The father took back what he gave (equal treatment of parents to children). Beloved and unloved children: how unequal treatment by parents affects children How the younger relates to the older

With the name of Allah, the Most Merciful and the All-Merciful!

In some families, child conflicts are rare or borderline impossible. And in some it is the story of every day. What is the reason? If parents show their children love and respect for each other, then jealousy is most often the cause of children's quarrels. Or rather, in the unequal attitude of parents to their children. Parents may not suspect this, but allowing themselves to treat their children differently, they unwittingly plant a time bomb in their relationship. And this is not only about the fact that instead of being comrades and relatives of each other, children will behave like rivals ...

The range of negative consequences of unequal treatment of children is quite wide. Among them may be low self-esteem, isolation, hostility, "bad behavior" (to attract more attention), a tendency to colds, illness (it is possible that with the same purpose - to attract parental attention), the desire to imitate (the elder - the younger / or the younger - the older / boy-girl / girl-boy - depending on who is the favorite in the family, the "less loved" will try to be like the "favorite"), etc.

Each child is a separate person, it is not possible to do everything the same for them all the time. A girl, for example, needs a different approach than a boy. A baby needs more attention and care than a grown-up firstborn. One child sometimes needs more support in certain situations than the other. But even while paying attention to one, a parent should never forget about the other. You need to appreciate, love, recognize all your children equally.

It is necessary to create such an atmosphere and conditions so that every child feels loved and needed. Each of them should have a place of honor in the family. Otherwise, discord, hidden aggression and competition for the love and attention of parents cannot be avoided. Moreover, the child cannot always openly say what does not suit him in a relationship. He can say it "in disguise." For example, illness or changes in behavior and academic performance.

Reflecting on the rivalry of the siblings for the love of their parents, one involuntarily recalls the story of the Prophet Yusuf, peace be upon him, told in the Koran. Allah Almighty says in the Qur'an:

“Surely Yusuf (Joseph) and his brothers have become signs for those who ask.

So they said: “Father loves Yusuf (Joseph) and his brother more than us, although we are a whole group. Indeed, our father is clearly delusional.

Kill Yusuf (Joseph) or throw him on another land. Then your father's face will be completely turned to you, and after that you will be righteous people. "

One of them said: “Do not kill Yusuf (Joseph), but throw him to the bottom of the well if you decide to act. One of the caravans will pull him out. " (Surah "Yusuf", verses 7-10).

So, tormented by jealousy for the love of their father, the brothers threw Yusuf into the well. Where did his other trials and the main events of his life begin? Although the story of the prophets is the story of the chosen slaves of Allah, it should serve as a reminder to “ordinary” parents of the consequences of unequal treatment of children.

How did the Prophet Muhammad (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) commanded? One of the hadiths says that one day An-Numan ibn Bashir, a young companion of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came to him and said: "I gave a slave as a gift to this my son and I want you to become a witness." The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked: "Did you give the same gifts to all your children?" When he replied that no, the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Look for another witness for your case, for I do not testify to injustice."

In another hadith it is said that once the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) addressed Muslims with these words: "Fear Allah and treat your children justly." Although a violation of this prohibition may seem like a trifle or something natural to a parent, practice shows that it is the unfairness of parents that underlies many of the damaged relationships of already matured children. And the words of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), "Fear Allah" only confirm that this is not only the cause of long-term troubles, but also a serious sin before the Most High.

I would like to start this topic with an example, which, unfortunately, is found in many families. The youngest son is loved and treated kindly by parental attention, while the elder son or the eldest daughter is mainly responsible for strictness and exactingness.

The youngest may indeed have many talents, but the Almighty did not deprive the elders either, as they say. Nevertheless, the whole family works exclusively for the youngest child, listening only to his wishes.

I am afraid that such situations, when one of the children is literally “elevated to the throne,” and the other is left with only a “place on the rug,” are far from unique. And here is the question: can children be deprived by giving preference to others, and what does Islam say about this?

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Fear Allah and adhere to justice towards your children” (Muslim, part 3, p. 1242, no. 1623). Islam has ordered that justice and equality be adhered to in relation to children in everything, even in the most insignificant things, such as when a father kisses children.

Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that once a man was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him).

His son came up to the man, he kissed him and sat him on his lap, then his daughter came - he sat her in front of him. Then the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “You should treat them the same” (narrated by al-Bazzar and al-Haysami). This is what Islam teaches us! And the one who will follow this principle will never make mistakes or regret. For example, I personally know a family in which the elder was allowed everything, and the younger, on the contrary, the road to everything was closed. If the older one got into debt, buying something from the store, then this was forgiven him, and he was not told or scolded, but if the younger did something like that, then he would definitely receive a scolding. What happened in the end?

And in the end, the younger closed in on himself, and you must agree that resentment, pain, and thoughts of an unfair attitude are not the best companions of childhood. The older one was more suited to the motto "the whole world is for me!" and he grew up as a spoiled, selfish and irresponsible person. And you cannot envy the parents themselves in such families. In the best case scenario, matured “favorites” will appreciate all the efforts and love put into them, and unloved children will forgive, as it happens in films. And if not? Let's take a real look at this problem. Indeed, in real life it is much more difficult. If the "kings" cherished with such love continue to rule, taking everything for granted, and the rejected ones, at the first opportunity, break out of the cold parental nest, burning all the bridges behind them? What then?

Therefore, we must understand that the issue of justice for children is very serious in our religion. No wonder the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) paid great attention to this issue.

If we consider the consequences of unequal treatment of children, it is obvious that this inequality breeds hatred and resentment between brothers and sisters - and after all, love and mutual understanding should reign between them. Unequal treatment causes children to feel envy and dislike for each other. For example, I was told that in one family a five-year-old boy proposed to his parents ... to give the younger brother to someone from strangers, so that they live so far from them that he could not return ... Here is the result, dear parents, unequal treatment of children!

Moreover, the Sharia orders to adhere to equality and justice, not only in showing feelings for children, but also in material terms.

A person should not give preference to either boys or girls, sharing gifts between children. All children are the same.

Al-Numan ibn Bushair said: "When my father gave me part of his property, my mother Amra bint Ruwah said:" I cannot agree with this until the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) witnesses. " The father went to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) to ask to be his witness, and the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) asked him: "Did you do this to all the children?" The parent said no. Then the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) replied: "Fear Allah and adhere to justice towards your children!" Then my father returned and took back what he had given me ”(Muslim, part 3, p. 1242, no. 1623).

Dear Parents! When raising your children, try to be fair to each of them, to take care of everyone, and it will be best for you to educate them in the spirit of Islam, as our religion requires.

May Allah help everyone! Amine.

Ibragim Ibragimov

[email protected]

Informative

There is an opinion that for a woman there is no difference between her children: there is enough maternal love and attention for everyone. Ideally, a mother should love and care for all her children equally. But we know a lot of examples when some of the children in the family experienced an acute deficit of parental love, and someone was a favorite, whom everyone pampered.

In fact, there are many more such families than we can imagine. As you know, maternal behavior is inherited. And those who, in childhood, suffered from a lack of parental love, have to make great efforts to open this circle. But, according to the writer Peg Streep, and the “favorites” of mothers in life also have a hard time. In her article, she writes about what the unequal attitude of parents to children leads to.

When a child is a trophy

There are many reasons why one of the children turns out to be a favorite, but the main one can be distinguished - the “favorite” is more like a mother. Imagine an anxious and withdrawn woman who has two children - one quiet and obedient, the other energetic, excitable, constantly trying to break restrictions. Which of them will be easier for her to educate?

It also happens that parents have different attitudes towards children at different stages of development. For example, it is easier for an overbearing and authoritarian mother to raise a very young child, because the older one is already capable of disagreeing and arguing. Therefore, the youngest child often becomes a mother's “favorite”. But often this is only a temporary position.

“In the earliest photographs, my mother holds me like a shining china doll. She is not looking at me, but directly into the lens, because in this photo she is demonstrating the most valuable of her things. I am like a purebred puppy for her. Everywhere she was dressed with a needle - a huge bow, an elegant dress, white shoes. I remember these shoes well - all the time I had to make sure that there was not a speck on them, they had to be in perfect condition. True, later I began to show independence and, even worse, I became like my dad, and my mother was very unhappy with this. She made it clear that I didn't grow up the way she wanted and expected. And I lost my place in the sun. "

Not all mothers fall into this trap.

“Looking back, I realize that my mom had a lot more trouble with my older sister. She constantly needed help, but I did not. Then no one knew that she had obsessive-compulsive disorder, this diagnosis was made to her already in adulthood, but it was in it. But in all other respects, my mother tried to treat us the same. Although she did not spend as much time with me as she did with her sister, I never felt unfair to myself. "

But this is not the case in all families, especially when it comes to a mother with a tendency to control or narcissistic traits. In such families, the child is seen as an extension of the mother herself. As a result, the relationship develops according to fairly predictable patterns. One of them I call the “trophy child”.

First, let's take a closer look at the different attitudes of parents towards children.

The effect of unequal treatment

It is hardly surprising that children are extremely sensitive to any unequal treatment from their parents. Another thing is noteworthy - rivalry between brothers and sisters, which is considered "normal", can have a completely abnormal effect on children, especially if this "cocktail" is also mixed with unequal treatment from the parents.

Research by psychologists Judy Dunn and Robert Plomin has shown that children are often more influenced by their parents' attitudes toward siblings than they are about themselves. According to them, "if a child sees that the mother is showing more love and care for his brother or sister, it can devalue for him even the love and care that she shows to him."

Humans are biologically programmed to respond more strongly to potential dangers and threats. We remember negative experiences better than joyful and happy ones. That is why it is easier to remember how my mother literally beamed with joy, hugging your brother or sister - and how deprived we felt at the same time, than the times when she smiled at you and seemed to be pleased with you. For the same reason, curses, insults and ridicule from one of the parents are not compensated by the kind attitude of the other.

In families where there were favorites, the likelihood of depression in adulthood increases not only in unloved, but also in beloved children.

Unequal attitude on the part of parents has many negative effects on the child - self-esteem decreases, a habit of self-criticism develops, a conviction appears in their uselessness and unloved, a tendency to inappropriate behavior arises - this is how the child tries to attract attention to himself, the risk of depression increases. And, of course, the child's relationship with siblings suffers.

When a child grows up or leaves the parental home, the prevailing pattern of relationships cannot always be changed. It is noteworthy that in families where there were favorites, the likelihood of depression in adulthood increases not only among unloved, but also among beloved children.

“It was like I was sandwiched between two“ stars ”- my older brother, an athlete, and my younger sister, a ballerina. It doesn't matter that I was an excellent student and took prizes in scientific competitions, obviously, for my mother it was not “glamorous” enough. She was very critical of my appearance. “Smile,” she kept repeating, “it is especially important for nondescript girls to smile more often.” It was simply cruel. And you know what? Cinderella was my idol, ”says one woman.

Studies show that unequal parenting is more difficult for children of the same gender.

Podium

Mothers who see their child as an extension of themselves and as proof of their own worth prefer children who help them appear successful - especially in the eyes of outsiders.

A classic case is a mother trying to realize her unrealized ambitions, especially creative ones, through her child. Famous actresses such as Judy Garland, Brooke Shields and many others can be cited as examples of such children. But "trophy children" are not necessarily associated with the world of show business, similar situations can be found in the most ordinary families.

Sometimes the mother herself does not realize that she treats children differently. But the “pedestal of honor for winners” in the family is created quite openly and consciously, sometimes even turning into a ritual. Children in such families - regardless of whether they are "lucky" to become a "trophy child" - from an early age understand that the mother is not interested in their personality, she is only interested in their achievements and the way in which they present her.

Winning love and approval within a family not only fuels rivalry between children, but also raises the standards by which all family members are judged. The thoughts and feelings of the "winners" and "losers" do not really bother anyone, but it is more difficult for the "trophy child" to realize this than those who happened to become the "scapegoat".

“I definitely belonged to the category of 'trophy children' - until I realized that I could decide for myself what to do. Mom either loved me or was angry with me, but mostly admired me for her own benefit - for the image, for "show", to receive that love and care that she herself did not get in childhood.

When she stopped receiving from me the hugs, kisses and love that she needed - I just grew up, but she never managed to grow up - and when I began to decide for myself how I should live, I suddenly became the worst person in the world for her.

I had a choice: to be independent and say what I think, or silently submit to her, with all her unhealthy demands and inappropriate behavior. I chose the first one, did not hesitate to criticize her openly and remained true to myself. And I am much happier than I could be as a trophy child.

Family dynamics

Imagine that the mother is the Sun and the children are the planets that revolve around her and try to get their share of warmth and attention. To do this, they constantly do something that will present her in a favorable light, and try to please her in everything.

“Do you know what they say:“ if mom is unhappy, no one will be happy ”? Our family lived by this principle. And I didn't realize that this was not normal until I grew up. I was not a family idol, although I was not a "scapegoat" either. The "trophy" was my sister, I was the one to be ignored, and my brother was considered a failure.

We were assigned such roles and, for the most part, throughout our childhood, we corresponded to them. My brother ran away, graduated from college while working, and now I am the only family member he has contact with. My sister lives two streets from my mother, I don't communicate with them. My brother and I are well settled, happy with life. Both have started good families and keep in touch with each other. "

While the trophy child position is relatively stable in many families, in others it can be constantly shifting. Here is the case of a woman in whose life such dynamics persisted throughout her childhood and continues even now, when her parents are no longer alive:

“The position of the“ trophy child ”in our family was constantly shifting depending on which of us was now behaving the way the mother thought the other two children should have behaved. Everyone developed a dislike for each other, and after many years, already in adulthood, this growing tension burst out when our mother fell ill, needed care, and then died.

The conflict surfaced again when our father fell ill and died. And until now, any discussion of upcoming family meetings is not complete without a showdown.

We have always been tormented by doubts about whether we live right.

Mom herself was one of four sisters - all close in age - and from an early age she learned to behave "correctly". My brother was her only son, she had no brothers in her childhood. His barbs and sarcastic comments were treated condescendingly, because "he is not out of malice." Surrounded by two girls, he was a "trophy boy".

I think he understood that his rank in the family was higher than ours, although at the same time he believed that I was my mother's favorite. Both brother and sister understand that our positions on the "podium" have been constantly changing. Because of this, we have always been tormented by doubts about whether we are living the right way. "

In such families, everyone is constantly on the alert and all the time watching, as if he is not "bypassed" in some way. For most people, this is hard and exhausting.

Sometimes the dynamics of relations in such a family is not limited to the appointment of a child to the role of a "trophy"; parents also begin to actively shame or belittle the self-esteem of his brother or sister. The rest of the children often join the bullying, trying to earn the favor of their parents.

“In our family and in general in the circle of relatives, my sister was considered perfection itself, so when something went wrong and it was necessary to find the culprit, I always turned out to be it. Once my sister left the back door of the house open, our cat ran away, and blamed me for everything. My sister actively participated in this, constantly lying, slandering me. And she continued to behave the same way as we grew up. In my opinion, for 40 years my mother has never said a word across to her sister. Why, when I am? Rather, she was - until she broke off any relationship with both of them. "

A Few More Words on Winners and Losers

Studying stories from readers, I noticed how many women who were not loved in childhood and even made "scapegoats" said that now they are glad that they were not "trophies." I am not a psychologist or a psychotherapist, but for more than 15 years I have been regularly communicating with women who were not loved by their mothers, and this seemed to me quite remarkable.

These women did not at all try to downplay the significance of their experiences or downplay the pain they experienced as an outcast in their own family - on the contrary, they emphasized this in every possible way - and admitted that, in general, they had a terrible childhood. But - and this is important - many noted that their brothers and sisters, who acted as "trophies", did not manage to get away from the unhealthy dynamics of family relations, and they themselves succeeded - simply because they had to.

There have been many stories of trophy daughters being replicas of their mothers - equally narcissistic women, prone to control through divide and conquer tactics. And there were stories about sons who were so praised and protected - they were supposed to be perfect - that after 45 years they continued to live in their parents' house.

Some have cut contact with their families, others keep in touch, but do not hesitate to point out their behavior to parents.

Some noted that this vicious relationship scenario was inherited by the next generation, and it continued to influence the grandchildren of those mothers who used to view their children as trophies.

On the other hand, I heard many stories of daughters who were able to decide not to be silent, but to defend their interests. Some have severed contact with their families, others maintain communication, but do not hesitate to point out directly to parents about their inappropriate behavior.

Some decided to become "suns" themselves and give warmth to other "planetary systems". They worked hard on themselves to fully understand and realize what happened to them as children, and built their own lives - with their circle of friends and their family. This does not mean that they have no mental wounds, but they all have one thing in common: it is more important for them not what a person does, but what he is.

I call this progress.

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Senior questions about junior

It's good when the older child constantly asks, and when the younger learns to walk, and when people learn to eat with a spoon, and when he already understands the books, he will fall asleep himself. You should not get tired of answering these questions related to age-related development. There are such American books about age: "Kid", "One Year Old Child", "Three Years", "Five Years", "Old Man". If you come across them, buy them, because when a baby is born, the elder is very interested in it. Special developmental situations arise when children are from different fathers. They don't fit all of the above.

Gradually, the younger becomes a provocateur of conflicts. Don't miss the moment

It is easy to miss the moment when the younger begins to provoke conflicts, for example, quickly run up, bite, fight. And when the older child turns around to respond in a normal way, the baby bursts into loud, loud crying "mother" and it is clear who is being punished. It's very easy to miss such changes in children's relationships.

Not to mention more sophisticated forms of provocation.

By the age of one and a half, the younger children can already do very difficult things in order to make the older one look guilty. The presence of such provocations does not mean that you have monsters and they will have a bad relationship, this is a normal puppy fuss. Parents need to have a very large reserve of calm in order to react to this correctly.

The fourth milestone in the development of a relationship between two children occurs when the youngest child begins to speak well. This occurs from one and a half to two years of the younger's life. When the younger begins to use words, he "encroaches" in the family on a new niche - the niche of verbal communication.

The special sense of the firstborn

The first child, in spite of everything, feels his primacy, the royal position of the eldest. This sense of self will not go anywhere, and you shouldn't fight it. Sometimes the elder may remind the younger: “I was already with my father and mother, when you were not even there” or “Anyway, I was born first”. He will seek confirmation of his superiority and primacy in various ways, positive and negative.

In a traditional family and culture, the firstborn enjoyed a different right from the rights of all other children. Think of the law of entitlement, according to which the eldest son inherited a father's share capital or a family business. An illustration of this law is the tale "Puss in Boots". Remember, there the eldest son gets a mill, the middle son gets a donkey, and the youngest only gets a cat. Now things are different, parents are trying to equalize their children. When there are only two children, it makes sense to equalize. If you have a large family, then it is worth thinking before telling your children that they are equal.

An older child will always have more responsibilities

The place of life of older children is different in that they have more responsibilities in relation to their parents and to other children in the family.

The elder is usually the main focus of the parents. In our time, they are strongly developed physically and intellectually. Sometimes it is a narrow area of \u200b\u200bachievement: sports, music or artistic creation. With the advent of the younger child, the attitude towards the older one becomes more evaluative. Sometimes the elder begins to think that for his mother he is valuable not just as a person, but as a person who knows how to clean toys, read well, and bring letters.

Parents need to fight their evaluative attitude towards their older child

The elder may be valued by the parents as a child who behaves very well, but this is not right.

Psychologically, it turns out that the birth of a younger child automatically makes the child older and larger, even if he is not even two years old. This is the paradox of maternal perception: if the next one is born, then the eldest is already big. Agree, it is difficult to immediately become big in 2, 5 - 3 years. With the birth of the youngest child, the first-born involuntarily changes his place in the family. He himself does not change exactly on the day of the birth of a brother or sister. However, his place, psychological roles and associated parental expectations and relationships are changing dramatically. And all this dramatically makes the child older.

Senior privileges

It is necessary to carefully monitor that the older child in the family has not only some responsibilities and disadvantages, but also privileges and advantages. Parents should ask themselves the question: "What privileges does our oldest child have?"

Privileges are special encouraging deeds, opportunities, events that only this particular child in the family has. Usually parents call developmental activities as privileges. But in the preschool period, these activities amuse parental ambitions more than they are the embodiment of the child's desires, his dreams. A privilege can be considered what the child himself would call such. It cannot be considered a privilege that you teach numbers, times, forms with him.

If the birth of the younger coincided with a period of negativity in the older

Often the birth of the next child coincides with the period of disobedience in the firstborn. When a child turns one or two years old, the baby becomes insane, disobedient, harmful. You need to understand that the eldest child, in the first year of the baby's birth, is a monarch devoid of a throne.

Celebrate the moments when children are playing well.

It is imperative to emphasize in words and deeds those moments when everything is in order for children. There will definitely be such moments, and there will be more of them than negative ones. Unfortunately, parents track the positives worse. When everything is normal with children, then it seems like there is no need to talk about it. And when difficulties began, then this is immediately recorded in the parental consciousness.

If the older child brought a rattle and smiles, or he and the younger have bathed well together, then you need to emphasize this, separately praise the older one. It is necessary to celebrate the good moments in the children's relationship so that the older child understands that you like it, so that he has something to try for. He should know that not only criticism can be expected from his mother, but also praise. And it is imperative to suggest to the elders ideas of games with kids. For example, the elder can teach the younger one to play simple pads or a horned goat, the games that everyone knows.

A wonderful shared toy comes from a large box of household appliances or a table covered with a large piece of cloth - a house for two children. They play well with houses, starting from the moment the child crawled. Children with a small age difference crawl perfectly for a ball or any other rolling toys.

How the younger relates to the elder

For a kid under the age of one and a half, the elder is an indisputable authority, he is very much loved by him. But the older child may not see or appreciate this attitude towards himself. This happens because the little one talks about his love not in words, but in behavior. And the older child, who can speak, is oriented towards words and does not always read the behavioral manifestations of the little one. He needs help to correctly interpret the infant's behavior.

The elder needs to say a lot about the kid: “Look how small he is, how funny, how cute, look how he still does not know how to do these things, let us teach him, let us take pity on him, help him”. It is necessary to explain what babies can and cannot yet. The word "pity" denotes a very advantageous position of the elder in relation to the younger. And it is good if the baby gradually ceases to be perceived as a creature that has special privileges inaccessible to the elder, and that he is allowed to enjoy the joys that are inaccessible to the elder.

Different privileges for senior and junior

The attention of the mother and constant physical contact with her is the privilege of the youngest child. But the elder has a lot of other opportunities to unite with his mother. Your parental task is to make them realistically achievable. Some moments can and should be exaggerated at the same time: "When Lyalya goes to bed, finally we will read the book like people like people." It is a great privilege and encouragement for a senior to join with mom. Then such a configuration does not arise: at one end, a mother with an older child, and at the other end, a baby with whom you need to tinker. It is imperative that you also find 5-10 minutes a day to play games that are interesting for him, to do something that you liked to do regularly with him before the baby was born.

Simple activities with an older child after the birth of a younger child

Life shows that there is no time left for such things. In no case should the elder be overloaded with responsibility for the younger child.

Age-appropriate responsibility:

For example, one should not admit transcendental situations when a heavy baby is left for a four-year-old child who rolls in bed and is about to roll to the edge. He will not be able to cope with this on his own, he may have a very strong fear that he must be kept.

The Role of the "Honorary Helper"

Until the elder is seven to eight years old, the general rule is that the less responsibility for the younger, the better. The elder should rather be an honorary assistant.

What happens if you make you care

An older child should not be forced to deal with a toddler: “Let’s entertain the baby for half an hour!”. Even an adult finds it difficult to entertain an active kid for half an hour. Overexertion of responsibility for a younger brother or sister worsens the elder's attitude towards him. It is interesting to play five minutes "at the kid", ten or fifteen is already difficult.

Much depends on the age difference, temperament, level of development of children. These indicators are individual for each family. If the elder does not have an interest in the baby, and no matter how hard you try, joint games do not attract him, you need to leave the children alone and wait for the age stage to change and interest in playing with the younger child wakes up on its own. The forcible imposition of one child on another leads to the opposite result.

Artificial delay in the maturation of the second child

In families where two children and parents do not plan to give birth further, there is a situation in which the mother of the second child is artificially delayed in development. He is no longer a baby, but for the mother of babies and she does not rush him to grow up. This is something that older children do not forgive. They see that the younger one could already walk with his own feet, and he (the older one) at this age has already walked with his feet for a long time, and everyone carries him in a wheelchair. That the youngest can already eat himself, but he is fed, because his mother is so pleased. It is important here, if there are two children, not to interfere with the growing up of the youngest. The younger ones reach out to the elders until the moment when they understand their benefits of being toddlers.

Unequal treatment of children

If you see unevenness in your attitude towards children, you need to fight this whenever possible. Do not forget that the unequal division of parental sympathies between the elder and the younger does not cause deep love and affection. It will be difficult for an older child to accept a pet.

Competently abandon the game

From the age of two, the youngest child becomes a speaker, and he needs to be taught phrases that mean rebuff to the older child: “Get away from me”, “I don’t want to play with you”. In many families, not only such phrases, but also such thoughts are not allowed to children. Parents have an irrational belief that if a family has two children, they should play together all the time. But in real life, everything happens differently. Children will fight, but they will definitely find a friend a friend when they want to play together, and this will happen pretty quickly. Moreover, they will play well most of the time.

"I want to play alone"

Not always an older or younger child may agree with this correctly expressed request. You can teach a child to say, "I want to play alone," to which the other can say, "I want to play with you." It is necessary to teach the child to express his desires with the words: “I want to play alone”, “I want to play a quiet game”.

Permission to play both together and separately

When one of the children wants to play, parents can declare: "You can play together, or you can play by yourself." An older child should be given the initial right to leave when he is tired of other children. The “right to leave”, to get out of the situation, should initially be with the elder. Then, upon reaching two and a half - three years of age as a kid, he receives the same rights.

If the house is cramped

If the apartment is small, problems in relations between children may arise simply because it is impossible to separate. But I am sure that in any area, even the smallest with a parental wish, or the work of a children's designer, you can create living spaces, ecological niches for each of the children. Parents should be able to masterfully separate their children in different corners of the apartment, and do it not as a punishment. These rules of interaction apply to children with a small age difference.

Clothing inheritance

Near-age brothers and sisters are already very united, connected by the very situation of birth. And each of them is especially difficult, but at the same time it is extremely important to find their own face. If you want to give the elder's clothes to your next child, then the first child should at least ask permission and take into account his possible refusal. Your elder may well not want to see his most favorite things on another person, and even more so on "mommy's sweet baby." It is often much easier to give what is obsolete to a child from another family.

If the family is not experiencing significant financial difficulties, then I would recommend buying different clothes for the first and second, not forcing the younger to wear the older's things. And do not urge the elder to give the trousers or skirt, which has become a little short, to the younger. A special weight is its own, not from someone else's shoulder, clothes acquire at school age. However, boys are much less sensitive to this than girls. The general rule is: "Suppression of individualism leads to the deterioration of relations between children in the family." And vice versa: "The better, more comfortable and confident a child feels, the easier it will be for him to build healthy relationships with his brother or sister."

Features of the interaction of close-aged children

There are things that cannot be divided from a child's point of view. What is in special demand: baby-borns, strollers, cars - gurneys, cars on the remote control. If you have close-age same-sex children in your family, you will have to buy two identical toys. If children are same-sex close-age, it would be good to take them to play groups or to kindergartens so that they see other relationships between people, besides their brother-sister relationship. Children sometimes get tired of tight relationships, and negative clichés are built up in relationships with each other. There is a good saying on this score: "Together it is close, but apart it is boring." As soon as the hand of one reaches for the toy, the other raises a cry. If children are born with a small difference, they need to be taught some ways to behave in conflict situations.

Interaction rules for children with a small age difference

If we talk about children with a large age difference, when they are separated by more than five or six years, then the main source of discomfort here may be the eldest's legitimate desire that the mother belong only to him, at least for some time during the day. Younger children a priori require more immersion, constant monitoring, and tremendous emotional attention from the mother. This is how human development works that babies are much more troublesome creatures than older children.

Why schoolchildren can misbehave

If a child - a schoolboy shows aggressive behavior towards younger children in the family, then you need to understand why he behaves this way. Sometimes a student who has a difficult relationship in the classroom with boys of the same age comes and hangs out at home with younger children who cannot give him back. The point is not in the younger, but in the fact that the older accumulates negative emotions outside the house, and they are poured out on the baby. The object to whom irritation is poured out can be a grandmother, nanny, or an unauthorized third party. You must first understand where, in what situations, the negative that pours out on the younger child is collected. Then you need to start talking with the elder, trying to convey to his consciousness that the younger is not at all the same rival, you need to learn to make an adjustment for age. You can say to your child: "Imagine a 12-year-old boy who does the same to you as you do to our 4-year-old." The older child does not always know how to track his behavior. Parents should try to understand why their older one is behaving this way and gradually teach the child to track their own negative behavior.

"The younger is also a person"

The younger understands better that a brother or sister is also a person, that we are all human and we have our own desires, he is also a person and he has his own desires. It is much more difficult for the elder to get used to it. When the youngest is born, at first he cannot do anything, he only sucks, sleeps, cries, is completely helpless, does not even know how to take a toy. The elder captures this well, and it is very difficult for him to understand that this creature has already evolved over a certain period of time and has turned into someone who may not want or want something. The process of repudiating the rights of the younger child occurs in the older one from one and a half to two years. By the age of three, it ends, because the child is also an active participant in this process, but parents must also participate in this process.

How does the elder behave at a time when the younger begins to show will

With a large age difference, the child knows what is praised by others, how to behave, so that people will praise. For the first year and a half, the elder has a feeling that the younger is his good obedient toy, a dog. You drive on a leash, it walks, or you roll like a machine on a string, it rolls. And when the younger develops a manifestation of his character (one and a half to two years), the older becomes very unhappy with the younger. Up to a year, a baby and a half agrees with everything and is practically ready for anything: he said - roll the car, let's go, you will give me balls, I will throw them. The younger agrees to all the ideas of the older one, and after one and a half to two years, the picture changes dramatically. The youngest child develops a character and has a desire to do the opposite. He, the youngest, is now also an independent person. Yesterday's baby wants to do everything in his own way, and not in the way that yesterday's "unshakable authority" offers him. At first, the older child is perplexed - the toy is broken, the remote control does not work, then he gets upset, and finally gets angry, trying to return the situation to the usual tracks. He tries different tricks to make the baby obedient and pliable. But now the youngest child has entered a period of negativism, and his favorite pastime is to butt and do the opposite. And it will take many months before the crisis of three years is over, and the youngest child will be ready to cooperate again. After a year and a half, the younger ones develop a very strong tendency to oppose the authority of the elder.

What to do if children interfere with each other

Take reading, for example. We read a fairy tale that is more suitable for a younger age, and the attention is accordingly more concentrated in the younger one, and when we start reading something for an older child, the younger one begins to interfere. He closes the book and says: "Well, everything, everything ??". He is tired or he is not interested, he wants to be sung a song. We have just started reading, and scandals have already begun. We need to make it clear to him that if he will interfere, we will go to another place, and if he wants to stay with us, then he needs to learn to sit quietly, like a mouse, for at least 5 minutes. Or find something to do for him, allow him to play with toys, play a little with him, and then again read to the elder. The youngest child involuntarily listens early to long stories-fairy tales and all sorts of fantastic things and Russian classics, because they read to the eldest. And of course this is not always interesting to him, there may be other inclinations. You need to come up with such things to keep the little one busy. Give some water to drink, play, he really doesn't have to listen to this book.

It is okay to work with children one by one.

At first, the child does not change for a long time for two years.

The baby does not allow doing things that are interesting to the elder. It needs to be localized, physically neutralized, in a playpen, in a crib, in a chair. No matter how he shouted, we need to plant him somewhere and make it clear that no matter how much he shouts, we will still be doing this for so many. Or classes with another child are done during the sleep of the first. At a year and a half, the child manifests a powerful research instinct. He needs everything, to get to everything, to taste by touch, such is the strength of his temperament. This is normal at the age of one. Therefore, it is necessary to isolate the younger during classes.

Senior only classes

For an older child, you need to try to keep all those age-related activities that he had before the birth of the baby unchanged. And reduce as much as possible those trips to classes in which you take two children at once. It is optimal to separate “activities” for an older child and for a baby. For example, if you take a toddler and go to the pool or to a class for toddlers, then on another day you take an older child and go with him alone to his classes for "big" children. For this, it is worth organizing a nanny or grandmother to help. After all, only with the presence of assistants are separate trips and events possible, a separate time for each child. Parents should try to make time for classes only with the older child.

Typical tactical mistakes of parents

The first is non-allocation of a personal area and personal property for everyone.

Parents usually come up with typical excuses on this score that there is no place, that they will move soon, why buy this bed, table, and two years later buy others. As a result, children have no personal zone and property, complete socialism, even communism, sets in, and this leads to increased competition. The zone for the little one should be from birth, either a bed or a walker, he is there for some time and does something. You need to plan for the presence of a personal area for the child. A one-year-old who is constantly in research, he likes sometimes confined spaces where you can sit and calm down.

The next tactical mistake is comparing children especially in achievements.

Around two to one and a half years old, it occurs to mom to compare children. "Look, Masha, what a good girl, how well she eats, or see how quickly she undressed." Brothers and sisters cannot be compared, this greatly stimulates competition. It is better not to compare with outsiders either. The only way to compare is with yourself. If children openly ask who is better, you can answer: "What do you want to say who is better?" Sometimes a child says something mature, this is normal, a child of this age wants to be the best. Needless to say, you love your children equally. It is impossible to love children of different ages in the same way, it is almost impossible even with homozygous twins, because they are different people. Telling a child “I love you equally” - there is a lie in this, and the child cannot but feel it. Say, "I love you equally."

Excessive association of children

The next common mistake parents make is overly strong association of children. Many parents think that children's relationships will be good if they have everything in common, especially with a small age difference. Children are in all classes and all holidays together. They have mutual friends and my mother even tries to buy similar clothes for them. Attendance at the same class can generate unwillingness on the part of the older child to participate in what is offered. (add)

Starting approximately from the moment when the baby turns one and a half years old, you need to try to see in children not so much their similarity, it is already striking, especially the family one, as the difference between them. In order for their further development to proceed optimally, especially with a small age difference between children, it is necessary to find a field for joint hobbies with each of them. Each child should try to discover his own special talent, or a promising area for the development of certain abilities. As psychologists say, from an early age it is worth trying to form a special zone of success for each child, based on his abilities.

Dividing - bringing together

If you have one child who perfectly assembles a designer, this does not mean at all that the second will show interest and abilities in this lesson. Children in the family are very different, especially the first two. Even with a slight difference in age and external similarity, these are two completely unique, dissimilar personalities. Don't automatically try to buy toys your older youngest child was addicted to. It is necessary to understand the interests and abilities of the child and tune the child to the toy that he needs. If the elder, for example, is engaged in some kind of sport, then the younger should choose another sport. This strategy is not very convenient technically, it is much more convenient to take both children to the same classes. (insert about reasonable separation)

It is especially inconvenient for parents to separate the weather while they are little. But the presence of their own life, their own, separate from brother, sister and friends, interests and secrets, children, as a rule, does not alienate, but brings them closer. It is better not to dress the twins in the same way, but to emphasize through the clothes that they are completely different people. Sometimes twins are recommended to be sent to different classes. The situation is similar with close-aged children and the weather.

If parents do not try to allocate their own zone of success for each of the children, to find personal interests, then the younger child may have the feeling that he is just the second, not very successful reprint of the older child. Especially dangerous can be a situation when children are same-sex and close-aged, while the older child is capable, talented, successful. But children of different sexes often "shade" each other: a more sickly baby takes away the lion's share of the mother's attention and energy from a healthier child.

The next tactical mistake is

Overestimated expectations for an older child are manifested in situations when an older child is expected, firstly, to understand his own life situation (this is done by a mother at an unconscious level), and secondly, to perfectly master all kinds of age skills. It seems to mom that the elder is simply obliged to understand without words how tired she is. That she needed to feed and lay the baby, and she had not yet had tea. A mother who is at home all day alone with two small children may really want and wait for this understanding from the older child simply because there is no other adult nearby, and against the background of the baby, the older child seems rather large.

An older child cannot fit into an adult's skin

But we, adults, must remember that no understanding on the part of a preschooler can be required. Simply because he has never been in our shoes. He didn’t wake up many times a night to feed a baby, nor did he drag a heavy stroller up the icy steps. The elder has no idea what difficult feelings the mother overcomes when both children are crying, and she is not able to do anything that would instantly calm them down.

Little dog old age puppy

Often such a family situation arises when the youngest child is perceived by the parents as an infant for an unlimited time.

For a very long time he does not have any household duties, is not responsible for anything, and in the first place is not responsible for his behavior. The youngest child in such a family is the one to whom everything is forgiven, and almost everything gets away with it. Because in the parental mind, he is still an infant. But if by chance, after watching family videos, or remembering a specific episode from life, parents remember how much their eldest could do on his own at three or four years old, how adult he was, organized and meaningful, and how little the second at the same age, such a comparison of the skills and development of two children for many parents becomes a moment of truth.

Hello, my name is Alexandra! My question is a misunderstanding, the relationship of the mother (mother-in-law) to her adult sons.
The eldest son, having married, having lived for some time with his wife in the apartment of (2) his parents, left for the apartment that his mother and father gave him (the apartment of his grandmother, father's mother), the second son stayed with them ...
Today he is already 30 years old, he met a girl (me), and now they live with his parents. But the mother has a very strong effect on his life and consciousness, blackmails with his poor health and resentment if he tries to break out of her control. She is a very curious woman and painfully perceives the refusal to satisfy her curiosity.
Note that his girlfriend (i.e. me) from another city is divorced. After the divorce, I rented an apartment, i.e. lived independently and met "her son", took an observant position and hoped that soon stronger relationships would be established, namely: living together. Due to a number of circumstances, the girl (me) had to move out of the old apartment and the guy, as a noble and loving person, he offered to live with him while looking for a new home. I agreed, and so did his mother.
We lived (live) in cramped quarters, but not in offense, BUT, we are not 19 years old and we want a logical continuation of the relationship (together for the third year already), and so his mother, not only that having an apartment (from another grandmother) does not invite the young to leave go there and build my family relationships, but she also asked me not to remove her from worries (feed, clean, etc. I have a feeling that if she had her will, she would sleep with him, guarding his sleep.
WHAT IS LEADING THIS WOMAN. I DO NOT SEE WISDOM, BUT THE SON SUPPORTS HER IN EVERYTHING. LIKELY "MOM'S ATTORNEY" - IT HARD ME TO "FIGHT" WITH THIS. BUT TIME IS GOING ON, AND I WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM, IN A DUET, AND NOT TO BE IN THE FRAMEWORK OF THE "LOVE TRIANGLE"

Hello Alexandra! So this maternal affection guides her - when her son is perceived not just as a property, but as an eternal child who needs to be watched over, looked after, taken care of and protected! from what? from the fact that no one took possession of it, that no one took it from her - otherwise what should she do, who should she care about? these are, of course, crooked relationships and crooked love, behind which she sees only herself and her feelings and sincerely does not understand that she thereby inflicts wild pain on her son, depriving him of independence and taking responsibility for him, and for her life puts it on him - he grew up in this and only saw such a relationship, he is dependent on the opinion of his mother and, perhaps, by the type of such upbringing, he will need a wife-mother than a wife-lover and friend! do you understand what kind of relationship you are in? but you can build relationships further - even with such a mother you can find a common language - and it is important to become not a rival to her, but an ally !!! find that common thing that unites you - this is a son - consult, ask - what he loves, how - she will see that you take care of her son - this is important to her and when she realizes that you DO NOT take him for yourself, then she can also become to your side! Alexandra, all relationships develop in different ways, and they need to be built and adjusted based on specific situations, if you decide - you can safely contact me - call me - I will only be glad to help you!

Hello Alexandra.

It is important to share what kind of relationship there is. It is you-man, He-his mother and you-his mother. Within each pair there is something different, not for the third. And that is why you cannot change the relationship between mother and son in any way, and she cannot and should not influence your relationship. The fact that she does not offer you and her son to move into her apartment is her own business and she has the right to do so. She may be lonely alone. And she cares about her comfort. Not about yours.

But when you write about the struggle, I get the feeling that you have chosen the way to achieve your comfort - discomfort in their relationship. Which in fact does not directly affect the situation. What is between you and your man directly affects. And if he wanted to live with you separately from mom, mom could not keep him. And if it can, it means either it doesn't really want to or there are some other reasons. And that is why I propose in the first place to clarify the relationship within your couple. After all, it seems that the true addressee of your discontent is a man, not his mother.

If it is important for you to understand more in this rather complicated relationship - come to a face-to-face consultation with your loved one or alone - we will look for a way out.

Yours faithfully,

Hello Alexandra! You found yourself in a state of a love triangle, when the son cannot decide whom he loves more and whom he will obey his mother or wife. You and your mother-in-law pull it in different directions, measuring your strength. In this situation, it seems that the worst thing is for your son, not for you. It's hard for you to fight, to pull, and angry women threaten to tear him apart. In addition, he still feels dissatisfaction with himself on both sides. In such a situation, how to decide whom he loves more? You want wisdom from your mother-in-law to let him go. And if you show wisdom yourself, or at least mind. Better yet, love. Let go, understand, accept. Show him that he is strong. He decides. Why don't you believe him? After all, he showed nobility and helped you in a difficult situation. Then he didn't think what mommy would say. You have good experience. Maybe apply it again?

Good afternoon!

Why did mom give an apartment to one son, but didn't organize it for another?

In my opinion, the question contains a hidden grudge.

In this case, you look like a capricious girl "Bad mom, she won't give us an apartment." Why not make money yourself? Can't you rent a house yourself? After all, you have emphasized that you are independent, capable of renting an apartment yourself. Or is it only in an observant-demonstrative position? :) After you demonstrated how independent you are, did you expect that your mother would believe and without fail give you an apartment? And she had her own plans for this apartment. Unfortunately, we sometimes miscalculate and people do not behave the way we would like, they also play, but their game. And this is really insulting. But in fact, it may be for the better, because you, living in HER apartment, will be dependent on her. She will be able to come to HER apartment, order repairs, furniture, at the same time your relationship, etc. etc. And here you have all the cards in your hands - live separately and there yourself and command. How does a young man feel about living separately?