Honesty in relationships. What to do if you want an honest relationship? Honesty Questions to Ask Your Partner

Any seduction implies the art of manipulating another person. But to the one who is seduced, this manipulation gives great pleasure. But seducing is only half the battle, because it happens almost with lightning speed. What's next? If a guy constantly tried to exaggerate his merits during seduction, he must understand that sooner or later the truth will come out anyway. After all, if we mean long and serious relationship, then it is very important that partners are honest with each other.

In order for the relationship not to end very quickly, you need to not be afraid to be natural with each other, not to be afraid to openly talk about your fears, weaknesses and strengths. Most often, relationships begin due to the fact that sexual attraction initially arose. If the relationship continues, then sooner or later the partners need to get to know each other better and learn more about each other.

To build an honest relationship, both must have two talents: not only to speak, but also to accept the truth about each other.

Of course, it’s easier to understate than to tell absolutely everything. Another a good option- tell only half the truth. In some cases, this is the only acceptable solution for both parties.

But sooner or later, both partners still come to the understanding that they are on the way to long and strong relationships there is nothing better than honesty.

Honesty between partners implies the presence of willpower and various skills. Any problem provoked by the excessive categoricalness of one can be solved through communication using words.

The verbal manifestation of the problem is the automatic “you”, which is perceived as a claim. A person accuses another of behaving incorrectly in bed, speaking incorrectly, and so on, in a word, blaming the second person for everything.

Naturally, few people will like such accusations. If one always makes the other one to blame, it means that the other one holds a grudge and is worried. Maybe the first one didn’t want to offend his partner at all, but he already did it unintentionally.

A person who is constantly accused of something automatically turns on defensive reaction, he doesn’t think about how to improve. There can be no conversation about any sex when one is always blaming, and the other is making excuses. It is unlikely that such a “debriefing” will warm up sexual feelings partners to each other.

For this reason, in the process of resolving a conflict, the pronoun “I” will be more appropriate. “I like it when you are affectionate with me” or “I like it when you behave tenderly”, “I would like to meet with you more often.”

People who turn to their partner on their own behalf, accordingly, take on the solution to all problematic issues themselves, and do not deny the problems.

Manipulative people and manipulation in relationships are common. In psychology, they are also called passive-aggressive - this is a manner of behavior when a person hides his true feelings, especially negative ones, so as not to “upset” the interlocutor, but at the same time deliberately sabotages the idea. This behavior always leads to relationship problems.

It’s interesting, but recently, in response to an article about it, an unexpected comment came from a girl that this was manipulation. Telling a person, gently and kindly, what you do not accept in relation to yourself is honesty and openness in a relationship. To remain silent about what you don’t like and hope that he will figure it out on his own is stupidity. And if you are silent and offended, this is a passive-aggressive type.

Imagine a girl who comes to the store and silently looks at the seller. Guess what she needs! Well, of course! She's a girl. What, you don't know what girls need?

This is exactly how some women sometimes behave. They don’t want to tell their partner what they need, because they are trying to “figure out” who is the real one? Such ladies think that if they tell their partner what they want, then it doesn’t “count” - what will he do when I’m not looking? I’d rather watch how he behaves in a natural way. And to say what I need is “manipulation”.

The difference between honesty and manipulation

How to distinguish honesty from manipulation? Important intention. Honesty is always in mind best interests- both yours and the other person. Manipulation is carried out by an individual so that only he feels good, often at the expense of the interests of others.

• If you've told your partner what you want and don't want in a relationship (politely and gently), then you're helping him build a good relationship between you. It helps both of you.
• If, for example, you lied that you were at your grandmother’s when you were on a date with another man (or simply forgot), then you are trying to gain an advantage only for yourself.

The difference between honesty and insensitivity

Also, some girls believe that you should always hit the truth straight in the face, otherwise it’s a lie. But very often the truth is insensitivity and callousness, not honesty.

For example, if a friend asked you how a dress fits on her and it fits her badly, then the correct answer depends on whether the outfit has already been purchased and where she asks you about it. It is important to understand how to help your friend with your answer, and not just express the truth - the dress does not suit you.

• If you're in a store and haven't made a purchase yet, be sure to express that it's worth continuing to look for a better option: “I'm not sure if this is your style,” “I don't think this is your color,” “the previous dress looked better,” or “ let’s try this again.”
• If the item has already been purchased, there is no way to prevent the mistake. If a friend asks for your opinion at a party and she's already wearing that dress, then give her the confidence to feel good and have a good time. If you tell her that the outfit does not fit her well, she will be upset and will not be able to enjoy the holiday.
• You don't have to lie! Tell me exactly what you need like V this dress: beautiful embroidery, fashionable style, famous designer, thin material, color matches her eyes or skin tone. Something about it must be attractive! Even if it doesn't suit her.

Consciousness of behavior

When you express your feelings it is always important intention. Try to be honest and kind at the same time, to really help your partner and not hinder.

Naturally, we constantly influence each other. But if the influence is aimed at achieving one’s selfish interests, regardless of the harm that you cause to another, this is manipulation. If you are not trying to achieve your selfish interests, but still cause harm to another person, this may be insensitive.

Make it a habit to think about the purpose of your actions and words before you do or say anything.

• What goal do I want to achieve?
• Who will this help?
• Is there a moment of selfishness or insensitivity in my assessment?
• How to achieve desired result ethical and environmentally friendly? (Truthfully and without harming others)

This will make your behavior more conscientious, and you will be a more pleasant and desirable partner, interlocutor and friend.

I am married to a pathologically honest man. On the one hand, this creates a deep and incomparable feeling of reliability and security: this is the first person in my life who does not lie even in small things! Honesty in relationships: when is it useful to lie to your husband? On the other hand, when trying on shorts in a store, I can to hear from him neatly: “It seems to me that such short and tight models are sewn only for very thin and very young girls...” If I had been as honest in relationships as my husband, I would have hit him with a frying pan at that moment, but At that moment I just cried and decided to never eat again. As a person with bad memory, I try very hard to lie less in relationships - I’ll still confuse something and make a mistake. I never lie about sex, about sex, about my feelings (it won’t work anyway, it’s all written on my face), about health - although I know a huge number of women who deceive their husbands about “female” surgeries and gynecological problems. It seems to them that such information can turn a man away forever. I would rather be disgusted by a man who is able to run away from his wife after her operation. And even more disgusting would be a wife who considers her husband so vile, primitive and infantile that she protects him from participating in her life - in sickness and in health. In general, I don’t lie about big things, but I don’t lie about small things either. Telling your husband that your shoes cost three thousand rubles and not thirty is also humiliating. As if he has the right to control your expenses. Like you're a teenager hiding from strict parents. Or a kept woman who deceives her sponsor. Ugh and terrible. I admit to my husband that I am jealous - when I am jealous, and I can honestly tell him not to go to that hairdresser anymore, the master’s hands clearly do not grow from there. ...If you thought that I had reached top level holiness and truthfulness, then you will be wrong. Because, despite all of the above, I lie very, very much in my family. When my husband says he wants to go camping with friends for two days, I don’t say, “NOOOOOOO! I don’t want to stay home alone with the children, I want to read a book, make face and hair masks and hug you!” Instead, I say: “Of course, you are very tired, you need to rest a little, don’t worry, we will do just fine without you.” He - my husband - really gets very tired at work and spends a lot of time with the children. So common sense and ideas about justice tell me that he has the right to sit at night by the fire with other guys and sleep with them in a tent. But my temperament, which does not want to let my husband go anywhere or to anyone, has to be pushed with my feet into the farthest corner of my consciousness. The same thing applies to work, travel, buying a motorcycle, and even moving to another country. My friend (lawyer, macho, partner in the Big Seven) was once surprised: “How could you allow your husband to buy a motorcycle?!” Honestly? I don’t like that my husband drives it, it seems to me that it’s dangerous, I’m worried. But - I can't imagine how I could NOT allow an adult to buy a motorcycle. In the end, he always supports me in my hobbies and never asks how much they cost. When it comes to lying, it seems to me that it is very true to be clearly aware of who you are lying for. Who are you protecting with your lies? Yourself or him? Do you not take your child to a relative’s funeral to protect the child from a sad sight, or are you so scared to talk to your child about death that you do everything to avoid this conversation? The same is true when talking about changing feelings for each other or falling in love with strangers - for some reason this is considered correct and honest. But in my opinion, it is honest only in one situation: when you say that, say, I’m sorry, I fell in love with another person, I’m leaving for him. In a situation where you say that you love both, you cannot choose, you suffer and are tormented - this is not honesty towards your partner. This is shifting responsibility from a sore head to a healthy one. An attempt, through manipulation, to obtain not only “official” permission to cheat, but also to force the affected parties to sympathize with you. My friend told me that for a very long time she lied not only to her husband, but also to herself. She has a very good, decent, loving, handsome, smart and well-earning husband. The problem is that she hasn’t loved him for a long time, and perhaps she never loved him. She respected, appreciated, cared for - but did not love. And so, after fifteen years of marriage, she suddenly began to offer him an open relationship: “I wanted him to go on dates, so that he could be distracted, unwind, so that we, as before, could have strong friendship, but we could still flirt and have sex with other people.” The problem was that my friend wanted to flirt and have sex, but she was so unbearable to admit this to herself that she convinced herself that she was acting solely in the interests of her husband. Because her entire being as a good and decent person could not admit to herself that she did not love her husband at all, not one bit, no matter how wonderful man neither was he. To summarize: Do not lie where you can not lie. You'll still get confused and won't get out. Lie when it is for the benefit of your partner, not you. Never lie to yourself. Which is the hardest thing, of course. Frankness on the Internet: what you can and cannot blog about From Monday: Alina Farkas on why we are embarrassed to do something for ourselves

I am publishing two letters. One letter is from a man who wants to leave a relationship, but fear and force of habit get in the way. And the second letter is from a woman who asks why her man behaved so inconsistently, why didn’t he speak directly and honestly?

Friends, you can “tell everything directly and honestly” when there is directness, that is, when you are completely confident, when your attitude to another is stable when there are no conflicting desires that constantly distort perception. In relationships, everything is rarely completely straightforward and honest; people have a whole tangle of feelings, there is a desire to leave and a fear of losing, and all this almost simultaneously. In addition, it is also changeable, depending on mood and external events. Today there is a readiness to part, and tomorrow there is fear, and the day after tomorrow there is again a readiness to part, but now yesterday’s fear is in the way, although today it seems to be gone.

Look at both of these letters, although they are completely different people, and the situations are, in general, different. But for a man who doesn’t know whether to leave or not, it is important to take into account that his woman has the right to honesty, and for a woman who asks why her man lied, it is important to understand that this is not a lie - but conflicting feelings.

I will comment on the woman’s letter for errors.

Letter from a man

kasitsyn

"Hello, I would really appreciate your advice.

I'm 28, 3 years into a relationship. Problem: I can’t decide to leave. I'm very used to it. The girl loves me, and I am very attached to her love for me. I want others. I have been living in a state of frustration for two years. I constantly think about breaking up, but I can’t imagine my life without her, without us. The desire to return everything back, to never meet. I dream about her betrayal in order to relieve myself of the burden of responsibility for the separation. I want her to just disappear, dissolve. Turned into a vegetable. Feeling of rotting. She is pretty, loyal, sweet. We have a quiet, peaceful life. Everything looks great. Will it happen that after breaking up I will regret losing this person all my life? I'm afraid of separation, feelings of guilt and pity, regret about what I've done. I feel sick thinking about family and children. I can't imagine myself having one for the rest of my life. Like a drug addict addicted to her love. How to gain the courage to leave? How to survive a breakup and the urge to return?

Thank you in advance."

Letter from a woman

neko_jumeko

"Good afternoon, Evolution!

I am sending my story to the laboratory with the hope that you will comment. I don’t know how interesting it is, but a comment would be very helpful in assessing the experience gained more objectively, wiser up and moving on.

Two years ago, a foreigner wrote to me on a dating site. He has a little daughter. He lived with her mother for 10 years (not married), and said that they separated 6 months before we met. I don't have children. Love ensued on both sides, beautiful warm relations almost a year. They flew to each other, he proposed marriage and moving in with him. The relationship was stipulated as honest, serious, monogamous - for creating a family. I had the feeling that it would work out, that it would be very the right person. I am cheerful and at the same time balanced by nature, he is a serious, thorough melancholic.

On the eve of my next planned trip to him for the holidays (we had been dating for about a year then), he announced a breakup in a letter: he was not sure that he was ready for marriage and the accompanying difficulties.

Perhaps I don’t have any empathy, because I experienced a severe shock: yesterday on Skype I invited him to my birthday party best friend- and then “hand over your tickets, forget me.” She offered to talk. He replied that he had a feeling that he would lose his daughter if we continued, and that I should not come.

Then I handed over my tickets as requested and didn’t arrive - but he still came to the airport to meet me (he wrote sad messages from there). Then I rushed around, wrote a letter, and met. He was very sorry for what he had done, he didn’t understand what kind of fear he had and how he could write such a thing. We decided to be together."

Pay attention, friends (both women and men, to whom a loved one unexpectedly suddenly gives a turn, and then turns back with the explanation “I don’t know what happened”). I really want to forget everything horrible dream and pretend that nothing happened, that it was a random clouding of consciousness. But no. A person is tormented by conflicting desires. It was not by chance that he sent you, he really really wanted to leave, he took a step. Moreover, he continues to want, it’s just that now the desire to keep you has become a little stronger, but there is also a desire to break up.

Therefore, you should not run away immediately when you are called back, you should not immediately grab onto it. You were abandoned. Yes, then they called you back, but you are not a yard dog. Leave the person with his action, let him bear responsibility for it. Say “no” to the offer to return and justify it by saying that he is not sure, he hesitates too much. Let him think about this and change his attitude towards you, become completely stronger in his desire, or let you go. You should not show that you can be treated like a ball and everyone is ready to understand and forgive. Otherwise, everything will further develop in the same direction as the author of this letter. Let's read.

“And a few days later (I was with him), his ex-woman dropped off her daughter, and it turned out that he invited me to date a month and a half before breaking up with her. Then he told the woman that he was not leaving for someone else, but only because their relationship was bad (they lived separately from time to time).

After the accusatory scene from his ex, he became unsure of anything. He said that now he wants to stick his head in the sand. I offered to fly home ahead of schedule because the atmosphere was painful. He agreed, but last moment hugged me and repeated “stay, don’t fly away from me,” I stayed. She said that it was a difficult moment for us, but everyone makes mistakes and we will get through it. He said yes, and offered to come to me in a couple of months to submit an application to the registry office.

The vacation ended, I flew away, and since I no longer trusted him unconditionally, I decided to talk to him and put off “getting married” to check my feelings. But I didn’t have time. The man began to avoid communication and become depressed. He wrote that he wants to be alone now. I answered - take your time. A week later he deleted me from Skype silently. I didn't react at all. It was painful, but I intuitively understood that drawing attention and understanding from him was pointless."

“Stay, don’t fly away” - you should have left. Why don’t you believe his desire to get rid of you, but immediately believe when the pendulum swings him in the other direction? He said “I want to stick my head in the sand” (in fact, I don’t want anything), he said “yes, you better leave”, and then when he moves “stay” you immediately forget his previous words. But they are no less real than the latter, even much more so. It is always difficult for a person to say “leave”, it is much easier to “stay”, so the first one should be trusted more.

"More than 4 months passed. The bad was erased, the good was remembered, the feeling for him did not go away. I wrote to him “how are you?” me (more precisely, what was written to send), thought a lot about me and walked around “our” places, knew all the flights to my city by heart, asked for permission to fly to me, explained his disappearance with inexpressible shame and confidence that I would not marry such a person. I would have left him right there, and that he himself would not have forgiven such behavior. He arrived, I communicated cautiously at first, and after a while I believed that he understood himself, drew conclusions, and everything would be fine with us.”

He looked at flights to your city, but no one stopped him from coming. This means he didn’t want to, he doubted, he was constantly unsure that the relationship was worth renewing. There is a very strong dissonance between the fear of losing you completely and irreversibly and the reluctance to build a relationship with you. At some point, fear began to win and you immediately agreed to be together again.

“We started over. The second stage of the relationship lasted 7 months. There were different things.

Good. He actively helped me in learning my language (my level is already high, we have practically replaced English). Gave advice on renovating my apartment (he is good at this) and bought for him useful things, made some changes “for me” in my apartment according to own initiative. Cooked my favorite dishes. Asked to accept money for tickets, taking care of my financial condition(it is generally very good, but the acquired real estate and renovations made traveling to the eurozone temporarily problematic). Helped to prepare a resume for the local market. Once he quietly said that he loved him, during the last meeting.

Bad. He could forget about the arranged Skype call or oversleep it (repeatedly), and devoted little time to communicating at a distance. I told myself that everyone loves differently, he’s hands-on, he checks homework (although it’s difficult for him), he gives advice on repairs - and in this way, through deeds, he shows his love. Sometimes he could say something like: “I love my daughter much more than you - oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.”

My visits were also shrouded in uncertainty on his part, he doubted when and how (during our stay together it was good, he said: “this is the real thing, but that’s all online communication about nothing").

Noticing the small time investment and a certain passivity, I asked if he was comfortable with the current state of affairs, and whether it would lead to separation. He said: “It won’t.” I then asked if maybe he would like us to start living together as soon as possible, the answer was “no”. It suited me - for everything to go gradually."

In general, when a person says that he doesn’t want to be together quickly, then this, in general, is the answer to the question about love “no”. And you take a very unfavorable, lower position when you make it clear that you are ready to move, but you will also wait as long as necessary. This position does not contribute to a person’s love, although it may burden him with responsibility, but from this love gradually becomes even less.

“The good thing was that during our relationship with him, he grew twofold in his career. Before that, he was an “ordinary” researcher for many years, and then he turned into a manager and one of the key figures of the company. Career success gave him confidence and optimism. The topic of work and career was one of our favorite and unifying ones.

My last vacation with him, we spent a great week and a half with him. He planned to fly to me in 2 months, and then to see him again. He wanted to show me his favorite botanical garden in the spring. He still had some of my things - he said, leave them, you’ll come anyway - you’ll need them. When I returned home, he wrote to me so as not to be sad, 2 months will fly by and we will see each other again. One moment jarred me: when he said that what if I moved in with him and found someone better. I assured that I didn’t want anyone else, and that’s the honest truth.”

What should have been more jarring was the way he consoled you that 2 months would fly by. This means he knows how hard this is for you, but he consoles you as if he were a prize and promises to reward you with a meeting. Well, if he were even a little loving, for him 2 months would not have flown, but crawled.

"What is described below happened within 1 month after this vacation. It was normal for a week, then he began to move away under the pretext that he had winter depression and that he “feels powerless because of this stupid distance,” and that he is not cut out for a long-distance relationship. I said that it’s really not easy, but it’s fixable and depends on us.”

Look what a mistake. He doesn't want to communicate. That is, it is not easy for him to communicate with you, but it is easier not to communicate. You think that it’s not easy for him not to see you. He doesn't care about that. He doesn’t even want to communicate, he’s trying to get rid of communication on Skype. It’s definitely easy for him not to see you.

Then (before his business trip) he invited me to Skype. On this very day, my manager, knowing that my boyfriend was a foreigner, began asking about plans for 2016 (whether I would leave). I told about the conversation (this was our last conversation on Skype). Reaction:

1. I am confident in you, that you will find a job and adapt to my country, you will quickly become independent, but I am not confident in myself. I lived alone for almost 2 years and it’s hard for me to get used to someone. I feel like I've only known you for a few weeks. You are from another country, another culture. (I replied that it’s not easy for me either, but I’d like to try it with him when both of us feel comfortable).

2. I want complete security in my relationship, my following relationships I want it for life. My previous 10 year relationship ended in failure. I'm afraid of a mistake. (I said I need it too reliable person for life).

3. Before taking any radical steps, we need to live together for at least a month (I thought similarly, before that we lived together for a total of 2.5 months).

At the end of the conversation he said: “I will endure this separation, we will endure it, we will see each other soon - and there are no options.”

Returning from a business trip, he wrote: “I’m back, it was good there, how are you?” But he reluctantly supported further dialogue; he said that he had the flu. Later I asked about my health and said that it would be nice for us to talk on Skype. He replied that the flu was progressing and did not respond to the offer to talk.

Any “I’m not sure” should be perceived not as “I’ll think about it soon and want it passionately,” but as “I don’t want this now and I’m unlikely to want it later if nothing changes.” And then something needs to change. Don't sit in the same position, waiting for the go-ahead.

And look at what you answer him. He tells you “I’m not sure” and you tell him “both I and I’m not sure.” He tells you, “It will be difficult for me,” and you tell him, “It will be difficult for me, too.” He doesn’t care about you, he explains why he doesn’t want to. But you really want it and he knows it. So why pretend that you are also unsure, like him? By doing this, you allow him to continue to be unsure, although you yourself are confident in your desire.

“I asked how my trip was (I was on a business trip too), I briefly told him, and also wished get well soon. This was our last contact. After 2 weeks of silence, he, again silently, deleted me from Skype, this is already 2 months ago."

Do you understand that they are deleting from Skype? unnecessary people, especially without explanation? He simply runs away from you, and again you are probably ready to talk, discuss, believe.

"I assumed he had a local romantic interest (or returned to ex-woman). Within a month from the moment I left, he joined the gym, changed his hairstyle, bought a red car, and began to frequently change his avatars on WhatsApp and his backup Skype. I haven’t been in it for a long time, that is, it definitely wasn’t trying for me. In all the time that I have known him, he has never changed them. During my last visit, he was constantly chatting with someone on WhatsApp and put a password on his phone, which had not happened before.

But the other day, driven by some impulse, I went to the site where we met 2 years ago, and saw that he had registered there the day before. Same nickname as before. I previously suggested that a long-distance relationship was inconvenient and unsafe for him, and his “love” did not overcome the risks associated with a foreign woman, so I decided to find a local one. This is hardly a problem for him, he is smart and attractive. But at the same time, he is no womanizer; before me, living with the child’s mother constituted all of his practical experience of relationships with the opposite sex. I liked it."

What difference does it make whether he is a ladies' man, deciding to catch up on what he missed in his youth, or has found someone more serious, or is restoring his relationship with his wife, or is simply relaxing? There is no difference for you. They sent you. Realize this fact - you have been abandoned. And they didn’t even bother to inform about the decision. They just threw me out of life.

"After an active questionnaire on the site, it became clear that the stories about distance as a problem are a lie, because again he is looking for a long-distance relationship. Why didn’t our relationship “take off”, in this case? Didn’t “get me hooked” seriously or suddenly stopped liking him? Is there something important to me for him? Or is there no need for him to have a serious relationship now, and I was generally fine with it, but the goals were different, in fact, judging by the registration on the site, it’s unlikely that he suddenly fell in love with another woman, rather? , is in a new search. There were no complaints against me the whole time; on the contrary, he said that I liked everything except the fact that I was in another country."

And there is no difference here. Not hooked or a serious relationship is not needed at all. Not needed with you. With someone else, depending on how things turn out.

"It’s difficult for me to understand his behavior in general. I haven’t encountered anything like this before. What kind of person was he, what did he need? What fears did he quietly run away from every time? What is the difficulty in being honest and direct with a partner who is not cunning, in what funny - invest in a relationship with a hidden agenda. Is there a way to build with such a man? trusting relationship, if you behave wiser than I did?

In conclusion, I will write that he sleeps very poorly recent years three, prescribed melatonin does not help. He's thinking about something, thinking, thinking..."

What fears were you running from? Out of fear of contacting a woman he doesn’t really need, of wanting to be with whom he’s not at all sure.

“He doesn’t sleep well,” but everything is fine in his career, he bought a red car, dresses up, talks with the ladies. Don't fantasize that the person is bad shape. In a good one. And that’s precisely why he thinks that he shouldn’t hang a collar in the shape of you around his neck.

“An outside view, the opinion of a more experienced person, is important. It’s also interesting whether to expect moves in my direction from him or whether this was the finale. Thank you for your work!”

How can you tell what will happen? An event is influenced by what people do. Leave him alone. Disappear 100% from his horizon. When trying to find out how things will turn out if you disappear, do not answer at all. In this case, he may begin to think about you, remember, regret. Maybe he'll try to call you back. But for you it's - new circle the same thing with a worse ending. Find yourself another man.