Relationship problems in a young family. Readiness for family life. Mismatch of financial programs

Very important!
How many words have been said about the fact that marriage is a titanic work and patience, that the life together of two adults is a constant work on oneself. But one day the hard work ends and just happiness begins.

Psychologists conditionally divided the life of a married couple into stages. After all, if you know at what stage of the relationship you are with your partner, it is easier to adjust your behavior and find out what lies ahead. Well-known Gestalt therapist and leader of psychotherapeutic groups Andrey Vlamin believes that relationships in marriage go through four phases. The first is beautiful, the second and third are difficult, but very important. And from the fourth phase, in fact, the real life together begins.

First stage.
Can not live without you!
The first phase of a relationship is the period of falling in love. Each of the partners feels that they have found their other half, they have met the closest person on earth. It happens that lovers quarrel - and this is a tragedy, but they quickly reconcile - and then vows never hurt each other. Eh, they would know, naive, that pain in a life together is simply inevitable. Not because the spouses are sadomasochists, but because they are simply too close to each other: it is worth one to make a sharp movement (not from evil, by accident) - and now he has already hurt the other. And while the husband and wife learn to ignore these unintentional grievances, decades pass.
But for now, the couple is in the most quivering state. Lovers live and feel in unison and cannot get enough of their happiness. This phase of the relationship does not last long, but is remembered for a lifetime. Then the energy of this period will warm the couple at the crisis moments of mutual cooling and lead it out of very difficult impasses.

Second phase.
You are not me, but that's why you are dear to me.
Time passes, and gradually one of the spouses discovers that his other half does not live up to any expectations, that the partner has his own views and a lot of shortcomings. The little things are especially annoying. Very serious quarrels begin.
During mutual accusations, the word "Betrayal" is often heard. It lies in the fact that one spouse disappointed the other. For example, a wife believed that her husband was responsible and reliable, and at the most inopportune moment he took and moved away from solving everyday problems. And the wife cannot understand a simple thing: no one deceived her. It’s just that at first she endowed her husband with non-existent qualities, and then her expectations were not met.
The crisis between the first and second stages can last for years, many couples never get out of it - they make claims to each other all their lives. Someone can not stand it and goes to another, "Good" person, who, in turn, disappoints him too.
But if people decide to stay together and be a family, and not "Communal Roommates", they will have to get used to the inconsistencies and learn to respect each other's individuality. This is a very difficult and long stage. Its a great success to pass.

Third stage.
I can do without you, but I don't want to.
Little is said or written about the third stage, but it is extremely interesting. Spouses learn to do without each other, to live without manipulating their partner. Indeed, many people approach each other in order to make up for some kind of deficit: one is afraid of loneliness, another is looking for a replacement for his father or mother, the third needs proof of his sexual attractiveness or a solid status of a family person. And at the third stage, the spouses fulfill themselves without using a partner.
A woman has a hobby, she begins to build a career or, on the contrary, abruptly changes her job and starts her professional life from scratch. Or earns good money and understands: I can live and raise children without a husband. Women cease to be the "Belonging" of their husbands, their circle of contacts expands, their world goes far beyond the family, and in this world they receive recognition.
Men also have a new life. At work, they grow up to be leaders or develop their own business, they have interesting "Toys" and hobbies. In general, people discover their value outside of the family. They see that they are respected as professionals, that they are successful, in demand sexually, and they understand that if they wish, they can even enter into a new marriage. At first, people experience euphoria and at this time they can, as they say, mess things up: men go to young girlfriends, women are addicted to feminist ideas - there are many temptations. But if a person asks himself the question “why should I part with a partner?” And does not find an answer to it, then the third stage has been successfully completed. People have become convinced that they are free individuals and can live without each other. But they do not see the point in breaking up, because they want to be together.

Fourth stage.
Happiness to be together.
And only after that, the spouses really mature relationship begins. Now they can be considered a real couple. People are discovering the value of being together. The fourth stage of the relationship is filled with light energy - just like in the first phase, during the period of falling in love. To reach it is a great success, not every couple can boast of this. But everything is possible if you really want to.
A few steps towards harmony.
Don't rely on Norm. In communication, one should be guided by only one rule: perceive a loved one as a unique phenomenon and try to understand him. Also, never find out which of you is right, and do not point out to another about his mistakes.
Every person needs recognition. A woman needs to feel loved, desired, beautiful, to know that her work is appreciated. Thus, if this is not there, she suffers - with scandals, tears, nit-picking. And the whole family suffers with it. For a man, recognition is a fundamental moment in a relationship. A woman needs to praise a man, rejoice at his successes, admire him, repeat to him: "It's good that I have you, I'm happy with you and I appreciate everything that you do for me." By the way, children also really need praise.
Often the cause of conflicts is some kind of "Good" that we do to loved ones without asking if they need it. A vivid example is a woman who constantly gives advice to her husband. If you are worried about your relationship with your partner, just ask: "Do you need my advice?" And do not be offended by hearing a negative answer.
To understand what your partner wants, you need to talk to him more often. It is to talk, and not to make categorical judgments. The best thing you can ask your loved one is if he is okay with you, what he lacks, what he likes and dislikes. Just watch your intonation. Never ask about such things when you are irritated or while doing other things at the same time.
Together not out of fear, but for pleasure.
Elena Shuvarikova, candidate of psychological sciences, director of the psychological center "Here and Now".
- earlier people started families and lived in them according to a certain pattern. Often they did this only because they were afraid of public opinion, condemnation, loneliness (the list can be continued for a long time. Each of us probably has familiar families where the husband and wife lived for many years, did not get divorced, and at the same time hated each other fiercely. Today our life does not depend on what neighbors or colleagues think and say about us, but on our own feelings.

Family relationships in marriage

• Romantic. In this case, there is a strong attraction to each other, craving and interest between the chosen ones. They strive to learn this world together, travel, enjoy various little things. This whole process is usually called the “candy-bouquet” period, in which both partners are wearing “rose-colored glasses”.
• Sex in a relationship. An integral part of the love relationship of partners. For some, what was forbidden in the romantic period of the relationship becomes a fundamental detail in the union. Sexual relations are one of the main steps in family and free relationships.
• Social. The level at which sociological factors are determined in a couple, which includes: partners' hobbies, social status, common interests and understanding of the real world, perception of the environment, as well as the upbringing of children and the general social circle. In principle, this stage is present in all types of relationships between people.
• The level of "mature" love. Unfortunately, at the present time, not every couple comes to this stage. At this stage, a man and a woman are clearly defined, not based on an emotional level, but already perceive their spouse as a support, a close friend and the dearest person in their world. In this case, there is a vision of your chosen one as an ideal person, and not his image.

When you are young, you define relationships with your life partner as "life before marriage" and "life after marriage." For many, the second stage is the longest, usually 50-60 years, sometimes more.

Relationships in marriage can be understood much better if we conditionally divide them into stages during which a married couple goes through many ups and downs together.

There are 7 stages of relationship in marriage, each of them is different and separates from the rest.

We hope that describing the phases of married life will help you understand why certain things happen in your relationship. And you will get a clearer idea of ​​​​the possible options for the development of marriage.

Stage 1: honeymoon

It comes right after the wedding and lasts from a few months to a year or two. This is the most romantic and tender period, full of passion. This period is very important, as it saturates the feelings of the spouses.

It is known that in ancient times, a newlywed soldier was given a “vacation” for 1 year in order to establish strong relationships, settle down and provide for his family.

Stage 2: Awareness

Depending on the circumstances, it comes abruptly or gradually, immediately after the previous stage. It can affect partners both together and separately.

This phase of family relations allows you to evaluate and understand the overall picture of marriage: home improvement, the appearance of children, the distribution of responsibilities, awareness of the imperfection of a life partner, the manifestation of far from the best character traits ... in general, a return to real life with all its delights.

Stage 3: Confrontation

The phase of realizing that a life partner is not as ideal as it was previously thought. The second half is increasingly showing its true “face”. And this leads to frequent quarrels, which until that moment had no place in the relationship.

During this period, it is common for spouses to rethink their future, in which, perhaps, there is no current partner. Dreams and hopes may not come true, disappointment and conflicts can easily replace former tenderness and passion.

Stage 4: Reassessment

Usually occurs after 10 years of marriage. A married couple has already got used to each other's shortcomings, is trying to reconsider all the strengths and weaknesses of marriage and are starting to restore marriage as such. The family becomes mature, the upbringing of children and the examples of seed pairs of acquaintances and relatives contribute especially well to this.

Stage 5: cooperation

This stage can be called the second honeymoon. Partners, after overcoming conflicts, temptations, boredom, take the opportunity to re-discover each other. Raising children, building a successful career is a great time to refocus on your life partner.

Stage 6: midlife crisis

Spouses may experience a midlife crisis when career and marriage peaks have already been reached. Thoughts of approaching old age tend to negatively affect both: there is a strong desire to look and feel stronger and younger. It happens that for this reason one of the spouses leaves the family and finds a young partner.

An important problem at this stage is the growing up of children who will soon leave their parental “nest”.

All existing problems can be added: the death of parents, illness, loss of work ... Such situations can negatively affect spouses, cause accusations, regrets, resentment, conflicts ...

Only by joint efforts can we overcome all the difficulties on the way to saving the marriage, especially if the spouses really love each other. But, unfortunately, many families are destroyed precisely at the stage of a midlife crisis.

Stage 7: Satisfaction

After more than a decade of living together, the spouses are still satisfied that they stayed together. Many couples, remembering the past, feel mutual gratitude for supporting each other all this time, which is called “both in sorrow”, “and in joy”. There comes an understanding that the choice of a partner for life was the right one, and this causes a feeling of satisfaction and real happiness.

The next significant crisis of 3 years often coincides with the birth of the first child. Now the spouses will need to get used to the new role of parents for themselves. In addition, the spouses begin to notice that they have changed during the period of living together, interdependence has appeared. During this period, there may be a need to return to oneself in a premarital state through the renewal of old contacts or a change in professional activity. In this crisis, the main thing is not to go too far from the family and make the birth of a child a happy and connecting event.

According to experts in the field of relationship psychology, the crisis of 7 years is the most difficult to overcome among the crises that arise between a man and a woman in marriage. This is the stage of satiety with each other. The spouses have already studied each other so well that they can do without words at all. On the one hand, it's great to have a reliable partner who understands you, on the other hand, monotony, dullness and predictability put pressure on a married couple, the relationship seems insipid. By this period, as a rule, life has already been established, the role of parents has become familiar, and in the absence of other goals, spouses can start looking for novelty on the side. Experts note that after 7-10 years of marriage, the highest probability of infidelity.

To avoid a breakup, during this period it is recommended to find a new common hobby. For example, take salsa lessons. This will allow you to get to know your partner from an unusual side. You need to try not to forget why the relationship began. You can return romance to a relationship if you arrange surprises and dates for each other again.

The next crisis is related to the personal condition of the spouses. It occurs during a midlife crisis, when there is a tendency to rethink and dissatisfaction with the life lived, there is a fear that there is too little time left. This is a difficult period in the life of every person, and spouses should unite and try to convince each other that they did everything right and chose the right life partner.

The final crisis occurs when children leave home to build their own lives. Spouses can find comfort in each other: go on a cruise or move out of town, because most of the goals have already been achieved.

The psychology of relationships that arise between a man and a woman in any marriage is not only a series of crises, it is also affection, respect, tenderness, care and love.

What is a family relationship? This is a special form of coexistence of two people. The main purpose of creating a family has always been and is the continuation of the family, joint housekeeping and maximum satisfaction of the needs of all its members.

The psychology of family life is a very subtle science and requires taking into account many nuances. Each person is individual. He has his own needs, habits and desires. When a man or woman lives independently, there is a feeling of freedom, permissiveness, and so on. Many believe that after marriage, all this disappears somewhere. However, this is not quite true. It all depends on the attitude of a person to a particular situation. If you do not succumb to common prejudices, but live by your own mind, then you will quickly realize that everything is quite the opposite.

Despite the fact that the psychology of family life seems incredibly complex, you do not have to put much effort into studying it. It is very important to be able to talk to your partner. Regular, daily conversations between spouses help them overcome many obstacles and avoid most problems. In order to learn something about a person, you can live together for many years or just talk frankly.

Your loved one may, for example, not guess what you prefer to eat for dinner, what flowers you like and what public places you are interested in. He can learn this through girlfriends, friends. But it's much easier to talk about it. This will save you from mistakes and unpleasant surprises, and therefore from quarrels.

The psychology of marital conflicts is no less interesting than, for example, the study of space. The scope for imagination is unlimited here. Having a great desire to quarrel with your spouse, you can find not even a hundred, but a thousand reasons. For this, sometimes it is enough to look around. And suddenly somewhere there is a dirty sock, the dishes are not washed, or the light in the bathroom is not turned off again. Every little thing can play a huge role and cause discord in the family.

Any conflict can be avoided quite easily. The couple, who have lived together for more than one year, have already studied each other well. They know how to calm a partner, and how to make them angry. Smart women know how to manage their husbands so well that they always get what they want from him.

The psychology of family life is not immediately given to lovers. Young spouses can be given one, universal advice. If you see that a loved one is in a bad mood and a quarrel can break out of the blue, then just keep silent. If he wants, let him talk. Don't add fuel to the fire. Speak in a flat, calm voice. Let him (she) feel your calmness and firmness. Then you will have the opportunity to speak.

The psychology of family life implies relationships not only between spouses. As a rule, their life, especially at first, proceeds under the strict supervision of their parents. Very often, this unnerves the young couple and creates additional reasons for quarrels. In order not to find yourself in such a situation, you can simply discuss these issues with your parents in advance. For example, frankly say that you want to live on your own and will not tolerate their interference. Unfortunately, many parents, especially mothers, do not understand this desire. In this case, a good psychologist of family relations will help you. He will give good advice on how to act in a particular situation.

Video Husband is destiny? Psychology of marriage and family

Any married couple in independence, whether they are a young family or already with experience, difficulties happen in life, which is a possible cause of conflict. According to experts in the field of psychology, conflicts occur constantly in 80-85% of families. The most common causes of their occurrence include:

• selfishness in relationships;
• disrespect for each other;
• lack of attention, care, affection and other attributes of interpersonal relations of spouses;
• sexual dissatisfaction;
• addiction to bad habits or addictions;
• financial disputes;
• dissatisfaction in the surrounding family environment;
• marital infidelity;
• different views on leisure, interests and life in general.

There are many other causal factors that affect family life. Be that as it may, the basis of family conflicts is the psychological illiteracy of partners. The key to a happy marriage is the relationship between spouses. They are made up of the ability to psychologically competently build their daily relationships and communication and thereby elementarily prevent conflicts.

It is necessary to discuss the problem and disagreements in the form of a dialogue. It is important not only to be ready to speak, but also to listen and hear your spouse. The difference lies not only in the fact that one gives the opportunity to speak to the other, but also seeks to take note and comprehensively analyze what was said by the “opponent”.

Give up the desire to win. Often, a constructive way out of the situation cannot be found just because each of the spouses wants to remain the only one in the right, neglecting the interests of the other.

Distribute the primacy of roles fairly and evenly. Unfair and uneven distribution of family roles is a direct path to conflicts.

Fundamental rules

So, let's single out 15 basic rules for conflict-free communication between husband and wife:

1. Never blame anyone for anything.
2. Do not show feelings of superiority.
3. You can not make more demands on a partner than on yourself.
4. Even in criticism, do not stoop to insults and humiliation.
5. If the spouse does not ask for advice, you should refrain.
6. Respect your partner and his opinion.
7. Give the opportunity to speak.
8. Make important decisions with your spouse, not instead of your spouse.
9. Try to be friendly and smile more often.
10. Show attention and care. They should become a permanent part of the marriage.
11. Be able to openly express feelings, but at the same time not be intrusive. A certain amount of freedom must be allowed.
12. Admire the virtues of each other.
13. Reduce the psychological distance by avoiding alienation in relationships.
14. Show interest in the affairs of the other spouse, try to be informed about their status.
15. Last but not least, patience!

Remember, family happiness exists only where the dignity of each other is respected. Respect and appreciate each other, contribute to the development of relationships and then your family will bypass all conflict situations, becoming a support and support in any difficult situations!

As you know, "all happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." So how are happy families similar to each other? How and why can love continue throughout life? The American psychologist and psychoanalytic psychotherapist Judith Wallerstein tried to answer these questions.

I would like to share with you the findings of her study of 50 happy couples, in which she used the case study method. To participate in this study, married couples were selected that met the following criteria:

1. The couple must be legally married for at least 9 years;
2. The couple has one or more children;
3. Both husband and wife consider their marriage happy;
4. Consent of both spouses to both individual and joint interviews.

Based on this study, Wallerstein proposed nine psychological challenges to marriage that challenge men and women throughout their life journey. These tasks are a kind of building blocks of a harmonious and strong marriage. These tasks, as they transform, are the work of marriage to maintain a high quality relationship in the face of the stresses of modern society and the changes that occur with each of the partners throughout life.

9 Psychological Problems of Marriage

The first challenge in any first marriage is to separate psychologically from the family of origin, commit to the relationship, and build a new kind of bond with the parent's generation. These two tasks, seemingly in opposition to each other, are in fact closely intertwined and equally necessary. You can live separately with the one you love and even live in an official marriage and have children, but at the same time not psychologically separate from your parental family. To have a good marriage, you need to acquire an independent position and be able to rely on your own ability to make decisions and exercise choices. Every person entering into marriage must transfer the primary love and loyalty from the parents to the marriage partner. This emotional transition from the role of son or daughter to the role of husband or wife is achieved through internal processing of attachments and conflicts with parents.

For those who married young, the challenges of early marriage coincide with the challenges of maturity. A good marriage can help each partner mature, while a bad marriage can block or delay maturity. It often happens that parents emotionally do not let go of their grown-up child, they try with all their might to maintain control over him. Often, parents also believe that their child deserves a better partner and explicitly or implicitly convey this opinion to both spouses. It happens that tension arises between one of the parents and the daughter's husband or husband's wife, especially if the young couple lives with their parents, which can result in a clear conflict between the spouse and parents.

Everyone, from a grown-up child to a parent who has reached a new milestone in their life path, must experience the loss of the everyday presence of another. Recognition of a son's or daughter's choice of a life partner and adaptation to a new life is a serious test for the maturity of parents. Alas, not everyone has such mature parents who are able to accept that they have lost their former influence on their children entering adulthood.

The process of separation is painful and rarely goes without tears and anger, but it is necessary to protect the marriage. Both the young couple and parents on both sides should be involved in building new relationships. Maintaining relationships is a lifelong challenge for both generations.

I will also briefly note that in second marriages, this task also includes getting rid of attachment to past partners and getting rid of the ghosts of a previous marriage.

2. Building a community based on shared closeness and identity, while at the same time establishing boundaries that protect the autonomy of each partner

Building togetherness and autonomy refers to a common vision shared by both partners of how you want to spend your life together, which involves creating a psychological marriage identity that is "us together" rather than "each of us separately." Building a new, shared identity requires a shift from the "I" of the emancipated teenager and young adult to a solid and reliable "We".

The feeling that you are part of a couple is what strengthens modern marriage. It is a powerful bulwark against the relentless threats to our divorce culture. The sense of "we" gives a marriage a restraining strength in the face of inevitable frustrations and temptations to run away and go astray. It also gives the partners the feeling that they have created their own independent state in which they themselves make the rules. For the sake of loyalty to the created community, each partner is faced with the need to abandon self-centeredness and sacrifice some part of their autonomy.

Each person can experience disappointment, pain, anger, facing the need to share, give in, give up their former freedoms. Each is angry at being confronted with the responsibilities of adulthood and the terrible burden of the other's constant and demanding presence. There is always the danger, especially in the early years of marriage, that the partner's needs and demands will be perceived as insatiable, frightening, exploitative, and humiliating, that the demands of adulthood will be mixed with the demands of the partner, and the blame for this will be placed on him.

However, creating a marriage identity is only half of the task. The other half is maintaining autonomy and establishing a distance between husband and wife, giving each a certain private space, protected from intrusion by the other.

Balancing community and autonomy is one of the main keys to a successful marriage. Differences must be tolerated, recognized and accepted. The community acquired in marriage has individuation as its reverse side. Intimacy has its necessary opposite in flexible distance and the right to be alone with yourself or in relationship with someone else. Building autonomy within a mutually shared vision of marriage is not the same as maintaining the individual lifestyle that each partner brings to marriage.

These days, men and women marry later and resist giving up their personal lifestyle. It would be easier for people contemplating marriage if they understood that giving up some of the positive aspects of living alone is an inevitable and necessary step.

These first two tasks, the psychological separation from the family of origin and finding a balance between building a sense of "We", and maintaining some autonomy, according to Judith Wallerstein, create the foundation for a family union.

3. Creating fulfilling and pleasurable sexual relationships and protecting them from intrusions from family and work-related commitments

We mistakenly believe that because of the pre-existing sexual experience that people marry today, building a good sexual relationship is relatively easy. But sexual intimacy in marriage is often accompanied by anxiety, a feeling of fear of being ridiculed, rejected, abandoned, or, on a more primitive level, being suppressed or subjugated by a partner.

Although few would dispute the centrality of sexual relations to a good marriage, this study, as well as the study of the causes of divorce, confirmed the fact that the sexual life of partners is a very vulnerable part of the relationship. She is sensitive to short and long breaks associated with stress at work, childbirth, the growing needs of young children, illness, general fatigue, and the like. When sexual relations are regularly postponed (the child is crying, the boss is calling, etc.), the connection in the couple is weakening, and may gradually develop into a crisis.

An emotionally rich sex life makes a life together worthy of the many sacrifices that are required to maintain strong family ties. The couples in this study worked very hard to ensure they had private time to spend together. They considered this moment decisive. Sexual relationships in marriage, to a much greater extent than casual relationships, need to be given priority. Without this, sexual contacts can become superficial and not fully satisfying.

The bedroom is a privileged place for light play, erotic pleasure, laughter, adventure, passion, accepted aggression and, in the end, achieving freedom from childish taboos.

The birth of a child usually reduces the interest in sex in women, this usually lasts the entire first year after the birth of the child. As one woman said: "I felt that my breasts belonged to the child, and my husband was invading other people's possessions."

Conversely, the birth of a child may lead to increased sexual arousal in men; they may feel vulnerable, rejected because a child has taken their place. Married couples often resolved these explosive disagreements in the following way: at the first opportunity, the needs of the partner were given priority, regardless of the level of their own sexual desires.

Maintaining sexual desire over the years requires constant, fine tuning from partners, i.e. sensitivity to each other's needs and desires.

4. The ability to "take a hit" when a baby appears in the family and, at the same time, maintaining the closeness of a married couple. Consolidation of efforts related to parental roles and obligations in connection with the birth of children

For the couples in this study, the experience of parenthood was one of the most important experiences in life. Parenthood, along with its many challenges, helped define marriage, fostered psychological growth, and brought countless joyful experiences. Life would be much easier without children, but these difficulties were worth it. Children provided a sense of stability and purpose in life. For many people, children have given marriage moral meaning and a sense of intergenerational continuity. Each person said that life would not be so rich for him without the shared experience of raising children.

The arrival of children changes a marriage forever, bringing anxiety and a sense of calm and well-being, fatigue and endless excitement and laughter into the home. Children speed up the rhythm of life and paint it in bright colors. They evoke in parents a special tenderness and patronage, as well as a sense of responsibility and care. The birth of children challenges parents, forcing them to reconsider their own life goals and values. Raising children can sometimes feel like a heavy burden, but in good marriages, men and women are willing to make those sacrifices for their children and take pride in themselves and each other as parents.

The first months after the birth of a child require the couple to make adjustments and new accommodations, expanding the cozy circle that includes the two of them in order to make space, both psychological and physical, for their child. Alas, many do not cope with this successfully. Often the birth of a child becomes a trigger for the failure of a marriage, many couples lose the intimacy and passion that they had before.

The birth of a child transforms the psychological and emotional life of the parents and thus changes the dynamics of the relationship between husband and wife. The dyad becomes a triad. During this period, as in no other, the living presence of the families of origin of both partners is sometimes felt. Fulfilling beautiful fantasies about your own child can revive old conflicts, open old wounds.

A common dilemma during this period is that his sexual arousal increases while hers decreases. A young man may think, "My wife doesn't want me, doesn't want to take care of me. She got what she wanted, and she only needs me to take care of her and the baby."

Unfortunately, this is a fairly common scenario, and then a man can seek solace on the side, with another woman. And even if the connection begins only as nothing more than a frivolous flirtation or an attempt at revenge, to his surprise, it can be very addictive.

The result can be a divorce a year or two after the birth of a child - a tragedy for the whole family. A significant number of divorces occur due to the fact that the couple was unable to integrate the child into the family and, at the same time, maintain, "reset" their special relationship as a couple.

Or events may develop in a different scenario. A father may sincerely identify with his wife's desire to give the baby full priority. He may give up his emotional and sexual demands on her. The result can be the glorification of a child in an emotionally impoverished, boring marriage. Such a marriage, in which the needs of the couple are completely neglected, can last indefinitely or, to everyone's surprise, suddenly fall apart.

I will briefly note that similar problems arise with the birth of each child, and even more problems if there is a small time difference between the birth of children.

5. Ability to resist and overcome the inevitable crises of life, maintain the strength of marital ties in the face of adverse circumstances

A series of crises affect the life of any person, any family. The couples from this study were no exception. All of them have experienced at least one major tragedy, some have experienced several traumatic events in their life together.

In general, crises can be divided into two broad categories. The first is crises that come from foreseeable changes in life. These are events or changes that occur at different stages of life, such as pregnancy; birth of a child; reaching middle life by adults; the child reaches adolescence or the moment when he leaves the house; menopause; retirement and similar changes can lead to a crisis. While such crises can be predicted, their form, pace, and accompanying feelings are generally unpredictable.

The second category includes unexpected twists and turns of fate that can occur at any time in life. Some of them may have been partly expected, such as the death of an elderly parent, some never even entered consciousness, such as the sudden death of a friend or child.

The task of coping with a crisis includes a series of steps that happy couples follow in this study. First, they tried to realistically acknowledge and think about the consequences of the crisis. They sought to separate their worst-case fears from what actually happened.

For example, the parents of a child diagnosed with cancer feared the worst, but assumed that the treatment could be successful. They thought realistically about the extent and duration of the crisis, seeking to learn as much as possible about its potential consequences. They tried to think not only about how the crisis affects the one who suffered the most, but also did not forget about other family members and marital relationships. By realistically planning their actions, as much as was possible under the circumstances, they avoided the extremes of freezing in helplessness and throwing themselves desperately into meaningless activity.

Secondly, they defended each other without falling into accusations, despite the strong temptation to do so. In fact they did even more; they tried to protect each other from untrue self-accusations.

Third, they took steps to bring back some of the fun and humor into their lives in order to maintain an outside perspective on their current events. They did something for each other and for the kids to push back the sense of doom and gloom.

Fourthly, they did not portray themselves as a martyr and sufferer or a saint. Fear makes each of us capricious and dissatisfied with everything. Like all people, study participants sometimes behaved inappropriately and even did destructive and self-destructive things, for example, in a fit of anger, they left those who love you and who need you. But usually they were able to block these impulses and control themselves, because they saw the connection between the crisis and the inappropriate harmful reaction. And they made great efforts to bring destructive tendencies under control and avoid their negative impact on marriage.

Fifth, they prevented the crises they saw coming. So, for example, they didn't wait until their spouse's drinking or depression became devastating; they intervened at an early stage of the problem. One woman whose husband started drinking and came late because of problems at work told him firmly, "I'm not going to tell our daughter that I don't know where her father is. Stop drinking." She expressed her demand from the point of view of the daughter he loved, and the man really stopped drinking. He later thanked his wife for her foresight in averting the disaster.

As we can see, people in happy marriages are not those who are very lucky in life, they are not the minions of fate at all. Those who have persevered and become stronger after a crisis experience just as much anxiety and guilt as others. They experience the same distress and anger, but instead of seeing their partner as a scapegoat, they help each other to bear the new burden and overcome the crisis that has arisen.

6. Creating a safe space to express differences, anger and conflict

The sixth task of marriage is to build relationships that are safe from the point of view of disagreement, conflict and anger. The ability of spouses to learn how to resolve differences and stand up for their point of view without fear of negative consequences is an important achievement of a successful marriage. "A marriage free from conflict" is an oxymoron. The choice offered by real life, such as whether or not to have a child, or whose career is more important, can cause an acute and protracted conflict. In fact, there can be a great variety of reasons for disagreements and potential conflicts, from the most serious to the most banal.

Inevitable hardships of family life: difficulties in raising children and work, fatigue, frustration, difficulties of living in close proximity; A significant contribution to this list of adversities is made by illness, financial troubles and other acute and chronic stresses of life, causing tension in relationships and the desire to find a "scapegoat" who could be blamed for their own misfortunes.

Men and women described conflict episodes that remained in their memory as the main critical points in their relationship. Although the encounters were painful and sometimes threatening, partners learned to see themselves and their spouse in a more realistic light. In their unanimous opinion, an important achievement of a successful marriage is the ability of spouses to learn how to resolve differences and defend their point of view without fear of negative consequences.

The same demons haunt happy and unhappy marriages. In failed marriages, these demons of conflict and anger slowly erode the fabric of the relationship, threatening to lead to a final breakup. In successful marriages, the same demons are consciously rebuffed. Disagreements may take place, but manifestations of anger lose their strength and are drowned out by love, pity, sympathy and understanding for each other, fidelity to the marital union and the conviction that the family must be protected during the storm of life.

Efforts to control their own flashpoints to avoid flare-ups, containment of emotion, and control of their internal reactions were the inner work that partners did in taking care of their connection. Knowing each other well enough, the partners often strategically built a certain line of behavior. They learned to watch each other and wait for the right moment to discuss complex issues.

7. Sharing laughter and interests with each other

Family life and raising children is a very difficult, everyday job, so one of the most important tasks for a married couple is to provide space for play, humor and lively interests. Just as sexual relationships can become routine and lose their spontaneity and passion, so too can a marriage lose its novelty and freshness, become frozen in the monotonous repetition of daily routines. The challenge of using humor and laughter to refill relationships over and over again is a lifelong one. It's not something just for holidays and anniversaries; laughter can be a part of everyday life.

Light, joking and playful banter was an important aspect of their relationship for many of the couples in this study. Playful banter, light flirting, and laughter that brings a hint of insecurity—not enough to cause anxiety, but enough to dispel boredom—are an important part of a satisfying marital relationship. Sometimes the play on words had sexual innuendos, but more often the jokes focused on the ups and downs of everyday life. Humor is a great way to defuse anger and tension, as well as restore wounded self-esteem.

Another aspect of this task is to keep and share interest with each other. Boredom is one of the main enemies of marriage. Happy spouses do find each other interesting. They do not live side by side in silence; they enjoy spending time together. They can watch movies together and share their impressions, talk about politics, from time to time they can talk for several hours about something before going to bed. Their joint and personal interests contribute to their endless conversations with each other.

8. Providing care for each other and meeting the needs of a partner in dependence and support

Our needs for comfort and encouragement are deep and constant. The main task of every marriage from the very beginning of the relationship to its end is to take care of each other. The loneliness of life in big cities; lack of significant contacts at work; the distance that separates close friends and family - these and many other aspects of modern life exacerbate our emotional hunger. We often feel tired, insecure, frustrated, or unsuccessful. At times like these, we all need someone's sympathy. Today, the marriage of a man and a woman is their castle, a private place where they can hide from the stresses of public life, where their needs for comfort, care and support can be met on a reciprocal basis.

Both men and women equally need a person they trust, who will calm them down with the words "You did everything you could", who will alleviate their anxiety by confidently saying "You cannot change this. Stop blaming yourself", who before any then the test will support the words "You can do it, I believe in you." We all need a sympathetic listener to our confessions about how we lost our temper in some life situation and are afraid of the possible consequences of this.

If everyday frustrations are not noticed, serious consequences are inevitable. Especially when a marriage involves two careers and young children, explosive consequences are highly likely. There is no magical remedy to prevent this. The only resource we can turn to and deal with the negative consequences is the common sense, goodwill and sense of justice of both partners.

Partners can help each other in a variety of ways. Someone needs to talk, someone prefers to be alone, listen to music or take a nap. Some need sympathy, reassurance and advice. Some couples, when they start helping each other with burdensome household chores, find to their surprise that they become less terrible when done together.

9. Keeping a double vision of a partner

This refers to the ability of each of the partners to combine two images of a spouse or wife: an idealized, romantic image of the emergence of love in a couple, which is organically inscribed with realistic changes that have occurred with the person himself and his half over many years of marriage.

The ability to keep in mind the images of youth, youth helps to keep the miracle of falling in love, the former sexual attraction to each other and the pride that such an amazing person lives next to you, who, of course, is aware of his originality, as well as to extract from images and fantasies the early period of the relationship is nourishing and renewing. These powerful images originate in the fantasies of early childhood, as well as in the magic of mutual sexual attraction: reflections of light on the face or hair of a loved one (or beloved), a special timbre of voice. Such sensory memories can remain vivid throughout life. From the materials of the study, it became clear that such images can retain their strength and affective component over many years of marriage until old age. They can even become even more vivid in old age with the imminent threat of losing a loved one.

References:

Wallerstein J.S. The Early Psychological Tasks of Marriage: Part I. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, Vol 64(4), Oct 1994, 640-650.
Wallerstein J.S. Psychological Tasks of Marriage: part 2. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. 66(2), 1996, 217-227.
Wallerstein J.S., Blakeslee S. The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts. Houghton Mifflin Company, 1996.

Good day, dear and respected guests of my blog! Men's logic for women is a real mystery. Do you think there are secrets with which you can find the keys to understanding men?

All psychologists in the world are actively working to understand the psychology of the stronger sex in married life. As a result of numerous studies, it was found that men in a given situation behave in a certain way.

Given this data, you can establish behaviors that will help. Today we will talk on such a topic as the psychology of the relationship of a man to a woman in marriage.

What is marriage for a man?

Men's ideas about marriage are completely different from women's. Usually the stronger sex interprets marriage as follows:

• they are afraid of losing their freedom, so they are in no hurry to get married;
• men always prefer to be the main ones in the family, even with a small income;
• a woman should always remain the mistress and keeper of the hearth.

When entering into marriage, it is important that the husband does not feel strong pressure on himself. As a rule, this does not lead to anything good.

Experts say that strong couples have their own free time, which they spend separately. It does not matter how it happens: alone with yourself or with friends watching football, it is important that there is trust between people.

A wife should not forbid communicating with dear people - friends of her husband. Yes, he sometimes wants to go to the cinema with them or to the bathhouse without you. And yes, he may even want to sleep separately.

If for you this state of affairs is unacceptable in a marital relationship, then you simply exist, and do not live. Or you have nothing to do. A woman does not have to work to be busy, she can have her own favorite thing, which she will be very passionate about, then she will stop clinging to her man.

And more importantly, any modern man wants to be proud of his soul mate, therefore, if you are a person who stands still, then of course he will not be interested in taking you with him to have fun in the company of colleagues or friends.

Spouses relationship

Every family has its own psychology, and you can’t argue with that. Sometimes disagreements can arise between people. There are times when family life becomes unbearable. There is no longer that romance, high spirits, and everywhere there are only household worries and affairs. To achieve understanding, people must go a long way together.

Very often women complain about family life. This comes from the fact that they imagine everything differently, but in reality they have to solve a lot of problems every day. Men, on the other hand, talk about this simply: they have already acquired the status that they dreamed of and now they can live in peace. However, courtship, positive impressions. This is a kind of exercise for solving everyday problems.

When people begin to share life and everyday life together, a man becomes more confident. He has no desire to change something in his soul mate, because they think everything over in advance. In marriage, the spouse usually behaves in the usual way, but if it comes to conflict, he can become harsh and thereby offend his soulmate.

Basically, all changes are stressful for partners. They begin to worry that the feelings have passed. With the beginning of independent living, the first conflicts and disagreements begin. There are no two completely identical personalities, so views on many things can be different. The situation is aggravated, because there are more responsibilities and duties.

What to do? If a married life initially has its own housing, they will get used to each other much faster. Everyone should have their own personal space where people can relax and gain strength. In addition to the physical, every person needs psychological rest.

In no case should you put pressure on your husband and demand that he tell you every step he takes. Whatever he wants to tell you, he will definitely tell you. Extra interrogations will lead to scandals.

The experience of married couples who have lived together for many years shows that people become very close and cannot imagine their lives without each other. You cannot keep passion until old age, but you can understand your chosen one and not conflict with him in small things.

Never go to sleep if you are offended by your spouse, speak frankly with him, make compliments and pleasantries, then everything will always be fine in your life together.

The topic of the psychology of the relationship of a man to a woman in marriage is quite extensive, so I recommend that you read my other articles for more information. Happy reading!