Bad behavior: which reaction is correct? How to tell your child no. Punishments. How to fix a child's behavior without punishment

Difficult children are an eternal headache for parents and teachers. 99% of moms and dads face child disobedience one way or another. And no matter how paradoxical it may seem, in most cases the bad behavior of children can be overcome by first of all fundamentally revising the behavioral reactions of the parents themselves!

Most often, parents begin to complain to doctors and teachers that the child has become disobedient, "got out of hand" and behaves badly, at the moment when this child has "been knocked" for 5-7 years and has already managed with his antics and tantrums " bake "all their relatives - both close and distant. But the methods of upbringing that help to raise an adequate and obedient child, you need to start practicing much earlier - as soon as the baby is one year old. Moreover, these techniques are, in essence, nothing at all ...

The main law of pedagogy of all times and peoples: a small bird does not control a flock

Perhaps the majority of child psychologists and teachers around the world, no matter what concepts of upbringing they promote, agree in one opinion: a child in a family should always take the place of a subordinate (follower), and not a subordinate (leader).

The main law of pedagogy says: a small bird cannot control a flock. In other words: a child cannot subdue (with the help of his cries, hysterics and whims) the will of adults. Otherwise, this obvious and terrible assumption on the part of parents and other household members can harm the whole family in the future, causing significant damage to the psyche of the child himself.

However, parents should understand that "submission to the will of adults" is not violence against the personality of the baby or the constant compulsion of his will to the wishes of adult family members. No! But a child should understand from a very young age that all decisions in the family are made by the parents, and that any prohibition must be obeyed unquestioningly - primarily because it ensures the safety of the child himself.

As soon as this family law is turned upside down and the child's voice becomes dominant in the family (in other words: adults “dance to the tune” of the little one) - at this very moment a naughty child appears in the family ...

Where Do Difficult Children Come From?

Before learning how to deal with children's whims and tantrums, it is worth finding out how and when generally cute crumbs turn into "difficult" naughty children. In fact, the behavior of the child in the family (as well as the behavioral reactions of the cub in the flock) primarily and closely depend on the behavior of adults. There are several typical and most common situations when children-"angels" turn into "monsters", sitting on their parents' necks. Children become moody, disobedient, and hysterical when:

• 1 There are no pedagogical principles in the family. For example: a parent communicates with a child solely against the background of his own mood - today dad is kind and allowed to watch cartoons until midnight, tomorrow dad is out of sorts and already at 21:00 drove the child to sleep.
• 2 When the pedagogical principles of adult family members differ dramatically. For example: to a child's request to watch cartoons after 21 pm, dad says "no way," and mom gives the go-ahead. It is important that parents (and preferably all other household members) are united in their positions.
• 3 When parents or other household members are "led" by children's whims and tantrums. Young children build their behavior on the level of instincts and conditioned reflexes, which they catch instantly. If a baby with the help of hysteria, yelling and crying can get from adults what he wants, he will use this technique always and as long as it works. And only when the screams and tantrums stop leading him to the desired result, the child will finally stop yelling.

Please note that children are never capricious, do not shout, do not cry or throw tantrums in front of the TV, furniture, toys or a completely stranger. No matter how small the child is, he always clearly distinguishes - who reacts to his “concert”, and whose nerves it is useless to “shake” with the help of screaming and scandal. If you "give slack" and give in to children's whims - you will live with them side by side all the time while the child shares one space with you.

How to stop childish tantrums: one or two!

Most parents believe that turning a “difficult”, naughty and hysterical child into an “angel” is akin to a miracle. But in reality, this pedagogical "maneuver" is not at all difficult, but it requires special moral efforts, endurance and will from the parents. And it's worth it! Moreover, the sooner you start practicing this technique, the more calm and obedient your child will grow up. So:

Old scheme (this is what most parents usually do): as soon as your baby burst into crying and screaming, stamping his feet and hitting his head on the floor - you “flew up” to him and were ready to do anything to calm him down. Including - they agreed to fulfill his desire. In a word, you behaved according to the principle "I will do anything, so long as the child does not cry ...".

New scheme (this should be done by those who want to "re-educate" a naughty child): as soon as the baby began to scream and “scandalize”, you calmly smile at him and leave the room. But the child needs to know that you continue to hear him. And while he screams, you do not return to his field of vision. But as soon as (even for a second!) The child stopped yelling and crying, you again return to him with a smile, demonstrating all your parental tenderness and love. Seeing you, the baby will start yelling again - you just calmly leave the room again. And again return to him with hugs, a smile and all your parental adoration exactly at the moment when he stops yelling again.

However, feel the difference: it’s one thing if a baby bumped, something hurts him, he was offended by other children, or he was scared by a neighbor's dog ... In this case, his crying and screaming is completely normal and understandable - the baby needs your support and protection. But rushing to console, hug and kiss a child who just threw a tantrum, who is capricious and tries to get what he wants with tears and screams is a completely different matter.
In this case, the parents must be adamant and not give in to "provocations."

Thus, sooner or a little later, the child will "figure out" (at the level of reflexes): when he is hysterical, he is left alone, he is not listened to or obeyed. But as soon as he stops shouting and "scandalizing" - they return to him again, they love him and are ready to listen to him.

A well-known popular children's doctor, Dr. E.O. Komarovsky: “As a rule, it takes 2-3 days for a child to form a persistent reflex“ When I yell, nobody needs me, and when I am silent, everyone loves me ”. If the parents hold out for this time, they will get an obedient baby, if not, they will continue to face childish tantrums, whims and disobedience. "

The magic word "No": who needs bans and why

No parenting is possible without prohibitions. And the behavior of the child depends to a greater extent on how correctly you use prohibitive words (such as "no", "no", etc.). The so-called “difficult” children are most often found in families in which adults pronounce the prohibitions “no, you can’t” either too often (with or without reason), or do not pronounce them at all - that is, the child grows up in a regime of complete permissiveness.

Meanwhile, parents should correctly and as carefully as possible use prohibitions when raising children. First of all, because the safety of the child himself and his environment often depends on this.

The child's safety depends first of all on how adequately (and therefore - quickly and systemically) the child reacts to the prohibition. If the baby is rolling on a scooter, carried away by the process, and immediately stops in front of a stream of cars, clearly and obediently responding to his mother's cry "Stop, no further!" - it will save his life. And if the child is not accustomed to react "ironically" to prohibitions, you will not be able to save him from an accident: without reacting to "no", he will climb into the fire with his hands, jump out onto the roadway, overturn a pot of boiling water on himself, etc.

In a sense, the forbidden word "No" has a protective property for the baby. Your parental task is to teach your child to instantly respond to a signal and obediently follow it.

Precisely because prohibitions play such an important role in the upbringing of obedient children, parents must be able to use them correctly. There are several rules that will help them with this:

• 1 It is necessary to use the word “no” itself rarely and only on business (most often - either if the prohibition concerns the safety of the child himself and other people, or in order to comply with the generally accepted social norm - you must not throw garbage anywhere, you must not call names and fight, etc. .NS.)
• 2 The child must clearly understand that if something is forbidden to him, this prohibition always applies. For example: if a child has a severe allergy to milk protein and is not allowed ice cream, then even if he brings 15 "fives" from school at once, ice cream will still not be allowed.
• 3 Prohibitions like “no” or “no” are never discussed. Of course, parents should explain to the child in the most detailed and intelligible way why they forbid him this or that, but the very fact of the ban should never become a subject of discussion.
• 4 It is unacceptable that the positions of parents on the subject of any prohibition diverge. For example, dad said “no”, and mom said “okay, just once, you can”;
• 5 Any "no" must be observed everywhere: in Africa after 5 years - it will also be "no". To a greater extent, this rule applies not even to children and parents, but to more distant relatives - grandparents, aunts and uncles, and so on. Often, after all, such a situation happens: for example, you cannot eat sweets at home after 17 in the evening (it spoils your teeth), but at your grandmother's vacation you can as much as you like and whenever you want ... There is nothing good in the fact that in different places the child lives in different ways rules.

If all else fails

In 99% of cases of bad behavior in children, this problem is purely pedagogical. As soon as the parents begin to correctly build their relationship with the baby (learn to adequately use prohibitions and stop responding to children's cries and tears), the child's whims and tantrums will come to naught ...

Doctor E. O. Komarovsky: “If parents behave correctly and unbendingly, consistently and in principle, if they keep the spirit in front of children's whims and tantrums and their willpower is enough not to give up, then any, even the most powerful and noisy , the child's tantrums will pass one hundred percent and literally in a few days. Mom and Dad, remember: if a child does not achieve his goal with the help of tantrums, he just stops yelling. "

But if you do everything correctly, do not react to whims and tantrums, strictly follow the aforementioned rules, and have not achieved the effect - and the baby still screams loudly, demanding his own, and continues to hysteria - with a high degree of probability you need to show such a child specialists (neurologist, psychologist, etc.), because the reason in this case may not be pedagogical, but medical.

The most important principles of parenting

The topic of child education is immense, multifaceted, multi-layered and generally difficult for ordinary people to perceive. Tons of clever parenting books are published annually, but just like a hundred years ago, most parents now and then face the challenges of disobeying their children. And these parents, when solving problems, need some support, some basic principles on which they should be guided. These principles include:

• 1 Always praise your child generously when he is doing the right thing. Alas, most parents "sin" by taking the baby's good deeds for granted, and the bad ones as out of the ordinary. In fact, the child is still only building his behavioral reactions and models, for him often there are no assessments of "good" and "bad", and he is guided by the assessment of people close to him. Praise and reward his obedience and good behavior, and he will happily try to do exactly as you approve as often as possible.
• 2 If the baby is capricious and does not behave correctly - do not judge the child as a person! And judge only his behavior at a particular moment. For example: let's say the boy Petya behaves badly on the playground - he pushes, offends other children and takes scoops and buckets from them. Adults are tempted to scold Petya: "You are a bad boy, you are a mean and greedy!" This is an example of condemning Petya as a person. If such promises become systemic, at some point Petya will really turn into a bad boy. Scold Petya correctly: “Why are you behaving so badly? Why push and hurt others? Only bad guys hurt others, but you're a good boy! And if you behave like a bad person today, I will have to punish you ... ”. So the child will understand that he himself is good, he is loved and respected, but his behavior today is wrong ...
• 3 Always take your child's age and development into account.
• 4 The demands you make on your child should be reasonable.
• 5 Punishments for misconduct should be consistent in time (you cannot deprive a three-year-old kid of evening cartoons for spitting porridge in the morning - a small child will not be able to understand the misdemeanor-punishment connection).
• 6 When punishing a child, you yourself must be calm.

Any psychologist will confirm to you: every interlocutor, including a child (no matter how small he is), hears you much better when you do not shout, but speak calmly.

• 7 When talking with a child (especially in situations when he does not obey, is capricious, hysterical, and you are irritated and angry), always focus on your tone and manner of speaking - would you like to be talked to you in this way?
• 8 You should always be sure that your child understands you.
• 9 Personal example always works much better than telling you how to do the right thing or not. In other words, the principle: "Doing as I do" brings up a child many times more effectively than the principle "Do as I say." Be an example for your kids, remember that consciously or not, but in many ways they are your copy.
• 10 As a parent, as an adult, you must always be ready to rethink your decisions. This is especially true for parents of children 10 and older, when the child is already able to enter into discussions, give arguments and arguments, etc. He must understand that the decision is always yours, but that you are ready to listen to him and under certain circumstances you can change your decisions in favor of the child.
• 11 Strive to convey to the child what the result of his actions will be (especially if he does the wrong thing). If the baby throws toys out of the crib, do not pick them up, and the baby will quickly learn that as a result of this behavior, he loses his toys. With older children and in more serious situations, you can simply say what will happen if the baby does this and that ...

Raising an obedient and adequate child is not as difficult as it might seem at first glance. Parents only need to analyze and control their own behavioral reactions - to be a worthy example for the child, not to "follow the lead" of children's tantrums and whims, willingly talk to the child, calmly explaining to him certain decisions.

We all perceive the behavior of our children differently. This largely depends on our personal experience (how our parents raised us), social and cultural living environment. For some, if the child did not say "thank you" - already bad behavior, while others quite calmly react to the tantrums or pugnacity of their child.

Meanwhile, in many cases, the problem is in us - adults. After all, children live in their own world. They take everything literally, so they react to what is happening very emotionally. Whereas we demand obedience from them, but we forget to show a positive example, that is, a model of the desired behavior.

Instead, we ourselves get angry, and we scold children for mistakes or wrong behavior (in our opinion), exacerbating the problem even more. What's the matter? Let's take a look at how to avoid common mistakes together.

What behavior of the child is problematic?

According to psychologists, it is necessary to correct the behavior of the baby if he has:

* Manifestations of aggression(swears, fights).

* Protest behavior(refuses to fulfill the request, runs away or does the opposite).

* Ignoring requests and demands of adults(for example, there is no response to a request to remove toys or brush teeth, etc.).

* Tantrums(screams, throws herself on the floor, bangs her head).

Why is this behavior problematic?

Because the child has the learning process is hampered, as well as the possibility of free communication both with peers and adults.

Besides, the baby himself and his environment are at risk(for example, if he runs away, climbs very high, ignores requests to stop, throws heavy or sharp objects).

With this behavior peers refuse to play with the child, therefore, it is difficult for him to join the team in kindergarten or school, it is difficult to find friends in the yard.

What are the causes of problematic behavior?

The most common:

• Making unnecessarily high demands on the child... Therefore, he tries with all his might to avoid what is unpleasant or difficult for him to accomplish. For example, doing lessons on a subject you don't like.

• In such an unusual way and bad behavior, the baby is trying to attract attention. adults, because it needs them (most common).

• Problematic behavior is the main way to get what you want: get a candy, a new toy, and so on.

For example, a kid wants you to buy a construction set for him in a store. You say no, and the child starts whining, but you don't change your mind. Then the baby starts screaming heart-rendingly and throwing himself on the floor, so you feel ashamed - and you give up. So the child remembers that it is possible to achieve the fulfillment of his desires with the help of bad behavior, therefore, in the future, he increasingly resorts to this method.

How to reduce the manifestation of problem behavior in a child?

There are two general principles:

* It is necessary to show the child an example of the desired behavior.

* Actively encourage his desired behavior (praise, reward).

How can you show your child an example of the desired behavior?

Let's look at this with specific examples, distinguishing between right and wrong behavior to make it clearer.

I situation

During your game with a child enters the room, for example, a grandmother. The kid can express his dissatisfaction, turning to the grandmother with the words: "Get out of here."

Although everyone knows that the baby treats her grandmother very well, he loves her very much and he likes to play with her.

In fact, this behavior of the child is explained by the fact that he just really wants to be with his mother and play with her, because the game is interesting. Of course, there is nothing terrible in this. After all, even adults, when they want to talk to a loved one or a familiar person, do not want someone else to be present at the same time, getting rid of him in a polite way. But he is still unknown to the child, since the baby is still small.

Wrong behavior

You can not scold or reproach the child. For example, saying: "How are you behaving?", "I am ashamed of you." And then calmly continue the game. Unfortunately, sometimes the grandmother is completely sincerely offended or shows a feigned offense. At the same time, she says: “I am offended by you,” “I will cry,” “I’ll leave at all and never come back at all,” and so on.

Correct behavior

It is necessary to interrupt the game and say the words, addressing the child: “Say this: grandmother, please wait for us in the kitchen. We'll play a little with mom, and then we'll come to you. " Try to get the child to say these words, then continue the game. The grandmother must agree and say: "Well, of course, I will wait, and you play." Then leave.

As a rule, if a child is small, then he completely calmly reacts to your words, if he gets what he wants. At the same time, a model of correct behavior is fixed in him.

If the child stubbornly refuses to pronounce the necessary words, the game should be stopped.

II situation

There are several children in the family and everyone wants to swing on the swing right now, so they argue among themselves about who will be the first to receive this honor.

Wrong behavior

Most often, adults ignore this situation, believing that the children will sort it out among themselves, since this is their problem. Either they say the words: “Now I’ll put together a swing (or I’ll close everyone in the room by punishing), so no one will swing,” “Let Seryozha swing first, because he is younger / older,” and so on.

Correct behavior

Suggest to the children: “Let’s do the reckoning so that no one is offended.” As a rule, it turns out that children know rhymes, because they are often used in the yard or at school. However, it does not occur to them to use them to resolve a controversial situation at home.

Or offer to draw lots. For example, the one who pulls out the short stick is the first to swing.

Usually kids like it. They regard such your attitude towards them as some kind of justice.

III situation

Children cannot share a toy, ball or other object.

Wrong behavior

You can not scold children or offer to yield to one child in favor of another. Also, you cannot say: "Aren't you ashamed?" Moreover, one cannot say that the child is acting badly or ugly. This will only turn one child against the other. Or fix in the mind of the reproached child that he is somehow different from everyone else. And this in the future may become the basis for his low self-esteem.

Correct behavior

First, it is necessary to return the toy to the first child (from whom it was taken away), and to the second ("aggressor") to ask for a toy, saying: "Please let me play." Usually, this tactic allows you to resolve the conflict fairly quickly and peacefully.

If it doesn't help, then explain that you need to be able to share and be friends, playing together is much more fun, you can exchange your toy for the one you want.

Teach your child to wait in line (for example, ride a swing), that when a brother or sister plays enough with a toy, he will give it back.

Important!

Of course, when a child is small, he does not know what words to pronounce in specific situations. So help him: pronounce them yourself. If necessary, repeat them several times. Until the child himself begins to pronounce them in the right place and at the right time.

How to teach a child to wait?

Waiting is the most important skill for a baby, but he rarely gets it on his own, so most often it is necessary to teach him this.

1. First, determine how long the child is able to wait.

For example, note the time during which the baby is calmly, without tantrums and demands, waiting for the beginning of the cartoon. It can be either long enough - 5-10 minutes or more, or short - no more than one minute. It all depends on the particular child.

2. Then start the timer for exactly half the time.

In this case, it is necessary for the child to see the timer arrows (buy it in advance with large arrows). Explain to the kid that when the hand reaches a certain number on the dial and the timer rings, he will receive the desired item or goodies, watch the cartoon, and so on. Thanks to this, he will have a visual idea of ​​how long to wait. After all, it is very difficult for a child to understand what one or two minutes is.

3. Offer to wait and start praising what he is waiting for.

Since the time is very short, the child will withstand it. As a result, he will have confidence that he has pleased his mother, so next time he will try to be patient a little longer.

After the timer sounds, you fulfill the child's request: watching a cartoon, he gets ice cream or candy, and so on. That is, you reward him. This tactic will help him wait a longer time next time.

4. Gradually increase the waiting time.

This is how children learn to wait longer and longer.

5. Keep in mind that a small child cannot wait long.

Therefore, you should be prepared for situations when there is a long wait: the queue at the clinic, the situation at the airport, and so on.

For these situations, psychologists advise to stock up on a "waiting box". Prepare it in advance by collecting cute and pleasant little things for your baby: toys, a tablet, and so on.

And here it is important to remember one point.: it is necessary to give this box to the child before he begins to behave badly, and not after that. Otherwise, you will show your own behavior to the baby that he can get what he wants only after he starts to be capricious.

Notes for mom

If your child is not in the mood for today, postpone it for the next day. After all, you also don't have the mood to go to work or learn new things every day. Therefore, treat with understanding to the mood of your child.

What if the child does not want to let his mother go?

This situation is quite common and every mother knows that it is not always possible to do this painlessly for the child.

So try to follow a few simple tips:

• Do not leave unnoticed by the child! Since such an action will only increase his anxiety and vigilance. Therefore, next time he will watch with even greater vigilance so that mom does not suddenly disappear.

• It is better to tell your baby in advance where you are going and when you will return. To make it clearer for the child, make a visual aid: draw pictures and tell with their help.

• Determine a time frame for your return. For example, when the baby wakes up, after walking on the street, and so on.

• Try not to drag out the farewell process, even if the baby is crying, then decisively turn around and leave. Over time, he will remember that mom leaves, but will return when she said. Therefore, he will calmly let you go, and will calmly react to your departure.

Say "no" to the particle "not"

Children do not understand the words: do not run, do not make noise, do not touch. Therefore, it will be better if you replace all words with the "not" particle with action words. That is, it is necessary to say what the child should do. For example, don't run - stop, don't jump - sit down, don't shout - be quiet, don't touch - put a toy on the table or a doll in the bed (specifics are also important here), and so on.

This behavior is especially important in dangerous situations. For example, a child took a small part of a toy (a ball and others) or a sharp object (a button, a paper clip) into his mouth. Instead of the word "do not swallow" it is necessary to say "spit it out". This instruction works much more efficiently.

Say no to rhetorical questions and vague expressions

Children take everything literally, so they do not understand such questions: "What are you fumbling / doing there?", "Isn't it time to go to bed?", "Would you like to collect cars / dolls?" etc. Kids just don't see the point in them.

Therefore, give clear instructions to the child: “Put the cubes in the box”, “Put the dolls in the crib”, “Start the cars in the garage”, “Now we go to bed / go for a walk” and so on.

What is the right way to reward the desired behavior?

There are two main ways:

• Be sure to praise your baby, even if he did not do well.

Especially in those moments when the child has good and desirable behavior, without delay. For example, he waited a long time in line at the clinic, refrained from fighting with his sister or brother (although he really wanted to show his superiority), shared a toy, and so on.

And be sure to say exactly what act you praise him for. For example, say that you saw him get very angry with his brother, but he held back. Let him know that you are proud of his deed, he is well done and clever.

Use facial expressions (smile), words, benevolent intonation and gestures (hug, pat on the head) to express your praise.

remember, that the child does not enjoy the performed action... It is much more important for him to know that he made his mother happy. Therefore, next time he will try again to earn praise from you.

• The points accumulation system works well.

For example, for a good deed or behavior, a child receives some kind of reward (an asterisk, a circle, a magnet). Be sure to hang them on a special board so that not only the child, but all family members can see his achievements.

At the same time, be sure to preliminarily agree with the kid that when he accumulates a certain number of tokens (points), he will receive a reward: a new toy, a chocolate bar, a cake, a visit to an attraction, a trip to a play center or cinema, and so on.

Following this point, also do not forget to praise the child for every achievement. He tried so hard!

How to praise a child?

Adults think that since they praised it, that's enough. In fact, this is not always the case.

Differences between effective and ineffective praise

Examples of:

1. The child washed the cup or plate after him, put them in place.

Of course, if the child is small, perhaps his efforts did not bring the dishes to a state of perfect cleanliness. But he did it himself! Therefore, it is worthy of praise.

Ineffective praise : “What a fine fellow you are. That's how it is for mine, so that dishes shine every day. " This is ineffective praise, but rather a preachy.

Effective praise : “What beauty and purity. How amazing! Well done!"

2. "You finally learned this poem!"- ineffective. Since this is how you express your dissatisfaction with the fact that the child could not remember the poem for so long, do not praise him.

“I'm glad you learned the poem. You clever! And already quite an adult! "- efficiently.

3. “I saw a brother / sister teasing you, but you didn’t pay attention. I hope that when I am not at home, you will do the same ”- ineffective. Because it expresses your doubt that this will be the case.

"Well done! You tried very hard not to hit or hurt your brother / sister. I am proud of you"- effectively.

• Do not exaggerate the child's merits and do not express inadequate enthusiasm. about his actions, because he will feel false and will no longer believe you.

• Always speak calmly.

• Never ignore or miss those moments which really deserve your approval.

All these techniques are simple. If you start using them from early childhood, you can avoid manifestations of undesirable child behavior and the use of punishment.

Are there situations where punishment is acceptable?

Yes. TO it can be used only after:

• You will find out the reasons for the child's bad behavior and be sure to eliminate them.

• Provide examples of the desired behavior

• You will systematically reward your baby's good behavior

Only then can you think about the punishment itself, what it should be, how to use it.

P.S. Of course, there are many ways to help parents cope with unwanted child support on their own. Unfortunately, however, they are not always effective. Therefore, in difficult situations, seek help from a child psychologist. He will identify the true cause of your child's undesirable behavior and develop a program to eliminate it. And the sooner you turn to a specialist for help, the better for both the baby and you.

Often, watching our child, his whims and tantrums, rejection of the people around him, we feel confused - what am I doing wrong, why is my child so ill-mannered, and behaves so badly?

I love my child, he is the best, but not only those around him, but even I am horrified by his behavior. What if the child does not obey? How to properly respond to bad behavior?

These questions are answered by the candidate of psychological sciences, child and family psychologist and psychotherapist, Mogileva Vera Nikolavena.

What is good and what is bad?

Probably many people remember this poem by Vladimir Mayakovsky. In it, the poet gives children clear instructions on what is good and what is bad. Now with many examples that the author describes, you can argue. Psychologists will say that the poem is full of ratings "bad boy", "good boy", "very cute boy", "trashy brawler" and so on. etc. The question arises:

How to show children what is allowed and what is not?

Parents cannot be silent!

Many parents, after reading various articles that are replete with the Internet, were completely at a loss, having made a decision for themselves that if I do not know how to respond correctly to inappropriate child behavior, then I would rather not react in any way.
Today we can meet children who throw stones at pigeons, behave rudely and arrogantly with others, paint the walls. At the same time, parents are nearby and silently observe what is happening.

There are parents who really don't care what their child does. Such parents will have to get feedback from this world and their child later, when the grown child will absolutely not care what happens to his parents. It is no coincidence that there are now so many lonely old people, forgotten and abandoned by their children and grandchildren.

There is another category of parents who are watching what is happening, they are ashamed of their child's actions, but they seem to be paralyzed at the sight of the inappropriate behavior that their child can demonstrate, for example, on the playground, in the company of adults. They don't know what to do. They often hope that someone around them will stop their bully. When this happens, they are overwhelmed with pity for their child - he was offended.

When someone else makes comments to a child in the presence of parents, it turns out to be ineffective, because it is the parent who, up to a certain age (up to about 10-12 years), retains the dominant position in the sense of moral authority for the child. Even if someone makes remarks to the tomboy, but at the same time there will be a silent parent nearby, the child will receive a signal that he is doing everything right, this can and should be done.

Moreover, the parent's silence will spur his interest and emphasize the impunity of the whole situation.

Such a child will go out of his way to check the reaction of everyone around him, breaking the rules and at the same time being simply unable to stop.

What to do? How to behave correctly and at what age is it necessary to stop the child?

How to bring up children?

If a child violates the rules of behavior, then the parent should ALWAYS stop him, regardless of where the child is: in a public place (store, cinema, cafe) or at home.

The child must know that there are certain boundaries that cannot be violated.

For example, a child pulls a cat by the tail. He must be stopped and told that this is prohibited. It is better to stop with the laconic word "Stop", because words such as "DO NOT", "DO NOT", etc., are words provocateurs and, as it were, spur the child to further actions.

Tantrum in a child

If a child is throwing a tantrum at a party, at a party or in a store, then he should calmly say that this is not the place for tantrums, and if he wants something, he can say calmly (while you must be absolutely calm). If this does not help, then the child is taken away from the public place.

This will show your child:

• first, that this form of behavior is unacceptable,
• secondly, establish some social norms,
• third, save others from the need to listen to your child's screams and screams. Remember that you are not the only one suffering from them.

Usually, children, with the correct behavior of an adult, acquire these norms by the age of 4-5 years. If we meet such behavior in children 6 years of age and older, then this may indicate a certain social immaturity and pedagogical neglect. The reason for this is, first of all, the passivity of parents in relation to the upbringing of their children.

Moreover, often parents are not passive, but their reaction to deviations in the behavior of children only intensifies them. Adults, observing the tantrums of children 2-3 years old, often begin to feel sorry for him, kiss, etc., explaining to themselves that he is small and will outgrow. If the reason for the hysteria is a certain desire to demonstrate and the desire to achieve his own, then in this way the adult only encourages such behavior, reinforcing it. The child, as it were, receives the message “I will throw a tantrum - I will get attention and affection (a toy, kisses, etc.).

Pity for the child

As for the feeling of pity in relation to the child in moments of hysterics, on the one hand, it is important to understand that often we do not even feel sorry for our child, but for ourselves - in this situation we are helpless children who do not know how to calm our child; on the other hand, pity is a terrible emotion in relation to another, it often deprives him of strength, makes a person pitiful and helpless, can deprive him of an important psychological resource, this feeling when it manifests itself in an inappropriate situation (a child beats someone, something it destroys), creates a perverted picture of the world for the baby.

He begins to understand that aggression, tantrums and destruction are what he receives attention and maybe even tenderness from people close to him.

These behaviors can be difficult to correct on your own and often requires the help of a psychotherapist.

When you get into a public place with your child, come to visit, etc., it is important to clarify some of the rules that are accepted in the given territory and tell them to the child. If the baby breaks them, then it is the parents who must stop him, because even the owners of the apartment are not yet an authority for him.

It is the parents who are the source of all knowledge about the rules and regulations.

Disobedient child

it is necessary to teach the child to ask permission

Often children easily make contact with other people's adults, climb on their knees, look into other people's bags and packages. Both parents and strangers can be touched by the crumb. But it is at this age (1-3 years) that we show what is still possible and what is not.

If a child took someone else's thing without permission, then he is asked to return it to its place and first clarify in a way available to him whether it can be taken. If a child decides to sit on the lap of a stranger, then he also needs to be taught to ask permission, to understand the boundaries of other people.

Many people say - this is the responsibility of the one who lets him down on his knees. This is both true and not true. On the one hand, the child receives different feedback: someone will let him in, and someone will say: "I'm tired, go play it yourself." In this way, the baby naturally learns that not everyone is ready to hold him on his lap, or play with him whenever he wants.

On the other hand, if you see that the child does not respond to the remark of another adult and oversteps the boundaries, then You must stop it yourself, saying, for example, that "my aunt is tired, she is not ready to play with you now, let's go and see that book over there."

Thus, you indicate that you need to hear the desires of the other.

But, of course, if the aunt is happy to play with your baby, then you shouldn't interrupt them and think out her condition and desires for the aunt.

Ill-bred children

If a child does not have feedback about personal boundaries, then growing up at 6-7 years old he can easily violate the personal boundaries of others. Climb the bags, take a running start to sit on the lap of strangers. At this age, he no longer causes such affection, and his behavior seems somewhat strange.

But explaining to a younger student that this behavior is indecent becomes somewhat more difficult, since before that, no one stopped him and he received positive feedback (everyone was moved, smiled, etc.)

It is important for parents to remember that their clear unambiguous behavior, their feedback for the child is the guarantor of his safety and confidence.

So he gets a clear message about the boundaries, about what is allowed and what is not.

All parents have to deal with their child's disobedience from time to time. We hardly like it, but it happens. Sometimes we have no idea what to do and are looking for a specialist to get help. We are afraid of doing the wrong thing and lowering the child's self-esteem. We continue to look for ways to cope with his defiant behavior. But let's not despair, there is hope! All we need to do is deal with inappropriate behavior in a timely manner, that is, as soon as it occurs, and adhere to a discipline strategy. This article provides useful tips to help you in this responsible business. So.

1. Try to understand your rebellious child

If you are the parent of a defiant child, it is important that you try to understand. Whatever it is, first of all you need to show him your unconditional love. If a child or teenager behaves defiantly, then he considers himself your equal. He does not see you as a mentor, senior, in charge. The child needs adults to understand his feelings, otherwise he feels disappointed, resentful and shows anger. All children experience similar emotions at one time or another, but challenging children cannot cope with the fact that they are not understood.

2. Remove the child from the situation

If your child starts to behave defiantly, immediately remove him from the situation! Tell your child to go home and leave immediately. Don't let him beg you to stay or bargain with you.

3. Restrain your own reactions, back up words with deeds

If you notice that your child is acting provocatively, take a step back first. Take a deep breath. Never lose your temper in the presence of a child. Tell him in a calm voice that his behavior is unacceptable and that you will talk to him later. Give your child some time to think about what they have done and the possible consequences of their actions. During this time, calm down, pull yourself together and show him the correct reaction.

4. Control yourself first.

The screams of the parents make the child behave even worse. Screaming can quickly get things out of control. When your child hears you screaming, they feel like you have lost control of yourself. He concludes that emotional outbursts are perfectly acceptable. Take a deep breath and calm down. Then start talking to your child in a firm and calm voice. This is a very important step in helping to address challenging behaviors and mitigate confrontation.

5. Remain in control of the situation

An argument with a child gives him the opportunity to control what is happening, which means it allows him to behave even more defiantly and aggressively. If there is a confrontation between you, tell the child the following: "You already know the consequences of your actions!" Then leave. If you leave when the last word is left to you, then you are still in control of the situation.

6. Make the child responsible

Before you begin to correct any kind of defiant behavior, hold a family meeting, do it when you are all calm and balanced. Establish house rules for the naughty child and explain to him what responsibilities he has around the house, how and when he should do his homework, when to go to bed, come home from a walk, and how to treat the people around him. Make a list of inappropriate behavior, which can include rudeness, physical aggression in anger, refusal to carry out duties, and disrespectful behavior. Hold the child accountable and describe the consequences for breaking house rules.

7. Describe the consequences that are appropriate for the child's age

There are two categories of consequences that apply as discipline methods. One is removing, for example, removing a child from their room, taking a timeout (one minute for each year of age), or “removing” favorite toys.

The second category is coercion, such as being forced to pay a fine for misbehavior and putting that amount in a piggy bank, adding chores around the house, going shopping with you instead of playing on the street with friends, etc.

Removal tends to work best for younger children, and coercion usually helps in parenting older children and adolescents.

8. Do not give in, do not bargain, and do not make a second attempt

You must stand firm and follow a discipline strategy as you correct your child's defiant behavior. If you are consistent, the child will know that what you say is true. If you give in or give in, he won't take you seriously. If a child says bad words to someone, you must immediately stop this behavior. Tell your child the following: “You cannot say these words to other people. Go to your room. " Be consistent. By bargaining and giving your child a second chance, you allow him to behave defiantly.

9. Children need positive reinforcement

It is extremely important for parents to reinforce the child's good behavior. Reinforce any positive, any good deed of the child. Praise him a lot and often when he behaves well, reward him for his cooperation. This reinforces the child's sense of responsibility for their actions.

10. Communicate with your child regularly

When you and your child develop a good relationship, talk to him more and talk about your expectations. Explain to your child that you, as a parent, are doing everything you can to teach them useful life skills so that they can grow up to be a responsible young person. Tell him that you are not trying to get him into trouble, but that you want him to be strong and content with life.

11. Let the child participate, contribute.

When discussing your expectations of him with your child, be sure to allow him to speak up. Give him the opportunity to choose what he wants to do. This gives you some sense of control and helps reduce the degree of resistance. Ask your child what time they want to do their chores or what they would like to do.

12. Know when to compromise

It is important not to bargain, but to teach the recalcitrant child to reach a compromise. You are a little inferior, he is a little inferior - and everyone is happy. For example, if you send your child to bed early for bad behavior, and he asks you to keep the lights on to be able to read, do not refuse. You removed him from the destructive situation and described the necessary consequences, this is more than enough.

13. Do your best to make your family a team of like-minded people

Explain the disciplinary rules to all family members and convince everyone to follow them. You and your spouse must agree on what behavior is acceptable and what is unacceptable. If older teenagers are looking after young children, they should adhere to your principles and be consistent in implementing discipline strategies. The youngest child should know that in your absence, his older brother or sister is in charge of the house and that the elders expect him to behave in the same way as you.

Eliminate Oppositional Defiant Disorder

If you cannot control your child's defiant behavior at all, then you must make sure that he does not suffer from the so-called OVD - oppositional defiant disorder. When a child is constantly cocky, defiant, and difficult to control for six months, there is a good chance that he or she has an IDR. Symptoms of this disorder include excessive
15.10.2016