I'm afraid of a serious relationship: what to do. Why am I afraid of a relationship with a guy? Fear of getting a sexually transmitted disease - venereophobia: symptoms, causes

Identify the cause of your fear. Can you remember the moment when you first experienced relationship fear? Was it a parental quarrel in front of your eyes? Or have you observed the consequences of a failed relationship?

Fear of a relationship does NOT mean that something is wrong with you. Letting a stranger into your world is a big deal. And to be afraid of changes in your personal life is quite natural.

Be confident in yourself. If you really want to start a relationship, you can find your person. But don't despise yourself for being afraid. Everyone is afraid of change.

Don't be impatient. Don't look for someone just to have a partner. There is a big difference between finding a partner and finding someone you would like to be your partner. Therefore, you should not seek a relationship if you are the only friend who has no half, or if you think that at your age it is time to have at least some experience in dating. It's not real. Love will blossom out of the bond that comes up when you meet the right person, but not just because you answered a newspaper ad (although that sometimes works).

But nevertheless ... try not to despair and not give up, even if things are not easy. Don't blame yourself for the failure. Accept your feelings as natural, and don't beat yourself up about them. Fear is very difficult to overcome, it takes time, introspection, working on your fears and reducing them to a normal level. Find someone with whom you can discuss your fears, someone to mentor you and with whom you feel comfortable talking.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello, I'm 20, I am a beautiful, versatile and intelligent girl, and I have never had a relationship with the opposite sex. And the point is not that most of my girlfriends have already had a relationship or are currently in a relationship and I envy them in a sense, the point is that I myself think that I am already ready for this, and not coming out. Although I think so and clearly feel attracted to guys - I seem to be afraid of falling in love and all that follows from this. I date guys - I go on dates, correspond with them, accept compliments and communicate openly - I don't feel uncomfortable. I am never against intimacy (although I never had it) - in short, I am not afraid of this, especially if I see that the person is good and I trust him. In practice, it is quite different. The fact is that as soon as I meet a guy, go on several dates and understand that he is interested in me, then I want to run and stop communicating right away, avoid his SMS and calls, hide and not go anywhere. Moreover, he may even be sympathetic to me, and in my thoughts I have long dreamed of a serious relationship, but as soon as he takes my hand, he manages me. I am pleased, but I do not know how to react - there is a desire to just be silent and ignore, and then endure until the end of the meeting, come home, fall on the sofa and dynamize it for several days until I leave. I am also offended by some little things that make me feel uncomfortable, and mostly, these are some kind of stupidity. For example, he will joke somehow stupidly - but I am ashamed. Or lead you to some strange cafe. Or to the point that he, as normal, sorry, the person wants to use the toilet and offers to go to the mall. At this moment I am seized with such a feeling of disgust - one might think he killed a person or did something terrible. I feel terribly bad and I cannot imagine myself next to this person - neither as a girl, nor as something more. I’m just walking and as if I already know that I’m not going to walk with him anymore, although the guy is good, polite and goes out of his way to please. Or he gives me three roses, they become lethargic while we walk, and I feel awkward. In short, I seem to always find an excuse for which I shouldn't see this guy - something new every time. I am not comfortable, there is no sense of security or security. I cannot completely relax, as with my friends. There is no desire to meet, communicate, and so on - this oppresses me, especially if he begins to show tenderness - to hug him, send some hearts in messages, I generally will be like an idol. And I can't understand the only thing: I'm either frigid, or something is wrong with the guys. I always don't like something about them - either they write something illiterately, then they don't compliment, then they don't drive back and forth. And I kind of understand that he is a good person, but this muck does not go out of my head. As if someone is specifically instigating. I already ran away from two guys - they were cool, smart, hardworking, and I just almost cried, as I did not want to walk with them "not for love" and simply refused. My mother tells me that at such a pace I will stay in the old maidens, the girlfriends themselves are already hinting that it is time to find someone, and I myself am not against it. I just don't know what is wrong with me and how to deal with this, with this fear, apparently. She prevents me from entering into any relationship, although I terribly want to be loved, I want attention, like any girl at this age. How to feel confident and understand what a person likes, not to run away from him headlong, as soon as some flaw or trifle unpleasant, not romantic appears. Should you force yourself to go on a date with someone if you don't fully understand whether you like him or not? What if nobody likes it? It does not happen in life that so many guys have already shown attention to me, all good and cool could be like friends, and I cannot allow my feelings to spill out, I cannot allow myself to let go of the situation and enjoy the way everything is happening.

The psychologist Lobova Elena Alekseevna answers the question.

Hello Darja!

If you don't like people, then you haven't loved yet, or at least haven't fallen in love. When a person is in love, he does not notice any peculiarities of his chosen one, but precisely the peculiarities, because we all have our own characteristics, it would be strange to call them shortcomings. Lack is when something is missing, and if a person is somehow separated from others, then this is his feature. And it is this zest that sets him apart from the rest of the people. You will love. You are still ahead.

There is no need to rush even because of the fear of remaining "an old maid", that is, with the goal "just not to remain an old maid", now you need to exchange yourself for trifles, to endure the attention of those who are unpleasant?

The question is: how comfortable will you be in the status of "no longer an old maid"? How will your life change, how will your attitude towards life change? And you shouldn't break yourself for the sake of the opinions of others. You seem to feel guilt and inferiority from the fact that “someone has, but you don’t”, like starting a boyfriend - just like buying a phone ... but with people everything is much easier if you are ready to accept them as they are ... and if something does not suit you in a person immediately, then over the years your dissatisfaction will turn into irritability and disgust, and regret that you gave your life to the wrong person.

and all the worries for what? in order to please girlfriends and mom?

and ask your mother how she is married ...? how is it to communicate with men, what should you do with them? at school we are taught anything, just not to build relationships with ourselves and with people.

Yes, exactly, you should first accept yourself, and then learn to effectively interact with people. You can first accept yourself, and then accept those around you. Only what is inside of us resonates negatively in us and we strive to suppress it ...

and do not break yourself, but sort yourself out.

If a person loves himself, he can calmly accept and give love to others. He does not have a block to accept love, he does not think that he is not worthy of something. He just accepts by his birthright.

To become interesting, you should become interesting for yourself, and then find people with interests and they will become interesting to you. And when you understand that there will be a conversation about nothing further - why continue and look for something in a person that will be the reason for your rejection. Look for a reason to justify your dislike for the person and you need to understand and work out the topic deeper. Don't depend on your friends' opinions. Do you think everything is cloudless with your friends? you should not rush, and even more so to envy.

Who you really can't envy is a free housewife ... there would be something to envy and get married only if it really is better for your husband than not being married. Become "not an old maid" only if this new state brings you satisfaction. The main thing is your personal comfort. Everything in this life is given to us for joy. I would like men to bring you into your life, only joy, not emotions ...

It is wonderful that you listen to your feelings, only one thing alarms me: perhaps once you, unconsciously, being in a state of heightened impressionability, forbade yourself to build communication with the opposite sex. You have forbidden yourself to feel joy and satisfaction from attention, and if you have such a problem, you need to work it out with a specialist, the same can be done in questions about how to behave with the opposite sex. If you do not know how, you can learn this and you need to start by listening to yourself, doing what the soul tells you at this point in time ... to follow the call of your heart ...

don't be in a hurry.

because you are afraid of the consequences, because the Body itself and the Soul itself tell you that you do not need consequences with this person, you should not allow anyone you do not love to touch you ... if you are simply afraid to do something, something is wrong and not right, again, you should work out your "inner censor" and you will understand that there are no rules in love.

The main thing is to love yourself and surrender to your feelings. You are too tight. You want to be loved, but you yourself are not ready to give love yet.

Perhaps you should be prohibited from being happy and free in a relationship. You will learn to express your desires, and not wait for the man to guess everything ...

it is better to work out everything with a specialist.

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Many girls already from the 5th grade dream of relationships with the opposite sex. But there are those who don't treat guys too well. Many consider any relationship to be vulgar, stupid or abomination. Many ladies openly declare that they are afraid of a relationship with a guy. It's hard to get out of this situation. But you have to do something. Otherwise, you will be alone all your life. And your fear will destroy your future.

I'm afraid of relationships with guys at the age of 14 and 15

At this age, such fear is more the norm than the problem. Until recently, you yourself were a "guy", and you did not care about anything except lessons and cats. And here it is !!!

Therefore, you just need to listen to your heart. If you want to date someone, then date. If not, then you shouldn't.

What about fear? So let him live on his own. Just don't ask him for advice.

Remember that everything in this life happens for the first time. And if you have not had a relationship before, this does not mean that everything will go badly. Most girls start dating young people at this age. And they are all satisfied.

I'm afraid of relationships at 20 and 23 years old

This is already a more serious problem. After all, the more you push guys away from you, the more difficult it will be for you. As a result, there is a risk of marrying just anyone and ruining your life.

Look around. Even 13-year-olds meet with guys. Why should you be afraid of an adult woman here?

Remember, there is no truth without mistakes. Don't be afraid to sleep or kiss someone. After all, the princes do not come across the first time.

And don't listen to your parents. Of particular danger are those mothers who talk about weddings and virginity. It is because of them that the old maidens are born.

I'm afraid of relationships in terms of sex

"I would love to date a guy, but I'm afraid that he will ask to see a pussy." This is familiar to you. This means that you have a typical phobia of sexual relations.

In this case, it is worth understanding that:

• If you feel the need for sex, then it is not a sin or a crime;
• Your vagina is not a spaceship. It is made for sex. Don't idealize him;
• Go down to Earth. You are an ordinary girl. He's an ordinary guy. Sex between you is the norm;
• It doesn't hurt (like a mosquito bite). Sex would be bad. They wouldn't do it;
• There will be no consequences. Do not be afraid of illness and pregnancy. Protect yourself and forward.

But this does not mean that everyone should “give”. The fear of sex is dangerous only when it spoils your relationship with your loved one. In other situations, she can help.

The reasons for your fears

Before giving a celibate dinner, you should understand where it all came from. You may be afraid to be in a relationship with a guy because of:

1. Mom's sad experience;
2. Various silly tales;
3. Neurosis, stress (quite often);
4. Megalomania (they are all lower beings);
5. Super shyness.

Find the root of the problem and solve it. Start with calmness and discretion. If you start thinking with your head, then all the difficulties will smooth out a little.

It's important to remember that all girls date guys. It’s not bad, it’s not scary, and it’s not dirty The main thing is that everything is within the bounds of decency. Then no one will tell you anything, and you will be happy.

Why do we avoid relationships?
In this article, we'll talk about the first reason - fear of pain and disappointment!

We develop this fear after a bad experience in a previous relationship. Since we all do not want to experience pain again, we try to avoid it by all means. And therefore, negative experience further interferes with building relationships in the future, it limits us in actions and obtaining the desired result.

But what happened in the past has already passed, but we live in the present and still want good things in the future. Therefore, it is important to look at what you can do about this fear.

Associated with fear of pain are secretiveness and unwillingness to open up. But it turns out a vicious circle: when people build walls and fenced off from each other, they bring pain to other people and to themselves.

But the most important thing is that we can only bring pain to ourselves.

And more often than not, it is associated only with our unjustified expectations. We know something, we were preparing for something, we learned something, we had some expectations, but they did not come true. And since it is always important for us to be right, we want our expectations to coincide with reality, we are very disappointed when we do not get what we really want.

For example, a woman says: “I thought that after the wedding, our relationship would improve. Before the wedding we fought a lot, I think that after the wedding this will not happen. " But, as a rule, if something happened before the wedding, then it will continue after it.

Such expectations haunt us all our lives: someone thinks that they and their partner will spend all the time together, someone wants her husband to free her from household chores, and someone was counting on one hundred percent community of interests. But more often than not, reality differs from what we drew for ourselves, and then problems arise.

If we talk about a conscious, reasonable approach, then, when starting a relationship, it is very important to find out the expectations of each other, ask: “What do you want in the family? What is family to you? How do you want to build a marriage relationship? "

But if the relationship has already been built and it suddenly turns out that the partners want different things, it is important to try to draw positive conclusions from this. For example, if a woman wanted to be a housewife but has to work, she might ask herself, “What is good about that? Why am I doing this? "

This is a colossal inward reversal, and not easy to do, but it can reveal a lot of value. For example, a woman may realize that she and her husband have a common goal for which they are working. It brings them together and makes them stronger!

Whenever our expectations are not met, we get new opportunities that we would not be able to notice in other conditions.

As soon as we are faced with something unexpected, we immediately begin to think: “Why is this so? What can be done?". And if we do not dwell on pain, frustration, disappointment, but move on, we develop and get a very valuable experience!

We have a new goal, and along with it, forces appear in order to realize it.

An expert in family relations.