Out of spite for everyone: why do teenagers make “bad” decisions? Everything about teenagers: how to understand, accept and love them. Why did the teenager stop going out?

If you are wondering why your child, having become a teenager, began to behave completely differently from that ten-year-old angel, it is better to go to a teenager, and not to the Internet. And try to talk to him. But if he refuses to talk, fine. You can type your questions into the search bar and hope that all the answers will be found and your worries will go away. "Mel" together with "Yandex" collected the most popular* queries about teenagers.

1. Why does a teenager lie?

A question to which there is probably no answer at all. In principle, almost everyone lies. And adults too. And then, if for a truthful answer a teenager can receive a portion of discontent from his parents, then there is no point in telling the truth.

2. Why teenagers don’t want to study

There can be so many reasons that it’s impossible to list them all. From banal laziness and teenage rebellion, to, for example, problems at school like bullying. In the latter case, you need to talk openly with the child: maybe the conventional Marya Petrovna called him an idiot, and now he thinks that everything is lost. But if the problem is procrastination, help the teenager organize his work: create a lesson plan together, help him understand the tasks, do not set impossible tasks (and explain that doing so is harming yourself).

It seems because a lot changes in a teenager’s life: physiological changes, psychological. From childhood to a more conscious age. But it is not exactly.

4. Why do teenagers cover their faces in photos?

You can ask your teenager (if you have one at home). But in general, teenagers’ attitude towards themselves is often critical and not always adequate. Therefore, the feeling “I’m a freak, just don’t take pictures” is normal. And then it passes.

5. Why does a teenager bleed from the nose/why does a teenager lose hair/menstruation is delayed/stretch marks appear/crack joints, etc.

There are many reasons why an adult or teenager may have a nosebleed. The same thing happens with hair loss. This may be within the normal range, or it may indicate, for example, endocrine diseases. In any case, when it comes to your child’s health, going online and trusting dubious forums is a bad idea. Better go see a real doctor.

6. Why are teenagers aggressive?

16. Why teenagers need pocket money

Everyone always needs money: lunch at school, going to the cinema, cafes, purchases that can be made without looking at your parents and without having to account for some little things. Pocket money - great way teach your child how to manage money, and in the future not raise someone who will squander his money and yours at the same time. Tell your child about the family budget, together calculate the teenager’s possible expenses and determine clear amounts that you are willing to give. And stop waiting for a catch and thinking that the teenager will spend all the money on entertainment in a dubious company.

17. Why do teenagers smoke?

Again a little about the brain. The pleasure center is located inside the limbic system (it is this system that develops very actively during adolescence). It is the pleasure center that is susceptible to the effects of alcohol, nicotine and cocaine. Therefore, teenagers become dependent on substances much more easily than adults. So here it is more correct to ask not “why do they smoke”, but “why do they start”. This is where you can really talk about the influence of the company and family experience. If people around you smoke, the chance that a teenager will start doing the same is quite high.

18. Why teenagers are violent

It is not entirely clear what manifestations of cruelty we are talking about. Putting a cat down a garbage chute is not something entirely healthy. Here you most likely need to see a psychologist (or at least start with the text of our blogger Anastasia Mironova “12 tips on how not to raise a child to be a flayer”). Or maybe your child has become a bully and is bullying his classmates at school. And although bullying is a systemic failure of the school community, the problem can be solved. Only for this purpose should teachers, parents and students make efforts.

19. Why does the heart hurt in teenagers?

If the question is serious and about health, consult a doctor. If this is a metaphor states of mind- remember yourself. Cliché " a difficult age"not so bad. If a teenager is sad, be there. They don't let you into the room - don't be angry. Sooner or later the teenager will go out to dinner.

20. Why do teenagers swear?

Firstly, it’s easier to express one’s attitude towards the events that cause powerful emotions. Secondly, a way to show “I’m not a child anymore - I’m allowed.” And look at yourself. If you love strong expressions and are not shy about using them, why shouldn’t a teenager looking at you do the same. And if you are still not satisfied with the fact that the child swears like a shoemaker,...

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Our editors often receive questions from parents of teenagers about the nature of their children’s behavior. It is often very difficult to understand schoolchildren during adolescence, so let’s look at the most popular questions and try to understand what is behind strange behavior teenagers?

1. Why did the child stop talking to his parents and begin to hide his problems?

This rebellion is in his nature. The family continues to play a huge role in a child’s life; the opinion of parents and other adults is important to a teenager, but at the same time he wants independence. Often a teenager does not know how to ask adults for advice, thinking that by doing so he will lower himself in the eyes of his parents and return to the level of childhood. Do not stop your child from testing the boundaries of what is possible. Show attention to the child, explain that you are not going to judge him, scold him, accuse him of anything, but don’t pester him with questions, just show him that he has his own inner untouchable space, but you are always there.

2. Why did the teenager’s academic performance decline?

Since the main activity of a teenager is communication, it depends on this. For example, when relationships with peers deteriorate, a teenager’s academic performance plummets and, conversely, than better relationship with peers, the higher the level of academic performance.

In addition, at the beginning of adolescence, the first sexual desires and interests and the death of previous, childhood interests occurs, which is also associated with a drop in academic performance and a decrease in overall performance. But thanks to this, the teenager forms new system interests, which includes an increased interest in the psychological experiences of other people, as well as oneself. The child begins to think about his future and creates his own kind of imaginary reality, a dream.

3. Why did the teenager get involved with “bad company”?

Teenagers place great importance on identifying themselves as a separate, unique member of society. Attempts to stand out from the “gray mass” can lead a child to commit antisocial actions.

Teenagers strive to as soon as possible expand the boundaries of your own personal experience, they seek adventure, and often do not recognize their behavior as deviating from the norm. They consider this absolutely normal, since they are very passionate about themselves and do not yet know how to adequately assess situations and their own capabilities.

The cause of deviations in the behavior of adolescents can also be misunderstanding on the part of parents and peers, neglect, lack of communication within the family, connivance on the part of loved ones, and even a negative assessment of the child by the parents of his friends.

If a teenager feels that he is rejected by everyone, and the need for self-affirmation is unsatisfied, then the child looks for company outside the school grounds. Often such companies are called “street”; they say about them that “a child has fallen into bad company" A teenager needs to prove to himself and others that he is an adult, and, like every adult, he has friends. In this company, a child can compensate for his personal failures at school.

4. Why did the teenager stop going outside?

- Very difficult period for the child himself. From within he is torn apart by a storm of emotions, which he is not always able to cope with. Some children withdraw into themselves, begin to get involved in reading, films, spend a lot of time on the Internet and in social networks- This is fine. Not all teenagers spend all their time walking outside. Some people need peace in order to find their “I”.

5. Why is a teenager dissatisfied with his appearance?

Teenagers are very passionate about their appearance and they react very painfully to any discrepancy with their subjective norm of appearance, therefore they exaggerate and invent bodily defects. “I have ugly heels” is a normal phrase from an ordinary teenager. Be patient with such dissatisfaction, with attempts to change your appearance - all this is necessary for the teenager to realize his own uniqueness and begin to adequately evaluate himself.

6. Why does a teenager constantly think about the opposite sex?

Sexual interests play a huge role in the life of a teenager.

A biological feature of adolescence is hormonal changes body. Related to this gender identity teenagers It is at this age that behavioral characteristics regarding one’s gender role affiliation are consolidated.

One of the reasons for the emergence of conflicts at this age is precisely puberty. Tide sexual energy shakes inner balance, and this causes an imbalance in mental state teenager.

So, if your child starts transitional age, be patient and try to calmly perceive all changes in the behavior and character of the teenager. Everything that will happen to him in the coming years has a physiological and psychological explanation, and it is not your child’s fault that a storm is flaring up inside him. Just be there, try to round corners and not enter into conflicts, accept his desire to seem like an adult, and talk, talk to your child as much as possible, even if it seems to you that he is not listening to you. Believe me, he listens and listens, he just doesn’t show it.

Ekaterina Safonova

At the end of 2015, parents, teachers, and school principals began to contact us, asking what was happening to teenagers. And, in their opinion, something unusual was happening, since people accustomed to the crisis of adolescence did not understand what was happening and what to do.

For example, they said that:

• It’s not possible to talk to teenagers at all - they don’t object, don’t argue, don’t defend their point of view, as usually happens in adolescence, but silently turn around and leave;
• It is difficult to get them to talk at all, to make them begin to open up;
• They abruptly withdraw and withdraw into themselves without finishing the thought;
• Teenagers quickly become emotional - crying, screaming, like younger children;
• Today's teenagers are especially unemotional in insulting people. It’s as if they are passing judgment, but they themselves don’t notice it;
• Teenagers are looking for answers to questions about life, school, communication, but cannot find explanations that satisfy them, because something key is missing. What exactly is missing is unclear. But just a few years ago, quite recently, it was possible to talk, find a clue, explain.

At the same time, many teenagers study well, can speak and express thoughts well (this is now constantly noted by adults), and go to many additional developmental programs. True, they don’t always know what they will do in the future. It turns out that today's teenagers are smart, but outwardly tough, even sometimes violent teenagers? Or not? What are they?

Let's analyze what happened and why these particular teenagers have now formed from a generational point of view.

Today's teenagers belong to the borderline Millennium-Homelander generation (born 2000-2006): they were born at the junction of generations and took part of the values ​​from the Millennium generation (born 1985 - 2003), and part from the Homelander generation (2003 - 2024) .R.). The combination of the values ​​of these two generations may be part of the current situation. Let's analyze the features of both generations.

What came from the Millenniums?

• Big words and quick action, without analyzing the consequences and talking about feelings. As children, millennials heard the message that they should openly express any opinion - after all, in our country there is “Glasnost!” That's what representatives of this generation do. For them, it is more important to express an opinion and take action, rather than think about the person’s feelings that their statement will cause.
• Passed different scenarios and levels of interaction, but they are not experienced. Millenniums played different games on consoles and computers, they saw their transformation: games during their generation became more interesting, richer, more varied in plots. There were actions in the games, but the emotions experienced by the hero of the event, and not the player, were not enough: it was more important to complete the level, and not worry. Not enough emotions when a person is in personal practice lives on himself different situations when he is affected by what he has done.
• Unclear meanings. Millennials don’t really understand what to strive for and what to do to be a good man. We didn’t have time to talk about this with them, training the generation all over the world on the test and the Unified State Examination. This generation doesn’t know “what is good and what is bad,” “where the game ends.”

What came from Homelanders?

• Little experience of live interaction: manifestation and understanding of emotions. In their childhood, compared to other generations, there were few situations when they themselves interacted with peers. Homelanders spend a lot of time with adults, under supervision. Therefore, they did not do a very good job of diversifying personal interactions. Now that they have to decide conflict situations, apologize or support the person - they just don’t know how to do it. They lack the variety of experience - how to express their emotions correctly. At the same time, they lack the experience to understand how another person feels.
• Few personal mistakes in interaction. Representatives of generations did not sufficient quantity mistakes in interaction, did not reach a critical mass of situations - to understand where the border is.

What to do with teenagers?

1. TALK! Talk about feelings, emotions, happiness and pain, care and indifference, resentment and how to remove it, honesty and justice. Name these feelings, situations.
2. Speak out action scenarios, consequences of actions and emotions for the two parties involved in communication.
3. To say that do not do to others what you want to do to yourself. Discuss interaction in a variety of formats - at school, at home, in circles.
4. And definitely in society - we need public dialogue about good interaction, about “what is good and what is bad.”

For parents of Millennial Homelander teenagers, many of whom are Xers, it is important to give their children the opportunity to make mistakes in communication and then correct their mistakes, including in relationships with other people. Those who grew up on Iksa Street understand perfectly how to resolve situations, but children lack this.

The time has come for a new big public conversation about respecting each other: in life, in literature, in cinema. An honest conversation, when the meanings of “what is good and what is bad” will appear, how to take care of and respect each other. Which will truly touch hearts and souls. It often seems to parents that rudeness, insolence, and lies are terrible; the child has suddenly “gotten bad.” Why this is normal explains teenage psychologist

, Maria Zavalishina

The child is increasingly in a bad mood, becomes irritable, sad, and withdraws into himself Puberty - a very difficult period, at this moment not only physiological, but also quite deep personal changes occur. Besides, vital role

Hormones and neurotransmitters begin to play. In the body of every person there is a neurotransmitter dopamine, which is responsible, if we speak in simple language

, for a feeling of happiness, well-being, joy, security and is involved in the mechanism that provides stress resistance. I recently attended a lecture by a famous neuroscientist, who studies, among other things, what happens to the human brain during puberty.

This confirms what we see in our work, actively interacting with teenagers and hearing from their parents. Even if the rage seems unjustified to the parent, believe me, the child yells, is rude, and slams doors because he is really very angry and cannot cope with his emotions. It is physiologically difficult for him to react adequately to the situation.

That is why teenagers, trying to increase their dopamine levels (unconsciously, of course), go outside and begin to look for different adventures, extreme things and new experiences - this is the only way they can increase their level of joy. At the same time, as far as I know, larger doses of dopamine are allocated for “adventures” than in adults. That is, the system operates with a greater amplitude: the base level is lower, and the bursts are more intense. They react to “adventures” with special pleasure and joy.

The child shows disdain for parental opinion

If for younger children adults are an important reference point, and their opinion is the truth, then for a teenager, peers come to the fore. One of the main tasks of this age is establishing relationships with peers. Second the most important task- separation from parents, separation and acquisition of independence.

These tasks are dictated to him by nature. This is the reason negative attitude towards parents, rather, not even negative, but ambivalent. Moreover, there is a trap here: the parents’ opinion actually continues to be significant for them, but it is impossible to demonstrate this openly - after all, the teenager strives for independence.

Therefore, outwardly he shows disdain, but internally he needs support more than ever. But he cannot, like a little one, come up and put his head on his shoulder - he must fight, resist, defend his independence, his “territory”. And here incredible patience is required from parents - it is important not to be too persistent, but also not to ignore.

It is important that the teenager knows that the parent is nearby and open to him. Do not take the teenager’s attacks personally, do not turn away from him, but also do not let all this “madness” take its course.

The child's motivation to study decreases

In general, teenage children's interest in everything decreases - they are no longer interested in going to clubs, to different exciting activities, the significance of all this decreases. If you spend a lot of time with teenagers, it will become clear that their most frequently used words are “boredom”, “longing”, “I'm bored”. I would explain this again by a decrease in dopamine levels - this is what can give such an effect.

As we said above, they are no longer pleased with ordinary things. Constant feeling devastation, depression, susceptibility to any stress. Well, everything is not so fatal; rather, the general background of mood and motivation for some constructive (in the opinion of others) activity is decreasing. The most actively and clearly manifested and persistent interest is communication with peers.

From the outside it looks like “he’s on his phone all the time,” but in fact this is the very necessary communication with peers. Everything else is of secondary interest to the teenager - and that’s normal.

But here it is also important for the parent not to be too persistent, but also not to let everything take its course. It is important that the fulfillment of responsibilities and compliance with agreements is supported, so that the teenager takes responsibility for what happens to him. At least to the extent that this is possible.

The child seeks to join a subculture

What happens to children at this moment is that they are looking for themselves. And to do this they need to destroy everything old and build a new one. They are trying to understand who I am, what I want, what is important to me. And often they seek this identity through identification with some subcultures - this brings clarity. The world is crumbling in their heads, the space around them is falling apart, and it is important for them to know that somewhere they are understood and accepted - this is what they find in their comrades in the subculture. Therefore, often all these teenage subcultures are characterized by the fact that they rebel against the adult world. Well, as we said earlier, it is very important to confront adults, or rather, to create the appearance of this confrontation.

The child begins to fiercely guard his personal space

The room becomes a fortress, there is a password on the computer, and teenagers treat personal belongings much more carefully than before. Not because they want to hide something terrible, as many parents immediately think, but because it gives them a sense of their own boundaries, a sense of independence, integrity, a sense of their identity. And if parents at this moment try to violate these boundaries, pry into personal belongings, arrange checks, then an even greater distance is created between them and the child.

It is important for parents to help him maintain these boundaries, treat them with respect, this will give his new fragile world stability, and if the parent is worried about something, then it is better to talk about it openly. Perhaps the teenager will respond with gratitude and be more open when he sees that his territory is not being encroached upon.

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The most common question parents have is: "Why does my child have adolescence is so stressful, and some children who study in the same class as my child have significantly fewer problems?”

Let's figure it out. Let's talk about individual characteristics teenagers Unfortunately, in modern school and in the family, the child is treated not as an individual with a very definite character, but as a person with intelligence and certain abilities. Character is usually spoken about with a negative connotation: “Well, he has character,” “You decided to show me your character?!” and so on. The presence of character seems to interfere with the child, especially if he is lively, active and strong. Having such a character, a child is able to resist psychological pressure from adults and peers.

Psychologists have found that approximately 40% of adults have a balanced character. He is flexible, stress-resistant with low sensitivity and moderate anxiety. Can you imagine, 60% of the remaining people have an unbalanced character?! And for teenagers this figure is even higher - almost 95%! An unbalanced character is also called accentuated.

In psychology accentuations They call extreme variants of the character norm, in which individual traits are greatly enhanced. To put it simply, for a person with certain accentuations (features) of character, it can be psychologically difficult to endure some situations, although in other situations he may feel quite normal. Let's immediately determine that an accentuated character is not considered a pathology. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the psyche of such people.

In total, there are 11 main character types. While there are 20 more mixed types- in them the traits of one character are combined with the traits of another.

Each of the character types has a specific “place of least resistance” - these are features in the teenager’s character that make him feel especially unadapted to life. certain conditions or situations. In these situations, the teenager begins to behave inappropriately, unreasonably, and not like other teenagers. At the same time, in other situations he does not experience psychological discomfort and behaves just like other teenagers.

Therefore, it is better for parents and teachers to know and take into account the characteristics of teenagers with different accentuations in order to understand what is happening to the child and why he experiences discomfort, leading to protests, depression, irritation or other suffering.

Here short list such unfavorable conditions for the main types of character.

Accented character typeSituations that cause psychological discomfort in a teenager. Hyperthymic Situations in which a teenager:

Deprived of the opportunity for broad contacts with peers and the exercise of initiative;

is alone and busy with monotonous work;

subjected to harsh, petty control and overprotective adults who do not trust him.

Autistic Situations in which a teenager:

Forced to establish shallow contacts with people;

forced to make decisions quickly.

Stuck Situations in which a teenager:

Under pressure from a stronger leader;

maybe offended by one of his peers.

Demonstrative Situations in which a teenager:

Feels that they are not paying attention to him or that he is being toppled “from his pedestal.”

Unstable Situations in which a teenager:

Not controlled by adults at all;

is not punished for misconduct by adults.

Labile Situations in which a teenager:

Feels rudeness and indifference to his emotional state;

has no warm emotional connections with other people.

Sensitive Situations in which a teenager:

Accused by others of actions that are dishonest from his point of view (betrayal, informing, lying);

hears public references to his physical or other disabilities.

Painful Situations in which a teenager:

Must mobilize his efforts and endurance (tests, competitions);

hears talk of death or experiences illness or death of people.

Pedantic Situations in which a teenager:

Must make a decision, act quickly, choose;

subject to increased stress and responsibility placed on him by loved ones.

Conformal Situations in which a teenager:

He finds himself in a situation of changing stereotypes, in a society of people with unusual ideas, lifestyles and manners.

How teenagers with different accentuations show their protest is in the next article.

Prudence and peace of mind to you, dear reader!