Relationship between older sister and younger brother. Brothers and sisters, older and younger... How to survive in a large family with children. Older children are more likely to develop allergies

Older and Younger Surely many grown-up older children remember how, under the threat of punishment, they were left to look after their younger brother or sister, scolded if they fell and got into trouble, suppressed fair complaints and indignation with the words “He’s small! Give in to him!

At the same time, the younger ones can “present” that they wore the clothes of their elders, sat at home when they went to parties and clubs, and were constantly the object of comparison with them. And woe to the younger ones, if they were in some way unlike them in a “negative” way - they studied worse, indulged more and obeyed their parents less.

It’s good if such grievances are remembered with a smile or slight sadness. But often such “greetings” from childhood quite poison the lives of adults. A man buys himself new trousers every month because he was the fourth child in the family. The older sister literally plows all her life for the younger ones, forgetting about herself, despite the fact that the “younger” ones are already 35 years old. Someone remembers how they didn’t buy him roller skates, having spent the saved money on a toy for his younger brother, and another how he hated his older brother only because he was constantly set as an example as the more skillful and independent among them.

Raising an older and younger child in the same conditions is not only difficult, it is impossible because the older one will forever remain scary, and the younger one will remain younger. Much has been written in psychology about how children perceive their birth order in the family, how the perception of the world and themselves depends on this, and how the child’s personality develops.

But if there is no escape from psychology, and parents cannot change the birth order of each child, then they are quite capable of making sure that the situations described above are as few as possible. To do this, you need to try to avoid the following parenting techniques.

1. Buy your youngest child as few new clothes as possible.

Of course, if there are a lot of things left from the older one, it is a pity to throw them away or give them away, especially if the children are of the same sex and the younger one has not yet grown up to them. For the family budget, this is a good saving of money, but for the youngest child, it is a denial of his right to identity, separation from the older child.

An exception may be the situation when the younger person himself wants something like the older one.

2. Take the younger one to the same classes as the older one: everyone goes in the same direction early, so at least they will be under supervision.

In this situation, the youngest child’s right to independence is denied in the same way. For other interests, activities and hobbies. Of course, it is convenient when two children go to the same section and look after each other, but this is not always useful for the development of the children themselves.

3. Compare the elder with the younger, burdening him with the responsibility of “being like his older brother.”

This is perhaps the most difficult, but the most important. Of course, having the experience of raising one child, it is difficult to resist comparing him with another. In this case, compare the children at least to yourself. The younger one doesn’t necessarily need to know that the older one at his age already tidied up the toys himself, drew a beautiful picture of the sun, or even went to the store to buy bread.

Olesya Garanina

educational psychologist

When comparing children with each other, you, especially if this comparison is not in favor of one of the children, make two mistakes - you drive the person you are comparing into a corner, developing hatred towards your brother/sister, and you deprive yourself of the opportunity to gain new parenting experience. Who said that the way it happened with the old one is right and true?

You need to compare in order to praise one without belittling the other and without creating in him a feeling of envy and inferiority.

For example: “Look how Volodya drew! Well done to our big brother?!”, “How great Oksana danced, right, Kolya? What a smart sister you have,” instead of phrases - “Look how Volodya drew, it’s not like you,” “It’s great, Oksana danced. Maybe you will/want to do this too?!”

4. “Grow up” the elder, devaluing his feelings and desires:“You're older, be smarter; give in to him, he’s small and in general, at least behave normally.”

5. Load responsibility for the younger one: “If something happens to him, it’s your fault.”

The eldest child, whether he was 3 years old or 8 at the time of the birth of the youngest, has not ceased to be your child either. And he continues to need your love, and not at all to suddenly become another “parent” for the baby. In such a situation, the feeling of love is more likely to give way to irritation and anger. It’s better to involve him as much as possible in caring for the baby, tell him and show him how small and helpless he is. And teach the younger one that the older brother or sister must be respected and obeyed, not interfere with his studies, and not take pencils from his desk without asking.

Remember that two children are not two opposing camps that need to be brought to a common denominator, but two sources of love and joy for parents, two personalities, each of which needs to be sent into life on its own path!

In addition to all other factors influencing the formation of our personality, the order of birth and the gender of the child play an important role in this. How we perceive ourselves and how we respond to and treat others outside our family begins with how our family treats us—as a man or a woman, as the eldest, youngest, or middle child.

Freud was the first among psychotherapists to note that “the child’s position among his brothers and sisters is of great importance for his entire subsequent life.” It has long been recognized, for example, that older children share many common characteristics, such as determination and leadership qualities. There are common qualities among those who were born middle or younger, as well as among children of the same sex. The younger brother of the sisters, for example, will not have the same character as the youngest brother. The difference in the order of birth largely explains the huge variety of characters in children of the same parents.

The characters of children, depending on their order of birth and their sex, described in this chapter are based on the research and scientific work of many specialists in this field who have conducted hundreds of studies on the order of birth of children, and above all, on the work of Walter Thoman , Austrian psychologist. He studied thousands of “normal” families and consistently revealed that people of the same sex, occupying the same position among brothers and sisters, have similar types of nervous activity, psychotypes. His book Family Constellation is a classic study in this area and I highly recommend you read it.

Toman's research was verified by many other scientists, and the results were consistent. The difference is only in the interpretation of certain issues or (like Lucille K. Forer and Alfred Adler) the use of a different approach to the study of this concept.

There are many options for the order of birth, depending on the number of children, gender and age ratio. However, the number of brothers and sisters is a combination of those listed in the pages of this book. For example, the middle brother among brothers may have mixed psychotypes of both brothers - the older and the younger, described here. Depending on how many older and younger brothers he has, and their ages, he will be more or less like the oldest or youngest brother.

The situation may be further complicated by gender differences. An elder brother among siblings will have the character of an elder brother among brothers and an elder brother among sisters.

If the age difference between the children is more than five to six years, each will be more like an only child, although they will also have the characteristics of a pure form of birth order and the gender of the sibling to whom they are closer. For example, the older sister of a brother who is eight years younger than her will be very much like an only child (which she was for eight years), but will also have some characteristics of the older sister among the brothers. Where there is a large age difference between groups of children, each will develop its own relationships, independent of the other subgroups. For example, in a family where there are three girls, two boys are born six years apart, two years apart in age. The younger brother will be more like the younger brother among the sisters. The greater the age difference, the truer this statement. The smaller the age difference between children, the stronger their influence on each other.

These descriptions of birth order and gender do not tell us what a person should be like, they simply tell us what most people typically are like. They are descriptive, not prescriptive. The purpose of this book is to help you see the possible origins of certain aspects of your personality and to provide insight into the reasons for the behavior of other members of your family. It is important to know yourself and strive to know the quality of your personality, including descriptions of the order of your birth and your gender. The descriptions may not match, but if they are true, it can help you as you work on yourself.

It's especially helpful to see how the combination of your birth order and that of your spouse may affect the relationship (or how it affected your parents' relationship).

While sharing some of the same qualities, some couples are better suited to each other than others simply because they have a better birth order. Being well suited to each other in this sense means an almost complete coincidence of the age and childhood environment of each of you. For example, a younger sister among brothers would be best suited to an older brother among sisters. Both will feel comfortable in this gender and relative age ratio.

Since many of our basic ideas about life depend on the order of birth, it will be much easier for us later in life if this situation continues in some form in our adult relationships. If we find ourselves in a completely different situation, different from the one to which we are accustomed, it will be very difficult for us to adapt to it. Even if our situation in childhood left much to be desired, it is still familiar to us, and we choose the lesser of two evils, since we are better prepared to cope with a familiar situation.

The "little sister and big brother" combination usually works well, not because of their innate good qualities, but because it is the most comfortable combination for the two people. They know how to interact with each other. Even if they have problems with each other, these problems in a different combination would be much more serious.

Let us take for comparison the relationship between an older sister among sisters and an older brother among brothers. In this case, both are accustomed to seniority in the family, and therefore to “power,” and are not accustomed to communicating with their peers of the opposite sex. They are likely to have conflicts over “power” and lack of mutual understanding.

While the best partnership is one that closely replicates the situation in the family of origin, it is not the only option people are looking for. In the beginning, we are often attracted to people who are similar to us. Thus, two older children in a family can sympathize with each other and share common disappointments and hardships. They may feel like they have found a soul mate. After living with each other for some time, they discover that their souls are kindred, but their personalities constantly conflict for power.

For most of us, of course, it is too late to choose a spouse based on his birth order and the sisters or brothers around him in childhood. We have already made a choice and are used to it! If the choice turns out to be unsuccessful, there is still hope; you just have to work harder to overcome those specific obstacles. By being aware of the source of anxiety in an inappropriate combination, problems can be brought under control. It is useful to know that the reason for great differences and disagreements in relationships is simply the order of birth, and no one is to blame for this. The problem is the differences over which they quarrel, but with which they still continue to live. Once you understand, for example, that after getting married, the older brother among brothers and the older sister among sisters tend to conflict over power, you can stop blaming each other and accept that you have a complex combination of personalities. You may even learn to laugh at your conflicts by catching yourself acting like the “big sister among sisters” or the “big brother among brothers.”

The same applies to our close friends whom we make in adulthood. Those with whom we have excellent relationships, as a rule, were in a suitable situation for us in a family environment. Otherwise, this is precisely what can explain the tension that arises in our relationships.

Example

Joan and Arlene lived next door and were friends, they had common social interests, and they both had children the same age. However, they often disagreed on many issues, especially about men in general and their spouses in particular. Arlene was always on the side of men, justifying the behavior of her husband, who treated her poorly, and criticized the women's movement for emancipation. Joan believed that Arlene's husband treated his wife in an unacceptable way and could not understand why Arlene did not break up with him. It is not surprising that Arlene was the older sister of two brothers (and therefore used to taking care of men, spoiling them with this), and Joan was the only child in the family (and was more interested in her own rights and the rights of other women).

The relationship between parents and children may also be affected by birth order. For example, a younger brother among brothers and his father, who was the eldest brother among brothers, will have a close relationship, while a younger brother among sisters is unlikely to develop closeness with such a father.

Knowing the birth order of parents can help in understanding why they are the way they are. For example, the youngest in the family rarely has the experience of caring for others and usually has more difficulty acting as a parent. It often happens that for parents who were the youngest children in their families, their own children are forced to take responsibility for the family.

Oldest child

To begin with, let's say that older children are initially the only children in the family. Then, when they are already accustomed to their privileged position with their parents, they are replaced by a newborn. If such a shift occurs during the first five years of life, the older child experiences severe shock. After five years, the child already has his own place in the world besides the family and is a mature personality, so a newborn poses less of a threat to him.

If the second child is of the opposite sex, the negative reactions of the first are not so dramatic; There is less direct competition between them, so the characteristics of the older child described here are less pronounced.

If the second child is of the same gender as the first, the threat to the older one increases. This leads to one of the common qualities of the eldest child in the family: he tries very hard to be good so that his parents will continue to love him more than the “successor”. Parents, without knowing it, reinforce this desire by telling the elder that he (she) is older and better than the newborn, and therefore more important, although the baby requires so much attention on their part. Parents also expect that the elder will be an example for the younger ones - he is an adult - and will help them take care of the baby. As a result, older children tend to have a variety of parenting qualities; they are caring and nurturing and are often able to take responsibility and lead. More than half of US presidents have been the eldest son, and twenty-one of the twenty-three American astronauts have been either the eldest or the only child. This sense of responsibility can also become a burden, and then older children turn into pedants and restless ones who cannot make mistakes or disappoint parents or other authority figures. If the degree of “success” in a family were measured in crimes, the eldest would be the leader in this too. The eldest can become both a godfather and, like Hitler, obsessed with delusions of grandeur, a world leader.

The emphasis on high achievement causes older children to be more tense, more serious, more reserved and less playful than others. They usually work hard and are more conscientious in everything they do, although they are sensitive to criticism.

Additionally, from birth, older children experience the unique impact of having parents who are new to their role. They, as a rule, are very excited about the birth of their first child, really look forward to this event and carefully follow all the events in the child’s life: the first smile, the first word and the first step - everything is enthusiastically discussed and recorded in the diary. The birth of subsequent children is taken more calmly, as a matter of course, and each subsequent child, most likely, receives less attention and enthusiasm for known achievements. And the firstborn is a grand experiment when the parents don’t even really realize what they are doing. As one playwright said: “Children are like pancakes: the first one is always lumpy.”

Older children identify themselves with their parents and often turn into guardian angels of integrity; they sacredly honor family traditions and morals for their younger brothers and sisters, and then try to carry them into life further. They sometimes become so adamant that they do not want to allow any changes or compromises.

Partly because they make their own way in life, and partly because of their reserve and excessive seriousness, older children often have difficulty making friends. They usually have one close friend. They tend to be sensitive to self-disparagement and do not forgive mistakes of others.

Gender and the number of younger siblings play a vital role in the development of the elder's personality. If all the younger children are of the opposite sex, the qualities described above will be significantly mitigated. And if the younger ones are of the same sex as the older one, and especially if there are two or more of them, then these qualities will be significantly enhanced.

1. The eldest sister among sisters

The eldest sister among sisters is usually a calm, strong and independent person who knows how to take care of herself and others. She is a well-organized person, prone to dominance, and may find it difficult to accept advice or help from others. She is confident in herself and takes the lead, often she has an opinion about everything - the right opinion. She usually tries to please her parents with good behavior and neatness.

The more sisters she has, the less likely she is to get married, if she gets married at all. The youngest brother among sisters who is accustomed to the influence of a strong woman in the family is most suitable for her. She can take care of him and run his life without much objection from him. The younger brother among brothers can also accept her leadership. An only male child is sometimes a good match for the eldest sibling, as he is not used to interacting with peers and will accept her as a mother. The elder brother among brothers is usually the worst option, since both want to dominate, which is why there is a constant struggle for power between them. Since both of them are not used to communicating with the opposite sex, they have difficulties in understanding male/female roles in the family and, most likely, they will disagree with comments like: “All men (women) are such and such.”

When an older sister has children among her sisters, she loses interest in her husband and switches all her attention to motherly duties. She often tends to suppress and overprotect children, and enjoys raising them. She usually prefers having daughters.

Her closest friends are the youngest or middle sisters in her family. She may also have a lot in common with the other older sister among the sisters, and they may get along quite well unless they are involved in some kind of joint projects where there will inevitably be a power struggle between them.

2. The eldest sister among brothers

The eldest sister among brothers is usually a strong, independent woman. She stands firmly on the ground and is a sensible person with a healthy self-orientation, although at times prone to self-deprecation.

Often men for her are the most important thing in life, the most valuable property. The more brothers she has, the truer this is. She will gladly quit her job to take care of her husband, she will set goals for him, will manage his household and take care of his children. Men usually like the eldest sister among brothers because she is nice: she never competes with them and often resembles their mother, sometimes to the extent that they do not perceive her as a romantic companion. The more brothers she has, the more difficult it is for her to choose a husband; she wants to have more men around her. Even after getting married, she manages to communicate with other men in one way or another and acts as a patroness.

The sisters' younger brother would be best suited for her as a husband. They were both used to this environment. She will be a leader and educator if he wants. A younger brother among brothers may accept her leadership, but he will not accept her femininity.

An older brother among brothers is a bad option, since their union threatens to turn into a struggle for power. Having children usually relieves some of the tension, as both enjoy having younger ones around them.

The older sister of the brothers, as a rule, wants children; they are their second property (sometimes even their main property, if they are sons).

If she has female friends, it is usually the younger or middle sister among sisters. Her only daughter can also be a good friend to her.

In the service, the older sister of the brothers is usually a good, although not very diligent, worker. She can act as a mediator in resolving conflicts; she “knows her place” as a woman. She knows how to subtly suggest to her male boss and allows him to attribute success to his own account. If she occupies a leadership position, she usually leads with care, tact, and skillfully shares responsibilities, often because she believes that they are not worth wasting time on.

3. The eldest brother among brothers

This is usually the boss. He is often a leader among men and controls all aspects of his life. Usually quite scrupulous regarding his person and his property. Can be a pedant: from wanting to have the tidiest house possible to wanting to win every game.

He is usually successful in everything he does. He gets along well with others, especially with men, but does not get along closely with anyone. He likes it when women treat him like a mother. He expects a lot from his wife, but gives her little.

The best match for him is his brothers' little sister, who can be a tomboy, but is also smart and attractive and very loving to men. However, to be liked, she must please him more than a younger sister usually does. The eldest sister among brothers may also be suitable for him, as she has maternal qualities. They will conflict mainly over who knows better what to do, although she will most likely give in to him and try to please him. The least suitable person would be the older sister of sisters; a war of ranks and genders will break out between them. Perhaps a relationship will be established between them, reminiscent of two sovereign monarchs forced to share a castle.

Usually he is a strict, conservative parent, and misunderstandings often arise between him and the children, especially the eldest.

In the service, he either accepts the power of the male boss and competes with him or imitates him, or tries to seize a higher position. He shows himself best in the professions of a lawyer, minister, economist, politician, astronaut, president of a company or country.

4. Big brother among sisters

An older brother among sisters is usually much easier to talk to and more fun than an older brother among brothers. He believes that life and love are the main thing. He may be a hedonist in some sense, but he is delicate and selfless.

He is a lover of women and shows attention and tact towards them. He gets along well with almost all women, but what suits him best is his younger sister among his brothers, who almost exactly repeats the situation to which he is accustomed. If he marries the brothers' older sister, conflicts over leadership may arise between them, but the appearance of children usually smoothes this out. The sisters' younger sister may submit to his authority, but she is too easy for him. But the most difficult option is the older sister of the sisters, although he can get along with her, since he knows how to please any woman.

In any case, his wife is always more important to him than his children, although he is a good father, caring and not too strict.

The older brother among sisters is usually not a leader among his peers, although he gets along well with most men. The more sisters he has, the more difficult it is for him to make friends with men - or the more difficult it is to live his whole life with one woman.

As for service, he is usually a good worker, especially if he is surrounded by women. He loves to be a leader, but such an easy, contactable boss who values ​​the result, not the joy of completing a task. He will do best in a job where there are many women - theater, ballet or church. He can also realize himself well in the field of public relations and advertising, but his vocation is pediatrics or obstetrics (gynecology).

Youngest child

Younger children, like an only child, are never supplanted by a newborn. They are always the smallest in the family, to such an extent that most continue to look young and childish into old age. The family continues to nurse them long after the period of infancy ends.

Because they are “little”, children differ in a special way from both older and middle-aged children. They receive a lot of attention, as each family member feels the need to take care of the youngest. They are often more spoiled than other children in the family, but this does not spoil them. They learn to expect only good things from life and therefore grow up to be great optimists.

By the time the youngest child is born, the parents have already accumulated experience in raising and treating children, so neither the father nor the mother no longer feels such reverence for the baby’s achievements and feels more free in the role of parents. They can already afford to sit, lean back and watch the baby, and if the children bother them, they can ignore them. Regardless of the reasons, parents don't have high expectations for younger children and put less pressure on them to achieve things. And they, as you might guess, achieve less in life. They also lack discipline and have difficulty making decisions, as there will always be someone older and more experienced to take responsibility. They continue to expect others (including their spouse) to solve problems for them. Or they may go to the other extreme, becoming offended and refusing any help.

They are not inclined to have high expectations of achievement in life, and should be least expected to carry on family traditions if none of the siblings take it upon themselves. If left to their own devices, they will choose creativity and art.

They may become rebellious if they were pushed around or bullied too much as children, and begin to act “on behalf” of similarly powerless people in society. They tend to break their own rules and norms and are able to attack the hierarchy without directly resisting it. They usually have a courageous outlook on life and are open to any endeavor.

Since they grew up as kids in a family, they realized early on that you couldn’t get what you wanted with the help of aggression, so they learned to get their way through manipulation, pouting, and charming.

They spend their entire lives trying to somehow catch up with their older brothers or sisters, but they fail unless they choose a completely different field of activity or a different way of life, where they can succeed, relying only on themselves.

Even if younger children rebel against authority, they are more inclined to be followers rather than leaders, and tend to please the leader they like. If they happen to be in the position of a boss, their subordinates will like them and their power will not be taken too seriously. Essentially, younger children always remain dependent on others, even if they rebel against the rules. They often choose people older than themselves as spouses, and then rebel against their control.

Younger children, if they were treated well in childhood, usually become sociable, outgoing and popular. If they were treated poorly in childhood, they may grow up shy and irritable.

1. The youngest sister among sisters

The youngest sister among sisters often acts like the youngest throughout her life. She is often spontaneous, cheerful and courageous, no matter how old she is. She can also be reckless, capricious and sometimes even mischievous, as some would say.

She can become competitive, especially with men, but usually she is more inclined to flirt and behave like a true woman. She may try to outdo her older sister in attractiveness, or at least in getting married and having children before her.

The best husband for her is her sisters' older brother, who can control her, as he sees right through her playful demeanor. The older brother among brothers is also suitable, but only according to the family hierarchy, and as for the environment, neither one nor the other had experience of close communication with peers of the opposite sex. The least suitable husband for her would be the youngest brother among brothers. They are most likely to face endless conflicts, since neither one knows how to properly educate others and communicate with peers of the opposite sex.

The youngest sister among sisters does not have the qualities of a tender mother. She usually needs a lot of help in handling the children, if not from her husband and mother, then from a paid nanny. However, she is characterized by a free manner of communicating with children, she knows what they like. Her best friends are the older sisters among sisters. The more sisters she has, the more she needs female friendship and the less she needs men and marriage, even if she is very eager to attract men.

She can perform well in the service if she is led by an older man or woman. Otherwise, he will be an absent-minded worker. Typically, best results are achieved in jobs that require automatic skills, such as being a secretary or a radio announcer. Sometimes she shows her creative nature, but more often she is flighty or unpredictable. She may resent a strict boss, but she herself is usually not a leader and often has difficulty making decisions.

2. The younger sister among brothers

The younger sister among brothers is usually an outgoing, optimistic, attractive, cheerful woman. She is often the favorite of the family and remains so throughout her life. She is lucky in many ways, although she does not put much effort into it.

She can be a tomboy and in some circumstances she can develop anger towards men, then she will strive to compete with them. However, she usually easily seduces men with her pleasant appearance and ease. They just crowd around. And she, in turn, loves men very much. The more brothers she has, the more difficult it is for her to live her whole life with one man.

As a rule, she marries successfully and considers her husband to be her lucky acquisition. At times she is too submissive, although she can also be selfish. She usually has several male friends or mentors other than her husband.

Her best option for marriage is the eldest brother among sisters. He usually gets along well with women and knows how to please someone so charming. She often feels very reliable with men and it is easier for her than other women to make the most successful choice. She is smart enough to stay away from the eldest brother among brothers, who may be attracted by her charms but not won over. The youngest brother among brothers would be the least suitable for her, since both want to be taken care of, and he does not have the patience to come to terms with her femininity.

She may want to have children to please her husband, and will become such a good mother that her sons will become attached to her.

Usually she does not seek friendship with women; they often envy her.

She's not a careerist. If she does work, she achieves the best results as a subordinate to an older male boss.

3. The youngest brother among brothers

The youngest brother among brothers often looks like a fearless youth on a flying trapeze. He is stubborn, capricious and rebellious. Many murderers and terrorists are usually younger sons.

He is often unpredictable; can arrive in a cheerful mood and immediately fall into despondency. He may succeed at something one time and fail another time. He usually does not plan anything in advance, lives one day at a time and has unpredictable desires, which makes him malleable and easily adaptable.

He can be caring and good-natured when everything goes well, often a mystic or romantic. But when things go wrong, most often he just disappears, because he doesn't like to lose. Having become accustomed to getting things, as an adult, he often squanders money.

The younger brother among brothers is usually a sociable person, but is shy about women. As a child, he has little contact with peers, so he is afraid of women and does not understand them.

Sometimes he is too polite, which creates the impression of awkwardness, clumsiness, or he acts as a clown in female society. The best match for him is an older sister among brothers, especially if she has pronounced maternal qualities. He can allow his life to be controlled if it is done unobtrusively. The middle sister, who has younger brothers, also often turns out to be a wonderful match for him. But the most difficult marriage he has is with his younger sister among sisters. Neither of them knows how to get along with the opposite sex, and neither of them wants to be responsible for the household or children. Children are usually a burden for them; however, he can be a good companion to his children, especially boys, as it is easy for him to play with them at their level.

Often male friends are more important to him than his wife or children. He works best when there is someone to compete with, or under the supervision of a boss. In his work, he is often a “follower”, or comes up with unusual, often unacceptable proposals. Since the younger brother is not capable of intellectual competition with his older brother, while growing up, he is most often interested in physical activity, for example, sports, dancing, creativity - art or acting.

4. Younger brother among sisters

The youngest brother among sisters is cared for by women throughout his life. Most of the time he really likes it. But if his sisters bossed him around too much, he might grow up to be a rebel. If he is allowed to be persistent, he develops high self-esteem and takes for granted that women love him and are willing to please him.

As a child, he is a favorite and darling - not only because he is the youngest, but also because he is the only boy whom his parents may have longed to have. Research shows that most parents want at least one boy and continue to have children until they have at least one. Because of this specific position, he usually does not need to make any special effort to stand out from other children. He may be capable at work, but he is not always willing to show diligence. If he is very interested and talented, he can become a good specialist in his field, especially if he is provided with good care at home. However, he may have difficulties when there are deadlines at work, or when he needs to follow the intended path. It works best in those areas where there are strict instructions for work and certain frameworks that do not require motivation on the part of the employee.

He is characterized by frequent mood swings, although he is usually good-natured. If there are good relations in his family of origin, then he remains close to his sisters throughout his life. The more sisters he has, the more difficult it is for him to live with one wife. However, he usually marries well and often has a large selection of women who are happy to please him, even if he does not pay much attention to them. The best match for him is the elder sister among brothers, who knows how to take care of men and is glad to be the companion of a great man, regardless of whether he does anything great or not. No matter who he marries, his sisters can continue to look after him. If he has children, he perceives them as a burden. He may see his son as a rival, so most often he gets along better with his daughters. Usually he is happy without children, so his wife has to take on all parental functions, at least until the children are old enough to share his interests. If his wife is also the youngest in her family, then neither spouse will want to bear the burden of parental responsibility, and they often get along just fine without children.

Middle child

Middle children, whether the second child of three or one of several middle children in a family with four or more children, are difficult to describe. At the same time, they are older in relation to the children who appeared after them, and younger for those who were born earlier, so they are often difficult to identify and have few distinctive features of their own. In the end, they are not distinguished by their position - like firstborns because they are first, or last children because they are small. One study of families with three or more children found that the oldest and youngest children were favorites.

Middle children never receive as much parental attention as firstborns. They do not long enjoy the calm atmosphere characteristic of the birth of children following the firstborn; they are soon replaced by a newborn. Thus, the middle child is forced to compete with the older, stronger and smarter child, and with the younger, more cunning and dependent child. As a result, the middle child may flounder, trying to be like both the older child and the little one, with no idea how to become an independent person. Therefore, average children, when they become adults, are usually lacking initiative or are incapable of original thinking. In general, they do worse than other children in school and are less inclined than other children to go to college.

Middle children, having neither the rights of the eldest child nor the privileges of the youngest, often feel that life is unfair.

In their attempts to feel like a person, middle children may develop a competitive streak, and if the only way to survive in a winning family is to become a destroyer, then that is what the middle child will do. They may take the path of self-destruction by getting too carried away, for example, by drinking or eating, or they may become socially destructive by joining a gang or becoming a petty criminal (but rarely a seasoned liar). They often develop annoying, attention-seeking habits.

While middle children tend to be more responsible than younger children, they tend to have more problems than older or younger children, and they are more likely to be introverts. They lack the authority of the elder and the spontaneity of the younger. However, middle children are able to adapt well to communicating with a wide variety of people, since they have to learn to live in a world with the very different characters of the younger and older generations of children. Therefore, they are very friendly to everyone and actively look for friends. They become excellent mediators and often choose the professions of diplomats, secretaries, hairdressers, athletes and waiters - those that require tact and as little aggressiveness as possible. ‘Since they crave attention and love, they can go into the entertainment industry.

Of course, there is a huge variety of average positions for the age and gender of the child, as well as the number of siblings. And there are too many to discuss each separately. In general, the average child tends to take on the traits of that position in the order of his birth to which he is closer in the family. In other words, the middle child, who is closer in age to the eldest or is the second of four or more children, will be more like the eldest child. If the middle child is at the lower end of the age scale in relation to the older child, then his or her characteristics will be more similar to those of the younger sibling. If the middle child is exactly in the middle, then he will share the characteristics of both the older and the younger child, and will have the most confused characteristics of all the middle children.

The fundamental factor in the development of the personality of the middle children in the family is the gender and age of his brothers and sisters.

A boy who has an older brother and a younger sister will be different from a boy who has an older sister and a younger brother.

If all children are the same gender, then the middle child is at the greatest disadvantage. He (or she) will receive the least amount of attention and will develop a strong need for competition. The middle child is likely to have a mixture of characteristics, consisting almost equally of the characteristics of the older and younger child, and will grow up to be the most anxious and self-critical.

If the youngest and oldest children in a family are of the opposite sex, the middle child may end up receiving the most attention from the family. As a result, this may result in the middle child becoming everyone's favorite - it will be very difficult for him to find a mate, since his family situation cannot be repeated. This child will also have difficulty making friends with peers of the same sex.

If there is more diversity among children, then it is much more difficult to describe the average child. For example, a girl with an older brother and a younger sister will have mixed characteristics of a younger sister among brothers and an older sister among sisters. Depending on the ratio of their ages, she may be more like one or the other, but it is still very difficult to give an exact definition. If the middle child has older brothers and sisters and younger brothers and sisters, then his personality is completely impossible to describe in terms of the order of his birth.

Only child

Children without siblings have the best and worst possible environments. They are always both the oldest and youngest child in the family. As a result, they can have many of the characteristics of an older child while still remaining a child in many respects even as adults.

More than children in any other family, an only child takes on the character traits characteristic of the position in the family of a parent of the same sex. For example, an only daughter whose mother is the youngest sister among brothers may be more capricious and flirtatious than one whose mother is the older sister among sisters. In fact, an only child can be very similar to the parent of the same sex until he encounters difficulties or a stressful situation when his individual personality traits - the qualities of an only child in the family - emerge.

Because only children are never replaced by younger siblings, they develop a habit of going without company and a stronger sense of self-worth than older children in the family, with less need to control others. They are less burdened by someone else's authority and calmly expect help from others if they need it. Only children generally demand a lot from life. Since parents also expect a lot from an only child, as well as from the eldest, among others, the only child usually differs in school and in his future aspirations. He may even turn into a pedant and get very upset if something doesn’t go well for him. And, indeed, they usually succeed in everything; in numerous tests that determine learning ability, they show the best results of all options for the order of birth in the family. Because only children are not used to living with other children, they often do not know how to form close relationships with peers in adulthood when they marry or begin living with someone else.

They are unfamiliar with the challenges of living side by side and in close contact with other children, so it can be difficult to accept or understand the normal mood swings of those around them. They cannot always understand how a person who was recently angry with them suddenly begins to laugh and joke as if nothing had happened. They are not accustomed to the difficulties of other individuals and throughout their lives they can feel most comfortable only when alone with themselves. This does not mean that only children do not like other people or have difficulty becoming a member of any group, but that they are accustomed to solitude. Even childhood friends who are the same age cannot make up for the lack of family relationships with other children in the family. Due to the lack of opportunities to play with other children, an only child is usually not as playful as the others and may act like a small adult. Thanks to early adult conversations, he develops excellent speech skills, but as an adult, he least deserves the epithet “chatty, talkative.” Light mutual banter, teasing among peers is not his style. However, while it may take some time for an only child to learn to communicate easily, most only children become adults who are easy to get along with.

For children born in the fifties or earlier, there is one significant factor that requires analysis: why are they only children? Before the 1960s, having one child was extremely unusual. This is often a sign that the parents had problems - physical, emotional or financial - that prevented them from having other children. Today, of course, many couples strive to have smaller families. In any case, if there were problems in the family that prevented the birth of other children, these same problems inevitably had a great impact on the only child.

In our culture, there is a distinction between only one boy and one only girl, which is described below.

1. Only son

Judging by the data obtained that most parents prefer to have at least one boy, we can conclude that an only son is preferable to an only daughter in the family. The only boy is the favorite of two adults, and in many families he gets used to constant approval, encouragement and sympathy. He gets the impression that the rest of the world should treat him with the same enthusiasm. If recognition comes to him, he usually takes it for granted. Others should not expect much support from him. He is generally reluctant to change course for someone unless that is part of his plans. But this is not the reason why the only son is often lonely. He may be liked by others, but he himself does not seek friendship and prefers his own person to any other company.

He can take almost any woman as his wife, just as he can leave any woman. He is, indeed, not very suitable for close relationships with peers; he was used to his parents taking care of all his basic needs, allowing him to be a little genius. Therefore, the wife of an only son is often expected to make his life easier without asking much in return.

Acting as an older brother in a family with other children, he could create a family with a younger or middle sister among the brothers. The eldest sister among brothers may also be suitable, playing the role of mother to him. An only daughter is usually the most difficult combination for him. Both may experience anxiety in case of stress or tension about distance from a peer, since neither of them is used to communicating with the opposite sex, and both want their partner to take on the role of parent. If they do marry each other, they often decide (wisely) not to have children.

If an only son has children, then usually his wife takes full responsibility for them; he rarely shows a desire to take on parental responsibilities.

The only son, like the eldest son, often achieves great success. In general, he strives for a position at work where he can show off his achievements, as was the case in his parents’ family.

2. Only daughter

The only daughter often considers herself an exceptional person—Her Highness—and is offended if others treat her differently. She craves approval, if not adoration, especially from men. She often finds it difficult to understand other people if they are different. At the same time, she is characterized by maturity, which is rarely found at her age, and an eternal “childishness”.

Parents often overprotect their only daughter, and this leads to the fact that, as she grows up, she expects the same protection and care from friends and her husband. The husband she chooses (and it is she who makes the choice) must be a flexible, sociable, good-natured person who can cope with her waywardness. It is best if he is older than her, the kind of person whom her whims and tests of his love will amuse and not frighten. Like the only son, the only daughter does not have a particular psychotype of man particularly suitable for her to marry. An older brother among sisters or (since she can be considered the eldest child in the family) a younger brother among sisters would be better suited than others. The middle brother among sisters may also be suitable.

Her only son is the least suitable for her, since one can hardly expect adoration from him, and from her - indulgence in his requests. They can still get along if they have common professional interests or even entertainment. Of all the possible combinations of married couples, this one is the least likely to have children.

If the only daughter has children, then her husband may have to take on most of the parental responsibilities, which will be quite natural for the eldest or middle brother among brothers and sisters.

The only daughter's friends will most likely be older sisters among sisters, or sometimes younger sisters among sisters. She wants to have friends more than her only son, and she can seek close communication even without knowing how to easily achieve this.

An only daughter is usually smart and competent, but she can waste her talent if she doesn't find herself in her ideal work situation: she would be best suited to working alone or under the supervision of a kind older man.

Twins

If there are no other children in the family, then twins are like two children, regardless of gender, without age conflicts. Both will have the characteristics of both the youngest and oldest child of their gender. However, in those families where the parents constantly emphasize that one was born first, especially if several hours have passed between their births, then the first may play the role of the eldest and treat the second as the youngest. All twins are unusually close to each other, and if they are same-sex, they often act like one person.

When there are more children in the family, both twins increase the characteristics characteristic of their order of birth. For example, if boy twins are the youngest among girls, then they will be very similar to one younger brother among sisters.

In tests of intellectual development, twins show the lowest results of all children, perhaps because there is great mutual influence between them, and at each stage of life they have the same level of mental development. In addition, others are less likely to need attention from others and are less willing to learn from elders, be they siblings, parents or teachers. They are too isolated, a tightly knit little team. In fact, other siblings or classmates have little in common with them. And often it is difficult for them to separate when they get married. Even opposite-sex twins find it difficult to separate, although they are accustomed to close communication with a peer of the opposite sex. Identical twins are especially difficult to separate. They often marry twins. Sometimes they may have one lover or friend between them, and they do not quarrel over him, because they perceive themselves as one whole, as one person.

Psychologists say that there is a certain dynamic in the relationship between an older brother and a younger sister. Models of such relationships are often shown on television shows. The girl walks with her friends, and her older brother looks after her and protects her in every possible way. A sister can always turn to her older brother for advice. At first there are quarrels and disagreements between them, but after a few minutes they are ready to stand up for each other - including in front of their parents. And parents can confirm that this is largely true. When the children play in the yard, the brother often stands up for his sister, and when the brother plays for the school football team, the sister becomes the main fan and does not miss a single game.

As an older brother, he teaches his sister to distinguish between right and wrong behavior. Sometimes he even over-educates his sister. In turn, for the sister, the brother becomes an object of adoration. She would like to play with him and spend more time, but due to the age difference this usually does not happen.

Such brother-sister relationships begin in childhood and continue for many years. They enjoy being in each other's company. They have fun, watch movies and play computer games together. When one of them achieves something, the brother or sister is usually the first to know about it.

Many women and girls agree that there are many benefits for girls that are only possible when they have an older brother. Let's look at some of them.

1. Your older brother teaches you about sports.

Thanks to your older brother, you not only know the rules of the game of football, which you would never figure out on your own, but also the basic commands. With an older brother, you even begin to recognize the faces of football stars.

2. An older brother teaches you to be tough in situations where you need to be tough.

If in childhood there were not all these conflicts with your brother and hooligan antics on his part, you would never have learned to stand up for yourself in difficult situations.

3. It will be easier for you to build romantic relationships in the future because you already know a lot about male thinking.

If a guy invites you to watch football on TV with him instead of a romantic dinner, you probably won’t lose your temper. For other girls who don't have an older brother, this could be the end of the world.

4. Do you know what you would be like if you were a man?

Probably every girl has thought about this at least once, and only those who have an older brother know about it for sure.

5. You have someone fun to hang out with on your family vacation.

Not to mention, you always get to choose your seat on the bus.

6. Big brother will always tell you the truth

When you want to be supported and told that you are the best, no matter what, you go to your parents. But when you need an honest opinion on something, it's best to turn to your brother.

7. But at the same time, your older brother will be the first to compliment you when you look irresistible.

When you're getting ready for a date, you may need an outside perspective.

8. Your older brother will warn you against quarreling with your parents, because he has already been in similar situations himself.

Thanks to your brother's advice, you know what you can say to your parents and what will inevitably lead to a quarrel. He experienced this first hand.

9. Your older brother will defend you to your parents.

At the same time, he may say that you bring him nothing but trouble, but when necessary, his brother will take your side.

10. Big brother will always help you carry heavy bags

With it, any trip or trip to the store will not be a burden to you.

11. You always have someone to “cry into your vest”

Although he may say that he hates when girls cry (and this may indeed be true), he will always listen to you if you need it.

12. You can always get sincere advice from your older brother.

When your brother advises you something, you understand that he is telling you this sincerely, not out of envy or jealousy.

13. You have someone to be proud of

When your brother succeeds in something, you feel proud of him and brag to your friends. In many ways, your older brother becomes your role model.

14. Big brother always protects you, no matter the situation or place

Younger sisters often hear from their brothers that they are ready to punish anyone who offends their sister. And even when a brother lives his own life, he is ready to come to you even in the middle of the night if something threatens you.

15. You can talk to your older brother all night long.

Many siblings have common topics that they can talk about all night. And this becomes a pleasant memory for life.

16. You have a best friend who is always there

In other words, the relationship between an older brother and a younger sister is something special. This relationship is full of tenderness and love. Often, even in adulthood, when everyone has their own family and their own life, brother and sister remain best friends and support each other in everything.

Natasha met her future husband during an anniversary meeting with classmates. It was 10 years since they graduated from school, so they decided to celebrate it at the dacha of Boris, a guy from their class. There Natalya saw Vlad, his younger brother. She saw it and was surprised: where were her eyes before, why didn’t she notice such a handsome guy at school?..

After the party they started calling each other and meeting. And six months later, Vlad made her an official marriage proposal. Natalya agreed immediately: firstly, she liked the guy, and secondly, she knew his older brother well. Boris has always been very serious, independent, responsible and hardworking. The only one of those who, even in the last grade, did all his homework and who could be copied in class, a reliable friend in all matters...

What a surprise it was when, just a few months later, she realized: Vlad is the complete opposite of his older brother. Frivolous, careless, lazy, incapable of anything either at home or, especially, in serious life matters.

Falling in love gave way to disappointment. Natalya began to think that she had made a mistake in choosing Vlad...

Now let’s remember the fairy tale about how one father had three sons: the eldest is smart, the second is neither this nor that, and the third, the youngest, is a fool and a fool... This fairy tale very accurately and vividly characterizes three types of men .

Older brother- and indeed often the smartest. And not only among his brothers and sisters, but also among his colleagues. Since childhood, he was an authority on the younger ones, he was used to taking care of them, protecting them, and being responsible for them to his parents. Therefore, he knows how to light a fire and cook soup... He usually transfers his responsibility and care to friends, classmates, colleagues, and over time - to his parents, especially the elderly. The elder brother is accustomed to work from an early age, he studies diligently at school, and then works conscientiously and purposefully. The eldest is more likely than other brothers to succeed in his career. At home, he is a thrifty and caring husband, father and son, who well understands his purpose - to provide and protect. This is exactly the man about whom they say: “Behind your husband is like behind a stone wall.”

Middle-brother- so-so... But only at a glance. The “average” ones turn out to be quite talented and successful people, because the middle one competes with the older one for primacy throughout his entire childhood. In addition, the middle brother usually has a more malleable character: he is not used to commanding and reading morals, like the elder, he knows how to negotiate. He constantly strives for leadership and does not like to obey, so in adult life he tries to choose a job where he will be his own boss. It is from this cohort that many business people emerge... By the way, for family life such men are simply a godsend. They do not have extremes in character. It is easy to find a common language with them.

Jr- usually everyone's favorite, often a runt. He gets used to this role and tries to be in it all his life. Since childhood, he has been embraced by the love and care of not only his parents, but also his older brothers and sisters. They forgive him what they do not forgive others. Therefore, the youngest gets used to hiding behind the backs of the elders in difficult situations and not answering for anything. The habit turns into a character trait, and eventually a person grows up who takes problems lightly in the family, at work, and in life in general. The younger ones are not used to straining themselves, taking responsibility, or overcoming difficulties, which is why it is difficult for them to make a career. But they are often the soul of the team. Younger brothers are usually very sociable. Since childhood, they have become accustomed to avoiding conflicts with older, physically stronger people, and have learned to quell disputes with sweet smiles, excuses and excuses... Living with such a man is quite difficult. You will have to take on the role of “mom” - make all important decisions yourself: make repairs, raise children, and at the same time - your husband. And you will also have to endure his cheerful companies, friends and, possibly, girlfriends...