Should I give advice to my adult daughter? Problems of an adult daughter with her parents. Resentment bursts out. Control, criticism. Relationship between mother and teenage daughter

Good afternoon
I am 59 years old, my daughter is 33 years old. Now we live separately, but the relationship has always been very difficult. I would like a calm, trusting relationship, but on her part there are only complaints. If you ask how you are, he will answer that I don’t need to know, leave me alone. If you don’t ask, I’ll be offended that I’m not interested. He finds fault with everything, doesn’t like what I do, what I say.
I try not to interfere in her life, she regards this as my selfishness and lack of love.
Please advise what to do. I love her and want to be close to her, but she pushes me away. Relationships with friends and husband are about the same.
She needs support and help now, she has infant, but I don't know how to behave with her.

Hello Svetlana!

This is how people behave who at one time received psychological trauma. And, of course, the best thing for your daughter is to seek help from a qualified psychologist. But, naturally, she must make this decision on her own; you can only invite her to do it.

Svetlana, tell your daughter more often that you love her, that you are there, ready to support her when she needs it. However, you cannot guess when she will need your help and support. To do this, your daughter just needs to ask you for help.

And remember, a person’s happiness depends only on the person himself. Only she herself can make your daughter happy. And if she doesn’t accept something, doesn’t hear something, or doesn’t want to hear something, that’s her right. As well as her right to be offended by you for no reason. Your job is to accept her for who she is and love her no matter what. And, of course, the most important task every person - to be happy, which I sincerely wish for you!

All the best!

Perfilyeva Inna Yurievna, psychologist in Rostov-on-Don

Svetlana! Your daughter is who she is, and it is impossible to fundamentally change her according to your wishes, because these are some kind of her problems. If she also sees difficulties in this, then this can be done by working with her. If she doesn’t have such a need, then the situation can be corrected through you, but only partially. True, a lot can be done here too. The first point is that it is worth considering that they behave with us the way we allow them to behave with us. If you approach her this way and that, but she still doesn’t like it. This means you need to pay attention to it and lead it as you see fit. Because if we start doing everything for a person and seem to dissolve in him, then usually he doesn’t appreciate it and starts to find fault more. If you become a more confident person with good self-esteem. then you will give a different reaction to her attacks, and what worked before will stop working for her and she will also begin to change in better side There are articles on self-confidence on my website. Next, try to find the bright and positive sides in it, think about what is good about it. And think more that she is like that, because if we see anger and negativity in a person, then he turns to us with these sides. So gradually the relationship will begin to level out. This is the technique for resolving relationships. Good luck

Afanasyeva Liliya Veniaminovna, psychologist Moscow

Svetlana, hello. The problem has been accumulating for years... and not only you, but also your daughter should want mutual understanding. You won’t be nice by force... and your imposition will only push you further away from your daughter. What should I do? Treat your daughter’s behavior adequately, knowing that she is like this, do not try to change her in one conversation, but think about what neutral topics you can talk about so that this does not cause criticism from your daughter. When your daughter begins to be unhappy, then think about something else or include elements of humor. What has been accumulating for years will not be resolved with the help of one conversation or one month, you must first of all be patient, treat the situation adequately and be consistent in your actions, only then will it happen positive result. With all my heart, I wish you success and all the best!!!

Igor Letuchy - psychologist, master of psychology, online (Skype) consultant

My daughter has also hated me since childhood. She was a terribly obstinate child. I am under the enormous influence of exA. They blamed me for all the misfortunes of their son (my former son) and hammered it into my daughter’s head. My stupidity is that I gave them my daughter for weekends and holidays. I came back from there feeling like a stranger. She didn’t perceive me as a mother. She didn’t try for me, didn’t regret it if I felt bad. I went out of my way to make sure we had everything. I ruined my health just so I wouldn’t need anything. She was 19 years old - she finally spoke out, and then over the phone, that this was not what her mother wanted. And how bad she feels with me. I cried so much. And I made such sacrifices to give her an education. She didn't care. I was walking. I'm sorry, I screwed up my studies. And I paid a lot of money. Nobody helped me with a penny. I restored it and again the same rake - I dropped out of school. On the day of defending my diploma, I found him in bed with my future son-in-law. I was so stressed. Fine. She gave me in marriage. I left the apartment. The apartment is overgrown with debts. And I built, stretched, my help future husband money and, by the way, the wedding took place at his expense. Neither my daughter nor my son-in-law helped me at all in the house. It got to the point where I was getting ready to get married. Sold the house. I gave the money to my future husband. How many claims I made for money, it’s terrible. She went abroad to join her future husband. It took me a long time to bring me to my senses. Got married. I went and sold the apartment and decided to take half the money from the apartment. If we were people, we would give away everything. She left. Happily married. Husband is gold. After a while they were found on the Internet. We talked. I sent them money. Everything seemed to be going fine. in 2014 war in Donbass. They dragged them (already three) to Poland. We immediately took off, drove off (1600 km) and picked it up from the camp. They brought so much stuff and not only them (they helped several other families), they rented an apartment for them. We bought everything that was missing. They were helped for 2 years. Everyone was worried important point in their lives. I was terribly worried about how they were doing, what they had, whether they would receive status or a residence permit. Every news brings such nerves. And my husband and I are making plans to be one family, we would give them everything, we would live for them. And then suddenly my husband’s remark to his son-in-law ruined everything. Just one stroke. He simply suggested that his son-in-law try to speak Polish with him. In response, he cursed on the mat and without allowing him to communicate with his daughter, he turned off Skype. I called - no answer. Writing. No answer. I’m writing to my son-in-law, and he, the boor, was the last one to write something like that.... I started writing to shame him. Daughter has zero reaction. After 3 months there was a call at home. First, for half a minute, the daughter, and then the son-in-law, screaming and again swearing, that everything is just great with them, and they can cope without us and why the hell they don’t need us with our loans and all that... I wrote to my daughter that I don’t want to listen to screams, swearing, that I didn’t deserve such rudeness and that I don’t want to know them with such behavior. And me after nervous breakdown. Only from the hospital. My nerves are completely gone. And here’s the answer from my trashy daughter. That I'm a stupid mother. That I lost them. What my granddaughter doesn’t like after what I wrote to her, but wrote that she is selfish, like her mother, due to the fact that she did not congratulate either my husband in April or me in May on his birthday. Then he writes that there might not have been a scandal, that I started it. So that she no longer writes at the end: - “bitch go to hell... Live for yourself and for the sake of... Good luck you scum.” After that, I cried angrily. Inside, the whole soul has decayed. The heart burned out. My hand began to go away. There isn't a day that I don't think about all of this. How painful it is to realize that own daughter such a cruel, soulless, terrible person. I have never asked for forgiveness in my life. He has no idea what I'm going through. How it hurts me. It seems that she even enjoys it, every time I suffer brings her joy. She didn’t let me be a mommy, a loving, caring and grandmother now. And she’s the only one I have. She was afraid of having more children from a drunk, her dad, children. But she has no one else.

Name: Natalia

I came here because it hurt me to tears. I have adult daughter— 22 years old, just graduated from college. During all 5 years of study, she and her husband just jumped around her and she was freed from absolutely everything, since studying took a lot of time, and she also had to spend about 3 hours on the road there and back. Now she went to work, she still doesn’t want to do anything at home, I still do her laundry. She even got a second job so she could be at home less and again answer everything with “I don’t have time”

I don’t ask the question why she is like this, our overprotection is to blame for everything, but how to live further, how to build relationships - after all, there are scandals almost every day and terrible ones with insults and accusations. How to finally solve the problem with nutrition, well, I can’t do anything not to cook, again she will think that I’m lazy. She answers all questions only when she wants. I offered to rent a separate apartment for her, but she apparently wants me to do this for her, I would also furnish it, and she would be happy to move.

After all, she’s not 16 years old, when everything can be attributed to adolescence. It’s still complicated
the fact that I have a very soft-bodied husband and he keeps coddling her,
and she’s rude to him too. If I don’t talk to her, she doesn’t need to -
I have a dad. Why should I divorce him because of these differences?
I'm at a dead end, I'm crying, I'm drinking a sedative, I'm reading about relationships -
I’m in trouble and I can’t find an answer for myself - how to live on. Contact
she doesn't come when I try to talk, that she's an adult and should
take equal part in all family affairs, he says that
I cling to everything that I drink it. Well, here’s an example: please, wash the dishes. He answers - a little later. The second time an hour later he said the same thing -
Ryu answers, “I’ll finish watching the film now.” For the 3rd time, I’m already going to wash myself and a scandal begins. As a result, I’m a scandalist. And so on for any reason.

I have always been interested in the life and interests of my daughter and
I’m wondering if the matter is different - I think that since she lives with us in
one apartment - she must take equal part in all
family matters, and she’s all hers free time spends time on the sofa watching TV or sitting in a computer and reacts to comments about this with scandals. And since I am also an emotional person, I can’t stand it. For God’s sake, let her live separately; she was given an education, she has a good profession. But, something She doesn’t really strive for this. When we don’t quarrel, she doesn’t want to go anywhere. The ideal would probably be to not notice her at all, since she behaves like this - but unfortunately, it doesn’t work out. Please advise how to live further?

This is a pressing topic, although it is not at all easy to discuss, maybe even condemn our mothers and draw some conclusions. But too many women come to see a psychologist with this question - mine dear mother It doesn’t let me live, what should I do?

I’ll make a reservation right away - women whose relationship with their mother is good and calm should not read this article; you will not understand the pain and suffering of many women who do not know such parental relationship who have not experienced mother's love, care and understanding. You are very lucky to be born into a loving and caring family, just like me. But there is also back side relationships - complete lack of mutual understanding, disrespect and even indifference on the part of what would seem to be the closest and loved one- mothers.

Situations vary. In one family, a mother does not allow her young daughter to date a guy. In another, an adult daughter, having her own family, for some reason must always consult with her mother and receive a positive assessment from her.

Or, even worse, when the mother is in open conflict with her son-in-law, saying unpleasant things about him, thereby unnerving her daughter.She constantly asks her to help with anything, although she can easily handle it herself, as long as her daughter takes care of her. And so on, there are many cases.

But the essence is the same - the mother does not let her daughter leave her! And no matter how old her daughter is, maybe she’s already well over 40, she still controls her, monitoring her every action, forcing her to report on past events. She definitely needs to speak out on any matter, although no one asks her opinion, and the mother doesn’t even care whether her daughter is upset or not. "What's the matter? I’m your mother and I wish you only the best!” Completely unaware that this is “best” for her and not for her daughter. She may throw a tantrum, shedding tears, if she does not like the reaction and statements to her comments. And no requests or persuasion have any effect on her; the response is either insult with the words “how can you offend your mother?”, or a quarrel with shouting and insults. Well, she doesn’t understand that her daughter should live her own life, that she has her own character, different from her mother, and maybe similar, but she doesn’t want to live as her mother tells her! She doesn’t understand that her daughter is a completely independent person, capable of being responsible for her actions, wanting to live her life. own life, making their own mistakes! He doesn’t want to understand this, sincerely believing that he loves his daughter and wishes only the best for her.

What to do? A difficult, unfortunately, insoluble problem. It is impossible to re-educate your mother, force her to reconsider her views, change her position regarding own child. That's how mom is! The easiest thing is to separate. Try not to talk on the phone for a long time, give less information, talk only about the most important things. Do not enter into polemics or discuss any events that are unpleasant for you, do not give rise to moralizing. The less information the mother has, the less conversations and instructions. But this does not mean, categorically, that you can forget about it, under no circumstances! Even when you come to visit or help her, as soon as the “morality” begins, let your mother know that this is a “difficult” topic for you. Try to convey to her all your thoughts and considerations about which you have a conflict or dispute. Sincerely loving mother will always understand you, but if there is no mutual understanding, then the principle is simple - less communication! It will be better for everyone! Sooner or later, mom will understand how much she needs you, accepting your opinion and position. Don't forget about your mother, but also remember about yourself and your family! And draw conclusions so that your daughter no longer suffers from you!

Adult daughters often live in conflict with their mother. Some of them do not hide this and speak about it directly, complaining to their friends. And some people prefer to remain silent and pretend that everything is fine in their relationship with their mother. But the fact remains a fact, and psychologists know this.

Adult daughters often live in conflict with their mother. Some of them do not hide this and speak about it directly, complaining to their friends. And some people prefer to remain silent and pretend that everything is fine in their relationship with their mother. But the fact remains a fact, and psychologists know this.

Letter without envelope

Yes, it happens that a mother irritates her daughter so much (as the daughters themselves say, “infuriates”) that her every word, every manifestation makes her nervous. The mother, as it were, becomes a lightning rod, the person who is to blame for all the troubles.

“Most likely, this situation stems from childhood: comments, advice that you don’t ask for, lack of common ground,” explains psychologist Irina Sitnikova. - You have already lost hope of clarifying something, changing, getting through, getting something other than advice: support, mother’s pride, praise, sympathy. When a situation like this hasn’t changed for years, it’s easier to step away and replace irritation with indifference. And everything would be fine, but the need to love our parents dies only with us, even if we think that this need has already been carefully buried by us. You should write a letter to your mother and say in it what you are unhappy with, what you would like to change and what you expect from your mother. You don’t need to give the letter to her, you need it, not her. We cannot do something to another person, but we can do something to ourselves, such as recognizing our need to love our parents.

And then try to feel gratitude and compassion for your mother - so that you can love her, but remember that she is not without flaws, but you will not have another mother. To be able to be angry at her, but remember that you are angry at the person you love who has done and is doing everything he can for you. And if she does something wrong, it’s because she doesn’t know how to love differently. Try to pay attention not to what your mother says, but to what she does for you. Remember that she is doing everything she can for you, she is trying. Try and feel gratitude for what she does for you.”

There is an expression: dissatisfaction with others is a projection of dissatisfaction with oneself. An adult daughter, like any person, may have different reasons for dissatisfaction: unsettledness at work, lack of money, lack of fulfillment in the profession, uncertainty of one’s position. But the main one is the relationship with a man.

If a daughter does not have a man, then she believes that her mother is indirectly to blame. If he exists, but the relationship with him is unstable and does not develop the way the young woman wants, then the blame is also shifted to the mother. If a daughter has a husband, then the mother will still be the lightning rod. After all, the daughter will not express to her husband everything that she thinks: she is afraid of conflict, afraid of ruining her relationship with him. A negative feelings are accumulating, so she takes out her dissatisfaction and irritation on her mother. Most often this happens unconsciously, without malicious intent. It’s just that a mother is a mother, she must understand, take everything upon herself and forgive. That's how she's supposed to do it.

“It’s a shame when children start making claims,” continues psychologist Irina Sitnikova. “We always do everything we can for them.” So throw away your guilt. All the children of the world are unhappy with their parents; for all children, they are always to blame for everything. Apart from those whom their parents left in the care of the state, these children love their parents...

All children sooner or later begin to show signs of disappointment with their “ancestors.” It's normal, it's growing up the process is underway separation. If your daughter endlessly admires you, she will never risk tearing herself away from your skirt. Now she should have another object for idealization - a man.

So just be close to her. Let her even be disappointed in you. In response to her complaints, say that perhaps you are not the most best mother(and there are no ideal mothers), but you love her and do everything in your power for her.

Every mother doubts that she is... good mother, and this is precisely what allows her to be a good mother. And every mother experiences the process of separation as hard as the child, even if both sides do not show it. Let your daughter go, she will come back to you."

Don't grow old together

Are mothers always angels? Not always. Their most common mistake is to continue to consider their adult daughters as little girls and in communication with them continue to play the role of a guardian-mentor: you said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, do as I say! Constant advice and instructions. This drives my daughter crazy. She is an adult, she wants to decide everything herself, because this is her life. And here comes constant “correction” from the mother. Mom seems to think that her daughter is still not smart enough, quick-witted, or independent enough, so she needs to be taught, guided, and prompted all the time. The mother seems to be watching her daughter all the time, controlling her. Therefore, it is not surprising that adult daughters strive to protect their lives from their mother’s invasion.

But it can be worse. If a mother has a strong, domineering character, then sometimes she manages to break her daughter’s will and subjugate her to herself. She manipulates and blackmails her daughter. The subtext is: “if you leave me (come home late, wear the wrong skirt, get involved with the wrong guy), then I will die.” Perhaps the mother does not realize the full harmfulness of her actions, but this does not make it any easier. And if the mother manages to break her daughter’s will and she completely submits to her mother, to the point of putting an end to her personal life and staying with her mother, then they will grow old together. Have you ever seen this? Sad picture...

What should a mother do? Internally separate yourself from your daughter. Stop lecturing her, stop giving her advice and interfering in her life. The daughter is already an adult and now must build her own destiny, even if she makes mistakes. She needs to gain her own life experience; this is the only way she can become a mature woman.

“Surely your daughter also lacks sincerity in relationships,” psychologist Elena Kuznetsova tells mothers. - Remember yourself as a daughter: mother’s love is very important need. By refusing to be friends with your mother, a person loses a lot. But such actions are not done just like that. Usually they are preceded by some kind of resentment, misunderstanding, or something traumatic. And it's hardly enough direct question: “What are you offended by?” In their grievances, people tend to withdraw and isolate themselves. It looks something like this: “Oh, are you doing this to me? Well, I don’t need you anymore, I’ll do without you!” It is precisely these “bases of icebergs” that are most often found in conflicts between mothers and daughters.”

She will succeed

There is no need to fight with your daughter over who is more important and who should dictate to whom. We must endure, wait and wish her happiness. Sometimes you need to be able to remain silent and take on your daughter’s pain. Everything is healed and forgiven by love.

"You main man in her daughter’s life,” recalls psychotherapist Ekaterina Krasnikova. “And she really needs you.” Resentment will not help restore trust between you. Try to cope with your emotions and take the first step, start a conversation. I think it’s more difficult for her to take the first step. Tell me that you thought you were good, trusting relationship. Ask her what she thinks. She loves you, but she protests (she herself does not fully understand what exactly she is against). Just go up to her and hug her.”

Sometimes the best way out is a timeout. Stop trying to fix anything. It's better to just distance yourself from each other and let events take their course. Forget about disagreements and calmly accept everything as it is, without expecting or doing anything. Let your daughter live her life, go through her lessons, and become a truly adult. She will succeed, have no doubt. When she becomes a mature, independent, confident woman and is finally happy, then the relationship with you will definitely improve. You just have to calmly wait for it, believing that it will happen.

Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru