An affair with a married man. Is it worth starting? Should you have an affair with a married man? Advice from professional psychologists

Is it possible to organize a personal life without interrupting work? There are two opposing opinions on this matter. Some ardently support office romances, while others condemn them no less vehemently. A third opinion can also be distinguished - the opinion of those who have visited both there and here. These are either those who tried to mix work with amorous affairs and were bitterly disappointed, or vice versa - they kept themselves in check for a long time, but for some reason changed their minds.

Looking ahead, and in general immediately destroying the intrigue, we can say that, by and large, both of them are right (we’ll leave the third with their hesitations). An affair with a work colleague has its advantages and disadvantages. Let's start with the delights.

First of all, it is convenient. You don't have to go far to find the object of your desire. Time is saved that could have been spent on dating sites or in separation from the object of adoration. Money is also saved - there is no need to spend money on “first dates”, which are usually designed to demonstrate the generosity of a man and the unearthly beauty of a woman, but many girls spend almost a fortune in a beauty salon to amaze a man at the first meeting.

Those who prefer connections at work may have an additional incentive to go to that same job. Plus - regular care of your appearance and the desire to distinguish yourself in the performance of official duties, thereby increasing your rating in the eyes of your favorite colleague, and at the same time your superiors.

And, of course, colleagues usually have more common topics for conversation than other couples.

When planning your leap into the corporate pool, it's important to remember that many organizations have internal rules prohibiting romance in the workplace. And there is a risk that in order to continue the relationship that suddenly turned out to be serious, you will have to quit.

But having an affair with a colleague also has its downsides.

The work team is usually very reminiscent of a village - everyone knows everything about everyone. And someone who doesn’t like gossip about himself is unlikely to want to give up his personal and intimate things to be torn to pieces. By the way, such rumors can harm not only peace of mind, but also career advancement.

In the event that the connection turns out to be unsuccessful and the relationship fizzles out, the former couple will still have to constantly cross paths at work. Firstly, it can be simply painful to see a person with whom it was so good just recently, and now this is a completely stranger man/woman. Secondly, the offended party can damage their career and simply their relationship with the team by spreading rumors.

In the case of personal relationships that arise between employees of different status, you can receive accusations from colleagues of using their official position. This will add a fly in the ointment to the barrel of other undeniable advantages of such a novel for one of the parties.

Sociological surveys show that about a third of Russians consider it possible to mix work and personal life. At the same time, only a quarter of the respondents described their relationships as having a serious connotation.

Summarizing the above, we can draw conclusions: everyone chooses for themselves what is more convenient for them. And therefore, when an activity that provides a livelihood and a person with whom you want to share this existence are on the scales, one thing is important - the ability to make the right choice.

Sergey, 28 years old, top manager

“I liked Rita for a long time and, thanks to the corporate event, I managed to get close to her. We started a relationship. But then something went wrong. She started avoiding me. At work, in front of the team, she asked me to communicate with her as before. In general, don’t allow yourself too much. She didn’t answer my frequent calls, and one day she sent a text message: “Leave me alone. We will not be together". I could no longer work normally. I began to have a mania, it seemed that Rita was flirting with all the men around me to spite me. In general, I quit, or rather, I simply stopped going to work.”

2. You may have problems with your boss.

Alexander, 33 years old, bartender

“I got to know Vika closely two weeks after she joined our company. I was young and carefree. We started dating. Our meetings in bars and restaurants demanded continuation. Vicky had the keys to the director's office. In it. But one day the director came to work early. Entering the office, the first thing he saw was my back and Vika’s face... Burning with shame, we left the crime scene. He fired us both without hesitation. After my dismissal, I stopped dating Vika. The work was good and close to home, but because of Vicky I was fired.”

3. Nothing will probably come of this relationship.

Kirill, 25 years old, sales representative

“In the company I worked for at that time, in principle, there were a lot of young and pretty girls. There was no desire to enter into a love relationship with any of them. There was one girl... Due to work, we often had to leave the office together. And so, step by step, the relationship began. At first everything was easy. But then I started to get tired of this relationship. We were together almost 24 hours a day, she knew everything about me. I was constantly under fire. The same face both at work and after. I was not in the mood for a serious relationship... We broke up when enough quarrels and resentments had accumulated. It was not easy to continue working together. There was some kind of tension all the time. I will never repeat this again.”

4. You may lose your job.

Georgiy, 30 years old, entrepreneur

“At that time I had big problems with my wife. I worked at a hotel, where I met Nastya. Spun. My feelings quickly cooled down. I wanted to return to my family. My wife didn’t mind, she also missed me, calmed down, and forgave. When I said that I was leaving, Nastya began to have hysterics, blackmail and scandals. It became impossible to work. She turned the whole team against me. My wife set the condition that she would take me back if I no longer saw Nastya. In general, I quit..."

5. Real romance is hard to survive.

Mikhail, 31 years old, supervisor

“We worked together for a long time. Some years. The relationship began to be strong. It seemed to me like true love. We started living together. We have learned to separate work and family life very well. In general, it wasn’t that we were tired of seeing each other all the time. Maybe because I was able to take breaks, thanks to business trips. Everything was great with my career in this company. I was waiting for a promotion. But she started sleeping with our boss. Colleagues told me about this. She didn't really deny it. I was simply in shock. What to do? Punch your boss in the face? Should I quit or continue working? She was quickly promoted. And I, having suffered for a year, found myself under general layoffs, as the company went bankrupt.”

6. You will be beaten, humiliated and persecuted

Evgeniy, 30 years old, teacher

“Once I decided to have an affair with my boss after finding out that she liked me. Then I had no idea that a passing hobby could turn into real hell for me. I ended this story unilaterally without announcing any reasons. But she continued to behave as if nothing had happened. She behaved in such a way that I was burning with shame. Then the persecution began: calls, SMS, etc. Problems began at work. Instead of a bonus, I began to receive fines, insults, hysterics, and even slight bruises from objects flying at me. Six months later it became a little easier, her passion was replaced by coldness. "

7. Maybe it’s worth a try?

Vyacheslav, 28 years old, sales manager

“At the beginning, Sasha was just my girlfriend. Four years ago I got a job. and boss, the salary is more than decent. Alexandra wasn't having a good time at work. I talked to the director. The director was in favor, provided that Sasha and I were colleagues at work and nothing more. That's how it all turned out. During the working day, I am Vyacheslav Alekseevich for her, and she is Alexandra Artemovna for me. A year after she came to our office, we got married. Both our colleagues and the director attended the wedding. However, our work together will soon come to an end. Sasha is expecting a child, which means maternity leave.”

And a few more opinions

8. Sergey, 27 years old, journalist

“Office romances, like all good things, come to an end. And it’s not always smooth. And you actually like this job. To avoid inconvenience later, it’s better not to start.”

9. Vladimir, 27 years old, photographer

“I work with models. Most of the time they are practically naked. This is a very intimate moment: the work of a model and a photographer. If I had gotten involved with a producer, an assistant, or the same model, some magic would have been lost. Or it wouldn't be a job anymore. But attacks of jealousy, hysterics, all this is definitely not for me.”

10. Mikhail, 32 years, designer

“To be together at work, at home, and on vacation. It too. A man needs something of his own, he needs a feeling of freedom. Otherwise you might go crazy.”

11. Rais, 35 years old, artist

“You can’t interfere, there must be a clear hierarchy. Give me some slack, then it starts: I want this, I don’t want that... Where’s the bonus? I see a purpose, but I do not see obstacles! If suddenly a person becomes close to you, it will be difficult to achieve your goal.”

12. Sergey, 31 years old, showman

“I work as a host of various events; I often host wedding celebrations, at which there are a lot of beautiful girls. As a presenter, I get a lot of attention. How do I use it? I help single guys shine in front of these girls, because if they succeed, guess who will officiate their wedding?”

13. Evgeniy, 31 years old, entrepreneur

“Personally, I met my wife at work in a nightclub. This place was dotted with scantily clad girls and guys with whom all of us came into contact for work and other matters. There was no jealousy or other problems. After some time, we said goodbye to this place of work, got married, had children, and everything is fine with us, thank God.”

What do you think about office romances? Write your opinion in the comments.

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Comments: 8

Marina

I do not agree! I met my husband at work, worked as a financier, he is in the commercial department) and he came to our company from competitors, where I had previously come for reconciliations🤔😉🤔saw, fell in love and came to us) six months later we got married💝And now it’s been 17 years we work and live together 😘 So I’m willing to bet) apparently the boys got the wrong girls 🙃

18.01.2016 / 20:48

Elly

I agree with Marina! A good, adequate, normal person can be recognized precisely in his work. For further relationships, IMHO! Here you can see how a person fulfills his duties. His present, his future. And his past is well known. You will see a person in action and on vacation. (With)

19.01.2016 / 08:30

Kate

I also liked the man at work. We only started our relationship on the day I quit. Apparently, he did not dare to start them while we were employees. True, after 9 months of communication, it ended in nothing. And I thank God that we are not working in the same office now. Sometimes you have to go there on business, and seeing this person is very painful ((

19.01.2016 / 13:17

Dmitriy

And I like my position, there are about 100 people working in our department, and the M/F ratio is approximately equal. I had intimate relationships with 7 employees, all of them are already quite adults and we are aware of the unpleasant consequences. Not a single example from the ones written above fell on our heads. Either from general adequacy, or perhaps it has passed for now) I meet with 2 out of 7 regularly, exclusively for one purpose, but since this is mutual attraction, I don’t consider myself guilty. Girls are lonely, but everyone wants passion. At work we behave quite naturally, “hello, hello”, “how are you? - and I’m fine”, no flirting, and no hints that we had anything, ever. Colleagues don’t seem to know, although I’m sure they have their own skeletons in their closet. I consider the topic of office romances to be quite normal if one of the parties is not in a relationship or marriage on the other side of work. Cheating is not a worthy act

23.01.2016 / 13:21

Bzhik

I once had an affair with a popular colleague at work. It seems they didn’t advertise the relationship, but apparently they got married somewhere. There were many people who wanted to do it, but in the end it didn’t end well. The fact that they broke up with him is, naturally, experienced, but the memories of how the ladies fought for him, how much s... came out, how they competed for him, how many setups there were.... He clearly wasn’t worth it been through.

08.02.2016 / 11:14

Elizabeth

Hello! 10 months ago I started having an affair at work. Everything happened spontaneously; I had been alone for a long time. But I can’t continue it further, because I haven’t developed feelings for the person, but he doesn’t let go and doesn’t hold on. He doesn’t think about the future, for now he would just like to be with me. And time passes. I'm soon 27 years old. Many people are whispering behind my back and have stopped trusting me. I can no longer behave adequately. I’m constantly nervous, everything hurts, I often catch colds or don’t feel well. Tell me what I could do to make people treat me more respectfully, because this is work, not a place for entertainment.

He is handsome, smart, makes good money. He has only one drawback... He is hopelessly married. Hopeless means there is no hope that he will ever get a divorce. And only you refuse to believe it. Although it’s time to face the truth.

My friend Lera has been dating a married man, a successful owner of an art gallery, for a whole year. All this time she plays by his rules. They only meet when it's convenient for him, mostly in the evenings after work. On Saturday and Sunday, Lera is usually left to her own devices. Several times Lera tried to leave, to start with other men, but nothing worked out for her.

“This is some kind of addiction, akin to a craving for smoking,” she says. “By the way, I still can’t quit smoking either. And although men pay attention to me, try to look after me, each one, upon closer examination, seems to me to be several steps lower than Igor and is inferior to him both in terms of external parameters, and in intelligence, and in terms of financial status. I have a fairly high bar, and I don’t intend to waste money.”

Lera does not hide the fact that she is attracted to her current chosen one by his success. However, this does not mean that her lover showers her with gold and other expensive gifts. They only went on vacation to Egypt at his expense once, sometimes they dined in good restaurants. That's probably all. Lera did not receive any great material benefits from her novel; her modest two-room apartment, where they are held, still needs repairs. Her lover doesn’t promise to marry her either - he only hints at something, gives illusory hope...

A woman loves with her ears. And when he realizes that all these words are just a beautiful lie, it may already be too late. For some reason, it seems that only with this person can you be happy. Although this is probably not true. You’ve just gotten used to it, you’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re having an affair with a man who isn’t free.

There is a category of women who deliberately have affairs with married people. For example, if a woman is already married and is looking for a lover. Someone just needs a sponsor, and in this case whether the man is married or not is not of fundamental importance, because money comes to the fore. In short, situations are different.

But for some reason quite often the role of mistresses is played by women who are young, outwardly attractive and have successful careers, for whom, it would seem, nothing prevents them from starting a family themselves, and not wasting precious time on incomprehensible relationships. You can console yourself as much as you like that it means nothing and that you are above all conventions. Convince yourself and others that you love only him. However, by focusing on one person, you may miss the chance that fate gives you.

You don’t pay attention to other men - free and unmarried - only because you yourself don’t want a new relationship. Yes, your heart is not free at this moment, but does this mean that you are unable to change anything? Any, even the strongest love, passes after some time. Sooner or later you will have to face the truth - you are having an affair with a man in whose life you do not play the main role.

It would seem - what's bad here? Emotions run high, meetings (at least at first) bring you only joy, you tell your friends how cool, witty, and successful he is. However, sobering comes unnoticed.

The first thing that suffers is self-esteem. At first, you still flatter yourself with the hope that he will separate from his wife, and you don’t understand why he doesn’t do this. In the end, every woman is a owner at heart, and sharing a loved one with another is a difficult test.

You refuse to believe that he loves his wife. It seems to you that if he cheats on her, it means that in the end he will get tired of it and he will leave for you. Have you thought that since he is still with her, it means that such a family life suits him quite well? And that, in principle, he is not going to change anything? So, one of my friends once posed the question bluntly: “Choose - me or her.” And what? Her beloved suddenly disappeared from her life and did not even mention a divorce from his wife.

Many people blame modern women for being bitchy, but men can also be calculating and cynical. They know how to charm a woman and are looking for quick sex. There is no smell of love here. The only thing that allows a married man to achieve his goal is your own desire.

So is the game worth the candle? After all, no matter how you look at it, you remain a loser. The chances that you will be able to take him away from the family are slim. No, of course, many people succeed in this. But there are categories of men who consciously do not want to change anything. They have already gone to the left many times, and they are satisfied with everything.

My friend Alexey has been cheating on his wife for many years with the latter’s tacit consent. He says that he can’t do it any other way - family life has long turned into a routine, but he still wants bright impressions, passion, in the end. And although the thought of divorce comes to his mind from time to time, he has practically given up on it.

“Once I already decided to leave, but then I realized that this would not lead to anything good. Anyway, sooner or later love will pass, just a habit will remain. And my wife and I, as managers of the same enterprise, our main common goal is - raise my son. In order to separate from my wife, I will have to find a woman who is at least two or three times better than her, at least that’s what she has to convince me of.”

The worst thing in a relationship with a married man is the moment when habit replaces passion. Your friends are all married, have given birth to children, and you are still waiting for his call or SMS message. You become nervous and twitchy - because in your personal life you have complete uncertainty. Instead of a surge of emotions and adrenaline, you get everyday boredom, and it even turns into a routine. He no longer looks at you with adoration, you quarrel more and more often, your relationship becomes more painful every day. But it’s just quite difficult to break them.

Try not to fall into this trap - just don't get involved with a married man.