
What is this - the bad character of the husband? Unhappy fate? The reason for the violence lies in the internal psychological states of the husband and the woman herself.

The concrete cubes of high-rise buildings shine coldly with glass, protecting privacy. Each apartment cube has its own secret. Domestic violence against women is almost a taboo topic. Women try not to advertise such relationships, children are afraid to talk about it ...

Violence is a reflection of the swamp of the soul

Domestic violence for this woman is as familiar as soup for dinner, but it is always shockingly scary, like the first time her beloved husband raised his hand against her.

Today she didn’t add salt to the soup, yesterday she painted her lips brightly, and last month she was two hours late at work. The list of unacceptable actions is growing, psychological pressure is growing. Even if you follow all orders, stop communicating with girlfriends, parents and slide around the apartment as a pale shadow, this woman cannot avoid domestic violence.

What is this - the bad character of the husband? Unhappy fate? The reason for the violence lies in the internal psychological states of the husband and the woman herself.

Not every woman experiences domestic violence. This tragic scenario develops only if each partner has certain properties set by nature.

Domestic Violence Causes - Bad Wife or Bad Husband?

Married Dr. Jekyll, but is regularly abused by Mr. Hyde. Children every day fearfully await their father's return. The lessons are learned perfectly, there is not a speck of dust in the house, the recipe for the soup has been carefully checked. But late at night a stern husband and father entered, the reason for discontent was found, and again there was no protection and nowhere to hide from his heavy hand.

Each person is created according to the principle of pleasure. He applies his properties and receives joy and satisfaction from it. But when the innate properties do not find implementation, voids arise, the so-called frustrations, a person feels unhappy. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains what the peculiarities of the manifestation of frustrations in everyone are connected with.