Domestic violence against women. Abuse since childhood. What MPs say about decriminalizing domestic violence

Domestic violence- This is a fairly common phenomenon in almost all corners of the globe. Family tyranny and despotism are observed everywhere, in various social strata and are not determined by the membership of a certain age group of family members, their financial well-being or religion. In addition, domestic violence is not determined by the gender of individuals prone to despoticism and violence, and is equally common both in same-sex couples and in heterogeneous marriages.

- inability to take responsibility for one’s own actions;

- high level of stress caused by economic instability or everyday troubles;

— an irresistible desire to harm a partner (sadism in its “mild” form);

- the presence of a psychopathic personality disorder, characterized by rejection of established social norms, increased impulsiveness, and inability to form one’s attachments.

In addition, government agencies provide very little assistance to victims of domestic violence, which also contributes to the emergence of domestic tyranny directed at women or children.

Among the theories explaining domestic violence against children, there are two main ones.

The first theory includes the characteristics of the society in which violence is found:

— specifics of socio-economic organization;

- unemployment rate;

— poverty of the population;

— the presence of civil wars or local military actions;

- high crime rate;

— weakness of the state’s legislative framework;

— lack of a unified and effective concept for protecting children;

- social attitudes towards tolerance of violence and the belief that physical punishment is an effective educational method.

According to many experts, a specific feature of the Slavic mentality is a tolerant attitude towards cruel treatment and domestic violence.

K. Abulkhanova noted that Christian acceptance of torment and suffering is fundamental to the character of Slavic people. Sacrifice is recognized in today's society as one of the dominant social attitudes. In addition, coercion is often perceived as a sign of attention. As a result, there is resistance to understanding the problem of violent activities against children at the level of attitudes, both broad social and narrow, widespread among specialists. The community as a whole, as well as the majority of social professionals, do not consider abuse and violent acts against a child to be a serious problem requiring urgent action. Because of this, no decisive attempts are made to overcome such behavior.

Domestic violence provokes children into suicide attempts, often successful, alcohol abuse, association with youth groups, vagrancy, etc.

A developed and unified system for protecting children from abuse helps to neutralize many of the listed negative effects. And, conversely, the weakness of this system, the insufficiency of some of its elements, the indifference of society can not only act as a specific cause of cruelty against children, but also further leads to the degeneration of the nation as a whole. In addition, the indifference of society to the existing problem provokes the emergence of a cult of violence among the child population. Today, abuse is a dominant trend in relationships between children and in the interactions of children with the adult environment.

The second theory is related to the specifics of the family and the characteristics of family relationships in which the child grows up.

The modern family today has lost the original functions of love, support and care. Relationships in most families of today's society have been reduced to economic modality. The distortion of family relationships was caused by a rapidly spreading phenomenon called “social orphanhood”, in other words, the lack of help and care from children with living mothers and fathers.

“Little” victims of domestic violence are not able to assimilate the norms of socially positive relationships in communicative interaction with individuals. In the future, they are not able to properly adapt to life or build a family. Children raised in families where tyranny and despotism prevailed often treated their own children cruelly. They easily decide to use violent actions against other individuals. Such kids, driven to extremes of despair and humiliation, are transformed from sacrificial lambs into criminals.

All violence leads to a persistent sense of threat, danger and constant anxiety. Children who have experienced violence feel fear, powerlessness, pain, confusion, and shame. Often, they blame themselves for what happened and feel like accomplices or culprits.

If the father is the tyrant in family relationships, then many children feel the mother’s guilt because, due to fear, they could not trust her. Deep in their souls, some children understand that what is happening is not their fault, but most still believe that forced treatment is due to their behavior or their character. As a result, they are forced to hide everything and constantly remain silent. This, in turn, aggravates the consequences of violence.

Families are often the source of violence:

- with the presence of an incorrect, inadequate style of educational activities and intra-family relationships, psychophysical characteristics or personal capabilities of the child (for example, emotional rejection of the child, inconsistent conflicting relationships between parents);

- an unstable family in which divorce is planned;

- a disorganized, asocial family with regular alcoholism or drug addiction, criminal behavior of older family members, and an immoral lifestyle.

Domestic violence against women

Coercion or violence against the weaker sex refers to individual or collective violent actions committed against women. The main motive for this crime is the gender of the victim.

In accordance with the definition adopted by the UN, violence against women is any violent act committed because of gender, which causes or may cause sexual, physical or psychological harm, suffering to women, and in addition, threats to commit such acts, coercion to which -or, deprivation of liberty of life.

Women are at highest risk of violence from those closest to them and, predominantly, from intimate partners. Women who have been subjected to violent acts undergo profound, often irreversible changes affecting physiology, behavior, cognitive functions and the emotional sphere. In the first turn, women experience a significant decrease in their health, a chronic feeling of shame and guilt appears, fear becomes its constant companion, and the perception of reality is distorted. The victim is characterized by a critically high level of anxiety, the presence of neurotic conditions,.

Also, victims who have survived violent acts exhibit a number of clinical manifestations of personal deformation - signs. Therefore, first of all, helping victims of domestic violence lies in the positive transformation of the environment in which the victim exists.

Domestic violence can take the form of physical violence, but in addition, it often takes the form of verbal and psychological. Often, representatives of the fairer sex who have suffered from violent acts on the part of a partner do not report the incident to anyone, including law enforcement agencies. Therefore, most experts believe that the true scale of the picture is almost impossible to establish. The risk of dying as a result of violent acts on the part of a partner is many times higher for women than for men.

In addition, violence can also occur between women in relationships of a related nature, in particular between a daughter and a mother, in lesbian couples, or in relationships between girls neighboring an apartment or room.

There are a number of signs that allow you to recognize the signs of domestic violence against representatives of the fairer sex and not appear as a victim of domestic violence:

- disregard for the partner’s feelings;

- a man abuses prohibitions;

— husband prohibits using the phone;

- the husband blames the woman for his own mistakes.

Domestic violence assistance is divided into several stages. First, it is necessary to identify the signs of violence that occurred. It often happens that a doctor suspects domestic violence against a patient, but due to certain circumstances she does not want to admit it. Therefore, you need to use a confidential conversation, asking direct questions, to evoke her frankness. If a woman confirms facts of violence, then it is necessary to reassure her that she does not deserve such treatment, that the problem of domestic despotism is quite common, and that the person who carries out violent acts is considered responsible for such behavior.

How to deal with domestic violence? First of all, you shouldn’t be afraid to fight him. It must be understood that it is not only possible to resist violent acts, but it is also extremely necessary in order not to lose oneself as an individual and a person. You should not be afraid, much less ashamed, to contact law enforcement agencies. For a despot spouse, there are three options for liability (administrative, criminal and civil). If there are injuries caused by a tyrant spouse, they should be recorded in a medical institution. In addition to law enforcement agencies, there are also various centers aimed at helping women with domestic violence. Such centers employ competent specialists and experienced psychologists who specialize specifically in providing support to survivors of domestic violence; assistance consists of restoring the psychological state of the victim.

Domestic violence - how to deal with a tyrant

Around the world, thousands of women are subjected to domestic violence every day. Husbands can often do much more harm to a woman's physical health and psychological state than ordinary street thugs. After all, an attack by criminals is a one-time event, and partners mock their spouses methodically, daily bringing them to a sad mental state. However, one should not place the blame for daily abuse entirely on men, because the victim is also to blame for what is happening. Women have a huge reserve of patience; they are focused on preserving the family. At the same time, wives who suffer abuse do not understand that with each passing day the level of danger for them of being under the same roof with a tyrant increases.

How to deal with domestic violence? It must be understood that absolutely all domestic tyrants are afraid of publicity, which could lead to the intervention of others and employees of government agencies. Often, sadistic husbands appear to be such “good boys” in public, but in private they have a blast. That is why you should not hide your misfortune, much less cover up a tyrant. You should inform your spouse's parents, other close people, and friends about violent acts against you. You also need to tell your family about your spouse’s behavior. Psychological support and legal assistance centers provide assistance to women in cases of domestic violence. In addition, it is recommended to write a report against a domestic tyrant to law enforcement agencies. They have enough leverage to intimidate domestic sadists. The most important thing in confronting a man prone to domestic violence is to demonstrate what awaits him if he attempts repeated acts of a violent nature.

Unfortunately, in our country, assistance to victims of domestic violence is much less developed than abroad. Therefore, in order to increase the effectiveness of the assistance system and eradicate the problem of domestic violence, it is advisable to adopt the experience of foreign countries, as well as develop effective programs aimed at creating a system of psychological, legal, medical and social assistance to victims of domestic violence.

Today it becomes obvious that effective social work in the direction of providing assistance and support to people affected by domestic tyrants should be based on the close interweaving of all government services related to solving the social problems of the population.

Domestic violence is dangerous because over time it becomes generalized, when cases of abuse and violent acts are regular and cover different areas of the relationship between the tyrant and the victim. Domestic violence is characterized by a cyclical process.

Rehabilitation assistance to victims of domestic violence is characterized by the presence of certain regulations. What they have in common is their focus on overcoming psychological transformations caused by prolonged exposure to stress, as well as those associated with the destruction of the victim’s personality caused by cruelty.

Research has proven that the following strategies for overcoming post-traumatic stress are the most effective:

- in order to analyze memories of a traumatic situation and deeply comprehend all the circumstances of the trauma, a directed return to memories is used;

- understanding the meaning of a traumatic situation in life, awareness of the style of behavior, decisions made by the individual, and the resulting quality of life.

Most experts believe that the violence experienced must be considered as a traumatic crisis, the consequences of which affect women’s perception of the world, their motivational and emotional spheres, cognitive processes and behavior. Hence, the basis of concepts aimed at studying the consequences of domestic violent acts as a traumatic crisis is the theory that an individual who has survived a crisis situation cannot remain the same. As a result of the events he has suffered, changes must necessarily occur in his personality. Because there can be no “return” from a crisis situation. As a result of a traumatic crisis, representatives of the fairer sex move from one state of self-awareness to another, from one judgment about reality to another. Such a transformation should be considered as transferring new experience, acquiring knowledge about one’s own personality and about the world, which ultimately can be considered overcoming a stage in personal development, subject to a successful exit from the traumatic crisis.

In a word, positive overcoming of the crisis provoked by domestic violence is the road to acquiring a new self-concept and a new concept of reality. This path is quite difficult and often causes natural fear, which consists of the fear of losing oneself, the fear of not being able to withstand the experiences and losing one’s mind. Most women who choose this path require an assistant or guide. Psychologists or social workers can act as a guide. A positive approach helps to effectively overcome the state of crisis provoked by violence. It consists in a woman’s understanding of her own reactions to circumstances, with their further acceptance, in experiencing and formulating her own state, which leads to the integration of the experience gained as a result of suffering violence.

On April 10, a round table was held at the Moscow City Hall“New legislative initiatives to address the problem of domestic violence”, where ways to solve one of the serious problems of our society were discussed. We went to a round table and also asked experts about what domestic violence really is, where it comes from and how to fight it at the public and state levels. In the next article we will talk about what to do if this problem directly affects you or someone you know.

For assistance in preparing the material and consultation, the editors would like to thank the director of the independent charity center for helping survivors of sexual violence “Sisters” Maria Mokhova, specialists from the national center for violence prevention “ANNA” and Natalia Khodyreva, candidate of psychological sciences and founder of the St. Petersburg crisis center for women “INGO”.

Text: Maria Servetnik, Olga Strakhovskaya

What's happened
"domestic violence"?

There are several options for naming the problem: “domestic violence”, “family” or “partner violence”. The phrase itself implies that this violence occurs between people in a personal relationship - spouses or partners, sometimes ex-partners and not necessarily living together, regardless of whether the couple is heterosexual or homosexual. It is very important to distinguish between family conflict, which is one-time in nature, and partner violence - regularly recurring or increasing incidents that follow a certain pattern.

A conflict, no matter how acute it may be, moves into the category of domestic violence only when it occurs in the same way at least twice. The fundamental difference is that family conflict is local, isolated and arises from a specific problem, which is theoretically possible to resolve, for example, with the help of a psychologist or lawyer. Simply put, conflict has a beginning and an end. Partner violence is a system of behavior of one family member towards another, which is based on power and control. It has no specific reason, other than the fact that one of the partners seeks to control the behavior and feelings of the other and suppress him as a person on different levels.

What types of home
Does violence exist?

Domestic violence in society is generally understood to be primarily physical violence, aka assault. Indeed, this is one of the most common types of domestic violence: according to the ANNA crisis center, every third Russian woman is beaten by her husband or partner. Physical violence includes not only beatings, but also restraint, strangulation, infliction of burns and other methods of causing bodily harm, including murder. However, there are other types of domestic violence: sexual, psychological and economic.

Sexual Domestic violence is coercion into sexual activity through force, blackmail or threats. According to studies conducted in Russia in 1996 and 2000, approximately every fourth Russian woman is forced by her husband to have sexual relations against their will. This is directly related to the idea of ​​sex as a “marital duty” that a woman must perform regardless of her desire, and the general idea of ​​the dynamics of sexual relationships in which the woman “gives” and the man “takes.” Psychological violence is systematic insults, blackmail, threats, manipulation. A subset of this is violence involving children, ranging from using children as hostages to threatening to harm children if a partner does not comply. Economic- this is the deprivation of one of the partners of financial freedom, from concealing income to situations in which one partner completely takes the salary of the other and does not allow him to participate in financial decisions. The problem is that physical or sexual violence can be proven and are crimes, but economic and psychological violence are not. It is not uncommon for one partner to use all types of violence at the same time.

Why is it considered
what about domestic violence?
Are women mostly affected?

The types of violence that can be identified (i.e., physical and sexual) mainly affect women. According to statistics from the Ministry of Internal Affairs for 2013, women make up 91.6% of victims of violent crimes against their spouse. “Among the victims of violence from spouses or partners, the number of women exceeds the number of men by approximately 9 times. Women suffer 8 times more serious bodily and other injuries from their partners than men. Male violence most often has a practical purpose or an expressive one (expression of emotions). Women are more likely to resort to physical violence when they feel backed into a corner and are desperate to prevent further abuse. It is extremely rare that violence from women is systematic, purposeful, and constant,” explains Natalia Khodyreva.

On the other hand, women are more prone to methods of emotional and economic violence. For example, a wife may strive to control all spending in the family and systematically humiliate her husband because of low earnings. However, a woman can also be a physical aggressor, for example, towards children. A hierarchy of power may arise in the family, where the man is the strongest, abuses power and uses violence, and women, in turn, use it against children.

Is there a connection between
domestic violence and financial
and the social level of the family?

There is an opinion that only dysfunctional families are susceptible to domestic violence, while wealthy and educated couples do not have this problem. This is wrong. According to data conducted by the Moscow State University Women's Council, 61.6% of dysfunctional families and 38.4% of prosperous families face domestic violence. At the same time, in families with low income and a low level of education, problems are more often associated with alcoholism and the use of physical violence. In families with a high level of education but low income, economic and psychological violence (sophisticated psychological manipulation and so on) is more developed. Domestic violence in high-income families is most often physical and sexual.

The point is also that in dysfunctional families the problem of violence is more noticeable, since these families may be visited by social workers or guardianship, for example, because of the child’s behavior. Domestic homicides of a partner also occur more often in marginalized families, for which the “drinking - quarreling - knife” pattern is eerily typical. Similar stories penetrate the press and become material for reporting, with photographs, names, and private stories. It is impossible to get into the “status” layers in this way: until it comes to brutal reprisals or murder, no one suspects anything.

What are the reasons
domestic violence?

The main and most dangerous misconception that exists in society regarding the problem of domestic violence is that the reason lies in the actions of the injured partner, and that the rapist was “provoked.” This automatically raises the erroneous question “for what?” and the tendency to seek justification for the aggressor. It is necessary to remember that there is no and cannot be a behavioral reason for systematic violence - only the rapist’s tendency to aggression and the manifestation of his power over his partner is to blame.

This tendency directly depends on upbringing and the pattern of family relationships that a person “inherited” by observing the relationships of his parents, as well as on the attitudes that prevail in society as a whole, and in particular in the environment of the couple. For example, the likelihood of domestic violence increases if a woman and her friends prefer not to discuss the topic of violence or seek help, and if the husband and his friends do not condemn the use of force. The problem is rooted both in the taboo nature of the topic of domestic violence and in the patriarchal nature of Russian culture, enshrined even at the level of “folk wisdom” and traditional values: “A man is the head of everything,” “Let a wife fear her husband.” The family economy is also structured in such a way that with the birth of children, a woman often falls into a state of dependence on who brings money into the house.

“The idea that a woman “gets into trouble” is, unfortunately, common among many of my psychologist colleagues,” notes Natalia Khodyreva. According to her, Russian society is characterized by a militaristic consciousness - it is believed that any disobedience must be punished with physical punishment or shouting. Therefore, rapists are not inclined to see problems in their behavior.

How is domestic violence different?
from anyone else and why does this problem need a special approach?

First, in cases of domestic violence, the injured partner is in constant contact with the abuser and is often economically dependent on him. You don’t have to see the person who hit you on the street every day and sleep in the same room. In a situation of domestic violence, victims often do not have the opportunity to find housing, and constantly communicating with the abuser means being subjected to violence again. Women in unhealthy relationships are also put under pressure by social stereotypes that prevent them from breaking off relations with the rapist: “children need a father,” “don’t destroy the family.” Another dangerous misconception that follows from the tradition of blaming the victim is the illusion that if a woman or man behaves “better” and finds an approach to their partner, then the violence against them will stop.

There are also psychological factors - after a long relationship with constant pressure, threats, often beatings, everyday Stockholm syndrome develops. As a psychological defense, the victim begins to believe that the aggressor will take pity if he unconditionally fulfills his demands, and tries to justify his actions by building an emotional connection with him.

How is the problem of domestic violence
Is it decided at the legislative level?

Unfortunately, at the moment there is no special law on domestic violence in Russia. Most often, articles of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation are applied to situations of domestic violence: 111 (“Intentional infliction of grievous harm to health”), 112 (“Intentional infliction of moderate harm to health”), 115 (“Intentional infliction of slight harm to health”) 116 (“Battery”) and 119 (“Threat of killing or causing grievous bodily harm”). According to a study conducted by the ANNA Center, under current legislation it is very difficult to prove cases of domestic violence, even physical violence. The problem is compounded by the fact that victims are often not interested in bringing a case against their partner, especially if they feel that there is still an opportunity to save the family. People call the police because they want to stop the violence “in the moment,” in the hope that it will never happen again.

But even if the injured partner is ready to follow through, obstacles arise. Cases under Articles 115 and 116 relate to cases of private prosecution, that is, criminal prosecution is initiated not by the prosecutor on behalf of the state, but by the victim herself or her representatives. “The victim must act as the prosecution herself - collect evidence, order an examination, collect testimony from witnesses, and so on. Meanwhile, in reality, a woman is often unable to even submit an application without the support of a lawyer - it is not accepted the first time. And if the case comes to court, they try to reconcile her with the rapist, and instead of protection, the woman receives a new circle of violence,” noted Alexey Parshin, a lawyer at the Moscow Bar Association and a member of the working group for the development of the bill “On the prevention and prevention of domestic violence.” , at a round table dedicated to discussing the bill.

In addition, in Russian legislation there is no concept of a protective order - a court order that prohibits or limits the contact of the rapist with the victim. It turns out that a person who has been subjected to domestic violence is most likely defenseless on all sides.

What do they do
crisis centers?

Victims need psychological rehabilitation programs, social housing, protection programs in case of high risks of death threats, compensation for damage, programs for children who witness domestic violence. Now in Russia there are state and non-profit organizations involved in helping victims of domestic violence, but there are very few of them - of all social institutions, less than 0.5% deal with this problem. At the same time, social institutions are being “optimized,” shelters and emergency telephone lines are being closed. Most government agencies can only provide assistance to people who have registration in the desired city or region, while victims without registration are more likely to have nowhere to go. You can get to the hospital of the Moscow “Crisis Center for Assistance to Women and Children” only with a referral from social protection. As a result, victims find themselves without state protection at the most difficult moment - immediately after an act of violence. In this situation, you can apply for asylum only to non-state crisis centers.

For men, who are most often the initiators of violence, there are preventive programs around the world. Within their framework, boys and young men are explained what consent to sexual contact is, respect for women and girls, what actions are violent and why. Psychocorrection courses are conducted for adult male aggressors. In Russia there is only one such course - the voluntary program “Alternative to Violence”, which is conducted by “Men of the 21st Century”.

How to improve
situation in Russia?

This is a long-term systematic work, which includes both the introduction of the relevant law and its implementation, as well as the education of specialists and the entire society. Work is needed to improve the quality of life, aimed at the safety and health of citizens. It is important to remove the taboo from the very topic of domestic violence, to explain to victims that they are not to blame and should not be ashamed of being bullied. Publicity will help gradually change public opinion, which is especially important in a situation where the legal system is unable to adequately respond to cases of domestic violence.

At the moment, a bill on the prevention of domestic violence has been developed, which is being considered by the Russian government. It involves the transfer of all private prosecution cases to private-public prosecution, the introduction of preventive registration, preventive conversations, protective orders and judicial protective orders, as well as specialized programs for both survivors of violence and rapists. The offender, in particular, will be asked to leave the place of joint residence, regardless of who owns it, to transfer personal belongings and property to the injured partner if they were withheld, and to pay the costs of treatment, counseling and housing if the victim moves out.

The bill does not propose any separate special punishment for domestic abusers - all liability is provided in accordance with the articles, for example, on causing bodily harm. It is fundamentally important that this bill empowers local police officers to respond to and record all cases of domestic violence in their area, as well as conduct preventive conversations with the abuser after the first signal of violence. It must be brought to the attention of the rapist that after the second signal administrative liability will begin, and after the third he will be considered a repeat offender. As Maria Mokhova emphasizes, the state is obliged to bring to the attention of its citizens that this is not “my wife: I want to love, I want to kill,” but this is a person and a member of society and using violence against him is prohibited and punishable.

What is the situation
in other countries?

Currently, 89 states have some kind of legislative provisions directly aimed at combating domestic violence, and a number of countries (USA, Australia) also have special articles relating to marital rape. Some States have passed comprehensive laws on violence against women, providing a range of legal protections. Some former Soviet republics - Ukraine, Kyrgyzstan, Moldova, Georgia - have also already adopted laws aimed at combating domestic violence.

In the United States, where the system for combating and preventing domestic violence is highly developed, approximately three thousand women die a year. In Russia, this figure is three to four times higher, despite the fact that Russia’s population is half as large. International legal practice is to be guided primarily by the nature of the acts of violence, rather than by the relationship between the perpetrator and the victim. Moreover, domestic violence from the husband poses a serious threat to the life and health of a woman, since she is often forced to live with him even after a divorce or during the investigation.

The main elements of assistance to those faced with domestic violence, which are absent or poorly developed in Russia, but are actively used and developed in the world: protective orders, crisis and rehabilitation centers and social shelters in which survivors of violence can spend the night and get food. In a number of countries, unlike Russia, there is also a mechanism of a protective order, when the warring parties first of all separate from each other in order to save people’s lives. In our country, on the contrary, there is a practice of reconciling the parties in court. As Maria Mokhova notes, “in Russia, on average, they break away from the rapist seven times - they leave and return. It can take longer."

Domestic violence in the family is a very hot topic today. Intimate partner humiliation is a picture of intentionally controlled behavior. Psychological and physical dominance is used by a person against a family member or intimate partner to gain and maintain power and control over that person. Domestic violence in the family can be not only physical and sexual in nature, but also psychological.

The abuser uses manipulation in their behavior, including:

1. intimidation;
2. threats;
3. psychological isolation (silence and ignoring) in order to coerce and control another person.

This behavior may not occur every day, but may remain hidden and be an ongoing factor in “terrorism.”

Psychological violence against a woman in the family

Psychological abuse means intense and repeated humiliation of a person as an individual. First of all, this happens due to complete isolation and control over the actions or behavior of a woman (or other family members) through intimidation or manipulation. Approximately 1 in 4 women experience violence from their partners.

Such situations “destroy the house” and a person’s life. No one deserves to be humiliated mentally and physically. Responsibility for such behavior belongs to the offender. It's not the victim's fault!

Women who experience physical violence are often isolated. Their partners tend to control their entire life to a large extent and also make it worse. Listed below are some of the warning signs of domestic violence. See if these situations include those that are happening in your life and your family.

Signs of Domestic Violence

1. Physical and sexual violence. Hair pulling or biting; pushing or suffocating; kicks or punches to the head; punching and using weapons as threats; forced sexual intercourse and unwanted sexual touching in public or in private; deprivation of food and sleep.
2. Emotional Abuse. Harassment in public or private; suppression of friends and family; insult (what makes a person think he is crazy); creating a feeling of guilt using “Male Privilege” over a woman; behavior of a family member as the “Owner of the Castle”, and all members of the household are servants.
3. Economic violence. A ban on work and the ability to work and earn your own money (thereby forcing a woman to ask her partner for money); take money, if any; do not give women access to family income; not giving a say in important financial decisions or demanding exclusive control over household finances.
4. Coercion and threats.Creating a deliberate threat to do something that will cause pain; constant threats of divorce and threats to commit suicide; being forced to do illegal things.
5. Intimidation. Forcing a woman to be afraid (of children or other household members) through looks, gestures or actions; throwing and damaging things; causing damage to property (house, apartment); abuse of domestic animals; dangerous driving; demonstration of weapons (as an intimidating factor).
6. Use of children. During conflicts, children are involved or children serve as a “bridge” for communication (there is no direct communication between parents, only through children); threats to take away children and the inability to see them in the future.
7. Isolation. Control over what a woman does: who she sees, what she reads, where she goes, who she goes with; driving ban; ban on employment (getting a job); ban on free use of the telephone.
8. Using jealousy and guilt to justify actions. Constant accusations of unfounded betrayal, thereby hiding behind the fact that the partner was worried and afraid in order to make him feel guilty, but in fact this only strengthens the position of the “domestic terran”.

There is an exit

The danger is real. If you are in a situation where you are being humiliated (physically and emotionally), do not ignore the situation. Domestic violence in the family is not the result of tension, anger, drugs or alcohol (but even these moments are not a reason).

The offender will “always keep” this pattern of behavior, he has learned this and will always use it perfectly, even after he asks for forgiveness once again, and you will believe and say: “That was the last time I forgave you.”

But the worst thing is that this “last time” will be repeated again and again, because your offender is already an excellent manipulator who has learned to dominate and intimidate. Such relationships are destructive and dangerous.

Offended and humiliated partners are afraid to communicate their feelings to anyone, perhaps someone is ashamed to admit it, and someone is simply afraid to do it. Some women feel fear because they are financially dependent on their partner.

How will they be able to take care of themselves and their children? Many women, it seems to them, simply have nowhere else to go. Abusers tend to isolate their victims, limiting all livelihoods and freedom. And most women continue to live in this madness, thinking that everything will work out.

Before you open the door to the future, you must close the door to the past.

No one will make this decision for you, they can only help you (social security agencies, law enforcement agencies, social services), but you make the decision. Don’t be silent about your trouble, you can’t be silent, otherwise at one moment everything can end very badly for you and your children.

Now there are many social services and helplines where you can turn for help and protection. There are even special shelters for women. If you are from a small town where there are no social security services, then dial the helpline number and they will help you find a way out. Just don’t think now, reading these lines, that no one will help me. You cannot help a person who does not ask for help.

Domestic violence in the family is a very difficult situation, and the fact that you need to leave such a “sick” family and take the children (if you have any) is, of course, the right step. This will be very difficult and difficult to do, because women in such families are emotionally depressed and psychologically weak. But it is important to remember one thing, until you close the door behind you, the next door will never open in front of you.

(editor's note)

Domestic violence– these are regularly repeated acts of physical, mental, economic, sexual and other influence aimed at suppressing the will of another person and acquiring total control over him. Many people live in families where such relationships exist. And in such families, instead of trust, love, security and partnership, control, power, anxiety and violence dominate.

Often, when they talk about domestic violence, they imagine terrible pictures of beaten, raped women, beaten children and a cruel tyrant man. The media presents the problem of domestic violence with the help of images, often grotesque and stereotypical, such as alcoholic husbands, pathologically jealous traditionally oriented, religious men. In reality, this often turns out not to be the case. If only because the rapist can be not only a man, but also a woman and a child. This is described in more detail in this material. To use a metaphor, a rapist is more like a gothic vampire creeping up on a victim from the darkness than a brutal aggressive monster destroying everything around him.

In our culture, the word “violence” often denotes extreme manifestations of this phenomenon: brutal physical violence, beating, rape, murder. It is important to understand that quite often domestic violence does not manifest itself in such extremes. Much more often this happens in the form of “light” physical violence such as slaps, kicks, pinches, and so-called abuse: harassment (not only of a sexual nature), humiliation, insults, ignoring and devaluation.

Abuse, literally meaning “abuse,” allows us to more accurately reflect the essence of domestic violence. The term “abuse” emphasizes that the main purpose of violence is power over the victim, control of the partner. English-language resources devoted to the problem of domestic violence use the phrase “domestic violence & abuse” to refer to family violence. This division allows us to distinguish between abuse and violence in general, and to assess the terrible consequences of different forms of violence.

Factors of occurrence

The patriarchal structure and its consequence is a tolerant attitude towards the use of physical violence in family and other relationships.

Social factors include belonging to criminalized or disadvantaged sections of society, alcoholism or addiction to psychoactive substances.

Economic factors are the victim’s financial dependence on a man, discrimination against women in the labor sphere.

Legal factors include the absence of a law on protection from domestic violence, its recent decriminalization, low level of legal literacy, and traditional ignorance of the problem on the part of law enforcement officials and the judicial system. In 2016, beatings ceased to be considered a criminal offense in Russia, except for beatings against close relatives, motivated by hatred and hooliganism. And at the beginning of 2017, beatings in the family were removed from the Criminal Code. The State Duma explained this by caring for strong families. And already in the spring of 2018, the Chairman of the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation, Alexander Bastrykin, speaking at a congress of commissioners for children’s rights, announced an increase in cases of domestic violence due to the decriminalization of this type of offense last year.

Domestic violence often appears in families where one person shows hyperprotection towards another under the guise of care. Such manifestations of overprotection as increased attention, control and protection from imaginary dangers, mistrust, harsh criticism, underestimation of abilities, orders, ignoring and emotional manipulation (resentment and blackmail) are emotional abuse. It is important that this can happen both between adult family members and in families with children. Parental overprotection is described much better than partner overprotection. In fact, overprotection is now called caring for a partner or a child, although this is not at all the same thing. In fact, overprotection is a form of abuse.

Signs of Domestic Violence

1. Intentionality or awareness of the rapist’s own actions. This means that the rapist understands that he is committing violence in any case. There are extremely rare cases when the rapist has a psychiatric illness, but they will not be considered in this material.

2. The root of such violence is the desire for control. And there may be variations here:

• The rapist wants to dominate, set rules, control all aspects of family life, have unlimited influence, punish, control thoughts, actions, feelings;
• The rapist finds himself in situations where he feels helpless and impotent, which produces anger and aggression in him, and, not having the skills to deal with feelings otherwise, commits violence, forcing the victim to do what the rapist wants.

4. Alcoholism or substance dependence of one of the family members significantly increases the risk of violence.

5. Strength growing over time, the emergence of new methods and the inclusion of new types of violence. That is, sexual coercion can be added to physical violence, or physical coercion to emotional violence;

6. The cyclical nature of violence.

7. Severe physical and emotional consequences for the victim.

8. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures, countries of the world, family composition, and does not depend on the sexuality of the partners: domestic violence occurs in both LGBT families and heterosexual families.

It is important to distinguish quarrels and conflicts in the family from violence. In conflict situations, the conflicting parties are in a relatively equal position, although the conflict may be accompanied by violent emotions, screaming, etc. Domestic violence differs from conflict primarily in that there is no equality in it - the rapist always seeks to suppress the victim. The second important difference is that domestic violence is always systemic and always cyclical.

The cycle of domestic violence

1. Violent act: actually committing violence.

2. Reconciliation: The perpetrator apologizes, explains the reason for the cruelty, shifts the blame to the victim, sometimes denies what happened or convinces the victim of exaggerating the events. At this time, the rapist seeks to show his sense of guilt, and, like any guilty person, he himself seeks punishment or atonement. Having received it, the feeling of guilt passes, and the next stage begins.

3. Calm period, also called the “honeymoon”: This is a rather difficult stage. After the manifestation of cruelty and violence, the offender can turn into a caring, loyal, charming and kind person, becoming the way the victim fell in love with him. The rapist can perform a variety of romantic bribery actions: inviting you to a restaurant or giving expensive gifts. This behavior is designed to maintain a “normal” relationship. The goal of this stage is to keep the victim in the family and maintain the appearance of well-being. This period can last from several hours to several years.

4. Provocation or escalation of tension: the rapist creates situations where the victim finds himself in a position where the rapist can commit violence by blaming the victim. During this period, victims are very attentive, trying to predict every step and its consequences. This is a very difficult period, and it can last a long time.

5. New act of violence.

Types of domestic violence

1. Deliberate violence.

A planned, deliberate act of violence with the goal of gaining total control over the victim and a feeling of satisfaction with control.

The rapist consciously commits violent acts, because as a result he will gain the desired control over the victim. Usually by this point the rapist is convinced that the victim is already sufficiently dependent on him, and it doesn’t matter what kind of dependence it is: emotional, financial, sexual, territorial or legal. The fact is that awareness of a dominant position “unties” the hands of the rapist, and in his mind he can do whatever he wants with the victim, because she is dependent, and he is the master.

2. Unintentional violence.

A spontaneous, poorly controlled, but conscious act of violence in order to gain control over the situation and relieve high situational anxiety. The rapist tries, through a violent act, to cope with a difficult situation and emotions, for example, high anxiety through violence against the victim. This form of violence differs from ordinary domestic violence in that it is not cyclical and intensifies over time. However, it becomes possible precisely in close relationships, where boundaries are not so well constructed and there is dependence.

Forms of domestic violence

This form of violence is even more common than physical violence and is almost always accompanied by physical violence. Psychological violence is difficult to diagnose and even more difficult to prove in court. While all other forms of violence are easily identified because they have clear physical consequences, clear signs of psychological impact are rarely visible, and the consequences can be extremely severe.

The breadth and sophistication of forms of psychological violence makes their classification much more difficult. In addition, psychological violence quite often occurs not on its own, but together with other types of violence. This can include offensive remarks (which are often called criticism), caustic jokes, especially and often public, any actions and statements, or, conversely, inaction that degrades the dignity of the victim. Various kinds of prohibitions (especially for relationships between adults), for example, meeting with friends, relatives, visiting certain places, a ban on working or studying. Manipulation, threats, shifting one's responsibility onto the victim, instilling feelings of guilt. Demonstration of one's strength, without physical force, but a warning about this possibility. This also includes humiliation and belittling of importance, devaluing the partner’s achievements. Emotional abuse is dangerous because it is difficult to prove, because it leaves no visible marks on the body.

A separate form of emotional abuse is gaslighting: The origin of this name is connected with the film Gaslight (Gaslight, directed by George Cukor, 1944). It brilliantly shows how one person can cast doubt on the adequacy of another and almost drive him crazy, constantly not confirming the reality of surrounding events. Thus, gaslighting is defined as a form of psychological abuse in which denial of reality plays a major role. In everyday life, gaslighting can take different forms, for example:

• Denial of facts: “What’s wrong with you, I never said this,” “it all seems to you,” “you made it up, / you’re making it up.”
• Denial of emotions “You think you’re in a bad mood, but you’re not,” “You can’t be angry/offended at me”
• Emphasizing the inadequacy of perception, devaluing the partner, references to the emotional state and possible mental illness: “Listen, something strange has happened to you lately, it all started the same way for your grandfather,” “It’s not your fatigue, but your depression is starting again.” ".

Gaslighters can be: parents who deny the facts of physical or emotional abuse of a child; relatives blaming the incest victim for madness: a husband who considers any tears and dissatisfaction of his wife to be manifestations of cyclical processes in the female body or depression and brushes aside discussions of conflict situations; a wife who considers her husband’s fatigue and apathy to be everyday laziness, and does not want to listen to him.

2. Physical violence.

This is direct or indirect influence on the victim with the aim of causing physical harm, such as: mutilation, grievous bodily harm, beatings, kicks, slaps, pushes, slaps, throwing objects, etc. Corporal punishment in the family is one of the forms of domestic violence. Physical violence includes evasion of first aid, sleep deprivation, deprivation of the ability to perform vital functions (for example, denial of shower and toilet), and involvement in the use of alcohol and drugs against the victim’s wishes. Causing physical harm to other family members and animals for the purpose of psychological impact on the victim is defined as an indirect form of physical violence.

3. Sexual violence.

This is a type of physical violence. This is not only “rape”, that is, committing sexual intercourse despite the obvious refusal of the other partner, usually accompanied by physical violence. This is any forced sexual act or exploitation of another person's sexuality. That is, persuasion after refusal, harassment, blackmail, cajoling, bribery, etc.

In Russia, as in many other countries of the world, marriage is often regarded as giving men the unconditional right to have sexual relations with their spouse and to use force if she does not want to engage in sexual contact.

Forcing sex under the guise of marital duty is also sexual violence, since there is no marital duty. Sex in a healthy relationship always occurs by mutual consent, expressed by both people, and brings pleasure, enjoyment and joy from intimacy with a partner.

There has been a proven connection between sexual violence and unwanted pregnancies (due to the lack of access to contraception), teenage pregnancies, and an increased risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS.

Rape is the most brutal form of sexual violence. Consequences of rape include unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS. However, victims often do not report rape for fear of social stigma. According to statistics from the Sisters center, only 10-12% of victims of sexual violence in Russia contact the police, and only one in five of them have law enforcement agencies accept a statement. Only 2.9% of criminal cases reach the court.

4. Parental sexual abuse of children and incestuous relationships are a separate category of sexual violence:

Forms of sexual violence include asking or forcing sexual activity (regardless of the outcome), exposure of genitals, exposure to pornography, sexual contact, physical contact with genitals, looking at genitals without physical contact, and using a partner to produce pornography.

Consequences of sexual violence:

• Feelings of guilt, self-blame;
• Flashbacks (sudden, intense, repeated experiences of a violent experience);
• Nightmares;
• Insomnia, fears associated with memories of violence (including fears of objects, smells, places, doctor visits, etc.);
• Self-esteem problems;
• Sexual disorders;
• Chronic pain;
• Chemical dependencies;
• Self-harm;
• Suicidal thoughts and suicide;
• Somatic disorders, depression;
• Post-traumatic stress disorder;
• High anxiety and anxiety disorder;
• Other mental disorders (including borderline personality disorder and dissociative identity disorder, bulimia).

This is control over the financial and other resources of the family, allocating money to the victim for “maintenance”, extortion, coercion to extort. This also includes prohibition of education and/or employment, and deliberate misappropriation of family funds in order to create tension. When one of the partners himself refuses to work, this is also a form of economic violence. In this case, he forces the other to work for two or interferes with his work because of his own complexes.

6. Technological violence.

Total control by the rapist of all equipment with which the victim interacts. Monitoring social networks, correspondence, phone calls, email, logging in/out of accounts, tracking time spent communicating with technology. “Why did you leave your VKontakte account?! What do you have to hide from me?!”, “Delete your ex-friends/phone book.” All of this is violence and ways of suppressing and controlling the victim.

7. Territorial violence and restriction of social contacts.

These are strict prohibitions and restrictions on movement and stay in certain places, failure to comply with which results in severe punishment, physical and emotional violence. Prohibiting a partner from meeting certain people, friends, relatives. There are cases when not only meetings are prohibited, but also mentions of certain people. Prohibition of being in certain places in the house. Punishing a child for disobedience by banning him from going out is also violence.

Peculiarities of perception of domestic violence

Read the following example:

In a family, only one person works for the family members. Thus, the rest of the family members become economically and geographically dependent on the one who works. This gives rise to thoughts and judgments in the rapist that since he/she earns money and provides for the family, then he/she has the right to dictate to the victims how to live. Therefore, the rapist considers it possible to humiliate or insult, to point out the worthlessness of the victims because of the smallest everyday situations, such as dishes not being washed or dinner not being prepared on time. And in the case of more serious “misconducts” of the victim, for example, talking with those with whom one should not, or doing household chores incorrectly and poorly, the rapist has the right to “put a hand”, that is, to beat the victim.

Notice that the word "rapist" is in bold and the word "victim" is in italics. This is for your convenience. And now:

1. Replace the word “rapist” with “man”, and the word “victim” with “woman”.
2. Replace the word "rapist" with "woman" and the word "victim" with "man"
3. Replace the word "rapist" with "husband" and the word "victim" with "wife"
4. Replace the word "rapist" with "wife" and the word "victim" with "husband"
5. Replace the word "rapist" with "man" and the word "victim" with "son"
6. Replace the word "rapist" with "man" and the word "victim" with "daughter"
7. Replace the word "rapist" with "woman" and the word "victim" with "son"
8. Replace the word "rapist" with "woman" and the word "victim" with "daughter"
9. Replace the word "rapist" with "mother" and the word "victim" with "child"
10. Replace the word "rapist" with "father" and the word "victim" with "child"
11. Replace the word "rapist" with "father" and the word "victim" with "son"
12. Replace the word "rapist" with "father" and the word "victim" with "daughter"
13. Replace the word "rapist" with "mother" and the word "victim" with "son"
14. Replace the word "rapist" with "mother" and the word "victim" with "daughter"
15. Replace the word "rapist" with "child" and the word "victim" with "father"
16. Replace the word "rapist" with "child" and the word "victim" with "mother"
17. Replace the word "rapist" with "child" and the word "victim" with "parent"
18. Replace the word "rapist" with "son" and the word "victim" with "mother"
19. Replace the word "rapist" with "son" and the word "victim" with "father"
20. Replace the word "rapist" with "daughter" and the word "victim" with "father"
21. Replace the word "rapist" with "daughter" and the word "victim" with "mother"

Try to feel how your attitude towards this situation changes and changes when, instead of an abstract rapist, you imagine someone more concrete. What emotions do you have, do you want to justify someone or intercede? Do you have difficulty imagining certain situations? Pay special attention to whether your emotions and beliefs change when the abuser is a woman, mother or daughter. And when a daughter commits violence against her mother?

Today she didn’t add enough salt to the soup, yesterday she put on bright lipstick, and last month she was late at work for two hours... Even if you follow all orders, stop communicating with girlfriends, parents and glide around the apartment as a pale shadow, this woman cannot avoid domestic violence.
What is this - a bad character of a husband? Unlucky fate? The cause of violence lies in the internal psychological states of the husband and the woman herself.

Concrete cubes of high-rise buildings reflect coldly with glass, protecting privacy. Each cube of apartments has its own secret. Domestic violence against women is almost a taboo topic. Women try not to advertise such relationships, children are afraid to talk about it...

Violence is a reflection of the swamp of the soul

Domestic violence is as familiar to this woman as borscht for lunch, but it is always shocking and scary, just like the first time her beloved husband raised his hand to her.

Today she didn’t add salt to the soup, yesterday she put on bright lipstick, and last month she was late at work for two hours. The list of unacceptable actions increases, psychological pressure increases. Even if you follow all orders, stop communicating with girlfriends, parents and glide around the apartment as a pale shadow, this woman cannot avoid domestic violence.

What is this - a bad character of a husband? Unlucky fate? The cause of violence lies in the internal psychological states of the husband and the woman herself.

Not every woman experiences domestic violence. This tragic scenario develops only if each partner has certain properties given by nature.

Causes of domestic violence - an unsuccessful wife or a bad husband?

She married Dr. Jekyll, but is regularly abused by Mr. Hyde. The children fearfully await their father's return every day. The lessons have been learned perfectly, there is not a speck of dust in the house, the soup recipe has been rechecked with all care. But then late at night a stern husband and father enters, the reason for discontent has been found, and again there is no protection and nowhere to hide from his heavy hand.

Every person is created on the principle of pleasure. He applies his properties and receives joy and satisfaction from it. But when innate properties do not find realization, voids arise, so-called frustrations, and a person feels unhappy. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains what the peculiarities of the manifestation of frustrations in each person are associated with.