What to do if your child is withdrawn, too shy or unsociable? Is your child really withdrawn or is it a personality trait

1) Closed - aloof, reserved, distant.

A closed child is a distant child who feels the need to move away from a world that is too painful for him.

2) Causes of violations. A shy child knows how to communicate with others, but does not know how to use these skills. A closed child does not want and does not know how to communicate.

Such children cause almost no disturbance, so adults are usually happy with them.

3) Signs. Closed children tend to spend most of their time alone or with loved ones (mom, dad). Usually such children endure even short separations from their loved ones very hard, they cry, get nervous and do not let their parents go. They actively manifest the fear of being rejected, abandoned.

In order to overcome this, it is necessary to talk with the child more often, parents must say more often that they love their child, that they need him. In general, emotional instability is a characteristic feature of withdrawn children.

Such children can speak very quietly, almost in a whisper. They may keep aloof from everyone, be afraid to join a peer group or try something new. They are often lonely, they have no friends or they have too few. Closed children hide everything inside themselves.

4) Portrait. Closed children are introverts. They are non-conflict, responsive, responsible, but, unfortunately, they hardly decide on any action, but if they start a business, they do it impeccably, persistently, stubbornly.

Cons - excessive suspiciousness, vindictiveness, the ability to unpredictable actions, they do not tolerate failures well - at the same time they lose confidence in themselves and their abilities, therefore, all the time they need incentives and a positive attitude towards themselves.

5) Correction. When working with a shy child, close adults try to develop his communication skills, and if the child is withdrawn, then work should be primarily aimed at shaping the desire to communicate and developing communication skills in the child.

If a closed child grows in a family, you need to expand the circle of his passive communication. Adviсe:

take the baby with you to the store, to the library or to visit, where there are a lot of people;

communicate in the presence of the baby with people unfamiliar to him;

do not insist that the child take part in the conversation, the barrier of isolation cannot be overcome immediately;

it is necessary to create such conditions that the child feels calm, comfortable, safe. For example, when talking, hold his hand, stroke his head or take him on your lap;

emphasize the advantage and usefulness of communication, tell the child what new and interesting things you learned and what pleasure you got when communicating with this or that person;

if you notice that, despite this, the child is becoming more alienated and more withdrawn, seek counseling from a psychologist;

try to involve the child in forced communication - ask to make a purchase, find out what time it is, etc.

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Joint board games;

Fantastic drawing;

Any role-playing game.

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No one has yet been able to raise and raise a child without encountering problems. One of the fairly common questions that psychologists turn to is why the child is closed, and what should we do now?
The situation is very serious, and it needs to be solved immediately, but not with impudence and coercion, but with competent actions and sincere love for your baby.
Each person is individual in their appearance, behavior, character and habits. The norms of socialization and communication have a very wide range, taking into account the existence of various psychotypes that determine the personality of a person, from a pronounced extrovert to an extreme introvert.
But today the conversation will not be about the psychological temperament and introvert from birth, but about the crisis situation, when an open and sociable child became withdrawn, quiet, not wanting to communicate with others.

From the first day of birth, the baby is surrounded by relatives, mom, dad and other relatives. He knows that he will always get what he wants, one has only to give a sign. With age, the circle of desires expands, and more and more often parents have to say “no” to the baby. How he perceives the refusal, whether he understands the reason or closes in himself, depends only on the parents.
The outside world very often puts forward painful situations in front of the baby, realizing the impossibility of solving them, the baby tries to move away from troubles. The reason for the child's isolation can be the most harmless situations in an adult's opinion. But, usually, the baby quickly stops "sulking", forgetting about the problem.

Closure in a child is a reaction of the protective system. A weak, not yet formed psyche finds salvation and a necessary source of energy precisely in isolation.

It is not difficult for attentive parents to distinguish a minor offense from a serious psychological trauma. Symptoms such as:

• Taciturnity. A child may not say anything at all for days on end, and if they turn to him, answer in a whisper.
• Uncertainty. The kid avoids expressing his opinion, dodges or remains silent.
• Alertness. There is a clear fear of everything new and unfamiliar.
• On the street or in kindergarten, the child eschews peers, and tries to retire in a secluded corner. Of course, it may be that he is simple.
• Does not support the conversation or interrupts it without answering the question addressed to him.
• The kid became very careful in his statements, it is noticeable that he selects and considers every word.

In addition to behavioral deviations, psychosomatic symptoms very often appear, for example, in closed children, it is noted:

• shallow breathing;
• Frequent attacks of pain in the epigastric region for no apparent reason (the area is part of the abdomen in the upper, middle region just below the ribs);
• Lack of gestures when speaking.
• An irresistible urge to hide a hand in a pocket, and in its absence to remove it behind the back.

At the same time, it is important not to confuse a closed child and an introvert, which is characterized by some isolation, shyness and lack of communication. Only a specialist can understand this. Therefore, if the child is closed, does not make contact, but moves away more and more, immediately visit a psychologist.
The doctor will help to understand the situation, identify the cause of isolation, and give recommendations in relation to a closed child.

Reasons for rejection

Psychologists identify several of the most common reasons for such changes in behavior, these are:

In the vast majority of cases, it is impossible for family members of a closed baby to independently determine the cause. Therefore, if symptoms of isolation appear in a child, it is strongly recommended to consult a psychologist.

In no case should you try to force the child to make contact and change their behavior. This can further aggravate the situation. Parents need to draw up the right line of behavior together with the psychologist, and in all their actions and actions, show maximum restraint, sincere attention and love for the baby.
Of course, the decision must be made on an individual basis. It is impossible to get the best advice from a psychologist that saves a child from isolation over the Internet. But, there are proven and proven techniques that psychologists most often advise to adhere to, these are:

• From the first days of a child's life, parents need to perceive him as he is. In no case should you try to realize your unfulfilled dreams through a son or daughter.
• When communicating with your baby, always listen to him very carefully. When answering, try to explain your point of view as clearly as possible for him, to sort out why it is impossible to do this, and what is the best thing to do in a particular situation.
• In no case do not tell the child that his isolation is a serious problem.
• Always involve the baby in the discussion of all family problems, and often ask his opinion. This will increase self-esteem and self-worth.
• Encourage your child's self-realization through creativity. You can not limit the child's addiction to drawing, singing or dancing, if it seems to you that he does it awkwardly and ineptly.
• Praise and punishment should immediately follow deeds. At the same time, it is important that the baby understands why he was praised and why he was punished.
• Always be sincere with your son and daughter, children are very sensitive to falsehood, and this hurts them more than inattention.

Consequences of childhood isolation

An outwardly closed child can look very positive. Unfamiliar people have the impression that the child is simply well-mannered and restrained. School teachers often point to such children as an example, as they usually do well in school.

According to the prevailing stereotypes, the isolation of children of different sexes is perceived differently. , rash acts, hypermobility is considered a priority for boys. Therefore, if such a child closes, the causes are detected more easily and faster. A closed girl is perceived by most as a modest, well-mannered and virtuous nature. As a result, late diagnosis leads to serious problems in the future life.

An indecisive person grows up from a closed child, incapable of making independent decisions. The vast majority of such people suffer from an inferiority complex, which is why they remain lonely. And also, the problem of the child's isolation that is not resolved in a timely manner becomes the cause of a mental disorder in the future, and can lead to suicidal attempts.

See the video for some of the mistakes parents make.

Unstable, with poor appetite, sleep disturbances against the background of a general decrease in mood at the slightest change in his difficult childhood life ..

Such children shun strangers, they behave constrainedly, getting into a new situation. Usually they are strongly attached to their mother, and even her short absence can be painful. They are quite cozy and comfortable in their confined space, it is not so easy to lure them out and talk. But it is very important to do so!

Shy children are distinguished from shy children by their unwillingness and inability to communicate. Shy people tend to communicate, despite the fact that they do not know how. And a closed child lives inside his own little world, allowing only those closest to him to enter it. Parents often make a fatal mistake, considering the isolation of their child as a sign of genius. Say, my talent with ordinary children is not interesting. And in every possible way encourage the child's refusal to communicate with his own kind. But in fact, closed children, like Chekhov's man in a case, are deeply unhappy personalities - it is incredibly difficult for them to get along with people, build relationships and adapt at least somehow to a world alien to them.

Reasons for isolation

Experts say that the degree of isolation of the child is directly affected by ... the duration of pregnancy. A severely premature baby, as a rule, becomes an introvert (a person for whom the inner world is much more important than the outer world). Apparently, the long stay in the incubator immediately after birth, where premature babies are nursed, is to blame. But this is just one reason out of many.

A child can withdraw into himself when he is tired, sick,. But such withdrawals are usually short-lived. The situation is much more serious when external circumstances become the cause of isolation (mocking of peers about appearance, parental quarrels, etc.). In such situations, most children consider themselves guilty, so they try to become as less noticeable as possible, thereby supposedly helping their parents to reconcile. Frequent illnesses and the resulting isolation from other children also provoke isolation. At first, the baby is upset, then he resigns himself and gets used to seeing only his mother and grandmother next to him.

How to be parents with such a child?

If you are always attentive to your child, then you can make adjustments in time. If the kid does not have a hundred friends, and he can play for a long time on his own, this is not yet a sign of isolation. Especially if extrovert parents often go to visit and host friends. It is almost a disaster for them if their child reacts rather reservedly to guests. Is he not interested in talking to people? Guard!

In fact, their child has a somewhat different temperament from the parent. And it’s not at all a fact that children of extroverts necessarily copy their character.

A child can go to kindergarten with pleasure and make friends only with the elite - this is also not isolation. Just like if all the children are chasing the ball, and yours is sitting and watching the insects.

It’s another matter if a child closes in on himself, doesn’t share school and other news, moves away from communication, and this is noticeable. So, the time has come to intervene gently, to help you understand yourself, the problem, to cope with imaginary and very real fears, to gain confidence, without which a full life, study, friendship and love are impossible.

It is best, of course, to consult a specialist. But even without parents, a lot is within our power.

• Show attention and care. Both the 2-year-old and the 12-year-old need them like air. Snuggle, kiss - indulging children can spoil their desires, but not hugs and kisses.
• Praise generously for the smallest successes! This strengthens their self-esteem and raises their confidence.
• Meet up with friends regularly, especially if their children are the same age as yours. Children in a familiar environment quickly adapt to each other, become liberated and begin to communicate safely.
• Encourage children to perform in front of guests. Poems, songs, riddles, games, contests will help to get a closed baby out of a state of habitual apathy, if he is helped to win more often.
• Be tactful, don't push with questions like “What happened? Don't be silent, spread it!". After all, you yourself will not want to be frank if you are attacked in the same way.
• Add any innovations little by little, gradually. Closed children need a clear regimen. New food, a cartoon instead of the usual fairy tale should not be a sharp surprise. For the baby, the main thing is that he feels stable. Tell him what you are going to do with him in advance and several times so that he mentally prepares.
• You can beat new food - buy and cook together, let him help as much as possible - then on the plate it will not be an unpleasant surprise for him.
• Fear of the street is "treated" with interesting favorite toys lying on the threshold - and the child will open the door with interest, not fear. It is easier to do this in your own house than in a bookstore.
• Gradually, but patiently and persistently introduce the child into society. Even if he kicks. It's better than if he drives his emotions deep. If you, as parents, give up, then who will help children socially adapt?

In all the recommendations of the resource site, the main thing is to show gradualness. The kid is afraid to come to the playground - do not persuade, let him get used to it, play by himself, but next to the children. Then you will slowly begin to bring him closer to his peers, very gently and unobtrusively.

It will take a lot of time to overcome isolation. For a day, a week or a month, such things do not pass. Let wisdom, patience and common sense help you.

It happens that parents, as their child grows up, begin to notice that their child does not communicate with anyone, he does not have friends. This is what happens when he closes in on himself. The main thing is to notice these processes and prevent them from developing further, so that this period does not affect the future life of the child.

By what “symptoms” can you find out that the child begins to withdraw into himself?

1) In a kindergarten or school, it is difficult for a child to get along in a team, he does not communicate with anyone - this is already a signal.
2) Such children usually talk very little, and if they say something, then quietly or even in a whisper.
3) Closed children do not express their point of view, they always remain silent.
4) There is a fear of doing something new.
5) The most common answer to any questions is “I don't know”.
6) Usually such children have unusual hobbies or dreams. For example, they want to get a snake, an owl or a chameleon, to have a tree house.
7) Gestures and facial expressions in closed children are poorly developed. Hands at the seams, on the belt or just hanging, no sudden movements.

You can confuse isolation and introversion. You can read an article about who an introvert is. If you take the child to a psychologist, then with the help of light tests, he will be able to determine whether there is isolation or the problem is contrived.

In society, closed children are perceived differently, but most often from the outside they seem restrained and well-mannered. This quality is good for studying, such a child will concentrate all his attention only on the lessons.

Closeness in girls is more difficult to diagnose than in boys. A lot of activity is always expected from the latter, so if the child is not too frisky, parents notice it right away. But in girls, this behavior is often covered up by modesty, good manners, and upbringing. Therefore, you need to carefully monitor the children, because the later the isolation is diagnosed, the harder it will be to get rid of it.

Causes of isolation in children

The reason in this problem plays a big role, because if you get rid of it, you can get rid of the problem itself.

First reason- disrespect for the feelings and words of the child, a mocking attitude, especially if this happened more than once.

The second reason- high expectations from the child. This means that in school, sports, and other competitions, such children are expected to achieve the best results, victories. And if this does not work out for a child, then his parents are unhappy, they can even punish and scold, as a result of which the child becomes withdrawn.

Reason four- modern technologies. The virtual world in large doses imperceptibly and quickly changes the child's psyche.

What to do with a child who withdraws into himself?

Praise your child more often. See how it blossoms in response to your sincere praise.
Don't limit him, if he wants to sing or dance, don't take away his dream.
Trust the child - let him take part in the discussion and resolution of some family issues.
If a child talks about his withdrawal, never tell him that this is a serious problem.
In a conversation with a child, do not close his mouth, talk to him on an equal footing.
Don't let yourself sit at the computer for a long time. It is better for a child to spend his free time with peers. The ideal option is a circle or section of interest.

If you can find the cause of childish isolation in a timely manner, then getting rid of it will not be difficult.

Often parents begin to sound the alarm about the isolation of their children. And they turn to a psychologist for advice. And, I must say, they are doing it right, since this problem cannot be solved impudently, all the more it is impossible to ask about the isolation of the child himself.

Such an approach can only worsen everything, because isolation can be replaced by even greater isolation. The psychologist will try to help find the causes of isolation, and then, together with parents and loved ones, will be able to work out the right tactics of action so that this problem is gradually reduced to nothing.

Symptoms of a closed child

At first, it is worthwhile to clearly understand that isolation is a protective mechanism, it is in it that the child finds salvation and is recharged with energy. The outside world in some of its manifestations can be painful, so the child tries to separate from it. Many children can withdraw into themselves in various situations, but the presence of certain symptoms should alert parents and encourage action. What are these symptoms?

• The child talks very little, may say nothing at all, or speaks in a whisper.
• It is very difficult to enter any new team, it keeps apart from everyone.
• The child avoids expressing his opinion.
• Fear of doing something new.
• The child either has few friends or none at all.
• The child does not support the conversation, very often ends it with the standard phrase "I don't know."
• The child is overly cautious in words and deeds, there are no spontaneous manifestations, although there is an inner desire.
• An unusual hobby or desire to have an exotic animal: a snake, a frog, a chameleon, various insects.

In addition to the symptoms in the behavior of closed children, psychosomatic manifestations are manifested:

• Closed people have shallow breathing.
• Closeness is often accompanied by pain in the abdomen.
• Gesticulation in closed children is absent. Very often, these children keep their hands in their pockets or behind their backs. Hands can be tightly pressed to the body or hang limply like whips.

Do not confuse the child's isolation with introversion. To distinguish one from the other will require the help of a psychologist who, through simple tests and observations, can do this. For introverts, a certain isolation is characteristic and there is nothing wrong with that. Such a feature of temperament.

An introverted child may even make a good impression, seem well-mannered and reserved. At school, he can show good results in his studies, and teachers can set them as an example for other students. Moreover, the isolation of boys and girls is perceived by society differently, in view of the prevailing stereotypes.

Boys are always expected to be more active than girls, so withdrawal is more easily detected. And the isolation of girls is often perceived as a virtue: modesty, good breeding. And late diagnosed girlish isolation can eventually lead to more problems than boys in the future.

Reasons for isolation

Any isolation of the child is a consequence of any reasons that led to such a state. What are the most typical reasons for this?

First of all, isolation can arise as a result of resentment for something or grief from the actions or inaction of adults and peers. For example, a child tried to express his sincere feelings, and in response received ridicule from peers or no reaction from parents or teachers. Too severe and sometimes cruel punishment for misconduct also often leads to hidden grievances.

In families where excessive attention is paid to the "correct" behavior of the child, very often high demands are placed on him. This is expressed in the fact that at school he should have only excellent grades in all subjects, regardless of inclinations towards certain sciences.

In sports, only resounding victories are expected from a child, and in everyday life they are loaded with a mass of difficult duties. Naturally, such parents immediately shift any failure that inevitably comes from time to time onto the shoulders of their children, and this only contributes to isolation.

In the life of any person - both an adult and a child - there are difficult situations that need to be addressed. And instead of teaching a child to divide a complex problem into a number of simple ones, adults send him to look for a solution himself. Very often, children cannot cope with this on their own, which gives rise to a feeling of inferiority, leading to isolation.

A serious illness of a child or frequent illness, illness of loved ones and anxiety for them can also become reasons for isolation. The loss of pets, your favorites, in childhood is perceived especially hard. If misunderstanding and indifference of adults is added to this, then very often this leads to isolation.

Any member of the family, including the child, should participate in family affairs. If they do not ask the opinion of the child or do not trust him, then he may feel unnecessary and superfluous. Children tend to shift this onto themselves, so they show inferiority by excessive isolation.

Most often, it is difficult for parents of a closed child to figure out the reasons on their own, so the help of a professional psychologist will be very helpful.

What can lead to the isolation of the child in the future?

The more the child's isolation is preserved, the more it strengthens and progresses, and in adult life, having already settled specifically, it will create a lot of problems and even greatly influence fate. What can be the consequences of unresolved problems in childhood?

• Unresolved childhood isolation leads to the fact that an extremely indecisive adult will grow out of a child, incapable of taking decisive steps.
• The ridicule of others will not only continue, but will be aggravated. This can develop into a persistent inferiority complex.
• Children's isolation easily develops into problems when communicating with the opposite sex. Quite often, closed and indecisive people cannot talk about their feelings, which can lead to loneliness.
• Satisfaction of social, material, sexual, personal and psychological problems for closed people is a big problem.
• Constant internal overly self-critical self-control will not allow you to freely realize yourself even in your favorite business.
• An unresolved problem with isolation can lead to serious mental disorders requiring compulsory treatment or even suicide.

Parents who have discovered a state of isolation in a child should try to resolve this as soon as possible, while not forcing events. As this problem did not come in one day, so its solution may take some time. Therefore, patience and a competent approach will be the best allies.

What to do?

The use of force in solving the problems of a child's isolation is the worst solution, so you need to show, firstly, restraint, and secondly, consistency. Working out the right sequence on your own can be very difficult, so do not avoid the help of a psychologist.

Most of the problems with the child's isolation are typical, they already have effective solutions, and the psychologist, first of all, identifies and helps to solve typical problems.

• Closure most often accompanies intellectually developed people, so it is worth taking the child for who he is and taking into account his ability to self-criticism, which can be very helpful in adulthood.
• When communicating with a child, it should be remembered that a person has two ears and one mouth, so we should listen at least twice as much as we speak. It is necessary to give more opportunities to speak specifically to the child, without crushing parental authority.
• In conversations with children, never say that isolation is a serious problem.
• When communicating, it should be noted that fears are just unexplored possibilities. After a person does things that are terrible for him, they will eventually become commonplace and carry great opportunities.
• The child should always be trusted and any issues relating to the whole family should be discussed together.
• It is always necessary to allow the child to fulfill himself through drawing, singing, storytelling and other creative activities. The main thing is not to limit anything.
• Calmly tell your child about relationships with the opposite sex. Note that there are much more reasons for good interaction in communication than for conflict.
• When a child directly asks about his problem of isolation, do not try to get around this question by saying that there is no such problem. It is better to try to discuss everything together, identify all fears and grievances, and also try to cooperate in solving problems.
• Praise for good deeds or punishment for misdeeds should follow immediately, and the child should clearly know why the parents act the way they do.

The main thing in solving all psychological problems in a child is still sincerity. If parents truly love their children, they will always find the right approach and attract the right specialists.

The second important factor is timeliness. Any problem that is not treated in time can develop into a chronic form, which will be more difficult to deal with. Therefore, we must love our children and always help them. Understand, it is actually very difficult for them!