The child behaves badly. What to do? Why is my child behaving badly?

This tendency is very common: if something happens wrong, it means that we, the parents, are to blame. I, the mother, did something wrong, which is why the child behaves so difficultly.

There is one simple rule in the psychology of parent-child relationships: the child behaves worst of all with the one he loves most. Or rather, with whom you have the closest and most trusting relationship. If you are faced with a phenomenon where your child behaves worst of all with you, rejoice, you have created for him that very basic level of trust that is so fashionable to mention in modern attachment theory. This is truly a healthy relationship with your mother.

If a child walks to the line in front of his mother, and reveals all his bad behavior to, say, the nanny or grandmother, then this behavior should cause much more tension. This means that he and his mother are put together, he and his mother are, as they say, “in an office suit.” But this is a rare case; for this you need to work not just full time, but generally all the time. And it’s not enough to see the child.

This type of behavior occurs in children in those families where there are two nannies who work every other day, and the parents see him on weekends. From my point of view, fortunately, there are not very many such families in Russia. Our standard situation is usually this: the mother is the person closest to the child, and the child behaves worst of all with her.

The explanation is this: yes, the child behaves worse with his mother, because he can afford not to control his behavior and emotions, although with other people he has already learned to control himself and even does it systematically. This is the first reason.

A child is a chameleon

The average parent sees the level of emotional imitation much worse. When a child behaves badly when his mother arrives, but before that he behaved well with another adult, this is a very clear illustration of automatic chameleonism.

Let's say a child was with his grandmother all day, everything was fine with them. During this time, the child adapted to the grandmother’s type of reactions, her requirements, speed, speech patterns, to what the grandmother was happy with and dissatisfied with. It turned speckled purple. This happens not at the level of understanding, but at the level of sensations. He does this without thinking, like a plant turns towards the light, like a dog or cat comes to pity or treat its owner.

So he adjusted, and then mom came, and with her another system of coordinates, demands and emotional expectations, another system of reactions to this or that behavior, to certain words. And the child is still purple with specks, he has not had time to become red with stripes again.

For a child, for some time, just a wedge turns on: two coordinate systems work simultaneously. Therefore, he is lost, and one of the possibilities to get out of this confusion is provocative behavior. This all happens not at the level of awareness, it is hysteria, a behavioral failure.

I'm a bad mom

It's the same with the child's emotional reactions. If we just wait a little and don’t move away dangerously, don’t become cold, but take a couple of steps away, then the child will change lanes. Most likely, he will get out of the behavioral failure on his own, and even if he gets stuck in it, we can help him with the words: “You are being so naughty now that I understand that you really missed me.” Wait out the wave and allow a change in color - the child will turn from purple with specks to red with stripes again.

If the contrast between grandmother and mother is too great, then reactions of this type can be very strong. Then you need to arrange it so that the child is literally instantly transferred from hand to hand. Because the child will be sore if mother and grandmother sit down to drink tea.

Dedicated line of communication with each adult

It makes sense to keep the following picture in your head: with every adult who has a close life relationship with a child, he will have his own line of behavior, a dedicated line of communication.

The child should have a dedicated line of communication with his grandmother and nanny. This mainly happens to grandparents, but divorced dads also hang on a dedicated line. This is its own special relationship, which differs from the relationship with the mother, which develops according to different laws, in which the child is different, because in every close relationship a person manifests himself differently.

Such relationships will not be dangerous, provided that on the mother’s part they do not cause jealousy, rebuff, aggression, or dictatorship. After all, if a mother spends enough time with her child, the relationship with her will remain the most important and trusting for him, the most he can do in it. Giving your child permission to be different and to be with others in a space will only benefit everyone.

If a child speaks to his grandmother in a completely different voice and with different intonations and, perhaps, commands and even manipulates her, then he behaves this way because for the grandmother this is normal, the grandmother allows it, they develop their own, quite harmonious story.

In a relationship with a divorced dad, of course, everything is not so calm and safe; it is much more difficult to give a dedicated line. But in relations with older relatives, whose good intentions you do not doubt, it is quite easy to allow a separate format. A dedicated line of communication will be with the first teacher, if he turns out to be humane. And then the child will be able to form his own history of communication with friends.

There are many reasons for children's disobedience, and at each age they are different - that is, at 2 years old, 5, 7, 8 or 9 years old, a child behaves badly due to some certain factors. Although, of course, there are also general negative prerequisites, for example, permissiveness.

The question of what to do when a child does not listen at all is not uncommon. And you cannot leave the situation to chance, because often bad behavior takes extreme forms when a child or teenager practically fights off. Let's figure it out.

The list of situations when a child behaves inappropriately is very long.

Below are 5 typical examples of child disobedience, each of which has its own prerequisites and age limits:

1. . It often happens that after repeated warnings, a two-year-old baby breaks out of his mother’s arms during a walk, grabs sharp objects, etc. Naturally, such actions are exhausting.
2. . The child responds to any mother’s demand or request with resistance, protest, and hysteria. He doesn’t want to get dressed, sit down at the table, or return from a walk. This behavior often occurs in children as young as 3 years old and even as young as 4 years old.
3. The child disturbs others. Even at 5 years old, children can behave simply unbearably: screaming and running in public places, pushing and kicking. As a result, the mother is very ashamed of the dissatisfied looks and comments of people around her. Most often, by the age of 7, this problem completely disappears.
4. . When asked by adults to get dressed and clean their room, children respond with silence and ignoring words addressed to them. This behavior is especially typical at the age of 10 and older, when teenage rebellion begins.
5. . Such actions are more typical for younger preschool children. At 4 years old, children can loudly demand and insist on purchasing an expensive toy or some kind of sweet.

To solve such problems, there are educational techniques that are designed to make the child more obedient. But before describing them, you need to figure out why children do not obey.

Reasons for disobedience

The sources of “wrong” behavior are sometimes very easy to establish simply by analyzing the baby’s actions and your reaction to them. In other situations, the provoking factors are hidden, so the analysis should be more in-depth.

Below are the most common reasons for disobedience in children of different ages:

1. Crisis period. Psychology identifies several main crisis stages: 1 year, 3 years, 5, 7 years, 10 - 12 years (beginning of adolescence). Naturally, the boundaries are quite conditional; what is more important is that during these periods significant changes occur in the child’s personality and abilities. Both the psyche and behavior change.
2. Excessive number of prohibitions. Rebellion is a natural reaction of children of any age to restrictions. When the word “impossible” is constantly heard, a child sometimes deliberately breaks prohibitions in order to prove his independence and “annoy” his parents.
3. Inconsistency of parents. For various reasons, parents impose sanctions against the child for something that yesterday, if not encouraged, was not condemned. Naturally, he is confused and disoriented, which is expressed in disobedience.
4. Permissiveness. In such a situation, on the contrary, there are practically no restrictions. The child is allowed literally everything, since parents confuse the concepts of “happy childhood” and “carefree childhood.” The result of indulging any whims is spoilage;
5. Disagreements in matters of education. Different requirements for a child are not uncommon. For example, fathers usually demand more from their children, while mothers show sympathy and pity. Or a conflict may arise between parents and the older generation. In any case, disobedience is a consequence of the child’s disorientation.
6. Disrespect for children's personality. Often adults are convinced that a child of 8 or 9 years old is just as “disenfranchised” as a one-year-old. They do not want to listen to his opinion, so it is not surprising that protest behavior eventually arises.
7. Conflicts in the family. Adults, figuring out their own relationships, forget about the child. And he tries to attract attention through pranks or even serious offenses. Subsequently, this turns into a habit.

There are often cases when a child’s behavior worsens after a change in family composition: divorce or the birth of a brother/sister. The main motive for disobedience in such situations is the desire to attract attention.

How to respond to disobedience?

Typical problems and reasons for children's insubordination have already been discussed. Now you need to understand what parents should do if the child does not obey.

It is worth noting that we will talk about actions that still remain within the normal range. That is, we will consider disobedience, and not deviant behavior.

A useful and relevant article in which the psychologist talks about how parental screams affect his future life.

Another important article that is devoted to the topic of physical punishment. The psychologist will explain clearly.

What to do with a child if he behaves so thoughtlessly that it threatens his health or even life? It is necessary to introduce a system of rigid boundaries that are prohibited from crossing.

A 3-year-old child, actively exploring the world, simply has no idea how dangerous it is. However, due to age characteristics, he does not understand lengthy explanations, so the system of restrictions is based on conditioned reflexive behavior.

A child, having heard a certain word, is obliged to stop purely reflexively. This is important because there is not always time to explain the current situation and the likely consequences.

For this whole structure to work, need to:

• pick up a signal word, which would mean a categorical ban. It is best not to use the word “impossible” for this purpose, since the child hears it all the time. The signals “stop”, “danger”, “prohibit” are suitable;
• demonstrate the relationship between a signal word and a negative consequence. Of course, the situation should not pose a serious danger to the child. For example, if a child pulls his finger towards a needle, you can allow him to feel the pain from the sharp one. In truly dangerous situations, you need to repeatedly pronounce the signal expression: “It is dangerous to take a knife.”, “It is dangerous to touch the stove.”;
• remove emotions. Sometimes a child of 5 years of age deliberately provokes danger so that his mother is afraid for him, and he is saturated with her emotions. That's why you shouldn't show your strong feelings when your baby behaves like this.

The introduction of categorical prohibitions should also be accompanied by a reduction in other restrictions, since otherwise there is a risk that the child will simply become confused about what can and cannot be done.

As already noted, children go through several crises, which are characterized by protest sentiments. A growing person strives for autonomy, but rarely is a parent ready to provide it at 5, 8 or 9 years old.

What should parents do in this case? Allow the child to be more independent and make decisions. Agree, you can give him the opportunity to decide what he will have for breakfast or what he will wear to school.

Such things may seem trivial to parents, but for a growing child it is a kind of pass into the adult world. He also feels that he can benefit his loved ones.

If the child insists on completing a task that is obviously “losing”, allow him to do it (unless, of course, this will harm the child himself). However, after an unsatisfactory result, there is no need to say, they say, I warned you, etc.

If the protest turns into hysteria, the adult should remain calm, otherwise the emotional outburst will only intensify. You need to save the child from the audience, hold him close to you or, on the contrary, move away a little, without letting him out of sight. It all depends on the circumstances.

The child disturbs others

In this case, it is necessary to make it clear that there are general behavioral principles that must be observed. Naturally, if a child does not obey at the age of 4, then he may simply not understand the importance of fulfilling these requirements.

And yet it is necessary to make comments, explain and, ultimately, raise children. Therefore, the mother must repeat seemingly obvious things for the second and eighth time: “Don’t kick the chair, because the man in front is uncomfortable sitting.”

If it doesn’t work out now, then by the age of 8 the child will have learned the rules of behavior that mom or dad so often repeat. And the more accessible it is to explain, the sooner this moment will come.

Children do not want to listen to a parent who lectures them, for two reasons:

• the child is busy, lost in his thoughts, so he doesn’t even hear what the parent is saying;
• This is another version of protest behavior.

In the first case, children who exhibit autistic traits behave this way. However, similar behavior can also manifest itself in gifted children, since they constantly scroll through many different ideas in their heads.

It is necessary to figure out exactly why the child cannot or does not want to listen in order to correct the situation in time or try to improve relationships. A qualified psychologist will tell you what to do in this case.

Protest behavior is typical for children over 9 years of age and especially for teenagers. They want more independence, so they get angry with their parents and refuse to listen to them, thus resisting their demands.

It doesn’t matter whether a rebellious teenager or a three-year-old child doesn’t listen to his parents, the methods for solving the problem will be similar. Children need to be given more independence, if this does not harm their safety, and more love and support.

The child demands to buy him something

There is no need to wait for demands and capriciousness to develop into a hysterical attack. It is best to immediately leave the store and, under a plausible pretext, pick up the child. For example, explain that you forgot the money.

The failed “buyer” must be distracted by another action. Pay attention to the cat running by, count the birds on the branch, repeat the poem you learned. Usually kids quickly forget about an unfinished purchase.

If the child is older than 6 - 7 years old, then you should already negotiate with him. Let him argue why he needs this particular thing. Find out if he might be willing to spend his pocket money (if any) on a toy or phone.

Then you should promise to add the missing amount for your birthday or New Year and buy the item you like. Naturally, the promise must be kept.

We looked at what needs to be done if a child does not listen in typical situations. However, there are general recommendations which will be useful to all parents. And it doesn’t matter how old the child is - 3, 5, 8 or 9 years old.

1. Reduce the number of prohibitions, leaving them for really serious situations. In this case, the number of punishments will immediately decrease.
2. If an 8-year-old child does not listen, and you are used to solving problems by shouting, try to calm down and make comments in a calm tone.
3. If your child does not listen because he is engrossed, try to attract his attention not by shouting, but, on the contrary, by whispering, facial expressions or gestures. The interlocutor will have to listen, willy-nilly.
4. Don't voice your demands over and over again. First, simply warn the child to stop playing around, then a disciplinary measure follows. And after the punishment, the reason for such strict measures is explained.
5. Try not to use the particle “NOT” in your speech. This advice is based on the idea that children do not perceive a negative particle, literally taking the request as a guide to action.
6. If children are hysterical, there is no need to appeal to their reason at this moment. Calm down yourself, confirm your demand again without raising your voice. This happens more at 8 or 9 years old, but with young children a distraction maneuver will work.
7. Be consistent in your actions, demands and promises. Also enlist the support of your spouse and grandparents. Consistency will not allow you to disorient the child, who will have no reason to behave provocatively.
8. Try to spend more time communicating with your children. Moreover, it is not the number of minutes that is important, but the quality of interaction.
9. Prepare yourself mentally for the inevitable growing up. The child grows, he needs more independence to realize his desires and plans. Ensure this independence whenever possible.
10. Show genuine interest. Find out what your grown-up child is doing. Perhaps his favorite films are not so superficial, and the music is quite melodic.

If a child at 10 years old or 2 years old does not listen after many months of effort on your part, it is better to consult a psychologist.

In order for a child to obey or at least adequately respond to the demands of adults, it is necessary to restore the most trusting child-parent relationship and establish an emotional connection.

Ways to establish trust:

1. It is important for a child to understand that he can tell his parents about a situation that is disturbing him. Also, the little man needs to know that he can ask adults questions without fear that they will get angry. At the same time, parents should feel free to ask and clarify, talking about several ways to solve the problem.
2. If you need to convey some important news or ask for something urgent, it is better not to shout, but to come up and hug – that is, create physical contact. Such an action will show your high interest in this situation, and the child will have less reason to refuse you.
3. When communicating, you need to maintain eye contact, but your gaze should be soft. If the parent looks angry, then the child subconsciously feels a threat, a desire to put pressure on him, so he perceives every request as an order.
4. Education implies not only demands, but also gratitude. Praise and words of approval are the best incentive for children, because they hear them from their parents. By the way, material encouragement is not as valuable for a child as mother’s or father’s sincere gratitude.
5. You should not forget that you are a parent, that is, older and more experienced than your child. Excessively friendly relationships often lead to the fact that the child ceases to perceive you as a protector, the main person in the family. That is, you need to be more flexible.

It is important to learn how to react correctly to any problem, to consider it from all sides, including from the child’s perspective. In this case, trust will definitely return, and, therefore, children will no longer need to confront their parents.

The power of personal example

Children do not always respond well to a simple explanation of why they should behave one way or another. It is better to educate by personal example, because this method is much more effective than numerous words and wishes.

If a child at 6 years old does not obey, perhaps you should listen to his reasons and explanation of the action. It is especially important to demonstrate fairness in adolescence, so find the strength to reconsider your decision if it was wrong and ask for forgiveness for the mistake.

At one not so wonderful moment, almost every parent may face the problem of disobedience. However, you should not despair and resolve the issue by force; it is better to build a relationship with your child so that conflicts do not reach the point of no return.

In addition, think about whether an obedient child is such a good thing. After all, some manifestations of insubordination are associated with the normal passage of age-related crises, and if children never object, perhaps they lack independence and the desire for self-development.

And finally, adults themselves should serve as models of constructive behavior. Agree that it is stupid to demand that a child listen and hear if parents do not always keep promises, change demands without proper basis and do not want to give in on small things.

The most common problem with which parents turn to a psychologist is the realization that the child does not listen to them. “He behaves as he pleases, ignores my comments, or acts contrary to them.” What to do in this case? What can you do to get your child to start listening to an adult’s opinion?

Analyzing typical situations of children's disobedience, I came to a conclusion that readers of this article will not like much. In most cases of disobedience and whims of a child, the parents are “to blame”, and not the child himself.

And this is not an attempt to blame adults for improperly raising a child, but a desire to help them realize their mistakes.

As soon as you understand what your child wants to say with his whims and hysterics, you will find the key to his good mood and impeccable behavior at home, in kindergarten and on the street.

You need to start with the simplest. Stop shifting the blame to the crisis of three years, the transition period and other stages of a child’s growing up. All of the above, of course, leaves its mark on his behavior, but is not the only reason for the occurrence of whims.

Why doesn't the child listen? What are we doing wrong?

Little children never behave badly simply out of mischief, a desire to annoy an adult or ruin his mood. Unconsciously, children pursue their own goals, and it is the latter that determines how adults should behave. Let's look at the 4 most common situations.

Situation 1: The child wants to attract attention

My friend Nina works from home. He prepares materials for printed publications, so he spends a lot of time at the computer. She works mainly while the child is in kindergarten, but if he gets sick, she has to work with him at home, in the same room. In this case, less attention is paid to the sick child than we would like. But the mother, alas, has no choice.

While writing another article, my friend’s son began to play around - he covered his mother’s computer screen with a children’s book, tried to turn off the system unit and persistently turned the swivel chair in which his mother was sitting in different directions. When the mother's patience ran out, she sharply scolded the baby and sent him to “think about his behavior” in another room. Needless to say, the offended child then behaved badly all day?

What happened? A sick child needs attention. Of course, the mother gives it to the best of her ability. Gives the child medicines and drops strictly on time, tries to get him interested in drawing or watching cartoons. But the child is at that tender age when he really needs the affection, approval, and care of his mother. And she works, constantly looks at the monitor and quickly taps her fingers on the keyboard. So the child is trying to distract his mother from work, to force her to pay her attention to him.

For a child, the worst thing is indifference, the absence of positive emotions in the form of affection, tenderness, love. He thinks it’s better to be spanked or scolded than to simply not be noticed.

While working, a mother must remember to pay attention to her child. Take short breaks every hour so that together you can build a castle from construction kit parts, draw a funny bear on a piece of paper, or discuss a cartoon your child has watched. Optimally allocate time: “I’m working now, and in 40 minutes we’ll do this together.” If the terms of the contract suit the child, everyone will be happy - both mother and baby. While the mother is working, the child will find something to do and stop playing around. After all, he will know that soon his mother will finish and will play with him.

Situation 2: The child unconsciously takes revenge

When mom came to the kindergarten to take Dima home, the teacher complained about the child’s reluctance to participate in the children’s matinee: behave well at the rehearsal, sing songs, recite poems and dance. The mother scolded the child in front of the teacher and other children. And in the evening, when a friend called her mother, the child did not let her talk on the phone, he sang songs loudly, laughed and screamed.

What happened? There is a manifestation of the child’s unconscious revenge. Mom scolded her son in kindergarten, but he did not let her talk calmly on the phone. Please note that all this is unconscious, the child acts on a sudden impulse.

What is the right thing to do as an adult? The golden rule of education: punishment must be adequate in relation to the offense. Before punishing a child, you need to find out the degree of his guilt. There was no point in scolding the child in front of the teacher and other children; first, it was necessary to understand the reasons for the child’s reluctance to prepare for the matinee. And this is best done at home, in a comfortable environment for the child.

Somewhere deep down, the child is sure that he has a “presumption of innocence” before his parents. He will not be punished without understanding the reasons for his bad behavior. Here the program crashed; my mother heard about the offense and immediately punished me. To give vent to his resentment, the child arranges a “demonstration performance.”

Situation 3: The child is afraid of failure

The mother invited the child to play sports games. At home, I made a path of pins on the carpet and gave my son a small ball so that he could knock down the pins. When the child threw the ball, it flew in the opposite direction from the pins. The son was very upset, kicked the pins and ran out of the room. Afterwards, he was capricious all day and was in a bad mood.

What happened? This situation is typical for a family in which parents raise a child in a hyperprotective mode. They constantly reprimand the baby: “Don’t climb, you’ll fall!”, “Don’t touch, you’ll get dirty!”, “Don’t drink anything hot!” Sooner or later, the child comes to the conclusion that it is better to do nothing than to do something wrong. He develops an inferiority complex; every failure deeply hurts the child. To give vent to anxiety, anger and aggression, he begins to behave badly.

What is the right thing to do as an adult? Build a completely new line of behavior, stop patronizing the child and raising him to be a notorious loser. Allow the child, where it is relatively safe, to experience the consequences of his actions himself. Did you run fast and fall? - We need to look more carefully at our feet!

At the same time, explain to the child that everyone has failures. Few things work out well the first time, but every person can learn to do what he wants.

Situation 4: The child does not know how to cope with negative emotions

The girl Katya and her mother were returning home from kindergarten. She accidentally slipped on the road, fell and hit herself painfully. After that she started crying. The mother calmed the child down, but all evening Katya was sad and behaved badly, was capricious, and did not obey. She didn’t react to my mother’s comments and took all requests with hostility.

What happened? In our society, there is an opinion that a well-mannered person should not show his anger and bad mood. If a child is capricious, cries and shows disobedience, parents strive to suppress his disobedience as quickly as possible. The methods used for this are very different: threats, shouting, spanking, etc. When a child’s cup of patience is full, the “excess” of anger begins to spill out “in the heat of the moment.” They come out with hysterics, tears, disobedience and bad behavior. This is exactly what happened in the situation described.

What is the right thing to do as an adult? Teach your child to cope with their negative emotions. If your child is feeling angry, allow him to speak out. Give him what he expects from you - attention, sympathy, tenderness and participation. To correct your child’s behavior in society, prepare a “code phrase” in advance. For example, if during a game in kindergarten a child was offended by his peers and he became angry, you can advise him in such situations to step aside and say “I’m angry!” Having calmed down a little, switch your attention to positive emotions and try to do something else. This tactic gives vent to resentment and anger and frees the child from unnecessary worries.

Every time faced with a child’s bad behavior, parents need to look for the “root” of the problem. Watch, see and understand what the baby wants to tell you. Teach him to achieve what he wants using good methods. For example, if a child lacks attention, it is enough to come up and hug his mother. The mother will definitely hug the baby back, kiss and caress him. And the bad mood will immediately go away.

Why do children behave badly?

Yasenskaya Lyudmila Valerievna

teacher-psychologist at the Center for Children's Education and Social Services "Valeotsentr", Tula

Dear parents! Probably, each of us has experienced a feeling of confusion or even helplessness when a child gets out of control and stops obeying? What thoughts come to mind at these moments? In most cases, we either blame the child, thinking about who he is so naughty, we begin to compare him with other children, or we blame ourselves, thinking about what a bad parent I am, that I cannot properly influence my child. In reality, this is far from the case.

We live in the modern world, when the progress of civilization radically changes relationships between people and does not always have a positive impact on family relationships. Gone are the days when “carrot and stick” parenting was the parenting style used in almost all families. At the moment this is not the case. If, with our busyness and loss of family values, we begin to punish our children using physical punishment, then we may turn into guards who, until the child reaches adulthood, fulfill their duties, fulfilling their parental destiny.

And I really want to preserve those warm intra-family relationships that we really need in difficult moments of our lives! When we are young and full of strength, we do not want to work on ourselves and devote, as it seems to us, an incredibly large amount of our precious time to the whims and whims of our children. When we get old and need basic warm communication with loved ones, our children will do the same to us...... and not because they are bad children, but only because when they were little we did not give them the model of relationships with in which each family member tries to support the other, where they listen carefully to the problems of the other, take advice and get out of the conflict situations that occur in each family without offense, without celebrating victory….

When I first read Catherine Qualls' book The Joy of Parenting, I began to apply what it said to my family. And the seeds that this book sowed in my soul and in my consciousness bore their beneficial fruits. Perhaps you are very busy people and have absolutely no time to read this book, slowly, slowly, trying to get to the bottom of it. I tried to reduce the material taken from this book as much as possible and I came up with a very short table, which I present to your attention. With its help, you can diagnose your condition when you have a conflict with a child, understand the reason for “bad behavior” and outline a plan of what can be done to maintain a harmonious parent-child relationship. I would be glad if this information is of interest to psychologists in preschool and school institutions, since the examples presented in the table are relevant for all ages.

While preparing this article, I remembered one proverb that says:“A child is like a chest. What you put down in childhood, you will get out in old age.”

Table of erroneous behavior goals

Based on materials from the book by K. Kvols. The joy of parenting. How to raise children without punishment.