Why unrequited love is dangerous: how to put an end to it and experience this feeling. How to distinguish love from infatuation, or the dangers of holiday romances

Answered these and other questions psychologist, candidate of sociological sciences Anetta Orlova.

“AiF”: - Are there time periods after which crises in relationships occur?

A.O.: - There are certain periods in which couples face problems. For example, a man and a woman meet, they begin to form a premarital period in order to accumulate joint positive experiences, which will then help overcome crisis points. They decided to start a family, they have a common space. Previously there was ME and HE, but suddenly it was formed - WE. In this WE need to distribute roles: who will throw out the garbage, earn money, go to the store - that is, the space changes, division begins into who will do what, what is the order of relationships in this family, who has what roles, status, hierarchy , human boundaries. This year is very difficult. The more accumulated positive experiences during the premarital period, the better this time goes. According to statistics, it is good when couples have known each other for 1-1.5 years before marriage. The luggage has been accumulated, the sexual attractiveness index is still high, they already know each other more. Then these crises pass more easily.

The second crisis begins when the child arrives. The previous agreement, which the spouses agreed upon when they began to live together, is invalid because new person, which is embedded between the pair. Husband and wife seem to become further apart. Two systems are formed: parental and childish. In this system, the couple seems to become stronger, but further apart. The next crisis comes when baby is coming to school, the family framework is divided, expanded, and a lot of external communications are needed.

Then - teenage years in children, the period of an empty nest, when the children have grown up and the parents understand that they were parents, but were not husband and wife as such, they become strangers to each other. There are many such periods.

Civil marriage

“AiF”: - Now many couples begin to live together before marriage in order to test their feelings. But sometimes it turns out that young people have completely different interests and needs in life, while they love each other. What to do in such a situation and how to save the relationship?

A.O.: - Most often, what stands in the way of understanding each other is different image life, different worlds. If a man is already ready for marriage, and the girl is still more interested in leisure outside the home, then the man should take care of his own world. It happens that you want to conquer certain heights, have fewer obligations, but a man is already ready to take on obligations and wants her to do the same.

In such a situation, I would now recommend that the man try to find the hobbies that he wants to engage in, or try as a couple to do something together, for example, go hiking together, where he could show his masculinity. When it comes to art, men do not like to create as much as women; they prefer to contemplate.

It happens that a man at home likes to lie on the sofa, and the girl understands that she cannot live like that - it is very boring. One sexual attractiveness at night it is not enough when people live together. You need to develop all the time in order to be interesting to your partner.

"AiF": - They say: than smaller woman we love, the more she likes us. Do you agree with thiswording?

A.O.: - There are women who like to look like an easy victim, worry, and see the downsides. There are women who, in fact, will not be able to attract the attention of a man at all and enter into communication if they have some suspicion that this is not the most important love of her life. For example, it is always important for me to feel myself main love in life, then I agree to invest in this relationship. I need to know that I am not just the only one, but that I am separate from others. All women are different, no matter how much you want, you cannot dissolve completely.

Financial crisis

"AiF": - Financial crisis affected many families. How to survive economic difficulties in the family?

A.O.: - In a specific situation, a man may have some problems with earning money. Do not under any circumstances diminish its merits. The wife needs to support her husband so that he has an incentive. It is clear that in mature age a person begins to evaluate his life, worry about what will happen next. I would advise a man to try to take care of himself and his emotional state. IN in this case emotional condition affects, among other things, earnings.

As soon as the mood improves, the man starts to rise, he feels that his partner needs him, and everything he does, he does for the sake of the woman. If a woman does not need this, then the man will have apathy, he will not know for whom to do this. In this case, there is a daughter, a family, a desire to save her. What is needed here is a dialogue between the two partners.

"AiF": - If in crisis situation a woman turns away from a man, can this be called betrayal?

A.O.: - Human life– this is a very complex palette. It is important how much this man earned, how he earned, how the woman helped him, how she inspired him. One situation is when he was a tycoon, she married him, and suddenly he went bankrupt. The situation is completely different when they got married, gave birth to a child, and over the long term he is unable to support his family, as they are used to.

Of course, her anxiety and discomfort will increase. The child is small, she will “nag” him, but this does not mean that this is a betrayal, perhaps the person cannot cope with the situation, does not know how to support, and to some extent selfishness may arise. But we cannot definitely call this a betrayal, since we do not know the background.

A holiday romance

“AiF”: - How do you assess the situation when a man leaves the family for another woman? Especially if there are children in the family.

A.O.: - A person comes into this world to be happy. The most precious thing we can give our children is happy parents who care and worry about them. If a man rushes between two women, the compromise will be destructive for everyone. If there are no feelings, and the wife is beautiful, the child is already an adult, then she has a chance to arrange her life and not with any discounts.

What's the point of living with a person who doesn't love you? Parent function holds? I think it's possible to be great parent, even if you don't live with your child. It all depends on how much time and space you are willing to devote to this child. You can be such a dad that the child will only dream that dad will go somewhere. You don’t have to live in the same house, and dad will be the most beloved. Everything depends on the wisdom of a woman, on the understanding and kindness of a man, on new relationships. A very important point here is to talk it all over with future wife so that the child is not a bargaining chip in the relationship. It seems to me that the truth will always be better here. And regarding what relatives, friends, colleagues and religious leaders will say, I will say this: we live once, no one has the right to dictate to us how to do it.

You can live for someone, but at the same time you will take revenge on the person you live with in such a way that it will not be easy for him at all. Therefore, stereotypes are stereotypes, but if you can’t bear it, you need to think about yourself. But it seems to me that here is one of the very important issues– this is a matter of contradiction.

Often the material issue in the context of separation comes to the fore. Here we get responsibility for two families - fear. A man is even afraid to get married once, precisely because there is a fear of not being able to feed his family. And then he understands: a second family, the girl will immediately want a child - these are additional obligations.

"AiF": - Can a holiday romance change your life?

A.O.: - It seems to me that if a person makes serious decisions after a holiday romance, then perhaps he simply has poor control over his emotional background. It is important to remember that being in love is not love at all. Passion and emotional attachment may arise.

There are people who love, but not with love. The object of love becomes so desirable that the man cannot see himself separately from this object. Everything around that interferes with this unity is destroyed.

"AiF": - It happens that ex-spouses they start dating again, their feelings awaken again. What to do in such a situation? Should I break up with the person completely or try again to build a relationship with him?

A.O.: - You must always play by the rules that you set on the opponent’s field. Use his words and his territory. You shouldn’t answer him when he wants you to answer him when he calls you affectionate nickname. It’s worth thinking about the fact that you also need to call someone else by an affectionate nickname. Some men need their woman to be wanted, desired, loved by other men. They cannot be in a stable, calm attitude. They need some external stimulation, so the courtship process can be attractive. They conquer - it turned out - boring.

Remember that a man should occupy exactly as much space in your life as he is willing to give you in HIS life. Once a man feels that a woman is not giving him as much space as he wants, she will have the opportunity to demonstrate that he is not giving her that space either.

Usually a man declares freedom when he believes that his partner is completely dependent on him. He needs freedom for himself. But I believe that everything depends on the game the partners play.

When elderly couple, despite all the vagaries of fate, lives in love and harmony for several decades, having gotten married at twenty-five and never separated, they immediately talk about love for life. This is cool. However, love is different. If it is not mutual, it will only ruin your existence. Why is lifelong love dangerous?

Hopelessness

Your friends got married a long time ago, but you are still single. You have a chosen one, and you feel good together, but he is married. Moreover, you know that he is not free, because he honestly told you about it and gave you a choice - to be completely alone or to be with him, not hoping that he will leave his wife, because he will not leave her.

However, behind this apparent freedom of choice lies hopelessness. On the one hand, you really have the right to choose, on the other hand, you have low self-esteem. Self-doubt creates fear of completing these hopeless relationship. In addition, you are afraid that you cannot build new relationships with anyone else. Dangerous situation, from which you need to get out as soon as possible, otherwise you will suffer all your life because of unhappy love.

Hope and believe

You have enough fans, many men desire you, but your heart is given to only one of them. You are talented, educated, interesting from all sides, but you love a man who is not too keen on a serious relationship. Moreover, he soon leaves you with some overly ambitious person, because he is not ready for something more serious than ordinary flirting. You wait, hope and believe that he will return.

So in suffering and nutrition false hope many years pass, but the man whom you never stopped loving, despite the fact that you have not seen him for a long time, suddenly appears on the doorstep asking you to forgive him and marry him. He's ripe for serious relationship, and you happily embrace the wanderer. The end of the story - everyone is fine, everyone is happy. But everything could have ended completely differently: you could have spent the rest of your life unsuccessfully suffering and loving, loving and suffering.

Bad guy

Girls love bad boys - it's fashionable now. When sweet young princesses grow into adult ladies, they usually outgrow the period of love bad guys, and begin to look for suitable candidates for Serious relationships. If you fell so much in love with your bad boy that even after many years you don’t want to be with someone else, uh This could deprive you of your last chance at happiness in your personal life. He will torment you, and you, in turn, will endure everything and forgive him everything, in vain. If there is no reciprocity, if you don’t notice it, then it’s better to leave such a man as soon as possible.

Love is evil - you will love the horned and bearded one, modern times tell us. They say that unrequited love is like a brick on your head, and it falls because playful Cupid is standing around the corner and shooting Amur’s arrows randomly: whoever hits it is in the game. It’s as if we get stuck in love itself, just like in the dirt that we didn’t notice on the asphalt. They shrugged off responsibility for one of the most important elections life and told their own heart: choose for yourself, and then how lucky you are. Well, we don’t want to believe that it’s more likely that you’ll get a brick your head will fall, if you are on a construction site, and even without a helmet, you will walk.

Many girls even develop a stable habit of constantly falling in love with the wrong men, who have either been busy for a long time or are unattainable. certain reasons, or simply do not plan to issue a response. In any case, you need to realize that a man’s choice should at least not be worse choice car: you shouldn’t take a car just because red is your favorite color. During the test drive, even a potentially desirable model may be put off by its inconvenient controls, unusual dimensions, or you may simply realize that you imagined your interaction differently.

As soon as you realize that you are gradually getting caught up in something that threatens to become unrequited, immediately block your imagination and inadequate impulses towards the object and rush into reverse side, yes further away. Because there are at least six good reasons do not include unrequited love in the scenario of your life!

You lower your self-esteem

Literally, you are drowning in unrequited love self-confidence, in one’s own attractiveness and femininity. Moreover, you definitely cannot control or slow down this process - it moves by leaps and bounds in parallel with the intensification of your feelings for the unwanted object. Now you are already clutching your head, groaning that you are not beautiful, attractive and sexy enough to attract attention. specific man.

What's wrong with you? Apparently, absolutely everything is wrong, including the stupid hairstyle, the terrible potato nose and the height of a meter in jumping! Internal logic sums up the correctness of your thoughts, because if everything with you had not been so bad, he would already be walking next to you, holding your hand.

You're wasting your time

The most valuable thing in the life of each of us is our precious time, which in the case of unrequited love flows into literally through your fingers. Even with mutual sympathy you sometimes cannot get guarantees of a good outcome of the relationship, and at the same time, confidence in what you have done right choice. After a while, you can just as easily become disappointed in a man or simply realize that your paths have diverged - and this is also wasted time. But if in this case we often gain experience and learn to avoid mistakes so as not to step on a rake at least three times, then in the case of a useless pursuit of a man who is not our dream, we waste days, months, or even years absolutely in vain.

You don't really know the person

Unrequited love rarely gives the hostage of his feelings the opportunity to really get to know the person well. Therefore, hopelessly in love creates for themselves their own picture of mythical illusory happiness together, where they endow the object of desire with those wonderful qualities that it most likely does not possess at all. When you don't pass classic script first acquaintance, and then closer communication with a man, you have no idea what he might be like in specific situations how he is able to react, how his character manifests itself in relationships. Feelings that have not received a return create ideal soil for building castles in the air, fueling dreams with fantasy conjectures and dreams in the spirit of “what if someday he will notice.”

They might just take advantage of you

IN classic version right relationship a man always appears in the form of a breadwinner and hunter, and later a breadwinner, and a woman is first an object requiring conquests and exploits, and then a guardian hearth and home and family happiness.

In a scenario that is realized under the influence of unrequited love, role inversion occurs. A warrior woman takes the initiative into her own hands, ready for any pleasures, demands and potential whims of a particular man. And it's good if she fell in love with worthy man who will prefer this awkward situation do not see. IN otherwise A girl who is “ready for anything” will easily be taken advantage of in every possible sense.

In such a situation, scraping your dignity off the asphalt is much more difficult, and coming to your senses and starting to live again is even more difficult than when things just didn’t work out for you.

You're misdirecting your energy

We tend to pay more attention to those things that are difficult to implement or inaccessible. Getting what you want becomes a priority, and, accordingly, all strength and emotions are rushed to accept this challenge.

You can spend hours following the target on social networks, tracking his “adventures” through the accounts of competitors. You are able to recognize him secret desires And with a magic wand bring them to life, begging for drops of his precious attention. You become capable of ruining your gorgeous blonde hair, if you observe his interest in brunettes.

In a word, you concentrate your entire flow of energy on single-tasking, throwing such things out of your life. important points, like work, sports, hobbies and even meeting with friends. Needless to say, the results of retreating into one’s own fantasies can be very unpleasant.

You are developing a habit of choosing the wrong men.

And finally, the painful irresponsibility in trying to gain male recognition can create in you a persistent need to suffer. The brain begins to evaluate “love”, comparing emotions with the level of suffering, and if the pangs of passion for the object do not go off scale, then the head will sum it up - yes, this is not a real feeling at all, but just that. This means that it may also happen bad habit constantly run into mistakes, so much so that they are permanently imprinted on your forehead - in the sense that life, as if according to a script, will introduce you to exclusively indifferent men, with traits that are not suitable for you, with which your future cannot be guaranteed to work out. You're used to this!

What is love spell? And is it possible to invoke the help of a love spell ritual? true feelings? Let's try to figure out what a person feels. And we will find out what the consequences of love spell magic are.

Love spell is a type magical influence, with the help of which the will of a person is suppressed. This happens artificial creation feelings, a powerful attachment arises.

Love spell works on energy connections between people. In ordinary relationships they are created naturally- people think about each other, experience sincere feelings, so the connection between them is constantly fueled by positive energy.

If there are no emotions, then traditional ways it is impossible to create them, because true love arises on its own. A love spell helps to intervene in a person’s consciousness and simulate feelings reminiscent of love attraction.

In reality, a bewitched person does not fall in love. Thanks to the intervention in his consciousness, he begins to experience the following emotions:

1. Strong physical attraction. A bewitched man stops noticing other women. The only attractive sexual object is the one who bewitched him
2. Constant thoughts about the object of passion. A man forgets about business, hobbies, and friends. His entire consciousness is directed towards the desire to be close to the woman who has bewitched him.
3. A one-way connection arises - while the bewitched man spends his entire energy only on the object of the love spell, the girl is filled with this energy. This is dangerous because the consciousness of the bewitched person becomes sick, he abandons all other matters and ceases to receive joy from life if his beloved is not around.

Thus, love spell love is a type of severe addiction, sick feelings that are unlikely to bring joy to anyone. That is why it is not recommended to use love spell rituals - they have colossal consequences.

Consequences of a love spell

It is important to know what consequences love spells have in order to be prepared for the troubles that this ritual certainly entails.

Consequences for the bewitched

In relation to a bewitched person, the consequences are obvious and manifest themselves directly. They are as follows:

• The bewitched person's relationships with others, especially with close people, deteriorate. They feel that something is wrong with him, but cannot determine the reason. Because of this, conflicts often arise
• Arrest in development, lack of motivation to do something. All a man’s thoughts are concentrated on the woman who has bewitched him. He stops paying attention to work and hobbies, he loses the incentive to develop and become successful. All thoughts are about one thing: “I want to be close to her, but I don’t need anything else.”
• Health problems. Human health directly depends on the state of his energy shell. And as a result of magical intervention, energy connections are disrupted, so the bewitched person begins to waste away and get sick
• The emergence of dependencies. If the love spell ritual is performed incorrectly, you can force a man to become dependent not only on the object of passion, but also on other, more dangerous things. Over time, he may turn into an alcoholic, drug addict, or become addicted to computer games or gambling.
• Lack of interest in life. The bewitched person feels that something wrong is happening to him: he stops enjoying his favorite things, and suicidal thoughts appear. In severe cases, it can even end in suicide

Take these consequences into account if you decide to make a love spell - is it worth the candle? Are you ready to cause such harm to the man you love? For real loving woman will never dare to harm her lover so much.

Negative consequences often arise due to the fact that the girl performing the ritual does not act in accordance with good purposes, but out of a feeling of revenge, resentment, anger. She is also somewhat dependent and is ready to do anything to be close to her chosen one. ABOUT true love there is no need to talk.

Love spell love is unlikely to bring true happiness to one of the parties.

Consequences for the one who bewitched

The consequences for a girl who decides to cast a love spell can also be very unpleasant. Although this harm is indirect, it is quite serious:

• Despite the fact that the man will be strongly attracted to you, his character will noticeably deteriorate. He can become a real tyrant - torment you mentally or even beat you, releasing negative emotions, the reason for which he does not understand
• A man will not experience love, but only physical attraction. He is unlikely to take responsibility over you, take care of you and protect you from all problems. You can count on regular meetings, but not true love
• A man can become overly intrusive to the point that you find yourself unable to get rid of his intrusive attention. At one point you will decide to end this relationship, but it won’t work out - the bewitched person will begin to pursue you and prevent you from building a relationship with someone else

Watch the video about why you shouldn’t cast a love spell:

Absolutely all magicians and fortune tellers advise you to think carefully before deciding on a love spell ritual. The consequences can be very disappointing. It’s better to wait for that man who will sincerely love you without any interference in his consciousness. Only with such a person can you be truly happy and build a harmonious relationship.

Why is lifelong love dangerous?

“Know how to cherish love.” Over the years - doubly appreciate it? These lines, familiar to us from childhood, take on some sinister meaning when it comes to those cases when love is too expensive. Because she is alone. For life.

Have you ever thought about why we dream of just one Great love, which will last forever and serve as a model and example for posterity and become the envy of others? We all need stability. No tears into your pillow at night, no traditional theater weekends with a friend, as dreary as premieres - we go solely to “go out” at least sometimes. And God be with him - rich experience. Simple math: one woman needs one man. Then what do you say if this one man comes with the entire above-mentioned unpleasant set? And it is impossible to stop loving. We are monogamous.

Right to make mistakes

It all started almost like a fairy tale. Three girls under the window, three school friends Natasha, Lena and Lyuda, dreamed about how they would choose a loved one, and fantasized about who would get married first. Everything is as usual with girls. But the fairy tale still doesn’t have an end. Lena was the first to get married, gave birth to two children, and in defiance of those who believe that premature youth marriages are not best choice, lives with her husband in peace and harmony and knows no grief. Natasha went to the capital to pursue a career, got married three times and realized that this was not the limit for a successful businesswoman. But Luda still cannot get married for the simple reason that the chosen one was already married at the time of their acquaintance. This story has been going on for 10 years, during which time many people’s tears have flowed, which over time turned into water and finally dried up. It is known that a person gets used to everything, and it is simply impossible to cry like a beluga for 10 years. The most offensive thing is that she has nothing to expect, because our hero openly warned her at the very beginning that he does not plan to get a divorce and gave her the right to choose freedom and search for another candidate. However, Luda did not want to take advantage of this right. Or haven't you decided?

Commented by Maria Razbash – psychologist , leading trainer of the Center for Positive Psychology A. Sviyash: “Unfortunately, this situation occurs quite often. Behind such “hopelessness”, as a rule, this is what is hidden. A woman is in a “trap”: on the one hand, she is not deceived and she has a choice, on the other hand, low self-esteem and uncertainty create panic fear to end this relationship and the belief that she will not be able to create new ones with anyone else. “The love of your life” is a screen that hides this fear. If the relationship lasts 10 years, then everyone is happy with it. And not only a man, but also a woman who does not hope to realize her real desires and become happy. Which exit? Take responsibility for the events of your life. “Let go” and end unsatisfying relationships in order to get a full opportunity to start your new story.”

Talents and fans

We all respected and... pitied Lilya. A gifted girl, a graduate of the literary institute, winner of regional awards and grants in children's literature and size four Bust, by the way, wrote children's fairy tales on long winter evenings, at the same time shedding tears over her absolutely non-fairytale love story. Misha abandoned her. Treacherous, insidious and cruel. After three years civil marriage By mutual love and with agreement, the young playwright decided to radically change his personal life due to the sudden change in his creative life. They dreamed of bringing literature to the masses together, and Misha went off to pick the fruits of the sweet berry of fame in the company of socialite with the telling surname Koldovskikh. She was not endowed with writing talent, but she loved and knew how to make the profitable contacts Misha needed. Unlike Lily, who is quiet and homely, who dreams of giving birth to three rosy-cheeked babies who will fall asleep listening to their mother’s magical stories. Seven difficult years Lilya fought her grief as best she could. She got married, got divorced, plunged headlong into novels with gray-haired classics and contemporaries and...continued to write fairy tales and love Misha. And at the end of this symbolic cycle, Misha, just as unexpectedly as he left, returned to her immediately with a beautiful, expensive (he could already afford) wedding ring and a plea for forgiveness. I don’t know if she has time to write now, since caring for two of the planned trio of little ones, born one after the other, takes up quite a lot of time. But Misha's affairs are now in in perfect order: now he believes not in “witchcraft” spells, but in his own strength and true love.

Maria Razbash : “The situation is not new either. A man is in search and tossing, a woman is his muse and inspiration. Perhaps he really “outgrew” her and moved on. But the heroine, despite the serious psychological trauma, did not humble herself, did not expect mercy from the man or from the outside. Her position was active - she searched, tried to change something, gained experience in order to be able to re-evaluate. In addition, she herself was also realizing herself, growing as creative person– this is a very smart decision and a big plus. She did not stop being interesting to herself and created interests for herself. Sometimes, in order to understand how important another person is to you, you need to step aside a little. This relationship was tested and passed it with honor. It is important to join new stage no offense or complaints about the past. There is a clear benefit from the experience gained - “I feel better with this person than with others, that’s why: I’m with him.”

Poor Nastya

I have known Nastya not so long ago - several years. But as long as I know Nastya, she loves Kirill. All of Nastya’s friends, who have known Nastya for much longer, say the same thing. Nastya herself can hardly remember those times when Kirill was not in her life. Although, to be honest, he wasn’t very much, and he’s not very much. Therefore, we all know Kirill mainly from Nastya’s stories. Moreover, when Kirill does materialize, Nastya disappears for everyone else. What they are doing there together that no other man can give her, none of us can guess. But we have no doubt that this is a very special young man. If only because he changes his point of view on his relationship with Nastya with enviable consistency and frequency. Once every two weeks, returning from him with another “turnaround,” she habitually summarizes: “he doesn’t love me.” A month or two later we lose her again, because he “realized that he couldn’t live without her.” And God would be with him - let his friends worry about him, if there are any, if not for our long-suffering friend, who has been between heaven and earth for a year. “But what can I do?!” – she exclaims in despair. And so, you know, he pitifully exclaims that we are all dejectedly biting our tongues. Who wants to take responsibility for someone else's fate? Maybe their best is still ahead of them, and we, hardened cynics, simply cannot understand this boundless devotion and faith in one, not the best, but the only one she loves?

Maria Razbash: “Here the heroine is a typical victim of a “love front.” He “tortures” her, but she loves him and cannot part with him. This is voluntary slavery. Every time the object of addiction appears, the victim enthusiastically returns to his network. Preoccupation with one person, inability to see others and conscientious refusal build new relationships - typical signs self-dislike. “Nothing depends on me in this life, I am a hostage to circumstances and changes in the mood of the object of passion.” There is a certain pragmatism in this - you can feel sorry for yourself and not waste energy on changing the scenario. The man also runs in a familiar and familiar circle: he leaves, returns, is accepted - which means he can leave again if he doesn’t like something. You need to return not to a man, but to yourself: to write your own life script, independent of him. Then the situation may change. Not necessarily without it. But most importantly, you will be able to manage your life yourself, based on the position of a leader, not a follower.”