Repeated attempts to start new relationships in adulthood. About love in adulthood

Many families, which, a couple of years after registering a marriage, actually cease to be families, have the same feature: after a divorce, there is a need to start a new relationship. And here an obstacle stands in the way in the form of certain difficulties described below.

1.Emotional baggage.

You are no longer young, but you have managed to taste the taste of family life, have experienced a range of feelings in relationships with the opposite sex, and in your memory there are ready-made algorithms and reactions to “sexual stimuli.”

This baggage has shaped you as a person, so when asked by a possible partner about who you are and what kind of person you are, you will readily talk about your experience, that you have ready-made principles and are prudent in detail.

Unfortunately, a new relationship involves changes in the lives of two, including changes in the state of the peripheral nervous system. This includes facial expressions, your speech, gestures, and even the temperature of the surface of the skin - so much will change, and these changes will be in such unusual “little things” that you will actually start a new life.

After all, only under these conditions can you have a child, move to another place of residence, wake up with someone else. If you remain in the same condition, then your partner simply will not be able to come close to you, as required by the new relationship. In other words, you will have to surgically cut off some of your emotional baggage.

More barriers to family in adulthood

2.Your demands have increased.

A priori, you simply cannot be that naive young man or girl who looked with open, glowing eyes at the object of your passion. There is a memory in your head from past suffering that is unacceptable, and therefore you will cut it at the root.

Your significant other is not working - goodbye! If you get drunk or are rude - goodbye! I couldn’t explain the long absence from home - goodbye!

Unfortunately, we realize too late that each person is not only unique - he gives us a choice - either we accept him completely, or we reject him. Even if you are impressed by some quality, you need to take all the other baggage. You will have to give up your demands - and this will definitely have to be done.

Your task is to decide whether you are ready to sacrifice something or not. Perhaps something can be circumvented, and it is necessary to make efforts to achieve harmony with your partner, to look for compromises, because the end fully justifies the means.

3. The world is changing, as a new partner brings new laws, new discoveries into your life, you learn new things about the world around you, and therefore your perception of life changes.

Even if the character of the spouse resembles the previous life partner, their social environment will most likely be different. Some have a sick mother, some have a child left with their ex-husband, some are involved in sports or financial circles, and some are lonely...

You can turn into a withdrawn person, although before that you were the life of the party, and all this for the sake of the family, for the sake of the family partnership. And no matter how hard you try to maintain your social ballast, it will still be difficult for even good friends to get used to you in a new guise; they may turn away completely unexpectedly.

What can we say about favorite habits? The wife may interfere if the husband spends a lot of time on the computer, and the husband will demand that the wife answer all phone calls. New man – new laws of the universe.

4. You will become bored with your old self.

Your past self will no longer be a joy to you. You will want to take and take from a new acquaintance, change for the better, and be inspired by your partner.

But, as a rule, this rarely happens. Most likely, both are coming down on each other with their personal boundaries, and your past self will become a big burden for both. Already on the third day of your life together, you realize with horror that you will have to commit violence against yourself. Without it, the marriage will fall apart immediately, because you are both mature people and both have strong presets, both will want to take something fresh and new from each other, and you both sit on the couch and are silent!

Someone must start a new diet, jogging in the morning, someone must start learning a foreign language, otherwise boredom from the ossified personal shell will turn into mutual dissatisfaction: after all, I condescended to you, you should rejoice, be inspired and change for the better, Why do you sit with such a lean expression and expect something from life?

For very young boys and girls, a connection arises organically, they do not have a personal shell and accept everything as it is, and therefore their disagreement is always shock therapy. In mature divorces, all disagreements are painful mutual torture, blows and pricks, and rarely balanced decisions. It is better not to allow divorce a second time - it will be very painful, as it will be conscious and “heavy” in its load.

One way or another, for the second or third attempt, you have one powerful weapon: you clearly know what you want, so don’t be fooled by good looks, but immediately determine the boundaries of your acceptable compromises.

Source -

It is impossible to theoretically describe a feeling, so they talk about it in poetry and novels. No matter how much psychologists tried to study the power of love, they were not completely able to do this. People often talk about late love. What it is? Why does she appear and how strong are the feelings?

It is important to understand that late love does not have a specific age; it applies not only to people who are over 50 years old. A person can experience a strong feeling for the first time after 30 years, and before that he was not even aware of it. Many people laugh: “What kind of love can there be in adulthood, is it only for young people?” You’re wrong, it’s not for nothing that they say: "Love for all ages". On the contrary, people at a conscious age can love brightly and strongly, and at the same time they become noticeably younger.

Empty nest syndrome

Often at 40 or 50 years old, a single woman or man experiences a new stage of life when their student child leaves to study, and then gets married and works. The period is very difficult because you have to live again. Until recently, the house was full of children's screams and fun, but the years flew by, the child became an adult, left his native nest, and you were left alone. It was during this period that many women and men meet each other.

In adulthood it is extremely stressful. Although, on the other hand, some do not dare to enter into a new relationship; they think that there can no longer be love.

There are situations when, after children grow up, spouses become complete strangers. Why? This is easy to explain - there were no strong feelings, and the marriage was built on common interests - raising children. This is where it’s quite difficult, because both of them suffer, they begin to quarrel, conflict, and poison each other’s lives, but they don’t get divorced, believing that they’ve lived too much together.

Attitude of free people

It’s also hard for those who are used to being alone all their lives - divorced, widowed. It would seem that there is no need to solve any problems with divorce, why not create new ones? Everything is very complicated here! A person feels so unnecessary that he does not believe in feelings. Or he simply doesn’t want to condemn himself to a relationship. There is a group of people who remain faithful to their ex-partner all their lives: “There will never be anyone like him again!”

It is much easier for those who are not traumatized by marriage, do not idealize their past relationships, and are ready to start living again. But a feeling of love does not always appear here; there may simply be a “convenient and comfortable” union. Someone is afraid of loneliness, people with a hedonistic orientation simply want someone to take care of them. Pairs are often created. For example, a man with autophobia and a hedonistic woman.

There are, of course, exceptions when people after 30 years fall so in love with each other that they could not even imagine how they lived before. Here the feeling is not only emotional, as at 18 years old, but real. Over the years, a baggage of wisdom is accumulated, a person acquires communication skills and will do his best to maintain relationships, and not destroy them.

Sex and the fear of death

The most difficult period in life is late adulthood. When a person begins to think about his life, he analyzes everything that happened and takes stock. Some, in order to get rid of unpleasant feelings, choose young partners to engage in. It happens that people with age differences fall in love with each other and love gives a chance for a new life. Therefore, late feelings are real gold, which eliminates negativity and improves the quality of life and health. A person becomes younger not only physically, but spiritually.

Why is the late one often the last love?

A mature person will make every effort not to lose his other half, whom he truly cares about. Here it is important to understand that it is not only sex that connects people, but common interests, feelings, business, hobbies. It’s great when people start relaxing together, traveling, not thinking about problems, and if they arise, they calmly solve them together.

People who know life try to work on their feelings every day, treat them with care, care for them like a flower.

We note that a woman at any age needs love, even if she is far from 20. In the subconscious of the fair half there is a feeling - to be desired, always loved. It often happens that a woman devotes her entire life to children, but does not experience emotions in marriage. And then, when the children grow up, the woman has a chance for a new, beautiful, fabulous life.

Of course, controversial thoughts will arise:

• Live as you are, so as not to hurt anyone with your changes.
• Plunge into the “sea of ​​love”, real feelings, feel desired, young, beautiful again.

Later feelings are stronger, what is the reason?

Psychologists are sure that late love is deep. Two people make efforts to avoid the mistakes of previous relationships and to find mutual understanding. It is especially interesting for two creative, talented people. They begin to discover something new in everyone’s character, enjoy every moment, and appreciate the moments they spend together.

It is quite difficult to judge high feelings. Nobody knows what awaits him tomorrow. A person can live a calm, measured life, but suddenly someone bursts into life who radically changes everything. At the same time, age does not matter here! On the contrary, the later everything happens, the more real, stronger and more thoughtful it is. In youth, everyone falls in love because hormones are raging and you want to “move mountains.” And in adulthood, love is built on respect, trust, understanding, and other moral values.

Is late love a test of age or a real gift of fate? Everyone will have their own opinion. She can only answer when she actually meets a person who will completely change her whole life and give her wonderful, unearthly feelings. If you are lucky and bright feelings arise in your soul, do not lose them. Trying your best to keep love is a gift that, unfortunately, many people do not experience.

An elderly couple in love walks along the alley in an embrace. Some people find this touching to the point of tears, some find it funny, and some may even be indignant: “We’ve lost all shame in our old age! Can’t they make amends at home?” And the couple doesn’t care about onlookers - they only see each other.

Does it even exist - ardent and passionate love in adulthood?

When love is just “for show” for relatives

Some couples live together for many decades just because it is convenient for others. Marriage the old fashioned way: it seems too late to get a divorce, and it’s a shame, because you first had to live for the children, then for the sake of the grandchildren.

But in life, both had no time for love - only patience saved them. Somewhere there, over the decades, there may have been some passionate feelings, but then everything turned into a “bad habit”:

The husband drank and went on a spree, and the wife ran to the superiors of her infidel to be disciplined, punished with a ruble, scolded at a meeting.

The husband himself was tired of the eternal claims and hysterics of the “old saw”, so he ran around with the young people and washed down the problems with the “little white one”.

Both lived as neighbors in a communal apartment. No common interests or mutual understanding. Even sex was rare.

But there was no question of divorce. For any reason, all the relatives would gather, hiss and shake their fists:

What are you thinking! Imagine what a shame this is for all of us, a stain on our reputation, a stigma for life! How can children survive this? Don’t be foolish, live at least for the sake of your children!

So the two poor souls had to put on a mask of happiness during the day and lie to everyone about their love: children, neighbors, colleagues. And at night it was unbearable: the husband was breathing in fumes, and his wife was “nagging” him with the tedious tone of a mosquito.

So they lived to old age as strangers, forgetting about tenderness, passion and sex. Was there love? Well, once upon a time, the children were born. Does it exist now? Hmm, what is this - love? We don’t remember - apparently senile sclerosis.

But since they swore an oath to all their relatives to keep the brand, they keep it: children come to the wedding anniversary with their families, sit next to their parents and shout to them: “Bitter!” But all this resembles a poorly rehearsed performance. The children leave, everything returns to normal.

It is precisely such unfortunate people who grumble after the elderly couple walking in an embrace: “They have completely lost their shame in their old age!” They don’t understand what love is and that it doesn’t count the years. All these decades were useless, since there was no passion and family happiness. There was prosperity, there was the appearance of a family, but there was no love.

When love is real, despite the number of years of marriage

It often happens without showing off - they are simply monogamous, just love for life with remnants of passion even in old age. Yes, there was everything in life: quarrels, resentments, and even separations, but the spouses always understood that it was impossible for them to live without each other.

But nevertheless, it doesn’t even occur to them to sleep separately. Full sex is replaced by mutual caresses, stroking, kisses. But if the old man is still as vigorous as a man, then, of course, everything happens in bed, although not as often as it did in his youth.

New romance in adulthood

The younger generation sometimes develops a strong belief: if a lonely person has already reached maturity, then this means he has already lived for himself, that is, specifically, he is elderly. Let him now raise his grandchildren and not think about any love.

But what happens in the end: those for whom he lived eventually begin to be burdened by his decrepitude and weakness. The younger generation does not understand the problems of the elderly, their complaints and illnesses. But if it weren’t for relatives who shamed the desire to get married in old age, everything would have been simpler.

People in love live longer. In addition, love in general is capable of doing incredible things - by helping each other in old age, both men and women gain new strength and good spirits, just because they have to live for their loved one!

There is nothing worse than blood-curdling loneliness. Therefore, such novels should not be stopped, but rather encouraged. This is not shamelessness or disgrace, because more often than not, full-fledged sex is out of the question. And anyway, who would think of crawling into old people’s beds to find out what they are doing there.

Here's something else:

Intimate conversations. You have lived such a long life with its failures and joys that you want to endlessly tell your loved one about it. Precisely to the one who can understand the whole “confession” from the height of his life experience and wisdom.

Soul kinship. It is in these intimate conversations that the understanding comes: “This is the person I have been looking for all my life!” It just so happened that fate presented the “wrong” ones: somewhere due to stupid youth, somewhere stepping on a rake. And here's a surprise for old age.

Common interests and outlook on life. This is the reason when it is already difficult to live apart - you want to run a common household, be close, do a common interesting thing. And most importantly, loneliness is no longer scary, since it simply doesn’t exist.

This is the age when alcohol already seems strong, it’s cold without a hat, heels are uncomfortable, sleep is light, and in general it’s better at home than away. Therefore, one should never blame lovers in old age - extreme passions are alien to them, they are simply calm together.

By the way, in order to fully understand what the old “newlyweds” want, watch a fragment of the old film “There Lives a Guy Like This.” There, the characters talk about the future matchmaking of grandfather Kondrat and present a “picture of the future”: his probable life with his elderly wife.

Here is the video:

Second youth from falling in love

In old age, you always really want to return to your former youth: to play around, flirt, play at love. So advanced old men don’t sit alone in their gardens and knit socks. They use dating sites, attend events and go to clubs of similar interests to find their soul mate.

It is when falling in love sets in that a second wind appears, your eyes light up with happiness, and a blush appears on your cheeks. Therefore, there is no need to throw stones at a passing loving couple of elderly people who are hugging, it is better to cast a glance in their direction full of admiration and tenderness. They're happy!

Inside every person there is an invisible struggle between the desire for peace, which is very close to loneliness, and the desire to have a family, which entails constant responsibilities and worries, and at such a moment we only dream of peace, especially women.
We never feel lonely as long as our children are with us.
When a woman is left alone with small children, she feels unprotected, I immediately remember the moment at the end of the first episode of the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears” - the main character raised her daughter alone, studied, worked and cried into her pillow at night - such a familiar story for many women .

Over time, the children grow up and become virtually independent individuals, the woman develops a feeling of freedom and at the same time a feeling of loneliness: the main character of the film, leaving her married lover, buys herself flowers...
In adulthood, women who remain single already remain so , and not because they don’t want love again, everyone always wants love, but there is no longer confidence that it is possible to actually meet your soulmate, but all because the search circle is narrowing to an ugly small size.
According to statistics, in Russia, during the so-called period of maturity, for every 10 women there are only 8 men.
And if you take away married people, alcoholics and non-social objects, then the numbers tell us that in any case, many women simply cannot find a partner, because there is simply no one.

One way out is to look for a partner in a different age group.

You may be lucky, but as always and everywhere, approximately 80% of 100 will be unsuccessful choices, since the difference between generations in the perception of themselves and the world around them exists and leads to misunderstanding of each other.

The second option is to look for a partner abroad.

In many countries, the ratio of men and women is radically opposite.
Especially in China and India. Due to the desire of parents at any cost to have the first child in the family - a boy (birth rate restrictions in China by the state), in India (difficulty in marrying off a daughter if there is no dowry), lead to the fact that in these countries there is already a catastrophic shortage of women half of humanity, and many men of these nations seek to move to other countries not only because of work, but also because of the lack of female sex.
In Italy, there is also disharmony, so many Italians are ready to date Russian women. And many find their happiness.
In such circumstances, the main thing on the woman’s part is the desire to learn the language of the country where the potential partner lives and gain the necessary knowledge of the mentality of the nation and understand whether she can accept them with both soul and body.
Since ignorance of both most often leads to catastrophic consequences.

Of course, everyone is looking for partners older than their age.

It is interesting that women perceive age differences in any direction more calmly than men. Men, if they are younger, may have a complex because of this, for example, in front of their friends (though not all of them), or, conversely, be jealous of a woman “at every post” if the man is much older.
Women, being calm about the age difference, more often get into trouble about this, so to speak. Many men strive, with the help of their beautiful and kind nature, to skip through their unsuccessful periods of life, not planning a long-term relationship with them, but at the same time constantly repeating that they only have serious intentions...

And again the question arises: is it possible to meet your soulmate in adulthood? There is no clear answer.
For those who love adventure and stress and thus feel that life needs to make some effort in this direction, and something will definitely work out, maybe good, maybe not so much...
For those who believe that only God (the Universe) controls their destiny, you just need to make your wish and set it free... and you will succeed, but you will succeed only when you really need it.))

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In 2008, the United States published the results of a study of the sex lives of people from 57 to 85 years old, which produced the effect of a bomb exploding. Among 57-64 year olds, 73% continued to have sex, among 65-74 year olds this figure was 53%, and among 75-85 year olds it was 26%. No one expected this, and newspapers in the West at that time were full of headlines like “Old people do this more often than you think.”

About the "boys"...

In age-related sex, there were clear differences between “boys” and “girls.” Older men were more active than their peers and remained interested in sex longer. As studies have shown, sexual desire (libido) and the desire to have sex remained with them until very old age. From a medical point of view, this is simply wonderful. After all, sex is useful at any age - it is an excellent physical workout for the body and a positive emotional shake-up for the soul. Sexual function is closely related to the state of health, and it is even considered an indicator of the aging of the body: for those who have not lost their health in old age, everything is usually good in sex. It is clear that the older you get, the more often sex requires the help of pills, of which there are a great many sold today. But there is nothing bad or shameful in this. Another bad thing is when men give up at the very first difficulties with an erection. But this indicates that problems with blood vessels are beginning. First in the intimate area, where they are thinnest, then in the heart, and this is fraught with angina pectoris and heart attack, and in the brain it threatens with a stroke. So this is the first bell to start taking care of your health. And then a long and happy sex life awaits you.

...and about “girls”

For the fair sex, the situation with sex is more complicated, and primarily it is associated with menopause. As studies have shown, due to menopause, 43% of women lose their libido - the desire to have sex simply disappears, 34% have no orgasm (this is also serious - if there is no pleasure, why do you need sex?), 39% have sex that is problematic and sometimes even painful due to vaginal dryness (this is also a typical consequence of menopause).

Since menopause is quite strictly tied to age, these problems begin to arise when approaching the 50-year mark, and for some even earlier. And this is often not related to the general state of health, as in men. It’s just that sex is largely tied to sex hormones. And their restructuring during menopause leads to such results. But, like with men, this can be fixed. Today there are a lot of medicines. For women even more than for the stronger sex. And this is not only hormone replacement therapy. There are medications that can solve these problems safely. As long as there is sex, there is no old age.