Condolences. Words of sorrow and condolences regarding death. Condolences on death in writing

Every person's life to varying degrees filled with joyful and tragic events. With expression of emotions, understanding and perception happy Holidays and most people do not experience any difficulties in positive life situations. But at the same time, some people find it difficult to find a few sincere words of condolences for a colleague, friend or loved one.

Psychological moment when expressing sympathy

An occasional tactless or inappropriate expression can unsettle a person who has recently experienced a tragic loss. Most often, people at such a moment are filled with unbearable pain and are emotionally unstable. Some time must always pass for a person to accept this pain, be able to cope with it and come to terms with the event that occurred.

Some need peace and solitude for a certain period of time, while others need sincere condolences for their loss. Many of the people who have experienced such grief begin to acutely feel the falsehood and pretense of their sympathizers, so it is worth behaving as tactfully as possible and not saying too much.

The essence of expressing condolences

The phrase “accept our sincere condolences” remains universal to this day; it is quite suitable for expressing grief for any reason. Of course, to speak even such a general and a short phrase(however, like any other) must certainly be completely sincere. The word “condolence” itself can be read as “co-sympathy” or “shared illness.”

Likewise with sympathy, that is, a shared feeling. The meaning of offering condolences is to formally share the grief with the mourner and put some of his pain and suffering on one’s own shoulders. More general meaning also implies providing any possible assistance to a person in order to somehow reduce his suffering. Many cultures believe that actions speak volumes. more words, - This unwritten rule treats this situation in the best way possible.

What should you consider when empathizing with a bereaved person?

In addition to sincerity, you should prepare to be patient, restrained and attentive to the person who has suffered a loss. In some cases, it is better to maintain a delicate silence than to rush ahead with words of consolation. Even after offering the most sincere condolences, it is never a bad idea to ask the mourner if he needs any help, and by your appearance demonstrate your full readiness to provide the necessary support in difficult times.

Words spoken from the bottom of the heart can become a real balm for the soul for the relatives and friends of the deceased. And a few pompous phrases, uttered only to maintain decency, will only offend those present.

Condolence form

Depending on certain circumstances, relationships with grieving people and general event a person expresses sincere condolences to different shapes. Examples of forms of condolences include:

• obituaries in newspaper columns;
• official collective or personal condolences;
• delivering a funeral speech or a few words at a funeral;
• funeral speech on a specific occasion such as an anniversary or 9 days from the date of the tragedy;
• individual condolences to the loved ones of the deceased.

It is worth noting that poetic form is more suitable for the written form of expressing grief, and prose is appropriate in both written and oral forms of condolences.

Ways to submit condolences

Modern world suggests a slightly expanded number of communication options for offering condolences. Telegrams in the mail, which were ubiquitous literally 30 years ago, have now been replaced by instant messengers, social networks and video chats. Even Email perfectly replaces (at least in delivery speed and convenience) outdated postal items.

Sometimes one SMS with the text “accept my sincere condolences, be strong” is enough. However, it is recommended to send such messages only if the mourner has only a formal relationship or a distant acquaintance.

Social networks and condolences

Pages of deceased people on social networks like VK have often begun to be used as unique places for offering condolences. You can often see messages like “accept my sincere condolences, hang in there” on the wall of such an account. Sometimes relatives or friends of the deceased person continue to maintain the page, periodically updating statuses and responding to personal messages from users.

How ethical all this is is a subject of ongoing debate. It is generally accepted that relatives themselves have the right to decide whether they need to delete the page of the deceased. In addition, only relatives can contact the administration social network requesting that such an account be deleted. To do this, they will also need to provide scans or photographs of documents confirming death.

Interestingly, in addition to accounts, it is customary to create entire groups in memory of any tragic events with mass casualties, be it terrorist attacks, disasters or natural disasters. Everyone discusses the tragedy that happened and offers their condolences on the walls of such groups.

What should you pay attention to when offering condolences?

It is better to compose the text of a speech or letter of condolences for your loved ones and dearest people in your own words; you do not need to use a lot of template and routine formulations. Oral mourning should not be too drawn out, although one phrase “accept our sincere condolences” will clearly not be enough for a full speech.

Offering official condolences is usually done in writing, where it is appropriate to use a poetic syllable, designed together with several photographs of the deceased. A heartfelt poem can be taken from famous authors. If you wish, you can, of course, write your own poems, but they must be consistent in style and appropriate in content so as not to offend the memory of the deceased person.

Personal condolences are encouraged both in written and verbal form. The only requirement is exclusivity; you should not take the first text you come across on the Internet. At the very least, it is worth at least making your own edits and supplementing it. It is advisable to remember distinctive features character of the deceased, highlight his virtues such as honesty, wisdom, compassion, kindness, optimism, hard work or love of life.

Universal template phrases

To offer condolences there is whole line established phrases and expressions:

• “We all mourn your irreparable loss.”
• "Please accept our sincere condolences."
• “Let us keep the bright memory in our hearts of the one who left us untimely wonderful person».
• “We sincerely sympathize and condole your grief.”

In the future, you can offer all possible assistance in financially or organizing related events with the following phrases:

• “You can count on us to provide any assistance. We will help you cope with all upcoming issues."
• “We will help you survive such grief, support you and provide necessary help to your family."

If the deceased was a believer during his lifetime Orthodox Christian, then it would be absolutely appropriate to add the following expressions to a mournful speech:

Common mistakes in offering condolences

At times, words of comfort can only bring more pain when people make very common mistakes in composing verbal and written condolences. The most acute stage of suffering among loved ones and relatives normally lasts from 9 to 40 days. It is during this period that you need to be extremely careful and attentive to your own words.

If the phrase “accept our sincere condolences” is very general and neutral-positive, then a number of other expressions are simply not acceptable for cases of loss dear person. An example would be the phrase “you’re pretty (pretty) and you’ll definitely get married (get married),” said to a widow or widower, respectively. It is equally tactless to say “no problem, give birth to a new one” to the parents of a deceased child. The general rule for banning such phrases is that the future cannot “comfort” a grieving survivor. terrible loss person. During the acute stage of grief, the griever is usually unable to think about his own prospects, he can only feel pain and loss in the present.

Seeking positivity in death is bad form. Such expressions of words of consolation should always be avoided. Phrases such as “he will be better there, he suffered,” “at least his father is still alive,” “you still have other children, after all,” can have exactly the opposite effect - cause sincere rejection and aggression from the grieving person. The second aspect is that such phrases can cause resentment towards the deceased, who, unlike the grieving person, no longer suffers. In the future, such thoughts can lead to a full-fledged guilt complex in the mourner.

Other unacceptable phrases when speaking words of comfort

Some say “please accept my most sincere condolences” and then add that they understand what the grieving person is feeling right now. Such phrases usually sound like this: “I understand perfectly well and know how difficult it is for you now.” This is usually not true and in some cases may even be offensive to the grieving person. It is much more appropriate to say something like “I can only imagine how bad you feel.”

Questions about the incident, clarification of details and particulars of death immediately after offering condolences are extremely inappropriate. The mourner will tell everything himself - when he is ready for it. Talking about your own difficulties and problems makes no sense and is absolutely discourteous towards the grieving person.

General etiquette rules for offering condolences

Some simple rules will help you understand how best to behave in this situation:

• You cannot speak to the mourner in an overly delicate and courteous manner, avoiding touching on his feelings. Logical premises in this situation are meaningless. On the contrary, there is no need to be afraid of a flurry of emotions and to distance yourself.
• A grieving person may refuse a conversation or offer of help. It is unlikely that this should be regarded as a personal insult; most likely, the person did not want to offend anyone, but it is difficult for him to pull himself together and perceive everything correctly.
• You should not distance yourself from the grieving person and look for a way out and avoid the current situation. Excessive modesty should not become an obstacle to communication; it is worth at least expressing elementary words of consolation like “accept my sincere condolences for your loss.”

As already written above, Golden Rule a good mournful speech or written consolation for the grieving is the genuine sincerity of the one who wants to help kind words and express your good intentions.

It is so customary that people come into this world and leave it. Congratulations to friends who have had a child are easy to say. But how to find words for those who have lost loved ones? Just say: “I’m sorry”? It’s somehow dry, as if their grief doesn’t affect you at all.

People often say: “You are strong, you can handle it!”, “Life doesn’t end here,” “Don’t kill yourself like that,” “Time heals.” All this may be true. But it sounds very soulless. After all, when a person feels bad, he does not want to be strong, he cannot think about anything other than his pain. So what can you say to somehow ease the bitterness of his loss?

You are not alone in your grief

We asked Father Andrei, rector of the Church of the Holy Martyr Raisa at the Institute of Pediatric Hematology and Transplantology named after Raisa Gorbacheva, about this. He worked for several years in a hospice for cancer patients, then in an ambulance, in clinics of St. Petersburg State Medical University. Almost every day he has to communicate with doomed patients and their relatives. We have to find words for those who have lost relatives and loved ones. In the last two months alone, he had to bury 10 people.

Priest Andrey Bityukov:

- There is no need to despair during sorrows and trials. We are Christians, followers of Christ, walking His path. Through hardship, suffering and rejection. But we don't walk alone. Christ, who promised to be with us always, until the end of the century, sees our path, strengthens us and gives us hope for a joyful end to this path. And in order to perceive everything in this fleeting life, both good and difficult, with joy, it is necessary to realize that nothing in it can happen suddenly and meaninglessly. It is in the midst of suffering that we learn a lot: to value our lives, people, the time allotted to us. We see true value of what surrounds us.

If someone around you is feeling unwell, don’t be afraid to spend money. Spare no time, effort or money for support. A person who does good does not get tired of it. The Lord gives strength to help others.

The word of love is healing

Perhaps it is a little easier for believers to come to terms with loss. But not everyone can find support in faith. How to support such people? We asked this question to Elena Zabadykina. She works at the St. Petersburg Women's Crisis Psychological Center and communicates every day with those who are in trouble.

Psychologist Elena Zabadykina:

- you can say this: this is such a big grief that you can’t jump over it, you can’t crawl under it, you can’t get around it. You will have to go through it. And to do this you need to find the door that leads through grief. You and I can help a person with this. With your attention, your readiness to help. There is no need to choose the time when to express sympathy. This is important whenever you learn about what happened. There is no need to choose words in any way. It’s enough to simply say: “I’m sorry this happened. But I'm nearby. You can always contact me and I will help.” You can also ask: “Can I call tomorrow to see how you are?” I advise you to ask about this, because the death of loved ones always happens unexpectedly; it traumatizes a person also because he is not ready for it. He has the feeling that nothing depends on him in this life. And when you ask, you seem to remind the person that after all, he makes his own decisions.

There are situations when a person who has lost a loved one is so scared that he hides from everyone. But this does not mean that he does not need our support. When my friend visited, I called her. She didn't answer the phone. Then I left her messages on her answering machine. And then she told me that these words helped her a lot. It was important for her to know that someone was worried about her.

Some examples of verbal condolences

We would like to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use only ready-made stamps, because... the person to whom you offer condolences needs not so much Right words how much compassion, sincerity and honesty:

-[Name] was a man of great soul. We sincerely sympathize with you!
-Be strong!/(Be strong, friend)!
-He was a bright/kind/powerful/talented person. An example for all of us. We will always remember!
-I loved him/(her)/[Name]. Sorry!
-How much good she did for her neighbors! How she was loved and appreciated during her lifetime! With her passing, we lost a part of ourselves. We really feel for you!
-This is a tragedy: we are in great pain at this hour. But it’s hardest for you! If we can help you with anything, please contact us immediately!
-He meant/did/helped me a lot in my life. I mourn with you!
-He left so much of his soul in all of us! It's forever as long as we're alive!
- Our entire family sympathizes with your grief. Be strong!
-His role in my life is huge! How small those disagreements were, and the goodness and deeds that he did for me, I will never forget. My condolences to you!
-What a loss! Man of God! for him, I pray for all of you!
-What a pity that I didn’t have time to tell him “I’m sorry!” He opened for me new world, and I will always remember this! My sincere condolences!
-He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you.
-Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
-There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…
“It’s very hard to lose such a dear person.” I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
-I’m very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
-Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
-This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please let's walk this path together
- Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Excuse me! I mourn with you.
-This is a huge loss. AND terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
“It’s hard to express in words how much good he did to me.” All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

How else can you support a person?

If you are unable to express your sympathy in person, write a letter. Better this than nothing. It is customary to write condolences in your own hand. Of course, if it's not email. In addition to words of support, you can talk about those good and memorable moments that you spent with the deceased. Share memories that reveal the best and brightest sides of him.

Hello, dear readers! When loved ones die, it is a great sorrow that is very difficult to survive. At this moment, words of participation, words of support from people around you are important. But not all people know how to express condolences. The expert advice collected in this article will help you.

Funeral words

Condolences- these are sympathetic words of grief that are expressed to a person who has suffered a loss. At a subconscious level, we roughly know how to behave in pleasant situations. life situations, what words to say on holidays, birthdays. And regarding the death, we don’t know what to say, we are immediately lost, especially when we are not ready for such a loss.

For most people, such events are difficult to understand and accept, so words are not immediately found that could help a person come to terms with death loved one.

We all understand that those people who have suffered loss are so vulnerable that they feel any insincerity in words.

At this moment they are looking for participation and support, so it is important to watch the phrases so that an accidentally escaped word does not add to the emotional pain.

Sometimes it is better to remain silent, come up, just hug the person, thereby showing your sympathy and understanding of the loss.

We will try to help you choose the right words that will give the person a feeling of your support and sincere sympathy.

Your words should convey depth, sincerity, and readiness to help. A grief-stricken person will not be able to understand your long speech, so the words of grief should be short but succinct.

It is important to sympathize in person in a timely manner, send a telegram or send an SMS. But you can resort to SMS only as a last resort. SMS fails to convey the sincerity of your participation. Do not choose template texts, it is better to write from the heart, in your own words.

Find brief words of consolation and support. You can compose a poem, but on the first day of the death of someone close to you, you are unlikely to find understanding. If you are relatives, you must remember all death anniversaries. For the first anniversary, you can write your sincere poem next to the photograph of the deceased. It will be appropriate!

In connection with the death of any person in a cemetery or at a memorial table, speeches must be made. In this case, mention the virtues of the deceased.

Say that it will be difficult not to remember him when you complete a project he has not completed or when you go fishing, barbecue, and so on.

If this is a woman, then say that bachelorette parties will not take place without her or that there will be no one to borrow an embroidery pattern from. There is something kind and sincere to say about every person.

Famous mournful phrases

• “May the earth rest in peace” is said immediately after the burial or at the wake.
• “Words cannot express the pain of loss.”
• “I sincerely condole and sympathize with your grief.”
• “Please accept my sincere condolences on the death of a loved one.”
• “Let us keep in our hearts the bright memory of the deceased.”

Offers of help

You can offer help to everyone: a friend, co-workers, acquaintances. How to offer help correctly:

• “We will always be by your side, we will provide all possible assistance to you and your family.”
• “When resolving issues that may arise these days, you can count on our help.”
• “I’ll be there, count on my help.”

Sorrowful words of support at the death of grandmother, mother

• I share your pain of loss, I experience it with you, I remember ___ the most with heartfelt words!
• It's hard to accept loss! It hurts to think that __ is no longer with us, but the bright memory will always remind us of her!
• In memory of your mother, you must (must) hold on. She will always take care of you. Everlasting memory ___!

On the death of father, grandfather

• “Please accept my sincere condolences, I deeply sympathize and worry with you. Your father (grandfather) was a real support for you and your family.”
• "Your father was strong personality. In memory of him, you must show wisdom, persevere through great grief, and continue what he did not complete.”
• .« Good memory We will carry about this bright man throughout our lives.”

How to Express Condolences on the Death of a Husband

• My condolences from the bottom of my heart! You walked through life side by side, hand in hand, and now you suffered this bitter loss. You need to hold on for the sake of your children, find the strength to survive the most difficult days of your life. I will be your support. Be strong!
• The loss is irreparable, but God will give strength to survive this grief. We will keep the brightest memory of __!
• It's hard to find words to console you. The loss is irreparable, but we will always be there, you know that!
• For the sake of your children, their well-being, peace of mind, you need to find the strength within yourself to cope with immeasurable grief. We must live, your love is not dead, it is immortal!
• Eternal memory to a bright, kind man!

To the death of a friend, brother

• It's hard to come to terms with loss young guy who has not known many of the joys of life. Eternal memory to him!
• You must become double support for your parents, for yourself and for your brother. Hold on, be strong, support your parents
• He has not left our hearts, we will remember him as long as we live!

Condolences to relatives

• Please accept my sincere condolences. It’s painful to talk about, impossible to come to terms with. Bright memory!
• Any words will not resurrect your loved one, but we are always there. Everlasting memory!
• What a man left this world! The grief is immeasurable. She lived modestly and left, quietly and modestly, as if a candle had burned out. May she rest in heaven!

These are short mourning words can be sent in writing by ordering a telegram or writing an SMS.

Condolences to a friend

• Your grief is my grief. I am ready to share the bitterness of loss with you and always come to the rescue. Count on me! Let's pray together for the soul of the deceased!
• You are in pain now, but time heals, and I am ready to support you with everything I can. You can rely on me, count on my help!
• Your friend didn't want you to lose your temper. Be strong for your friendship and count on my support. I will share your grief!
• I'm truly sorry! But you have to hold on, a friend is looking down from heaven and supporting you. Be strong!

Words of support for a friend

• Friend, I will pray for the peace of __ soul with you. Prayer will help you get through this grief!
• Your grief shook me to the core. I worry with you. I am grateful to fate for allowing me to meet such a wonderful person as your mother.
• Please accept my condolences and deep respect for your deceased father. It’s hard to find words when I see you lost from the bitterness of loss. I will always be there, let's pray for him together.
• I was shocked by such terrible news. I will never forget how joyfully she greeted guests and was a kind and reliable friend to everyone. I sympathize and cry with you!

Words of comfort to a colleague

• I am shocked by the death of someone close to you. I will pray for his soul.
• Please accept our most sincere condolences. May God reward her for her good deeds on earth, and we will pray.
• This tragedy shocked us, we are sincerely worried and offer our help.
• We are shocked by this sad news. It’s hard for us to believe that your loved one is no longer with you. We share with you the bitterness of loss, we sincerely mourn with you. Everlasting memory!
• It’s hard to lose loved ones, but the death of a mother is the greatest grief in the world. We mourn with you!

Short words on the occasion of the death of loved ones

Examples of condolences:

• I was shocked by incredible news. It is impossible to accept and come to terms with it. Hold on!
• I share with you the pain of loss.
• The message about the death became a terrible blow. I empathize with you.
• The deceased meant a lot to us. Let us remember and honor!
• Grief can cloud the mind. Hold on, the deceased would not approve of your tears.

Funeral words among Muslims and Orthodox Christians

How not to express condolences.

“You will still give birth,” “time heals,” “you have suffered,” “God takes the best” - the head of the Center for Crisis Psychology at the Patriarchal Compound - the Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semenovskaya, Mikhail Khasminsky, on how one can and cannot express condolences to the grieving.

“Young, you’ll give birth yet”

1. Comfort for the future.
« Time will pass, give birth again” (if the child has died), “You are beautiful, then you will get married” (if the husband has died), etc.
This is an insensitive statement for a grieving person. He hasn't mourned yet, hasn't experienced a real loss. At this time, he is not interested in prospects; he will not yet be able to this moment to see the future that he is told about, but only experiences the pain of a real loss.
2. Ban on the mountain.
“Don’t cry, everything will pass,” “don’t cry, you’ll kill the dead,” “you can’t cry, you anger God,” “you neutralize prayer with tears.”
The wrong attitude for the grieving person, which does not allow him to react with emotions, but forces him to hide them. Forms for those who grieve an image of God as punishing and cruel. Self-isolation of the grieving person (not wanting to upset) leads to negative consequences, misunderstanding, lack of support and sympathy.
The absence of expressions of feelings and emotions can have an extremely serious impact on the psycho-emotional, somatic and spiritual state of the grieving person, as well as on the course of the crisis. Usually, a ban on grief occurs due to “sympathizers” who are traumatized by the emotions and experiences of the grieving person.


Mikhail Khasminsky
3. Empty optimism.
"Do not worry everything will be fine".
The sympathizer gives an optimistic illusion and hope to the mourner. The grieving person cannot perceive this statement. He cannot yet see such a prospect and does not strive for it. At this time, he mourns the loss and does not begin to build new life without a loved one. At this moment, he doesn’t care what happens next. Empty optimism will irritate him rather than help him.
“It’s bad, of course, but time heals.”
A banal and empty phrase for a grieving person. The griever feels acute pain and experiences loss. At this time, he does not make plans for the future, does not believe that feelings will change over time. Time is perceived as stopped. God, prayer, good deeds, acts of mercy and alms heal the soul, not time.
4. Future-oriented wishes.
“I wish you to get back to work quickly”, “I hope that you will soon regain your health”, “I wish you to recover quickly after such a tragedy”, etc.
These wishes are not condolences; they are oriented toward the future, which in a state of acute grief a person still does not yet see. The griever may perceive the wishes as a push to exit the stage of grief, which he simply cannot do at this moment.
5. Devaluation of loss.
“He feels better this way. He was sick and exhausted."
Even if the grieving person admits the truth of this statement, the pain of the loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely and painfully.
In addition, in some cases, this can provoke resentment against the deceased in the grieving person - “Yes, he feels good now, but I feel bad.” Such thoughts can subsequently become a source of irrational guilt in the grieving person.


6. Rationalization of loss.
“It’s good, at least the mother wasn’t hurt,” “It’s hard, but you still have children,” “He died because he would have become a bandit.”
Such words cannot reduce a person's pain from loss. There is no consolation in the fact that it could have been even worse, the consequences would have been more severe, and there would have been more to lose.
It is impossible to console a fire victim with the fact that his house burned down, but his car remained, and the patient with the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but not in the most dangerous form. Likewise, a mother cannot replace a deceased father, and a second child cannot replace the first.
Yes, some people were told by saints that the death of their child was for good, since in the future the child would become a bandit or a murderer. But it was said to a specific person, this is not a general rule.
7. Comparison of losses.
“Hold on, because others have it even worse than you,” “it can be even worse,” “you’re not the only one,” “you have a husband, and their children died.”
The sympathizer tries to compare the grieving person with someone “who is even worse off.” At the same time, he hopes that the person grieving from this comparison will understand that his loss is not the worst, that it can be even worse, thus reducing the pain from the loss.
If everyone around is even worse, then this does not improve, but on the contrary, it worsens the person’s condition. A grieving person cannot compare his pain with the pain of others.
8. It’s our own fault, or “If only…”
“Oh, if only we had sent him to the doctor,” “why didn’t we pay attention to the symptoms,” “if you hadn’t left, then perhaps this wouldn’t have happened,” “if you had listened then,” “if We didn’t let him go.”
When expressing condolences, one must not say or mention that the death could have been prevented in any way. This is a mistake that appears from the desire to find someone “to blame”, “extreme” in death.
For the bereaved, such statements may cause additional irrational feelings of guilt, but not comfort.


9. Hope for revenge or punishment.
The enemy is to blame - “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished,” “this driver should be killed (brought to justice),” “these terrible doctors should be tried.”
Such statements (whether fair or unfair), placing blame on someone else and condemning him are not condolences. The appointment of the culprit, his punishment, solidarity in good feelings ah to the grieving cannot soften the pain of loss, bring the victim back to life. The statement can put the mourner into a state of intense aggression. But aggression can change the goal and be directed at oneself, others, etc.
God is to blame - “God gave, God took away”, “God takes the best”, “everything is in the hands of God.”
Condolence that can shift the “blame” for a person’s death to God. For an unchurched person in the acute stage, this usually not only does not console him, but can also cause aggression towards Him.
Such consolation is suitable only for a deeply religious person who lives a spiritual life and has trust in God.
If a child is told that God takes away the best, he will begin to behave badly in order not to be the best, and adults will not be able to understand such a change in his behavior.
The deceased is to blame - “This happened because of his sins,” “you know, he drank a lot,” “he was a drug addict, and they always die like that.”
This is not condolences, but the designation of the deceased as “guilty” for his behavior, wrong actions, lifestyle, etc. These attempts are unethical, and reminding the grieving person of the shortcomings of the person who died makes the loss even more tragic, develops a sense of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain.
A judgmental person who expresses “condolence” in this way puts himself in the role of a judge (instead of God), who not only knows the reason, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, binding certain reasons with a consequence.
10. “I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you.”
One should not claim to understand the pain of the mourner, even if similar feelings were experienced, they cannot be compared. No one can understand or experience the feelings of another in the same way as he can understand the physical and heartache other than the one who experiences it. Feelings are individual and each person experiences and feels them in their own way.
In such cases, it is better to limit yourself to the words “I can only guess how bad you are,” “I see how you grieve.”

11. Condolence or curiosity.
“How did this happen?” “Where did this happen?”, “What did he say before his death?”
This is not an expression of condolences, but tactless curiosity. It is only appropriate if for the grieving person it will be an excuse for the desired conversation.
12. Comparison with yourself.
“You know that I feel bad too,” “When my mother died, I almost went crazy,” “I too, just like you. I feel very bad, my father died too.”
Instead of condolences, you should not talk about the severity of your own condition, in the hope that this experience will help the grieving person cope more easily with grief. In this way, a multiplication of grief and pain can occur, a mutual induction that not only does not improve, but also worsens the condition.
This can help when the grieving person is close, the words are sincere, and the desire to help is great.
13. Condolences – calls:
“You must live for the sake of”, “You must endure.”
For a person who is in acute grief, most often calls are ineffective and cause misunderstanding and irritation, and are also perceived as violence. When a person is in deep feelings and suffering, appeals impart obligations and determine actions, convincing the grieving person that he is not understood.
14. Condolences in verse.
Pompous, insincere, pretentious and theatrical. They do not contribute to achieving the main goal - expressing sympathy, sharing grief. If sincere feelings compassion and love are not clothed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then you should not express condolences in this way.

So that you don’t want to kill your sympathizer

Sympathy is a shared feeling, a common feeling.
Condolence is not a ritual, but a “shared illness.” We must share the grief with the person, try to take on part of his pain, since “shared grief is half grief.”
1. Condolences can be expressed through actions and words - verbally or in writing.
2. Condolence should not be a formal ritual or empty words, behind which there is no warmth, sincere sympathy and work of the soul. If there is no sincere sympathy, it is better not to come with condolences at all.
Grieving people often say that everything internal forces They spent money that should have been spent on overcoming grief in order not to “kill” the sympathizer.
3. You should not artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings towards the grieving person and in expressing kind words to the deceased.
People often think that they need to restrain themselves and not express themselves. true feelings, even if they really loved the deceased. They give themselves instructions: “don’t cry,” “don’t be a rag,” “be like flint.”
A person who experiences acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words and appeal to logic will in most cases have no result. This happens because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically. If you talk to a grieving person without touching his feelings, it will not have any result.
4. Condolences can be expressed as your heart tells you - the lips speak out of an excess of feelings.
5. Touching, shaking and stroking hands can be an expression of sympathy and grief. You can hug, cry next to the grieving person, touch the grieving person.
But you can’t use force (squeezing, grabbing hands). Sometimes sympathizers involved in grief may lose control of themselves. Despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the mourner.
6. Words without deeds often seem dead and formal. Actions back up words and give condolences weight and sincerity. Deeds make life easier for the grieving person, and also allow the sympathizer to do a good deed.

Examples of condolence phrases: “He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you.”
“Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him."
“There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget".
“It’s very hard to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me."
“I’m very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do anything for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you..."
“Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.”
“This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together."
“Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Excuse me! I mourn with you."
“This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.”
“It’s hard to put into words how much good he did for me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life.”

Support empathy with help

Before you say words of consolation:
– You need to think about your attitude towards the deceased, remember the life of the deceased and the most important points his life.
– Remember what he taught, the good things that the deceased did, how he helped and what joys he brought to the person expressing condolences. After this it will be much easier to select the necessary, sincere words for condolences.
– Think about the degree of loss and the history of the relationship of those people to whom you are going to express condolences. Try to feel them internal state and part of their experiences, to experience a little of their feelings.
When expressing condolences, it is advisable to:
– Pray for the deceased and the grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church).
– Support your condolences with an offer of all possible help (this does not at all mean that the person is “paying off”). You can offer help with housework, organizing a funeral, etc. You should not be shy about asking how you can help a grieving person.


At the same time, the grieving person’s refusal to talk or offer help should not be regarded as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him. We must understand that the person grieving at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, and be in a state of feelings that are very difficult for another person to assess.
– Expressing condolences is not only a sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. It is usually appropriate to sincerely, briefly and tactfully ask for forgiveness for something for which you consider yourself to be guilty of the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.
– If the grieving person and the deceased had difficult relationships, betrayals, conflicts, then this should not affect your attitude towards the grieving person. It is impossible to know the degree of repentance (present and future) of this person or people.

When we are young and full of hope for the future, it is difficult to grasp the fact that death is also a part of life. Entering adult life, we inevitably encounter it: unfortunately, our grandparents are not eternal, and younger relatives and friends are not all in good health; some of them may have an accident or die. It is impossible to come to terms with the idea that someone’s death will one day inevitably enter our lives, but sooner or later it will happen. We may not think about death at all, but if a misfortune happens to one of our loved ones or friends, we need to know how to difficult days how to behave in life and how to express condolences over a death so as not to offend the feelings of those who are experiencing the greatest loss. Through our words and actions, we must help people cope with the grief that has affected their family with dignity.

How to Express Condolences for a Death

As soon as it becomes known about someone's death or accidental death, those who knew the deceased closely should come to the family that has suffered misfortune to express condolences to the family and offer their assistance in organizing the funeral and wake.

Even those who have not experienced how painful it is to lose a loved one can imagine what a blow it is. At such moments, you want to support someone who has suffered a truly unbearable loss, but it is very difficult to find words that could express this understanding and sympathy. Therefore, many people have a hard time expressing condolences about death. The text should not contain words such as "died", "killed" or "death". Try to avoid dryness and find some sincere comforting words. But if you still find it difficult to come up with something yourself, refer to the examples given below.

If you learn of a death in the family of a close friend while you are away from them, send a letter of condolences. Such letters are usually written only by hand in black ink on white paper and sent in a plain white envelope. And remember that such a letter must be sent within 2-3 days after receiving news of death. If you send it later, then instead of comforting it will cause new tears.

Condolences on death, examples

“We understand how much he meant to you. It is very difficult to lose such a wonderful person. He brought us so much warmth and love. We will never forget him. We mourn with you."

“I am very sorry that he left us. I sincerely sympathize with you. If I can help you with anything, I will be very glad..."

“This tragedy causes pain to all of us. But of course, it affected you the most. My condolences. And you can always count on my help..."

“Only now, to my great regret, have I realized how unworthy all my quarrels and disagreements with this wonderful man were. I beg you to forgive me and accept my regrets and condolences.”

“It’s hard to put into words how hard it is for me right now. But you suffer much more. Let me help you somehow, to share your grief."

“His death is an irreparable loss for all of us. This is a terrible tragedy. After all, he was such a kind, loving and sympathetic person. He did so much good in his life for everyone. We will never forget him."

But remember, these are just examples to help you if you don't know how to express condolences over a death.

Real words of condolences must be sincere, coming from pure heart. Put all your compassion and love into them. Hug your relatives and shake their hands. Be sure to offer them help and support if needed. Do everything to help them recover from everything they have experienced.