You don’t appreciate when they are waiting for you. Do not forgive cheating! Any betrayal is a comparison, a search for something better than you have. He who seeks the best will never appreciate what he has. Conflict with the boss because of harsh words addressed to him

There are many reasons why a person does not appreciate what he has at the moment. And the first one is addiction. A person simply gets used to a certain state of affairs, it becomes normal for him, so he ceases to perceive it as something joyful or extraordinary. If you have wanted to buy something for a long time, saved up for it for a long time and finally bought it, then at first you will appreciate the acquisition, enjoy its possession. However, after a while, such a long-awaited purchase will no longer seem so unusual to you, you will get used to its existence.

Sometimes this happens in a relationship with another person. The habit makes the relationship cooler, the partner may not even notice the other next to him. And now the value of intimacy disappears, there is no such joy from communication that was present before. More and more time is devoted to each other's shortcomings, after which a break is quite possible.

No comparison - no value

The second reason for this lack of value is that a person does not compare what he owns at the moment with what was in the past or may be in the future, when he may lose something dear to his heart. As a rule, a person does not think about the fact that he can lose everything, he gets used to believe that his position will remain unchanged. As soon as a person thinks about the situation, how it can be bad for him without a loved one by his side or without his property, the value of this immediately increases in his eyes. It is very useful to do such representations from time to time, as they help to appreciate more what is nearby at the moment.

Live in the present and be grateful

Related to this is the person's unwillingness to pay attention to the moment, to live in the present. Most often, the individual is in dreams or thoughts about the future, sometimes he is busy with what he had in the past. But to live in the present moment, to appreciate it and everything around - few think about it. In addition, people are constantly in a hurry, this prevents them from seeing life as it is. This means that they should treat with respect and trepidation everything that is so valuable to them.

A person is inherently quite selfish, he does not have the habit of giving thanks for what he has. More often than not, he gets upset about what he is losing. The constant search for more and more profitable options, a better job, a more beautiful partner next to them, a more luxurious home environment makes people love and appreciate not what they already have, but a mythical image of a better future.

HRTimes # 29

When I was 13 years old, I suffered the first strong disappointment "in life and in people." I was finishing seventh grade. Throughout the school year, I got good grades, attended school events, played the piano at school concerts and was actively involved in community service, which, I confess, is not very typical for me. And at the end of the school year, the best students are given certificates and gifts. I was sure that I would also receive an award. But they didn't give me anything. That is, my successes, involvement in the life of the class were not noticed either by the class teacher, or by other teachers, or by our headman. It was a shame. Then the bitter feeling of not being recognized quickly passed and gave way to other impressions. But the memory, as you can see, remains.

Recently, my client, the head of a department of a large company, a charismatic, team-based, enthusiastic person, shared a rather natural, but sad fact. He asked people in his department to add a simple question to the annual employee engagement survey: "Do you feel like the leader recognizes your merits, successes, results?" The answer options are no less simple: yes / no. This manager does a lot of work with his employees, discusses current issues with them, regularly gives feedback and, which is important, tries to praise those who successfully and on time coped with the next project, achieved a significant result, and made an interesting proposal. But what was the answer given by most of the staff? To the bewilderment and regret of the head of the department, the answers were mostly negative. Despite his managerial efforts, people still feel insufficiently recognized. The fact is sad, but alas, quite predictable. Confession is never enough. The world around us is less indifferent to us than we deserve.

To be honest, my dear clients, after getting acquainted with the results of their own assessment of "360 degrees" or socio mapping, are often disappointed to tears - in colleagues, in the company and in the general world order. Everyone considered themselves better, more efficient and more popular than it turns out in the end. By the way, one of the most “rated” and “recognized” managers also complained about the “underestimation” and indifference of those around him: “Yes, they recognize me in the team, while I am around and bring benefit, but as soon as I get sick, they immediately forgot about me. No, they don't really appreciate me. "

But here it is necessary to separate work and private life. Family and friends support us in illness, but not always employees. With working difficulties, you can count on your team, but hardly on a friendly circle.

"Why do you think you are being underestimated?" - I asked different employees. The answers are typical. Some people who have an external locus of control blame others for everything. “I did so much, but they don’t praise me”, “they don’t raise salaries”, “they don’t give a new position”, “they don’t entrust serious projects”, “they leave only routine, and others get the most interesting things”, “they don’t take my opinion into account”.

Others, with an internal locus of control, blame themselves: "I failed to show my talents", "I could not build relationships so that my results were visible", "I simply did not have enough time to achieve my goals." And I, as a consultant, look from the outside and think: "Have you really been underestimated - or is it just our general tendency to overestimate our talents and successes?" In fact, both are happening.

Let's remember early childhood - after all, it is in the preschool period that the main traits of our character are formed, “key vectors” and the foundations of personality are laid. Some parents are very stingy with praise. Whatever the child does right and good, it is not enough to win the approval of the elders. The unsatisfied need for recognition continues to accompany a person, "adapting" already to the realities of adult life. The feeling of unrecognized, underestimated becomes part of the character. Even receiving praise, our hero continues to painfully want a new portion of rewards.

Or another plot. “You are better than anyone else, you deserve more,” a powerful parental message sounds. Inadequately high self-esteem makes the poor fellow then suffer all his life from an eternal lack of admiration, which he was fed in abundance in infancy.

Let's leave the inflated ego at the mercy of petty passions and try to act rationally and constructively. When we seem to be underestimated, we should calmly figure out what exactly and why. The worst thing you can do is harbor resentment, get angry, give up, invest less in work, stop trusting others. And the best way to deal with negative feelings is to understand and accept the true nature of your experiences, to continue to work effectively, not to neglect reasonable opportunities to “show yourself”, to talk openly with management and clarify expectations. And one day everything can change dramatically. When I was constantly sent to Olympiads in the humanities in high school, I was proud (“I am appreciated!”) And at the same time worried (“What if they overestimate my talents?”). The ill-fated and insidious "impostor effect" came into full force and brought many difficult minutes. So everything needs a middle ground.

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Learn to get away from people who don't appreciate you in time

Healthy, fulfilling relationships require constant, uninterrupted work. Unfortunately, if one partner begins to make less effort and time than the other, there is an imbalance in the balance of importance between them. Most often, this behavior can be seen in women. Despite the fact that their men began to devote less time, attention, and generally began to avoid them, the girls have an obsession, by all means, to return the old attitude, instead of learning to leave the people who are their do not appreciate. Let's take a closer look at this!

The feeling of love is not always involved in the persistence of girls. They can also be led by curiosity and hurt pride... After all, everything was fine, right? He wrote, and called, and asked on dates. So why has it all stopped? What happened? Women want answers to these questions, and they start to write first, call, even manage to ask the guy out on a date. But, as a rule, they will be disappointed, because it is not just that the man has moved away from them. There are exceptions, for example, the guy had problems that he had to solve. Or an ex-girlfriend could show up, for whose sake he is ready to leave everything and everyone, just to return to her.

You can continue to seek the location of the guy, follow him and his life, try to get everything back, or you can act more reasonably, and learn to get away from people who don't appreciate you in time... Yes, it’s difficult, it’s painful, but it will help you get yourself back, stop living on guesswork. If you are dear to a person, if he appreciates you, if he wants to be near you, he will. He himself will find an opportunity to write, call or come. Don't make excuses. Being honest with yourself will make your life much easier.

Learn to let people out of your life, not with anger, but with gratitude for the lessons they taught you, for the experience you received, for the time you spent together. Be patient and keep moving forward, everything will be fine with you, you need to wait a little, and everything will work out, it will definitely work out.

Stay tuned for topical and helpful articles on psychology.

Marchenkova Veronika

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